Melancholy Me

Lately, I'm feeling all melancholy.

I think it's the weather, or my Fibromyalgia (Fibro) symptoms. Probably a little of both. Depression is a symptom of Fibro & I often feel I'm "one straw" away from breaking that camel's back. I guess for me melancholy is one step away from depression. It's so easy to get into a rut & feel sorry for yourself. Especially when your day-to-days seem to run into each other. I've been very reactive lately w/the girls being sick, my laptop dying, feeling like crap, etc...it's not good. That final straw seems to weigh more and more. I need to get more proactive, to take some of the weight off, but if you've been where I am, you know that's easier said than done. Don't worry, I'm not about to go off the deep end. I'm not walking around sulking & pouting, but it's in the back of my head. It's almost like I can see the blackness sitting on the horizon, waiting.

I'm still working on getting a handle on this Stay At Home Mom (SAHM) gig. (It's only been 18 months, after all. Looking like I'm not going to get a handle, huh?) I've gotten much better at learning my boundaries; read: "How to say no". I believe that my herniated disc was my teacher on that one. It's a hard lesson for me. Ms. Type A, unable to volunteer for everything under the sun. I hate being a flake more than I hate not being in charge, so I have taken big steps back on those fronts. Now, I don't volunteer for things until it's closer to the event. It's unusual for volunteers to get turned down, and since I'm not always sure how well I'll be it's been a good ploy for me. But it's hard on my ego. Now I'm working on my discipline. The lack of hard deadlines is still a tough one for me to wrap my head around. There is no "done" for a SAHM. I knew that going into it, but living it can still a hard adjustment. I know, if I get routines in place, and actually FOLLOW THEM, then I'm golden. It's that whole follow thru thing that seems to elude me. There's always laundry, dishes, picking up...it get old. But I also know if I get off my high horse & do it, I'm happier. I guess I wanted to remind myself of that. I also felt a little like, if I get this out of my head maybe it'll stay out.

Thanks for hanging, pity party is over.