Return of the Mommy (Speak)

Nothing like a little free publicity to get one off her arce & write. So, thanks to SheKnows.com & Sherri Kuhn for kicking my arce to get back on the horse again. (Even if you didn't realize you were providing that service.)

It's been awhile, (February,) since I last posted. At that time, I was in a really dark place. In my defense, that last post was written during a time in which, I was weened from one set of meds, but not yet on the next group. Proof, that regardless of what I might think, they really do seem to be helping. Since then, things have improved dramatically. (That's the understatement of the year.) I've been meaning to update, but so much has happened that it felt overwhelming. I was also busy, trying to catch up on all the life I feel like I've been missing out on.

Long story short; in April I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's aka - hypothyroid.
Since then, I've lost 25 lbs, (still have at least 30 to go). I have long periods without pain. Yes, you read that correctly, without pain. I have energy to do stuff. Meaning, I'm not napping while kids are at school, just so I can get through the afternoon when they're home. Yeah, it is like I'm a different person. As you might imagine, a lot has happened, so I have find to tell you.  Most of that will have to wait. Right now, I just wanted to let you know I'm alive & doing REALLY WELL. And that I'm back.

Happy New Year!!! Whatever that's about...

Yup, as my post title implies I'm my usual chipper self.  Read on, I know you've been waiting to hear from me w/baited breath.... ;-)

I'm checking in to say, I'm going to try & blog more this year.  Yeah, I do know that isn't saying much.  But I have a "plan" so that means it might actually work out.  I'm trying, is what I want you to know. 

I know, for a lot of people, 2012 was hard.  Because of what happened in 2012, 2013 is going to continue to be hard for a lot of them.  There was a lot of loss this year.  It seemed to really hit home at the end of the year, but I know, I remember, it wasn't just one thing that made 2012 seem hard for so many people. There was plenty of misery to go around.  There always is, if you think about it.  That being said, for me, in many ways, 2012 was a really good year:
 In January, I got back  up on skis for the first time in 5 years.  I started doing yoga on a regular basis. (I believe those things are related, and not in that order.)  I had The Summer of  No Pain.* (That should be said in the rock concert announcer's voice, echo and all.)  And right here, I was about to start to including some of my kids' victories. But, I realize that those belong to them, and I don't want to become someone who is living vicariously through my kids. (At least not too much.)  I have my own battles, and I want my own wins & my own losses.  It would be foolish to think that their losses, (& gains,) don't impact me, bc they obviously do.  So rather than catalog their wins as if they were my own, let's just say that many things, related to my kids lives, that were stressing me out, went away. (Don't worry, there are still plenty for me to worry about still.) And I stopped holding my breath.  It seemed like maybe, just maybe, we had started to find a new normal; one that I could live with.  So just when I started to plan & volunteer, (September, October...) when I started to think, "Maybe we could have people over again, like we used to do."  My Fibro came roaring back w/a vengeance.    So, yeah, I've spend most of this first week of the holidays on a couch or a bed.  I've been on pain pills a lot, just to get out of bed.  Not to go anywhere, just to be able to literally take off PJs, put on sweats & walk down the stairs.  There have been several days, where getting down the stairs was the big event of my day.  I'm hopeful, that the start of a new year, will bring back that normal was starting to enjoy.  That my rheumatologist is correct, and this is "just a flare," which means it will, at some point, no longer be this bad. (BTW, he was "amazed at how well I was doing," when I saw him a month or so, ago.  I went into him, bc I was NOT doing amazing, but compared to the last time he'd seen me, he was in awe.  Sometimes, it's hard to see the forest for the trees, blah, blah, blah...)

I think I lost track of the blogging, bc I wanted to focus on living, not chronicling.  And, truth be told, that's how it should be, right?  Live a life worth chronicling.  BUT, (you knew there was one, there always is w/me,) when I write, I let go of a lot of the bad.  There's a little voice inside of me that says, "Maybe, just maybe, the reason the Fibro came back the way it did, was bc I stopped focusing on me.  I started focusing on everything outside of me; my kids, my husband, my house.... Maybe, focusing on me was the key to getting better."  I think, in the middle of my planning & volunteering, I lost sight of me.  I'm hopeful, that if I can focus on me again, it'll get better more quickly.  So, I'm back.  Yes, dear reader, (all 10 of you, {yes I do know that number is much higher, I can see your stats remember. ;-)}) I'm totally here for your entertainment value.  But, I'm also very much here for me.  Maybe that's the right reason & while, I'll be more consistent this time.


*Let's be real here, I had, literally one day this summer, when I woke up without any pain, anywhere. When I write that, I focus on the fact that there was a point in time, in which, nothing hurt.  I'm sure you focus on the one day. It took me about 10 mins to realize what was different, but I knew immediately something was different.  Other than that one day, I have had pain every single day this year.  It's a drag & it sucks, I agree.  But I'm not alone. There are certainly worse things.  You may have one of those things I consider to be worse, I don't want to offend, so I'm not going to mention them.  My point is, I had tolerable pain during that summer.  "Livable pain." Pain, with which, I could still function like a relatively normal person.  What does that mean?  It means, I could hang out w/my kids all day at Disneyland & not be too exhausted to eat dinner.  It means, I didn't have to take any pain pills to get through my day.  (OTC stuff doesn't count.  I'm talking prescription stuff.  But FTR, I'm pretty sure there wasn't any OTC stuff either.)  I'm at the point w/my Fibro, that I would be thrilled if that could be my new normal.  You can take that how you want, I realized I will continue to want more, regardless of what my body is doing.  I won't ever stop looking for ways to have less/no pain.  But I could be happy w/that level of pain/discomfort. I wouldn't stop working for something more, that's human nature, but I could live with the way things were this summer.

It's Baaack.... Fibro Has Reared It's Ugly Head Again

My Pain Diary for November

As much as I've been trying to convince myself differently, I'm having a horrible Fibro Flare.  It probably started in October, but I didn't want to believe it, and really didn't start tracking it well, until November.  If you're someone who deals w/a chronic illness, you know exactly what I mean by "tracking."  For the rest of you, when you have a chronic illness, it's quite easy for the medical profession to believe your complaints are exaggerated.  Especially in something like Fibro, where so many parts of your body can be affected.  To help your doctors and therapists help you, it's good to keep a diary.  No, not the kind where you profess your love or angst.  (Though for mental illness, which can be an aspect of Fibro, that's a good avenue of treatment too.)  In my case it's a pain diary.  I track what hurts; the where, how, intensity, how it started, what did to treat it & if/when it went away.  Since one of the major symptoms I've had in the past is Irritable Bowel Syndrome, (IBS,) I also keep a food diary.  Yes, it is one more thing to add to my day.  But, it can help show patterns, that can help your treatment.  For instance, hormonal changes tend to have a big impact.  If there's nothing your doctor can provide to help w/this, at least you know this, and can try to plan accordingly.  Try not to schedule anything really important during that week and such.  I track my pain on my smartphone.  (Of course there's an app for that.)  I can print reports from it, or be able to glance at calendar page & see where my spikes are.  The app that I use, My Pain Diary, allows me to enter all this information.  I don't really know if it's better or worse than other apps, because I haven't really tried many others.  It more or less works for me, so it's good.  (Though, upon getting that link, I see that there many more of these than there were when I first sought one.  I may have to try a few & provide a review on my other blog; that I also don't update near enough.)   Anyway, since I'm forced to pay more attention to all of this, I've really taken a good, hard look at my last year & it's really nothing short of amazing.  I haven't had an attack of significance since March.  Even then, April & May only included 2 bad days.  In the scope of things, 2 bad days a month, totally doable.  June - Sept had NO bad days.  That's pretty f'ing amazing.  NONE!  October had 5, which really isn't that bad.  I know a few of those were migraines, which I have good meds for, and can get under control pretty quickly.  November is when things went south in a big way.  On the calendar view of this app, it will color the date depending on your level of pain.  Moderate pain will show up yellow, severe will be read.  November & Dec look like a slasher movie it them.  I'm still committed to yoga, though I've had to back off on it, not wanting to make things worse.  And things seemed to really go south after my 3rd visit to my new chrio.  I was emailing him for suggestions/advice during the worst of it.  I think he was too aggressive in my last treatment.  In between that time, I saw my rheumatologist, who was amazed at how well I was doing.  Of course I was there because I wasn't doing all that well.  He told me to keep on doing what I was doing, and that w/every treatment there are good and bad days.  I was in the middle of a very long bad one.  I saw my chiro again a week after that & he thinks we were too aggressive, too fast.  Pulled back my treatment to what it was the month before (2nd visit,) and I was actually really good for 2 days.  I had expected to hurt more from my chiro visit, but nope, right off, everything was happy.  I'm back in the thick of everything being unhappy, but I have more hope these days.  I see my chiro again in 3 days, I'm hopeful that if we take things really slow, I'm going to continue to have more good days than bad.

Happy New...Meh

I know that being a new year & all, I'm supposed to be all reflective & stuff. Meh. I want to set resolutions this year, (which is really a first for me to be honest).  And there's a litany of obvious items I want to resolve to change, but really, I can't be bothered to think that hard about it.  Doesn't say much for how well I would keep said resolutions, does it? 
My real issue, is that I'm not sure exactly what my issue is.  (I'm a freaking one-man philosophy course.)  I want, no need to lose weight.  My current status is beyond embarrassing.  I've basically put on 10 lbs every year for the past four years.  No, that's not exactly how it happened.  Yeah, I (obviously) contributed to it.  (As I shove a doughnut in my pie hole.  No, not really, but hey, did someone say doughnuts???)  But it also happened/started in relation to something that happened TO me, (herniated disc/surgery).  For some reason, I can NOT get past that.  It seems that all my "issues" come down to that problem; "I didn't have fun getting this way.  It's not fair and therefore I shall ignore it and hope it goes away!"  When it doesn't go away, I shall have an adult-style temper-tantrum; and eat my feelings.  (They all taste like chocolate, how lucky for me.)  What might take most people years of therapy to get to, I've managed to boil down in a single paragraph.  Look, at the money I'm saving!  As usual, I can see, hear, touch, and taste the problem, but I don't know how to get to it emotionally.  Therefore, I'm not really sure how to fix it. 
Maybe it's that you don't really "fix" it.  Maybe, just maybe, the answer is that you "fake it till you make it."  You act like whatever it is you want (a size 6 waist,) and eventually you get there be default.  Obviously, if it's my weight, I need to start eating like a supermodel if size 6 really were the goal.  It's not. But you get the idea.
In that vein, (faking it,) here are the things I'd like to change in some manner this year:

Lose weight (diet & exercise)
Pursue something more serious w/my photography (actually get some info on how to do that.)
Be able to do more physically w/my kids (exercise)
Stop feeling like I'm stalled out (I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen, but I don't know what & it makes me feel stymied.)

One thing to note.  Usually, I'm more or less a mess at this point after the holidays.  I did pull back on a LOT this year.  And, as of right now, (even though I don't want to jinx it,) I think it's worth noting, that I'm more or less holding it together.  (knockingonwood)  One thing I do know is that I really, really need to listen to my body.  If it's telling me it's too tired, it's too tired.  I'm not going to get a 2nd wind.  That's just not how it works for someone like me. (Someone w/Fibromyalgia.)  I'm a slow learner, but I'm getting better at listening to my body and heeding the warnings it gives me.  Maybe, THAT is key to all of this & I just need to be patient and see how it all unfolds.

Not Quite a Train Wreck & Happy Halloween!

We have a Rainbow Fairy & a Pirate this year.

Last Saturday, was our school's big fundraiser.  We actually only have one, so saying it's "big" is somewhat redundant.  It's a Fall Festival, which includes a costume parade, carnival games, inflatables, food; including a chili cook-off & cake decorating, a haunted house, and silent auction.  I think I missed a few things, but you get the idea.  It's a BIG. FREAKING. DEAL.  Each class puts together a "basket" for the silent auction.  This task is put on the room parent...and now you know where I'm going with this one.  LittleSpeak's class did something fairly low-key; we decorated a tote w/all the kids hand-prints and had each child bring in a new copy of a favorite book.  I put together a list of the books as a 'book-club' recommended reading list, and we included gift-certificates to Barnes & Nobel and Starbucks.  It wasn't a huge deal and I had lots of help, so it seemed mundane.  I, sort of, blew it on the day of HFN.  I volunteered to pass out pre-paid tickets/bracelets from 1-3.  The parade, which kicks off the event, starts at 4.  I thought I was so smart, getting my volunteer hours before the actual event.  I did not, however, consider the fact that I was going to be at the school from 1 in the afternoon.  So, at 3, DaddySpeak, brought the girls over to the school so I could apply "make-up" and finishing touches on their costumes.  Everything went well.  The girls had a blast, the school raised tons of money.  (We personally "won" 3 of the baskets, which means I have more than done my part for the school this year.  AND quite possibly I've finished some of my Christmas shopping.)
By 8 PM though, we were shot.  We walked home, put the girls to bed and collapsed on the couch.  Big was supposed to go to CCD at 8:30, but I couldn't get her to wake up.  I could've forced the issue w/her, but I could see she was in the middle of a dream.  I decided she needed sleep more than religion that morning.  The fact that my whole body felt like it had been run over might have contributed to that decision.  The short version; I overdid it and spent my Sunday in bed.  More details?  I used up most of my spoons for the week.  Sadly, quite a few things like dentist & doctor visits had been pushed to this week bc we were so busy leading up to the event. 
We made our appointments, but lets just say I wasn't winning any beauty contests this week.  Sweats and baseball hats were the wardrobe rule, and anything I could schedule out, (working in classrooms,) walking in the morning, grocery shopping, cooking diner, etc...was put off.  I did not win any domestic medals this week.  I need to remember to pad my week after events like this.  I tend to get burned by this kind of stuff.  You'd think I'd remember, but it's like my brain loses those part of the memories.  We survived.  The house, laundry and food situation could be better.  But honestly, they've been worse, (not that I'm proud of that).

I started to write this post on Wednesday of this week.  It was supposed to be about what a mess I was this week.  And I was, a mess.  But now that I'm at the next weekend, I'm actually able to be more objective about it.  Yeah, no one is putting the merits of my domestic skills in a magazine.  But I got the stuff done, I had to.  I listened to my body and rested when I could.  And I had enough stuff in the freezer and with leftovers that we, (Daddy,) made a decent dinner for all each night.  So instead of being a train wreak, maybe I'm just a car accident?  (KNOCK ON WOOD!) I guess that's progress, right?

Traveling Pants of the Fat-Arce Sisterhood

I'm not sure if I should glad or insulted.

Walked Big to school today and on our way home a neighbor stopped Little and I.

"What pants size do you wear? I have a really good reason for asking."
(What do you say to that?) I told her my size, (which I'm not sharing here, because it upsets me,) and then added, sigh "It's the largest I've ever been in my life."
"I wanted to know, because I thought so. That's the size I was and I've been having a really hard time losing it, hormones, but I've finally gotten to the point where I'm down a size and can't wear these anymore."
She continued, "A friend gave me these pants and they're really good pants. I had a really hard time when I had to dress for stuff, these saved me. I wanted to pass them on to someone else in need. When you're out of them, have lost the weight, (I know you will,) pass them on to someone else who might need them or you can give them to me and I'll pass them along to someone else."

Her intent was in the right place.
Maybe they're magical pants and now the weight will come off.

I'm back trying to tackle my weight and dealing with my Fibro, (FM) at the same time. If you've dealt with chronic pain, you know that taking on other challenges (losing a vice,) is doubly hard, because it's often the thing that gives you some level of comfort. I've had a really hard time wrapping my head around Low-Carb, (LC,) while on Weight Watchers. Problem is, I'll see something I want and know I have enough points and eat it. I seem to forget to deal with the carb issue till it impacts me negatively. At the very least, carbs are contributing to my FM, by making me bloated and uncomfortable. At the worst? They're part of the reason I'm having such bad symptoms. Things got bad enough this weekend where I realized that I would be willing to live on next to nothing if it would assure me a pain-free existence. Once I hit that point, it's not so hard to give up anything.

I just want to feel better.

Acceptance

The last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. There's an understatement. I'm currently in what one would call a "Fibro Flare." I went through a very long period of denial, months in fact, and the last couple weeks have been a hard lesson in acceptance. I was going to write something about how hard it is to have a chronic illness. Then I started thinking about all the chronic stuff out there; diabetes, arthritis, lupus...and realized that I need to get over that part. It sucks, there's no doubt about that. But everyone has crap they have to deal with on a daily basis, (and don't get me started on the stuff in Japan, because that will put me into depression,) so I need to quit my bitching about that. No, the hard part this last couple weeks is knowing what is coming and feeling a complete loss of control. Before, I didn't know what was in store for me. My primary Fibro symptoms have included; migraines, non-restorative sleep, insomnia, Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), Chronic Fatigue, depression, TMJ, wide-spread muscular pain, etc... It's a long list, but those are the symptoms that were bad enough to require medical care. My migraines started back up several months ago. At first, they were clustering around "my time of the month," but started becoming more and more frequent and debilitating. I finally got into a doctor for them and also admitted my sleep patterns had not been that stellar as of late. This doctor was actually somewhat excited to treat me. He had "some great meds for migraines that weren't around when I'd been treated for them previously." He's also the one who brought up my Fibro and started asking questions about my sleep. He prescribed me a low dose anti-depressant to see if it would help with my sleep. Since then I've had only 1 full blown migraine, which I was able to mitigate w/the migraine meds he gave me. Lasted less than four hours, as opposed to the multiple day ones I was having before. I also realized all the peri-menopause symptoms I'd been having (bad hot flashes & night sweats,) seemed to have stopped around that time. Bonus! Awesome!

Since that time though, my body has been trying to change it's clock. Trust me on this, when your body does this, there isn't much you can do. My body clock would like to be from sometime after noonish to about two or three AM. I am trying to keep it on the 10 PM to 7 AM for sleep vibe, (since it's almost midnight now, you can see how well that's working,) so I can deal with my kids when they're awake, but not so much. I know all the tricks related to sleep issues; only sleep in bed, no TV, no books; go to bed and get up at the same time every night, keep paper by your bed to write things down (keep your mind from spinning,) there's more, but you get the idea. It's not working. My body is running at it's peak about 10 PM to 1 or 2 AM. I can't seem to shut down before that. New flash: When you don't get enough sleep you're exhausted. Your PSA for the day, you're welcome. I'm great at pointing out the obvious. The exhaustion is typically accompanied by pain, and round the cycle goes; the pain makes it hard to sleep, you don't sleep so you have pain. Whee! The final straw, (in the past,) has been my digestive system. When my GI Tract gets involved it goes big. By big I mean it's landed me in the hospital a couple times. I don't think it'll ever do that again, (I did a lot of the wrong things in the past & know better now,) but never say never, right?

The widespread pain started in earnest about 2 weeks ago. (I've had major pain before that time, it just seemed to be centered to my sciatic issues.) I have 2 types of pain, nerve, from my disc problems and muscular, from my Fibro. I may have been dealing with the pain issues for much longer, but it started traveling to old favorite areas (mid-back, neck, shoulders, ankles...) in the last month. Areas that have nothing to do w/my lower back or leg. I suspect the two things exacerbate each other for fun. The exhaustion kicked in at that time as well. For the last two weeks or so, I get up, get the kids where they need to go and get back in bed till I have to go get them. When they're home, I lay on the couch and have them move the kids chairs & tables near so I can help with homework, read to them, etc... Yeah, no nominations for mother of the year over here. I feel like I've got the flu or mono, that's the kind of tired I'm dealing with here. I've been working on getting back onto a very low-carb diet, because I felt in the past that it helped with my symptoms, but it's been slow going. When I'm in pain I want chocolate. (Understandable, chocolate releases endorphins, your body's natural pain killer.) What I really want is my Starbucks Mocha. It's my version of comfort food. The warmth of that chocolate going down my throat immediately relaxes me. That craving, is my Achilles heel for the low-carb diet. It's the hurdle I'm having trouble getting over. This morning, after 5 or 6 days without one. Five to six days spent in bed because of pain, I decided I was going to have one. I figured if I limited my carbs everywhere else all day that could be low-carb enough. I was taking Little to gymnastics, where I sit for an hour on a cold bench in an unheated gym. It doesn't do wonders for my pain level. I wanted one to get through that hour, and the next couple after that which would more than likely be pain filled. I indulged. My pain had been slightly better and the feeling of that warm mocha seemed to help melt the last of it away. Surprisingly, I ended up running quite a few errands with Little after gymnastics because I felt so much better. Then my stomach joined in. My IBS seems to have taken exception at that mocha. It took the Fibro pain and turned it into Fibro IBS. All the bloated, uncomfortable, out-of-control feelings that come with IBS have shown up. There are other, more graphic details, I'll spare you, that accompany a bout of IBS. Let's just say I have no doubt it's not just something I ate. It's me. It's the way my body responds to this; it's the Fibro.

I haven't wanted to admit it's back. I know I've said that in the recent past, but I'm still fighting it. I still don't want to believe it. I want to be back how I was when Little was an infant. That short period of time when both girls where born, my back had not been injured yet, and my Fibro was gone. I want that back. I want my girls to know that mom.

I have owned up to the fact this is for real. My old rheumatoligist considers me a new patient because of the amount of time since I've seen her. "She's no longer taking new patients." Can't make this shit up people. I went to see my GP last week. Seeing a doctor about it, makes it real. She's good, she listens and seems to care. I told her my details, she's concerned about depression. (She "doesn't know much about Fibro.") My response? "Chicken or the egg?" One follows the other, you don't sleep, you will eventually experience a true physical depression. I know of what I speak. She referred me to another rheumy & wants to me see a shrink as well. I have an appointment in April w/the rheumy; I'd seen him briefly 10 yrs ago, but had to change due to insurance. That got me the April appointment, as opposed to May. Glad I'm not an emergency. I still need to find a shrink, but I'm procrastinating. I've had good & bad ones in the past. The bad outnumber the good 2-1, I'm just not into it. I know I need to see one, but I just hate the process.

Know what I hate more though? I hate that my body feels like it's attacking itself. I'm ready to be done with that.

A Spoonie

I've suffered from Fribromyalgia, in a documented sense, since I was 18 years old. I'm 43, so you do the math. My point is, it's a long damn time. Until 2001, I suffered not knowing what was wrong with me. If you're a person who has suffered from a chronic illness, you have an idea of what that is like. How it feels to run test after test, and then do them all again, just to get no answers. To have the doctors, your family, you friends, all look at you like you're the crazy cat lady because no one can figure out what's wrong with you. Inevitably, a medical professional will imply that maybe it's all in your head. This is often the same professional who originally agreed that there was something, indeed wrong with you, you have real symptoms after all. But upon being thwarted by his tests, rather than admit defeat, is looking for fault in you. It couldn't possibly be that maybe we just don't have the tests to determine the problem you have as of yet, could it? Once the medical profession starts to give up on you, you find that many family and friends will start dropping off. Those that do stick around will tell you things like, "Just get out of bed and decide you feel good. It will happen." and the ever popular, "Suck it up." As if you could decide to feel better. Who the hell would choose to feel like this? You get an idea of part of what I've dealt with emotionally during this process.
Yesterday, I got a Direct Message (DM) from one of my Twitter followers, "I didn't know you were a spoonie!" Um, neither did I, what the heck is a spoonie? She was shocked I wasn't aware of this website; But You Don't Look Sick? Ooooh! Now it all makes sense. I had heard of the spoons via Queen of Spain, (QofS,) but assumed they had something to do with her family, so I never really took much interest. Beside, I was trying to hold it together; between my back pain, my kids, & trying to keep my fibro in line, my sleep issues were creeping in about that time, I didn't really have the time/energy to go peruse blogs just for fun. Coincidentally, QofS posted this, a few hours after I got that tweet.
No, I don't have lupus, but like lupus many of my symptoms are hidden. I don't look sick, but I absolutely am. With all the back problems I've had in the last four years, my fibro has taken a back seat, thankfully. I seem to have been controlling it with diet to a degree, but it's been trying to sneak back up on me. When you feel better, you stop looking for resources. I suppose that's why I missed this site during my former forays looking for information/support/community. I'm excited to see it exists. I hope beyond hope that fate, God, Flying Spaghetti Monster or whatever you want to call it, isn't giving me a heads up that things are about to get really bad. I'm afraid to hope that it isn't just letting me know there's a community there if I ever need it. I really hope I don't though.

Suffering from Bouncy Brain

Today I'm in a really weird mood. I've been wanting to write, but have been really busy & not able to stop to get the words typed. (Course, I could cut into my Twitter time & maybe make a post happen, but that's an awful lot of effort on my part.) Today, I'm sick. We were suppose to be in Tahoe this weekend w/my bro's family & my 'rents, but yesterday Big & I came down w/a fever. Hers seems better today. Mine is decidedly worse. I woke up multiple times last night covered in sweat. My guess is that I was running a fever and it broke (several times). That or I just got grossed out by myself, even in my sleep. (It could happen.) This morning my temp is still high. You can tell by touch. Also, by the fact that any time I move, I get aches in the muscles I use (yes, my fingers are achy in the typing of this. That's dedication folks!) and I get the chills within a few minutes. The net result of this is I can lie in bed & type w/out feeling too bad. As long as I take a break every few minutes. My brain, however, is going a million miles a minute. Having been forced into rest, my brain has caught up and passed my physical self. It's longing for things to do, to be distracted by. Facebook and Twitter aren't cutting it. Perhaps, because everyone else in the world is OUTSIDE in the beautiful sunshine we are having for the first time this year. Perhaps.

I've got weird things running through my brain today. Maybe I dreamed about them? Not sure. I write a few sentences & then go read Twitter or Facebook. My reason for this blog post has changed 12 times already. At this point, I'm pretty sure what I should write is that I'm feeling a bit ADD & manic today. Just my brain, my physical self is shaky, dizzy, weak and feverish, if I move around too much. But mentally: manic, very, very manic. It's actually very much how my life has felt in general lately only more on the down side. I'm tired all the time. Right now, I feel like I have a ton of energy, I just can't use it. I suspect I've lost most of you by now. I'm pretty sure my writing is a bouncy as my brain is feeling right now. If I haven't lost you, you should really consider seeing a shrink or something. I hear they have drugs for that.
I think what's going to happen is that I'm going to write several posts that are bouncing around in my head and I'll actually post them over the next couple weeks. There's your warning. None of the things I'm thinking seem to be connected in any way, shape or form. Putting them out today or over a period of weeks probably won't make them make sense either, but maybe. Perhaps, the take away from all of this is, I need to go see my doctor. Or I need to get well enough to go hang outside & enjoy some vitamin D.

Over Done, Merry Effing X-mas

I'm over done.
I'm sort of in the middle of a tantrum of my own, I guess, but I've been bottling up all these feelings for some time now (why I haven't written) and now they've accumulated till there's no more room for them.
I'm feeling overwhelmed as we're dealing with the third round of lice in the girls. I literally spent my entire day yesterday and today, treating the girls & brushing them out. I haven't even done the whole wipe down, clean out the whole house thing because I just can't wrap my head around it. But it's hanging over my head that I need to do it, or I will be dealing with round #4 of this, at which point I'm considering fire bombing the damn house.

Yesterday, we did Christmas gifts w/my family. The girls were thrilled, as they received what they were hoping Santa would bring, (American Girl dolls,) but from my parents. Honestly, that's really all I care about, that they're happy. But, I'd be lying if I didn't admit I was left feeling like a major afterthought. For some reason, my mom decided that I would like what my SIL wanted for Christmas. So, pretty much, she gave me duplicates to what she bought my SIL. My SIL & I don't buy for each other, so haven't seen her list. I'm assuming that she wanted the things we were given. Maybe she's thinking the same thing as me. What I do know, is that of the presents I received, 3 were things I already had, and 1 was something I won't use. I don't want to sound ungrateful, and I know that's how this is sounding, it's just another straw added to my stress level, and the camel's back broke ages ago. It just made me feel like crap. Several years ago my family created electronic lists, so there was no question as to what people wanted for birthdays & Christmas. I updated my list, but no one seems to have actually looked at it. OK, that's not true, I did get a bathrobe (from my parents,) I wanted for my birthday. But otherwise, no. My husband got me a outdoor light for my birthday, no, I did NOT ask for it. I mentioned this summer when we had the house painted, that now we needed a new light & mailbox for the porch. I did not put it on any personal lists. I did not consider it something that I would've give to my husband as a gift, as it's something for the house, not the person. Now, my folks have joined the foray with their effort at Christmas, and it just made me feel like crap.
Yes, I'm totally having a pity party. Yes, I'm being a baby & throwing a tantrum of sorts. I get it, I need to put on my big girl panties and move on. It's just been a nonstop barrage of Fibro symptoms, and fire drills (read: lice infestation) and I'm feeling very over worked, overwhelmed and under appreciated. I know much of this is an emotional reaction to the lack of sleep & pain I'm dealing with, but it doesn't make me want to cry any less just because I know the rational side of what's wrong with me.
Tonight, when DaddySpeak got home early from work, I suggested we get Subway & go see the lights in the park in Los Gatos. Yes, it will be a long line, but we're free tonight & the girls would like it. He said no. He said it was because sitting in the car like that is bad for my back, but I know the real truth is that he hates being in the car like that. He can say what he wants, but that's the truth and he knows it. I was in the middle of my FOUR HOUR hair routine w/the girls at the time, so him coming in and telling me I'm doing it wrong didn't improve my mood so much either. I told him to knock himself out & finish, so he did. When done, he wanted to know what was up for dinner. I told him I had put forth my suggestion & been shot down, so he could do it. I did suggest some food I had in the kitchen, but the girls wanted pizza and worked him over. I'm supposed to be getting on my low carb diet which, is sort of a joke, (I've been stress eating so much chocolate, I'm pretty sure I've gained all the weight back I just lost,) but I opted out. So they went out to dinner. I'm sure they were probably relieved to get away from me. I'm such a freaking bitch right now, I wouldn't want to be around me either.
So I'm going to go frolic with all the last min shoppers & see if I can't get my ass run over in a mall parking lot or something, because, clearly I hate myself. (Why else would one go shopping tonight?) I have a couple last minute things I need to get for the girls and him. Not deal breakers, but things I haven't been able to get because of sick kids, sick me, and now school's out.

Not Depressed. Not All That Happy Either.

Our network was down for a week. I know a week! I'm not sure how I survived it either. That, coupled with some other issues I'm having, are the reason I haven't posted in longer than usual. During that week, I had lots of things to post about, of course. Now I can't remember what they were.

I'm having a hard time lately. I'm exhausted. Fatigued. Wiped. All of the above. I'm having migraines, bad ones, every other day. By 3 PM I'm shot. It's all I can do to keep the kids alive till DaddySpeak gets home. Yes, my back is finally better and now this. I wonder to myself if I'm being a hypochondriac, even to myself. Could I be imagining these symptoms? Do I need to have some kind of medical drama, about me, all the time? But in the back of my mind I know exactly what is going on with me. I haven't wanted to write it. Writing it, makes is seem real. It means I have to start to fight it, and I'm so very tired. I don't want to fight, I want to curl up and go to sleep.
I'm pretty sure it's the Fibro showing it's ugly head. I'm having back/neck pain, (not my disc in my lower back. This is up in my shoulder area). I'm not sleeping well, (no REM sleep). I'm having focus issues, (Fibro Fog). I'm tired all the time, (CFS). The laundry list of symptoms has started. Why? Why now? I think it's because I'm not on the low-carb diet anymore. Seriously. No, I wasn't being great about it, but I still wasn't really eating breads, pasta or rice. I was eating way less carbs than I think I realized. I started Weight Watchers about 6 weeks ago. I've lost 10 lbs., I've done WW before and had good success. The problem is that I'm eating rice & pasta again. The last 4 weeks have seen my symptoms getting worse. I got my doctor to run blood tests. I was sure it was hormones, it's not. It's been years since I've experienced symptoms. Like a pouting two-year-old, I'm stomping my feet and having a tantrum. I don't want this. I just want to have time and energy to enjoy my family. My girls don't even know who I am, what I can do. They've just started to get a glimpse of me. I feel like I've already missed so much. Dramatic much? Yeah, I know. Hopefully, getting back on the low-carb diet will stop it again. I have to be honest, I'm not really looking forward to it. I like my daily mocha. I miss pasta & chocolate. Not as much as I like feeling well, but I still feel a sense of loss over it. Hopefully, that's what this is about, but it's still frustrating. It's scary. What if the diet doesn't help?
My mom asked me today if I'm depressed. I've been wondering if I am, but I don't think so. Depression would take energy, that I just don't have, at all.

Great Intentions...

I have this great intention of writing more. And if you know me, you know what that means...

Yeah, so I haven't been around for a while.

One thing I figured out this summer is why my back was taking so long to heal.

MY COMPUTER!!! Who Knew???

It seriously did not occur to me that the computer was contributing because I have a laptop. I work on my computer while sitting, or lying on the couch. I move around. A lot. I didn't think it was contributing because of the way I used it. Now that I know that, I'm trying to limit my time on the laptop.
Ummm, yeah, that's like asking a crack addict to scale back to once a week or something.

Since I have no self-control I'm not getting on my laptop as much. Don't get on, don't stay on too long. I check my email, tweet and Facebook on my phone. I get on my laptop for 15 mins to answer the emails I can't answer on my phone. I intend to do more, like blog, but I usually can't finish what I get on there for in the first place in 15 mins.

So that's where I've been. Or where I haven't been.
I'm here, but I'm limited in what I can do on the computer. When I don't limit myself, I can tell. It sucks. I'm trying to get on here more. And, hey, if you have any suggestions on how I can figure out a way to be able to here more, I'm listening...

Pain of a Different Sort

I think this whole journey is starting to get to me. Today was hard. Really hard. It's the first day of summer vacation & I was either super bitchy or on the verge of tears all day. This is all from emotional & mental issues. The physical pain is there, it always is, but the emotional pain was the worst it's been so far.

The girls sat on the couch this afternoon going over all the things they want to do with me, but haven't been able to because of my back problem. None of it was anything radical, it was things like riding bikes & running together. I would've cried if DaddySpeak hadn't rescued me from the conversation. I explained to the girls that I feel the same way, that's why I'm going through all of this; doctors appointments, physical therapy, epidural shots... but they don't understand any of that. They only understand that mommy says, "no" a lot about things. Things that all their friends' mom's can do. Things their mommy ought to be able to do.

I believe I'm in the middle of a trifecta of chemical imbalances (in my brain,) at the same time. You may think I'm off the deep end with this one, but once I tell you why, I may seem more sane than before. A few weeks ago, I realized that the neurontin, was fogging up my brain to a fault. I couldn't remember anything specific about conversations. Even conversations that had occurred less than a few minutes before hand. I was starting to get concerned about what I might be doing, while say, driving and not be remembering it. Realizing how bad it was getting I decided to pull myself off. The doctor and I had discussed how to do this when I first started the drug, so I followed his instructions from before. Guess what else it was doing? The neurontin was helping with my pain. I know, because of how much of it was back once I was completely off the drug. It was that, or I just couldn't remember how much I'd been hurting.

In the meantime, my other doctor wanted to schedule another epidural shot. After the last one, I did have some reservations. We had a discussion about where my pain had been & where it was now. We determined that I'd had about a 20% reduction in pain, which seemed about right. "Would I be willing to go through that for another 20%?" Well duh! If I thought I really was going to get another 20%, but that much is unlikely. It did seem to be helping some, and I'm at a loss for what else to do. The skin problems were resolving themselves, (with some help from the spa in Vegas,) so I signed up for one more round.

Also you may remember, I mentioned I had a visitor at this same time? Aunt Flo is not friend of mine, and has not improved my situation. The night before my epidural shot (Tues) I had a discussion with a friend about our shared perimenopausal symptoms. Long story short, her doctor had recommended birth control pills to help with the symptoms. I had my annual OB/GYN appointment (because an epidural shot isn't enough for me in one week) scheduled for the day after my epidural shot, (Thurs) so I brought it up to my doctor then. She agreed and put me on birth control pills. I started those on Friday night.

Do you see where this is going? Me neither. Oh yeah! My point, (yes, I did have one) is that in the last week:

• I've finished weening myself off a drug that was affecting my memory (neurontin)
  
• I've had an epidural shot (steroids)
• I've had a visit from Aunt Flo (hormones)
• I've started birth control pills (more hormones)

I'm not sure my emotional reaction to the girls was entirely because of what they were saying. I do feel awful about all the things there were bringing up. It was the first time they've done that to me, (probably won't be the last) but I do think there's some things going on chemically in my brain that really gave my emotions a big boost. Since they were negative emotions, it wasn't good. All day I felt awful, like I had a wet blanket weighing me down. Not only did my back hurt, but I felt queasy, achy, clammy... As the day progressed it worse, not better.

Saturday night the girls were sleeping over at my parents so we could go to a co-workers party. I begged off. Luckily, my husband knew I wasn't really feeling up to it. I think he was afraid I wanted him to stay home and babysit me. What I wanted & needed was some alone time. He took the girls to my parents house & went to the party. He sent me texts a couple times to make sure I was still okay, (and probably be sure I wasn't pulling a mind game on him). I had the opportunity to wallow in my pity party. I decided to have a drink, instead of a pain pill & things seemed to chill a bit for me. I watch some mindless TV on Hulu. It was pretty much what I seemed to need. Of course, I'm feeling a ton of guilt now; over not keeping the girls home, not going to the party with him, etc... because I don't give myself any slack.

This morning, Sunday, I was able to sleep in. We had NOTHING planned today, and I needed that. I'm much better. I've still got the black blob of unhappy in the back of my head, but it's not winning today. I'm not sure what to do, and maybe that's my problem. I'm at a crossroad of sorts, the stuff I'm doing for my back isn't working but I'm not sure what to do. Today I refused to take a pain pill till I really couldn't stand it anymore. (My personal protest against my body, I guess.) I also did two loads of laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, etc...stuff that isn't great for me, so 1:30 is pretty damn good, I think.
I'm hoping the big black blob of emotional pain was a "perfect storm" (drugs, steroids, hormones,) that won't show up again, but I'm seriously not sure. And upon reading this, I have to say, I'm playing this down a bit. The reason I started writing this is because I think I need help, but I'm not really sure what/how to do it. I've asked doctors time and again for a referral to a (mental) therapist and every time I get a "look in your insurance book" at best. I've had bad therapists, I don't want to make this situation worse. I get plenty of bad advice for free already. This bout I had yesterday, I had feelings that were...I wouldn't call them suicidal, I don't want to kill myself, and I wouldn't, but in a respect I feel like it wasn't entirely me. And they were really, really black. I don't know exactly how to describe it. It scared me. But like I said, I think it was the "perfect storm". I don't anticipate that happening again.

Fat Clothes

Had to buy new clothes today. This is the down side of the weather finally improving; summer clothes. It's been humid here too, so there's no getting around it, I needed some shorts & tank tops. I've been making due w/sweats & sweat shorts (I wear to PT) up till now. When my MIL visited she washed the shorts that do fit & has misfiled (put away in the wrong person's dresser) my 2 pairs of my (current) favorite shorts. Since I only have 2 other pairs (both white) I'm at a loss. Today at Target I found several pairs of shorts & some tank tops (that aren't clingy) & brought them home. I want to cry. I'm not going to tell you the sizes, but it's the largest I've ever been in my life. I'm so frustrated. I knew my general size, so when I was there I grabbed the size & bought them, figuring I could return anything that didn't fit. A couple of the tops fit, but I know they'll shrink w/washing, so they're going back. One pair of shorts & a skirt fit cute. One pair of shorts had pleats. PLEATS! What the hell people??? No one over size 2 should wear pleats. Good Lord! Really, I didn't accomplish much. I need to go do some more. We're going to Hawaii in a couple weeks, so I need to have some clothes to wear. I want to cry.

I started low carb & was really good...for TWO days. Then that went to hell. Turns out Aunt Flo was coming to visit & hasn't been in a while, so that was part of the problem. I'm getting back on that horse tomorrow instead of running behind it.
Going to try & power through walking two 15 min stretches a day. Will take pain pills to make this (the 2nd one) happen. I read a post tonight about someone I follow who has lost a bunch of weight. She put her before & after pix on the post (I think it's private, so I'm not linking to it for now). Her current weight is my current weight, but she's been running & working out so she looks GREAT! I realize that my real issue is that I'm not moving enough. Yeah, I'm in pain when I do, but I'm in pain when I don't, so really, what's the difference. I seem to do my best when I when on vacation & moving a lot. I believe it has mostly to do w/not driving, but I'm thinking that if I can get myself into better shape, it certainly won't hurt my back situation. I can't say I'm not doing it to lose weight, but the truth is really that I'm doing it to feel better. Losing weight will be an added benefit, which will make me feel MUCH better.

So here it goes. Starting tomorrow. Walk in morning & in afternoon. Put it in writing, so now I'm committed. You're gonna keep me honest people!

First World Problems

I can't seem to catch a break here people.
I don't know who I pissed off in my former life, but it must've been something good. I certainly hope I had fun doing it. And really, if that's the case, shouldn't I get to remember it? Who do I talk to about this?
Anywho, I digress (surprise!). Since, I last posted, 4 days ago, my pain had still not returned. A whole week! Woot! Yeah, don't get too excited, there are some reasons for that. Like, I wasn't moving much at all in the last four days. That fatigue thing I mentioned? Turned out it was the beginning of a virus. I don't miss a beat, I tell ya. Just to keep it interesting LittleSpeak got in the act too. Sunday night both her and I started running fevers. Let me tell ya, big fun to feel like crap, but have to take care of a kid who feels just as bad, if not worse? That's a level of fun that few get to experience.
On Monday, she was running 102 (ear thermometer, so probably 103) and I couldn't get it below 100 until 2:00 in the afternoon. I would've been more worried about it, but since I was running a fever (100, I avg 96, so that's pretty high for me) I wasn't really coherent enough to realize how it should be upsetting me. All she wanted to do was lay on me, which, I mean how does a mom say no to that. So we laid on the couch. I had the stream of Nick Jr. going, but after a while she just wanted to sleep. We laid there & sweated. Want to sit on my couch now? My virus, (Oh no, we can't have the same thing, we need to have something different so we can pass them back and forth.) included a post nasal/sore throat thing. Little's virus included a stomach bug. She never did get sick enough to throw up, but I know she wished she would on more than one occasion.
Tuesday, she was improving. Her fever was coming & going, she actually felt like eating a little and was happy to commandeer the TV. In other words, she wouldn't sleep. I was, of course, not that improved. I think it was rude for her to get better faster, considering I needed to nap and mope some more. Kids are like that though. Last night, I was running a fever when I went to bed, it's like a hot flash, but contagious.
Wednesday, I actually got dressed! I walked BigSpeak to school and took Little to gymnastics (Damn strait I took her! I need to wear that kid out!) My Mother In Law (MIL) was showing up today for a long weekend. It's Big's birthday weekend, so she thought she'd come to see us. My husband however, seemed to forget his mother was coming to visit and left the house in much of a state. My MIL comes to stay often enough that I'm sure she's seen the house in worse shape, but I prefer not to have the chores waiting for her when she arrives. (She's not good at leaving things alone.) I quickly scrambled to at least get the sheets on her bed changed. Check! And then to get the dishes out of the sink, which required unloading the dishwasher. Don't worry, I didn't get that far. The sheet changing was apparently "over the top" as once I got downstairs I felt my back spasm and familiar pains started down my right leg. I wanted to cry. I'd gone a whole week, more or less, without a pain pill! Granted, I spent a good part of that week lying down sick, but lying down has not been indicative of less pain, so I really thought the shots were helping. To have it potentially undone on the first thing I did is very disheartening.

I took pain pills, and laid on the couch as much as I could to try an help get it under control. I'm not dying or anything, but I'm pretty sure I'm not "off the pain pills" as I'd hoped. I'm not 100% for sure and Big's birthday party extravaganza is this weekend. Twenty 7 year old girls, glitter makeovers, fashion/dance show extravaganza! God help us all. I was feeling better when I signed up for this, I need to remember to stop doing that.

Yeah, I have a bit of a pity party going on these days. It’s frustrating at best. Part of me feels guilty when I get like this. No one is dying, or losing a limb. I have resources & support to deal with this never ending problem. I don't get to feel sorry for myself, there are so many people who have it so much worse. Upon thinking about it, I realized I need to allow myself some of this frustration without the guilt. What I have is a first world problem. No I'm not losing my home or dying, but that doesn't mean I don't have a sucky situation. Just because I don’t have the worst issue of everyone doesn’t diminish the suckatude.
I'm hoping that allowing myself to wallow a little in my suckatude (I love this word and will be using it often now) perhaps it will get some perspective and not last so long.

And maybe I'll catch a break one of these days.

Not Just Ruining Professional Baseball Careers

Had my last (3rd) epidural shot on Wednesday. That was 3 days ago. Honestly, I don't really seem to have any back pain now. The nerve pain is gone. Yup, you read that correctly. But before you start planning the party, you should know a few things.

1. I've been down this road before. From what I remember, I actually had a faster response to these shots last time, but they didn't last. In other words, I felt better, but I didn't heal. I'm reserving judgment this time.
   
2. I'm feeling better, and have more energy, but I'm tired. Like fatigued tired. My guess is that there hasn't been a ramp up to this new energy level. I have energy because it was all be routed to deal with pain. The pain was all the eff'ing time, so that's a lot of energy being put toward something. That does NOT mean I have energy to go run laps, it just means I don't have to sit down after each & every thing I do.
   
3. I have energy, but not strength. I want to do things, but I need to remember not to do them just yet. To pace myself. I should NOT be doing things that involve lots of bending over and/or lifting. Even though I feel like it's "probably fine." It actually probably isn't fine. Emptying the bottom of the dishwasher is one of the things I should avoid. Picking up laundry baskets also fall under this guise. Sounds like things that should be easy to avoid, but you might be surprised at how much they come up. I have lots of practice with avoiding these activities. This new found energy finds me awake staring at the sink of dishes because the dishwasher needs to be unloaded. Or the laundry basket that needs to be picked up. The call of those things can be surprisingly strong.
   

I have a whole new world of exciting symptoms I get to deal with now as well! Beside shrinking my testicles...or wait...I didn't have any testicles, maybe that's why they're so small now. ;-) I have the added bonus of a major break out, read: acne. Skin that is thin, dry & won't heal. Or won't heal very quickly. I'm scared to get a pedicure, and the thin, dry skin thing has made my heals a thing to be avoided, implying a pedicure is eminent. But I fear the beauty salon because of the healing thing and infection. My understanding is that steroids surpress your immune system, so I'm afraid of getting something serious (think MERSA, paranoid much?) and not having it heal. The skin on my face is a mess due to an acne break out & ingrown hair (chin hairs that have taken on new proportions, thank you testosterone increase,) that is out of this world. I assume these have stepped it up as a result of the steroids. I'm bloated, my face is rounder. So now, not just fat, but round faced, w/big ugly scabs & sores. Bet you're dying to see a picture now, aren't you? Fat chance.

I also have been dealing w/a very "fuzzy brain." I can't seem to remember things, or remember then clearly. That's not like me at all. Ironic, my brain was clearer when I was on the pain medication, than it is off. Go figure. My Twitter Dr. (who blows Dr. Google out of the water,) tells me that's more of an issue related to chronic pain, so maybe not from steroids, just from everything else. Not really a surprise. It's probably not new, I'm just trying to do and keep track of more, so I'm noticing it more is my guess.

I'm doing my best to keep some perspective on all of this. I am better, these things will pass & hopefully I will stay better, right? RIGHT?

An Afterthought

I'm not sure what to make of all of this. I wasn't going to write about it. There are some things you self censor about, and relationship issues with DaddySpeak are generally things I treat as off limits, unless/until resolved. Even then, there's usually a bigger issue that I'm talking about and the "resolved relationship issue" is a side story. But there's a trend going on here and I'm not sure what to make of it. Maybe you can help me make some sense of it. Sometimes, you're too close to the subject to see it clearly, forest for the trees and all.

In the last month DaddySpeak has regularly "let me down"about some (what I consider) fairly major stuff. He's had issues with scheduling for all three of my epidurals. Someone has to drive me home from the appointment. I also, should have someone around that day, just in case. He made it to the first one, though he had to call in sick, because he requested the next week off. I could tell from his reaction that some how this was my fault. It wasn't, not only did we talk about it over the phone, but there were texts involved. It was short notice, but he was involved in the decision. I wasn't too concerned, other than the response that implied it was my fault. I was frustrated, but you know, it happens.

The second epidural was also my fault because, I "didn't email the dates and therefore they don't exist if they haven't been sent in email." Yes, that's a quote. Again with the attitude that there is fault implied and how dare I expect him to take time off for this, again.

After that, I emailed the last date of the epidural to him. He swears I told him May 5. Maybe I did. I'm taking pain, nerve dulling & mild anti-anxiety drugs. I'm in a fair amount of pain consistently. The pain dictates my attention span more than I'd like to admit. It is likely that I will make some mistakes here and there. I would think I would've remembered noting May 5 (Cinco do Mayo) but maybe not. Anyway, on May 4th when it came up that the shot was not the next day, but the next week, I was told he could NOT take me on May 12 because he rescheduled a meeting that day based on being out on May 5. Um, OK. I don't know how important this meeting really was, maybe it was that important, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit my feelings were hurt. I worked it out with my parents to watch the girls AND take me to my appointment. I would deal with being home alone after the appointment. I've been fine the other two times, I suppose I'll be fine this time as well.

May 4th was also the date of my first physical therapy appointment since I started the epidural shots. The appointment involved mostly massage, and a little exercise. It didn't seem like much, but I was definitely feeling the affects of it by that night. I did not sleep well (i.e.--at all, more or less) that night from the pain. In the morning, when DaddySpeak was getting ready for work, I noted that he had already planned to take the time off. Since I was exhausted and hurting, perhaps he could stay home as planned. I was told no. He had things to do at work that day. This was the same day that after calling in the late morning to ask that he come home soon because I was NOT improving, Little jumped on my stomach. At that point, I called and TOLD him to come home NOW. I was seriously hurt and pissed.

So, my medical related needs are not the priority I feel like they ought to be with my husband. I can't say he hasn't been here for me in a big way on a day-to-day basis, because he has. And this has been going on forever. (In our FOURTH YEAR.) I get that. But like I said, I'd be lying if I didn't say my feelings were hurt.

On Mother's Day I don't think I had high hopes for much. But I did have a few small expectations. My expectations; sleeping in, a Starbucks mocha (preferable in bed, but not required) & breakfast (also preferably in bed, but not required). My mom's birthday fell on Mother's day this year, and as with all years we celebrated her b-day on Mom's day. This ends up meaning that once out of our house mom's day is pretty much over & it's my mom's b-day. It has always been this way, for me so I never gave it much thought, until I had kids of my own. I was going to host her b-day at our house this year, but because of my back issues my mom insisted she wanted it at her house. (I think she was secretly please, gave her something to fret over before hand and she could control the whole day to her satisfaction.) I think my hopes for mom's day for myself were small, but not small enough I guess. Little got up at dark o'clock. OK, I can't complain to much. She now sleeps in till SEVEN AM. No, it's not 10, but it's not 5:30 anymore either. She came in our room for snuggles. She wants to lay on MY side of the bed. (To get into stuff on my bedside table.) I convinced her to hit the middle of the bed, hoping she'd snuggle w/Daddy, and maybe I could go back to sleep. He tickles her till she gets annoyed and moves back to the edge of my side. Then he rolled over and WENT BACK TO SLEEP. Little will last, maybe, 30 min and then wants to get up for breakfast. I KNOW he was still awake when she started in to do this, but he feigned sleep. I GOT UP at 7:30 AM on Mother's day & made the kids breakfast. It wasn't anything fancy (toaster waffles). It's more about the point of it. This is like the one day of the year I ought to get to sleep in, right? Daddy got up at 11. Yeah, he totally slept in. When he got up he was all, "You let me sleep in till 11?" I just looked at him. I'm sure he did fall back asleep, but I KNOW he was awake when I got up with the girls. He then told me he'd be right back. He ran out and got me a mocha & an orchid. I guess, I should be grateful for the coffee & plant. It just felt so half-assed at that point, I was having trouble finding my graditude. Then I had to remind the girls it was mother's day & they had gifts they made for me at school. (It would have been nice if someone else had waited 10 minutes to get on the computer and reminded them for me. Maybe I'm getting into bitchy territory here, but I don't think it's much to ask for. I'm asking for some consideration.) Thank goodness for the schools or nothing would've happened for me. Because it was my mom's b-day, I then got to go to the grocery store 2x for the desert I was making. In the process, I saved DaddySpeak's butt, but reminding him to call him mom with the girls. (I did it for her, not for him.) Once at my mom's house, the guys all sit and watch TV, which means the women pick up, put together, feed the kids, and clean up. My dad did BBQ the meat, and do the dishes. But the dishes thing, was mostly because my SIL and I were in full protest by that time and refused to do them. I believe my SIL and I (and actually my BFF, which is another story) all should get a do-over on Mother's Day.

Today, I had my last epidural. This is the one he couldn't miss work because of a meeting. When leaving for work I noted to DaddySpeak that he would need to pick up the girls after work. That's when he sort of remembered I was having the shot. He never called today to see how I was, in fact, tonight he had been home for about 4 hours before he inquired. When he picked up the girls he said he was going to grab sometime to eat on the way home. I assumed he'd call when he figured out what they were getting to see what I wanted. He didn't. The girls came running up to see me and told me they had a surprise for me. They got me dessert. He "forgot to see if I wanted something." Obviously, I wasn't completely forgotten, dessert was procured. I wouldn't really think much of it all alone. The accumulation of these events is what's bugging me.

I get it, he's distracted. There's some stuff (position changes, people above him, not him,) going on at work, but he says it's fine. I don't know what to think anymore. I do know what I feel.
I feel like I matter very little right now.

Too Good To Be True - No Really

If I'd written this last night, I would've told you that I'd been pain-free (basically) since Thursday night. I had a Physical Therapy appointment that night and took a pain pill before it (precautionary) and that I hadn't needed a pain pill since then.

That's right, I didn't NEED a pain pill for 3 strait days. Crazy, huh?

But I didn't write last night, I went to bed. (Which is totally where I should be now, so this is going to be short.) Last night I did start to have pain, but nothing a little Advil couldn't handle. The muscles in my back were letting me know they weren't happy and spasms that tend to stay in my lower back area were traveling. I had a good one going under my right shoulder blade. But, like I said, nothing I couldn't handle. This morning I woke up and the spasms had increased. My back's way of early warning I guess. I took my Advil and got the girls off to school. I'd been planning in my head all the things I'd like to tackle around the house. Not having pain increases one's energy level exponentially. But, because I've burned myself in this respect before (meaning I have a tendency to overdo, I know who would've thunk it?) I'd been playing it safe. Laying low, feeling better, but waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak. I got home and decided to sit on the couch for a few minutes. Driving in the car did not improve the way I was feeling. After about ten minutes I finally admitted to myself the nerve pain was back. I realized I was trying to talk myself out of taking a pain pill. Gawd! Sometimes I'm a moron! It's not a contest. I don't win a prize for not taking my pain pills when I need to, and it's nerve pain, I need to! It's not something that's going to be massaged out or something.

I took a pill and laid down. I ended up having to play catch up on the pain, and honestly I haven't really caught up yet. I had a physical therapy appointment this afternoon. He spent most of it working on massage. I'm pretty spasmed out. It wasn't a massage that felt better, it woke up a lot of unhappy muscles. I did do some grocery shopping and such after my appointment, but that was all I had in me.

So, I was feeling better! Yeah! But now I'm feeling bad again! Boo!
I have my last epidural shot tomorrow morning (Wednesday) . Hoping that I have some big positive response to it. I believe this weekend was a result of the last one, so I'm hopeful. I suppose that's something, isn't it.

Kicking My Butt

If most people (my village,) saw what I was just doing, I would get my butt kicked. I bet one of them would seriously consider hurting me, if someone didn't kick it. A few minutes ago you could find me on my hands and knees with a kitchen scraper & cleaning wipe, working on cleaning the grooves in our kitchen floor. I'm sure it was a stellar choice for my back. I wouldn't really know, because it was already hurting and I just "went for it" ignoring the fact that I was in pain. I know what a bad idea it is, I get it. I really do. It's just so frustrating where I'm at right now. The floor was gross, it needed to be cleaned, I had the products to do so on me, so I cleaned it. But I'm gonna regret it in about 2 minutes. I know that too.

I am doing better. Really. I'm still in a LOT of pain. ALL. THE. TIME. But, you know what? That's not new. Since the shot, there's a baseline to my pain that has improved. So, yes, I'm in pain all the time, still. But NOT AS MUCH pain, all the time. My energy level is through the roof. I should qualify that. Normally, I do something and then I have to lie or sit down for an hour. (Get the kids off to school, lay on couch for an hour.) Now, I can get the kids off to school, stop at Starbucks for coffee, start a load of laundry and maybe even make a phone call before I have to lie down. You might think those things are no big deal, but trust me, moving the laundry load can be daunting when you're exhausted and in pain.

It's called babysteps people, and boy do I know about them. Because of this new found "energy" I'm tending to overdo. I have the energy to plan, yet not to execute. Before the shot, I didn't even have the energy to plan. It's progress, but it's progress that puts me on my ass & frustrates the hell out of me. But it's something, right? And it's all I've got for right now.

Not Such A Smart Cookie

Today, I finished (knock on wood) my turn as the "cookie mom" for Big's Brownie troop. Next year, when they ask for a volunteers, someone please kick me & remind me to volunteer to bring soda's to the Christmas party or something. I NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER want to deal with money again! Gah!
What possessed me to volunteer for such a position in the first place you wonder? Guilt. What else, would force a perfectly sane person to choose to deal in with this level of stress and NOT be paid for it? When I signed up to do this position, it was October/November. I hadn't volunteered for anything in ages. I had my surgery in January, so that pretty much explains why I hadn't volunteered for anything, and the year before that was the reason for the surgery. I'd volunteered for a few things, but not much. So I was finally feeling better when the request for the troop cookie chair came up. Every other mom had totally put out for the troop during that last two years AND everyone else pretty much took a big step back and looked at ME! I fell for it, because of the guilt.
Initially, it seemed like it wouldn't be a big deal. We only have 12 girls in our troop and we weren't doing booth sales. "We wanted some funds so help the girls do some fun things, but we weren't some super troop!" I attended the training & thought, "Ok, I can deal with this." And initially, it was fine.

Round 1
Explained process to girls (and their moms). Hand out supplies, due dates & we're off and running. Everything is great.

Round 2
Girls turn in their orders and money for donation boxes. (People can purchase cookies to donate to the military, Red Cross or local food banks. We don't actually handle these boxes, so council wants money up front to know how much to order.) Had to chase down one girl for her info and two girls for money. One girl actually didn't get her money in, but others had collected for some of their regular orders & it was $20, it was covered & I'd be sure to get it when she paid for the rest. First mistake. Lesson: Same rules apply to everyone.

Round 3
Input girls orders (order actual cookies). Deposit donation money. Pick up cookies. Sort & distribute cookies. This is where I started to get all, "what did I get myself into?" I knew, but I didn't really know, until we had to take a van 2x to pick up our cases of cookies. Good thing we weren't a super troop. Sorting, while not really a huge deal, took way more time than I expected, and took a major toll on my physically. Had to chase down 4 girls to come pick up their cookies. One of them, for over a week!

Round 4
Money starts coming in! There were some mix ups with boxes, so many phone calls related to that. I was good about documenting all the exchanges and receipts for everyone. (Thank Goodness!) About half the troop got all their stuff delivered and turned in their money early or on the actual date I deemed due. (I'm not a fool, I padded my dates because I knew there would be stragglers.) I was also able to get a troop to troop transfer set up so that are extra boxes would not cost the troop. The stragglers killed me on this one. So, half, six of the girls got their money in on time or early. For the other six, two of them called & brought it the next day. One of them called me every day for five days to make sure they could hold off just one more day. She also wasn't sure they'd turned in as much as they thought they had for donation (they'd turned in more) even though she'd signed off on the amount on a receipt. Gah!!! The last two to turn in, one lives a couple doors down from me, and was just sitting on it. The last, was supposed to come over after school drop off, the day before my stuff was due. I hadn't slept the night before, so I called to see if we could meet after lunch. She was doing something unrelated and obviously had no intention of making it to my house anytime soon. Day flew by & we never met up. Called her at 8 PM & asked if I needed to come get it or if she could bring it over, because I had till midnight to finish my computer work. When she brought it over, she felt there was a discrepancy in the amount they'd turned in during donation time. She too had signed a receipt for the amount, but now looking back, thinks it must be wrong. But,she just write a check for the difference if I disagreed. (Said in a particular tone, indicating she didn't want to pay that difference & sure didn't think she needed to.) I told her to go home, I'd figure it all out & if there was more due, I'd call her later. In the end there was money missing, but the leaders and I agreed we didn't want to strain friendships over it, and the troop ate the difference.

What I learned?
From the moment I deal with money, make sure I keep each individuals stuff separate, even the deposits. I didn't do this for our donation money, I deposited in the bank all together. I should've done each girl's deposit separately so I could go back with the bank record to show each person. Also?

I will NOT deal with money for an organization again!