Dark Clouds, Silver-ish Linings

It's been crazy, as usual.  But new crazy.  I've been struggling with sleep since Thanksgiving.  Yeah, 3 months now.  I don't sleep AT ALL for 2-3 nights, then on the 3rd or 4th night I pass out exhausted.  So that's been a bit draining.  (Ya think?)  My endocrinologist is messing with my drug cocktail.  We've established that both the T4 & T3 hormones for Hashimoto's actually do help me.  I'll be back on both as of tomorrow, so I've got a week of build up until we can try something else.  In other words, same shit, different day.  *sigh*

Things with Little have been rough.

Her speech and learning issues are giving her some trouble.  She's okay, but she's having to work really hard to be okay. She brings stuff home and I help her.  Ultimately she's fine, she just needs extra help getting started or staying focused.  And if she perceives she can't do it, it's meltdown city.  I then spend a lot of time walking her through the work.  This will be for multiple assignments until her confidence has been restored.  So that's school work.

The really hard part has been that she's being bullied.  The bullying is mean girl stuff.  It's manipulative, under the radar, nastiness being done by girls who are supposedly her friends.  Every day she comes home and declares if she had a "good day or a bad day."  That report is directly related to how these girls have treated her that day.  On a positive note, she's gotten very skilled in what to do in negative social situations. Probably more skilled than a lot of adults.  That's the only positive thing I can say about it. Things are so bad, that when she goes off & does other activities during recess, like kickball, they will give her a hard time for doing something else! They'll hassle her because she was playing kickball instead of being abused hanging out with them.  It's bad. It's like, she moves away from them because they're jerks to her, but then they seek her out, SO THEY CAN BE JERKS TO HER, about her staying away! Her frustration and meltdowns are high, (mine too, can you tell?) By the end of the week her fuse is so short, you can pretty much get a meltdown from walking into the same room as her.  Honestly, she's doing an amazing job in a really hard situation.  All of her meltdowns are at home.  She holds it together in pubic.  No one knows about the girl she can be at home.  In relation to this, we started her in a 'social group' at her therapy group week before last.  It's with other girls like her; similar issues with sensory, flexible thinking, etc...  They work on how to deal with social conflicts.  They've giving the girls a virtual tool box to draw from when they're feeling bad. (Colors/codes to identify how they feel.  Things to do when feeling that way.)  Couple nights ago,  she built a "real" box of tools.  She did this because she was trying to chill from what we think is an anxiety attack.  (Yeah, it's that bad.)  So, she's embracing the ideas they're giving her and really trying.  She likes it, and the girls a lot, so at least it's something that's making her happy, right?

Lastly, I've got the school testing her for her learning disabilities.  It's becoming obvious that many of these things are not going to be "resolved."  At least, not any time soon.  I'm concerned that she will run into a teacher who isn't supportive of what (extra things,) she needs in her environment to be successful.  Beside the fact that the school should be paying for some of these services, I want them to have their own documentation on her.  If we do run into that educator, the one who isn't inclined to support her extra needs, I don't want to be starting from scratch with them, on getting her help.  We have an official IEP meeting scheduled for March. I'm terrified. IEP is the real deal.  I'm scared they're going to say she doesn't have needs that I know she has and then refuse to help her. I'm scared, I'll piss off the wrong person, (or already have, knowing me,) and that will impact how they treat her.  And a part of me is scared of hearing of the things she does have, giving a real name to them.  It's like her sensory defensiveness, we knew she had a sensory issue, we just didn't realize it was a full blown thing.  We chalked a lot up to personality.  When I learned it had a name & symptoms that she quite obviously fell into, I could not have felt more guilty.  There were tools and techniques we could have been using to help her, and we hadn't even considered them.  I suspect, there is more of that on the horizon for us.

Alright, that's enough of an update for now.  I've been putting off putting this stuff into words.  The bullying & my ongoing health issues drain me enough.  Writing about & thus reliving them, doesn't improve that.  It's not all doom & gloom.  Little is still Little, there's no holding that kid back. She has lots of high points too.  She fun and funny and crazy, like always.   And Big is in her 5th grade year.  Last year of elementary school.  (Also, I don't want to talk about, because I'm in denial  that she's so freaking OLD already!) There's been a lot of great, fun things going on with her too.  I'll try to get back on here in the next week to give you all some more of the positive stuff.  (And hopefully report that I'm sleeping again.)