This...

Saw my rheumatologist this week.  It was disappointing in that he doesn't seem open to alternative medicine; acupuncture. I didn't bring up chiropractic with him. I'm torn on this, I'm not having good success w/acupuncture, but I know people who do, so I was hoping he'd have insight or referrals. Also, his response was so overwhelming negative it made me wonder if he's the best fit for me.  I want to be able to get meds to help when I need them; pain pills. But I don't want someone who just wants to throw pills at it & call it good either. So after he got done ripping apart that, he did decided to change up the prescriptions I am taking. So far, I'm not real happy about this. My sleep has been pretty sketchy lately anyway, this was enough to throw it completely off kilter. Below is what was supposed to be a text to my mom this morning. It got too long, so now it's an email & blog post. I know it rambles, that's what its like to be in my head right now.
Note: 3AM is the time I was up past last night. I've been averaging 2 AM pretty regularly this last week.
_______________

3AM.  & I was wired. 

I'm calling my dr. & telling him I'm backing off of the decrease in both drugs. I'm decreasing the P & changing over, but I'm not messing w/the E at the same time. 

I feel like I'm on adrenalin (not my energy level, more like my awake level,) & any second it's going wear off & I'm going to crash. My pain level is on it too. Not just my back, my neck & ankle feel worse than that, this morning. It's like they're amped up.  Actually, it would be more accurate to describe it like, I have crashed, & I'm in that space where you can see it, but you're waiting to see where you'll feel it. 

I know it's something w/the drugs, bc my inner voice (not the nice one,) has turned itself up. And it turns out it has a crazy evil twin. I'm not hearing voices, (now i do sound crazy,) it's more like those thoughts you have; doubting/worrying yourself, well they've amped up too. I'm feeling anxiety I guess. Not in the sense of a panic, more in the sense of non-rational thoughts slipping in here & there. I don't want to detail them, or you will think I'm crazy. I think them & then immediately wonder where the heck THAT came from. I know they're not rational, so that makes me not crazy. (Right?)

I need help w/the mundane. I'm not getting it all done & I'm stressed about it. I hate asking for help bc I'm not the only one w/issues, but I am on the cusp of that overwhelmed anxiety feeling. I hate this. So maybe I'm having panicky anxiety, I just can't see the forest for the trees or something. (& now I feel like this is rambling & all over the place. Probably bc it is) 

I'm going to try & sleep now, maybe my thoughts will be less rambling after a few more hours.

Happy New Year!!! Whatever that's about...

Yup, as my post title implies I'm my usual chipper self.  Read on, I know you've been waiting to hear from me w/baited breath.... ;-)

I'm checking in to say, I'm going to try & blog more this year.  Yeah, I do know that isn't saying much.  But I have a "plan" so that means it might actually work out.  I'm trying, is what I want you to know. 

I know, for a lot of people, 2012 was hard.  Because of what happened in 2012, 2013 is going to continue to be hard for a lot of them.  There was a lot of loss this year.  It seemed to really hit home at the end of the year, but I know, I remember, it wasn't just one thing that made 2012 seem hard for so many people. There was plenty of misery to go around.  There always is, if you think about it.  That being said, for me, in many ways, 2012 was a really good year:
 In January, I got back  up on skis for the first time in 5 years.  I started doing yoga on a regular basis. (I believe those things are related, and not in that order.)  I had The Summer of  No Pain.* (That should be said in the rock concert announcer's voice, echo and all.)  And right here, I was about to start to including some of my kids' victories. But, I realize that those belong to them, and I don't want to become someone who is living vicariously through my kids. (At least not too much.)  I have my own battles, and I want my own wins & my own losses.  It would be foolish to think that their losses, (& gains,) don't impact me, bc they obviously do.  So rather than catalog their wins as if they were my own, let's just say that many things, related to my kids lives, that were stressing me out, went away. (Don't worry, there are still plenty for me to worry about still.) And I stopped holding my breath.  It seemed like maybe, just maybe, we had started to find a new normal; one that I could live with.  So just when I started to plan & volunteer, (September, October...) when I started to think, "Maybe we could have people over again, like we used to do."  My Fibro came roaring back w/a vengeance.    So, yeah, I've spend most of this first week of the holidays on a couch or a bed.  I've been on pain pills a lot, just to get out of bed.  Not to go anywhere, just to be able to literally take off PJs, put on sweats & walk down the stairs.  There have been several days, where getting down the stairs was the big event of my day.  I'm hopeful, that the start of a new year, will bring back that normal was starting to enjoy.  That my rheumatologist is correct, and this is "just a flare," which means it will, at some point, no longer be this bad. (BTW, he was "amazed at how well I was doing," when I saw him a month or so, ago.  I went into him, bc I was NOT doing amazing, but compared to the last time he'd seen me, he was in awe.  Sometimes, it's hard to see the forest for the trees, blah, blah, blah...)

I think I lost track of the blogging, bc I wanted to focus on living, not chronicling.  And, truth be told, that's how it should be, right?  Live a life worth chronicling.  BUT, (you knew there was one, there always is w/me,) when I write, I let go of a lot of the bad.  There's a little voice inside of me that says, "Maybe, just maybe, the reason the Fibro came back the way it did, was bc I stopped focusing on me.  I started focusing on everything outside of me; my kids, my husband, my house.... Maybe, focusing on me was the key to getting better."  I think, in the middle of my planning & volunteering, I lost sight of me.  I'm hopeful, that if I can focus on me again, it'll get better more quickly.  So, I'm back.  Yes, dear reader, (all 10 of you, {yes I do know that number is much higher, I can see your stats remember. ;-)}) I'm totally here for your entertainment value.  But, I'm also very much here for me.  Maybe that's the right reason & while, I'll be more consistent this time.


*Let's be real here, I had, literally one day this summer, when I woke up without any pain, anywhere. When I write that, I focus on the fact that there was a point in time, in which, nothing hurt.  I'm sure you focus on the one day. It took me about 10 mins to realize what was different, but I knew immediately something was different.  Other than that one day, I have had pain every single day this year.  It's a drag & it sucks, I agree.  But I'm not alone. There are certainly worse things.  You may have one of those things I consider to be worse, I don't want to offend, so I'm not going to mention them.  My point is, I had tolerable pain during that summer.  "Livable pain." Pain, with which, I could still function like a relatively normal person.  What does that mean?  It means, I could hang out w/my kids all day at Disneyland & not be too exhausted to eat dinner.  It means, I didn't have to take any pain pills to get through my day.  (OTC stuff doesn't count.  I'm talking prescription stuff.  But FTR, I'm pretty sure there wasn't any OTC stuff either.)  I'm at the point w/my Fibro, that I would be thrilled if that could be my new normal.  You can take that how you want, I realized I will continue to want more, regardless of what my body is doing.  I won't ever stop looking for ways to have less/no pain.  But I could be happy w/that level of pain/discomfort. I wouldn't stop working for something more, that's human nature, but I could live with the way things were this summer.

My Little Hexagon

You must laugh when you see that I've posted.  Knowing, there will be an onslaught of excuses related to my absence.  And, while they're good ones, they are still, just excuses.  We're on the very end of summer vacation.  I'll do my best to be short in bringing you up to date.

Big's issues have been in a holding pattern.  I'm not sure she was completely truthful about no longer pulling out her eyebrow/lashes, at the beginning.  But they do seem to be growing back nicely now.  She's had the opportunity to have several play dates with friends this summer.  I think that's helped a lot.  We had a few nights last week, in which it was just her and I.  The first night we went to dinner, sushi, her choice.  And dessert, gelato.  It was nice for both of us to just hang out and be mellow.  I know she loved that the whole night was about her.  I told her she could invite a friend to sleep over the next night.  They jumped on the trampoline w/the sprinklers on them, put together a craft, (related to horses, of course) and then made pizzas for dinner.  I told them as long as they kept it to a low hum they could stay up as late as they wanted, (11-ish).  It was way more relaxing than I can relate.  She is still seeing therapist.  Just this week, her therapist indicated that maybe she didn't need to come every week, "she's doing so well."  I asked to keep things, "as is," at least until October.  There is so much that can change once school starts.  I really, really hope at least one of the friends we've been seeing all summer is in her class.  (Say a little prayer for us both, ok?)

I guess Little is also in a holding pattern.  Summer has been hard.  Her friend base was messed up by the end of last year. (Long story.) She has been dying for her turn at play dates and sleep overs, but her friends just haven't been as available.  Daddy and I are doing our best to create lots of "special Little time."  My fingers are crossed for her this school year too.  I really, really hope there is a girl in her class this year that she can really bond with.  Someone, who is sweet, isn't a bully or a mean girl, and doesn't idolize her older sister when she comes over to play.  (I know, it's a tall order.)  As far as Little's "learning issues" go.  It's hard to say.  The distraction thing is huge for her.  We read and do homework every day.  If there's no real distractions, she's great.  I feel really confident about her doing well this year.  BUT, if there are distractions? Forget it.  Her ability to ignore, is so poor.  I just don't see how she can learn anything in a classroom with other kids in it.  I'm so worried about her. 

On top of everything else, Daddy went out of town last week.  Her ability to hold it together was awful.  It was all those stories about her "spirited personality" rolled up together and put on steroids.  I swear I have PTSD from it.  I think Daddy thought I was going to drop them off at home, (from the airport,) and keep driving.  I can't say it didn't cross my mind.  I'm sure it was because Daddy was away, and school is about to start.  She's overwhelmed and doesn't know how to burn it off constructively.  In the meantime, we all suffer with her.

I'm not really doing all that well.  I have a laundry list of things I'm unhappy about, but what it comes down to is, that  I'm really afraid I'm not doing right by either of my kids.  Most especially Little.  I feel like there's more than just the sensory thing going on there.  Last week, she would get so mad and frustrated.  At one point, she started to swing to him me.  She realized what she was doing & turned herself so she hit the couch instead of me.  But when she starts having impulse control issues, it makes me think there's more going on.  I'm at a loss of what to do to help her.  If I am doing the right things to help her, it sure doesn't feel like it.  I'm overwhelmed with worry and emotion and I feel like I have no where to vent.  She's not bad enough to qualify for state help, but not good enough so that she keeps up on her own.  She's not a square peg or a round hole.  She's a hexagon in a rectangle world.  :-( 

Update on the Update

 This was written in April.  I considered re-writing it to a more timely post (where we are now,) but I figured between this and the post before it, you get a pretty good idea of where we all are right now.  Summer vacation has changed things up a bit.  And while, life in general seems to be calmer, I suspect we won't know if any of the things we're doing to help our girls is working until a few weeks after school starts.  If there are helping, I suspect there will be a new set of issues to keep us on our toes.  The silver lining, I guess, is that you, lucky reader, have tons of blog fodder just waiting to be written, so you can read it.  So, um, yeah.   

Short story long, we had Little tested.  She has some speech issues, most of which are something that would normally be addressed until later.  (IOW, she has be older to be considered "delayed" in those areas.)  But the big thing they found was that Little is a single processor.  (Means she can't really multi-task.  Doesn't mean she won't be able to, but right now she really needs to be able to focus on one thing at a time.)  She was also diagnosed with sensory defensiveness disorder.  This isn't really news to us.  We've said all along she has some sensory thing.  It's why she wants a dozen blankets on her at night, even when it's 105 outside.  It's why she used to completely lose her shit over wearing a seat-belt.  It's why she isn't a fan of cold things; even ice cream.  And why she feels pants and shoes, and most especially socks should always be optional, if required at all ever.  The combination of her sensory defensiveness & being a single processor is a large part of why she seems to be struggling at school.  She is easily distracted.  If anything at all commands her attention, then everything else is ignored.  There are some other issues; things that she can do, but isn't doing correctly.  She has acquired incredible coping mechanisms; and manages to use other muscle groups when the ones normally used aren't up to the task.  So, she is having to learn how to hold her pencil in a different way.  A part of her sensory defensiveness is that her sense of touch is messed up.  Some of her speech issues are because she doesn't feel her tongue the way most of us do.  So she can't make the 'R' sound because she doesn't feel if her tongue is in the right place.  The sense of touch thing also works the opposite way; she may not think something hurts the way you and I might.  BUT, if something does get her attention; say a hangnail, she becomes almost obsessive over it.  That's the single processing thing at work.  If it's irritating her, she can't just ignore it like you or I.  Additionally, she has trouble "resetting" herself.  When you get ready to do something different, your brain switches over to a new mode to accommodate the new activity.  This is especially true is you are going from something physical to something more mundane, or visa versa.  Little seems to have issues with self-regulation.  She needs to be "reset."  How a child "resets" or "organizes" themselves for a new activity has a lot to do w/the way in which your child learns best.  Different types of learners would include; visual, audio, etc...  Little is dependent on her proprioceptive system for learning.  She needs her muscles to "grease the wheels," so to speak, in order for her to retain and repeat things she's learned.  A classroom setting, isn't the best place for kids like her.  She's the type of kid, who you could shout out a list of items to while she's running & she can repeat them back to you.  Give her the same list while she's sitting on the floor or at a desk & not so much.   How does one fix this?  I don't know if you really fix it, so much as you try to find acceptable ways to help her reset/organize in a classroom setting.  We have been working with a sensory diet; lots of gum chewing. And have been utilizing "brushing."  I do think they both are helping, but they aren't completely resolving her issues.  We're at a place now, where she is "holding it together at school," but when she gets home, she completely loses her shit.  This part has been hard.  For several months, Little has attended school w/the early &  late birds; thus having a 4 hour day, instead of a 3 hour one.  At home, we've been working our butts off to help her; repetition, games, songs, etc... And she seems to be caught up now.  Her teacher suggested that after Spring Break, she should go back to a 3 hour day.  The problem is, she's not having issues at school, but she is having them at home.  I suspect after a month or so, of these 3 hour days, she will start to show signs of her problems again.  The mental part of this, is exhausting for her.  She wants so badly to "be & do good," she focuses all of her energy on it while at school.  (This is no small deal considering the kids in her class. That's a blog post in itself.)  When she gets home, she's shot.  She still has homework to do, so at some point, she acts out because she's overwhelmed & exhausted.  Yeah, it's been a bit rough.

Back in the Saddle

So I've been MIA for about a month here.  I actually wrote most of post about the stuff going on w/Little that I'm going to post here after this, but I wanted to address why I haven't posted.  At the end of the school year, Little's teacher & I got into it.  She felt that a question I asked her (via email,) was implying that I didn't approve of her way of teaching & choices in the classroom.  While, I don't think it was a big secret that I was disappointed about several things that were not done in Little's classroom, I did not ever complain to anyone outside of the classroom itself.  I had heard through the school grapevine, that Little's teacher & another one, had several complaints to the principal this year.  I suspect, she thought I was leading the witch hunt.  But, whatever, she sent me a severely snotty email, when I was asking if she she needed additional support on a subject.  Since I had just talked Little off the meltdown ledge for the second time that afternoon, her timing sucked.  I was freaking out about my kid being ready for next year and getting what she needed from the school.  I had offered to help, but instead saying, "no thank you," I was greeted w/accusations.  Her teacher made it into something about herself, when it always has been about my kid.

There was a meeting w/the the principal that ensued, and I'm sure I've somehow been labeled as "one of those moms," but eff them, I'm trying to make sure my kid is getting what she needs to be successful, and as I was seeing it, they were not doing that.  I was asked to step down as a room parent, (yes seriously,) and while I did write apology to the teacher explaining my state of mine at the time of my response, she never actually spoke or acknowledged me again.  (High school, much?)  I suspect that she was told not to by the administration.  But I'd be lying if I didn't admit it pissed me off that I worked my ass off for her all year and didn't even get a mention in the EOY thank you for help email. (After that, I decided that she could kiss my arce.  In my book, that was a total bitch maneuver.)

So the last couple of weeks were a bit more stressful than usual. (Ya think?)  And one day, last week of school I noticed that Big has no eyelashes.  My mom pointed out later that day that she has bald spots in her eyebrows.  At first, I thought they'd fallen out on their own.  I made the mistake of asking Dr. Google about that one.  After I got down w/my panic attack, I asked her if she's pulled them out herself or if they'd fallen out.  Turns out she'd done it.  It's called Trichotillomania and while some people who do it, do it absentmindedly, she goes into the bathroom and has been quite purposeful about it.  It's a compulsion, like nail biting or cutting.  And I'm terrified for her.  There have been a few recent episode of related to self-esteem issues that popped up at this time as well.  My guess is that she's picked up on the vibe of all the crap that was going down w/me and Little at the EOY & her anxiety came out this way.  I've talked w/her about it a few times, I don't want her to  know how scared I am for her.  When we've talked about it, I usually ask her a question about  it.  We'll talk about that part of it; like if you continue to do it, as some point they won't grow back.  And leave it at that.  I've asked her to come tell me when she feels like she needs to do it, and that I'll help her to try and find another way to address it.  And she's seeing a therapist now too.  Things seem to be going well on that front.  I suspect, she likes the fact that she she has something special that needs attention as well. I also think we won't really know how well things are going with her until school starts again. On Mondays, mom's carpool consists of taking Big to her appointment, then taking Little to her Occupational (OT) & Speech Therapy, (ST).  Then going back to get Big and driving back to get Little.  Yeah, it's a little hectic.
In all cases, neither of my kids is "bad enough" to qualify for help from the state.  So we are doing this all though private therapy groups.  As time moves on more and more, these groups won't deal directly w/the insurance companies.  We do have good insurance, 80-90% of this should be covered, but we have to pay upfront & submit the bills to be reimbursed.  (Good luck w/that.)  First round was kicked back bc they thought we had additional coverage from another company.  That has never been the case, so I can't imagine why they would think that.  That being said, we are outputting an additional $4K a month in doctors bills.  Yeah.  I try to keep a cushion in our bank account, but we actually almost bounced a couple payments this month.  So money is suddenly tight.
I realize that in the scope of things that couple be wrong w/my kids and our ability to deal deal with them, we are very lucky.  However, it the midst of all of this, it can be hard to be grateful.  I'm trying.  Someone needs to let my kids know that there is only one crisis allow at a time. I've been feeling very overwhelmed with all of this.  In my head, it was somehow less real if I didn't put it into words.  Last week, I was updating Big's therapist about some things via email & realized how cathartic it is for me to write it down.  As overwhelming, as it is to talk about it, it's  worse if I don't.  So now you're back up to speed more of less.  And hopefully, I'll be writing much more again.  I've missed you interwebs.  ;-)

Say What?...

 I wrote the following in the beginning of November.  I wanted to have a little more information about what was happening before I posted this.  Thing was, life happened; the holidays, etc... And this topic snowballed on us.  I'm finally coming up for air.  I debated about discussing this at all.  It's not my topic to discuss, really.  But, so much of my life has been consumed by this, if I intend to keep blogging I need to talk about it.  So, I'm going to post this now, so you can catch up to why my attendance on the interwebs has been so spotty.  I also think you should know, I'm sharing this from my perspective. My daughter's issues are not unique or earth shattering, but they have consumed us to a large degree these last several months.  I'm walking a fine line, trying to find our new "normal." Hang w/me & be patient, I can sure use the support...

-----------------------------------------

You might remember that LittleSpeak, (Little,) started kindergarten this year.  Or you may have been living under a rock.  ;-)  She's very pleased that she's finally at the same school as her sister.  While she's still somewhat annoyed that she doesn't get to have lunch or recess with the big kids, it's a start.  I also think she likes having a couple hours of mommy to herself every day still too.   Now, back in my day, kindergarten was more about learning social skills, art, music and your letters.  (Yeah, I'm old, I get it.)  At some point in the last 35 years, or so, kindergarten has become really focused on reading.  Yeah, there are kids who haven't had a bit of pre-school and don't know their alphabet, but by March they are ALL reading.  BigSpeak's class included.
I've previously mentioned that several members of my family has had learning disabilities, myself included.  Some were/are quite obvious; I can't spell phonetically, because I can't hear the difference between certain sounds.  I do have an impressive memory, which is how I managed this little problem.  Every word I know how to spell is from memory.  Spell check would've made my life much easier, but I was born w/the dinosaurs, so yeah that.  I had a few other issues, but that's the one that still plagues me.  Some of the issues other family members have dealt with were not as obvious, but could quite easily delay your ability to move forward in school.  Those of us who have been affected, have developed coping mechanisms and/or have gotten help.  With that in mind, there have been a few clues that Little may have an "issue" or two in this area.  We were actually going to have her tested last year, but decided to wait till after the holidays and then the thing that was making me wonder, (blended sounds, or her lack of ability with them, at all,)  seemed like it might be resolving itself.  We decided to wait and see if just being in kindergarten would work things out.  If you know Little, she is not going to do anything unless she decides to do it.  She wasn't all that inclined to write her letters or really be read to before this school year, but I knew when her kindergarten teacher told her she needed to do it, she would.  (She has loved to "read" for a long time, but she wants to do it herself.  So will sit in her bed "reading" or looking at the pictures.  There's merit to this type of reading too.)

A few weeks ago, Little told me she went w/Mrs. S, (teacher's aide,) and the reading group that day.  She was very pleased that she had been picked to go.  I know from Big's last several years that Mrs. S is the aide who comes into the class and works with kids who are having trouble keeping up, specifically in reading.   I was a bit surprised when Little told me, and thought maybe Mrs. S works w/other groups of children as well.  I asked Little who else was in her group and the names she gave me were the kids who were behind in reading skills. And suddenly, red lights were flashing in my brain.  Uh, oh.  The next morning at drop-off, Little's teacher mentioned that she had not gotten to tell me that she'd sent Little w/the reading group, I told her Little had mentioned it and I would send her an email.  "We need to talk." I covered the family history and previous concerns we've had w/Little & mentioned that I realize she won't even qualify to be tested at the school.  (Your kid has to have some pretty major issues for the school to instigate the testing.)  But that we also know that if there are problems the sooner we address them the better.  Little's teacher immediately called me back & asked for a conference before school the next day.  (Now, I had red lights & sirens going off in my head.)...

The conference detailed that Little supposedly only knew 4 letters/sounds, (not true, she has 5 letters in her name, and I know she knows them.) She didn't know her sight words, (also news to me, she seems to know them at home).  She was having a really hard time staying focused, not just because she was busy paying attention to everyone else; but also when they were sitting on the floor discussing things on the board.  She would "tune-out." (That doesn't sound like Little AT ALL.)  I shared our family history and more details of issues for which we were concerned.  (Speech related stuff.) "She's too articulate and social to qualify to even be tested by the school."  Yeah, that's the crock of shite I was handed.  So we had her tested privately.  I'll detail that part of the adventure next.

I'm A Slut, How About You?

I know I've been MIA for a month.  That's because I'm getting better, but as I add things I can do to my list I find exhaustion in the evenings.  Not even enough energy to eat dinner some nights.  It's a good problem, I agree.  I'll detail more in the near future, but for now, THIS, (see below,) is high enough on my list that I feel the need to write the following.

 If you don't agree, lucky us we live in a country that allows us to agree to disagree.  But I live in a world where I tell my kids that bullying is not to be tolerated.  So, I'm tired of telling my kid one thing and In Real Life (IRL,) it's totally not the way things are.  I read this article today and I totally agree w/the author; we need to the get out the slut vote.

I'm thinking it's time to embrace our "slutiness." I think we need to make shirts hats & pins that say, " I'm a Slut!" in small letters below, "I support womens' reproductive rights!" I want see these on EVERYONE! Men, women, girls , boys, babies, grandparents, etc... I think it's time to show the ultra-conservatives that we aren't about to be bullied, and our numbers are many. We are the silent majority. But we're sick of their crap.  We're silent because we're busy living our lives; carting around our kids to soccer practice and dance lessons.  We're helping our kids w/their science projects and trying to find out if these organic strawberries are locally farmed.  And we're not popping out babies every other year, or maybe we are, but it's a choice we have, because modern  medicine has evened the playing field for us.  We can plan or families or NOT.  We have CHOICES!  This is because we live in a great country, one that I was brought up to believe takes care of it's own and helps those that are less fortunate.  The nature of politics has become, "We disagree, so I'm right, you're wrong and now I'm going to make it personal, to draw attention away from your arguments,"  Tell you what, I'll stay out of your Viagra conversations Rush, if you stay out of my birth control rights.  It's none of your damn business if I decide to have 2 kids or 12.  And it's none of my business if you have issues that require you to go to the bathroom 12 times a night or need to take something to "finish the job."  Because we're adults and adults respect each others' space.  Being adults, also means we don't call names or try and shame each other into one another person's ideals.  As adults, we're supposed to be respectful and debate on subjects of which we might disagree.  Maybe you missed that day at school, Rush.  I hate the idea that you're getting press time over this, but if the end result is that your voice is pulled from the airwaves, then I'll shout it from the mountain tops!  So back off, Rush.  Us sluts? Quite a few of us are mom's, and there's a lot of us.  You do NOT want us to pull the Mama Bear on you.  There's a reason it's Mama Bear & not Daddy. 

ART & INSPIRATION

My current new addiction online is Pintrest.  If you haven't been there, and you have a life, you may not want to visit.  It's a huge time suck!  Because it's totally made of AWESOME!   A friend described it as a "glossy magazine, but on the internet."  I think that's fairly accurate.  I've acquired some great ideas that I've actually used.  It's mostly kids related stuff, that I've executed on;  holiday food treats.  These have been great because they're super easy & get a lot of bang for not much buck. There's quite a few jokes floating around about all the pinning that gets done, but no one actually executes on anything they see.  I'm telling you now, that's not true.
My point is I spend some time on Pintrest, file that little fact away for now.

Also, I'm still very active w/my digital scrap booking.  I even went to what I would call a "users group" in Las Vegas in October. (AKA - SpragueFest) Cranked out my yearly album before Christmas as usual. As you may have guessed, Pintest is a great resource for different ideas, layouts, inspiration.

Still following me?  Good.

Related: Did you know, I collect quotes?  You probably didn't because it's not something you go around telling people.  But I do.  I love fonts & quotes.  LOVE THEM!!   Pintrest has given me a huge medium to find and share new quotes. I have found my tribe of font & quote collectors.   We enable each other on Pintrest!  I recently combined my love of digital graphics with my love for fonts & quotes.  I found an example of  "XX Ways to Stay Creative" in my ongoing search for new quotes.  There are a few versions of this going around, thus the XX instead of a number.  I thought it would be a great thing to have to hang on the wall in the art studio.  So I made my own version in subway sign style.  I let the girls pick the color & printed it at Costco.  (Good prices for poster boards!  And BTW, great quality.  I print all my photos, scrapbook pages, etc... there.)  Then, I posted my finished digital file on Pintrest to share.  As of 1/9/12, it has been repinned almost 50x!  I've included the file below.  (Easier to read then taking a pix of the one hanging in the studio.  Art Studio sounds way cooler than art room, don't you think?)  I love that something I made and love spoke to so many other people.  The ways I put to be creative are, I think, very in-tune w/both my girls personalities.  I'm thrilled that other people were inspired by it enough, that they wanted to save & share it. It makes my heart happy.

Ok, carry on.  

Little side note; Whenever I read it, the part that says, "Collaborate" & "Listen to New Music."  In my brain, it is always sung as the Vanilla Ice song, "Stop! Collaborate & Listen!" (Now, you have the ear worm too.  My work here is done.)

Inspiration (AKA: I Win At Coolest Mom EVER!)

I am not going to vent & bitch today.
Opps!
Should've told you to sit down, sorry. My bad.  Pick yourself off the floor now.

My daughters are both very into art.  You know how kids have a default activity they tend toward when there's nothing else going on?  It's art for my girls.  They have 2 large drawers in my kitchen desk full of art supplies.  They also have 2 full cabinets in my laundry room of art & craft kits. (Also, paint, fabric markers, playdough & everything else they have to have permission to use.)  So Christmas was coming & I was trying to think what to get them from us.  Santa brings them each a "big" gift (scooter for Big, doll car for Little.)  But we usually give them one "big gift" from us.  Last year it was the trampoline.  So, I'm trying to think of what they love & then what we could get them related to that. I immediately went to ART! Of course!  So, what can I get them, besides more crayons & paper?  It dawned on me.  I'm constantly on them to put their stuff away.  The problem is that they out grew the drawers where they keep their supplies, before we even put the stuff away.  I thought how cool would it be, for all of us, if we could give them an art studio!  That would be very cool, but how do you give them a "studio"?  It's not something you go buy at Target, right?

Read on:

Here's the deal; we have a large "living room" in the front of our house.  In the back we've created a "great room" which includes, the kitchen, a dining area & a "family room."  Next to the kitchen & partly behind the living room is a "formal dining room."  We use the dining room as a dining room about 2x a year, maybe.  The rest of the year, the table becomes a place to put things we don't want to put away.  Last year we replaced the window in there & made it into a sliding door.  Now this room has direct access to the part of the yard, where the trampoline sits.  So the kids are constantly going through that room anyway.  When we moved in, we made our living room into a "play room."   The idea being that we won't have their toys where we're hanging out.  But after 5 years, I'm tired of the mess in there and want to turn in back into more of a "family room."  (It would still be their 'playroom,' but a little more adult friendly; Newer furniture. Toys are more hidden.  I'll tell you more about that in another post.) So, if we were to give them the dining room as an art room, they have room to play, store their art stuff & I can clean up a bit more.  Plus we would be actually using the room, instead of just dumping crap in it.  So we sold the dinning room set.  It was my grandmother's.  It made me a little sad to see it go.  I really liked it.  It just didn't go w/the rest of our house and it wasn't getting used.  So I'm glad it's going to get the attention it deserves.

Here's what it looked like as a dinning room. (These are the pix I used for selling it, so there's no stuff on the hutch.

First, we painted: (DaddySpeak painted.  Elfie & I observed.)

See dark green wall being painted blue.

Added new furniture. (Yeah! Ikea!)

Old light fixture in this one.  

And lots of art supplies from the grandparents under the Christmas tree!

Christmas Morning. They like it!

I'm still working on getting the walls set up.  I'm going to get some quotes in vinyl to put on  the walls.  I have square cork boards I'm going to cover w/fabric to hang "masterpieces." But really, I want them to have influence on what we put up.  It should be stuff that inspires them.
Right?
(I know, I totally wish I was my mom too.) ;-)

Happy New...Meh

I know that being a new year & all, I'm supposed to be all reflective & stuff. Meh. I want to set resolutions this year, (which is really a first for me to be honest).  And there's a litany of obvious items I want to resolve to change, but really, I can't be bothered to think that hard about it.  Doesn't say much for how well I would keep said resolutions, does it? 
My real issue, is that I'm not sure exactly what my issue is.  (I'm a freaking one-man philosophy course.)  I want, no need to lose weight.  My current status is beyond embarrassing.  I've basically put on 10 lbs every year for the past four years.  No, that's not exactly how it happened.  Yeah, I (obviously) contributed to it.  (As I shove a doughnut in my pie hole.  No, not really, but hey, did someone say doughnuts???)  But it also happened/started in relation to something that happened TO me, (herniated disc/surgery).  For some reason, I can NOT get past that.  It seems that all my "issues" come down to that problem; "I didn't have fun getting this way.  It's not fair and therefore I shall ignore it and hope it goes away!"  When it doesn't go away, I shall have an adult-style temper-tantrum; and eat my feelings.  (They all taste like chocolate, how lucky for me.)  What might take most people years of therapy to get to, I've managed to boil down in a single paragraph.  Look, at the money I'm saving!  As usual, I can see, hear, touch, and taste the problem, but I don't know how to get to it emotionally.  Therefore, I'm not really sure how to fix it. 
Maybe it's that you don't really "fix" it.  Maybe, just maybe, the answer is that you "fake it till you make it."  You act like whatever it is you want (a size 6 waist,) and eventually you get there be default.  Obviously, if it's my weight, I need to start eating like a supermodel if size 6 really were the goal.  It's not. But you get the idea.
In that vein, (faking it,) here are the things I'd like to change in some manner this year:

Lose weight (diet & exercise)
Pursue something more serious w/my photography (actually get some info on how to do that.)
Be able to do more physically w/my kids (exercise)
Stop feeling like I'm stalled out (I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen, but I don't know what & it makes me feel stymied.)

One thing to note.  Usually, I'm more or less a mess at this point after the holidays.  I did pull back on a LOT this year.  And, as of right now, (even though I don't want to jinx it,) I think it's worth noting, that I'm more or less holding it together.  (knockingonwood)  One thing I do know is that I really, really need to listen to my body.  If it's telling me it's too tired, it's too tired.  I'm not going to get a 2nd wind.  That's just not how it works for someone like me. (Someone w/Fibromyalgia.)  I'm a slow learner, but I'm getting better at listening to my body and heeding the warnings it gives me.  Maybe, THAT is key to all of this & I just need to be patient and see how it all unfolds.

Christmas Chaos (No More?)

 
I'm a big proponent of the less is more philosophy, but was raised in a "more is more" household.  That's not to say I don't appreciate all that I have or was given, because I do.  A couple years ago, I got fed up with all the "expectations" of what we should do and who we need to see and exchange gifts with.  I wasn't alone & luckily, my SIL and I were able to convince my mom to make some changes.  We stopped doing the Christmas day race; open gifts at home, race to g'mas to open more gifts, quickly put away all gifts & clean up bc guests were coming for early dinner, while being yelled at to hurry up.  Screw that.  We now celebrate/open gift w/G'parents a day or two before Christmas.  We nosh on tapas that everyone contributes and can take our time to open & appreciate what we've received.  It's a much better way to go.  Christmas morning is just our immediate family, so we can sit around in our pjs all morning and enjoy our time together.  This year, we even had Christmas Eve "off" as the hosts of the dinner we usually attend have moved a few hours away.  We decided to opt out bc we didn't want the kids to be up too late.  We were thinking we'd drive around to see the Christmas lights at some of the more dedicated homes in our area.  Instead, we had an impromptu dinner w/neighbors.  Turned out to be one of the best Christmas Eve's ever.  Kids all played together, I made mulled wine & we got properly tossed.  Very fun.  My folks even toned down the gifts this year.  They spent the same amount as usual, (I'm sure,) but when w/the focus on quality instead of quantity.  In the past, the kids have gotten "present fatigue."  This year was pretty much right on.  After opening gifts, all the cousins piled into a back bedroom to play.  They played some with their new gifts, but really, they played with each other.  They get it too, the part of this really being about having fun together.

For many years now, we've gone to see the Nutcracker Ballet.  This year, the Girl Scouts took care of that one for me.  We had a tour of the theater; including the back stage, large props (& how they work,) old costumes and practice stage.  Then we had a hour to eat dinner and then all watched the ballet together.  It was a late night, but the girls really loved it, and it was fun to go with our friends as well.

Christmas in the Park is another tradition we try to take part in every year.  Unfortunately, I got sick the week school got out.  My parents took pity on me (or maybe on my girls,) and took them to go see the event one evening.  (It's way more fun at night.) Not only did my kids get to do the Park at night, (like they wanted.) I was free to curl up on the couch with a blanket and not feel bad about feeling bad. 

We added something new this year.  New for my girls, but sort of a revived tradition for myself.  When I was a kid we would head up to Union Square in San Francisco every December to go see the store windows.   It's crowded and parking is lousy and forget it, if the weather isn't cooperating.  This year I was offered tickets to see "The Grinch, The Musical."  I thought the girls might really like it, so I said yes and invited my mom to join us.  The day of, I was kicking myself for getting us involved in it.  I had tons still to do and had no business driving up to The City.  The musical was awesome and my girls LOVED it.  In hindsight, I'm really glad we went.  The weather was perfect, we got their early, and got nearby parking.  We had time to see some of the store windows and each lunch before the performance.  We had ice cream at Macy's after and when we came out, the Christmas tree was lit up.  It really was a fun day.  I believe it's going to be added to the list of traditions that will continue on each year.

Lastly, one of the big traditions my mom has been big on continuing is Christmas baking.  I have the best kitchen set up for all of us to do this together, so it's at my house.  The day before, I mentioned to DaddySpeak that we were baking at our house & to say he was not pleased, might be a bit of an understatement.  He then voiced that his concern was that I'm always a wreak after we're done.  If it were just the baking or just the cleanup, I'd probably be ok, but all of it together does me in.  I realized he was right.  It was silly of me to kill myself for baked goods that will probably mostly get tossed anyway.  I'd already purchased a gingerbread village, so the girls could decorate, because decorating is really what they're most intersted in doing.  So, I decided not to bake.  I think it might not have been something my mom was thrilled about. But you know what?  I was fine.  I helped the girls with decorating their houses.  I helped my  mom & SIL w/their cookies.  And guess what? I was ok that night & the next day.  Totally doing that again.  One of the smartest moves I've made yet.  For the neighbors we usually exchange baked good with; I printed up 5x7s of their kids that I'd taken over the year & wrote in their cards, "Some people bake, I take pictures."  I got personal thank yous from each of them, so I think it was a hit.

I took a lot on, with being the room mom for LittleSpeak's class.  But I did manage to pace myself this year.  The kids still got to do everything they wanted. And I'm not a complete loss now.  In fact, today we all went bike riding, as a family.  Someone remind me to read this in October next year. This has been a great way to end this year.

All I Want For Christmas Is A Full Night's Sleep

So Mir, wrote this post that pretty much encompasses how I'm feeling right now. 

Since beginning of November, (right after our trip to Maui,) I've been feeling overwhelmed.  It's been building and is more or less coming to a head this week.  I'm averaging about 4 hours of sleep a night.  Six day of this, so I'm kinda a mess right now. 

Required Annual Santa Pix
Check!

Usually, I'm more or less done w/my shopping by December First.  This year, I started my list on Monday.  December 5.  Gah!  I'm pretty organized about it, Thank Gawd!  If I wasn't I'd probably be institutionalized by now.  I have spreadsheet of everyone I buy for and add new columns for each year.  It has columns for item purchased, budgeted amount & actual dollars spent. I can see how much we're spending each year and where we can cut back if needed.  But, this year, I'm having trouble w/what to get everyone.  I've sat staring at the list for several nights now.  I'm working on it, and it's getting done, but I'm nervous that it's ALL going to happen before the actual holiday.  I'm pretty sure the gifts that have to be sent are either going to be way over budget (shipping charges,) or be more like New Year's gifts.  Maybe even Lunar New Year, at the pace I"m keeping.  I'm also doing a lot of online ordering bc I can't get away from my kids.  My Fibro isn't great (lack of sleep and cold weather contributing,) so I've managed to go on three shopping trips so far.  (1 a day.)

Part of my problem is that my mom is one of those people who thinks Christmas should be nothing short of a "Norman Rockwell-esk" event.  (It's been drilled into me, and I'm getting over it, but old habits die hard.)  A few years back, us kids rebelled & told my mom to pick a day BEFORE Christmas to celebrate as a family. (She goes nuts w/the amount of gifts they bestow on the kids, so it takes a while to get through them all.)  We were tired of getting up at the butt-crack of dawn to do Santa gifts & rush through our families' opening of gifts on Christmas morning. Just so that we could rush through gifts at her house before all the extraneous relatives showed up.  We were lucky to have a cup of coffee, much less breakfast during those years.  Moving it to an earlier date, has taken some of the heat off, but not all. 

It's also important that we participate in several family traditions.  I'm not taking issue w/these.  For the most part, I want to do this stuff and want my girls to have these experiences.  Mostly, I'm just bitching bc it's my blog and I can, (neener-neener- neener,) and bc this is part of what makes me feel like I'm going to lose my ever-loving mind.  There are three "must-do" Christmas related activites: 1) Christmas in the Park, 2) Nutcracker Ballet and 3) Christmas baking.   This year, BigSpeak's brownie troop took part in a special showing of the Nutcracker, so we got to go to a tour of the back stage, costumes and props departments before the performance.  Had an hour dinner break, and then got to see the actual performance.  (I'm pretty sure, it was their dress rehearsal.)   Kudos to the Girl Scouts for arranging that one for me.  Christmas baking has become my thing in the past few years.  Not because I love to bake, but because I have best kitchen for all of us to work in.  I mentioned to DaddySpeak that the baking event is occurring Saturday, and he rolled his eyes & muttered under his breath.  (I believe that he feels about Christmas the same as what he feels toward Disney.  Told you I married the anti-Christ. I think Christmas would be okay, but it comes right in the middle of college football AND basketball seasons! Yeah, he's not real motivated to participate in anything else.)  I told him the girls had actually been pestering me about doing it.  To which he replied, he was fine with it, but he's not fine w/how I'm always wreaked for days after.  And he's right.  I had already purchased a "gingerbread village" for the girls to put together & decorate.  (All they really care about is the decorating anyway.)  I decided that I'm not going to bake.  I might use some refrigerator dough & cook a few batches, maybe.  I'll helping the girls decorate.  No one cares if I make cookies or not. Except my mom, so I'm not telling her till she gets here.  Not participating in the actual baking would throw off her Rockwell vibe.  The last thing is "Christmas in the Park."  It's really cool and we try to get to it every year, but it is the same every year.  Last year my parents were upset that we weren't taking the girls, so they took them.  I liked that version.  I think they should continue doing that & make it the new tradition.  Personally, I'm not all that into hanging out in the cold.  A few years ago, DaddySpeak and I mapped out the best local decorated houses & take the girls to see them.  We've hit Vasona's Fantasy of Lights, in past years, but it's pretty crowded & it had more cache w/the girls when they were younger.    I think there's something extra cool about seeing a house or entire street all decorated.  Even though we know it's there, there's still something unexpected about it, that makes it seem cooler.

I hadn't written anything, bc I was feeling so overwhelmed.  Maybe getting it all out there will help and I'll start sleeping again. 

Not Quite a Train Wreck & Happy Halloween!

We have a Rainbow Fairy & a Pirate this year.

Last Saturday, was our school's big fundraiser.  We actually only have one, so saying it's "big" is somewhat redundant.  It's a Fall Festival, which includes a costume parade, carnival games, inflatables, food; including a chili cook-off & cake decorating, a haunted house, and silent auction.  I think I missed a few things, but you get the idea.  It's a BIG. FREAKING. DEAL.  Each class puts together a "basket" for the silent auction.  This task is put on the room parent...and now you know where I'm going with this one.  LittleSpeak's class did something fairly low-key; we decorated a tote w/all the kids hand-prints and had each child bring in a new copy of a favorite book.  I put together a list of the books as a 'book-club' recommended reading list, and we included gift-certificates to Barnes & Nobel and Starbucks.  It wasn't a huge deal and I had lots of help, so it seemed mundane.  I, sort of, blew it on the day of HFN.  I volunteered to pass out pre-paid tickets/bracelets from 1-3.  The parade, which kicks off the event, starts at 4.  I thought I was so smart, getting my volunteer hours before the actual event.  I did not, however, consider the fact that I was going to be at the school from 1 in the afternoon.  So, at 3, DaddySpeak, brought the girls over to the school so I could apply "make-up" and finishing touches on their costumes.  Everything went well.  The girls had a blast, the school raised tons of money.  (We personally "won" 3 of the baskets, which means I have more than done my part for the school this year.  AND quite possibly I've finished some of my Christmas shopping.)
By 8 PM though, we were shot.  We walked home, put the girls to bed and collapsed on the couch.  Big was supposed to go to CCD at 8:30, but I couldn't get her to wake up.  I could've forced the issue w/her, but I could see she was in the middle of a dream.  I decided she needed sleep more than religion that morning.  The fact that my whole body felt like it had been run over might have contributed to that decision.  The short version; I overdid it and spent my Sunday in bed.  More details?  I used up most of my spoons for the week.  Sadly, quite a few things like dentist & doctor visits had been pushed to this week bc we were so busy leading up to the event. 
We made our appointments, but lets just say I wasn't winning any beauty contests this week.  Sweats and baseball hats were the wardrobe rule, and anything I could schedule out, (working in classrooms,) walking in the morning, grocery shopping, cooking diner, etc...was put off.  I did not win any domestic medals this week.  I need to remember to pad my week after events like this.  I tend to get burned by this kind of stuff.  You'd think I'd remember, but it's like my brain loses those part of the memories.  We survived.  The house, laundry and food situation could be better.  But honestly, they've been worse, (not that I'm proud of that).

I started to write this post on Wednesday of this week.  It was supposed to be about what a mess I was this week.  And I was, a mess.  But now that I'm at the next weekend, I'm actually able to be more objective about it.  Yeah, no one is putting the merits of my domestic skills in a magazine.  But I got the stuff done, I had to.  I listened to my body and rested when I could.  And I had enough stuff in the freezer and with leftovers that we, (Daddy,) made a decent dinner for all each night.  So instead of being a train wreak, maybe I'm just a car accident?  (KNOCK ON WOOD!) I guess that's progress, right?

Learning to Love

When I read this, I kept thinking about all the crushes kids at this age, (around ages 4-8ish,) have;  lots of boys want to marry their mommy's & girl's their daddy's  (I suspect visa versa too.)  Many, many kids have crushes on their kindergarten teachers.  No one thinks much of these "school kid crushes."  They're considered normal.  This is the way in which a child at this age processes love for the people they know.  I know both my girls claim they are never moving out.  They'll just move their families into our house with us.  They can't even imagine wanted to live away from home for college.  This makes me laugh, because, I suspect, they will be "chomping at the bit" to get out by that time.  And I do hope they're excited when it's their turn.  But they're kids and they can't imagine loving someone any more than they love us right now. As they get older their world gets bigger, and so does their idea of what love is.  My point is, that I totally agree with the author.  She's right, we should imagine as if all of our kids are being targeted by the hateful anti-gay rhetoric.  Even people who "aren't anti-gay" but are against gay-marriage need to stop deluding themselves.  While you might not be a hateful person, the message you send our kids is that they aren't equal.  And that is not okay. 

When the whole prop 8 thing started here in CA, it was interesting to me how many of our neighbors posted pro-prop 8 signs in their yards.  Churches were passing them out at their services.  To me it felt like they were going out of their way to point out their feelings.  So, in turn, several of us made calls & got anti-prop 8 signs for our yards.  Listen, I'm fine with the whole we can agree to disagree thing, but not when it comes to my child's self-esteem.  If it turns out, a child of mine is gay, then I want them to know that I will not tolerate them being treated differently. I will fight for them and their rights always.  I'm their parent and they are my child above all else.  There are no conditions on that.  That's why they call it unconditional love.  At the time of the prop 8 discussion, an older family member indicated that they "weren't anti-gay, but they just didn't think they (the gays,) should be allowed to marry.  They can have civil unions, why do they need marriage?"  I have to admit was I was shocked.  There are several people in our extended families who feel this way, but I was surprised by this person.  This person wanted to "agree to disagree," but I was really having a hard time with leaving it like that.  I finally asked them, "What if one of your grandchildren is gay?  Do you want any of them to be told they are a lesser person because of that?  Do you think it's okay to deny them the right to a marriage? They already legally can be on each others' health care, have children together, purchase a home together, (which is harder than any of those other things,) so why not marriage?"  Initially, the person wanted to drop it, so I let it go, but I made it clear I didn't like it.  The day after the election this person told me that they voted against prop 8.  The idea made them uncomfortable because of what they've been told are their life.  But when I put it in the framework of their own grand kids, whom they love and cherish and truly just want them to be happy, that made them realize they could live with uncomfortable.  Their grand kids deserved more."
Are either of my children gay?  I don't know, neither do they, they're too young to know.  What I do know, is that they are loved no matter what, and I will not tolerate people judging them harshly on that subject.  I know that any "crushes" they have at this age are just a normal part of growing.  It tells me we're doing something right; our children know how to love.

Mean (Little) Girls...and Boys

We're into our 4th week of school, (I think).  Things seem to be going well.  BigSpeak really likes her teacher, as expected.  LittleSpeak is thriving.  And, knock on wood, but I seem to be doing pretty well.  My cocktail of meds seems about right.  I have small set backs; Big was home sick all of last week, and DaddySpeak was out of town for work, but I didn't collapse.  I had to scale back a bit this week to recover, but I seem to be doing well.  I feel like we're finally thriving, instead of just surviving.  It's a nice feeling.  I hope it lasts. 
One thing that's new is the stories Little has been coming home from school with every day.  At first I thought she was embellishing, as she's prone to do.  But as the days pass, and each day I get a similar tale, I'm starting to think maybe most of it is true.  Little's class seems to have an awful lot of chiefs and almost no Indians. Everyday she comes home with a story of how E told K she can't be in their club-du-jour.  Or how D threw his blocks at the teacher when she told him it was time to clean up.  Every day I hear how A told the teacher, he "hates school and the rules." 

What the heck???  Who are these kids???

I'm not sure if it's because this grade has a lot of siblings or if we're just paying more attention, but none of that type of stuff EVER came up in Big's class.  They were what you would expect of five year old boys and girls.  They were mostly sweet and very young.  This group?  These kids are like five going on fifteen.  

Little tells me these stories, pointing out, of course, how she isn't the perpetrator in any of these cases.  I fear, in fact, that she's one of the "good" kids. Which is really kinda scary for her teacher.  We know how strong-willed Little can be, and I think she might not hold a candle to some of these kids.  In fact, she has been a "victim" of the Mean Girls on more than one occasion.  (I've witnessed it going on during Big kid pick up.)  When I saw it happening to her, I wasn't entirely surprised.  The major culprit is a neighbor and Little and her are "hot & cold."  They're either the best of buds, or ready to go to blows.  Honestly, I'm not that crazy about this other girl, but Little seems to hold her own, so I'm going along for now.  The last time I saw the Mean Girl action occurring, I called her over and confirmed what I was seeing.  ("E says I can't be in their club because all their shoes flash and mine don't. It hurts my feelings.")  Little doesn't take it lying down either.  She gets all up in E's face, points her finger and tells her off.  And while her feelings are hurt, she doesn't turn into a puddle AT ALL.  But, anyone's self-esteem is going to take a hit at some point, so last time I saw this and called her over, this was our conversation?

"Ummm, yeah.  Little, first of all, there are NO CLUBS at school.  The only clubs that exist are ones that ANYONE can be in.  If they exclude someone, then that's not fair, or nice and it's a form of bullying.  There is NO Bullying allowed at school." 
"Also, E is not your firend."

Yeah she is mommy. And I want to play pink pony tag." (Or whatever crap they're into that day.)

"No Little, she's not.  A friend doesn't put conditions on being included.  A friend doesn't care if you have flashing shoes, or any shoes for that matter.  A friend, sees you have different shoes, and either points out how it's cool you're different.  Or suggests everyone take of their shoes, and be equal.  When she talks to you like that she's not being your friend.  Tell her you want to play, but not if she's going to be mean.  Then walk away and find someone who is a friend." 


They're FIVE!  It's gonna be a long year is all I'm saying.

Remember...and pay it forward

There's so much emotion for this day.  I feel like the whole world, or at least all of the US, we're holding our breath.  Just hoping to get through this day.  Through the memorials, the reminders of how much time has passed and how much hasn't.  Ten years can feel like a life time and a blink of the eye.  Ten years ago, I was newly married.  I remember at some point during the day, watching the TV, thinking, the year I was married will be remembered for this awful tragedy.  Such a happy time in my life was marred by such blackness.  It was a selfish thought.  So many had lost so much and I was concerned about myself.  At that point, I was allowed that kind of selfishness.  I was young and in love and all I needed to worry about was me.  And that's how it should be at that point in your life.  Watching the attacks on September 11, 2001 changed who I am, and how I approach things.  I lost a large part of innocence.  I know that sounds so cliche, but it's true.  I feel like something in me broke that day.  How could people hate so much, that they would kill others to show that hate?  Not just one or two crazy guys, a whole group of them, willing to carry out such an awful deed.  You could argue, that in someways the people in the buildings were of no consequence to them because they would never see them.  They were the nameless, faceless enemy to them.  But the people on the planes? They sat by them.  There were kids on those planes.  How can you be willing to hurt them?  I still can't wrap my head around it.
When the first tower fell, it was so surreal.  It was like you were waiting for an announcer to break in and say it was a movie, and now that you were hooked in, you had to come see how it ends.  Only it wasn't a movie. It was real.  I remember as that first tower fell thinking, "Oh my God, there are still people in there.  There are emergency personal who ran in to help and they can't be out yet." And everywhere you went that day, the image of those planes, the buildings, where all you saw or heard about.  We went into work that day, but no one did much.  Most people spent the day trying to contact loved ones on the East Coast and watching the footage on the Internet.  I have family in New York, they contacted my parents in relative short order & informed us of who was where and that they were safe.  We were learning of what a mess the communications were there, so much of it was linked to the buildings.  We were grateful to know they were okay and that they were able to tell us so. It would not be that easy for some many others. After several days, I had to stop watching TV and listening to the radio.  I think they call it "catastrophe porn."  It's like you're hooked on the image of the terror.  We've seen it with other situations, where the media play images of tragedy over and over and over again.  In this case, it didn't desensitize, or numb you.  In this case, it just made you feel sad and helpless.
I spiraled into depression after September 11, 2001.  It was the last straw, in my case.  It's really hard for me to see all the footage again.  I'm doing my best to minimize it.  I don't want to feel that sense of helplessness or hopelessness again.  It's hard for me to think about this event without feeling that way.  I have kids now.  I don't have the luxury to wallow in that kind of pain. 
What I do want to remember is how Americans behaved for the next several months.  People were generally nicer to each other.  We stopped cutting each other off in traffic.  We held the door or elevator for each other.  We made eye contact and smiled at each other.  On airplanes, the pilots asked us to greet each other.  We weren't nameless or faceless, perhaps if that had been the case, the terrorists might not have been as inclined to act.  It seemed everyone had a picture of an American flag in their rear car window.  We collectively agreed that life was too short and that we were going to show those who hated us that they were wrong about us.  We're naive about how the rest of the world views us.  We're brought up to believe that everyone is jealous of us and wishes they could be American.  Not true, by a long shot.  But the thing that is true, is that we are strong and we have each others' backs.  The terrorists assumed we were weak and afraid of death, but they were wrong.  The people on Flight 93 showed them that while we don't have a death wish, we will protect our own however we need to.  The emergency personal who ran into those buildings to get people out; showed them, that we will sacrifice if that's what required of us.  Our spirit and resolve is strong.  I can't explain to my kids why those people had so much hatred that they wanted to hurt us so badly.  But I can show them, that most people are generally good.  And when it comes down to it, good always wins. 
I know we're supposed to pause in memory at 8:46 EST.  We'll be asleep here on the West Coast.  But I'm going to try to remember the sense of family we had for months after.  I'm going to let people in, in traffic.  I'll hold the door for them. This week, I'll go donate blood.  Maybe pay for the coffee of the guy behind me at Starbucks.  I'm going to pay it forward tomorrow;  And the next day and the next.  Because the terrorists didn't win 10 years ago.  And they don't win today either.  I hope you'll pay it forward this week too.

10 Years

I'm watching all these upcoming memorials for the 10th anniversary of 9/11. I'm torn about how this makes me feel. This 10th anniversary is going to be hard for me. It's what prompted me to write after not feeling like I needed to for a month or so. So much of writing here is for me, to help me work through things in my mind. Help me see the forest for the trees, so to speak. I've been feeling tired enough, but well enough, not to need the therapy that writing is for me. I'd been able to exercise and sleep w/out needing to write. That's huge for me. I fear that this anniversary may set me back some. I hope not. The time period after 9/11 was a very dark time for me. I didn't lose anyone I knew. But still I felt the pain of the day so deeply. I still do. I'd managed to put it behind a closed door in my mind. Then a week ago, I was walking through a book store, and the display of all the 9/11 books was put up. It stopped me. Left a lump in my throat that hasn't really gone away. Made me realize how easy it was to just open that door and let those feelings overcome me again. I'm one of the lucky ones, if I had lost someone directly, I couldn't put it away like that. I don't know how those people have survived this long.
I just need to get that off my chest. I'm hoping this will be enough. I fear not, but maybe.

Traveling Pants of the Fat-Arce Sisterhood

I'm not sure if I should glad or insulted.

Walked Big to school today and on our way home a neighbor stopped Little and I.

"What pants size do you wear? I have a really good reason for asking."
(What do you say to that?) I told her my size, (which I'm not sharing here, because it upsets me,) and then added, sigh "It's the largest I've ever been in my life."
"I wanted to know, because I thought so. That's the size I was and I've been having a really hard time losing it, hormones, but I've finally gotten to the point where I'm down a size and can't wear these anymore."
She continued, "A friend gave me these pants and they're really good pants. I had a really hard time when I had to dress for stuff, these saved me. I wanted to pass them on to someone else in need. When you're out of them, have lost the weight, (I know you will,) pass them on to someone else who might need them or you can give them to me and I'll pass them along to someone else."

Her intent was in the right place.
Maybe they're magical pants and now the weight will come off.

I'm back trying to tackle my weight and dealing with my Fibro, (FM) at the same time. If you've dealt with chronic pain, you know that taking on other challenges (losing a vice,) is doubly hard, because it's often the thing that gives you some level of comfort. I've had a really hard time wrapping my head around Low-Carb, (LC,) while on Weight Watchers. Problem is, I'll see something I want and know I have enough points and eat it. I seem to forget to deal with the carb issue till it impacts me negatively. At the very least, carbs are contributing to my FM, by making me bloated and uncomfortable. At the worst? They're part of the reason I'm having such bad symptoms. Things got bad enough this weekend where I realized that I would be willing to live on next to nothing if it would assure me a pain-free existence. Once I hit that point, it's not so hard to give up anything.

I just want to feel better.

Hello, I'm still here

Hellloooo!!!

I'm still alive! Things are...well, things mostly just are, that's all. I'm very day-to-day. I overdid Satuday & spent Sunday on pain pills in bed. Last two days have not been stellar; mostly waiting for DaddySpeak to get home so I can take a pain pill. Each day's a bit better than the next, until it's not. In the meantime, we had a softball season; BigSpeak's team came in 2nd overall! The outlaws came for a 2 week visit, during which LittleSpeak turned 5! (Christ-on-a-Cracker! How the heck did that happen???) and Big made her First Communion. This week Big turned 8!!! (I don't understand how these children are so big all the sudden!) (Also, you may have noticed, Big got 12" cut off her hair.) Today, is DaddySpeak & I's 10th anniversary. Woot! No, I don't know why he hasn't gone out for cigarettes, even though he doesn't smoke. I'm extremely thankful and lucky that he hasn't.
I know I haven't written in so long; it's just that I have really bad days and when I have moments (and that's all they are,) of ability to do something (laundry! dishes! my life is overflowing with excitement, no?) I tend to try and do stuff for the kids, instead of something for me. I have this sense that I'm failing my kids, but to date, I've only missed 2 of Big's games. I'm struggling not to let my Fibro be the thing that holds us back. I feel it, but so far I think they don't. They know I'm not well. They know mommy gets really grouchy sometimes (pain related). Overall, I don't think they feel much different about their living situation then their other friends.
So Hi! My doctor feels my meds are the right cocktail at the right times and it's just a matter of 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. It's really slow, but it is moving in a forward direction. Each of those things I mentioned deserved a post of it's own. Maybe they'll be forthcoming in the future (I can re-purpose scrapbook pages for those events. ;-) I'm nothing if not resourceful!
I think I'm at the top of this hill (knock on wood,) or at least, close to it. I'm hoping that I'm about to be on the downward slope soon.

And then I stepped in it....

I haven't really had the energy to write about my doctor's appointment, mostly because there really isn't anything new to report. I'll tell you more when there's more to tell. Basically, it went well, let's just leave it at that. So onto what that title is about...

My kids are on Spring Break this week. That's, at least part of, why, I haven't had the extra energy to write. Especially considering there really wasn't anything to write. Been doing my best to keep them busy and out of trouble. Simultaneously, trying not to overdo it. Blah, blah, blah...the usual blather I've been putting out lately.

Before I tell you what happened, I guess I need to provide a small amount of backstory here;

My brother's family is moving out of Silicon Valley. (Don't even get me started on my mom's reaction to this, to say she's not happy would be an understatement. She has trouble with change.) It's not my story to tell, so the long and short of it is this; they decided before things got any tighter, (budget-cuts,) they wanted to get into a smaller house payment. (No, they weren't having money problems! They just saw what was happening with public workers and did the long term math. They are being pro-active. I'm not making any kind of declaration about their financial situation; they are fine. They just want to stay that way.) They did some research and found an area they could better afford, with decent schools and from which they could still commute. That's the basics of it. They put their house on the market and it sold in like a week. Right now, most homes here are taking about 2 months to sell. They weren't entirely ready to move; read; kids are still in school. In the interim, they are living with my parents. It's temporary, and it was planned out. But it's obviously not the norm for my family. So that's your back story. My brother's family has recently moved in with my parents.

I think I mentioned a time or two before, that my mom and I have our issues. That many times those issues seem to be more about what she'd like to say to my brother or Sister-In-Law (SIL,) but instead says to me.

As I'm writing this, I do realize that I'm now probably putting my other foot into it as well. At least, if my mom were to read this, I'm putting my other foot in it. She insists she does not, so I guess I'll know for sure soon enough. But, I've mentioned before, this is my blog, for me, so that I might vent and not entirely lose my mind or eat my young.

With my brother's family in her house, I hear everything is hunky-dory, but I suspect everyone is trying very hard to be nice and, perhaps, walking on eggshells a bit. I don't know that, like I said, everyone seems to be in agreement that all is good. What I do know is that my mom has ratcheted up her comments to me as of late. I haven't really been tracking this or anything, but my guess is that it started around the time they started getting the house ready for them to move in. I could just be sensitive, certainly wouldn't have been the first time that happened, but that's my guess. It may also be because, when you come right down to it, my mom doesn't really accept that I have Fibromyalgia, (FM). She would deny that. I think she wants to believe, but the reality is that she just doesn't, and her actions speak very loudly to that. Since my FM has recently really turned itself up, her uncomfortableness with it, might also be the reason her comments have been surfacing more often. Who knows, maybe it's because Venus is in her moon phase. My point is, and I do have one, regardless of the reason, I feel, that my mom has started in on me again as of late.

Example: a few days ago, my mom watched the girls while I went to the doctor. In the middle of small talk, she asks me if the Christmas stuff was still on the dining room table,
(I have 1-2 boxes I'm working on getting completely put away. It's how things work when you have something like FM. You do what you can, when you can, and you try not to stress about the rest. No, my poor children haven't been deprived of other holidays. We have decorated for other holidays, the dining room has just become a Christmas staging area. I agree, I probably should purge some of the Christmas, I'm actually working on that. Different post, for another time.)
So, my answer is, "Yes, it's still out."
"Well, that's ridiculous, there's no reason you can't have had that put away by now." No, I didn't tape her, but that's pretty close to a verbatim quote.

So, now you get what I mean when I say she's started in on me. That little exchange is typical of what happens between us. It's a little dance we do. The whole conversation will be moving along about the kids and whatnot, and she'll throw a little jab in there like that. When I've been dealing with it for a while, I'm better at not engaging her. Right now, I'm out of practice. Not to mention, my defenses are down, because I'm so tired, in pain, etc... If you're still reading this, you are a real trooper, or need to get a hobby. Oh hey, maybe reading blogs is your hobby! Good for you! Because It's taking me this long to get to the story this whole post is supposed to be about. I've never claimed to be short winded.

The Start of the Actual Blog Post: (Cue trumpets!)

Today's event, for Spring Break, was supposed to be at a park w/a dozen or so other families from school. Everyone brings lunch and we have a picnic and let the kids burn some energy. It rained this morning, of course. But, I had a backup plan! We took the girls to movies. You may remember that movie going with BigSpeak, (Big,) has not had great success in the past. But it was raining, and we went to see Hop. It's about the Easter Bunny, how scary could it be? I asked my mom if she wanted to go, partly because I knew she wanted me to ask her, and partly because I knew it would be easier with the two girls, if things did not go well. (They were mostly fine, BTW.) Movie, was all good. We had one little mishap w/candy that G'ma let them pick out, but that was all. (Big picked out "sticky candy," she shouldn't have with her braces. It wasn't a big deal.) My mom got very testy w/me about it on the drive home to drop her off. Told me I should've bought her the candy, if it mattered that much. This was only because she was trying to tell me it was fine for Big to have it once in a while, in front of Big. (It's not. Trust me, I know this because we let her do it once and luckily were able to fix it on our own.) I wasn't criticizing her choice, it was when she told me in front of my kid that it was OK for her to have it, that I said, "Actually, no it's not." That's when she got all testy with me. But that's not the story, it just helps you understand my state of mind. I was tired, and at this point now, a bit testy myself. I got home about 3:30, and the girls wanted lunch, so I made them a late lunch. (They'd had a very large late breakfast.) Then LittleSpeak, (Little) got mad about something, and got in trouble for talking back. I was tired, so I vented. I vented publicly on a "social networking" site. (You just had your "aha moment," didn't you?) All I said, was that, this day was not going down as my favorite day of being a mom. I immediately got several comments from other moms and dads. It was actually kind of funny how quickly so many people were having the same kind of day. One mom suggested it might be the rain. Another told me I should've pawned them off on the G'parents, like her. There were some other things in there, so I quickly wrote into my own comments and replied to them. In my reply, I mentioned to the mom who suggested G'parents, that my kids were not the first grandkids, so the novelty was gone. Not one of my more stellar moments, I can assure you. I did it without thinking and hit enter.

Tonight, I got a text from my mom about it. She was less than pleased. I debated about how to answer her; I don't want to add fuel to the fire, but I felt that my comment, while ill-advised, was defensible. Should I do this via text? Call her? I finally decided to text her back, I felt calling her would be escalating it and potentially turning it into something bigger. I wrote her back and said, "When I ask for help with my kids, because they are a handful, and I say that is why I would like the help. I'm usually told too bad." Good or bad, that's the truth. I have been told "no" more than once, because they are a lot of work. They are a lot of work. I know that. That's why I was asking for the help, right? My kids are a lot of work because they're younger, then their first grandkids, I get that. I also have a child who is, what some might call, "spirited." Let's just say, you don't leave her alone in a room with a pair of scissors; running is probably the best thing she'll do with them. When you get down to it, that basically what I meant by the comment. Obviously, it's not how she took it. She did not write me back. After half an hour, I wrote again and asked if she was mad at me. She answered that right away, "no." I decided to call it even and leave it alone.

I'm spending the day with her, my niece and my girls at an amusement park tomorrow. I'll let you know how that goes.