The Incredible Shrinking Woman

Of course, now that I'm mentioning it, I'll probably going to jinx it and gain all of it back. I actually do not know how much weight I've actually lost, I don't own a scale, I'd rather depend on how my clothes fit (It's not what I weigh, it's what I look like I weigh, right?). Since I've quit my job I've gone down 3 dress sizes. Yes, Three.



Here's the kicker, I don't know why. Am I dieting, not really. I've been sort of low-carb, but honestly I haven't been that great about it. I haven't been horrible either.



I haven't been "working out". Shoot, with my back being so bad lately I haven't walked much lately, much less worked out.



I'll tell you what is different:



1. I've been nauseated since the month of June. In fact, I was nauseated for pretty much the entire month of June. I lost a chunk of weight in that month, about 8 lbs (my mom has a scale). But, now in September, it's clear that I've continued to lose. I stopped being nauseated 24/7 after about a month, but I still feel queasy at least a couple times a day. I can say my eating has been cut down because of this. It's not uncommon for me to only get one meal or a granola bar in a day. (It's all I can stomach.)



2. I'm chasing a 2YO all day every day. At work I got to sit & play on the web for hours, and now, not so much. I don't even get to sit to check my email, so I think this is the real reason.



I have a theory that my nausea is being cause by low Blood Pressure (BP), so I have an appointment w/my doctor at the end of the month. If I'm right, this could also be part of reason too. I don't recommend this method of losing weight.

5’s A Charm--And Your Science Lesson For The Week

At least I’m hoping that will be the case. I had my 5th epidural shot today.

The experience was a lot more pleasant than my last one. Pleasant is a relative word here. In fact, this was very much like the first-third shots I had in the past. I was really pleased with the way those went so I’m very, very hopeful that will be the case this time. So far, so good.

A little background on my procedure. (and lots of over use of parentheses & italics)

I think most people think of the type of epidural (an anesthesia epidural) you get when in labor with an infant. The kind I had today is called an epidural steroid injection (ESI) and is given for a herniated disc.

My Condition

I have a lumbar herniation which is pushing on my sciatica. My pain runs down the right side of my lower back, into my hip and down my right leg. At it's worst I have a painful numbness down the back of my leg and foot. I have nerve damage in my right leg and have lost the reflex in my right foot. My doctors have told told me that the nerve damage is still not deep enough to indicate it would be permanent. I've also been told that my foot's reflex should return when the disc is healed. I have had this condition for over 18 months now. I was pain free after quitting my job in April until the beginning of August. Because of that 3 month period they are treating this as if it might be a second injury, (although it's really more likely that it wasn't completely healed and I did something to make it worse again. What I did; fodder for another post.)

I’ve had both type of epidurals and they’re similar, but not exactly the same. For instance, I don’t have a baby in my belly so I get to lay down while the shot is being administered. I also get to watch the machine measuring my heart rate, Blood Pressure, etc...(my BP was 86/39 when I got there, yes, they took it twice, I'm apparently a zombie.) I also get to watch the machine (X-ray fluoroscopy) that shows where they’re putting the needles; if I want (sorry if that makes you queasy, I think it's kinda cool). I walk into a surgery room and lay down on the table (in labor they come into your room w/a cart & sit you up on the bed). My doctor likes to play music and sing while he’s working, which adds an interesting dynamic (today it was James Taylor which was really relaxing to me, so I liked it. I found Led Zeppelin wasn’t really so relaxing the day he had that going. More like driving music to me.) The doctor first uses the X-ray fluoroscopy to locate where he wants to put the shot, he has metal wand to help him be precise on the machine image and then marks it on my physical self with a pen. (When in labor, they have you hug a pillow and hunch so they can feel each vertebra. I don‘t recall any pen marks, but I could be wrong. I was kinda busy right then.) For an ESI they actually put in two shots (you get one in a labor situation) so you get two marks. In both cases they cover the area (and I do mean cover) in iodine and then give you get a shot of something (zylocain, I think) to numb the area, which stings/burns like crazy. After that they put in the actual epidural needle(s). Epidural needles are actually catheters, if you’re in labor they start the medicine and you feel pressure in your back, hip and leg. Let me make it clear that it’s a very uncomfortable pain type pressure. During labor you notice, but usually your contractions are strong enough that you are quickly over it because you suddenly get some glorious relief! In the case of an ESI, ummm, not so much. First they run some dye in each catheter to see which direction the medicine will spread. (I think this is the most interesting part to watch on the x-ray fluoroscopy screen, but it does hurt too.) Adjustments are made as necessary and then they pump in the medicine. They do this part twice because you have two catheters in you. Double the fun. Once again, huge amount of pressure in you back/hip/leg. This time there are no contractions to distract you so the pressure is a bit more noticeable. Ya think? It feels a lot like it’s coming from both the inside of you and the outside and it sort of feels like that area might implode or explode or something. There’s a part of your brain that will start to freak out because this isn’t good, and ohmygawdgetthosethingsoutnownownow!!! but then it’s done and while it still hurts, it’s better than it was, so your brain calms down. They pull everything out, wipe you down, put on a couple band aids, you change and someone (my dad today) drives you home. (In labor, you’re typically still in labor at this time. You ain't going anywhere soon girl!)

Your body will typically react to the shot (they just put sharp things though your back muscles, so you're probably gonna swell). They tell you to ice it for 20 minutes every hour and to take your pain pills as necessary. My personal experience has found that with this one it’s best to take a vicodin, even if not currently dying from pain. I take one every 4 hours till I go to bed. After that I take them as needed. I did this during the first 3 shots and was ready for my Olympic training the next day. Seriously. All. Three. Times. That’s extremely unusual. My reaction to those was so dramatic they decided a fourth wouldn’t hurt. (Poor choice of words on my part.) Most people do not get more than three in a year as they find the effects to diminish after 3.

Epidural #4 was not this same experience. It hurt like hell. Felt like someone was shooting fire down my muscles and nerves. It was awful. The worst part; it didn’t do anything. I felt like creamed crap from that shot for several days, then I just got back to the same back pain I’d been having, minus the creamed crap part. I was very nervous about my treatment today because of #4. I was scared that I’d have the same experience, all that extra pain for nothing. Both my doctors’ think #4 missed it’s mark, and that’s why it hurt so much and didn’t do anything. I’m starting to become inclined to believe them.

I do believe this many epidural shots and my fibromyalgia may just qualify this as a pain management blog instead of a mommy blog.

Hopefully, this is the last post for pain management and we’ll be back to corralling kiddies all the time again soon.

That being said…….

Tomorrow is orientation for BigSpeak’s starting kindergarten.

On Monday,

MY BABY IS STARTING KINDERGARTEN!!! Oh. My. God.

Beach Babes

We did make it to the beach (in spite of the dump truck I mentioned). I paid a high price for this little trip. Packing and unpacking the car and sitting in traffic was all I was able to pull off. My back has been in attack mode ever since. Luckily my mom & GodMum were here right away and helped to keep the girls entertained and give me a break. I spent the first two days mostly on my back. I'd go do something and then I'd come back and collapse on the couch.

DaddySpeak surprised the hell out of me by showing up late Wednesday night. He got his work done and brought a few things with him to work on, but managed to get here around 9:30 that night. I'm so glad, it means so much to all of us. I can tell the girls are so thrilled to have him back. And it means so much to me when he pulls though like this, I know we're important to him and I know he's got a lot of pressure at work. I get it, I really do, I just get frustrated sometimes. (The back situation doesn't make it easier for me to deal with these things.)

That all being said, we've been fogged in all week. The beach house is in an area known as the Fog Belt. We're the first to get the fog when it comes in and the last to have it burn off. It's typical and we know it, but we've had such incredible weather all this summer that I'd almost forgotten that this is the weather we're more inclined to in the summer months. Even at it's worst it still usually burns off by noon, but not this week. We haven't seen the sun since Wednesday, so today I finally demanded that we go find a beach with some sun. (The irony is that if you go two blocks from the beach it's totally sunny, but we're picky, we want our sun on the beach.) We had to drive to Santa Cruz, and found that the wharf area & Boardwalk were really the only beaches with sun. The fog was hanging right at the edge of the beach so it wasn't exactly "warm", and it's apparently pushing 100 at home so the place was crowded. The girls didn't mind and they had fun, so that was the point right.

Since it's been foggy we've actually been doing some stuff beside just hanging at the beach, but I'll have to post more later as back is telling me it's time for another vicodin!

Straitening Things Out

Yup I'm working on becoming the queen of the pun, cause down here in Silicon Valley, that's how we roll.

Update from today's dr visit:

I still don't have a reflex in my right ankle bad

I have an epidural scheduled for 8/21 good

If the epdural doesn't give me permanent bad
relief, I will be given another MRI & most
likely referred to a specialist surgeon.

I have to say that I will be surprised if the epidural gets rid of it altogether. They've helped my pain a lot, but they've never been permanent. I'll be pleasantly surprised if it happens, but I'm not holding my breath on that one.

Dr. K also commented that nerve pain typically goes into your lower leg (below the knee) and as of the last two weeks mine has not. All the other tenderpoints and movement (or lack of) I do and don't have imply the nerve is still a big part of the problem. I assured him that I knew it was as I'm getting tingling and numbness this go around still AND after his little exam my pain was defineatly all the way back down into my foot (I'm pretty sure my shoe and the floor were feeling it for a while there). I've been poping half vicodins all day. (You could set a clock by me cause I can tell you exactly when they wear off). They don't eliminate the pain (a full one probably would, but I'm responsible for kids you know) but they do take the edge off.



I could've gotten the shot this week, but I'm really, really trying to get the girls to the beach house for an extended period this summer. We're going Wed. for 5 days, DAMIT!

I'm still here! Back here!

Yeah I got a million of them. I'll be here all zee week, and be sure to tip your bartenders and waitresses folks!

So guess what went out the week DaddySpeak left?

Yup, my disk is back being herniated again. I haven't been posting because I haven't really been doing much of anything to be honest. That's not exactly true. We've actually been doing quite a lot as my preshus baaaabeee starts kindergarten in a few short weeks here and I'm trying to fit it all in still. Where did my summer vacation go I ask you? And when did summer vacation end in August???? The school district at the beach house starts this week!!! I guess we're lucky. But I digress; So I hold myself together as long as I can (or until another adult is present and able to be in charge) and then I generally collapse. It's fun! NOT. Since I'm collapsed not so much on the posting happening here, but I suppose you know that already.

I'm somewhat better this week than last, not popping vicodin every day anymore. I have an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon tomorrow, so I'll let you know what he thinks after tomorrow.

Slaying Dragons Still

I know I’ve still been pretty much MIA. The truth is I’m still not all that well yet. I’m still having issues with eating. Actually if I don’t eat I’m fine, which is a great weight loss plan. It just not so good when you're chasing kids.

Eventually, I get lightheaded from not eating (my blood pressure is normally on the low side) so I eat and then I’m nauseated. It’s So. Much. Fun!
Now, just to add to my fun, LittleSpeak seems to have picked this up from me. This weekend she ran about 103° on her own, and 101° w/Tylenol. This morning when I took her to the doctor she was normal. Of course. She alternates between bouncing off the walls and moaning in my arms. tonight she completely lost it. Just completely melted down. Wanted to be held by me, but I was not permitted to sit down. Now I needed to hold her and walk around with her. Poor baby. Poor Mommy. I got her fed early (scrambled eggs for breakfast) and she was in bed, passed out, by 6:15.
So, sadly Internet, I’m not intentionally neglecting you, I’m just exhausted. I seem to be a little better every day, so hopefully by the weekend I’ll be 100%. More later, I’m off to try and get some sleep so I can slay some dragons tomorrow.

Still Sick--not for the faint of heart or stomach.

Yes, I am still sick. It's been awful. I'm better in the AM & able to get the girls to appointments and such, but late afternoon/evenings do me in. I'm so nauseated it's not funny. I can't eat anything without feeling awful. I've been subsisting primarily on sugarless jello, string cheese, water and an occasional Diet Dr. Pepper (not necessarily all in one day). According to the doctor's scale (I went last Friday) I've lost 8 lbs. I'm so bloated you can't tell at all. I got some meds from the doctor to stop the bathroom action (TMI I know, you're welcome) which was good cause it scared me. I was so sick I was having trouble keeping me water up. He wanted me to go in for testing, but since the meds basically worked, I think it's just a really nasty virus.

But that's not the worst part. No the worst part is that now I think LittleSpeak may have caught this from me. She was super clingy/wanting to lay on me this afternoon. Finally she had one of the nastiest diapers ever known to mad.

Let's hope it was a one time thing.

Mama Doesn’t Get A Free Day

I’ve been nauseated since Sunday (it’s Wednesday). I’ve mostly been ok until I eat and then I need to lie down because I’m so very nauseated. Obviously, I’ve been mostly avoiding food. Last night it got really bad and didn’t matter if I’d eaten I was so sick. This morning it was still like that so I called my mom to see if she could take the girls for a couple hours and give me a break. She did, so I slept, and took a shower, but still it’s not good. I have only had a granola bar, some jello and a popsicle in the last 24 hours. That and about 7 gallons of water. I’m trying a couple crackers now, cause my stomach is churning on itself. So we’ll see. No sick days for Mama.

yeah, I think it's time to up the meds again

Usually I write about the funny, the odd or the ordinary in my life.

I try to avoid the darkness I sometimes feel. Lately, that darkness has been hanging out closer to the surface. Today is one of the days I’m having trouble holding it off. I don’t like to write about it. Almost as if I don’t acknowledge it, it doesn’t exist.

I wish it were so easy.

I try not to give into it, but late at night it overwhelms me. It envelops me and if I give into it I fear I might fall into a dark pit forever. Just falling, falling, like Alice in a never-ending rabbit hole. Just blackness.

I hope that if I write tonight, maybe that will chip away at the power it seems to have over me. I’m not sure it matters. I hate this sense of helplessness I feel toward it.

I have a big change coming up in my life. It’s been taking shape for a while now and it’s finally coming to fruition. Next week I’ll be able to tell you more. But I believe it may be why the darkness is near now. It a good change. It’s something I’ve been working toward. It’s positive. But it is a big change. And I fear change. Outwardly I seem fine, but on the inside, I’m a mess.

I get overwhelmed and the darkness sees the weakness and waits nearby to try and work it’s way into me. It threatens my happiness. It makes me question my abilities, my desires….I hate this darkness. It knows and it’s waits. It waits for the time I’m weak enough to try and take hold of me fully. I think that’s why I have trouble sleeping, why I’ll play mindless games on the computer. I need to block feeling anything, and I want to be completely exhausted so I won’t be able to feel that darkness once I get into bed. I want to hit that pillow & be out. Otherwise, it's like I can feel it. It's waiting. The darkness, it's patient, and it's near.

Icing on the Cake

Apparently my back wasn’t bothering me enough. My body thought I was getting off too easy, cause today…today I woke up with a rotten cold. The whole family has had these croup-y sounding coughs for more than a week, but I keep chanting; “It’s the tree pollens. It’s the tree pollens.” And it may well have been the trees, but this morning my sinuses were feeling neglected and got into the act. Now I have all this pressure on my eyes & nose. I'm blowing & spitting up lots of "yellow gunk" (your welcome, eating breakfast, huh?) And my ears are all itchy (on the inside)! Wah! Seriously, I was feeling better than this when I woke up and now I just want to crawl back into bed and go back to sleep. I'm seriously considering it.

Checking BACK In….

Yup, more back cracks. I know, I’m sorry. Honestly, it’s pretty much what’s going on here these days. I was down for the count Thursday and Friday. Saturday & Sunday I took it easy, sort of. Taking it easy meant I didn’t pack moving boxes up and down stairs I guess, cause on Monday I worked in the garden. I know, what was I thinking???? I was thinking that those bulb kits at Costco were a good price, (only $15) and that we had a weekend long break from the rain and it was nice to get outside. I was thinking it was a nice project for my MIL & the kids. That’s what I get for thinking. But DaddySpeak & I planted them w/the girls, so that's what I get for thinking. They weren't labor intensive or anything. They were even in raised beds, but it was enough bending and reaching to throw me off I guess. I spent the later part of yesterday & early today feeling like crap. I hope I didn’t undo any good the shot had done. I promise I will behave myself from now on; beside it’s raining again & we go to MEXICO in two weeks! GAWD, I can’t wait.
In the meantime, apparently Antique Mommy’s Sean is walking around in a coma. (No, I’m not making light of her situation, but if his count really was 2000, I’m pretty sure a coma would be the upside of things. I’m on the side of human error in the testing, but I’m also saying a little prayer for them too.) Amalah & Mrs. Mogul went & got knocked up again! (Yes, I’m totally broody and jealous. Sigh) And Juni’s a big sis! So there’s your something shinny. Go read and enjoy, I’m going to bed early to try and HEAL!

Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

Yes, I'm a day late, but really by an hour, so sue me. Would you expect anything less? It's been a very rough week w/my back and all (excuse #37 for not posting), so let's cut me some slack & pretend like I got this up yesterday, ok? Great, now let's all move on to my riviting words.What did you get for V-day? Know what I got? I got an epidural shot! Woohooo! We are living it up at the Speak household. DaddySpeak’s b-day was yesterday, so that coupled w/my back issues (got to have a nerve test yesterday. Big Fun let me tell you.) meant we were very low key this year. Luckily, I had extra stocking stuffers from the $1 bin at Target, and heart balloons I got for the girls yesterday when picking b-day balloons for DS (from the girls) yesterday and matching “play cell phones” (also boutique target, but a bit more than $1) in house for just such a need. Today was shot as far as I was concerned. Once I got home from the shot, around 10, I went to bed & slept till 2. The vidcodin on an empty stomach might have had something to do with it. Ya think? I do feel bad cause I really didn’t do much for DS for his b-day or V-day. But he didn’t go without, just not as much as I might have normally put into it. Between my back issues & his parents being here I just couldn’t get it anymore together than that. I’ll make it up to him & I said so, but I also think he really does know that I will. He ponyed up big time & bought this beautiful necklace a neighbor MADE!!! I may be able to get a photo on here soon, but I’m not promising a date with everything else that’s happening. I will post a photo at some point though cause it’s super awesome and I LURVE it. (Plus I think she's going to open a shop on Esty, so I will link to it for sure when she does.) I have a feeling it was uber expensive, but that’s ok; I love the piece, the person who made it and most especially the person who gave it.
About the shot:
Not exactly like your epidural that you (may have, like I did) got when in labor. I guess I forgot how much the shot HURT! OMG, did that thing hurt like a mofo! Seriously. I think the one that they give you during labor typically gives you so much relief that you don’t really think of it as hurting? Or maybe I blocked that one too, who knows at this point. I can’t be trusted on these topics I guess. If it makes me feel better I seem to be able to completely block the awful part out of my mind. Since this is my 4th go around with this type of shot you might think I’d have some memory of pain. Maybe I’m brain dead or something, cause I really don’t. I do remember from last go around that getting onto the OR table hurt as much as getting off, so that may have been part of it. Everything was already such a mess, the shot didn’t really add much. The other thing is that during that time my right leg was more or less numb and this go around it’s and on and off thing, so I’m thinking I may have been too numb to feel all of it then too. Not so much this time. The pain is this huge pressure, and it feels like the shot is in my hip bone by the time it’s done. I’m sure it’s not, in fact it’s between two vertebrae, wouldn’t you think my tailbone would feel it more or something? The pressure traveled down my leg to the back of my knee & seemed to stop there. Tonight it’s pretty much just my lower back. I'm very stiff now, and I wasn't before, just hurting, as of right now I'm worse. I'm working on the pretense that I'm going to wake up tomorrow (if I ever get my arce in bed) and feel miraculously better. We'll see. I’m pretty sure I did too much today, so I might have felt slightly better if I hadn’t been picking up toddlers, walking up and down stairs, walking the block to deliver valentines and giving DD1 a real mani & pedi (yes, I spoil that child) as the bending to get to her toes & fingers wasn't the best. But you should see her nails; they rock!
About the nerve test:The results of the nerve test were that I am not worse. I’m not better either. Doctor wasn’t thrilled with that, “after a year it should have more healing and therefore better response.” But on the upside, it isn’t worse, so it’s a start. I knew the nerve test hurt like heck last time, but I forgot about the best part: the second part of the test they stick needles (not as thick as an IV one, but much thicker than say an acupuncture one) in you (my leg & lower back) and move them around while running a low current of electricity into them. I’m. NOT. Kidding. It’s to see if the nerves in the muscles are damaged. They are deep enough to cause you to bleed too. So, not only do you get the pain, they up the ante by pressing on the needle and moving it around, while you bleed. This is one of those tests I think all med students should have to have so they know how it feels and be more empathetic about it. I don’t think my doctor was especially rough, but he does seem to be somewhat flip about it. Trust me, IT HURTS!
Must get to bed before I fall over, so looking forward to a pain and test free weekend. Hoping for the same for you and your family!

Back At It

Ah, the back metaphors are back (get it they're back). Lucky you Internet! The saga of the herniated disk continues…When we last left our heroine she had been progressing nicely. The week in Miami in October (sans kids) had done her wonders. In fact, until she got home from that trip and picked the (not so) little ones she was feeling no pain; and we aren’t talking about the Mai Tai’s folks.

Tank you verry much, I’ll be here all zee week!

Yeah, this week was a bad one for my poor little disk. I am almost at the point of naming the guy. Yes, the disk in my back. It seems to get as much press as my kids do, so it seems fitting. Maybe we should have a naming contest, what’d you think? Any suggestions?

I headed out to the orthopedic surgeon today. He had me bend and cough a lot, (but was never behind me & I’m a chick and was fully dressed so save it). I think he was impressed with my mobility, but that’s the thing about being a mom, you do what you have to, which is everything, until you can’t. Then you can’t move at all. At the time the bending didn’t seem like that big of a deal, but by the time I got home from the appointment I was sore & exhausted. Talk about being out of shape, huh? The biggest thing was that he tested my reflexes and guess what! Not so good. My right ankle seems to have lost it’s reflex. (It’s a sign of nerve damage.) I was tested a year ago because the reflex wasn’t so good then either. At that time, I had little to no feeling in my right leg (the disk was pressing on my sciatica nerve). The doctor thinks it’s worse. The only way they can know for sure it so redo the nerve test, so I’m having that done on Wednesday. Oh Joy! On Thursday I be having another epidural. It’s been about a year since my last epidural so that’s good.; means it’s more likely to be effective. I’m actually looking forward to the epidural. I got so much relief from them last time I could be the epidural poster child. Of course, I felt similarly after my first child’s birth and not quite so much after the second. So I’m tentatively looking forward to it. I am NOT looking forward to the nerve test. Last time I had one my leg was more or less numb, especially the part they were testing. Now, I have complete feeling in my leg. It hurt like HECK last time. No, really, it hurt like HELL. Seriously, not a fun test. I can hardly wait to see how much fun it is now that the nerve is working. If you’ve never had a nerve test, they send electrical impulses into your muscles to see how they respond. The slower they respond the more nerve damage you have. I would think it's like getting lots of mini taser guns shot into various parts of you for an extended period of time. Wouldn't surprise me one bit if it came up that they use this type of thing to torture terror suspects. I'm just saying...
I suppose it wouldn’t hurt if the nerve is DEAD! Mine is not, so I don’t imagine it’ll feel good.
The up side of all of this (well beside the fact that I’m getting an epidural which should make me feel better more or less immediately,) is that I got my pain pill prescription refilled! I take vicodin, and I get nervous when I get low. The press that these kinds of drugs get these days make the doctors hand them out sparingly and I’m always nervous when I start to get low. I’m fearful that I'm going to run out over a weekend & be a mess until I can get in on Monday. It’s never happened, it’s just an irrational fear I have.

Alright, I’m off to bed now. At least I can sleep in tomorrow.

Nominated for Mother of the Year!

Yeah, that’s for sure. I'm sure you'll agree after you read this:

My back’s bad today. One of the worst days I’ve had in a long time. Bad enough that I’m calling my doctor tomorrow. I think I need to either have another MRI or maybe another epidural. This has gotten ridiculous, it has now been over a year since I hurt it. I know a herniated disk has a long recovery time (they told me up to 9 months) and it is better than it was, (my siatica isn't as involved now,) but jeez a year is a long time.

Ok, I’m done complaining, but you get my point, it hurts. A LOT. So I’m much less patient about everything right now. I have a super short fuse and no tolerance for anything of any sort. The usual banter of questions that DD1 throws at me while in the car, I’m totally snapping at her over. I HATE it when I’m like that. It’s almost like I can see myself doing it, but am powerless to stop it from happening. Thus you have my mindset for the day. As I mentioned in my last post, DD2 has also been in rare form as of late; we are a treat to be around, let me tell you.
……………………………….


The girls both are in need of new shoes & my mom had offered to buy them. (She feels strongly that they need really good shoes while their feet are growing and will spend a minimum of $40 on their shoes to make sure they fit properly. Since my girls both wear shoes that cost more than double what mine cost, I‘m inclined to let her pay for them.) We’d been trying to coordinate a time when we were both available & found that we didn’t really care about the Super Bowl this year (I can TiVO the commercials) considering that the teams were both from the East Coast. We headed off to the good (pricey) kid's shoe store (not Payless Shoe Source) to get the girls some new tennis. All was well during this, except that the little bit of walking we did in the mall really made my back tweak out. Bad. DaddySpeak was at a neighbor’s house watching the game & I called him on our way home because I was in no condition to deal with the girls alone. Plus I was totally taking a major pain pill as soon as I got home. Before we’d left the mall DD1 had complained that her tummy hurt because she was hungry. I figured she was trying to make a play for Starbucks or McD’s (which she was totally not getting) and told her she could have some fruit when we got home. In the car she cleared her throat and it sounded a lot like she was getting sick. My mom questioned her about where she learned to clear her throat like that (probably at school) but she got all sensitive about it and wouldn’t answer. She did it one more time and then literally started crying that her throat hurt. Well no wonder dude, don’t clear it like that & it won’t hurt. My mom looked at me and said, “Do you think it really hurts her?” to which I replied, “No. I think she’s all bent about the throat clearing question and this is her face saving attempt at attention.” You might say I was a bit skeptical. In my defense, this type of episode is not uncommon for her. She can be a bit sensitive at times. Just as we pull into the driveway DS is walking up and she’s crying at this point. He gets her out of the car, but now she’s pulling the whole “I only want Mommy” thing which isn’t helping her case so much. (Remember, Mommy ain’t feeling so hot, so needy clingy , whiney kid is not what I’m in the mood for exactly.) We go in the house & get her calmed down. I check her throat, nothing. I get her settled in front of the playroom TV w/a “My Pretty Pony” movie and life is generally back to normal.

Let’s all bow our heads now in a moment of gratitude for “My Pretty Pony” and
their like.

So I finally get my pain pill and lay down on my “good” side on the couch in the family room so I can yell at DD2 and then hassle DS because he’s really only half watching her while he’s watching the game. Then, right as the Giant’s score their first touchdown , DD1 goes into the bathroom & starts retching. Because of the activity on the TV, I totally have to yell at DS (over the TV) that I think she’s getting sick, he can see her from where he’s sitting and runs into her, (he didn't even stop to pause the TiVO, so I do have to give him props for that part).



Poor baby got totally sick; barfed her little guts out.


Yup, Mrs. Sympathetic that’s me.

Just nominate me for Mother of the Year, I’m sure I deserve it.



My poor kid is feeling sick and I’m totally dis’ing her cause I think she just wants attention. And she got sick two more times after that. I'm a piece of work, am I not? I’m still not sure if she’s really sick or if she just ate something that didn’t agree with her. Hopefully it was the later & she’s done with it by now.



Just so you know, I know when I’m a total a**hole, even to my 4YO, and I told her I was sorry she didn’t feel good and I was sorry I snapped at her in the car. She came and laid on me on the couch for the next hour (in-between getting sick). I know she enjoyed the attention. She's currently sleeping w/a large tupperware bowl next to her now, cause I care. Nothing says I care about you like plastic bed assesories (hmmm, wonder what that will do to all those Google searches?) and holding your hair back while barfing. Daddy held the hair back, so I got her the bowl. What a team we are, no?

And I did let her have a pedalite popsicle on the couch tonight. She just about fell over when I suggested that she could lay on the couch & eat it instead of at the kitchen table.



That right there should ensure my winning “Mother of the Year.”

Two Steps Forward….

Yeah, one step back.
Can I just tell you how badly I got my arce kicked today?
Shagged my arce out of bed at dark o’clock to get in line for the kindergarten registration, as planned. DaddySpeak was still in bed and I told him he was late (he leaves the house at dark o’clock every morning, I do not know how he does it, but I certainly appreciate him for it). He informed me he was going in later so he could get his passport done this morning. Really?

Me: What time are you doing that at?
Him: 8 or 9, whenever the post office opens.
Me: Oh Dude! Can I let the girls sleep and you stay here with them while I go take care of the registration?
Him: No problem.

God, I love him!

So, anywho, girls, of course heard me; they seem to have these secret super sonic listening devices for when ever I’m trying not to be heard, do your kids that that too? What is up with that? I mean I can be next to their ear saying their name 3-4 times & they don’t hear me, but man, I sneak upstairs or try to get out of the house while their sleeping? And they are all over me. I digress; I end up putting DD2 in bed w/DS (so awesome, we lurve it when she does this, cause she sleeps on you, which rocks when it comes to snuggle time. The kid’s still pretty small, what can I say?) And, then DD1 of course called me into her room, once again w/a face full of dried snot (your welcome, I’m sure you were eating breakfast or something, huh? Consider it my contribution toward your New Year's weight loss resolution.) So I clean her up, give her some more medicine & get her back to sleep. By that time I’ve got several neighbors calling because they didn’t see any lights on at our house, and I wasn’t at the corner, blah, blah, blah…

and I’m off! (like a herd of turtles) Yesterday was frickin’ cold so I dress warmly; layered long-sleeved t-shirt, wool sweater, wool pea coat, wool scarf, jeans, wool socks, damn, left my mittens on the counter! But the fog was in & it was low, so no ice this AM. Cool! Booked it over to the school, where the neighbors were saving my place in line. At 6:45 AM we were NOT first. KaRAZEE! In the end we stood in line for over an hour and a half and we got off easy!!! By the time we were done the line had at least 50 more people in it and was growing! Thank God for my neighbors, cause I would’ve been one of those 50 people if one of them hadn’t found out what it was like & clued us all in. (We were #12 BTW)
BUT…
You knew there was one didn’t you? There always is with me….
Sometime around 7:30 the fog started to lift, and when the fog lifted the temperature dropped. Notably. Like I bet we could’ve estimated the degree drop as it happened. Suddenly it was damp and freezing!!! No seriously, it had to be in the 30s. By the time I made it home I was damp & so very, very COLD! (I know there's snow where you live, but you don't stand outside in it w/out down clothes on, right?) I couldn’t get warm. I drank like 3 hot drinks, I laid under blankets, I just couldn’t warm up, especially my legs. Since my back has been so out of whack this last week, guess what decided to really take a nose dive? You guessed it! I was back to being laid out & barely being able to move. I kept thinking that if I could just get warmed up it would stop aching so badly. I finally upped the thermostat to like 75, that helped warm me up, but by then my back was shot. I called DS at work & told him that if there was anyway he could get home early I would be eternally gratefully, he said he’d see what her could do. A few more hours later it did start to subside a bit, at which point it was migrating into a migraine. (The pattern it has been taking this last week.) So I grabbed a diet soda (caffeine) & took the girls for a walk (trying to loosen it up some more & help them burn some energy). We ended up at a neighbor’s house (as usual) where the girls all played happily & us mom’s got to visit. It was a much, much needed break. Good call on my part. On the walk part, I called DS & told him I was better & if he couldn’t get away it was ok, but once he did get home I was totally popping a vicodin. (I won't take them if I'm the only adult w/the girls.) Knowing how I am he said he’d still do his best to not work late. (He’s awesome that way.) So at 5 we were on our way home & saw him pulling into the driveway. The girls ran up to him with hugs, and I can’t tell you the sense of relief I had.

Now here is the awesomeness that is my husband:

He totally played with the girls for half an hour. I got my vicodin & laid down. He made the girls & himself dinner (I wasn’t that interested in eating, go figure.) He cleaned up the kitchen while I occupied the girls w/a movie. Then he played with them a bit longer and got them ready and into bed! THEN (yes, it gets better) he went to Trader Joe’s for me to get dark and milk chocolate cashews, cause I was craving chocolate (typical pain response) and the dark chocolate ones are relatively low carb. Yes, he made a special trip just for those for me.

Now the next time I attempt to bitch about my husband and some stupid thing he didn’t do (like pick up his socks) tell me to Shut my Pie Hole and direct me to this post, cause I just may have married the most awesome guy on earth, seriously. Sometimes, I wonder what I did to have scored so well, you know?

All I know is that I must’ve done some seriously good shite in another life to deserve someone who not only do I love and cherish, but who loves me back so much that he not only puts up with all my shite, but takes care of me in spite of it.

All this and he makes beautiful babies too! Yeah, I know you’re jealous.
I have to go now, cause I’m due for another vicodin & I hear it calling my name.

House Keeping

I suppose most of these could be Twitter posts, but I'll round it up anyway, it's faster this way.

Cats
I know you’re all waiting w/baited breath to get the cat/bedspread update. So far, so good. No more defecating on the bed, even w/DaddySpeak back in town. I'm sure I just jinxed it right now.

DD1
Woke up w/a super, bad cold today, of course she did, we’re going skiing this weekend. This way we'll all be sick by Friday. Bah! In fact, it might even be pink eye; if she’s still all “goopy” by noon I’ll be calling the dr office.

DD2
Not to be left out she indicates w/grunts & finger pointing that she too has whatever Big Sis has. She doesn’t (I hope) but she is not going to be left out of anything. It’s kind of cute right now, you'll need to remind me of that in a year when it’s become annoying. She is also tall enough to reach the kitchen counters now. Bah, these damn kids w/their growing! I know this because she swiped my keys this weekend (w/out me knowing) and put them in one of her play purses. I went NUTS looking for them! Luckily, I finally thought to ask DD1 if she knew where they were (true desperation) and she did! Otherwise, I’d probably still be looking for them.

Mommy
I think I’m in the early stages of a Fibro flare up. I really, really hope not, as I mentioned earlier we’re going skiing this weekend and it would really suck to feel like this when it’s so very, very cold. (Temperature can affect the symptoms.) Plus, skiing! I haven’t gotten to ski in over 2 years; last year I had a herniated disk in my back (it’s still not in great shape, but we're not going to talk about it), and the year before that I was pregnant. Last year I got new skis and bindings, so I’m dying to use them! Have I mentioned that I ski? I used to ski A LOT! No, ok blog fodder for later, but hey, I ski! No, really, it's like the one sport I will actually tell you I do well. (That should tell you something, cause I SUCK at most sports.)

At work last week, a group of us started a friendly “biggest loser” game. Everyone put in $10 and who ever loses the highest percentage of body weight wins the pot. There’s over $200 in there right now. There's one person who tracks everyone on a spreadsheet. We had to indicate our goal & he calculated our goal percentage. My goal is to lose 9%, which means I want to lose 13 lbs. (But wouldn't it be awesome if I lose more??? Ok, focus on those first 13 MS.) I lost 3 lbs this week! Wahoo! What’s really awesome is that because I was feeling so bad this weekend, I wasn’t very good about my diet. I got better on Saturday and Sunday, but Thursday and Friday were the worst I’ve eaten since July. A couple guys in here lost 6 lbs each and one guy lost 11 lbs! It’ll be interesting to see how it goes over the whole 90 days, it's not a sprint, it's a marathon.

More on FUN Monday in a little while.

Thankful for Vicodin

I had a rough day yesterday. No, it wasn’t horrible, just rough. I woke up hurting (my back, what else?) So it started out poorly and got worse. While driving to the grocery store I looked in the rear view mirror as both girls screamed (or something equally distracting) and turned into the parking lot at the same time, not something I’d recommend BTW. The result was that I turned too hard & hit the curb w/my front tire. Arrg! Gave myself a flat, bah! I was so mad! Yes, it was my fault. I know better then to let the girls distract me like that, but not feeling good and all I let my guard down. I think part of the reason it made me so mad was because I knew better.

I know, not the end of the world.

In fact, I have roadside service who was very, very responsive (Thank You USAA!) and very timely (within 30 mins). Since I was at my destination I took the girls into the store, got our groceries (none of which were perishable), bribed prepared them for a wait in the car with starbuck’s cookies, and got myself a much needed mocha. We actually waited for maybe 10 minutes. DD#2 desperately needed a nap & DD1 needed lunch, but both somehow managed to hold it together till we got home. So yeah, it could’ve been MUCH worse. DD#2 slept for over 3 hours and after that I packed them up to go repair the tire (I had on the small spare), so we got to sit in the tire center for 30+ minutes only to be told it wasn’t repairable. There’s much more to all of this, but right now it’s not really funny to me (it was to others around us though) so I’ll spare you my whining the details. I took the girls home for DS to feed and headed out to Costco to get a new set of tires. They had a 2.5 hour wait, which would put them past closing, so they made me a deal that they would bump me to the front of the line today when I came back. By the end of all that my back was aching, not the awful sciatica pain that I was getting before, but the muscles all around that area on my right side were definitely in a spasm. I decided I deserved another mocha. Breakfast and dinner of champions! (Ok, so I also had two atkins bars during the day, but that was the total of my consumption for the day. I'm all about setting good example for my kids.) So this morning I woke up with the OTHER side of my lower back in a spasm!

OMG!!!

I think I must’ve been picking up DD#2 in a way that favored the right side, and tweaked my left side. Dude! Could I be any more awkward and retarded??? Sometimes I don’t know how on earth it is that DS stays married to me, I’m such a liability!

So I’m trying to remember to be thankful for what could’ve been a really horrible day was really just a very busy, tired day. All things considered, I think that’s a lot to be thankful for, don’t you?

Blah, and the Blah too!

I’m still here. Sorry, I’m having a blah week. If I were truly creative I would somehow have found some humor in my blah and written about it. But it’s a bad case of the blahs, so not so much.
The biggest part of my deal is that I’ve been sick this week. I think (meaning I’m trying to convince myself) that it’s some kind of sinus thing. On Tuesday I woke up with a bad headache & nausea. I was also exhausted when I woke up. Not such a good way to start out a day, especially one you’ll be spending herding small children for the better part of . As the day progressed both the headache and nausea got worse, around lunch time dizzy and lightheaded decided they wanted to join in. That was right after I spent the better part of DD#1’s gym lessons having hot and cold flashes. Fun! I made myself eat lunch hoping it might help the headache and nausea; it didn’t, but it didn’t make it worse so I guess it wasn’t all bad. I found that I could keep dizzy and lightheaded out of the picture if I stayed horizontal, so I spent the rest of my afternoon on the couch in the playroom. I convinced the girls to play “house”, so I could lay there semi comatose and “watch” them. I was the sick kid & they were the “mommies” making me tea & soup to make me feel better. (When I write it down like that it sounds so cute. Wish I’d been feeling well enough to appreciate it.) I called DS & told him that while I wasn’t asking him to come home right now, if there was anyway he could come home early I would sure be grateful. I also told him I would cry if he needed to work late. He is such an awesome guy, he came home at 2:30 at which time I gratefully gave into my exhaustion and fully passed out on the couch for hours. Blah, blah, blah…more about being sick, blah, blah, blah….no, I’m not pregnant; yes, I’m sure. Anyway, I went to work the next two days because, even though I felt crappy, it wasn’t completely crappy enough to take a sick day. It was lousy enough that being at work was more restful then staying home entertaining my kids.
My mom (aka—the babysitter) is of the belief that if I stay home, regardless of reason, you should be taking care of your kids.

“I had to take care of you guys when you were little when I didn’t feel good,
and no one helped me, wah, wah, wah…”

“Well, jeez mom, perhaps that was cause you were too lame to call and ask for
some help ? Since you had two sets of capable Grandparents and about 50
bajillion cousins living less then 5 minutes away????”

Side note: On the day of the car accident when I came home early, took a vicodin & nap; I was informed that I “had a lot of nerve” for coming home early but wanting her to continue to watch the girls because my neck & back were hurting and I wanted to be drugged up for a while. She wouldn’t mind a nap too you know.”

Yeah, I’m a selfish bitch like that.

Since I know I’m not preggers I was trying to think what else it could be & it occurred to me that sinus’ could be the culprit, although no nose running as of yet. Tonight, I got a wave of the very heavy exhaustion again and a migraine about 5 PM. (It sucked because I had actually felt pretty decent most of the day.) I collapsed on the couch & sucked on a diet soda, caffeine can help migraines. I passed out about 6, and woke up a couple hours later (girls were in bed already) feeling less tired. My migraine finally broke about 11. So that was my very, very long way of telling you why I haven’t written all week AND why the heck I’m still up at 2 AM when I am feeling better. I think I’m a little amped from the soda; I had 3 by the time it was all said & done. I don’t drink that much soda in a week usually.

Ok, I also realized that the only things I was really thinking of writing about were about as boring as this post. So there you go.

There's hope! DD#2 had her 18 month check up today, so I have more to report on that this weekend. Hope your week was better than mine.

Got an Hour? I've got a post for you!

Sorry for the delay in posting, I’ll explain in a minute and I think you’ll understand.

At this point Miami feels a bit like a long ago event to me. So sad that those vacation feelings fade so quickly, huh? Sigh.

Vacation was glorious. I got over my Fibro episode after about a day and half and it was all good. In fact, I wasn’t spectacular about my low carb diet the whole vacation; I had vodka strawberry daiquiris (diet coke & vanilla stolli got old quick) and even had some pita one night! Gasp! The humanity of it, I know.

I found it hard to be on vacation & not eat some of these evil carb containing foods. I consider a huge part of travel to be the food. And guess what, there’s a lot of food that is based on carbohydrates. So I just tried not to go to town; I didn’t waste the carbs I was having on things I didn’t care that much about, and actually did really well. I’m guess I’m still learning how much my body will and won’t tolerate. I still haven’t quite figured out what my balance is; meaning the range of carbs I can eat each day and maintain my weight. I still lost 2 lbs on vacation, so even eating the carbs I did eat, I lost some weight. That was a bit of an epiphany. I have now hit the weight I was at prior to having both kids. Crazy, huh? I’ve dieted, I’ve exercised, and I’ve managed to lose some weight and inches in the past, but nothing like this; this is almost like it’s melting off. I won’t think about it until I put on a pair jeans I haven’t worn all summer and find that they now sit on my hips instead of my waist. The little episode in Florida also served another purpose: it confirmed that I am controlling my Fibromyalgia with diet. A few years ago, I would never have thought it possible. I was grateful that I had found a drug regimen that was working for me (many people aren’t that lucky). But I have to admit I did have a nagging worry about the long term affects of being on those drugs. Ultimately I wasn’t treating the syndrome, I was treating the symptoms. But if relief of symptoms was the best I could get I’d take it. I may not being doing much different; but now I don’t think I’m suppressing symptoms by this diet. I believe I’m actually treating my syndrome. I imagine it’s a bit like an allergy to a food. In my case it’s a group of foods. If I eat them, I won’t go into shock, but I will get sick and I now seem to know what causes it. I hope they will soon be able to discover the why. The weight loss has been an added benefit and I have to admit I’m thrilled. I hope to lose another 5-10 lbs (down another dress size) and I’d be exceptionally happy with that. I still eat a ton, so that’s the best part, I don’t feel deprived and my overall health and looks have improved. OMG, sometimes I think I’m going to wake up & realize it’s all just been a dream. And I may have to bitch-slap myself over this last paragraph. Seriously, the weight loss has been easy.

So back to vacation; we had a couple glorious days of laying on the beach. I know, not very good for your skin in the long run. But the short term…Dude! I have such an awesome tan! Personally, there isn’t much more relaxing than sitting on the warm sand of the beach while a cabana boy brings you cocktails. Bliss.

I knew I needed a vacation, I just didn’t realize how badly. It was lovely, and it was nice to have so much time with DS, just the two of us. We did realize that we spent a lot of time watching families with kids the same age as ours. We both missed the girls very much. We didn’t pine over it, but we found that they were always on our mind. We stayed out late (and realized we’re kinda over that whole Spring Break scene—too much work) and slept in late. We ate dinner at 10 PM, and sat on the patio of bars watching the whole South Beach scene while sipping cocktails late in the early morning hours. (We love to be the peanut gallery.) It was fun, but we’re both very, very glad to be home. The girls were excellent at the G’parents and have actually been better behaved (knock on wood) since we’ve been back, so maybe we all needed this break.

On Monday, I got back onto work and reality hit. I was greeted by a not very nice email which pretty much stressed me out for the next 24 hours. The fact that it stressed me out added to my stress; honestly, I don’t want to care that much when it comes to this job & this place. While I’m not going to go into details the email was somewhat of personal attack & that’s a lot of why it stressed me out. I spent most of my Monday stressing about how I wanted to respond to it and crafting that response. Tuesday morning I was able to mostly put it out of my mind & focus on my girls and today I greeted by what might be somewhat of an apology. Go Figure. I’m glad I was able to more or less put it away when not here (although I did notice that my need for chocolate went up exponentially,) but it still irks me that it was able to get to me to the degree it did. It also irks me that this person effective dropped a bomb & walked away with no regard for the consequences of their statements. BAH!

I was going to write yesterday, but in an effort to put that email aside I mostly stayed away from the computer. I had a lovely day of coloring and playing outside with the girls. We had lunch w/my dad (he surprised DD#1 by showing up to watch her gymnastics class) and while DD#2 took her nap, DD#1 and I colored together which was really fun. It was nice to just hang out with her and not have her whining at me. When DD#2 got up we went for a walk (it was perfect here yesterday) and ended up hanging out for the afternoon at a neighbors house. My house isn’t any cleaner, but we were all relaxed & happy and isn’t that what really matters most?

We aren't in Kansas anymore, Toto!

So we’re in Miami.

Our trip was pretty non-eventful; we had a few issues w/DS’s itinerary; had the next days date on it and then upon clearing it up finding that we weren’t sitting together, but a bit of schmoozing and we had the bulkhead seats, so it actually worked out better for us. Compared to the last trip, it was heavenly.

We got here about 9 EST so by the time we got to the hotel & such everyone was ready to eat & drink. We all headed to the main hotel and had bar food for dinner. When that bar kicked us out (at like 12) we went to another real bar w/a couple bands & drank there for a while. Very fun. Very DINKs (Double Income No Kids, which was us before we hard our lovely babies) of us. Ummm, minor detail I forgot; on American (at least in coach) they don’t serve food, just drinks. You can buy food, ridiculously priced of course, but otherwise, not even a bag o’peanuts. We knew this, so in the airport I purchased a sandwich for DS & a salad for myself. Cool. Only when I went to eat my salad, no dressing. IIt was a bummer, but I had some low carb granola bars with me so I ate one of those. Of course, when we started drinking I kinda forgot to take into account that I really hadn’t eaten and started downing Morgan’s & cokes. And since after like 2 sips I was feeling no pain, I continued to drink them all night. I also forgot to order them as Morgan’s & Diet Cokes. Minor detail, which it turns out has major consequences.

Yeah, my body totally rebelled on me.

I woke up the next morning feeling dehydrated, not really hung over, but dehydrated. I started drinking lots of water & about 2 hours later got a headache. I still chalk that up to dehydration. About an hour after that, my stomach rebelled. I’ll leave it at that, you can use your imagination. By dinnertime I was fully nauseous. I ordered dinner took like two bites & declared myself done. The thought of food was making we queasy by now. So we came home by 9 & were in bed by 10. I woke up every hour because I so uncomfortable & I kept the ice bucket (lined w/a plastic bag) next to the bed because more then once I thought I was going to lose it (my lunch to be specific).

DS’s conference started today, so after he left I sort of passed out for about 2 hours, which made me feel slightly more human. Now, I have those “haven’t had any sleep” body cramps. Except that mine our mitigated by the fibro, which makes them more intense & longer lasting then the usual ones. I could nap & drink lots of water, but time & consistency (low, low carb) are what will help get rid of them. I hope.
So it’s 2 in the afternoon & I just finished getting dressed. (I move very slowly when I hurt this much). I’ve had half a bottle of water since I’ve been up & I’m about halfway through a low carb granola bar (only think I had to snack on in the room). I think I’m ready to go look for something more substantial like cheese or eggs. I’ve looked up bus routes & the hours of several things I want to go do, (most are closed today) so it hasn’t been a totally wasted day. And while I’m still queasy, my stomach has stopped doing flip flops at the thought of food. We haven’t seen much of the sun, or I’d probably be down by the pool now w/a book. If we had the kids with us, we’d there or the beach for sure, it’s in low 80s & pretty nice overall. Since I don’t have the kids, I’m going to walk to the closest ATM & then walk to the nearby (about 3 city blocks) Macy’s. (My purse is killing me, I forgot how much pressure it puts on my neck. I need a stroller ;) I don’t really have a “summer purse” since I’ve spent the last two summers schlepping a diaper bag. I’m hoping to find something that won’t hurt my neck so much, but is usable. So we’ll see. If all of that goes well, I’ll probably go read at a Starbucks for a while. If I decide I’m feeling really good I’ll go check out Coconut Grove (supposed to have good shopping). So we’ll see.
Next post I’ll hopefully have some pix of the “colorful” attire we’ve been seeing down in South Beach. It’s so exactly what you’d expect from South Beach. My inner 10-year-old boy is working overtime.