Christmas Chaos (No More?)

 
I'm a big proponent of the less is more philosophy, but was raised in a "more is more" household.  That's not to say I don't appreciate all that I have or was given, because I do.  A couple years ago, I got fed up with all the "expectations" of what we should do and who we need to see and exchange gifts with.  I wasn't alone & luckily, my SIL and I were able to convince my mom to make some changes.  We stopped doing the Christmas day race; open gifts at home, race to g'mas to open more gifts, quickly put away all gifts & clean up bc guests were coming for early dinner, while being yelled at to hurry up.  Screw that.  We now celebrate/open gift w/G'parents a day or two before Christmas.  We nosh on tapas that everyone contributes and can take our time to open & appreciate what we've received.  It's a much better way to go.  Christmas morning is just our immediate family, so we can sit around in our pjs all morning and enjoy our time together.  This year, we even had Christmas Eve "off" as the hosts of the dinner we usually attend have moved a few hours away.  We decided to opt out bc we didn't want the kids to be up too late.  We were thinking we'd drive around to see the Christmas lights at some of the more dedicated homes in our area.  Instead, we had an impromptu dinner w/neighbors.  Turned out to be one of the best Christmas Eve's ever.  Kids all played together, I made mulled wine & we got properly tossed.  Very fun.  My folks even toned down the gifts this year.  They spent the same amount as usual, (I'm sure,) but when w/the focus on quality instead of quantity.  In the past, the kids have gotten "present fatigue."  This year was pretty much right on.  After opening gifts, all the cousins piled into a back bedroom to play.  They played some with their new gifts, but really, they played with each other.  They get it too, the part of this really being about having fun together.

For many years now, we've gone to see the Nutcracker Ballet.  This year, the Girl Scouts took care of that one for me.  We had a tour of the theater; including the back stage, large props (& how they work,) old costumes and practice stage.  Then we had a hour to eat dinner and then all watched the ballet together.  It was a late night, but the girls really loved it, and it was fun to go with our friends as well.

Christmas in the Park is another tradition we try to take part in every year.  Unfortunately, I got sick the week school got out.  My parents took pity on me (or maybe on my girls,) and took them to go see the event one evening.  (It's way more fun at night.) Not only did my kids get to do the Park at night, (like they wanted.) I was free to curl up on the couch with a blanket and not feel bad about feeling bad. 

We added something new this year.  New for my girls, but sort of a revived tradition for myself.  When I was a kid we would head up to Union Square in San Francisco every December to go see the store windows.   It's crowded and parking is lousy and forget it, if the weather isn't cooperating.  This year I was offered tickets to see "The Grinch, The Musical."  I thought the girls might really like it, so I said yes and invited my mom to join us.  The day of, I was kicking myself for getting us involved in it.  I had tons still to do and had no business driving up to The City.  The musical was awesome and my girls LOVED it.  In hindsight, I'm really glad we went.  The weather was perfect, we got their early, and got nearby parking.  We had time to see some of the store windows and each lunch before the performance.  We had ice cream at Macy's after and when we came out, the Christmas tree was lit up.  It really was a fun day.  I believe it's going to be added to the list of traditions that will continue on each year.

Lastly, one of the big traditions my mom has been big on continuing is Christmas baking.  I have the best kitchen set up for all of us to do this together, so it's at my house.  The day before, I mentioned to DaddySpeak that we were baking at our house & to say he was not pleased, might be a bit of an understatement.  He then voiced that his concern was that I'm always a wreak after we're done.  If it were just the baking or just the cleanup, I'd probably be ok, but all of it together does me in.  I realized he was right.  It was silly of me to kill myself for baked goods that will probably mostly get tossed anyway.  I'd already purchased a gingerbread village, so the girls could decorate, because decorating is really what they're most intersted in doing.  So, I decided not to bake.  I think it might not have been something my mom was thrilled about. But you know what?  I was fine.  I helped the girls with decorating their houses.  I helped my  mom & SIL w/their cookies.  And guess what? I was ok that night & the next day.  Totally doing that again.  One of the smartest moves I've made yet.  For the neighbors we usually exchange baked good with; I printed up 5x7s of their kids that I'd taken over the year & wrote in their cards, "Some people bake, I take pictures."  I got personal thank yous from each of them, so I think it was a hit.

I took a lot on, with being the room mom for LittleSpeak's class.  But I did manage to pace myself this year.  The kids still got to do everything they wanted. And I'm not a complete loss now.  In fact, today we all went bike riding, as a family.  Someone remind me to read this in October next year. This has been a great way to end this year.

My So-Called Trip to Vegas

I'm dying to write about my weekend.  I went to a Digital Scrapbooking "Fest."  I've been telling my In Real Life, (IRL,) friends, that it's a 'digital graphics users group.'  It is, and if they had a Public Relations, (PR,) person, the organizers might know that.  I suspect it would've been much more costly though; good PR people are expensive after all.  ;-)  They want to call it a "Fest," if it's keeping prices down, I'm all for it.

So, I spent the weekend in "Vegas Baby!" (You have to say it like that you know.) And I didn't even put a nickle in a slot.  Ha! That would imply there were nickle slots.  I didn't put a quarter or dollar even, then!  Honestly, there was a time period, approximately 11 years ago, when the thought of going to Vegas would've made me cry.  I worked for a chip maker and had to go to Vegas about every two months for their tradeshow circuit.  I grew to loath the place.  I could have and should have written a travel book on the place, because my knowledge on what to do and not to do was vast, but like I said, it would be too soon if I'd never gone there again. When DaddySpeak, (DS) found out where I was going he was shocked.  I told him I didn't burst into tears at the thought, so there's that.  Guess I'm past my PTSD finally.  ;-)  I did have fun, but it was actually a bit stressful, not because of the conference.  I suppose, the stressful part of my trip put any issues I might have had related to the conference into perspective.  I traveled w/LittleSpeak's Godmom, H.  Her husband, A came as well.  He was going to gamble while we were in classes and they could go out at night.  About two hours after we arrived, we convinced him to go to a see a doctor at walk-in clinic.  He had a really bad cold & he looked and sounded awful.  He had planned to get a day pass at the spa we were going to, but instead agreed to go to a walk-in clinic which was right off the strip.  (My knowledge of this place, it still applies.)  So H & I went to the Spaaaaaaa.  It was the same spa I went to w/DS a year and a half ago.  I was afraid it wasn't going to be as good.  I was sure I'd built it up in my mind to be much better than it really was, but I was not disappointed.  It was amazing & relaxing.  Exactly what I needed.  Our plan was that when we got done, we were going to shower & head to the opening reception for our "Fest."  It didn't work out that way.  Well, it did for me.  Poor H, had 4 texts from A about all the places they were sending him from the walk-in clinic; the last one being that they were going to admit him to the hospital.  H didn't shower or anything, she threw her clothes on and headed to the hospital.  I was able to check-in for her at the reception and told them what was happening with her.  The reception seemed so weird to me.  My head was really more over at the hospital with them.  I was getting updates from H.  Apparently, Friday night at the ER closest to the Vegas Strip is a bit sketchy, who woulda thunk?  They did release A with strict instructions to take his antibiotics and get lots of rest.  They'd hydrated him and administered IV antibiotics.  Told him they'd caught the pneumonia  early, so he should bounce back pretty quick.  They got back to the hotel about 9:00 PM.   On Saturday, I woke to the sound of my cell phone buzzing.  It seems that around 3:30 AM, H realized that A wasn't getting any sleep and seemed to be not breathing very well at all.  They had headed back to the ER.  She was updating me with their happenings since that time.  At, 5:45 AM, when I woke up, the doctors had declared he needed to be admitted for 2-3 days.  His oxygen saturation was extremely low, so low, that when I discussed it w/DS he was sure I heard it wrong.  He couldn't believe that A was functioning at all w/a saturation so low.  I confirmed it w/H 3 times though, it really was that low.  A was actually stuck in ER for 14 HOURS on Saturday.  The hospital was so crazy busy that they couldn't get him to a room w/a bed.  When they finally did, he was so bad that they put him ICU.  H missed the Saturday classes and tour we had planned.  She got home late that night, once things had more or less stabilized with A.  On Sunday, things seemed a bit better.  She went over to see him in the morning and they had just managed to break his (very high,) fever w/an ice bath.  After an hour or so, things seemed to moving in the right direction and he had fallen asleep, so H came back to the hotel and we got lunch.  We went back to the conference room and started to cut papers on  a hybrid project we'd (myself & other attendees,) worked on that morning.  I figured she could get some of it done and I'd finish whatever didn't happen for her.  At least she'd walk away with something, right?  Only while we were doing that, she got a text from A implying they might discharge him that afternoon.  Some of his "bloodwork had come back very positive."  H was packing up to head back to the hospital and called him to find out what was going on.  (He'd been in no shape to leave when she'd left him that morning.  He was better, but the guy was still requiring oxygen to breathe.)  While she was talking to him on the phone, he was overcome w/the shakes.  No fever, just uncontrollable shakes.  Not long after H got the hospital, he finally spiked a fever around 103.7.  They'd given him meds to try and knock it down, but he couldn't keep them down.  They had to used ice packs and IV meds to try and get the fever under control.  They did get it back down, but there was no mistaking he wasn't going anywhere soon.  I forget what time H got back that night, but it wasn't early.   Monday, was the day we were all supposed to come home.  I attended the closing of the "Fest," while H updated me via text from the hospital.  A was still running a low-grade fever, he was still on oxygen and he obviously wasn't flying anywhere that day.  But, he seemed to be slightly better.  He even got out of bed and walked around the nurses desk w/H.  Then he fell asleep exhausted.  I was VERY torn about leaving H and A.  If something awful happened, H had no one there with her.  If my folks weren't traveling overseas, it would've been a no brainer, I would've stayed.  But, as it was, I had to ask my Sister-In-Law to pick up the girls from school.  I offered to stay, (it was via text,) but I don't know if H never got it, or just didn't reply.  All the medal in the hospital and casinos made it so that we didn't always get our text in a timely manner.  Luckily, things really were improving.  A was discharged last night and they flew home today, Wednesday.  I actually haven't talked to them since they've gotten here.  The last text I got was when they were boarding the plane.  I know they're both exhausted, so it can wait.  He's still very, very sick.  She's got to go back to work and they have four year old twins to deal with too.  I'm still reeling from this weekend and I'm not the one who spent all the time in the hospital worrying about my husband.  I can NOT imagine how overwhelmed they must be feeling.  So, if you would, please say a little prayer, or light a candle or send the good karmic vibes.  They could use it right about now.

Also, go give the people you love a hug.  It's so easy to forget how fragile life can be. 

In my next post, I might actually talk about what I did, beside text w/H all weekend. ;-)

Learning to Love

When I read this, I kept thinking about all the crushes kids at this age, (around ages 4-8ish,) have;  lots of boys want to marry their mommy's & girl's their daddy's  (I suspect visa versa too.)  Many, many kids have crushes on their kindergarten teachers.  No one thinks much of these "school kid crushes."  They're considered normal.  This is the way in which a child at this age processes love for the people they know.  I know both my girls claim they are never moving out.  They'll just move their families into our house with us.  They can't even imagine wanted to live away from home for college.  This makes me laugh, because, I suspect, they will be "chomping at the bit" to get out by that time.  And I do hope they're excited when it's their turn.  But they're kids and they can't imagine loving someone any more than they love us right now. As they get older their world gets bigger, and so does their idea of what love is.  My point is, that I totally agree with the author.  She's right, we should imagine as if all of our kids are being targeted by the hateful anti-gay rhetoric.  Even people who "aren't anti-gay" but are against gay-marriage need to stop deluding themselves.  While you might not be a hateful person, the message you send our kids is that they aren't equal.  And that is not okay. 

When the whole prop 8 thing started here in CA, it was interesting to me how many of our neighbors posted pro-prop 8 signs in their yards.  Churches were passing them out at their services.  To me it felt like they were going out of their way to point out their feelings.  So, in turn, several of us made calls & got anti-prop 8 signs for our yards.  Listen, I'm fine with the whole we can agree to disagree thing, but not when it comes to my child's self-esteem.  If it turns out, a child of mine is gay, then I want them to know that I will not tolerate them being treated differently. I will fight for them and their rights always.  I'm their parent and they are my child above all else.  There are no conditions on that.  That's why they call it unconditional love.  At the time of the prop 8 discussion, an older family member indicated that they "weren't anti-gay, but they just didn't think they (the gays,) should be allowed to marry.  They can have civil unions, why do they need marriage?"  I have to admit was I was shocked.  There are several people in our extended families who feel this way, but I was surprised by this person.  This person wanted to "agree to disagree," but I was really having a hard time with leaving it like that.  I finally asked them, "What if one of your grandchildren is gay?  Do you want any of them to be told they are a lesser person because of that?  Do you think it's okay to deny them the right to a marriage? They already legally can be on each others' health care, have children together, purchase a home together, (which is harder than any of those other things,) so why not marriage?"  Initially, the person wanted to drop it, so I let it go, but I made it clear I didn't like it.  The day after the election this person told me that they voted against prop 8.  The idea made them uncomfortable because of what they've been told are their life.  But when I put it in the framework of their own grand kids, whom they love and cherish and truly just want them to be happy, that made them realize they could live with uncomfortable.  Their grand kids deserved more."
Are either of my children gay?  I don't know, neither do they, they're too young to know.  What I do know, is that they are loved no matter what, and I will not tolerate people judging them harshly on that subject.  I know that any "crushes" they have at this age are just a normal part of growing.  It tells me we're doing something right; our children know how to love.

And then I stepped in it....

I haven't really had the energy to write about my doctor's appointment, mostly because there really isn't anything new to report. I'll tell you more when there's more to tell. Basically, it went well, let's just leave it at that. So onto what that title is about...

My kids are on Spring Break this week. That's, at least part of, why, I haven't had the extra energy to write. Especially considering there really wasn't anything to write. Been doing my best to keep them busy and out of trouble. Simultaneously, trying not to overdo it. Blah, blah, blah...the usual blather I've been putting out lately.

Before I tell you what happened, I guess I need to provide a small amount of backstory here;

My brother's family is moving out of Silicon Valley. (Don't even get me started on my mom's reaction to this, to say she's not happy would be an understatement. She has trouble with change.) It's not my story to tell, so the long and short of it is this; they decided before things got any tighter, (budget-cuts,) they wanted to get into a smaller house payment. (No, they weren't having money problems! They just saw what was happening with public workers and did the long term math. They are being pro-active. I'm not making any kind of declaration about their financial situation; they are fine. They just want to stay that way.) They did some research and found an area they could better afford, with decent schools and from which they could still commute. That's the basics of it. They put their house on the market and it sold in like a week. Right now, most homes here are taking about 2 months to sell. They weren't entirely ready to move; read; kids are still in school. In the interim, they are living with my parents. It's temporary, and it was planned out. But it's obviously not the norm for my family. So that's your back story. My brother's family has recently moved in with my parents.

I think I mentioned a time or two before, that my mom and I have our issues. That many times those issues seem to be more about what she'd like to say to my brother or Sister-In-Law (SIL,) but instead says to me.

As I'm writing this, I do realize that I'm now probably putting my other foot into it as well. At least, if my mom were to read this, I'm putting my other foot in it. She insists she does not, so I guess I'll know for sure soon enough. But, I've mentioned before, this is my blog, for me, so that I might vent and not entirely lose my mind or eat my young.

With my brother's family in her house, I hear everything is hunky-dory, but I suspect everyone is trying very hard to be nice and, perhaps, walking on eggshells a bit. I don't know that, like I said, everyone seems to be in agreement that all is good. What I do know is that my mom has ratcheted up her comments to me as of late. I haven't really been tracking this or anything, but my guess is that it started around the time they started getting the house ready for them to move in. I could just be sensitive, certainly wouldn't have been the first time that happened, but that's my guess. It may also be because, when you come right down to it, my mom doesn't really accept that I have Fibromyalgia, (FM). She would deny that. I think she wants to believe, but the reality is that she just doesn't, and her actions speak very loudly to that. Since my FM has recently really turned itself up, her uncomfortableness with it, might also be the reason her comments have been surfacing more often. Who knows, maybe it's because Venus is in her moon phase. My point is, and I do have one, regardless of the reason, I feel, that my mom has started in on me again as of late.

Example: a few days ago, my mom watched the girls while I went to the doctor. In the middle of small talk, she asks me if the Christmas stuff was still on the dining room table,
(I have 1-2 boxes I'm working on getting completely put away. It's how things work when you have something like FM. You do what you can, when you can, and you try not to stress about the rest. No, my poor children haven't been deprived of other holidays. We have decorated for other holidays, the dining room has just become a Christmas staging area. I agree, I probably should purge some of the Christmas, I'm actually working on that. Different post, for another time.)
So, my answer is, "Yes, it's still out."
"Well, that's ridiculous, there's no reason you can't have had that put away by now." No, I didn't tape her, but that's pretty close to a verbatim quote.

So, now you get what I mean when I say she's started in on me. That little exchange is typical of what happens between us. It's a little dance we do. The whole conversation will be moving along about the kids and whatnot, and she'll throw a little jab in there like that. When I've been dealing with it for a while, I'm better at not engaging her. Right now, I'm out of practice. Not to mention, my defenses are down, because I'm so tired, in pain, etc... If you're still reading this, you are a real trooper, or need to get a hobby. Oh hey, maybe reading blogs is your hobby! Good for you! Because It's taking me this long to get to the story this whole post is supposed to be about. I've never claimed to be short winded.

The Start of the Actual Blog Post: (Cue trumpets!)

Today's event, for Spring Break, was supposed to be at a park w/a dozen or so other families from school. Everyone brings lunch and we have a picnic and let the kids burn some energy. It rained this morning, of course. But, I had a backup plan! We took the girls to movies. You may remember that movie going with BigSpeak, (Big,) has not had great success in the past. But it was raining, and we went to see Hop. It's about the Easter Bunny, how scary could it be? I asked my mom if she wanted to go, partly because I knew she wanted me to ask her, and partly because I knew it would be easier with the two girls, if things did not go well. (They were mostly fine, BTW.) Movie, was all good. We had one little mishap w/candy that G'ma let them pick out, but that was all. (Big picked out "sticky candy," she shouldn't have with her braces. It wasn't a big deal.) My mom got very testy w/me about it on the drive home to drop her off. Told me I should've bought her the candy, if it mattered that much. This was only because she was trying to tell me it was fine for Big to have it once in a while, in front of Big. (It's not. Trust me, I know this because we let her do it once and luckily were able to fix it on our own.) I wasn't criticizing her choice, it was when she told me in front of my kid that it was OK for her to have it, that I said, "Actually, no it's not." That's when she got all testy with me. But that's not the story, it just helps you understand my state of mind. I was tired, and at this point now, a bit testy myself. I got home about 3:30, and the girls wanted lunch, so I made them a late lunch. (They'd had a very large late breakfast.) Then LittleSpeak, (Little) got mad about something, and got in trouble for talking back. I was tired, so I vented. I vented publicly on a "social networking" site. (You just had your "aha moment," didn't you?) All I said, was that, this day was not going down as my favorite day of being a mom. I immediately got several comments from other moms and dads. It was actually kind of funny how quickly so many people were having the same kind of day. One mom suggested it might be the rain. Another told me I should've pawned them off on the G'parents, like her. There were some other things in there, so I quickly wrote into my own comments and replied to them. In my reply, I mentioned to the mom who suggested G'parents, that my kids were not the first grandkids, so the novelty was gone. Not one of my more stellar moments, I can assure you. I did it without thinking and hit enter.

Tonight, I got a text from my mom about it. She was less than pleased. I debated about how to answer her; I don't want to add fuel to the fire, but I felt that my comment, while ill-advised, was defensible. Should I do this via text? Call her? I finally decided to text her back, I felt calling her would be escalating it and potentially turning it into something bigger. I wrote her back and said, "When I ask for help with my kids, because they are a handful, and I say that is why I would like the help. I'm usually told too bad." Good or bad, that's the truth. I have been told "no" more than once, because they are a lot of work. They are a lot of work. I know that. That's why I was asking for the help, right? My kids are a lot of work because they're younger, then their first grandkids, I get that. I also have a child who is, what some might call, "spirited." Let's just say, you don't leave her alone in a room with a pair of scissors; running is probably the best thing she'll do with them. When you get down to it, that basically what I meant by the comment. Obviously, it's not how she took it. She did not write me back. After half an hour, I wrote again and asked if she was mad at me. She answered that right away, "no." I decided to call it even and leave it alone.

I'm spending the day with her, my niece and my girls at an amusement park tomorrow. I'll let you know how that goes.

Wordless Wednesday - Kansas Style

Girls got to go horseback riding at Papa's farm in Kansas. They were pretty pleased about the whole deal. In case the ear-to-ear grins didn't clue you in. ;-)

The One I Miss the Most is...

Turns out in Kansas you have to get a couple of hamsters to run on a wheel to get the interwebs going....kidding. But my internet access while visiting in Kansas last week was pretty limited, as was my posting. I have much good blog fodder, as you might imagine, after spending a week w/60+ cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc...It was a very crazy, but fun time. The girls has a blast & we had the first good weather we've ever had when visiting Kansas. Still, I'm really, really glad to be home.

Happy to be back in my own bed has taken on a new meaning for me. We slept in my husband's childhood room, which seems to have been frozen in time. What's up with that? My brother took over my room 2 minutes after I went to college (and I was coming back). And my mom couldn't get our crap out of the house fast enough, so she could paint & redecorate. My MIL (Mother In Law) on the other hand, seems to think DaddySpeak might suddenly decide to move back in & would want his room just as he left it TWENTY-something YEARS ago. Maybe DaddySpeak was a more likeable teenager than I, hmmm.....
I digress, (how surprising,) my husband's bed is part of this 20+ year set, and the mattress is HARD. Since we know I'm such a delicate flower, I didn't handle this sleeping arrangement so well. By day 2 I was taking muscle relaxers so I could actually move. During the night, I'd wake myself up every time I tried to move from the pain. My Fibro was rearing it's ugly head, it wasn't good. I bought my Outlaws a new pillow on day 2. I gave it to them after I used it for the week. ;-) That helped keep my neck in check for the rest of the time. My neck still hurt, but it wasn't unbearable anymore. My lower back was pretty unbearable by day 4.

I used to feel bad about the bed my Outlaws sleep in when they come to visit, but I don't anymore.

Get Down with the Sickness

Yeah, so this is how my life works; two steps backward, one step forward. But hey, it was only one step back overall, right?

The in laws left on Monday morning.
BigSpeak barfed her guts out Sunday about 1 AM.
Oh, and my washing machine has been broken since Friday before last (every time they come to visit we have an appliance casualty, but that's fodder for another post,) it'll be fixed until next Friday. Yes, that's two weeks without one.

So Sunday night (Monday morning) at 1 AM I was bathing a crying child, stripping a bed & remaking it, scrubbing sheets, night clothes, pillows, etc...in a sink, spot scrubing rugs and then cleaning the bathroom. My idea of a good time, don't you think?

That's the two steps back part.

On the bright side (I guess you could call it that), the second time she got sick she was in the bathroom & she did make it into the toilet. And, while the washer is broken, my MIL insisted on doing 10 loads of laundry at the laundermat before she left. Also, we have home warrentry coverage on the washer. Instead of costing $400-500 it's costing $55.

That would be that one step forward.

“Mad is way too plain a word for how I feel!”

Yes, I’ve taken to quoting Fancy Nancy. But, truth be told, I am furious. I’ve been on DaddySpeak to make sure he scheduled the time off for a week this August so we could have a family vacation at the beach house. I finally emailed him the dates at work so he’d remember, and tonight he told me he didn’t think he could take it because he’ll only have been home a week from his sailing trip.

Yes, he’s taking a vacation.
He’s going sailing with his dad, brother and some other friends for a week in Vancouver. Sounds nice doesn't it?

Being the dutiful wife I offered for his mother to come see the girls during this time (she doesn’t boat; major motion sickness. HOWEVER, I do enjoy boating, but was not asked). It’s true that spending time with his parents has been known to put me over the edge in mental illness in the past. It’s not so bad these days (or hasn’t been, knock on wood) but this next week is NOT my idea of a break, much less a vacation. My initial reaction was to say that the girls and I will head over without him for the week. Then I started to really think about that & honestly, that’s not a break for me on any level. It’s a huge amount of work for me, so I don’t think that’s what we’ll be doing. I don’t know. Right now, what I do know is that I’d really like to smash my fist into someone’s face right now.

The cherry to my sundae is that BigSpeak decided to pull her usual, “I’m too tired” about picking up the playroom tonight. The room is actually not that big of a deal right now and would've taken like 2 minutes. But we made a deal awhile ago that they were going to start picking up the play room 2x a day without protests.

Yeah right, how’s that working for you?….Not so much.

Tonight when she started in I told her she had till the count of 3 to get in there and start picking up or she could go strait to bed. (I was already starting at pissed from my conversation with DaddySpeak.) She informed me she preferred to go to bed.

Mad is way too plain a word for how I feel right now.

Bonus points for you if you know which Nancy book that quote is from.

I Meant to Write.....

So I've had good intentions, but you know the drill; "I wuz bizeeee!"

Yes, well the outlaws left on Tuesday & I'm still recovering. I happen to choose their visit as the time to run out of the anti-anxiety/PPD pills my dr had me on for PPD. Yeah, I know my kid is two, I was supposed to be weaning off of them, I just got distracted. Not great timing for me, you think? So I'm feeling a little anxious...actually just my brain starts to race most of the time & I feel like I'm having dizzy spells a lot. It's like Disneyland, without the metal detectors or high prices.

In other news...
I did get my laptop back. Yeah!
But our WiFi network has been reconfigured since it was out and I need to reconfig the network and/or laptop again. Boo! So yeah, a couple more days on that one still. But hey, it's getting close.

This is a message I emailed to friend just before this post, it'll give you an idea of what my week has been like:

Got your phone message, but this afternoon was KRAZZZEEE! (That would be a special kind of crazy w/a capital K, in case you didn't notice.) LittleSpeak is still recovering from the fact that her G'parents have left and the world no longer revolves directly around her. Perhaps you felt the Earth's axis shift? I'm sure you heard her screaming her displeasure over it. I'm pretty sure everyone in a 5 mile radius heard her screaming her displeasure about it.

Yeah, that's pretty much my life right now. We're in the process of trying to reset from the G'parents visit. That, and LittleSpeak is teething (two-year molars, whoo!) so there was a 48 hour period this week in which I'd had a total of 7 hours of sleep (not all in one stretch, jeez, you're optimistic). Last night was better, I got 7 total hours, now we just need to work on the whole getting at 5:30 AM thing with her and we'll be golden.

Hoping to get the b-day party pix up this weekend, so really cute ones, not just of my kids although if I don't say so myself....

And So It Begins….

So this is the photo I promised.
Took the girls Tuesday evening, and did the portrait thing with them. Every year we do a photo of all four grand kids for my folks. We also do just the two of them, seeing as how I don’t think my outlaws are that interested to have pix of my brother’s kids in their house. Call me crazy! Since my two are the youngest I figured it might make sense to try and get pix of just the two of them at a different time, shorter attention spans and all. So went over to the mall, did those photos, let them run around in the kids area

Side note: Why do people think it’s ok to let their children run wild in the kids play area in a mall? Most of the kids there are usually under the age of 2 and sweet. There’s always at least one or two 4-6 YOs literally racing around, jumping over other kids and parents, knocking kids, people and strollers over and generally being obnoxious. Inevitably they hurt someone’s preshuuusbabeeee and those with the smaller kids leave. Not my preshusbabee mind you, cause I’d go kick their arces if they get too close. Ok, I wouldn’t physically hurt them, but I would give them the mommy speak smack down and look of death. And if that doesn’t work I’ll go humiliate their parents. And if that doesn’t work I’ll threaten to have Stephen Cobert put them On Notice. Bet you’re totally jonesing to hang with me at the mall now, aren’t ya?

So anyway, I bribed them w/a promise of McD’s if they would participate during photos. I don’t know if that worked of if I just got lucky, but the pix came out pretty good. Since they were dressed up already I decided to hit the Clause Booth. Let me tell you, good call on my part. We walked right up to Santa & took our time. No one was there! I highly recommend the Tuesday evening Santa visit BTW. DD1 was able to tell him what she wanted (“an American Girl doll that’s Big like her cousin S” and the mermaid costume and the gold dress with the crown….”). Santa then pointed out a skylight above us where you could see “the tops of the reindeer antlers on the roof where he’d parked his sled”. (Good call, cause she asked where his sled was when we got there & I told her that the mall gives him special parking on the roof.) She was pretty excited.

DD2 had a different sort of experience. She would NOT sit on his lap. (Did you guess that, what gave it away?) He gave her a small candy cane and she thought was good, but she still wasn’t leaving mommy. Maybe she has more common sense then the rest of us. So mommy is in the pix. While I'm glad this photo came out so well, I wish I could photoshop myself out, but the way Santa's beard is next to my shoulder makes me think it would look weird if I did. I'd kind of like to photoshop the experience from my mind too. Just before they'd take each photo, Santa would "bounce" his knee on my side. Ummm, inappropriate, much? It kind of perved me out, but I think (I want to believe) that the "photo elf" was giving him a signal to do it in order to get DD2 to smile for the actual photo. That's the story I'm going with ok, cause otherwise, ewww! I have all kinds of issues with the fact that I'm encouraging my daughters to sit on a strange man's lap & take candy from him, so like I said I'm trying not to think about it too much. I'm trying not to ruin it for myself.

I hadn’t really thought that part out, (that I might need to be in the photo too) so I had on sweats, but luckily they were black & my top happened to be red. Too bad my hair was so out of whack and that I didn’t have make up on, sigh, the sacrifices we make for our parents. You do know this is all about the photo for the grandparent’s right?

Speaking of….


Guess who’s got the girls today? They’re hereeeee! We’re headed to the City (San Francisco) this weekend as it’s my BIL’s 40th and he’s have a big par-tay. We even got a hotel room so we can cab it and drink all the Zin we want!!! All the cousins are flying in for it and DS's folks came out to watch the girls so we could spend the weekend up there. More on all this later.

She's a smart one, that 4YO

Zoot was talking about how they deal with punishing their kids today and I had a lengthy comment on the topic.

I know, me, a lot to say? Who knew?

It reminded me of something funny from the other day.

Well, I think it's funny. My mom, maybe not so much.

I believe I’ve mentioned that DD2 is a bit loud at times. What I mean to say is that it isn’t uncommon for us (or complete strangers) to refer to her a baby pterodactyl on occasion. Seriously, this kid can screech! She’s especially fond of practicing this talent while in the car; she seems to feel that any ride longer then say out the driveway should be protested. LOUDLY.

I was going to insert appropriate example in video here, but it seems that upon transferring my media files to my portable drive I somehow transferred a jpeg of the first frame of the video, but not the actual video footage. WTF? So I will have to give you an example at some later date. Don’t worry, there are plenty of opportunities for examples of the Baby Pterodactyl. Just get in the car. Hmmm……Halloween costume idea…

So the other day G’ma & DD2 are picking up DD1 from pre-school and DD2 is screeching her head off. G’ma’s ears are bleeding and her head is about to explode so she yells at DD2 trying to get her attention enough to make her stop. To which DD1 replies, “But G’ma you’re yelling loudly too.”

heh, heh

More, more, more...

Yes, more rain, more heat, more humidity, more sleep (Thank God!) and more BUGS!

So on the plus side I did actually get some sleep last night. I think I was so exhausted I just crashed. I woke up several times from my back hurting, but I did reach REM which is a problem for me when I'm hurting, so that's good. It certainly make some of the rest of this more bearable. But, can I just tell you?, the BUGS! OMG, the Bugs! The bugs here are NOT like in California. In CA they twitter, they chirp, you know they're around, but you aren't afraid they'll take over. Here they are so freaking LOUD! It's like you can't hear yourself think if you outside after 3 PM. It's kinda creepy actually, cause it means there are so damn many of them. Another reason to perplex me on why the hell anyone would live here???

Look if you live in Midwest, more power to you. You're obviously made of sturdier stock than I. I (knock on wood) have not been bitten, but DD#1 is getting eaten alive, poor baby. Actually she isn't really complaining about it, but to look at her one leg....ehww. Seriously, these are like the nastiest bug bites I've seen. It's my understanding that the one's on her legs are "chigger" bites. They crawl up your legs from the grass and bite you later. EEHW! Apparently she must've gotten those at the farm the other day. So not only do you have to cover yourself in bug spray, but you need to make sure you cover you shoes and socks. Ideally, you wear some kind of boots and long pants (jeans) to help avoid them. (She had on tennis shoes and jeans.) So if it's not hot enough for you, don't worry you'll have to suit up to avoid being eaten alive. That should get you sweating.

I'm Melting!!!

Dude, it is so freaking humid here I can't tell you. Right now it's currently 97% humidity, at SEVEN AM!!! Who the hell chooses to live like this?? It's inhumane. The AC in this house (built sometime in the 1920s, not updated since I think) is on the fritz so often times we are dying upstairs. Our bed SUCKS!!! Thus I'm on the web since 3:30 AM CA time. My back is killing me.

We have seen the sun here for a total of 1 hour, but it's hot as hell. Did I tell you it was hot? Cause it is. I'd like to say it's not the hot it's the humidity, but no it's both it's the hot and the humidity and they both suck big donkey balls.

Ok, enough w/my bitching, the girls and DS are having fun, so I'll get mine later. I'm going to try and find a place for a pedi today. I don't think I've ever had a white person do my nails--there's seriously ONLY white people here, it's kinda weird. All the Vietnamese got here and were like, dude we just LEFT a place like this, we're going to California! So that should be interesting. And if it keep raining I'll probably take DS#1 to the movies today. They have AC you know.

But hey, you've gotten two posts in less then 24 hours so you're not bitching, right?

Hell exists and it resides in a plane in Colorado

Yeah, our plane trip to Kansas was less then steller. Think about this for a minute; your incoming plane arrived early, but you had to sit on the tarmack for an hour waiting for a gate to open up for you. But wait, there's more, you have 4 year old asking, "When are we going to get out?" and a 15 month old screetching every 10 minutes or so because she's sick of sitting in her car seat after a 3 hour flight. Fun for all. But wait that's not all! All planes are delayed in Denver due to weather, so your connecting flight is late and when you do get to board, they get everyone on the plane, announce they'll be leaving in a few minutes and then SIT. AT. THE. GATE. for NINETY MINUTES, again w/4 year and 15 month olds with you. Add in a dash of the pilot coming on every 15 minutes to tell you to leave your seatbelts on because "it'll be just a few more minutes" and said 4 year old having to "really, really pee" and you have my trip to Kansas. It could've been worse, the flight attendent did let her use the bathroom, so she didn't pee herself (however she did dump and apple juice in her lap during that flight). And while both kids were at the end of their rope neither actuall imploded, but neither actually slept either, which was the point of flying at night.

Because Kansas City is about an hour to Topeka and we had to take the time to rent a car, and lug kids, etc...we got to Topeka at 4 AM. Yes, it took us 10 hours to fly a 3.5 hour flight.

Now in Topeka for the 2nd day, and DUDE how the hell do any of you live here? It is so freaking hot and humid! I knew that coming here, but somehow your mind blocks the hell of it. It makes me sick to my stomach it's so bad. The total irony is that we've seen the sun for a total of 30 minutes since we've been here. Currenty, it's raining, so I'm hopful that will cool things off. But seriously, DUDE, they should just close this place as being uninhabitable.

Baby's up from nap...more later.

MommySpeak In

Hi Internet,

I’m still alive. No the party on the 4th was not so crazy that it’s taken until now to recover sufficiently to blog again. While the party on the 4th was fun (we had around 40 people) it did not bowl me over like that. I couldn’t even get a buzz, I drank enough, but it was just too hot. No, my issues developed the next weekend. My fibro returned. I had a bad bout focused on the base of my skull. It SUCKED! The spasms went up the side/back of my skull and were so swollen that if I didn’t have hair to cover it, you would’ve insisted I had some kind of tumor or something. I can’t take much pain-wise, cause I’m still breast feeding DD#2. I believe this bout was brought on by the fact that I have weaned the baby to just two feedings (from me) a day. She’s drinking whole milk now, so I nurse her first thing in the AM and just before bed. My hormones went nuts over this. My skin is getting its hyper pigmentation back, and a nice breakout, of course. Aunt Flo came to visit for the 3rd time in 3 weeks and I put on 5 lbs in one night (maybe more I don’t own a scale and kinda don’t want to know). It’s just been so fun! So I called my rheumatologist to make an appointment to discuss a game plan for me and weaning—you know, so I won’t really have to suffer. That’s me, being all pro-active and stuff. BUT I can’t get into her until August 8. A freaking month! Since I was in pain NOW and I can’t see my doctor for 31 freaking days! I did the next best thing, I consulted Dr. Google. I figured it’s been a couple of years since I was last suffering, I’m sure there’s been some new info. There was, and long story, short, one study they’re trying to replicate right now is that people w/fibromyalgia are hypoglycemic and benefit greatly from a low carb diet. I’ve heard some variations of this before, but this was an actual study w/actual statistics to support its claim (something like 90% saw a decrease in symptoms; especially pain.). If a diet is all I have to do to keep my symptoms at bay, I am all over it. So then I was consulting Dr. Google about the low carb diets and what might be best for me.

So you see internet I haven’t really been neglecting you, I’ve just been using you. ;)

So I’ve been doing this low carb thing for about a week now. I’m not in love with it yet, but this morning I could tell I’ve dropped some weight from the way my clothes fit. So that’s a plus. I can’t say I feel so much better, but if all that comes out of it ends up being that I look better, I could live w/that too. Anyway, I’m back & should hopefully be posting more again.

On another note, we leave for the Midwest (to visit outlaws) on Friday. Yes, it’s a sudden thing. Some of DS’s cousins adopted 3 kids (obviously they didn’t have any, who in their right mind would adopt that many if they already understood what was involved? No really, I think it’s really great. These cousins live on a working farm. She’s a doctor and he’s an engineer, and they’re really nice people. I think they’ll be good parents and have a lot to offer these kids. The kids are ages 6, 4, and 2, and are brothers and sisters. So the family is having a big “Welcome Home” party for them and we decided to go for a week. Ok, this is too long already, more later.

MommySpeak Out.

Family Matters

The stomach flu has hit our house and it’s been awful! DS was sick Monday night and stayed home on Tuesday. I got sick Tuesday night and stayed in bed all day Wednesday. I have however, lost several pounds, and my clothes are fitting awesome, so there’s your silver lining. I’m hopeful that the kids won’t get it, but I know that’s not likely. I was sharing water bottles with TS Tuesday afternoon. Bah!

BS’s actual first b-day is tomorrow, and as usual there’s lots of drama from the family surrounding it. It’s also my brother’s b-day (he’ll be 36). My parents were on vacation all last week and I called my brother (2x) to talk to them about what the plan was for the actual birth date, (I’m having a big shindig for her in May when the outlaws are here) but no one was returning my calls, so I set up an evite for dinner & cake. I’m in the doghouse because I didn’t mention his b-day, only BS’s on the evite. Apparently his feelings were hurt because I didn’t acknowledge him. But I spoke with him/my SIL 2x after this was posted and no one said anything. I even asked my SIL about plans, etc… and was told he wanted to talk to my parents, etc…. So my parents come home from vacation and my mom tells me he’s upset with me about it. Yesterday when I’m totally sick she comes over to get the kids and informs me we’ve (meaning her and my brother) changed the plans; we’re now at her house for a BBQ (
"she didn’t like the menu I’d posted anyway"). I was given all the details about his hurt feelings, along with the fact that he doesn’t want gifts on Friday night. On Sunday we’re all supposed to go to Chinese for his b-day & we can do his gifts then. I was totally out of it, so I said whatever & went to bed. But once I started recovering I started to get mad. So this morning when my mom asked if I wanted A or B for dinner tomorrow night I told her I didn’t care cause it didn’t matter, “if I didn’t choose what she or my brother wanted she’d change it anyway.”
First, she couldn’t understand what I was mad about. Then she informed me that she’s tired of being in the middle of my brother and me (I told her she put herself there). Then she tried to turn on the tears and told me how I ruined two days of her vacation because once she saw it posted she knew there’d be trouble. She’s so big on the guilt trip.

I informed her that 1) I made efforts to contact them and in fact when I did make contact I was brushed off. 2) They choose to be passive aggressive about the whole deal and go through her (rather then deal with me, i.e.-put her in the middle) because they knew she’d guilt trip me into whatever they wanted. And 3) it’s my daughter’s FIRST b-day, he’s turning 36! Grow up for crying out loud! I know BS doesn’t know the difference, but I do and what I was doing was going to be easier on her schedule. Dinner was something everyone would eat and likes: even his kids who don’t eat anything!
I told her I’m tired of accommodating him all the damn time. She wanted to know what I meant by that and I told her, “No matter what the occasion the consideration is always about their schedule, their kid’s eating habits, etc…and that I’m sick of it.!" We mess with our kids sleeping schedules, but not thiers. My kids will eat pretty much anything, so they aren’t a consideration when it comes to food, but we make special meals for their kids. We try to be easy about it, so we become the doormat! I’m tired of feeling like I’m being taken advantage of!” She didn’t say anything and then asked if we were still coming (DS said she might as well as have said, “did I win anyway”) . I paused for a while and then said I guess so.

I called DS to vent & he told me that the problem is that until I’m willing to say forget it then we won’t come, they’ll continue to do this to me. They know I won’t pull the “fine, my kids aren’t coming then, but my brother will, so I’m the one who plays the doormat every time.” If I push back and they say they aren’t coming, they don’t get the guilt trip, I do. I feel like if I do say we aren’t coming, I’m using the kids as ammunition to get what I want & I don’t want to come down to that level. He told me that it’s what it’s going to have to come down to if I ever want it to change. I know he’s right, I just hate it. If you have any other solution let me know, I'd love to hear it. The thing is that regardless the guilt trip, etc... will continue, this has been the pattern for years so I'll be the bad guy no matter what I do. I can't win. I think the answer is that I need to move.

I’m sure I’m more in the dog house after posting this cause my SIL reads this sometimes. I’m damned it I do, and I’m damned if I don’t.

I know it’s supposed to be a Love Thursday, but I’m just not feeling it today. Maybe I can pull out a Love Friday for you, but most likely not.

Catch up Monday

Hola Internet. How are you? Me? I’m good I guess. I don’t even know how to answer that question any more. I’m still on the rollercoaster ride, that’s for sure. Sorry I haven’t updated sooner, it’s just been a really long week. So here’s your “Catch up Monday”; Wednesday will be “Medical Drama Wednesday”, Thursday will be “Love Thursday” and Monday will be henceforth be known as “Catch up Monday”. After today I’m sure I will totally blow off these things, but I like to set goals like that for myself so I can blow them off and feel good about myself. I’m a self-promoter like that.

Health
The pink-eye in my right eye is looking better, not gone, but better. I’ve been on antibiotics (eye goop) for 5 days now and one would think it should look “healed” by now. Of course, this morning I woke up with a goopy, red LEFT eye. I put medicine in it and called my doctor’s office to find out if this means I’m contagious again. I’m at work, so let’s hope not. Ironically, neither of the girls has the pink-eye.

On Wednesday the chest congestion mentioned at the doctor’s visit decided to make public appearance. Since then I have had a horrendous cough. It’s dry, it’s hacky, it sounds like I’m going to put my lung on the table. It’s a nasty cough. Lots or gross stuff is coming up with it, but it doesn’t really seem to be improving on any level. I have these coughing jags that literally last for 3-5 minutes. I can’t catch my breath & people will leave the place I’m in if its public (like starbuck’s this AM). My throat and my diaphragm muscle both feel like someone has beaten the crap out of them. I think my throat seriously might be bruised. I also have an unbelievably raspy voice. Talking on the phone is next to impossible. I think it has also given me a headache. I have a call into my doctor for follow up.

Work
I know I said wasn’t planning on talking about work (see docce). But (there’s always a “but” isn’t there?) I’m totally being F’ed with these days. I’m being reorganized again. Last time it was really a positive for me; I like my boss, I like my job, I love my co-workers. If I could well enough to be here on a regular basis, it might even be fun. The person I’m going to be reporting to has no management experience (in regard to personal) and she’s a be-yoch at best anyway. I can’t see how this can end well for me. I’ve spoken with DS and he has agreed that I can quit if I think I need to (he knows I wouldn’t do it if we couldn’t afford it financially). My current boss is acting in his position, and currently interviewing for the position he’s been filling for the last year and a half, so I imagine there’s a part of him that feels he needs to keep a low profile on this topic. Also, no one approached him or his boss on this subject. (True Silicon Valley fashion) I’m not alone, there’s one other person who is being moved out of our group as well. Her situation is better then mine. I don’t intend to sit back and allow this happen. I imagine I’ll have more to report on this subject later, but I’m working on our (home) budget as if I weren’t working.

Kids
BS is “on fire” these days. She’s crawling/scooting/cruising all over the place. We’ve done some baby proofing, but definitely still have much more to do. She’s so damn cute, she starts to go toward something she’s not supposed to (like under the desk to the computer wires) and you’ll say, “BS what are you doing?” She’ll sit up, grin this HUGE grin at you and shake her head “no”. Then she’ll continue crawling in the direction she was headed, knowing you’ll come get her. That one’s going to be our joker I think.

TS had a stellar play date on Saturday w/5 friends (all girls). We rode bikes around the block to the elementary school by our house and they played on the playground. Then we rode back to one family’s house and had beer and wine while the kids played on their swing set. (It was so down home, middle class America.) We topped it off by ordering pizza and having dinner together while we watched KU lose or UCLA win, depending on your perspective. One thing I noticed during this play date is that TS is at least 2 inches taller then everyone else. This could start to make things hard as people will think she’s older than she is and have unrealistic expectations of her.

Pets
Mowry is no longer with us. Last week he started jumping the fence. He’d jump over, he’d jump back, and he’d take off and jump back. Neighbors would return him, we’d tie him up, but he second he was untied he’d start in again. There was no obvious reason for his agitation. After several days of this I finally told DS to go ahead and take him to the pound. I was scared he was going to get hit by a car (neighbors reported seeing him walking down the sidewalk on the busy street by our house). We filled out paperwork on him and made it clear that he’s a great dog, but quite the escape artist. We also made sure they knew he had issues with containment, so hopefully that will help in their treatment of him. That’s all you’ll hear about it from me, it makes me really sad to think about.

On an up note, Merit is MUCH HAPPIER. She’s getting to hang out with us much more and I’m seeing a side to her personality that hasn’t been around for a while. I feel bad that she’s been so unhappy for so long. There is a level of tension that has been lifted, so ultimately it was the best decision for us as a family.


Extended Family
My FIL visited for the weekend. DS called & invited him to go to the KU games with him, so he flew out Thursday and is flying home as I write. It was actually a really great visit. He babysat for us on Friday while we went to a wine tasting fund raiser. He got much closer to both the girls and it was really good for all of them. My MIL is a bit overpowering when it comes to the grandkids and tends not to let him do much. After watching them Friday night which included dinner and bedtime, he was gung ho to take on anything. I told him I thought this was a really neat visit for both him and the girls. TS was demanding stories and walks from him on Friday (they took 3 walks). It was really good.

Ok, I guess I need to do some actual work today. More later.

It'll have to be Love Friday. A practice in being grateful.

I’m finding that I’m having trouble being grateful the last couple days. I’m so overwhelmed with everything that I’m having trouble getting past just “get it done”. My mom is still really sick so the girls have been in daycare/school all week. My back/leg thing is not improving. If anything it seems like I’ve taken a step or two backward. My PT thinks my daily activities (read: picking up a baby) are causing me to re-injure myself constantly. I jinx myself by posting that my b00bs hurt, cause I now have a very large (the entire top half of my right side) very painful clogged duct. I complained that they hurt and they decided to show me what a painful b00b was. I think the clogged duct is caused by stress. And work has finally started to get fed up with my schedule.

I feel like I’m trying to do everything for everyone and doing none of it well.

In an effort to try and make this more then a whining session and actually turn it into something positive I’m going to take each item and write a (possible) solution to it. At least I’ll have a goal to word toward and maybe I won’t feel so overwhelmed.


Girls in Daycare
I need to suck it up and BE GRATEFUL over this one. I’m lucky/grateful that I’ve found an (fairly) affordable place that meets the needs of both my girls, is close by and allows me to do “drop in”. Not to mention that they adore my children and give them lots of love and a safe place to play with good friend.

Back/Sciatica
I contacted my orthopedic doctor yesterday, as he told me to call if things had not improved in a month. (Plus I’m almost out of vicodin and night before last there was no sleeping without a pain pill.) He’s concerned, but feels that we’re on the right track with PT. “Ultimately PT is the thing that will get me better in the long run.” For the pain he gave me the name of a doctor who can do an epidural of cortisone. Maybe then I’ll get some relief. He gave me another prescription for pain pills with a refill. I’m lucky/grateful that I have supportive medical professionals working with me to try and fix this. I’m also grateful to have really good insurance coverage which allows me to go to whomever I need to in order to get this resolved.

Clogged Duct
I’m already doing everything I can for this; pumping/feeding every two hours. A warm shower and a good long feed by BS will probably be the thing that knocks it out completely. I should be grateful for this in that it’s a sign that my milk supply is taking it up a notch, my body would just prefer it to be more gradual. (I have a theory that I have really fatty milk or really small ducts or probably both.) Once this has pasted there’s a good chance I will get getting much more milk for BS.

Work has had enough of my schedule
I am very grateful that work has been so supportive about all of this so far. Part of the problem is that my PT only works when her youngest is in school (M/W/F, 9-1) so I end up missing some work to get in appointments. Work feels like I work part-time so I should take care of this stuff during my time off (even though I have the sick days and vacation to take off). My mom wants her time off, and feels that if I’m not at work I should be watching my own kids. This complicates things. Even if I get another PT that can see me during my days off, I don’t have babysitting at that time. I’m stuck on this one. I can pursue another PT, but I’ll still have a scheduling problem. I guess the answer would be to see if I can find a PT who works evenings and/or weekends when DS is home. Ok, I’m working on this one and I’m grateful for the resources I do have (work, DS, mom).

This has gotten really, really long, and I’m super impressed if you’re still reading, so a few other things I have to be grateful for:

My kids are really good about going to daycare/school. Not a lot of stranger anxiety or whiny/crying, etc….The teacher comment all the time about how happy BS is, there are a couple babies there who never. stop. crying. EVER.

My husband has been super supportive through all of this. More often then not these days he walks through door and I hand him kids and collapse from exhaustion on the couch. Beside entertaining kids, he will pick up whatever slack I need that night; making dinner, dishes, bathes, folding laundry, etc…he has not complained once.

While my mom gives me no end of grief about my housekeeping (which there is nothing wrong with BTW—I’m not a germphobe like Antique Mommy, but we aren’t filthy, dirty either) I am grateful to have her help with my girls. She comes over in the morning and picks up whatever slack there is, gets TS off to school and BS bathes, fed and clothed. In the meantime she usually does some laundry & light housekeeping for me. For. Free.

Ok, I’m working on adjusting my attitude. And I’m off to try and find a babysitter for BS during my PT appointment tomorrow.

New Year, not a new drill

Unfortunately I have not been MIA because I was having a great vacation off. I WISH it was something like that.

For starters, my G’ma died on Christmas Eve day—Merry Christmas! In the end, it was actually the type of situation when you deem death a “blessing”. In the two weeks she stayed with my parents she went from walking with a walker into their house, to being completely bedridden and requiring a catheter. My understanding is that my dad, mom, aunt were in the room with her and the hospice nurse having a conversation about medication, in the middle of the conversation she closed her eyes and went to sleep. My mom said she started to turn grey and you realized that she was dying, not sleeping. “It was very peaceful.” When my mom called me to tell me I already knew. As soon as the phone rang I knew why they were calling. Weird I know. I wasn’t upset at all. In fact I felt bad that I didn’t feel more about the whole thing. But you can’t fake those kinds of emotions. I feel bad for my dad and my aunt who were closest to her. I try not to think too much about my parents dying because that upsets me and being a mom now puts a new spin on the whole deal. Ultimately the whole death thing is upsetting for the living, but for the dead it’s either all good or you don’t care because you aren’t anymore right? So I guess there’s no reason to dwell on it. The upside is that my mom’s imminent nervous breakdown was halted and she’s more or less back to “normal.” We’ve been having the “death” and “heaven” talk with TS over all of this. She’s the type of kid who has lots of questions and has not disappointed on this subject as well. I have some good blog fodder from this for sure. Later this week.

The last entry mentioned my back killing me; well it’s actually a problem with my sciatica which popped up on the 18th and has been getting progressively worse. I’ve been trying to get into a doctor for over a week now, but with the holidays I couldn’t see anyone till later today. They did give me a prescription for vicodin over the phone (that’s how much they weren’t seeing anyone, just handing out prescriptions over the phone. Should’ve asked for something really crazy.) Yesterday, I was finally able to actually speak with my own doctor who has me taking mega doses of ibuprofen. (Something I wasn’t doing because I’m nursing BS, which complicates the whole deal.) I’ve been to acupuncture twice this last week, hopefully there is something they can do (like a steroid shot) that will give me immediate relief. Today is my first day off the vicodin in a week. My pain is down the back of my right leg. My right foot has been asleep (pins and needles) for a couple weeks now. I feel like such an old lady, I’m gimping around bitching about “my sciatica”, next it’ll be my dentures. I haven’t been able to sit at the computer for very long in the last couple weeks, thus the lack of a post. I’m back at work today where I actually seem to have the best luck. I have an ergonomic chair that was measured for me so I think that’s why I seem to do best here.

Christmas was fun. TS was a blast and so was BS. I have pix to share and lots of good stories. TS got her bike from Santa and her “Hello Kitty Camera” from mom and dad. So she was happy. Her favorite present is by far her Ariel Talking Vanity Table and especially the “grooming set” given by my brother’s family. The necklace on this set is Ariel’s voice singing from the movie. It wins the “annoying toy” contest hands down. BS’s favorite toys were the boxes, tissue paper, empty water bottles and packages of wipes. Oh, and she does really dig her new activity table from Santa. This “quick little update” is way longer then I expected (as usual). So I’ll go now and write more later. Happy New Year.

HoliDAZE!

So things are super busy right now. The girls have managed to stay well for a whole week now, so that’s a plus.

Not only did TS get up on stage & sing for her X-mas pageant, but she smiled and did all the hand movements. You could even hear her singing! It was really cute & fun.

I am frantically trying to get things done for X-mas. I have these scrapbooks I make for the grandparents every year. I do a page a month for each girl. It was not as big of a deal when there was one child, but I doubled my workload this year. And since I’ve been overwhelmed (because of said double workload, i.e.--second child) I haven’t really been cropping so much. Like since July. So ideally I’m doing these two pages every month & it’s no big deal, realistically I’ve got 8 pages to finish in the next 5 days. I had more, but I’m working on a page a night & as long as I do that, they’ll be done in time. I also need to finish sewing BS’s X-mas stocking, but I have a few extra days to do that, so scrapbooks first! "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas..."

On another note, my grandmother is dying from cancer and has moved in with my parents as of last Tuesday. (This was decided on the Saturday before, so it’s a bit sudden.) She’s had this for like 10 years, they’ve put it into remission 3 times and this time she decided she’s 90 & she’s tired, so they aren’t treating it. This is my father’s mother & truth be told, she’s never been the nicest person on the face of the earth. She isn’t fond of kids at all & made that very clear to us when we were kids. Now that we’re adults she allows us to do stuff for her, so I wouldn’t say I’m exactly all broken up over this. I mean I feel bad for her and I don’t wish her ill or anything, but I’m not torn up over it. The reason I’m telling you is mostly cause it’s really flipping my mom out. She’s NEVER been especially nice to my mom and now my mom is stuck caring for her in her own house. (I suppose based on my mom’s treatment of me at times one could argue this is Karma. However, my mom is always well intended, just poorly executed at times. My grandma; not always so well intended.) Since my mom watches my kids this affects me in a big way. It also affects me because when my mom freaks out she takes it out on everyone else, especially me. So guess what’s been going on lately? No real details on it today, but I’m sure you’ll get some before it’s over so I figured I’d mention it.

My last Major stressor these days (and it’s big one) is that I’m having problems with my milk supply. Considering what an issue it’s become I’m kinda surprised I haven’t written about it sooner. Since “Aunt Flo” came to visit my milk supply cut literally in half like in a day. However, my daughter has not cut her appetite in half, so now that we’ve worked our way through my back up supply of milk I have a bit of a conundrum. We have found that she can’t seem to tolerate formula. She empties the contents of her stomach when drinking it. It’s scary & awful. I talked to her GI doctor who first gave some formula which is more broken down; got the same result. So he suggested soy; I can’t get her to drink it. I tried putting it into her cereal, but she gagged on it, wouldn’t have anything to do with it. So I’ve been taking fenugreek to try and increase my supply. Nothing yet. The doctor said if the soy doesn’t work he wants to do an allergy work up on her. I guess if it’s not one thing it’s another.

Oh, and to keep the party hopping my in-laws arrive Saturday. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Happy Holidaze!