Well Hello There....

I've been thinking about writing again.  I just read my last post. February two years ago & I had an almost identical conversation with my shrink today. And to be honest, it's almost more than I can take.  The reason I have for writing isn't about me or my kids.  But reading that post & realizing the spiral I've been on for YEARS now? I just want to make it all go away. You know.

I'm not sleeping.  Surprise!
Little is still dealing w/the same mean girls. Surprise!
I'm back to being depressed. Surprise.

I just learned that a fellow mom blogger has been diagnosed w/stage IV lung cancer.  It's moved into other parts of her body already.  She will not recover from this, she can manage it.  I'm not good friends with this blogger.  I'm not even FaceBook (FB) friends with her.  I probably read some of her stuff back in the day when I was at my blogging high point.  (i.e.-had a lot of readers  And, apparently, enough time to read blogs.  I really had no idea how busy this mom gig could get, damn!)  It just hit me so hard.  She's a single mom.  Dad is around.  But she can't work now & a mutual  (mom blogger,) friend is organizing fundraisers for her. I'm not naming her because 1) it's not my story and 2) her kids don't know yet.

Her kids.

Her story, right now, is every, single mothers' worst nightmare.

I'm sure it's because of my lack of sleep & depression (& a medical procedure I had this week, that I'm still "recovering" from,) so I'm feeling sensitive to this type of thing in particular.  I just can't right now.  All I know is that I'm hurting for her.  And for her kids.  I feel guilt for bitching when nothing I'm dealing with is terminal.  For having the audacity to complain at all about my health.  No, I don't look sick.  (And FAT or overweight doesn't look sick.  Regardless if it is the way you happen to look sick.  Obviously, this is still how I look sick & it bothers me a lot, still.)  No, I'm NOT going to die from this stuff, (at least not as a direct result, in the near future.)

How dare I complain about the way in which I get to participate in my kids' lives.
How dare I bitch about money issues or lack of energy or sleep or my weight.
All of those things mean I'm still here & I'm still participating.  For better or worse, my kids know I'm here & doing my best to raise them into the best adults I know how to help them be.

I'm sorry.  Do me a favor.  Pray for her.  And for all the other friends I have in my feed who are dealing with cancer.  Pray for their families.  And pray that they can find peace.   Isn't that what we all really need, peace?

Dark Clouds, Silver-ish Linings

It's been crazy, as usual.  But new crazy.  I've been struggling with sleep since Thanksgiving.  Yeah, 3 months now.  I don't sleep AT ALL for 2-3 nights, then on the 3rd or 4th night I pass out exhausted.  So that's been a bit draining.  (Ya think?)  My endocrinologist is messing with my drug cocktail.  We've established that both the T4 & T3 hormones for Hashimoto's actually do help me.  I'll be back on both as of tomorrow, so I've got a week of build up until we can try something else.  In other words, same shit, different day.  *sigh*

Things with Little have been rough.

Her speech and learning issues are giving her some trouble.  She's okay, but she's having to work really hard to be okay. She brings stuff home and I help her.  Ultimately she's fine, she just needs extra help getting started or staying focused.  And if she perceives she can't do it, it's meltdown city.  I then spend a lot of time walking her through the work.  This will be for multiple assignments until her confidence has been restored.  So that's school work.

The really hard part has been that she's being bullied.  The bullying is mean girl stuff.  It's manipulative, under the radar, nastiness being done by girls who are supposedly her friends.  Every day she comes home and declares if she had a "good day or a bad day."  That report is directly related to how these girls have treated her that day.  On a positive note, she's gotten very skilled in what to do in negative social situations. Probably more skilled than a lot of adults.  That's the only positive thing I can say about it. Things are so bad, that when she goes off & does other activities during recess, like kickball, they will give her a hard time for doing something else! They'll hassle her because she was playing kickball instead of being abused hanging out with them.  It's bad. It's like, she moves away from them because they're jerks to her, but then they seek her out, SO THEY CAN BE JERKS TO HER, about her staying away! Her frustration and meltdowns are high, (mine too, can you tell?) By the end of the week her fuse is so short, you can pretty much get a meltdown from walking into the same room as her.  Honestly, she's doing an amazing job in a really hard situation.  All of her meltdowns are at home.  She holds it together in pubic.  No one knows about the girl she can be at home.  In relation to this, we started her in a 'social group' at her therapy group week before last.  It's with other girls like her; similar issues with sensory, flexible thinking, etc...  They work on how to deal with social conflicts.  They've giving the girls a virtual tool box to draw from when they're feeling bad. (Colors/codes to identify how they feel.  Things to do when feeling that way.)  Couple nights ago,  she built a "real" box of tools.  She did this because she was trying to chill from what we think is an anxiety attack.  (Yeah, it's that bad.)  So, she's embracing the ideas they're giving her and really trying.  She likes it, and the girls a lot, so at least it's something that's making her happy, right?

Lastly, I've got the school testing her for her learning disabilities.  It's becoming obvious that many of these things are not going to be "resolved."  At least, not any time soon.  I'm concerned that she will run into a teacher who isn't supportive of what (extra things,) she needs in her environment to be successful.  Beside the fact that the school should be paying for some of these services, I want them to have their own documentation on her.  If we do run into that educator, the one who isn't inclined to support her extra needs, I don't want to be starting from scratch with them, on getting her help.  We have an official IEP meeting scheduled for March. I'm terrified. IEP is the real deal.  I'm scared they're going to say she doesn't have needs that I know she has and then refuse to help her. I'm scared, I'll piss off the wrong person, (or already have, knowing me,) and that will impact how they treat her.  And a part of me is scared of hearing of the things she does have, giving a real name to them.  It's like her sensory defensiveness, we knew she had a sensory issue, we just didn't realize it was a full blown thing.  We chalked a lot up to personality.  When I learned it had a name & symptoms that she quite obviously fell into, I could not have felt more guilty.  There were tools and techniques we could have been using to help her, and we hadn't even considered them.  I suspect, there is more of that on the horizon for us.

Alright, that's enough of an update for now.  I've been putting off putting this stuff into words.  The bullying & my ongoing health issues drain me enough.  Writing about & thus reliving them, doesn't improve that.  It's not all doom & gloom.  Little is still Little, there's no holding that kid back. She has lots of high points too.  She fun and funny and crazy, like always.   And Big is in her 5th grade year.  Last year of elementary school.  (Also, I don't want to talk about, because I'm in denial  that she's so freaking OLD already!) There's been a lot of great, fun things going on with her too.  I'll try to get back on here in the next week to give you all some more of the positive stuff.  (And hopefully report that I'm sleeping again.)

My Little Hexagon

You must laugh when you see that I've posted.  Knowing, there will be an onslaught of excuses related to my absence.  And, while they're good ones, they are still, just excuses.  We're on the very end of summer vacation.  I'll do my best to be short in bringing you up to date.

Big's issues have been in a holding pattern.  I'm not sure she was completely truthful about no longer pulling out her eyebrow/lashes, at the beginning.  But they do seem to be growing back nicely now.  She's had the opportunity to have several play dates with friends this summer.  I think that's helped a lot.  We had a few nights last week, in which it was just her and I.  The first night we went to dinner, sushi, her choice.  And dessert, gelato.  It was nice for both of us to just hang out and be mellow.  I know she loved that the whole night was about her.  I told her she could invite a friend to sleep over the next night.  They jumped on the trampoline w/the sprinklers on them, put together a craft, (related to horses, of course) and then made pizzas for dinner.  I told them as long as they kept it to a low hum they could stay up as late as they wanted, (11-ish).  It was way more relaxing than I can relate.  She is still seeing therapist.  Just this week, her therapist indicated that maybe she didn't need to come every week, "she's doing so well."  I asked to keep things, "as is," at least until October.  There is so much that can change once school starts.  I really, really hope at least one of the friends we've been seeing all summer is in her class.  (Say a little prayer for us both, ok?)

I guess Little is also in a holding pattern.  Summer has been hard.  Her friend base was messed up by the end of last year. (Long story.) She has been dying for her turn at play dates and sleep overs, but her friends just haven't been as available.  Daddy and I are doing our best to create lots of "special Little time."  My fingers are crossed for her this school year too.  I really, really hope there is a girl in her class this year that she can really bond with.  Someone, who is sweet, isn't a bully or a mean girl, and doesn't idolize her older sister when she comes over to play.  (I know, it's a tall order.)  As far as Little's "learning issues" go.  It's hard to say.  The distraction thing is huge for her.  We read and do homework every day.  If there's no real distractions, she's great.  I feel really confident about her doing well this year.  BUT, if there are distractions? Forget it.  Her ability to ignore, is so poor.  I just don't see how she can learn anything in a classroom with other kids in it.  I'm so worried about her. 

On top of everything else, Daddy went out of town last week.  Her ability to hold it together was awful.  It was all those stories about her "spirited personality" rolled up together and put on steroids.  I swear I have PTSD from it.  I think Daddy thought I was going to drop them off at home, (from the airport,) and keep driving.  I can't say it didn't cross my mind.  I'm sure it was because Daddy was away, and school is about to start.  She's overwhelmed and doesn't know how to burn it off constructively.  In the meantime, we all suffer with her.

I'm not really doing all that well.  I have a laundry list of things I'm unhappy about, but what it comes down to is, that  I'm really afraid I'm not doing right by either of my kids.  Most especially Little.  I feel like there's more than just the sensory thing going on there.  Last week, she would get so mad and frustrated.  At one point, she started to swing to him me.  She realized what she was doing & turned herself so she hit the couch instead of me.  But when she starts having impulse control issues, it makes me think there's more going on.  I'm at a loss of what to do to help her.  If I am doing the right things to help her, it sure doesn't feel like it.  I'm overwhelmed with worry and emotion and I feel like I have no where to vent.  She's not bad enough to qualify for state help, but not good enough so that she keeps up on her own.  She's not a square peg or a round hole.  She's a hexagon in a rectangle world.  :-( 

Update on the Update

 This was written in April.  I considered re-writing it to a more timely post (where we are now,) but I figured between this and the post before it, you get a pretty good idea of where we all are right now.  Summer vacation has changed things up a bit.  And while, life in general seems to be calmer, I suspect we won't know if any of the things we're doing to help our girls is working until a few weeks after school starts.  If there are helping, I suspect there will be a new set of issues to keep us on our toes.  The silver lining, I guess, is that you, lucky reader, have tons of blog fodder just waiting to be written, so you can read it.  So, um, yeah.   

Short story long, we had Little tested.  She has some speech issues, most of which are something that would normally be addressed until later.  (IOW, she has be older to be considered "delayed" in those areas.)  But the big thing they found was that Little is a single processor.  (Means she can't really multi-task.  Doesn't mean she won't be able to, but right now she really needs to be able to focus on one thing at a time.)  She was also diagnosed with sensory defensiveness disorder.  This isn't really news to us.  We've said all along she has some sensory thing.  It's why she wants a dozen blankets on her at night, even when it's 105 outside.  It's why she used to completely lose her shit over wearing a seat-belt.  It's why she isn't a fan of cold things; even ice cream.  And why she feels pants and shoes, and most especially socks should always be optional, if required at all ever.  The combination of her sensory defensiveness & being a single processor is a large part of why she seems to be struggling at school.  She is easily distracted.  If anything at all commands her attention, then everything else is ignored.  There are some other issues; things that she can do, but isn't doing correctly.  She has acquired incredible coping mechanisms; and manages to use other muscle groups when the ones normally used aren't up to the task.  So, she is having to learn how to hold her pencil in a different way.  A part of her sensory defensiveness is that her sense of touch is messed up.  Some of her speech issues are because she doesn't feel her tongue the way most of us do.  So she can't make the 'R' sound because she doesn't feel if her tongue is in the right place.  The sense of touch thing also works the opposite way; she may not think something hurts the way you and I might.  BUT, if something does get her attention; say a hangnail, she becomes almost obsessive over it.  That's the single processing thing at work.  If it's irritating her, she can't just ignore it like you or I.  Additionally, she has trouble "resetting" herself.  When you get ready to do something different, your brain switches over to a new mode to accommodate the new activity.  This is especially true is you are going from something physical to something more mundane, or visa versa.  Little seems to have issues with self-regulation.  She needs to be "reset."  How a child "resets" or "organizes" themselves for a new activity has a lot to do w/the way in which your child learns best.  Different types of learners would include; visual, audio, etc...  Little is dependent on her proprioceptive system for learning.  She needs her muscles to "grease the wheels," so to speak, in order for her to retain and repeat things she's learned.  A classroom setting, isn't the best place for kids like her.  She's the type of kid, who you could shout out a list of items to while she's running & she can repeat them back to you.  Give her the same list while she's sitting on the floor or at a desk & not so much.   How does one fix this?  I don't know if you really fix it, so much as you try to find acceptable ways to help her reset/organize in a classroom setting.  We have been working with a sensory diet; lots of gum chewing. And have been utilizing "brushing."  I do think they both are helping, but they aren't completely resolving her issues.  We're at a place now, where she is "holding it together at school," but when she gets home, she completely loses her shit.  This part has been hard.  For several months, Little has attended school w/the early &  late birds; thus having a 4 hour day, instead of a 3 hour one.  At home, we've been working our butts off to help her; repetition, games, songs, etc... And she seems to be caught up now.  Her teacher suggested that after Spring Break, she should go back to a 3 hour day.  The problem is, she's not having issues at school, but she is having them at home.  I suspect after a month or so, of these 3 hour days, she will start to show signs of her problems again.  The mental part of this, is exhausting for her.  She wants so badly to "be & do good," she focuses all of her energy on it while at school.  (This is no small deal considering the kids in her class. That's a blog post in itself.)  When she gets home, she's shot.  She still has homework to do, so at some point, she acts out because she's overwhelmed & exhausted.  Yeah, it's been a bit rough.

Back in the Saddle

So I've been MIA for about a month here.  I actually wrote most of post about the stuff going on w/Little that I'm going to post here after this, but I wanted to address why I haven't posted.  At the end of the school year, Little's teacher & I got into it.  She felt that a question I asked her (via email,) was implying that I didn't approve of her way of teaching & choices in the classroom.  While, I don't think it was a big secret that I was disappointed about several things that were not done in Little's classroom, I did not ever complain to anyone outside of the classroom itself.  I had heard through the school grapevine, that Little's teacher & another one, had several complaints to the principal this year.  I suspect, she thought I was leading the witch hunt.  But, whatever, she sent me a severely snotty email, when I was asking if she she needed additional support on a subject.  Since I had just talked Little off the meltdown ledge for the second time that afternoon, her timing sucked.  I was freaking out about my kid being ready for next year and getting what she needed from the school.  I had offered to help, but instead saying, "no thank you," I was greeted w/accusations.  Her teacher made it into something about herself, when it always has been about my kid.

There was a meeting w/the the principal that ensued, and I'm sure I've somehow been labeled as "one of those moms," but eff them, I'm trying to make sure my kid is getting what she needs to be successful, and as I was seeing it, they were not doing that.  I was asked to step down as a room parent, (yes seriously,) and while I did write apology to the teacher explaining my state of mine at the time of my response, she never actually spoke or acknowledged me again.  (High school, much?)  I suspect that she was told not to by the administration.  But I'd be lying if I didn't admit it pissed me off that I worked my ass off for her all year and didn't even get a mention in the EOY thank you for help email. (After that, I decided that she could kiss my arce.  In my book, that was a total bitch maneuver.)

So the last couple of weeks were a bit more stressful than usual. (Ya think?)  And one day, last week of school I noticed that Big has no eyelashes.  My mom pointed out later that day that she has bald spots in her eyebrows.  At first, I thought they'd fallen out on their own.  I made the mistake of asking Dr. Google about that one.  After I got down w/my panic attack, I asked her if she's pulled them out herself or if they'd fallen out.  Turns out she'd done it.  It's called Trichotillomania and while some people who do it, do it absentmindedly, she goes into the bathroom and has been quite purposeful about it.  It's a compulsion, like nail biting or cutting.  And I'm terrified for her.  There have been a few recent episode of related to self-esteem issues that popped up at this time as well.  My guess is that she's picked up on the vibe of all the crap that was going down w/me and Little at the EOY & her anxiety came out this way.  I've talked w/her about it a few times, I don't want her to  know how scared I am for her.  When we've talked about it, I usually ask her a question about  it.  We'll talk about that part of it; like if you continue to do it, as some point they won't grow back.  And leave it at that.  I've asked her to come tell me when she feels like she needs to do it, and that I'll help her to try and find another way to address it.  And she's seeing a therapist now too.  Things seem to be going well on that front.  I suspect, she likes the fact that she she has something special that needs attention as well. I also think we won't really know how well things are going with her until school starts again. On Mondays, mom's carpool consists of taking Big to her appointment, then taking Little to her Occupational (OT) & Speech Therapy, (ST).  Then going back to get Big and driving back to get Little.  Yeah, it's a little hectic.
In all cases, neither of my kids is "bad enough" to qualify for help from the state.  So we are doing this all though private therapy groups.  As time moves on more and more, these groups won't deal directly w/the insurance companies.  We do have good insurance, 80-90% of this should be covered, but we have to pay upfront & submit the bills to be reimbursed.  (Good luck w/that.)  First round was kicked back bc they thought we had additional coverage from another company.  That has never been the case, so I can't imagine why they would think that.  That being said, we are outputting an additional $4K a month in doctors bills.  Yeah.  I try to keep a cushion in our bank account, but we actually almost bounced a couple payments this month.  So money is suddenly tight.
I realize that in the scope of things that couple be wrong w/my kids and our ability to deal deal with them, we are very lucky.  However, it the midst of all of this, it can be hard to be grateful.  I'm trying.  Someone needs to let my kids know that there is only one crisis allow at a time. I've been feeling very overwhelmed with all of this.  In my head, it was somehow less real if I didn't put it into words.  Last week, I was updating Big's therapist about some things via email & realized how cathartic it is for me to write it down.  As overwhelming, as it is to talk about it, it's  worse if I don't.  So now you're back up to speed more of less.  And hopefully, I'll be writing much more again.  I've missed you interwebs.  ;-)

Say What?...

 I wrote the following in the beginning of November.  I wanted to have a little more information about what was happening before I posted this.  Thing was, life happened; the holidays, etc... And this topic snowballed on us.  I'm finally coming up for air.  I debated about discussing this at all.  It's not my topic to discuss, really.  But, so much of my life has been consumed by this, if I intend to keep blogging I need to talk about it.  So, I'm going to post this now, so you can catch up to why my attendance on the interwebs has been so spotty.  I also think you should know, I'm sharing this from my perspective. My daughter's issues are not unique or earth shattering, but they have consumed us to a large degree these last several months.  I'm walking a fine line, trying to find our new "normal." Hang w/me & be patient, I can sure use the support...

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You might remember that LittleSpeak, (Little,) started kindergarten this year.  Or you may have been living under a rock.  ;-)  She's very pleased that she's finally at the same school as her sister.  While she's still somewhat annoyed that she doesn't get to have lunch or recess with the big kids, it's a start.  I also think she likes having a couple hours of mommy to herself every day still too.   Now, back in my day, kindergarten was more about learning social skills, art, music and your letters.  (Yeah, I'm old, I get it.)  At some point in the last 35 years, or so, kindergarten has become really focused on reading.  Yeah, there are kids who haven't had a bit of pre-school and don't know their alphabet, but by March they are ALL reading.  BigSpeak's class included.
I've previously mentioned that several members of my family has had learning disabilities, myself included.  Some were/are quite obvious; I can't spell phonetically, because I can't hear the difference between certain sounds.  I do have an impressive memory, which is how I managed this little problem.  Every word I know how to spell is from memory.  Spell check would've made my life much easier, but I was born w/the dinosaurs, so yeah that.  I had a few other issues, but that's the one that still plagues me.  Some of the issues other family members have dealt with were not as obvious, but could quite easily delay your ability to move forward in school.  Those of us who have been affected, have developed coping mechanisms and/or have gotten help.  With that in mind, there have been a few clues that Little may have an "issue" or two in this area.  We were actually going to have her tested last year, but decided to wait till after the holidays and then the thing that was making me wonder, (blended sounds, or her lack of ability with them, at all,)  seemed like it might be resolving itself.  We decided to wait and see if just being in kindergarten would work things out.  If you know Little, she is not going to do anything unless she decides to do it.  She wasn't all that inclined to write her letters or really be read to before this school year, but I knew when her kindergarten teacher told her she needed to do it, she would.  (She has loved to "read" for a long time, but she wants to do it herself.  So will sit in her bed "reading" or looking at the pictures.  There's merit to this type of reading too.)

A few weeks ago, Little told me she went w/Mrs. S, (teacher's aide,) and the reading group that day.  She was very pleased that she had been picked to go.  I know from Big's last several years that Mrs. S is the aide who comes into the class and works with kids who are having trouble keeping up, specifically in reading.   I was a bit surprised when Little told me, and thought maybe Mrs. S works w/other groups of children as well.  I asked Little who else was in her group and the names she gave me were the kids who were behind in reading skills. And suddenly, red lights were flashing in my brain.  Uh, oh.  The next morning at drop-off, Little's teacher mentioned that she had not gotten to tell me that she'd sent Little w/the reading group, I told her Little had mentioned it and I would send her an email.  "We need to talk." I covered the family history and previous concerns we've had w/Little & mentioned that I realize she won't even qualify to be tested at the school.  (Your kid has to have some pretty major issues for the school to instigate the testing.)  But that we also know that if there are problems the sooner we address them the better.  Little's teacher immediately called me back & asked for a conference before school the next day.  (Now, I had red lights & sirens going off in my head.)...

The conference detailed that Little supposedly only knew 4 letters/sounds, (not true, she has 5 letters in her name, and I know she knows them.) She didn't know her sight words, (also news to me, she seems to know them at home).  She was having a really hard time staying focused, not just because she was busy paying attention to everyone else; but also when they were sitting on the floor discussing things on the board.  She would "tune-out." (That doesn't sound like Little AT ALL.)  I shared our family history and more details of issues for which we were concerned.  (Speech related stuff.) "She's too articulate and social to qualify to even be tested by the school."  Yeah, that's the crock of shite I was handed.  So we had her tested privately.  I'll detail that part of the adventure next.

Mean (Little) Girls...and Boys

We're into our 4th week of school, (I think).  Things seem to be going well.  BigSpeak really likes her teacher, as expected.  LittleSpeak is thriving.  And, knock on wood, but I seem to be doing pretty well.  My cocktail of meds seems about right.  I have small set backs; Big was home sick all of last week, and DaddySpeak was out of town for work, but I didn't collapse.  I had to scale back a bit this week to recover, but I seem to be doing well.  I feel like we're finally thriving, instead of just surviving.  It's a nice feeling.  I hope it lasts. 
One thing that's new is the stories Little has been coming home from school with every day.  At first I thought she was embellishing, as she's prone to do.  But as the days pass, and each day I get a similar tale, I'm starting to think maybe most of it is true.  Little's class seems to have an awful lot of chiefs and almost no Indians. Everyday she comes home with a story of how E told K she can't be in their club-du-jour.  Or how D threw his blocks at the teacher when she told him it was time to clean up.  Every day I hear how A told the teacher, he "hates school and the rules." 

What the heck???  Who are these kids???

I'm not sure if it's because this grade has a lot of siblings or if we're just paying more attention, but none of that type of stuff EVER came up in Big's class.  They were what you would expect of five year old boys and girls.  They were mostly sweet and very young.  This group?  These kids are like five going on fifteen.  

Little tells me these stories, pointing out, of course, how she isn't the perpetrator in any of these cases.  I fear, in fact, that she's one of the "good" kids. Which is really kinda scary for her teacher.  We know how strong-willed Little can be, and I think she might not hold a candle to some of these kids.  In fact, she has been a "victim" of the Mean Girls on more than one occasion.  (I've witnessed it going on during Big kid pick up.)  When I saw it happening to her, I wasn't entirely surprised.  The major culprit is a neighbor and Little and her are "hot & cold."  They're either the best of buds, or ready to go to blows.  Honestly, I'm not that crazy about this other girl, but Little seems to hold her own, so I'm going along for now.  The last time I saw the Mean Girl action occurring, I called her over and confirmed what I was seeing.  ("E says I can't be in their club because all their shoes flash and mine don't. It hurts my feelings.")  Little doesn't take it lying down either.  She gets all up in E's face, points her finger and tells her off.  And while her feelings are hurt, she doesn't turn into a puddle AT ALL.  But, anyone's self-esteem is going to take a hit at some point, so last time I saw this and called her over, this was our conversation?

"Ummm, yeah.  Little, first of all, there are NO CLUBS at school.  The only clubs that exist are ones that ANYONE can be in.  If they exclude someone, then that's not fair, or nice and it's a form of bullying.  There is NO Bullying allowed at school." 
"Also, E is not your firend."

Yeah she is mommy. And I want to play pink pony tag." (Or whatever crap they're into that day.)

"No Little, she's not.  A friend doesn't put conditions on being included.  A friend doesn't care if you have flashing shoes, or any shoes for that matter.  A friend, sees you have different shoes, and either points out how it's cool you're different.  Or suggests everyone take of their shoes, and be equal.  When she talks to you like that she's not being your friend.  Tell her you want to play, but not if she's going to be mean.  Then walk away and find someone who is a friend." 


They're FIVE!  It's gonna be a long year is all I'm saying.

Hello, I'm still here

Hellloooo!!!

I'm still alive! Things are...well, things mostly just are, that's all. I'm very day-to-day. I overdid Satuday & spent Sunday on pain pills in bed. Last two days have not been stellar; mostly waiting for DaddySpeak to get home so I can take a pain pill. Each day's a bit better than the next, until it's not. In the meantime, we had a softball season; BigSpeak's team came in 2nd overall! The outlaws came for a 2 week visit, during which LittleSpeak turned 5! (Christ-on-a-Cracker! How the heck did that happen???) and Big made her First Communion. This week Big turned 8!!! (I don't understand how these children are so big all the sudden!) (Also, you may have noticed, Big got 12" cut off her hair.) Today, is DaddySpeak & I's 10th anniversary. Woot! No, I don't know why he hasn't gone out for cigarettes, even though he doesn't smoke. I'm extremely thankful and lucky that he hasn't.
I know I haven't written in so long; it's just that I have really bad days and when I have moments (and that's all they are,) of ability to do something (laundry! dishes! my life is overflowing with excitement, no?) I tend to try and do stuff for the kids, instead of something for me. I have this sense that I'm failing my kids, but to date, I've only missed 2 of Big's games. I'm struggling not to let my Fibro be the thing that holds us back. I feel it, but so far I think they don't. They know I'm not well. They know mommy gets really grouchy sometimes (pain related). Overall, I don't think they feel much different about their living situation then their other friends.
So Hi! My doctor feels my meds are the right cocktail at the right times and it's just a matter of 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. It's really slow, but it is moving in a forward direction. Each of those things I mentioned deserved a post of it's own. Maybe they'll be forthcoming in the future (I can re-purpose scrapbook pages for those events. ;-) I'm nothing if not resourceful!
I think I'm at the top of this hill (knock on wood,) or at least, close to it. I'm hoping that I'm about to be on the downward slope soon.

And then I stepped in it....

I haven't really had the energy to write about my doctor's appointment, mostly because there really isn't anything new to report. I'll tell you more when there's more to tell. Basically, it went well, let's just leave it at that. So onto what that title is about...

My kids are on Spring Break this week. That's, at least part of, why, I haven't had the extra energy to write. Especially considering there really wasn't anything to write. Been doing my best to keep them busy and out of trouble. Simultaneously, trying not to overdo it. Blah, blah, blah...the usual blather I've been putting out lately.

Before I tell you what happened, I guess I need to provide a small amount of backstory here;

My brother's family is moving out of Silicon Valley. (Don't even get me started on my mom's reaction to this, to say she's not happy would be an understatement. She has trouble with change.) It's not my story to tell, so the long and short of it is this; they decided before things got any tighter, (budget-cuts,) they wanted to get into a smaller house payment. (No, they weren't having money problems! They just saw what was happening with public workers and did the long term math. They are being pro-active. I'm not making any kind of declaration about their financial situation; they are fine. They just want to stay that way.) They did some research and found an area they could better afford, with decent schools and from which they could still commute. That's the basics of it. They put their house on the market and it sold in like a week. Right now, most homes here are taking about 2 months to sell. They weren't entirely ready to move; read; kids are still in school. In the interim, they are living with my parents. It's temporary, and it was planned out. But it's obviously not the norm for my family. So that's your back story. My brother's family has recently moved in with my parents.

I think I mentioned a time or two before, that my mom and I have our issues. That many times those issues seem to be more about what she'd like to say to my brother or Sister-In-Law (SIL,) but instead says to me.

As I'm writing this, I do realize that I'm now probably putting my other foot into it as well. At least, if my mom were to read this, I'm putting my other foot in it. She insists she does not, so I guess I'll know for sure soon enough. But, I've mentioned before, this is my blog, for me, so that I might vent and not entirely lose my mind or eat my young.

With my brother's family in her house, I hear everything is hunky-dory, but I suspect everyone is trying very hard to be nice and, perhaps, walking on eggshells a bit. I don't know that, like I said, everyone seems to be in agreement that all is good. What I do know is that my mom has ratcheted up her comments to me as of late. I haven't really been tracking this or anything, but my guess is that it started around the time they started getting the house ready for them to move in. I could just be sensitive, certainly wouldn't have been the first time that happened, but that's my guess. It may also be because, when you come right down to it, my mom doesn't really accept that I have Fibromyalgia, (FM). She would deny that. I think she wants to believe, but the reality is that she just doesn't, and her actions speak very loudly to that. Since my FM has recently really turned itself up, her uncomfortableness with it, might also be the reason her comments have been surfacing more often. Who knows, maybe it's because Venus is in her moon phase. My point is, and I do have one, regardless of the reason, I feel, that my mom has started in on me again as of late.

Example: a few days ago, my mom watched the girls while I went to the doctor. In the middle of small talk, she asks me if the Christmas stuff was still on the dining room table,
(I have 1-2 boxes I'm working on getting completely put away. It's how things work when you have something like FM. You do what you can, when you can, and you try not to stress about the rest. No, my poor children haven't been deprived of other holidays. We have decorated for other holidays, the dining room has just become a Christmas staging area. I agree, I probably should purge some of the Christmas, I'm actually working on that. Different post, for another time.)
So, my answer is, "Yes, it's still out."
"Well, that's ridiculous, there's no reason you can't have had that put away by now." No, I didn't tape her, but that's pretty close to a verbatim quote.

So, now you get what I mean when I say she's started in on me. That little exchange is typical of what happens between us. It's a little dance we do. The whole conversation will be moving along about the kids and whatnot, and she'll throw a little jab in there like that. When I've been dealing with it for a while, I'm better at not engaging her. Right now, I'm out of practice. Not to mention, my defenses are down, because I'm so tired, in pain, etc... If you're still reading this, you are a real trooper, or need to get a hobby. Oh hey, maybe reading blogs is your hobby! Good for you! Because It's taking me this long to get to the story this whole post is supposed to be about. I've never claimed to be short winded.

The Start of the Actual Blog Post: (Cue trumpets!)

Today's event, for Spring Break, was supposed to be at a park w/a dozen or so other families from school. Everyone brings lunch and we have a picnic and let the kids burn some energy. It rained this morning, of course. But, I had a backup plan! We took the girls to movies. You may remember that movie going with BigSpeak, (Big,) has not had great success in the past. But it was raining, and we went to see Hop. It's about the Easter Bunny, how scary could it be? I asked my mom if she wanted to go, partly because I knew she wanted me to ask her, and partly because I knew it would be easier with the two girls, if things did not go well. (They were mostly fine, BTW.) Movie, was all good. We had one little mishap w/candy that G'ma let them pick out, but that was all. (Big picked out "sticky candy," she shouldn't have with her braces. It wasn't a big deal.) My mom got very testy w/me about it on the drive home to drop her off. Told me I should've bought her the candy, if it mattered that much. This was only because she was trying to tell me it was fine for Big to have it once in a while, in front of Big. (It's not. Trust me, I know this because we let her do it once and luckily were able to fix it on our own.) I wasn't criticizing her choice, it was when she told me in front of my kid that it was OK for her to have it, that I said, "Actually, no it's not." That's when she got all testy with me. But that's not the story, it just helps you understand my state of mind. I was tired, and at this point now, a bit testy myself. I got home about 3:30, and the girls wanted lunch, so I made them a late lunch. (They'd had a very large late breakfast.) Then LittleSpeak, (Little) got mad about something, and got in trouble for talking back. I was tired, so I vented. I vented publicly on a "social networking" site. (You just had your "aha moment," didn't you?) All I said, was that, this day was not going down as my favorite day of being a mom. I immediately got several comments from other moms and dads. It was actually kind of funny how quickly so many people were having the same kind of day. One mom suggested it might be the rain. Another told me I should've pawned them off on the G'parents, like her. There were some other things in there, so I quickly wrote into my own comments and replied to them. In my reply, I mentioned to the mom who suggested G'parents, that my kids were not the first grandkids, so the novelty was gone. Not one of my more stellar moments, I can assure you. I did it without thinking and hit enter.

Tonight, I got a text from my mom about it. She was less than pleased. I debated about how to answer her; I don't want to add fuel to the fire, but I felt that my comment, while ill-advised, was defensible. Should I do this via text? Call her? I finally decided to text her back, I felt calling her would be escalating it and potentially turning it into something bigger. I wrote her back and said, "When I ask for help with my kids, because they are a handful, and I say that is why I would like the help. I'm usually told too bad." Good or bad, that's the truth. I have been told "no" more than once, because they are a lot of work. They are a lot of work. I know that. That's why I was asking for the help, right? My kids are a lot of work because they're younger, then their first grandkids, I get that. I also have a child who is, what some might call, "spirited." Let's just say, you don't leave her alone in a room with a pair of scissors; running is probably the best thing she'll do with them. When you get down to it, that basically what I meant by the comment. Obviously, it's not how she took it. She did not write me back. After half an hour, I wrote again and asked if she was mad at me. She answered that right away, "no." I decided to call it even and leave it alone.

I'm spending the day with her, my niece and my girls at an amusement park tomorrow. I'll let you know how that goes.

Anger

Yeah, I'm going through the 12 steps, maybe by the time I'm done, the Fibro will be gone? Wouldn't that be nice.

I'm angry about a lot of things. Who wouldn't be? There are the things I'm missing, which makes me angry; activities w/the kids for example. I'm angry w/being sick & feeling like crap all the time. I'm angry about having an illness that isn't understood and that some people don't believe in. What I'm most angry about is all the guilt I have associated with being angry. There's a huge part of me that feels like I'm not allowed to be angry. I don't understand it either. I didn't choose to be like this. I don't choose to miss out on those things. I often borrow spoons from the future, so I won't miss out, but in the choosing I'm losing other things and I often get mad or at least frustrated with all of it.

Last night, LittleSpeak came in about midnight, upset from a bad dream. I let her lay in bed w/us, which, of course, turned into sleeping with us. I don't do well w/either of the kids in our bed. I tend not to be able to get any real sleep (REM) when they're there because I stay somewhat aware of what they're doing. I did get a few hours, but at 3 AM I woke because she had me pinned w/one of her legs. (She was pretty much sideways.) I had to wake up DaddySpeak to take her back to her room. Again, my sleep wasn't great, which means when I woke up this morning, I was already starting the day minus spoons; I was hurting. Little (our alarm clock,) came in to get us (me) up. (Somehow Daddy seems to "sleep though" her little wake up visits every morning.) I had forgotten to set the alarm, so we were late. (Big has CCD on Sunday's before church.) I got up, got both girls dressed, fed and dropped off Big at CCD. Came home, set Little up w/a "movie" (cartoons) and unloaded the dishwasher. Daddy came down in sweats a few minutes before we needed to pick up Big. I left to pick her up, took her to the bookstore, (gift for a party was going to later,) got her home, wrapped her gift, redid her hair (braids for jumping, going to trampoline place,) and pulled up the waiver for the trampoline place. I'd done all of this before 10 AM and was hurting more & more as we went along. In the meantime, Daddy was sitting in the same place, watching basketball recaps from yesterday. (Yes, he'd already seen them before.) Note; we have two printers in this house. One is supposed to be wifi, but went off-line a few months ago & we haven't been able to get it back online since. The other is plugged into our computer upstairs. I had to go upstairs to pull up the waiver for the party & print it. Sounds easy, yes? Except, my husband has loaded all kinds of extra software on that computer and it constantly wants to be updated. There's a continuous stream of pop-ups appearing to ask you if you want to update. He has put so much crap on there, that I don't know what's legit & what isn't, so I don't feel comfortable saying yes to any of the updates. I've asked him multiple times, over several months, to fix this, but he has yet to do it. Because the pop-ups are running (or trying to,) it inevitably locks up the computer. It took me 20 mins to print that damn waiver. (It should've taken 2.) During all of this, the girls kept coming upstairs to ask me how to spell words (b-day card,) & where things were (wrapping & card making supplies.) Daddy was sitting 10 feet away from them, but he doesn't answer or even acknowledge when he's watching (reruns) basketball. Stress will up your symptoms w/Fibro, and I was feeling pretty stressed by the time I got done. So, my pain level was going up, not down. Then I reread the email & realized I needed to drive Big to the b-day girls house, (I misread it & thought they were picking her up.) So I was scrambling to get her to their house. I was hoping to take Little to this place, to the little kids free play area & maybe get some pix of the the b-day party and Little bouncing, but I'm not up for it. I got back from dropping Big off & told Daddy that and I can tell he's not thrilled to take her on his own. But I don't think being bounced around is in my best interest right now. Truth be told, I need some down time alone right now. I also bit his head off about the computer thing, so he's thrilled w/me right nwo. I'm irritated w/life and him and he's irritated w/me. Here's the thing, I have a huge amount of guilt for being frustrated with him. Bah! It's not like he hasn't had plenty of time to fix the computer situation. But I'm feeling guilty because I end up missing so much and he has to do with the kids on the weekends.
I know rationally that he should spend the time with his kids. That, I too, deserve a break. I get that when I stay home from something fun, I'm not really getting "me time. I'm just making sure I have enough spoons to finish the day. I would actually be happy if I were to get to sleep in once a week, ever. He is slacking on getting the computer stuff done. But I feel guilty because I would take care of this stuff if I wasn't sick. It's like cruel trick of nature; you're going to feel like shite, you're going to miss out on lots of fun things and you're going to feel guilt for missing it all.
When do I get a break?

Wordless Wednesday - Halloween Edition

I know I've been MIA. I'll write more about it later. It's because of Fibro, so it's a downer, not to mention that Fibro makes me down, so I'm a party. Woo! Anywho, as usual, can't keep my mouth shut on a Wordless post. I'm nothing, if not consistent. Providing some eye candy is better than listening to me complain, no?

Lying Around

Mir, being the awesome writer she is, got me thinking about the subject of lying. We've been dealing with it in the House O'Speak recently. Gasp, I know, my preshus babahs lied??? and I'm curious to hear what your suggestions/opinions are on how to handle this situation. I don't think I'm handling it as well as I need to, in order to avoid it becoming the norm in the future.

BigSpeak, has always been “the sweet one” and LittleSpeak is my "spirited child.” This affects how I approach them on this subject. Maybe it shouldn't, and maybe some of it has to do with age, but either way, the subject is not equal in this house. It doesn't pan out the way you might think. In fact, the way Little is dealt with, is more how you might think I would deal with the seven year old, not the four year old. It's been personality based, which is right in some ways, but I still think I'm lacking in a huge way on this one.

Little lies almost constantly. Seriously, it happens so often, it’s like it’s imprinted into her DNA. It’s almost like she doesn’t know how NOT to do it. She’s 4, so I know (at least I believe I know), whenever she does lie to me. But, think about this, by the time it starts to really matter, she’ll have had a TON of practice & probably be pretty good at it. Yeah, I'm pretty much screwed w/her.

Big has been caught in 2 lies recently. Both were things that I thought her sister had done, but turns out she had done. Initially they were “errors of omission” while her sister was getting interrogated & accused. I'm sure she mostly stood by out of fear and self-preservation, considering how much trouble her sister seemed to be about to get in. When I was satisfied her sister hadn’t done it & turned to her, she lied to my face, for like 2 seconds & then told the truth.
I find it hard how to handle the whole she finally told the truth part. I don’t want to over punish her and therefore end up with more lying in the future. But she did make the infraction AND then was going to allow someone else to take the punishment. How do I punish, but somehow show that it was "less of a punishment" than she would've gotten otherwise?

Here's where my question comes from; My mom always told us, "You'll get in more trouble for lying, then you will for the actual act." That might be true, but how do I know that? If I don't lie about it, you're just pissed about whatever it was that I did/didn't do. General punishment prevails. If I lie & then, when put on the spot, tell the truth, haven't I just been taught to "play the odds" and if they don't pan out, go for the plea bargain? Doesn't that imply the "plea bargain" will net a lesser punishment? I have no doubt my kids are smart enough to think it through to this point. I did after all. Obviously, my mom didn't give me a good example of how to do this well. Are you getting that I was a bit like Little? Quit laughing, I know payback is a bitch.

Any suggestions? Please?? It's for the safety of the world, really.

Wordless Wednesday-First Day of School, Thursday Edition

And because it's me it's not completely wordless. I can't help it. I just can't keep my mouth shut.

Anywho, BigSpeak started school a couple weeks ago & LittleSpeak started on Wednesday (yesterday).

Big is in Second Grade. Yes, I know, we're screwed. She freaking looks 17, not 7! Gah!
















And this is LittleSpeak. She started Jr. K today. She's a little excited. Ya think? There's no living with her now. She's certain she is all grown up and wants the car keys. (You think I'm joking don't you?)

First World Problems

I can't seem to catch a break here people.
I don't know who I pissed off in my former life, but it must've been something good. I certainly hope I had fun doing it. And really, if that's the case, shouldn't I get to remember it? Who do I talk to about this?
Anywho, I digress (surprise!). Since, I last posted, 4 days ago, my pain had still not returned. A whole week! Woot! Yeah, don't get too excited, there are some reasons for that. Like, I wasn't moving much at all in the last four days. That fatigue thing I mentioned? Turned out it was the beginning of a virus. I don't miss a beat, I tell ya. Just to keep it interesting LittleSpeak got in the act too. Sunday night both her and I started running fevers. Let me tell ya, big fun to feel like crap, but have to take care of a kid who feels just as bad, if not worse? That's a level of fun that few get to experience.
On Monday, she was running 102 (ear thermometer, so probably 103) and I couldn't get it below 100 until 2:00 in the afternoon. I would've been more worried about it, but since I was running a fever (100, I avg 96, so that's pretty high for me) I wasn't really coherent enough to realize how it should be upsetting me. All she wanted to do was lay on me, which, I mean how does a mom say no to that. So we laid on the couch. I had the stream of Nick Jr. going, but after a while she just wanted to sleep. We laid there & sweated. Want to sit on my couch now? My virus, (Oh no, we can't have the same thing, we need to have something different so we can pass them back and forth.) included a post nasal/sore throat thing. Little's virus included a stomach bug. She never did get sick enough to throw up, but I know she wished she would on more than one occasion.
Tuesday, she was improving. Her fever was coming & going, she actually felt like eating a little and was happy to commandeer the TV. In other words, she wouldn't sleep. I was, of course, not that improved. I think it was rude for her to get better faster, considering I needed to nap and mope some more. Kids are like that though. Last night, I was running a fever when I went to bed, it's like a hot flash, but contagious.
Wednesday, I actually got dressed! I walked BigSpeak to school and took Little to gymnastics (Damn strait I took her! I need to wear that kid out!) My Mother In Law (MIL) was showing up today for a long weekend. It's Big's birthday weekend, so she thought she'd come to see us. My husband however, seemed to forget his mother was coming to visit and left the house in much of a state. My MIL comes to stay often enough that I'm sure she's seen the house in worse shape, but I prefer not to have the chores waiting for her when she arrives. (She's not good at leaving things alone.) I quickly scrambled to at least get the sheets on her bed changed. Check! And then to get the dishes out of the sink, which required unloading the dishwasher. Don't worry, I didn't get that far. The sheet changing was apparently "over the top" as once I got downstairs I felt my back spasm and familiar pains started down my right leg. I wanted to cry. I'd gone a whole week, more or less, without a pain pill! Granted, I spent a good part of that week lying down sick, but lying down has not been indicative of less pain, so I really thought the shots were helping. To have it potentially undone on the first thing I did is very disheartening.

I took pain pills, and laid on the couch as much as I could to try an help get it under control. I'm not dying or anything, but I'm pretty sure I'm not "off the pain pills" as I'd hoped. I'm not 100% for sure and Big's birthday party extravaganza is this weekend. Twenty 7 year old girls, glitter makeovers, fashion/dance show extravaganza! God help us all. I was feeling better when I signed up for this, I need to remember to stop doing that.

Yeah, I have a bit of a pity party going on these days. It’s frustrating at best. Part of me feels guilty when I get like this. No one is dying, or losing a limb. I have resources & support to deal with this never ending problem. I don't get to feel sorry for myself, there are so many people who have it so much worse. Upon thinking about it, I realized I need to allow myself some of this frustration without the guilt. What I have is a first world problem. No I'm not losing my home or dying, but that doesn't mean I don't have a sucky situation. Just because I don’t have the worst issue of everyone doesn’t diminish the suckatude.
I'm hoping that allowing myself to wallow a little in my suckatude (I love this word and will be using it often now) perhaps it will get some perspective and not last so long.

And maybe I'll catch a break one of these days.

Mommy Abuse

I'm here! Barely.
I had my first Physical Therapy appointment since starting the epidural shots and I'm rough around the edges from it. That was on Tuesday (It's Thursday night.) Tuesday night I was actually having quite a bit of pain. Not nerve pain (down my leg) though, more muscle spasm pain. It's good news. Signs of good things I suppose. But it makes for a grumpy mommy. It also affects how well I sleep. Tuesday night was "not very well." When I don't sleep well it really affects my pain level.
On Wednesday, I was obviously trying to take it easy. LittleSpeak was NOT so much into taking it easy. She started by wetting the bed at 4 AM. This is only the second time she's every wet the bed. There's not a good time to do it, but her timing did suck. I got things situated and then got DaddySpeak to actually change the linens. Then, BigSpeak decided to get up at 5:30 that morning. OOOOK. My kids are trying to kill me. Since Little was already in a mood she started with throwing tantrums for everything. And I do mean everything. She wasn't even waiting for me to say no, if I just didn't immediately say "yes" then she was on the floor whining and screaming. Lovely start to the day, no? She had her first timeout at 7:45AM. The day progressed more or less like that until we got Big from school. I was letting them watch a TV show to wind down when we hit bottom. Because I was exhausted and in pain, I was laying flat on the couch and had Little sitting on my hip. (Keeps me aware of anything she's getting into.) She got off for a second to get a book or something and, all the sudden,
JUMPED. ON. TO. MY. STOMACH.
She knocked the wind out of me. Remember, I have to brace my back to sneeze or cough and she hit me full force in my midsection without warning. When my voice came back I told her, "Get off of me!" It wasn't loud. I was still getting my breath back. But it was stern. And it scared her. She became a complete puddle. When I was able to get myself into a sitting position I gave her hug & comforted her. She told me I scared her. And I told her she hurt me. And she did. I fear, and it feels like, she undid the last 3 weeks of healing. Yes, I'm sure I'm being melodramatic. I'm sure it's not that bad. But right now, I'm a mess.
I called Daddy & told him to, "come home NOW." I told him what happened and explained that I wasn't sure what my back was doing, but it wasn't good and I'm pretty sure it's not improving in the near future. Once he got home I took pain pills and laid down in our bed. And was not able to get comfortable. Last night I think I got 2-3 hours of sleep. I was up and down all night. The pain is bad. I get into a position that it tolerable, but it doesn't last. I couldn't stay in any position for more than 30 minutes. More like 10-15 most of the night. It was a very, very long night. Luckily both girls had school today. I was surprisingly mobile after those 2 hours. My movement is good, so that's a good sign. I went back to bed and slept until Big came home from school. I took a shower in the afternoon which seemed to help a bit. Tonight I went back to physical therapy. My PT worked on making things move, and very minimal exercise.
I am tender to the touch EVERYWHERE in my back. It's reacting. But like I said, my movement is good. I'm hopeful about sleep tonight. I think it I can get to a point when it's not so tender I can get some rest. If I can get some rest, and keep this amount of movement, I might be on the upswing. If my kids stop beating on me. And actually let me sleep.
Who do call for mommy abuse or neglect? (The Spa?)