More sunshine and rainbows!

Well 3 has gotten off to an officious start.
Let me start this off by stating that everyone I know w/young kids (3 & under) seems to be having similar experiences. All of our kids seem to have freaked the F out. I don't know if it's the moon phase or air pressure change or what, but in the last week it seems like all of our kids have turned into complete THREE YEAR OLDS (aka-monsters!!!). You know what they say about 3? It's 2 w/a year of experience. (I'll be here all zee week, don't forget to tip your bartenders and waitresses!)

So that being said; Little bit the crap out of me last night. You may remember we had some issues in the past w/the biting. (You know one of the catalysts that got us into a kiddie shrink for a while). But somehow this was worse. Maybe it was because she's bigger (and stronger) or maybe it's because she hasn't really pulled anything like this in quite a while, I really feel like I've failed her. Is that weird? Shouldn't I be pissed at her?

Here's what happened:
We started the day w/her in snitch anyway. My girlfriend w/the twins came over in the AM which was good cause she was just getting into stuff to push my buttons. So our morning was covered. In the afternoon we had gymnastics (also good, blows off lots of steam) and then M and planned to hit the outlet mall which now has a Crocs store. We dropped our car off at our house and in the 5 mins it took to get there Little had fallen asleep. Considering her mood earlier in the day I should've had bells going off and LET HER SLEEP. But it seemed silly to take two cars, so I woke her and we piled into M's van. Once there I realized I had forgotten a stroller (restraint device) of any type and then was reminded the entire time, why I don't shop w/both my kids. OMG! I suppose they weren't any worse than any one else's kids, but kids running around in a store drives me nuts! Just writing about it stresses me out. I can feel my BP rising right now. So anyway we head home after I spent 30 mins yelling at my kids. We get back to our house and Little runs to the grass so she can stand (safely) and wave bye. I tell her to come in and she not only ignores me, but runs down to the side walk & starts running in circles. (Remember what I said about pushing buttons?) I (more sternly) tell her to "get in the house NOW!", which she ignores. So I get her and march her by the arm into the house. Well, this was not the response she was looking for, so she's trying to hit at me & then tries to spit me (lovely new habit, she learned it at school). Now we're in our doorway so I give her smack on the butt (not a hard one, but a smack still) and tell her, "You don't hit or spit at Mommy!" She then turns around to me and screams, "YOU DON'T HIT ME MOMMY!" To which I reply, "You don't talk to Mommy like that! You're getting a time out." She's less than pleased and isn't going to participate if she can help it, so I pick her up to take her to the time out chair. Mind you, my back has been a mess since Sunday, so picking her up is really something I should be avoiding (and this scenario shows a lot of why my back is taking so long to heal.) So I pick her up so that her front is laying across my arm (my hand is holding between her legs and my arm is supporting most of her weight). She retaliates by clamping onto the inside of my arm WITH. HER. TEETH! She didn't get a big chunk either. No, she got like a "pinch" so I couldn't pull her off w/out ripping the skin. Instead I go to hold her like that while yelling at her to let go. When she finally did, well as you might imagine, my arm modeling career is done. I gave her 3 more smacks on the bum (she was unfazed) and put her into the time out chair. She's screaming and generally carrying on (I can only imagine what the neighbors must think.) And, cue Daddy walking in. He took one look at me and said, "What's going on?" I didn't say anything I just gave me a look and then showed him my arm. He was shocked (by now the bite, was red & purple and very swollen). I informed him that I was "done" for the evening, got a pain pill (for my back) and laid down on the couch.

Daddy, the saint that he is, took Little out back. She continued her tantrum for at least another 30 minutes. One part resulted in her spinning herself in circles and carrying on, while sitting on the deck. Her feet were bare, so that resulted in many large splinters. She, of course, wanted Mommy to get them out & make her feel better. Daddy told her, "No way, not till you apologize." This, resulted in more tantrum. Eventually she agreed to apologize & I worked on her foot till I had enough wood to build a small fire. Then we were done with the episode.

Now, while I'm not a proponent of spanking/hitting in general, I do think there are times/situations when it's warranted. In hindsight, I think I might have been better served w/some liquid soap in the mouth, but still the spanking is not what I'm feeling guilty about. No, I'm just sad because I don't know how to help her get past this. I feel like I'm failing her, cause she's only 3 and I should be able to teach her how to funnel these feelings more productively. I guess I'm feeling as frustrated as she does.

Today, after school, she was back to her funny, goofy, sweet self. Of course.

THREE!!!

Yup, that's what said, THREE!!!

Crazy how fast this all goes by. Seriously no more babies in my house. It does make me a little sad, they are growing so fast. I know, it's so cliche, but it's so true. I've written about her actual "birth day" in the past. And I've reflected on the past year. Truth be told, if I reflected on this year, it would not all be positive. And I want her b-day post to be positive, so I'm writing about her party. Somehow I turned this post into a testimonial for Build-a-Bear. But hey, they made my kid's day. Honestly, that's what I'm looking for in a b-day party; a very happy b-day girl.

We celebrated Little's b-day w/a Build-a-Bear party. We decided after my surgery that we would pony up for the girls' b-day this year & not kill ourselves before, during & after. Instead, I just kill myself during, you know, trying to get all my pix. ;-) Let me just say, worth EVERY. DAMN. PENNY! It cost us about the same as having it at home & less than the Pump It Up or Gym parties. I KNOW??? Who knew??? And we went full board ($25 a kid, you can go as low as $10 per kid and you're only required to have 6 kids for it to be a party). Every child left w/a great experience, a new friend and a groovy outfit. My child was THRILLED! The kids at this party ranged in age from 2-6, so a lot like herding cats in my opinion & our group leader was amazing; she could switch gears w/no problem. All the kids had fun, and were involved. My oldest has decided she wants a party there now and pared down her list to a number Mommy could live with. We already scheduled it & sent out the invites.

So everyone had a blast. Momma & Daddy were happy (feel like we got our money's worth & our baby's happy). B-day girl was THRILLED! And all the party goers were happy!
It's a win-win-win (get it 3 wins for a 3YO). Happy B-day Little! I'm so glad you're happy, it's what makes me happy.

Jinx

I keep putting off this post, hoping things will improve. Of course, I jinx myself or something, by writing that last post. Not really, I know that. But, as I've said earlier, this healing thing has been very "two steps forward, three steps back." So I've been more on the 3 steps back side of things and when I'm like that I'm not much in the mood to post. Lying on the couch doesn't leave much to talk about, you know? Things got real bad last Thursday night. I had a pretty intense Physical Therapy (PT) session that day, but I felt good when doing it, so I didn't think it was from that. My muscles were stiff that night when I was heading to bed so I took one of my muscle relaxers (haven't had one of those in several weeks). I woke up Friday and could barely move. It was super bad. AND my foot was numb! The numbness slowly worked it's way up my leg during the day and by the time Daddyspeak got home (and I could take a much desired pain pill) my leg was gone!

I thought I was done w/the numbness!

I only took half pain pills (vicodin) cause, even though it hurt, it wasn't debilitating and I wanted to know if I started to come out of it. (Plus those things really screw w/my sleep patterns.) I'd been taking anti-inflammatory meds all day (and icing) w/out any luck. Since I knew the disc wasn't pushing on the nerve, and I don't have excess scar tissue (something PT works on every time I go in) I figured something must've been inflamed and pushing on the nerve. While it was unpleasant, it did improve and by Sunday I was able to host Easter for my family.

My guess was that I might be a human barometer now. That was the only major change I could think of, that could've caused such a drastic reaction; we had a MAJOR pressure change Thursday/Friday. My back doc had asked if I'd noticed anything related to weather since I'd had the healing issues w/my bones; it's not uncommon for people to have that added affect.

I had PT again today & told them about my little experience. My PT did some extra massage on the vertebrae directly affected from the surgery. She thinks I might have scar tissue building/attaching directly to the nerve root. I guess the scar tissue isn't just on the cut itself. I was actually feeling pretty good before she started & by the time she was done it was hurting like heck and I had the pins and needles going down my leg. I did the rest of my exercises & was OK by the time I left. (I basically work out for 2 hours at PT.) I got home & capitalized on my energy burst (and the fact that Little was in school and Big was out w/G'ma) and did a load of laundry & got some picking up done. Then I was losing steam so I worked at my computer. I was pretty good (even got dinner on the table & ate w/the family tonight, Woo!) But when I started to clear the table my leg went numb. I took my cue & got my butt on the couch. I ended up taking a pain pill (full one) cause it was giving me waves of increasing pain. I did notice that if I touch the area next to my scar it's incredibly tender. That's new, so I think this is a reaction to the massage. I'm also thinking my little weekend pain jaunt was probably more related to PT than not. I iced my back again & I'm better. Still tingly, but not completely numb. Hopefully, it'll not get worse by morning.

So there's your medical post for the day. I feel bad that so much of what I'm writing these days is about this, but that's my life these days. I can say that things are still better and continuing to get that way. My energy level is improved and the pain I'm having is no where near what I was having in November and December or even in February or March. It's all about babysteps, but we are getting there.

Back to Me

No, this isn't a post about my back.
Really, it's not. Well, everything is about my back, sort of, but as much as anything in my life can be removed this post is just that. Removed.
Did you read my last post?
Recognize anything? No really, think about it.

ME!

Yes, me I'm back.
No, I never totally left, and I've been off the drugs for weeks now, but since Thursday I've been back.
God, I hope it doesn't go away. For the first time in months (maybe 2 years) I feel like I'm back to being me. No underlying current of pain in everything I do. I'm not pain free. Well, occasionally, like right now, I can get into a position that doesn't hurt, isn't even uncomfortable, for a period of time.
That's new.
Yeah, that's how bad it really was, there was never a time when it didn't actively hurt. Ever. Then it was just that I was always at least uncomfortable, if not in pain. But today, today, I've had periods of time when I don't hurt. Well, if I move I'll still feel it, but damn that light at the end of that tunnel is getting bright.

Last Thursday I saw my back doctor. He was IMPRESSED w/my ability. "Things were looking good, I had another month of Physical Threapy (PT) and if I needed more they would let him know, so he released me from his care. "
Wow.
I mean I knew I was doing well, but I still was having a lot of pain and are you sure? I didn't say anything. I was actually surprised during the appointment. I did my usually; touch your toes, bend backwards, walk; on your toes, on your heels, etc... The bending got me. It didn't hurt. Hmmm....that 's new.
Next day I went to PT. Had a different threapist since it was a different day of the week. It was like someone had lifted a layer of brick off my right hip & she was able to get into the layer of muscle that was really giving me the problem. Hurt like heck, but at least someone else could feel the place that was pulling everything forward. (That's the best way I can describe it. It feels like my pelvic bone on the right is being pulled forward, everything else along with it.) After, I went through all my exercises, they're getting easier still. She added two more and I was still done 15 mins earlier.
I was riding high when I left that session. You know when you work out and you have tons of energy at the end. Not, go run a marathon energy, more like you are finally really awake for the day energy. The kind where you want to hit your ToDo list & knock out as much as possible before you run out. I figured it would last a hour at most & then I would crash.

I haven't crashed yet.

No, I'm not on that euphoric super-charged high anymore. That lasted about 4 hours, and when it ended it was gradual. But my energy level is still up. I'm functioning like a normal person. I can knock out something on my list, like unload the dishwasher and not have to sit down for the next hour to rest after. Yeah, that's been my life at best for the last 6-12 months. Today, (Monday,) I went so far as to write a ToDo list, cause I felt like I could do some of it.

No, I'm not pain-free yet. But I'm drug-free, and I'm only uncomfortable, and that's not all the time. I believe I'm about to be back.

I have hope again that I can be the person I want to be.
The mom & wife I want to be and my family deserves. That makes it all worth it.

Originally written 3/30/09, and then I got a killer sinus infection for the next week or so. Yes, I'm feeling better and my medicine cabinet is stocked, so I feel fairly safe in making this post. KNOCK ON WOOD!

Thank Goodness for Fish Cake!

Today was not my most stellar day as a mom. I'm sure it's one that will stick in my kids' minds, but it's one I'd probably like to forget. I got a diagnosis; sinus infection. Some antibiotics, cough meds w/codeine & I'm on the mend, I hope. Today was the day our cleaning people come. In order for them to really be able to clean, the house needs to be picked up. It wasn't. Well it wasn't this AM. This morning when I got up I found that every single room in this house looked like the contents of the drawers/shelves/cupboards had all thrown up. I was too tired to be pissed. I got Big off to school & laid down on the couch. I then worked on the house 10 mins at a time w/my timer. The state of my house was the reason for my less than stellar mom skills today. At one point I told the girls; "If this house EVER looks like this again, I'm just not coming home till it's picked up." I think what made me that maddest is that it was like, "Hey, Mom's sick, it's a free for all!" As if I wouldn't notice or care. If the cleaners weren't coming I wouldn't have picked it all up, I would've made them all do it. My girls know to put their trash in the trash can & their dirty clothes in the hamper. I don't normally have to tell them to put their dishes in the sink when they're done or to put their toys away when they move on to something else. They know. I guess that's what bugged me the most, that they do it w/out being told if I'm around.

On another note, I discovered something about myself. You know when you're not feeling well you want comforting things. I realized that my version of comfort food is Japanese. Who knew? Well, I sort of did, but it's been a while. Tonight, I went out & got myself some Udon (Japanese noodle soup) and sushi. And now, I'm sitting my quiet, clean house alone (the kids & daddy are at the neighbors having pizza, although I did drop off a spider and part of a rainbow roll to daddy.) But I suddenly feel so much more human!

Nothing a little fish cake & wasabi can't fix, right?

She Plans & God Laughs...

Ever heard that expression before? It's my life lately. Last week I wrote a post about how much better I'm feeling, how I'm seeing that light at the end of the tunnel and it's gotten really bright lately, blah, blah, blah....

Then I got sick.
Got the worst flu I've had in ages. AGES!
Was sick w/it for like 5 days, w/no one around to help me out, G'parents on vacations. Yes, I know lots of you never have anyone to help you out, you don't live near family or they're gone, etc...I get that. But you've also got a back up plan of some sort, right? I'm getting there on the back up plan, but we're still sorting it out, because most of the time I don't need it.)

After 5 days of that I was feeling better and was ready to post my "feeling better" post and then I get sick again! I jinxed myself I guess. Not sure what I have now is not the same thing that just sat for a week and has turned into a secondary infection. What I can tell you is that I feel like creamed crap again. Bah!

I'm feeling bad enough that I asked DaddySpeak to stay home from work today. That's pretty bad in my book. I hate asking for help. HATE IT!

I slept till 11 (sort of, woke a lot w/sore throat & coughing) then got in the shower thinking that might help. It did, a bit. But my body is obviously at war & I'm feeling the effects. I'm super achy. Like typing does me in. And my neck is super sensitive from holding my head up. Seriously. (Melodramatic much? But really that is how I feel.)

So, once I get well, I will list that post. I thought it'd be nice for you to hear about something beside my bitching all the time. But after that, never again. I learned my lesson. Bitchy, snarky posts only from here on out!