Sunday, December 26, 2010

Honest to a Fault

While I admitted in my last post, I was having a tantrum & being a spoiled brat, it doesn't make me feel any better about it when I read it. The problem is that I need to write on a regular basis to prevent my little meltdowns. I haven't been doing that and the result, she wasn't pretty.

What happend was that during Thanksgiving I was outed. Not in a, "my mom friended me on Facebook" way. (She did that a long time ago.) More in a, "someone read my Twitter stream history and then reported one of my meltdowns to the poor victim with whom I was laying blame," kind of way. That person, (the victim,) apologized to me for what happened. It doesn't really matter what it was, because 1) it wasn't really something that was a big deal and 2) it isn't that important to this conversation. What does matter is that I looked and felt like numero uno assh***. The person who read the message had taken a 140 character moment of frustration and now turned it into so much more. While what I wrote might have been true, it wasn't something I would've said to the other person, as it would have served no purpose other than to be hurtful. In having it said to that person after the fact, I'm sure that person's feelings were quite hurt. At the time, I wasn't even sure what they were talking about, that's how quick of a vent that stupid message was. And, to be honest, I was just as pissed at myself as the other person, thus the venting. I'm actually annoyed with the person who found it and told them. Maybe that's me still being an ass, but if they had thought about it they would have realized that repeating it to them was nothing but mean. If they had issue with me, then the reader should have come to me and said something.

Given the circumstances would I have written that again? At first I would have told you, "No." I have felt awful that I hurt that person's feelings. It was me spouting off to my friends. It wasn't meant to be repeated. I'm sure we've all done that, and quite a few of us have been caught from time to time. I feel like the person who repeated it was somewhat mean spirited in doing so. Yes, I said it, and I will own that I said it. But, when it was repeated, it was taken out of context which made it come across as much bigger deal. That being said, I've been a bit torn about my writing, and how it affects those around me. My reaction has been to stay away because I didn't want to hurt anyone else. In hindsight, I think that was a mistake.

I started writing this blog for me. It's supposed to be a record of who I am in these days when my children are small. This is in hope that it will give them some insight into decisions I've made during this time. It's also a place for me to air my grievances, (vent my frustrations,) when I need to. I need to have a forum like this to keep me sane. This last month, ending with the accumulation of my meltdown is a prime example of why I need to write. So, while I agree with you if you find me a bit of a spoiled brat, it doesn't matter. This brat needs to be a brat on here, so I can carry on in the real world.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Over Done, Merry Effing X-mas

I'm over done.
I'm sort of in the middle of a tantrum of my own, I guess, but I've been bottling up all these feelings for some time now (why I haven't written) and now they've accumulated till there's no more room for them.
I'm feeling overwhelmed as we're dealing with the third round of lice in the girls. I literally spent my entire day yesterday and today, treating the girls & brushing them out. I haven't even done the whole wipe down, clean out the whole house thing because I just can't wrap my head around it. But it's hanging over my head that I need to do it, or I will be dealing with round #4 of this, at which point I'm considering fire bombing the damn house.

Yesterday, we did Christmas gifts w/my family. The girls were thrilled, as they received what they were hoping Santa would bring, (American Girl dolls,) but from my parents. Honestly, that's really all I care about, that they're happy. But, I'd be lying if I didn't admit I was left feeling like a major afterthought. For some reason, my mom decided that I would like what my SIL wanted for Christmas. So, pretty much, she gave me duplicates to what she bought my SIL. My SIL & I don't buy for each other, so haven't seen her list. I'm assuming that she wanted the things we were given. Maybe she's thinking the same thing as me. What I do know, is that of the presents I received, 3 were things I already had, and 1 was something I won't use. I don't want to sound ungrateful, and I know that's how this is sounding, it's just another straw added to my stress level, and the camel's back broke ages ago. It just made me feel like crap. Several years ago my family created electronic lists, so there was no question as to what people wanted for birthdays & Christmas. I updated my list, but no one seems to have actually looked at it. OK, that's not true, I did get a bathrobe (from my parents,) I wanted for my birthday. But otherwise, no. My husband got me a outdoor light for my birthday, no, I did NOT ask for it. I mentioned this summer when we had the house painted, that now we needed a new light & mailbox for the porch. I did not put it on any personal lists. I did not consider it something that I would've give to my husband as a gift, as it's something for the house, not the person. Now, my folks have joined the foray with their effort at Christmas, and it just made me feel like crap.
Yes, I'm totally having a pity party. Yes, I'm being a baby & throwing a tantrum of sorts. I get it, I need to put on my big girl panties and move on. It's just been a nonstop barrage of Fibro symptoms, and fire drills (read: lice infestation) and I'm feeling very over worked, overwhelmed and under appreciated. I know much of this is an emotional reaction to the lack of sleep & pain I'm dealing with, but it doesn't make me want to cry any less just because I know the rational side of what's wrong with me.
Tonight, when DaddySpeak got home early from work, I suggested we get Subway & go see the lights in the park in Los Gatos. Yes, it will be a long line, but we're free tonight & the girls would like it. He said no. He said it was because sitting in the car like that is bad for my back, but I know the real truth is that he hates being in the car like that. He can say what he wants, but that's the truth and he knows it. I was in the middle of my FOUR HOUR hair routine w/the girls at the time, so him coming in and telling me I'm doing it wrong didn't improve my mood so much either. I told him to knock himself out & finish, so he did. When done, he wanted to know what was up for dinner. I told him I had put forth my suggestion & been shot down, so he could do it. I did suggest some food I had in the kitchen, but the girls wanted pizza and worked him over. I'm supposed to be getting on my low carb diet which, is sort of a joke, (I've been stress eating so much chocolate, I'm pretty sure I've gained all the weight back I just lost,) but I opted out. So they went out to dinner. I'm sure they were probably relieved to get away from me. I'm such a freaking bitch right now, I wouldn't want to be around me either.
So I'm going to go frolic with all the last min shoppers & see if I can't get my ass run over in a mall parking lot or something, because, clearly I hate myself. (Why else would one go shopping tonight?) I have a couple last minute things I need to get for the girls and him. Not deal breakers, but things I haven't been able to get because of sick kids, sick me, and now school's out.