Honest to a Fault

While I admitted in my last post, I was having a tantrum & being a spoiled brat, it doesn't make me feel any better about it when I read it. The problem is that I need to write on a regular basis to prevent my little meltdowns. I haven't been doing that and the result, she wasn't pretty.

What happend was that during Thanksgiving I was outed. Not in a, "my mom friended me on Facebook" way. (She did that a long time ago.) More in a, "someone read my Twitter stream history and then reported one of my meltdowns to the poor victim with whom I was laying blame," kind of way. That person, (the victim,) apologized to me for what happened. It doesn't really matter what it was, because 1) it wasn't really something that was a big deal and 2) it isn't that important to this conversation. What does matter is that I looked and felt like numero uno assh***. The person who read the message had taken a 140 character moment of frustration and now turned it into so much more. While what I wrote might have been true, it wasn't something I would've said to the other person, as it would have served no purpose other than to be hurtful. In having it said to that person after the fact, I'm sure that person's feelings were quite hurt. At the time, I wasn't even sure what they were talking about, that's how quick of a vent that stupid message was. And, to be honest, I was just as pissed at myself as the other person, thus the venting. I'm actually annoyed with the person who found it and told them. Maybe that's me still being an ass, but if they had thought about it they would have realized that repeating it to them was nothing but mean. If they had issue with me, then the reader should have come to me and said something.

Given the circumstances would I have written that again? At first I would have told you, "No." I have felt awful that I hurt that person's feelings. It was me spouting off to my friends. It wasn't meant to be repeated. I'm sure we've all done that, and quite a few of us have been caught from time to time. I feel like the person who repeated it was somewhat mean spirited in doing so. Yes, I said it, and I will own that I said it. But, when it was repeated, it was taken out of context which made it come across as much bigger deal. That being said, I've been a bit torn about my writing, and how it affects those around me. My reaction has been to stay away because I didn't want to hurt anyone else. In hindsight, I think that was a mistake.

I started writing this blog for me. It's supposed to be a record of who I am in these days when my children are small. This is in hope that it will give them some insight into decisions I've made during this time. It's also a place for me to air my grievances, (vent my frustrations,) when I need to. I need to have a forum like this to keep me sane. This last month, ending with the accumulation of my meltdown is a prime example of why I need to write. So, while I agree with you if you find me a bit of a spoiled brat, it doesn't matter. This brat needs to be a brat on here, so I can carry on in the real world.

Over Done, Merry Effing X-mas

I'm over done.
I'm sort of in the middle of a tantrum of my own, I guess, but I've been bottling up all these feelings for some time now (why I haven't written) and now they've accumulated till there's no more room for them.
I'm feeling overwhelmed as we're dealing with the third round of lice in the girls. I literally spent my entire day yesterday and today, treating the girls & brushing them out. I haven't even done the whole wipe down, clean out the whole house thing because I just can't wrap my head around it. But it's hanging over my head that I need to do it, or I will be dealing with round #4 of this, at which point I'm considering fire bombing the damn house.

Yesterday, we did Christmas gifts w/my family. The girls were thrilled, as they received what they were hoping Santa would bring, (American Girl dolls,) but from my parents. Honestly, that's really all I care about, that they're happy. But, I'd be lying if I didn't admit I was left feeling like a major afterthought. For some reason, my mom decided that I would like what my SIL wanted for Christmas. So, pretty much, she gave me duplicates to what she bought my SIL. My SIL & I don't buy for each other, so haven't seen her list. I'm assuming that she wanted the things we were given. Maybe she's thinking the same thing as me. What I do know, is that of the presents I received, 3 were things I already had, and 1 was something I won't use. I don't want to sound ungrateful, and I know that's how this is sounding, it's just another straw added to my stress level, and the camel's back broke ages ago. It just made me feel like crap. Several years ago my family created electronic lists, so there was no question as to what people wanted for birthdays & Christmas. I updated my list, but no one seems to have actually looked at it. OK, that's not true, I did get a bathrobe (from my parents,) I wanted for my birthday. But otherwise, no. My husband got me a outdoor light for my birthday, no, I did NOT ask for it. I mentioned this summer when we had the house painted, that now we needed a new light & mailbox for the porch. I did not put it on any personal lists. I did not consider it something that I would've give to my husband as a gift, as it's something for the house, not the person. Now, my folks have joined the foray with their effort at Christmas, and it just made me feel like crap.
Yes, I'm totally having a pity party. Yes, I'm being a baby & throwing a tantrum of sorts. I get it, I need to put on my big girl panties and move on. It's just been a nonstop barrage of Fibro symptoms, and fire drills (read: lice infestation) and I'm feeling very over worked, overwhelmed and under appreciated. I know much of this is an emotional reaction to the lack of sleep & pain I'm dealing with, but it doesn't make me want to cry any less just because I know the rational side of what's wrong with me.
Tonight, when DaddySpeak got home early from work, I suggested we get Subway & go see the lights in the park in Los Gatos. Yes, it will be a long line, but we're free tonight & the girls would like it. He said no. He said it was because sitting in the car like that is bad for my back, but I know the real truth is that he hates being in the car like that. He can say what he wants, but that's the truth and he knows it. I was in the middle of my FOUR HOUR hair routine w/the girls at the time, so him coming in and telling me I'm doing it wrong didn't improve my mood so much either. I told him to knock himself out & finish, so he did. When done, he wanted to know what was up for dinner. I told him I had put forth my suggestion & been shot down, so he could do it. I did suggest some food I had in the kitchen, but the girls wanted pizza and worked him over. I'm supposed to be getting on my low carb diet which, is sort of a joke, (I've been stress eating so much chocolate, I'm pretty sure I've gained all the weight back I just lost,) but I opted out. So they went out to dinner. I'm sure they were probably relieved to get away from me. I'm such a freaking bitch right now, I wouldn't want to be around me either.
So I'm going to go frolic with all the last min shoppers & see if I can't get my ass run over in a mall parking lot or something, because, clearly I hate myself. (Why else would one go shopping tonight?) I have a couple last minute things I need to get for the girls and him. Not deal breakers, but things I haven't been able to get because of sick kids, sick me, and now school's out.

Zooming

My brain is racing right now. Spinning doesn't begin to cover how I'm feeling. Gawd, I can't wrap my head around this, even though I've discussed with w/DaddySpeak (DS) and already know the answer. Well, basically know the answer. SEE! That's the problem. For some reason, my brain seems to think there's more to this than what I already know. I think it's my heart, screwing w/my head.

You're probably going to laugh at me. Or call me names. Imply I'm living through my kid. But I'm not. I even asked DS if he thought I was and he at least had to courtesy to lie if he thought I was doing that.

Part of it is that options presented themselves. Options I had no idea existed. Things I thought were off the table completely, so the decision was really made for us. This week, I found out some of those options exist for her and now my head is ZOOMING!

You know Big plays soccer. She's actually turned out to be a good player. She's on a good team. If you remember, I was really nervous about her being on this team because they're so good. Neither DS or I were particularly good at "team" sports. We weren't awful, but neither of us were first choice when teams got picked is what I'm saying. (Actually, that's not entirely true. I was a RAWKN kickball pitcher & always picked first or second for that game. That means my "sports career" pretty much peaked in 5th grade.) So anywho, this season their team went undefeated. Woot! Last season we came in second. Pretty much it's Big's team and this one other one, Team M that are the best teams in our league. Both are basically teams from Big's school.

Next year/season is when the girls are old enough to try out for "comp" (competitive) soccer. Big's good, but she not one of the team's stars. I would say the biggest issue she has is that she needs to be more aggressive, kind of a big issue for a competitive league. We are also aware of the horror stories about comp soccer; parents & coaches that are all about their child scoring goals/wins, traveling up and down the state for games, high-costs, etc.... Basically I'm saying that comp soccer isn't really on our radar screen. So....the coach's daughter is going to try out for comp for this Spring. She will make it, so our team is out a coach. Really, about half the team seems to plan to try out for comp. We haven't really been sure what will happen next year w/the team. Big wants to play softball for Spring and that's fine. Well it was fine. I've been saying all along, "It's too bad there isn't some way we can't take the whole team comp together." (Comp tryouts place you on a team based on that teams need & your players abilities.) A couple days ago, I got an email indicating that the team going comp together has become a possibility. We would all still have to try out, but it would be a new team and the foundation would consist primarily of players from our team and the other really good team from our league. Our current coach would be one of the coaches on this team. That news, in of itself would not have warranted much thought, except for this second thing: Big has been scouted. I know!!!! Who would've thunk???!!! Did you know they even scouted kids as young as SEVEN??? Well they do. When I first got the the email related to this news I assumed it was a form letter sent to the whole team. I figured our team & maybe a few of the other top teams in our league all probably got them. Well, I thought wrong. In a conversation w/the coach's wife (she's going to coach a softball team this season,) I mentioned the letter. We discussing scheduling and such. She asked me to clarify the letter, which I did. She informed me that only 6 girls from the team received this letter. WhatyoutalkingboutWillis? No, this does not at all indicate that Big would be picked to play on a comp team. No, this is not the comp team or league her current coach would be coaching. But just the fact that Mah Kid Haz Skillzz is blowing me out of the water. Look, it's not like I don't think my kid is a good player, because I do. I totally do! I just assumed that my view is a little skewed, being that she is my kid and all. This letter told me, no it wasn't just me. She may or may not be a great player and no she isn't the team "star", but she does has something that someone who knows about these things noticed. That is no small thing.
Why is my head spinning about this then? Well, Big wants to play softball this spring. She has made that very clear. Tryouts for this comp soccer team are yearly in Dec. I feel like she has her best chance to make the team if she gets in on the ground floor. Now. I know a lot of what she likes about playing is related to her team; the girls and the coaches. Most of her friends and coaches are going to be doing this comp team and will most likely be able to stay together. I think if she doesn't do this now, in a year or sooner, she will be disappointed. With a different coach I'm not sure she'll continue to develop as well. I'm just so torn. I wonder if I should push a little to see if I can get her to try out, see how she likes it. She can always quit later, right? But at the same time, I don't want to be the mom who is pushing too hard.

I just feel like she's got a really unique opportunity here. I think this opportunity will probably not be there for her if she let's it pass her by right now. But I don't know how to convey that to her. It's her decision, I just don't know how to explain all the cards that are in her hand. THAT is why my head is spinning.
_____________________
No, I have not, nor will I be informing her about the scout letter. I want her to play because she wants to. I just really want her to want this I guess.

How I know I'm done having kids

NSFSBV
Not Safe For Sue Bob Viewing

Two weeks ago a good friend asked if we'd watch her almost 3yo twins for the day. They were going away for 4 days & she had the rest of the time covered, but needed someone to watch them the first day, all day. I said, "No problem" The twins, especially Girl Twin, adores Big & Little. We play with them more or less once a week, so they know us well. Also, when I've been in a crunch, their mom has watched Little for me, more times than I probably know, so I owe her, if nothing else.

The twins have started pre-school and are more or less potty trained. (I know, they aren't even three yet!) She gave us the heads up on the potty situation (Girl had gone, Boy had not, neither had pooped yet.) Kids started playing & everything was more or less fine. After about an hour, I remembered that they should probably try to go. At the mere mention of the word bathroom (or anything remotely related to it,) Girl Twin would curl into the fetal position and start crying. She wouldn't say anything. She'd just lay down in a fetal position and cry. Um, yeah. "Okay, you let us know when you need to go honey." Boy twin said he didn't have to go yet. "Well then, let's all go play outside!" About 10 min later Boy twin decides he has to go. So DaddySpeak and I both escort him to the bathroom. I'm suddenly stymied. Does he stand up or sit down? I look at DS, "How would I know?"
"I don't know, you're a guy, you have more experience with this than me, what do you think?"
He looks at me blankly.
I make the executive call and determine, he's "just" potty trained, he's not even three, so he MUST sit down. Right? Right? (He's not tall enough to pee standing up, right?) I plop him on the toilet seat, (of course, we don't have a smaller seat that goes over it, or a potty chair anymore, that would be too easy). I "tuck his junk" and sort of step back. I don't really step back, so much as straiten up. You know, big seat, small bum, could be pretty traumatic if he fell in, so I wanted to be there to grab him, just in case. Next thing I know, he's pulled it out and is peeing. Not in the toilet. Noooooo. He's peeing all over the wall across from the toilet. "But how?" you ask, since I was standing in front of him. Well, luckily I had my legs spread apart, so yes, he was peeing on the wall, shooting it between! my! legs! (Dude, I can't make this shit up!) Just to complete the visual for you, Boy twin, he was laughing while he was doing it too. I yelp, but can't move, because I'll get peed on. I look to the door where DS was standing and HE'S GONE! I yell for him, because I don't know what to do at this point. In the meantime, Boy twin is going, going, going... (and laughing, laughing, laughing,) remember he'd been holding it for a couple hours before this. DS shows up and is yelling and laughing. Pee's running down the wall, all over the floor (THANK BABY JEBUS I had on shoes for a change!) and it's running down the heating vent on the floor next to me. Special, I know. So, not a drop in the toilet, not a drop on Boy twin, but all over bathroom wall and floor. DS got the wet vac and went to town after. Luckily, we hadn't cleaned out the vents yet from summer (heater's been turned off). There was a thin layer of lint & pet hair that "caught" most of what went in the vent. So, no, the bathroom did NOT smell of nastiness when the heater did get turned on.

Twins 1 - Speaks 0

After we finished that adventure, I had some errands I had to run. DS said they would all be fine. All the kids were playing in the backyard. We'd tried to get Girl twin to use the potty again with similar results. Yes, we did try to get Big & Little Speak to coax her, she wasn't having it. Fetal position, ground & tears. While I was gone, DS noticed Girl twin suddenly beeline for the corner of the yard. He realized she couldn't hold it any longer, but she was too fast for him. When he got to her she had already peed herself. When I came home, both of the twins were on their second set of clothes, and it wasn't even lunch time yet.

Twins 2 - Speaks 0

It was around this time, I realized, I am done having kids. I love babies. I mean I LOVE babies. I want another baby. When I smell new baby smell my ovaries ache. I mean it, they ache. I swear I spontaneously ovulate right then and there. But I do NOT and can NOT handle a toddler again. No way. It'll be the death of me I'm sure.

Fibro

I try to tell myself I'm just overdoing it. I'm run down from being sick. I'm getting sick. Aunt Flo's about to visit. I can think of TONS of reasons why I feel so run down, tired, achy, headachey, etc... My reality is that my Fibro seems to be coming out of remission. I don't want to admit that. The idea of it, is depressing on it's own. There have been lots of hints, some little (trouble sleeping,) some big, (migraines). When you look at all of it, it adds up to Fibro. I went to the doctor this week for my migraines. He was very excited because he has this "wonder drug" for me. "I'm going to kick myself for not coming for help sooner." I hope he's right. But when he found out I have Fibro, and that this might be linked he had lots of questions. Good questions. It's almost weird, the turn around from, even just a few years ago, when doctors looked at you suspiciously if you told them you had Fibro. He knew a lot about symptoms, and what to ask. He believed the migraines are linked to my hormones and my Fibro, but thinks this "wonder drug" will really help. Incidentally, while I was there, I got a migraine. So I got to try this "wonder drug" right away. It did seem to help, not exactly the way he said it would, but I'm headache free 24 hours later, so we'll see.

He was also very concerned about my sleep issues. Oh did I neglet to mention those? Yeah, my body is suddenly on the swing shift. Seriously, it's like someone has fliped a switch and I can't turn off after around 9-10 at night. Suddenly, it's 3 AM and I'm still NOT TIRED! I almost feel bipolar about it, I'm so awake. But, you know, kids have to get up at 7, so I'm shot when I have to get up with them. The sleep I am getting has been tense. I wake up w/a sore face/jaw/head from clenching my jaw all night. I'm also getting next to no REM, which is the typical sleep pattern for people with Fibro. He gave me a low-dose anti-depressant to help with my sleep. It's something I've been on before, so hopefully it will be helpful this time as well.

I'm depressed. I'm tired. I have a lot of medical symptoms going on. But I don't want to whine, so that's why I haven't written about it. Alright, to be honest, if I wrote about it, it made it real. I don't want it back. I want the nice, normal, active life I've started to have these last few months. But I do realize I need to ask for help and try to stop this before it gets out of hand. Now that I have kids, I don't have luxury of letting it get the best of me. I just don't.

Wordless Wednesday - Halloween Edition

I know I've been MIA. I'll write more about it later. It's because of Fibro, so it's a downer, not to mention that Fibro makes me down, so I'm a party. Woo! Anywho, as usual, can't keep my mouth shut on a Wordless post. I'm nothing, if not consistent. Providing some eye candy is better than listening to me complain, no?

My Bully Story

After the last week w/everyone talking about bullying I'm finally jumping on the bandwagon. So yeah, the topic has totally jumped the shark. I would've written this when everyone else was, but I've been sick, so I've been sending out emails w/links to really good posts I've seen on the topic instead. The ultimate retweet. ;-) Tonight I'm lying in bed, but can't really sleep yet, so what the heck, it's on my mind.
My oldest daughter's school has a strict "no bullying" policy. They have parents sign up to oversee it, come into the classroom & read books, talk about it. I'm pretty sure the kids all sign "contracts" agreeing not to do it, blah, blah, blah... Let's face it, kids don't always know what bullying is, you know it, when it happening to you, but a lot of the time it's much more subtle then what used to go on when we were kids.
When I was in 7th or 8th grade I was bullied. It probably wasn't the first time. It was the only time that I was truly scared. The girl was in my grade & I have no idea why I was picked, but she suddenly hated my guts and was going to "kick my ass". This girl was at least twice my size. She was easily 5' 8" & looked more like a 25yo than a 13yo. I was about 5'5" and not sure I weighed 100lbs soaking wet. She picked on me for several days with it accumulating to her "calling me out". See we had a "no tolerance policy" for bullying in my middle school also. The kids got around it, but planning their fights for after school. I didn't feel I could back down to her. I don't recall that I particularly stood up to her either. I've never really been known for my shyness when it comes to my mouth & sarcasm, (I know, you're shocked). I'm sure I had some quick responses to help her come to her decision to "kick my ass". I didn't tell any adults. What the heck were they going to do? If I did, my mom would make her drive me to and from school and that would fuel the fire, and make me feel like the loser this girl was telling me I was. No, I stood my ground & told her I'd meet her after school to get my ass kicked as planned. I don't think that's exactly what I said, but that's sure how I felt. I remember it quite clearly, even now. I was lucky. I had a group of really good friends. They were quite concerned for my life. Most likely they were afraid I'd ask one of them to be my second, and my adversary's BFF was built like her, so I'm sure my friends were not looking forward to that. Someone told. Probably one of my friends. I got pulled out of 3rd period by the Vice Principal. (Yeah, I still remember what period of school it was, guess it all made an impression.) I was shocked to be honest. She told me what she knew, which was pretty much what was going on. I remember her asking me why I didn't tell. "How do you think that would've improved my situation?" It was middle school, the VP wasn't new, she knew exactly what I meant and she didn't have a different or better answer for me. In the end, parents were called in, then we (my bully and I) were called in, together. The VP "mediated" how we were to interact from here on out and as far as I know that's as far as it went. This girl was not new to getting in trouble, but that was pretty much the end of it. As an adult I suspect her mother had been told that her kid would be expelled if it continued, or something along those lines. I really don't know. I just know she more or less left me alone after that.
Do you know what I learned from that experience? Nothing.
No one came along and said here's a better way to deal with this. Adults understood why I felt I couldn't tell, but also couldn't give me a different or better way to deal with this situation. Back in the day, it wasn't considered inappropriate to tell your kid to stick up for themselves and/or teach them to fight. Now, it is. So the only real answer we have for our kids is for them to tell. In some ways I suppose that's good. No one expects you to fight back. At least, not the sane people; the adults.

My daughter told me of an incident that had her in tears recently. A boy had pushed and hit one of her friends in the back during recess. When she first told me, she was so upset, I thought it must have happened to her. When I did get the full story out of her, I learned it had happened several days before. I asked her how they responded, and they did tell an adult, but apparently it isn't the first or last time this kid has done this type of thing. The girls involved did not feel that this child was reprimanded over this incident. I was torn as to how much weight to give the subject. I basically told her she, and her friends need to stick up for each other and tell an adult. I also (failed miserably I'm afraid,) told her that boys will do stuff like that when they like you and to basically get used to it. (While that may be true, it was the part that made me not want to give it too much weight, and it's the part I failed at most.) I really didn't like the answer I gave her and the whole thing was stuck in my head for a while. Then I realized it was because what happened was a form of bullying. That's why she was so upset, and why my answer sucked so much. Since this time, this boy has been suspended once this year for hitting. I happen to know the kid, and he has bigger issues than being a potential bully. I also, don't think he realizes the intimidation his actions bring. I really don't, but like I said, this particular kid, much bigger issues. I did talk to Big about it some more after that. We talked about intimidation, and how that's how that boy made her and her friends feel when he did that. We talked about what that felt like, that "icky, ball in the pit of your stomach" feeling. Words like intimidation and bully, don't really have weight w/her yet. But when I asked her to describe the feeling, she knew it. She knows, no one should be allowed to make her feel that way. We talked about give people power and how not to do that. It's obviously a conversation we need to continue. She's seven, it's heavy. You know it, when you feel it, but it you haven't, sometimes it's too much to comprehend. I also told her I felt the yard duty and myself had not handled it as well as we could have and why. I told her in the future, I would be better prepared to help her if the adults who were there didn't deal with it the way it ought to be dealt with, like this time. If the school has a no tolerance policy, then something should have happened with the kid at that time. Other kids need to feel that their word means something or they'll continue to be silent.

I feel better about it now. This all happened before the rash of gay suicides. Now that it's a headline topic, it seemed appropriate to bring it up.

Reality is that there are NO good answers when it comes to bullying. But an open dialog, and explaining things in terms kids can understand are a good step in the right direction. Understanding that part of bullying is giving someone power to make you feel a certain way. A way that isn't good. That no one has the right to make you feel that way. THAT is what we need our kids to understand. THAT is what we want them to tell us. Silence is what those bullies are counting on.

FYI--My bully. She sent me a friend request on Facebook not all that long ago. Yeah, um, not. We might be past it, but that doesn't mean I want to hang out with you, even 30 years later.

Not Depressed. Not All That Happy Either.

Our network was down for a week. I know a week! I'm not sure how I survived it either. That, coupled with some other issues I'm having, are the reason I haven't posted in longer than usual. During that week, I had lots of things to post about, of course. Now I can't remember what they were.

I'm having a hard time lately. I'm exhausted. Fatigued. Wiped. All of the above. I'm having migraines, bad ones, every other day. By 3 PM I'm shot. It's all I can do to keep the kids alive till DaddySpeak gets home. Yes, my back is finally better and now this. I wonder to myself if I'm being a hypochondriac, even to myself. Could I be imagining these symptoms? Do I need to have some kind of medical drama, about me, all the time? But in the back of my mind I know exactly what is going on with me. I haven't wanted to write it. Writing it, makes is seem real. It means I have to start to fight it, and I'm so very tired. I don't want to fight, I want to curl up and go to sleep.
I'm pretty sure it's the Fibro showing it's ugly head. I'm having back/neck pain, (not my disc in my lower back. This is up in my shoulder area). I'm not sleeping well, (no REM sleep). I'm having focus issues, (Fibro Fog). I'm tired all the time, (CFS). The laundry list of symptoms has started. Why? Why now? I think it's because I'm not on the low-carb diet anymore. Seriously. No, I wasn't being great about it, but I still wasn't really eating breads, pasta or rice. I was eating way less carbs than I think I realized. I started Weight Watchers about 6 weeks ago. I've lost 10 lbs., I've done WW before and had good success. The problem is that I'm eating rice & pasta again. The last 4 weeks have seen my symptoms getting worse. I got my doctor to run blood tests. I was sure it was hormones, it's not. It's been years since I've experienced symptoms. Like a pouting two-year-old, I'm stomping my feet and having a tantrum. I don't want this. I just want to have time and energy to enjoy my family. My girls don't even know who I am, what I can do. They've just started to get a glimpse of me. I feel like I've already missed so much. Dramatic much? Yeah, I know. Hopefully, getting back on the low-carb diet will stop it again. I have to be honest, I'm not really looking forward to it. I like my daily mocha. I miss pasta & chocolate. Not as much as I like feeling well, but I still feel a sense of loss over it. Hopefully, that's what this is about, but it's still frustrating. It's scary. What if the diet doesn't help?
My mom asked me today if I'm depressed. I've been wondering if I am, but I don't think so. Depression would take energy, that I just don't have, at all.

Sunday

Here's an example of why I don't seem to have time to blog.
Today I got up at 7, got Big ready & off to CCD (Sunday school) at 8:30. Came home, clean up kitchen, switched laundry and went back to get Big. Took both girls to Starbucks on way home. DaddySpeak was up when we got back, now 10. Decided I was tired and went and laid down for a bit. Woke up at noon. No one was home, and was still tired so laid on couch while I read emails on my phone. Family came back from grocery store and started making pies. I FELL BACK ASLEEP for two more hours!

Either I'm coming down with something or I'm a complete sloth! No wonder I can't sleep at night half the time, nor can I get anything done during the day!

Lying Around

Mir, being the awesome writer she is, got me thinking about the subject of lying. We've been dealing with it in the House O'Speak recently. Gasp, I know, my preshus babahs lied??? and I'm curious to hear what your suggestions/opinions are on how to handle this situation. I don't think I'm handling it as well as I need to, in order to avoid it becoming the norm in the future.

BigSpeak, has always been “the sweet one” and LittleSpeak is my "spirited child.” This affects how I approach them on this subject. Maybe it shouldn't, and maybe some of it has to do with age, but either way, the subject is not equal in this house. It doesn't pan out the way you might think. In fact, the way Little is dealt with, is more how you might think I would deal with the seven year old, not the four year old. It's been personality based, which is right in some ways, but I still think I'm lacking in a huge way on this one.

Little lies almost constantly. Seriously, it happens so often, it’s like it’s imprinted into her DNA. It’s almost like she doesn’t know how NOT to do it. She’s 4, so I know (at least I believe I know), whenever she does lie to me. But, think about this, by the time it starts to really matter, she’ll have had a TON of practice & probably be pretty good at it. Yeah, I'm pretty much screwed w/her.

Big has been caught in 2 lies recently. Both were things that I thought her sister had done, but turns out she had done. Initially they were “errors of omission” while her sister was getting interrogated & accused. I'm sure she mostly stood by out of fear and self-preservation, considering how much trouble her sister seemed to be about to get in. When I was satisfied her sister hadn’t done it & turned to her, she lied to my face, for like 2 seconds & then told the truth.
I find it hard how to handle the whole she finally told the truth part. I don’t want to over punish her and therefore end up with more lying in the future. But she did make the infraction AND then was going to allow someone else to take the punishment. How do I punish, but somehow show that it was "less of a punishment" than she would've gotten otherwise?

Here's where my question comes from; My mom always told us, "You'll get in more trouble for lying, then you will for the actual act." That might be true, but how do I know that? If I don't lie about it, you're just pissed about whatever it was that I did/didn't do. General punishment prevails. If I lie & then, when put on the spot, tell the truth, haven't I just been taught to "play the odds" and if they don't pan out, go for the plea bargain? Doesn't that imply the "plea bargain" will net a lesser punishment? I have no doubt my kids are smart enough to think it through to this point. I did after all. Obviously, my mom didn't give me a good example of how to do this well. Are you getting that I was a bit like Little? Quit laughing, I know payback is a bitch.

Any suggestions? Please?? It's for the safety of the world, really.

Wordless Wednesday-First Day of School, Thursday Edition

And because it's me it's not completely wordless. I can't help it. I just can't keep my mouth shut.

Anywho, BigSpeak started school a couple weeks ago & LittleSpeak started on Wednesday (yesterday).

Big is in Second Grade. Yes, I know, we're screwed. She freaking looks 17, not 7! Gah!
















And this is LittleSpeak. She started Jr. K today. She's a little excited. Ya think? There's no living with her now. She's certain she is all grown up and wants the car keys. (You think I'm joking don't you?)

Great Intentions...

I have this great intention of writing more. And if you know me, you know what that means...

Yeah, so I haven't been around for a while.

One thing I figured out this summer is why my back was taking so long to heal.

MY COMPUTER!!! Who Knew???

It seriously did not occur to me that the computer was contributing because I have a laptop. I work on my computer while sitting, or lying on the couch. I move around. A lot. I didn't think it was contributing because of the way I used it. Now that I know that, I'm trying to limit my time on the laptop.
Ummm, yeah, that's like asking a crack addict to scale back to once a week or something.

Since I have no self-control I'm not getting on my laptop as much. Don't get on, don't stay on too long. I check my email, tweet and Facebook on my phone. I get on my laptop for 15 mins to answer the emails I can't answer on my phone. I intend to do more, like blog, but I usually can't finish what I get on there for in the first place in 15 mins.

So that's where I've been. Or where I haven't been.
I'm here, but I'm limited in what I can do on the computer. When I don't limit myself, I can tell. It sucks. I'm trying to get on here more. And, hey, if you have any suggestions on how I can figure out a way to be able to here more, I'm listening...

Last Day of Summer

This is the longest I've been away from my blog. I'm sort of overwhelmed w/the idea of catching up. So I'm posting this; to try & help me get over it. I'm hoping that if I do this then I can post & not be stressed about catching up. So tomorrow is the first day of school. I'll have a 2nd grader. In a couple weeks, I'll also have a pre-K'er. It's going fast. Summer flew by & my back still seems better, so hopefully this week I'll have more for you and gratuitous photos.

Amazing and Lucky

This weekend I realized how much my husband really loves me. That might sound like a weird statement when I tell you why, but just wait, you'll see.
We've been married for nine years, and he does lots of the traditional things on the traditional days to show me that he cares for me. I appreciate all of those things, (and hopes he continues on that tract,) but this weekend he showed me his love in ways that I couldn't have articulated before hand. They're such small things and yet, that is part of what makes them so big. During these past four years especially, with this back problem, he has consistently picked up the slack over and over again for me. But this weekend, he came over to the beach house after being away from us all week. He stepped in and just picked up where I left off! On Friday, when we got back from the beach, BigSpeak had been trounced by the ocean during the day. She went to the outdoor shower to get cleaned up. LittleSpeak was sounds asleep in the car. DaddySpeak had pulled up a few minutes before us. He fawned over the girls and got all the details of the week while I helped them in the shower (Little woke up during the time). After I got done getting both girls clean (and they were in their room getting dressed). I sat on the couch for a few minutes to pull myself together. I do this most nights. I need 10 mins to decompress and rest my back before I start dinner. I usually look at my phone to see what's happening with Twitter and such. While I did this, he started dinner. Since he was doing this, and I realized it, I took a few minutes longer than usual and had a little conversation. When I walked over the kitchen (maybe 15 mins total had passed) the table was set, dinner was made & we were being called to eat! I KNOW that's not an amazing thing, but it happened so easily, so seamlessly that it felt amazing.

All weekend has been like this, he's put in new lights, hung some hooks, vacuumed the fireplace and garage...all things that needed to be done, and I wanted done. Things we'd talked about in weeks before & then he just did them. And we were a family. We did family things. I've got a rotten cough/cold thing and he let me sleep in, but then I was able to participate in the rest of the day because of that.

It was just so amazing to feel that groove with him. My back has been such a force in what we can and can't do for so long it's crazy. This was the first time in a months (maybe years) when we just were...and it was so nice.

I realized (once again) how lucky I am to have someone who understands me and (in spite of that understanding still) loves me. Loves me enough to pick up where I leave off, without anyone having to say anything. I am the luckiest girl alive.

Better, but with Coughing!

I know I said I'd be back & then... ::crickets chirping:: I am doing better, and because of it, I'm doing WAY more. After doing WAY more, I'm then too tired to do anything else, like blog.

The good news is that I'm currently living at the beach (don't I sound glamorous? I'll set you strait on that one in my next post.) BigSpeak is participating in one of the Jr. Guards programs and LittleSpeak & I are hanging with her every day. Can I tell you something? Dude, my 7YO, she's a total badass! I know you aren't supposed to describe your kid that way, but you should see all the stuff they're doing on the beach, in the sand & the FREEZING ocean!!! And, you know, no big deal. OMG! Such a big deal! I wish I could do half the stuff they're doing. Theoretically, of course, I have no desire to shag my fat arce into a red bathing suit and run into the FREEZING water.

DaddySpeak is still working (Rat Bastards won't let him cruz for the summer! I mean it's not like anyone is getting anything done this month anyway, right?) So he joins us on the weekends. Yeah, you heard that right, that means I'm playing the roll of the single parent during the week. And I'm pulling it off! Amazing, I know. I wouldn't have believed it possible a month ago. Something clicked the week before we moved here & I'm much better (knocking on wood LOUDLY!) Currently dealing w/mostly muscle spasms. They're awful & no fun, but spasms I can work through. Nerve pain, not so much. Hopefully, we have passed this hump & will not be seeing it again. (I have PAID my dues on this one, no?)

So, I suddenly seem all set to go to BlogHer10, no? NO. ::sigh:: Sadly, I have contracted this awful cough thing that Little has had since before school got out. Doctor didn't think it was whooping cough when I took her in. He did give us antibiotics which seems to reign it in, but not get rid of it. Big has it too, though not nearly like I do. I am up at this ungodly hour, because I couldn't. stop. coughing. I decided yesterday that I did not want to spend the conference sick. Or passing this on to everyone at the conference. While you would be home to read all the blogging I was doing, you probably would not be happy with me, and would be unfollowing me. So, I sent out an invoice this morning to sell my conference pass.

I still can't seem to really get ahead, but I am making progress. Guess that's all I can hope for right now.

HERE!

I know I disappeared for a month. It's the first time since I started this blog that I've really taken a break. I've gone a whole month without posting. I needed a break, I still do, but the best I could manage was to quit trying to do so much. So my blog posting dropped off. Tweeting was about what I could manage, and did, with much vigor. I'm not gone. I just needed some time to regroup. (I'm not sure I really did, but it sounds good, right?) SV Moms has disbanded, which also contributed to my absence, (no one was poking me to get my posts in.) I have two cents I plan to give about that, but right now, I just wanted to let you know that I'm still here. I do know you come check to see if I've posted anything, and I've had several things I plan to write mulling around in my head. Hopefully, I'll have something more later this week, next week for sure.

In the meantime:

1. Things are (tentatively) better with my back (I cringe to write that for fear of jinxing it.)
2. I'm on the fence about going to BlogHer10. Decision will be made in next day or two.
3. The girls and I have spent a full week at the beach house for Big's Jr. Guard program. We were back this weekend & are playing with colds/allergies?, I decided we all needed a mental health day. We head back over the hill tonight, for two weeks.
4. The beach has been cold & foggy. Highs have been in the 60's at best. This is not contributing to a positive outlook on my part.
5. I'm fat & depressed about it. (On an up note, my back is finally giving me some room to move & do something about it.)

Ok, more this week, I promise!!!

Pain of a Different Sort

I think this whole journey is starting to get to me. Today was hard. Really hard. It's the first day of summer vacation & I was either super bitchy or on the verge of tears all day. This is all from emotional & mental issues. The physical pain is there, it always is, but the emotional pain was the worst it's been so far.

The girls sat on the couch this afternoon going over all the things they want to do with me, but haven't been able to because of my back problem. None of it was anything radical, it was things like riding bikes & running together. I would've cried if DaddySpeak hadn't rescued me from the conversation. I explained to the girls that I feel the same way, that's why I'm going through all of this; doctors appointments, physical therapy, epidural shots... but they don't understand any of that. They only understand that mommy says, "no" a lot about things. Things that all their friends' mom's can do. Things their mommy ought to be able to do.

I believe I'm in the middle of a trifecta of chemical imbalances (in my brain,) at the same time. You may think I'm off the deep end with this one, but once I tell you why, I may seem more sane than before. A few weeks ago, I realized that the neurontin, was fogging up my brain to a fault. I couldn't remember anything specific about conversations. Even conversations that had occurred less than a few minutes before hand. I was starting to get concerned about what I might be doing, while say, driving and not be remembering it. Realizing how bad it was getting I decided to pull myself off. The doctor and I had discussed how to do this when I first started the drug, so I followed his instructions from before. Guess what else it was doing? The neurontin was helping with my pain. I know, because of how much of it was back once I was completely off the drug. It was that, or I just couldn't remember how much I'd been hurting.

In the meantime, my other doctor wanted to schedule another epidural shot. After the last one, I did have some reservations. We had a discussion about where my pain had been & where it was now. We determined that I'd had about a 20% reduction in pain, which seemed about right. "Would I be willing to go through that for another 20%?" Well duh! If I thought I really was going to get another 20%, but that much is unlikely. It did seem to be helping some, and I'm at a loss for what else to do. The skin problems were resolving themselves, (with some help from the spa in Vegas,) so I signed up for one more round.

Also you may remember, I mentioned I had a visitor at this same time? Aunt Flo is not friend of mine, and has not improved my situation. The night before my epidural shot (Tues) I had a discussion with a friend about our shared perimenopausal symptoms. Long story short, her doctor had recommended birth control pills to help with the symptoms. I had my annual OB/GYN appointment (because an epidural shot isn't enough for me in one week) scheduled for the day after my epidural shot, (Thurs) so I brought it up to my doctor then. She agreed and put me on birth control pills. I started those on Friday night.

Do you see where this is going? Me neither. Oh yeah! My point, (yes, I did have one) is that in the last week:

• I've finished weening myself off a drug that was affecting my memory (neurontin)
  
• I've had an epidural shot (steroids)
• I've had a visit from Aunt Flo (hormones)
• I've started birth control pills (more hormones)

I'm not sure my emotional reaction to the girls was entirely because of what they were saying. I do feel awful about all the things there were bringing up. It was the first time they've done that to me, (probably won't be the last) but I do think there's some things going on chemically in my brain that really gave my emotions a big boost. Since they were negative emotions, it wasn't good. All day I felt awful, like I had a wet blanket weighing me down. Not only did my back hurt, but I felt queasy, achy, clammy... As the day progressed it worse, not better.

Saturday night the girls were sleeping over at my parents so we could go to a co-workers party. I begged off. Luckily, my husband knew I wasn't really feeling up to it. I think he was afraid I wanted him to stay home and babysit me. What I wanted & needed was some alone time. He took the girls to my parents house & went to the party. He sent me texts a couple times to make sure I was still okay, (and probably be sure I wasn't pulling a mind game on him). I had the opportunity to wallow in my pity party. I decided to have a drink, instead of a pain pill & things seemed to chill a bit for me. I watch some mindless TV on Hulu. It was pretty much what I seemed to need. Of course, I'm feeling a ton of guilt now; over not keeping the girls home, not going to the party with him, etc... because I don't give myself any slack.

This morning, Sunday, I was able to sleep in. We had NOTHING planned today, and I needed that. I'm much better. I've still got the black blob of unhappy in the back of my head, but it's not winning today. I'm not sure what to do, and maybe that's my problem. I'm at a crossroad of sorts, the stuff I'm doing for my back isn't working but I'm not sure what to do. Today I refused to take a pain pill till I really couldn't stand it anymore. (My personal protest against my body, I guess.) I also did two loads of laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, etc...stuff that isn't great for me, so 1:30 is pretty damn good, I think.
I'm hoping the big black blob of emotional pain was a "perfect storm" (drugs, steroids, hormones,) that won't show up again, but I'm seriously not sure. And upon reading this, I have to say, I'm playing this down a bit. The reason I started writing this is because I think I need help, but I'm not really sure what/how to do it. I've asked doctors time and again for a referral to a (mental) therapist and every time I get a "look in your insurance book" at best. I've had bad therapists, I don't want to make this situation worse. I get plenty of bad advice for free already. This bout I had yesterday, I had feelings that were...I wouldn't call them suicidal, I don't want to kill myself, and I wouldn't, but in a respect I feel like it wasn't entirely me. And they were really, really black. I don't know exactly how to describe it. It scared me. But like I said, I think it was the "perfect storm". I don't anticipate that happening again.

Fat Clothes

Had to buy new clothes today. This is the down side of the weather finally improving; summer clothes. It's been humid here too, so there's no getting around it, I needed some shorts & tank tops. I've been making due w/sweats & sweat shorts (I wear to PT) up till now. When my MIL visited she washed the shorts that do fit & has misfiled (put away in the wrong person's dresser) my 2 pairs of my (current) favorite shorts. Since I only have 2 other pairs (both white) I'm at a loss. Today at Target I found several pairs of shorts & some tank tops (that aren't clingy) & brought them home. I want to cry. I'm not going to tell you the sizes, but it's the largest I've ever been in my life. I'm so frustrated. I knew my general size, so when I was there I grabbed the size & bought them, figuring I could return anything that didn't fit. A couple of the tops fit, but I know they'll shrink w/washing, so they're going back. One pair of shorts & a skirt fit cute. One pair of shorts had pleats. PLEATS! What the hell people??? No one over size 2 should wear pleats. Good Lord! Really, I didn't accomplish much. I need to go do some more. We're going to Hawaii in a couple weeks, so I need to have some clothes to wear. I want to cry.

I started low carb & was really good...for TWO days. Then that went to hell. Turns out Aunt Flo was coming to visit & hasn't been in a while, so that was part of the problem. I'm getting back on that horse tomorrow instead of running behind it.
Going to try & power through walking two 15 min stretches a day. Will take pain pills to make this (the 2nd one) happen. I read a post tonight about someone I follow who has lost a bunch of weight. She put her before & after pix on the post (I think it's private, so I'm not linking to it for now). Her current weight is my current weight, but she's been running & working out so she looks GREAT! I realize that my real issue is that I'm not moving enough. Yeah, I'm in pain when I do, but I'm in pain when I don't, so really, what's the difference. I seem to do my best when I when on vacation & moving a lot. I believe it has mostly to do w/not driving, but I'm thinking that if I can get myself into better shape, it certainly won't hurt my back situation. I can't say I'm not doing it to lose weight, but the truth is really that I'm doing it to feel better. Losing weight will be an added benefit, which will make me feel MUCH better.

So here it goes. Starting tomorrow. Walk in morning & in afternoon. Put it in writing, so now I'm committed. You're gonna keep me honest people!

First World Problems

I can't seem to catch a break here people.
I don't know who I pissed off in my former life, but it must've been something good. I certainly hope I had fun doing it. And really, if that's the case, shouldn't I get to remember it? Who do I talk to about this?
Anywho, I digress (surprise!). Since, I last posted, 4 days ago, my pain had still not returned. A whole week! Woot! Yeah, don't get too excited, there are some reasons for that. Like, I wasn't moving much at all in the last four days. That fatigue thing I mentioned? Turned out it was the beginning of a virus. I don't miss a beat, I tell ya. Just to keep it interesting LittleSpeak got in the act too. Sunday night both her and I started running fevers. Let me tell ya, big fun to feel like crap, but have to take care of a kid who feels just as bad, if not worse? That's a level of fun that few get to experience.
On Monday, she was running 102 (ear thermometer, so probably 103) and I couldn't get it below 100 until 2:00 in the afternoon. I would've been more worried about it, but since I was running a fever (100, I avg 96, so that's pretty high for me) I wasn't really coherent enough to realize how it should be upsetting me. All she wanted to do was lay on me, which, I mean how does a mom say no to that. So we laid on the couch. I had the stream of Nick Jr. going, but after a while she just wanted to sleep. We laid there & sweated. Want to sit on my couch now? My virus, (Oh no, we can't have the same thing, we need to have something different so we can pass them back and forth.) included a post nasal/sore throat thing. Little's virus included a stomach bug. She never did get sick enough to throw up, but I know she wished she would on more than one occasion.
Tuesday, she was improving. Her fever was coming & going, she actually felt like eating a little and was happy to commandeer the TV. In other words, she wouldn't sleep. I was, of course, not that improved. I think it was rude for her to get better faster, considering I needed to nap and mope some more. Kids are like that though. Last night, I was running a fever when I went to bed, it's like a hot flash, but contagious.
Wednesday, I actually got dressed! I walked BigSpeak to school and took Little to gymnastics (Damn strait I took her! I need to wear that kid out!) My Mother In Law (MIL) was showing up today for a long weekend. It's Big's birthday weekend, so she thought she'd come to see us. My husband however, seemed to forget his mother was coming to visit and left the house in much of a state. My MIL comes to stay often enough that I'm sure she's seen the house in worse shape, but I prefer not to have the chores waiting for her when she arrives. (She's not good at leaving things alone.) I quickly scrambled to at least get the sheets on her bed changed. Check! And then to get the dishes out of the sink, which required unloading the dishwasher. Don't worry, I didn't get that far. The sheet changing was apparently "over the top" as once I got downstairs I felt my back spasm and familiar pains started down my right leg. I wanted to cry. I'd gone a whole week, more or less, without a pain pill! Granted, I spent a good part of that week lying down sick, but lying down has not been indicative of less pain, so I really thought the shots were helping. To have it potentially undone on the first thing I did is very disheartening.

I took pain pills, and laid on the couch as much as I could to try an help get it under control. I'm not dying or anything, but I'm pretty sure I'm not "off the pain pills" as I'd hoped. I'm not 100% for sure and Big's birthday party extravaganza is this weekend. Twenty 7 year old girls, glitter makeovers, fashion/dance show extravaganza! God help us all. I was feeling better when I signed up for this, I need to remember to stop doing that.

Yeah, I have a bit of a pity party going on these days. It’s frustrating at best. Part of me feels guilty when I get like this. No one is dying, or losing a limb. I have resources & support to deal with this never ending problem. I don't get to feel sorry for myself, there are so many people who have it so much worse. Upon thinking about it, I realized I need to allow myself some of this frustration without the guilt. What I have is a first world problem. No I'm not losing my home or dying, but that doesn't mean I don't have a sucky situation. Just because I don’t have the worst issue of everyone doesn’t diminish the suckatude.
I'm hoping that allowing myself to wallow a little in my suckatude (I love this word and will be using it often now) perhaps it will get some perspective and not last so long.

And maybe I'll catch a break one of these days.

Not Just Ruining Professional Baseball Careers

Had my last (3rd) epidural shot on Wednesday. That was 3 days ago. Honestly, I don't really seem to have any back pain now. The nerve pain is gone. Yup, you read that correctly. But before you start planning the party, you should know a few things.

1. I've been down this road before. From what I remember, I actually had a faster response to these shots last time, but they didn't last. In other words, I felt better, but I didn't heal. I'm reserving judgment this time.
   
2. I'm feeling better, and have more energy, but I'm tired. Like fatigued tired. My guess is that there hasn't been a ramp up to this new energy level. I have energy because it was all be routed to deal with pain. The pain was all the eff'ing time, so that's a lot of energy being put toward something. That does NOT mean I have energy to go run laps, it just means I don't have to sit down after each & every thing I do.
   
3. I have energy, but not strength. I want to do things, but I need to remember not to do them just yet. To pace myself. I should NOT be doing things that involve lots of bending over and/or lifting. Even though I feel like it's "probably fine." It actually probably isn't fine. Emptying the bottom of the dishwasher is one of the things I should avoid. Picking up laundry baskets also fall under this guise. Sounds like things that should be easy to avoid, but you might be surprised at how much they come up. I have lots of practice with avoiding these activities. This new found energy finds me awake staring at the sink of dishes because the dishwasher needs to be unloaded. Or the laundry basket that needs to be picked up. The call of those things can be surprisingly strong.
   

I have a whole new world of exciting symptoms I get to deal with now as well! Beside shrinking my testicles...or wait...I didn't have any testicles, maybe that's why they're so small now. ;-) I have the added bonus of a major break out, read: acne. Skin that is thin, dry & won't heal. Or won't heal very quickly. I'm scared to get a pedicure, and the thin, dry skin thing has made my heals a thing to be avoided, implying a pedicure is eminent. But I fear the beauty salon because of the healing thing and infection. My understanding is that steroids surpress your immune system, so I'm afraid of getting something serious (think MERSA, paranoid much?) and not having it heal. The skin on my face is a mess due to an acne break out & ingrown hair (chin hairs that have taken on new proportions, thank you testosterone increase,) that is out of this world. I assume these have stepped it up as a result of the steroids. I'm bloated, my face is rounder. So now, not just fat, but round faced, w/big ugly scabs & sores. Bet you're dying to see a picture now, aren't you? Fat chance.

I also have been dealing w/a very "fuzzy brain." I can't seem to remember things, or remember then clearly. That's not like me at all. Ironic, my brain was clearer when I was on the pain medication, than it is off. Go figure. My Twitter Dr. (who blows Dr. Google out of the water,) tells me that's more of an issue related to chronic pain, so maybe not from steroids, just from everything else. Not really a surprise. It's probably not new, I'm just trying to do and keep track of more, so I'm noticing it more is my guess.

I'm doing my best to keep some perspective on all of this. I am better, these things will pass & hopefully I will stay better, right? RIGHT?

An Afterthought

I'm not sure what to make of all of this. I wasn't going to write about it. There are some things you self censor about, and relationship issues with DaddySpeak are generally things I treat as off limits, unless/until resolved. Even then, there's usually a bigger issue that I'm talking about and the "resolved relationship issue" is a side story. But there's a trend going on here and I'm not sure what to make of it. Maybe you can help me make some sense of it. Sometimes, you're too close to the subject to see it clearly, forest for the trees and all.

In the last month DaddySpeak has regularly "let me down"about some (what I consider) fairly major stuff. He's had issues with scheduling for all three of my epidurals. Someone has to drive me home from the appointment. I also, should have someone around that day, just in case. He made it to the first one, though he had to call in sick, because he requested the next week off. I could tell from his reaction that some how this was my fault. It wasn't, not only did we talk about it over the phone, but there were texts involved. It was short notice, but he was involved in the decision. I wasn't too concerned, other than the response that implied it was my fault. I was frustrated, but you know, it happens.

The second epidural was also my fault because, I "didn't email the dates and therefore they don't exist if they haven't been sent in email." Yes, that's a quote. Again with the attitude that there is fault implied and how dare I expect him to take time off for this, again.

After that, I emailed the last date of the epidural to him. He swears I told him May 5. Maybe I did. I'm taking pain, nerve dulling & mild anti-anxiety drugs. I'm in a fair amount of pain consistently. The pain dictates my attention span more than I'd like to admit. It is likely that I will make some mistakes here and there. I would think I would've remembered noting May 5 (Cinco do Mayo) but maybe not. Anyway, on May 4th when it came up that the shot was not the next day, but the next week, I was told he could NOT take me on May 12 because he rescheduled a meeting that day based on being out on May 5. Um, OK. I don't know how important this meeting really was, maybe it was that important, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit my feelings were hurt. I worked it out with my parents to watch the girls AND take me to my appointment. I would deal with being home alone after the appointment. I've been fine the other two times, I suppose I'll be fine this time as well.

May 4th was also the date of my first physical therapy appointment since I started the epidural shots. The appointment involved mostly massage, and a little exercise. It didn't seem like much, but I was definitely feeling the affects of it by that night. I did not sleep well (i.e.--at all, more or less) that night from the pain. In the morning, when DaddySpeak was getting ready for work, I noted that he had already planned to take the time off. Since I was exhausted and hurting, perhaps he could stay home as planned. I was told no. He had things to do at work that day. This was the same day that after calling in the late morning to ask that he come home soon because I was NOT improving, Little jumped on my stomach. At that point, I called and TOLD him to come home NOW. I was seriously hurt and pissed.

So, my medical related needs are not the priority I feel like they ought to be with my husband. I can't say he hasn't been here for me in a big way on a day-to-day basis, because he has. And this has been going on forever. (In our FOURTH YEAR.) I get that. But like I said, I'd be lying if I didn't say my feelings were hurt.

On Mother's Day I don't think I had high hopes for much. But I did have a few small expectations. My expectations; sleeping in, a Starbucks mocha (preferable in bed, but not required) & breakfast (also preferably in bed, but not required). My mom's birthday fell on Mother's day this year, and as with all years we celebrated her b-day on Mom's day. This ends up meaning that once out of our house mom's day is pretty much over & it's my mom's b-day. It has always been this way, for me so I never gave it much thought, until I had kids of my own. I was going to host her b-day at our house this year, but because of my back issues my mom insisted she wanted it at her house. (I think she was secretly please, gave her something to fret over before hand and she could control the whole day to her satisfaction.) I think my hopes for mom's day for myself were small, but not small enough I guess. Little got up at dark o'clock. OK, I can't complain to much. She now sleeps in till SEVEN AM. No, it's not 10, but it's not 5:30 anymore either. She came in our room for snuggles. She wants to lay on MY side of the bed. (To get into stuff on my bedside table.) I convinced her to hit the middle of the bed, hoping she'd snuggle w/Daddy, and maybe I could go back to sleep. He tickles her till she gets annoyed and moves back to the edge of my side. Then he rolled over and WENT BACK TO SLEEP. Little will last, maybe, 30 min and then wants to get up for breakfast. I KNOW he was still awake when she started in to do this, but he feigned sleep. I GOT UP at 7:30 AM on Mother's day & made the kids breakfast. It wasn't anything fancy (toaster waffles). It's more about the point of it. This is like the one day of the year I ought to get to sleep in, right? Daddy got up at 11. Yeah, he totally slept in. When he got up he was all, "You let me sleep in till 11?" I just looked at him. I'm sure he did fall back asleep, but I KNOW he was awake when I got up with the girls. He then told me he'd be right back. He ran out and got me a mocha & an orchid. I guess, I should be grateful for the coffee & plant. It just felt so half-assed at that point, I was having trouble finding my graditude. Then I had to remind the girls it was mother's day & they had gifts they made for me at school. (It would have been nice if someone else had waited 10 minutes to get on the computer and reminded them for me. Maybe I'm getting into bitchy territory here, but I don't think it's much to ask for. I'm asking for some consideration.) Thank goodness for the schools or nothing would've happened for me. Because it was my mom's b-day, I then got to go to the grocery store 2x for the desert I was making. In the process, I saved DaddySpeak's butt, but reminding him to call him mom with the girls. (I did it for her, not for him.) Once at my mom's house, the guys all sit and watch TV, which means the women pick up, put together, feed the kids, and clean up. My dad did BBQ the meat, and do the dishes. But the dishes thing, was mostly because my SIL and I were in full protest by that time and refused to do them. I believe my SIL and I (and actually my BFF, which is another story) all should get a do-over on Mother's Day.

Today, I had my last epidural. This is the one he couldn't miss work because of a meeting. When leaving for work I noted to DaddySpeak that he would need to pick up the girls after work. That's when he sort of remembered I was having the shot. He never called today to see how I was, in fact, tonight he had been home for about 4 hours before he inquired. When he picked up the girls he said he was going to grab sometime to eat on the way home. I assumed he'd call when he figured out what they were getting to see what I wanted. He didn't. The girls came running up to see me and told me they had a surprise for me. They got me dessert. He "forgot to see if I wanted something." Obviously, I wasn't completely forgotten, dessert was procured. I wouldn't really think much of it all alone. The accumulation of these events is what's bugging me.

I get it, he's distracted. There's some stuff (position changes, people above him, not him,) going on at work, but he says it's fine. I don't know what to think anymore. I do know what I feel.
I feel like I matter very little right now.

Too Good To Be True - No Really

If I'd written this last night, I would've told you that I'd been pain-free (basically) since Thursday night. I had a Physical Therapy appointment that night and took a pain pill before it (precautionary) and that I hadn't needed a pain pill since then.

That's right, I didn't NEED a pain pill for 3 strait days. Crazy, huh?

But I didn't write last night, I went to bed. (Which is totally where I should be now, so this is going to be short.) Last night I did start to have pain, but nothing a little Advil couldn't handle. The muscles in my back were letting me know they weren't happy and spasms that tend to stay in my lower back area were traveling. I had a good one going under my right shoulder blade. But, like I said, nothing I couldn't handle. This morning I woke up and the spasms had increased. My back's way of early warning I guess. I took my Advil and got the girls off to school. I'd been planning in my head all the things I'd like to tackle around the house. Not having pain increases one's energy level exponentially. But, because I've burned myself in this respect before (meaning I have a tendency to overdo, I know who would've thunk it?) I'd been playing it safe. Laying low, feeling better, but waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak. I got home and decided to sit on the couch for a few minutes. Driving in the car did not improve the way I was feeling. After about ten minutes I finally admitted to myself the nerve pain was back. I realized I was trying to talk myself out of taking a pain pill. Gawd! Sometimes I'm a moron! It's not a contest. I don't win a prize for not taking my pain pills when I need to, and it's nerve pain, I need to! It's not something that's going to be massaged out or something.

I took a pill and laid down. I ended up having to play catch up on the pain, and honestly I haven't really caught up yet. I had a physical therapy appointment this afternoon. He spent most of it working on massage. I'm pretty spasmed out. It wasn't a massage that felt better, it woke up a lot of unhappy muscles. I did do some grocery shopping and such after my appointment, but that was all I had in me.

So, I was feeling better! Yeah! But now I'm feeling bad again! Boo!
I have my last epidural shot tomorrow morning (Wednesday) . Hoping that I have some big positive response to it. I believe this weekend was a result of the last one, so I'm hopeful. I suppose that's something, isn't it.

Mommy Abuse

I'm here! Barely.
I had my first Physical Therapy appointment since starting the epidural shots and I'm rough around the edges from it. That was on Tuesday (It's Thursday night.) Tuesday night I was actually having quite a bit of pain. Not nerve pain (down my leg) though, more muscle spasm pain. It's good news. Signs of good things I suppose. But it makes for a grumpy mommy. It also affects how well I sleep. Tuesday night was "not very well." When I don't sleep well it really affects my pain level.
On Wednesday, I was obviously trying to take it easy. LittleSpeak was NOT so much into taking it easy. She started by wetting the bed at 4 AM. This is only the second time she's every wet the bed. There's not a good time to do it, but her timing did suck. I got things situated and then got DaddySpeak to actually change the linens. Then, BigSpeak decided to get up at 5:30 that morning. OOOOK. My kids are trying to kill me. Since Little was already in a mood she started with throwing tantrums for everything. And I do mean everything. She wasn't even waiting for me to say no, if I just didn't immediately say "yes" then she was on the floor whining and screaming. Lovely start to the day, no? She had her first timeout at 7:45AM. The day progressed more or less like that until we got Big from school. I was letting them watch a TV show to wind down when we hit bottom. Because I was exhausted and in pain, I was laying flat on the couch and had Little sitting on my hip. (Keeps me aware of anything she's getting into.) She got off for a second to get a book or something and, all the sudden,
JUMPED. ON. TO. MY. STOMACH.
She knocked the wind out of me. Remember, I have to brace my back to sneeze or cough and she hit me full force in my midsection without warning. When my voice came back I told her, "Get off of me!" It wasn't loud. I was still getting my breath back. But it was stern. And it scared her. She became a complete puddle. When I was able to get myself into a sitting position I gave her hug & comforted her. She told me I scared her. And I told her she hurt me. And she did. I fear, and it feels like, she undid the last 3 weeks of healing. Yes, I'm sure I'm being melodramatic. I'm sure it's not that bad. But right now, I'm a mess.
I called Daddy & told him to, "come home NOW." I told him what happened and explained that I wasn't sure what my back was doing, but it wasn't good and I'm pretty sure it's not improving in the near future. Once he got home I took pain pills and laid down in our bed. And was not able to get comfortable. Last night I think I got 2-3 hours of sleep. I was up and down all night. The pain is bad. I get into a position that it tolerable, but it doesn't last. I couldn't stay in any position for more than 30 minutes. More like 10-15 most of the night. It was a very, very long night. Luckily both girls had school today. I was surprisingly mobile after those 2 hours. My movement is good, so that's a good sign. I went back to bed and slept until Big came home from school. I took a shower in the afternoon which seemed to help a bit. Tonight I went back to physical therapy. My PT worked on making things move, and very minimal exercise.
I am tender to the touch EVERYWHERE in my back. It's reacting. But like I said, my movement is good. I'm hopeful about sleep tonight. I think it I can get to a point when it's not so tender I can get some rest. If I can get some rest, and keep this amount of movement, I might be on the upswing. If my kids stop beating on me. And actually let me sleep.
Who do call for mommy abuse or neglect? (The Spa?)

Not The Way I Wanted to Spend My Evening

Spent the evening in ER.
Yup, you read that right.

Big cracked her head on a neighbor's driveway this afternoon. Nothing earth shattering, but apparently skull shattering. I'm kidding, and no I don't have a day job to quit. It wasn't a bad fall, we played it down when it happened. That should have been our first clue, because we ALWAYS think it's no big deal when it actually is a big deal. A few hours later she was throwing up and I was on the phone with the advice nurse. Now, before you get all, why were you on the phone, and not in the ER, you should know that the stomach flu has been making it's rounds through our neighborhood this week. The kids we were playing with today, in fact, had the bug earlier in the week. AND, Big has had a rotten cold for that last couple of days. It's been all nasal, and it could even be allergies, but I've been holding my breath to see if the stomach bug has made it our way. My point is that she hasn't been 100%. When she bumped her head, (she fell off the back of a kid's battery powered ATV,) she cried, we put an ice pack on it, and then she played some more with her friends. It was clear that she wasn't into playing anymore and it was that time of the afternoon anyway, so we came home. She asked if they could watch a TV show, so I put one on while we started dinner. She complained about it being hard to watch the TV. But DaddySpeak thought she was being melodramatic because of questions we'd asked about her sight after the fall. We figured she knew that it was more serious if it was hard to see, and therefore, would garner more attention. She finished her show, but didn't want to watch anything else. She'd been complaining of a headache, but wasn't specific about where it hurt. She was also complaining about a sore throat. Then she bolted for the bathroom. I wasn't convinced it was related to the fall, but I was going to error on the side of caution. I was on the phone with the advice nurse as round 2 started. At this point, she was also acting like she might have chills, didn't want to be touched, was hot, was cold, was nauseous, etc... Also, all symptoms of a stomach bug. The advice nurse sent us to ER. While waiting in the ER she started acting sleepy, not exactly despondent, but not really wanting to respond to anything, (she wanted to be left alone). She just wanted to lie down. They took us in back & let her do that. She started to doze, and I watched her carefully. (I might have put my hand on her stomach a few times to be sure she was breathing.) I still thought it might be the flu. She wasn't running a fever, in fact, she was low, 96, but if you're fighting a bug, everything she was doing was exactly what you want to do in that situation. They woke her and gave her some medication for nausea and wow! how do I get me some of that next time my kid is sick? Within about 5 minutes of taking it she was a different person. Her eyes were clear (they'd been glassy,) her color was better and she was yakking away and acting like herself. I was feeling pretty certain this was a case of the flu with bad timing, but they were doing a CT to be sure. CT was clear, (obviously, or I wouldn't be writing this right now). And, we were set to go home.

Doctor came in to confirm paperwork (I know, the doctor did it, weird, huh?) and just give us an update about the next couple days. He told us there was no bleeding around her brain, so "good news". I said, "so she's got the stomach bug that's going around?"
Him: "No! She's got an upper respiratory infection, but no stomach bug. She was absolutely sick from her head injury. She took a good hit."
And then I threw up.
OK, not really, but the seriousiness of it sort of started to sink in right then.

Really, the seriousness of it hit when I saw my baby laying on the CT table. She suddenly was so small and vulnerable. If I go the rest of my life without seeing one of my children on a CT table it will be too soon.

They want us to take it easy on foods; clear liquids tonight, BRAT in the AM to build up, just in case nausea returns. Want her to stay home from school tomorrow, but otherwise she's fine. I told her we'd have a lazy girls day round the house tomorrow and she got all excited.
If I'm feeling up to it maybe we'll go do something like a movie, or tea for lunch or a pedicure.

Somehow, a lazy girls day feels a bit more special than it did yesterday.

Four

Four years ago today, my baby was born. No matter how old she gets, she'll always be my baby. I think she knows that too. She's my snuggler, but lately she's been taking that to a new level, even for her. This week she's been wanting to curl up on the couch on me & snuggle up to watch a show or read a book. I think the realization of not being the "little kid" so much any more is starting to hit her. For the first time, I think she's realizing that being the little kid isn't always a bad thing, and maybe she wants to hold on to it just a little bit longer.

It's ironic really, Little has been in a hurry to get big since birth. There is nothing more that she wants than to keep up with her sister. In every picture I have of Little, as a baby she is looking at her sister, without fail. While five is the big milestone in which many good things happen, four is a door opener for sure in her book. She's so pleased with finally not being three anymore, you can almost see a sense of relief on her face over it. And, so now she considers herself a "big kid" and while still checking in with me, all. the. time. about how "babies can't do this thing I'm doing right now, right mama?" Her highest priority on her party day was to make sure her sister wasn't left out. We went to a Pump It Up (easiest party I have EVER done BTW!) and the whole time she was keeping tabs on her sister. She would go off and run around with her friends, but would be sure to check to see where her sister was and touch base with her. When it came time for birthday cake, she happily took her place on the "throne" to blow out her candles, but she wanted to "sit by sissy" to eat that cake. We had to scoot kids around to accommodate her. When it was time to open presents, she made sure we knew that she wanted her sister to have a crown like hers, not a problem in our house, and that she wanted "Big to open some of her presents for her, so she wouldn't feel left out." Big, the caregiver that she is, was happy to dote on her sister and provide her every wish. In the end, I don't think Big opened any gifts, but read each and every card to her sister, who hung on her every word. Now, Big wants to write the thank you cards for Little, "because sissy can't write yet." The lovefest that is going on here is almost too much. Later this week, I want to write about the girl that Little has started to become. How three was hard, as expected. How she, and we have all grown this last year, and how excited I am for four for her. But for tonight, I want to relish the memory of the last couple days. When my two girls want nothing more than to make each other happy and are doing just that.

Kicking My Butt

If most people (my village,) saw what I was just doing, I would get my butt kicked. I bet one of them would seriously consider hurting me, if someone didn't kick it. A few minutes ago you could find me on my hands and knees with a kitchen scraper & cleaning wipe, working on cleaning the grooves in our kitchen floor. I'm sure it was a stellar choice for my back. I wouldn't really know, because it was already hurting and I just "went for it" ignoring the fact that I was in pain. I know what a bad idea it is, I get it. I really do. It's just so frustrating where I'm at right now. The floor was gross, it needed to be cleaned, I had the products to do so on me, so I cleaned it. But I'm gonna regret it in about 2 minutes. I know that too.

I am doing better. Really. I'm still in a LOT of pain. ALL. THE. TIME. But, you know what? That's not new. Since the shot, there's a baseline to my pain that has improved. So, yes, I'm in pain all the time, still. But NOT AS MUCH pain, all the time. My energy level is through the roof. I should qualify that. Normally, I do something and then I have to lie or sit down for an hour. (Get the kids off to school, lay on couch for an hour.) Now, I can get the kids off to school, stop at Starbucks for coffee, start a load of laundry and maybe even make a phone call before I have to lie down. You might think those things are no big deal, but trust me, moving the laundry load can be daunting when you're exhausted and in pain.

It's called babysteps people, and boy do I know about them. Because of this new found "energy" I'm tending to overdo. I have the energy to plan, yet not to execute. Before the shot, I didn't even have the energy to plan. It's progress, but it's progress that puts me on my ass & frustrates the hell out of me. But it's something, right? And it's all I've got for right now.

Like Labor, But Without The Pesky Baby At The End

Saw my third orthopedic doctor now. Personally, providing the reason for universal health care here.
I've seen this doctor before, Dr. K administered my epidural shots during the last go round with my back. It was a good visit, surprisingly long. I say that because I was there for an hour and a half, but didn't realize it till I looked at my phone on my way out. I guess that's good. Means I got a lot of good information. Dr. K thinks I have both disc material and scar tissue giving me issues. He's covering all the bases. (Dr. H (first dr.) thinks it's disc, Dr. R (2nd dr.) thinks scar tissue.) He was disappointed that my MRI wasn't done with contrast. If it had been, we would be able to see, for sure, what was scar tissue and what was disc material. So now I'm disappointed it wasn't done with contrast too. As far as my current status, the path I'm on would be the same. If this next step, an epidural shot, isn't effective, then it would be good to know for certain what is going on in there. He explained some of my options if it's scar tissue. I learned that there are some things I can do, beside surgery, if it is scar tissue. That was nice to know, all I've heard from the other doctors is surgery. Gotta be honest, not too keen on surgery again. Wasn't exactly effective for me the first go round. Not really interested in going through all that again, for nothing. I'm crazy like that though. For now, all three orthopedic doctors agree that I should be getting an epidural shot at this point. I suppose that should be reassuring, three of them agreeing on something. At this point, I'm more or less, Whatever, insert eyeroll, about it all. Dr. K did tell me if this doesn't work for me he'll order an MRI with contrast. He also has me scheduled for a nerve test for my right leg again. He's concerned about my lack of reflex in my right foot. (It's been like that since the original injury.) If nothing else, he's thorough.

Then Dr. K goes, "So you want to do it Wednesday?"
Me, "This Wednesday?"
Dr. K, "Sure. Or next. Whenever you're ready."

He went to go check on another patient and told me he'd be right back. And I fell out of my chair. I was kind of freaked out over having it done in two days. I'll be out of commission for a day or two. It's outpatient surgery. Yeah, it's outpatient, but it's still surgery. I looked at my calendar, at first I was thinking this week wasn't good because of the girls being on Spring Break. Then I realized, that was probably better. No one would need to schlep them to school, soccer, gymnastics, art, etc.... I wouldn't be worrying about schedules being kept strait and such. My parents had told me they'd take them for the day, so I could truly get some rest. Little doesn't handle this stuff well, she'll come in my room and want to snuggle or whatever. She's making sure her mama is still going to be there for her. In the process, she tends to get me to do things, like lift her, that are big No, Nos.
I called DaddySpeak (he'll need to be there for a day or two to make sure I'm OK.) He said he'd take of the days either week, but he thought I should do it sooner than later.

Me: "Next weekend is my Aunt & Uncle's (90th) birthday party on Saturday and Little's party is on Sunday. I don't really have to do anything for either, and should be fine for both, but there is a lot going on that weekend. But this Friday is the princess birthday party Big is invited to and I really want to be able to go take pictures at it."

DS: "I'll go take pictures at the party." (I swear I could hear his eyes rolling in his head.)

Me: "It's not the same. But I should be fine." (I know he was thinking he'll kick my butt if I'm not fine, but go eff myself up to 'get the shot'. He's totally right, I would do that, but I promise I won't.)

So on Wednesday, I'm having an epidural. Wish me luck!