Lately...

Girls had their dance recital today. Their dance school does a very extravagant one every other year; so this year was what they call an, "ice cream social." Dance school serves ice cream sandwiches at the end. They break it into 3 separate half hour shows so the little kids won't totally lose it, waiting around. Of course, that meant my two girls were in the first & the last of those three shows. We spent our day running around before & between shows; standard family stuff.

DaddySpeak and I had taken separate cars for the first show, because BigSpeak had to be there so much earlier for rehearsal. This meant no pain pills as I was driving. Between shows,I came home and felt frustrated because I'd, once again, picked things up as I left, to have them undone in the short time I was gone. I was also in a TON of pain. I started snapping at Daddy and the girls. He finally had, had enough and snapped back. He pointed out that he was dealing w/a leak in our roof all morning, but he "doesn't get credit for the stuff he does do, only the things I feel he missed." He was right. I apologized. I told him, "I'm just so frustrated. I do things and I feel like no one helps, and I know he does. I'm just frustrated by how I feel and how little I can do." He replied, "You're frustrated, I'm frustrated! There's been a lot of downside and very little up(side) these last three years."
He's right; only it's been 4 years. I hurt my back four years ago. I honestly don't know why he stays. I can't be very much fun to be around. I feel like I spend my days apologizing to him and the girls for all the things I can't do. Or the things I didn't do, so he has to pick up my slack. Between that, I'm yelling at him because I'm tired, in pain and frustrated, so I take it out on him.

Lately, I wonder if my family wouldn't be better off without me. I hold them back so much. I'm not fun to be around. Since I can't take the pain pills unless there's another adult around, I never get to the point of relief any more. I don't even eat dinner with them, by that time of the day my pain is so bad I'm flat on the couch. Sitting at a table is hard to consider. I lie on the couch, so I can be there and still be part of the dinner conversation. My reality for everything these days is, I get through it. I get through the day. I get through dinner. I get through their recitals, games, etc... It's not fair to them. They deserve more. They deserve a mom and a wife who can be present and happy. Who is more focused on taking their pictures, than how much longer till we're home for good and I can take something for pain and lie down.
This is not living. I don't want to pretend it is anymore.