HoliDAZE!

So things are super busy right now. The girls have managed to stay well for a whole week now, so that’s a plus.

Not only did TS get up on stage & sing for her X-mas pageant, but she smiled and did all the hand movements. You could even hear her singing! It was really cute & fun.

I am frantically trying to get things done for X-mas. I have these scrapbooks I make for the grandparents every year. I do a page a month for each girl. It was not as big of a deal when there was one child, but I doubled my workload this year. And since I’ve been overwhelmed (because of said double workload, i.e.--second child) I haven’t really been cropping so much. Like since July. So ideally I’m doing these two pages every month & it’s no big deal, realistically I’ve got 8 pages to finish in the next 5 days. I had more, but I’m working on a page a night & as long as I do that, they’ll be done in time. I also need to finish sewing BS’s X-mas stocking, but I have a few extra days to do that, so scrapbooks first! "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas..."

On another note, my grandmother is dying from cancer and has moved in with my parents as of last Tuesday. (This was decided on the Saturday before, so it’s a bit sudden.) She’s had this for like 10 years, they’ve put it into remission 3 times and this time she decided she’s 90 & she’s tired, so they aren’t treating it. This is my father’s mother & truth be told, she’s never been the nicest person on the face of the earth. She isn’t fond of kids at all & made that very clear to us when we were kids. Now that we’re adults she allows us to do stuff for her, so I wouldn’t say I’m exactly all broken up over this. I mean I feel bad for her and I don’t wish her ill or anything, but I’m not torn up over it. The reason I’m telling you is mostly cause it’s really flipping my mom out. She’s NEVER been especially nice to my mom and now my mom is stuck caring for her in her own house. (I suppose based on my mom’s treatment of me at times one could argue this is Karma. However, my mom is always well intended, just poorly executed at times. My grandma; not always so well intended.) Since my mom watches my kids this affects me in a big way. It also affects me because when my mom freaks out she takes it out on everyone else, especially me. So guess what’s been going on lately? No real details on it today, but I’m sure you’ll get some before it’s over so I figured I’d mention it.

My last Major stressor these days (and it’s big one) is that I’m having problems with my milk supply. Considering what an issue it’s become I’m kinda surprised I haven’t written about it sooner. Since “Aunt Flo” came to visit my milk supply cut literally in half like in a day. However, my daughter has not cut her appetite in half, so now that we’ve worked our way through my back up supply of milk I have a bit of a conundrum. We have found that she can’t seem to tolerate formula. She empties the contents of her stomach when drinking it. It’s scary & awful. I talked to her GI doctor who first gave some formula which is more broken down; got the same result. So he suggested soy; I can’t get her to drink it. I tried putting it into her cereal, but she gagged on it, wouldn’t have anything to do with it. So I’ve been taking fenugreek to try and increase my supply. Nothing yet. The doctor said if the soy doesn’t work he wants to do an allergy work up on her. I guess if it’s not one thing it’s another.

Oh, and to keep the party hopping my in-laws arrive Saturday. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Happy Holidaze!

Still Kicking

Yes, we’re still alive. I know I haven’t written in awhile. My bad. But honestly, here’s my life: THEY’RE SICK. Yes, still. And I’m sick of talking about the fact that my kids are sick, so I had nothing else to write about. I suppose I could’ve given you a literal “blow-by-blow” of TS’s stomach virus last week, but I kinda figured you’d appreciate my NOT doing that.

Actually, right this second, everyone seems to be more or less well. Knock on wood. I’m sure that will change before I even get to post this. During this time I had a birthday. So happy b-day to me! Guess I need to update my bio here. Woo! I'm a party animal like that. And I’m just trying to get everything together for Christmas. You know, like everyone else.

Of note:

BS started waving last week. Super cute!!! Sometimes she waves at you & sometimes she waves at herself. Either way she beams at you while she’s doing it. Yesterday she ate bananas & peas. Yeah, something green in her diet! Finally! And she also signed “more” and said “Mama” to me. That’s my girl!

TS has her school Christmas Pageant this evening. Should be interesting. I fully expect her to announce she’s “shy” as soon as we get there & not be willing to go up with her class and sing. At best, she’ll probably go up there, but look at the floor & not sing. We took her to Bonfonte Gardens Sunday (hey, she’d gone 24 hours without throwing up & damit we prepaid those tickets!) She had a blast. They sat on Santa’s lap there & I got a pretty cute picture of both of them this time. (Need to scan it in.) BS didn’t cry this time she just stared in awe at him. TS got off his lap & said, “I told him I wanted my Hello Kitty camera! I’m so happy now!”

It's the little things right?

Ho, Ho, Ho

So I still owe you a post about BS turning seven months, but I haven’t uploaded the pix from our camera in the last month. (Maybe tonight, hahahahhaha). In the meantime, yes, my children are still alive & well. Gratuitous photo evidence here.

On Friday, instead of cleaning the house I decided to hit the mall (with both kids, cause I’m a glutton for punishment like that) and go see Santa. Actually, TS was in a really good mood and her hair was looking really cute, so I decided to grab the opportunity while it existed. I’m pretty pleased with the result. BS isn’t smiling, but in about 2.3 seconds from when this was taken she decided she was NOT being held by this freaky stranger with facial hair. So all things considered it’s a really good picture.

I’ve realized that having two kids under the age of 5 means that it is very likely that we will not have ANY “good” family pix for the next 5 years or so. Inevitably someone will be looking the wrong direction or making a freaky face or blink even! In consideration of that; it’s a damn fine pix and the only one I may get for the next five years or so.

Don’t Fall Over

I know two posts in two days, get a hold of yourself. I’m having trouble focusing here at work so I thought maybe writing my personal blog will wake me up, probably not. I’m seriously considering going home (girls are at G’ma’s house) and taking a nap. So some good news: I could get pregnant again. No, I’m NOT pregnant; I just now know that I could be if you know what I mean. I know TMI, but my real point (and this is why it’s good news, cause who on earth thinks Aunt Flo’s visit is good news) is that it explains all this exhaustion and moodiness. I still think I am dealing with PPD, but this explains the huge spike in emotion that I’ve been having. I feel better knowing that I was right; it was my hormones and that while I might be going crazy, I’m on top of it. My mind doesn’t seem to be racing as badly today, maybe a light at the end of the tunnel.

So do you have an ongoing commentary of blog entries in your head as you go through your day? Or does this make me crazy too? I find that everything I do is accompanied by a narrative of that event for my blog. So I guess you should be thankful that I’m so busy or can you imagine how freaking boring my blog would be? You’d get thrilling narratives about my bad hair day or reheating my lunch. Wohoo! EX-CI-TING!

Alright, now that I’ve bored you to my level of tiredness I’m going to go pump. Moo!

Not Dead Yet

Sorry, to leave you all hanging. I go post about what a basket case I am & what a mess my life is in and then disappear. Like that?

No worries. We’re all ok. Everyone is (relatively) well again & I’m just trying to keep my head above water still, which is the reason why this post will be so short.

A large part of my problem now is the new drugs I’m on. I’m totally zinging on them. I feel like I’m on No Doze; I’m BONE TIRED. If you’ve ever been pregnant it’s the kind of tired you get when you’re in you’re first trimester. Yeah, that kind of “crawl under you desk in the middle of the day” kind of tired. BUT, my mind is on a whole different plane of existence; it’s racing. And by racing I don’t mean moving fast, I mean like someone with ADD on Meth. It’s a bit distracting. Yeah, that’s the word. One of my friends told me it’s my hormones getting into check. Let’s hope they do soon, I do not like this feeling at all. On the upside, I am not bursting into tears at the drop of a hat, so I guess that’s progress.

In the meantime, we’ve had Thanksgiving (which according to my mother, I ruined, but in true dysfunctional Speak fashion no one is discussing it anymore, so it’s like it never happened. I had a small spat with my brother, which we were over in like 3 minutes; other people got upset with me for responding to him. He acts like that all the time, I usually ignore him, but that day I got pissed. I’m the bad guy cause I didn’t ignore for a change. Whatever.)
We got and decorated our Christmas tree—yes, we’re those people (people who have their decorations up before the first of December) this year. I’ve never been one of those people before, it’s kind of weird. Our friends called & wanted to go cut down their tree and wanted us to go so they could use our minivan. We weren’t doing anything, so why not. Even though it cost us more then 2x as much as our usual Home Depot tree, TS is thrilled and having a blast over it. The tree will probably be dead by next weekend, but it was worth it. I had to pull out ALL of the X-mas decorations looking for our star which I never found. (I ended up getting a new one at Target.) So everything is out on the dining room table, but I got tired from decorating the tree & haven’t done the rest of it. Not really the mess I wanted to create. Hopefully, I’ll get some energy to get moving on that tonight.

And BS turned SEVEN MONTHS! I owe you a post just about that, but I want to include some gratuitous baby pix, so hopefully tonight or tomorrow.

Thanks so much for all your emails of support, it means a lot you guys. Really.

House of Ills

So lots to catch up on and not lots of time to do it. Plus I’m sure most of you aren’t reading this week since its Turkey Day and all.

My OB called me back Thursday night and was not happy with the fact that the office had referred me to somewhere else (who then referred me again). In the end the final referral doctor I got was the person who she would’ve directed me to (on vacation this week BTW), but she was not pleased at all about the way things went down. As DS put it, “you’d think that when someone calls and says I’m depressed they’d make it easy for you to get in, instead of making a highly unmotivated person jump through hoops like that.” Unfortunately this isn’t my first experience with this whole deal and I have to say in general it’s not an uncommon occurrence. I think part of the problem is that you aren’t “sick” in the sense of bleeding or something so often times the nurse or office person isn’t sure where to send you or how to deal with you. I have a similar issue when I actually get to see the doctor because I tend to be very rational about the whole thing.

Here’s how I do depression: if I get my arce out of the house you would never know anything is wrong. I get my self presentable; dressed in matching, clean clothes, (something I don't always manage when I'm not depressed, maybe should be the first clue,) make up on, hair done, etc… If you talk to me I will do my best to avoid any personal topics, and therefore will come across as quite rational. At the doctor's; if I do go down road of going through my personal issues I will even be able to tell you what my issue is, that I can only change my behavior (not anyone else’s), etc, etc….I can even tell you that I get it on a rational level, (cause I do) I just can’t seem to make the jump emotionally.
The catch: I try not to leave the house when I’m depressed. So I make it to my weekly doctor's appointment and they look at me like I’m insane for thinking I’m depressed; I’m sure a large number of their patients can’t articulate their feelings, much less their issues. I’m also guessing that many of them can’t get completely dressed, etc…So they act like I’m melodramatic, catastrophising and over reacting. Until…..I get so freaked out at home one day and don’t know how to control my sense of being overwhelmed, anxious or stop crying so I try to write it all down. I then take this nonsense to my shrink at which time they practically jump out their chair indicating that they “had no idea” I was having all these issues, and they I start to get some help.

Maybe I’ll take this blog post with me to my first visit, it should cut down on my need to meet as often.

Anyway, my OB wanted to see me in person regardless, so I went in. She told me that she doesn’t normally start out with a prescription, but since I have a history (of eating my young) and know what depression is and how it feels she doesn’t want me to wait on this one. So I got some drugs. I haven’t been on these before so hopefully they will work. In the meantime I’m doing things like (getting the flu) trying to write down all the things I did get done that day instead of hyper focusing on the ones that didn’t happen (and then beating myself up over it.)

A good friend sent me flowers this week (to brighten my day, which they did, they also made me cry and feel pathetic and needy, but that's one of my issues.) I wanted to post a pix of them cause they’re so pretty and they mean so much, but this is one of those things I haven’t’ gotten to (yet.) Normally I’d have missed my opportunity & they’d be wilting by now, but apparently 1-800-flowers gives you your money’s worth because they’re still gorgeous. So you may still get to see them.

Now, onto the house of Ill. Jeez, we’ve been sick!!! I finally took BS into the doctor (yesterday) cause I figured this thing was going to get it’s worst on Thanksgiving Day. I was right, the doctor said it probably is the cold she had a couple weeks ago as it’s moving into her ear & lungs. Doc was most impressed with her nose, when he looked up it, he exclaimed, “Wow”. Not a good sign. He said it’s pretty irritated, swollen & mucous-y in there. Well, duh. Got her some antibiotics so hopefully some relief very soon here.

I somehow developed a stomach virus on Monday. I made it to work and about 15 minutes into it got sick. I didn’t feel sick, but I had to change my clothes. (Yes, I was that sick.) Since I was scared to be away from a toilet for too long and I had an afternoon doctor’s appointment I stayed at home. And. Developed. The. Flu. Let me tell you watching a snotty 7 month old and about to be snotty 3 year old, while having aches & chills; no fun. (Even when you’re bribing them to just lay on the floor or you, by letting them watch episode after episode of Little Einsteins and Mickey Mouse Club House.) Poor DS got home & I handed him the baby and said, “you can do what you want for dinner, I’m going to bed.” Yesterday was better, but today I’m nauseated again. But I’m back at work, cause it’s more work at home with two kids.

So in summary; our kitchen counter looks like pharmacy, the pharmacist at Walgreens knows us by name & sight now and it’s been a long, long week.

Geez! Enough with the Sick Already!

BS is sick (still). Back to the doctor today. Seriously, the pharmacist knows us by sight now. I had a stomach virus yesterday. Can’t even discuss it, I’m so grossed out by it still. But in the spirit of being half full I probably dropped a couple pounds.

So more later when we’ve all recovered. If I don’t make it on here before, “Happy Turkey Day!!!”

Milestones

I haven’t written this week because I feel like I’m super negative & bringing everyone down. I’m fine, I’ll be fine, I’m just having a bi-polar, major PMS freak out. No seriously, don’t worry the kids are fine and I’m not going to harm anyone, I’m just having trouble controlling my emotions sometimes and can’t stop crying. But it’ll be ok, it’ll all work out it always does. I got a referral to a doctor (my old doctor still hasn’t called me back, nice, huh?) & have a call into her. I'll keep you posted.

So what has been going on during this time is that my kids keep growing on me (I refuse to say they are growing up). BS will be SEVEN MONTH next week. Christ, how the hell did that happen??? It’s just so wrong! She’s supposed to stay my little baby, doesn’t she know that? Didn’t she get the memo? Oh yeah, she can’t read. Damit! So she’s been hitting some milestones;

• Eating solid foods; sweet potatoes, squash, carrots, green beans (not so big on the green beans)
• Sleeping through the night. She was doing this before & her reflux started waking her up for the 3-4 AM feeds. Now that she’s on the new medication she’ll sleep for 8-10 hours. Queue Angels singing.
• Rolling over. She’s perfected the sit up, drop on stomach, roll over to back, roll back over to front. Very good at it in fact. She has not made the connection that if she continues to roll she can actually get places, but it’s just a matter of time. I’m not telling her, so you keep your mouth shut too.
• Drinking from a sippy cup! This one alarms me. It’s way too early for it. She tries to take my water bottles from me all the time. If you give her one she immediately puts it in her mouth & tries to drink from it. On a whim last night I gave her a sippy figuring she wouldn’t be able to do it. I was wrong. She isn’t allowed to have one again until she’s one.

TS, not to be outdone, has hit some milestones too. Not the kind you usually equate with a 3YO, but milestones nonetheless. Apparently, we have a 3YO going on 13:

• The privacy milestone: I open bathroom door since she’s been in there for 10 minutes, scream, “Mom, I need my privacy!”
• The locking (and unlocking) the door milestone: see above.
• The Tween milestone: (again in the bathroom)
  MS: “Whatcha doing in there honey?”
  TS: “My hair.”’
  MS: “Um, ok, well it’s time for dinner so come on out.”
  TS: “I can’t, I’m busy doing my hair right now.”
  
  

Ok, well now you can come do my hair cause it’s apparently turning grey from how fast you two are growing up on me. Stop it NOW or you’re both getting a time out.

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

So I’ve been MIA lately. I’d like to day it’s the holidays or something, but it’s not. It’s just me. I finally called a doctor about all this. I’m still in denial about the whole deal; I don’t want to believe that I’m having issues with PPD (or any form of depression for that matter). I’m not sure what it is about me that makes me feel like there’s something wrong with asking help on this, but I do have a really hard time doing just that. My family isn’t a huge help on this front. My mom has been known to tell me to “snap out of it” and “just get over it” in the past. But I have also had such bad depressive episodes that she was has been the person to drag me to the doctor (one time). Sso she’s a walking contradiction, what’s new? I think her (and my extended family’s) response to this is a lot of where my problem with asking from help comes from. I feel like I have to be a sobbing puddle before I warrant medical intervention; of course, by that time I’m not really capable of asking for it anymore. Right now I’d describe my situation this way: I vacillate between feeling overwhelmed, anxious, indifferent and very recently incredibly sad. Sad is scary to me. Sad is downward spiral stuff. Right now, I feel very bleak. My whole life just feels bleak. That’s not to say I don’t have happy moments, it’s just that the negative emotions have started to outnumber the positive ones and I think that’s a clue to get some help.

Keep your fingers crossed for me, last time I couldn’t get into this therapist for months. The one I had to “settle” for was less then stellar and honestly I think I mostly worked out my depression on my own last time.

On a positive note (Yes, I do have one occasionally these days) BS is doing much, much better. She just seems happier & more comfortable. And she’s SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT, still. She’s babbling a lot and seems to be associating “mamamamama” with me and “dadadadada” with DS. So smart. Wink.

KRAZEE or just Crazy?

This week has been crazy. Which is making me KRAZEE. At least I keep telling myself it’s this week. My folks being on vacation has been (as predicted) good for my self esteem, not so good for my schedule. I’m not sure I’m that much busier then usual (ok, mornings are way busier) but I feel that way. I feel like I’m hanging on to a small shred of sanity. My mental health, it’s not so good. Actually, it’s OK. But I realize that the little voice inside my head has been going nonstop this week. (It's the one that sounds just like my mother & tells me how fat I am, how my hair looks like crap, that my house isn't clean enough...you get the idea...) I feel like any additional thing will plummet me into…I don’t know. Maybe that’s the problem, I know that I’m teetering on the brink of losing it, but I’m not really sure what that will mean for me. I feel stupid calling my doctor; “um yeah, I’m not having full blown PPD, but I feel like it’s coming, do you have something for that?” Enough about my mental state or lack thereof, onto

BABY UPDATES:

BS has been on the reflux meds for 6 days now; I have not had any spit up lodged down an article of clothing in the last 3 days! (She has a knack for getting it down my shirt and bra or the other night she hit a new low—down my jeans!!! Very attractive I know.) That doesn’t mean she hasn’t spit up on me or spit up at all for that matter. It just means she isn’t projectile vomiting. I am hopeful for the first time in months. The spitting up also seems to be limiting itself to during or right after eating, it’s a good sign. So far, no side effects. She has also been sleeping through the night for most of those 6 days. TS’s cold had gotten me up at the usual 3 or 4 AM slot during several nights, but the last three have been completely devoid of interruption. Did you hear the heavens open up & the angels signing? I think we maybe on the downhill on this one.

I demand a Recount! That’s TWO sick kids today!

Just love my days off lately. BS woke up with TS’s cold.

Great. It just keeps getting better.

On the up side TS did finally agree to take her medicine & has been much better for it. This afternoon now she asked to take a nap. She does NOT nap, so she’s really sick. Right now, they’re both napping. I know, OMG! I never thought I'd utter those words. So, what am I doing with this time? Am I catching up on that elusive sleep? Am I cleaning my disgusting house? Am I exercising? Nooooooooooooooooo, I’m blogging, of course.

Very productive.
Go Figure.

Listen, if I thought they’d let me sleep for anywhere near an hour I’d be all over it, but realistically it’s half an hour tops. So forget it, I’ll just end up frustrated.

On a more serious note, BS’s appointment went well. He upped her meds and he wants to start her on the drug that actually treats the reflux instead of just the acid. He said, (insert Swedish accent, I want you to have the full effect) “She had true reflux because she projectiles hours after she eats, so it’s not overflow, it’s an actual problem with the maturity of the muscle and a slow emptying stomach.” This is opposed to fake reflux I guess? I told him I was lukewarm on doing those meds because they do treat your nervous system & the side effects are irritability and sleep disruption.

I don’t know, it’s a big deal, she’s a little baby…I’m a mom who isn’t sure what to do.

He told me that the drug has been around since the 50s so they actually know a lot about the side effects of it and that it’ll either be helping or not within a couple days. If not, we take her off it & there are no residual affects. I guess I feel better about that. I’ll feel a lot better if she gets relief AND has no side effects. (The side effects only happen 5% of the time, so there’s a really good chance she won’t have them.) I’ll keep you updated on how that one goes.

Ok, I’m off to try and pick up the house a bit. Maybe, just maybe I’ll get to walk this afternoon and USE MY NEW F'ing STROLLER FINALLY!!! But with two sick kids I doubt it.

sick, sick, sick

Sleep has been intermittent this week. BS spent a whole week w/out getting up in the middle of the night and then last Sunday she started again. The spitting up (aka-projectile vomiting) has also slowed way down until then. Notice I said, "till last Sunday", I'm back to doing tons of laundry this week. We go back to the GI specialist today I’m hopeful they will up her meds and we will be on our way to many, many long sleep filled nights.

TS has a rotten cold. She started with it yesterday and this AM got me up at 6 crying at my door,(I was back in bed hoping to get to sleep till 7:30 after a 4 AM wake/feeding w/BS) “I don’t feel good mommy!” It was more like wailing and I couldn’t get her to take any medicine. She might have a swollen throat too, but I can’t get a good look at it. She’s too upset about not feeling good. I got frustrated and finally said, “Fine, call me back when you’re ready to take your medicine,” thinking she say, “don’t go, I’ll take it.” Which is her typical deal, but instead she rolled over & is trying to sleep. I say trying cause she’s got a horrible cough and I can’t imagine there’s much resting/sleeping actually happening. I’m sure the GI’s office will be thrilled when I walk in w/my germy big kid today.

My folks left for Mexico for a week today. Good and bad. The bad part; I have to put BS in day care 3 days next week & I'm a freaking basket case over it. She's so little & even though TS goes to this school, I'm just not feeling warm & fuzzy about BS spending all day there. It's not them, it's me. So, the good part; My mom has been really, really negative lately:

I got my stroller and she came in and saw it and said, (very sarcastic tone)
“Who do you think is going to ride in that? TS won’t ride in that. Guess you
don’t have to worry about anyone ever taking it. She doesn’t like the color or
the price, but won’t come out and say it, so she’s super passive-aggressive
about her feelings on it. The other night, in a relevant conversation, I
mentioned to her that I can’t find my sewing machine right now (it got put
somewhere safe while unpacking and now I can’t remember where it is) & she
held up her hand for me to stop talking, (Cause she’s apparently so disgusted
with me,) turned around and walked away from me!

If a friend responded to me in this way, well, they wouldn’t be a friend would they? It’s no wonder I’ve had problems with depression. She couldn’t be more of a be-yoch if she tired. Sigh, I just don’t have the bandwidth to deal with her any more right now. I’m sure TS’s cold is somehow my fault as well.

It’s good that I’m getting a break for the next week.

TS is back up. I’ll update you on the GI appointment & I want to write about Halloween, but need to post some pix too—soon, I promise!

6 months

I want to write something beautiful about our first half year together. How much you’ve changed our lives for the better. How I love the way your face lights up when you see one of us (especially your sister) and that silly little grunt of happiness you put out. How surprising you are; you’re so damn small, but you act your age by doing things bigger, but younger, babies can’t do, like rolling over and sitting up. There’s so much more and I want to put it in some eloquent way, but this sleep thing, it’s just killing me. It’s definitely the reason why the post about you turning 6 months is 5 days late. So I’m going with the sleep deprivation as my excuse for a less then stellar post. You deserve so much better baby.

It’s so hard, because most of the time you are so damn happy I can’t stand it. You entertain yourself with your toys (you’re especially fond of your lion & whozit) and you already “play” with your sister, which is soooo awesome because I so want you both to be good friends and it seems like you already are. You started food this week and as expected, you love it. I can’t feed you fast enough and you get so upset when we’re done, but that’s ok, I’m trying to make sure you don’t eat too much in a sitting and make your poor little tummy worse. You’re best time of day is at night, you eat about 8 & are ready to par-tay. You’re so much fun during this time. Daddy and I get you all to ourselves (cause big sis is in bed) and you giggle and play peek-a-boo with us until you finally drop off in Daddy’s arms. I do a sleep-feed with you and then we recline on the couch for half an hour (because you have to stay upright for at least 30 minutes after eating.) It’s a nice excuse to get to hold you & snuggle.

.....And then the reflux kicks in, and you and I are doing our 3AM dance with your little legs pumping to make it stop and your alternating screams and whimpers. I hate this. I hate that I have to work and be away from you during your happy hours. I’m less then you (and everyone else for that matter) deserves these days because I’m not getting much sleep. I’m so sorry you have to go though this sweetie. They keep saying it will get better, and it has to some degree. But I pray for the days when we both get to sleep through the night and play all day. I know they’re coming. In the meantime, Miss BS, I will dance with you however long you need me too. I love you so much.

Boring but Informative

Doctor’s appointment went well. Both girls got their flu shots—yeah! TS didn’t cry at all and BS didn’t start crying till her 3rd (of four) shot and stopped as soon as they were done giving the shots. My kids are so good like that. BS is still in the 5th percentile for weight (13#, 5 oz.). She’s jumped on the height chart to 25-50th percentile (from the 10th), which is how TS is built too. TS is 50th for weight & 95th in height. I believe both girls will be tall & thin (like my MIL; that woman has the best metabolism! Hopefully they got all that from her. Just pray that they don’t get her feet; shoe size-11! Yikes!) I’m giggling about BS’s weight, we got an email from a childhood friend of DS this AM. They have a 4 month old little boy; he’s in the 95th percentile at 18#. I know EIGHTEEN! Her doctor told her he’s the size of an average six month old at four months. So I guess my six month old is their average four month old. Her back must be killing her. I can’t imagine.

I talked to the Dr about my stress related to SIDS and reflux and he told me what I already knew; no known correlation. He also told me that while reflux is being diagnosed much more now; the incidence of SIDS has not gone up, which is good. And the risk of SIDS goes down exponentially at 4 months, 6 months & a year. I guess that makes me feel a little better. If my sleep gets better then we’ll know for sure. He told me to go ahead and start food with her, so last night she got to have some yams with us. DS wanted to know if she ran over to the doctor to give him a hug; this kid wants to eat people food so bad it’s not funny. I only gave her an ounce so if it wreaked havoc on her stomach it wasn’t so much, but she seems to be fine.

Ok, this is such a boring post I’m falling asleep. Not just from sleep deprivation, cause BS has slept at least 7 hours the last 4 nights; actually 10 hours the last two, so maybe the medicine is working. But I felt obligated to let you know what’s happening, going to the doctor and all.

Hopefully new baby pictures later in the week. I know it’s been a while. We’ll see, w/Halloween and all I may not be able to get anything up before that.

Easily Distracted

Boy is that an understatement. Going to make this as quick as possible because I NEED to get to bed! (If I had a dollar for every time I say that…)

BS seems better. We’ve had 4 nights in a row w/6-7 hours of strait sleep! Getting to sleep was another story, so it’s not great, but it's better (I’m sure I just jinxed that now & will be up with her in a couple hours again.) We go to the doctor’s (pediatrician, as opposed to the GI Specialist, yes I feel like I live over there. All our doctors seem to be in the same complex so I’m pretty sure I’m getting my own parking space pretty quick here,) for her 6 month (I know, how the heck did that happen??? She’s too little to be SIX MONTHS OLD already!!!) appointment tomorrow. So I have a list of questions for him to refer me to others about. (Ok was that paragraph distracting enough? That how my brain is ALL THE TIME NOW.)

I’m creating new things to get stressed over with her. I sort of don’t want to mention it because my anxiety level is so high over it already. (It’s related to SIDS and kids with reflux and there I said it, so maybe it’ll go away & I can sleep for a change.) I have no reason to be anxious over this, she hasn’t done anything for me to think this is a problem. I just got an idea in my head about it and now I’m totally stressing about it. Apparently, I must just need more drama in my life. I should know if I can officially get stressed about this tomorrow after our appointment.

OK, so “Look! Something shiny!!” Long story, but I’m getting my X-mas/B-day/Mother’s Day gift from this last year. I just bought it. DS, while well intentioned, did the “here’s what I want to order you off the Internet” thing for these gifts last year, but then we never followed through. So I finally found something ridiculously expensive and I’m justifying the purchase by remembering that I never actually got any of those gifts. Do you like it? I do. I haven’t been walking very regularly since I started work and a large part of my excuse is that BS has gotten too heavy for me to carry her in the front pack while pushing TS in the jogging stroller. Remember I have a dog on each side when I do this. I’ve put on 5 lbs as a result (the emotionally eating I’m doing over BS’s problems isn’t helping either I’m sure) So I can push both of them in this (easily, our friends have one so I tried theirs out) and still walk the dogs. No more excuses. Plus the cost alone will make me use it every day for the next year.

Ok, that was my version of keeping it short.

Tiny Dancer

We sway in our own little dance in the dark. Me holding her close, trying to ward off the cramps that her body seems to be racked with, Her, curling into my shoulder whimpering, occasionally when it gets really bad, screaming from the pain. I do my best to soothe her; we rock in the dark, I murmur quietly in her ear, she starts to doze. She is so tiny. So perfect. Just as I think I can put her down again her back arches and she screams in pain. Again. We start our dance over.

Wash, rinse, repeat…

And so goes the wee hours of my mornings.

I hate to listen to my baby hurting. The lack of sleep wouldn’t bother me nearly as much if my staying up would somehow bring her some relief. But instead she’s in pain & I’m exhausted. I guess it could be worse, she could be waking up the rest of the house. I have a call into her GI specialist about what I should expect from the medicine and when. I stopped eating soy (luna bars) on Tuesday, on Sunday I drop dairy. Then I’ll be really fun to be around. Thing is, she’s happy most of the time. Very sweet, fun, happy and then come middle of the night all hell breaks loose on her insides.

I just wish I could fix this for her.

Gimme a break!

Know what I’ve been doing today? (I’m at work.) No besides writing this, something equally productive and (non) work related. I’ve been figuring out our personal budget.

I F’ing hate it here! Ok, I don’t hate it. But I don’t love it either. I actually spent most of the morning in meetings finding out just how F’ed up this place is. Honestly I don’t care. I really don’t. Since I don’t care I’m not that inclined to help them fix it which is what is going to be expected of me. Because of the reorg I am being asked to do many things which I had no part in previously. The fact that a few managers saw my resume and realized I know how to do these things hasn’t helped the matter. That same fact (that I’ve done these things before at other company’s) is why I don’t want to do any of it. These are all things my previous boss dealt with. She worked full time. I, do not. This is what I would call a cluster fuck. Not a new term when dealing with business, just something I really don’t want to deal with anymore. I have one of those (a CF) going on at home, I don’t need anyone else’s. So instead of working on a plan to fix the crap at work, I went through our spending for the last 6 months to see where we stand. (If there were a chance in hell that I could stay home. Hahahahahahahaha…) We fall right into the category of needing my husband’s salary plus $1. Amalah’s description, not mine, but an accurate one, so I’m stealing it. We need ONE of my paychecks to be comfortable. It’s very frustrating. At this point we couldn’t get a cheaper mortgage by buying a smaller house, so no need to suggest it. When we moved last year I made sure we set things up so that our mortgage payment stayed the same; i.e.--more money down. (We’re paying the same for our 5 bdrm house as we did for our 2 bdrm. Crazy I know.) It’s a smart move & in a couple years it’ll be really smart, but I want it to be that smart RIGHT NOW! I realize that part of my problem is that I get no breaks now. Before TS went to school two days a week & I could “get things done” on those days. (I could've even napped, what was I thinking????) Now, I’m at work while she’s at school. No Breaks. I need one. I’m tired and sad & don’t want to be here. Sigh.

Eyes Wide Shut

Ok, so I had great intentions of getting in some blawging this weekend and but I also had great intentions of SLEEPING this weekend too. I know, I’m so crazy like that, wanting to sleep like 5 hours a night or something. That’s me; wild & crazy girl. When reading the post and realizing that it’s rambling and incoherent (more then usual, shut up!) please understand that I’m averaging about 3 hours a night right now. No, that’s not all at once.

Yeah, so that reflux thing, not going so well. Actually BS might be better today. She slept most of the night last night & didn’t really get upset until later in the evening. But since I wrote last, she’s been getting up around 3:30-4 every morning. On the one night when she stayed up late (1 AM) I ended up getting up with TS over bad dreams at 3 AM. Since BS slept though her 3 AM thing she decided to get up at 5:30 that morning. They’re plotting against me I’m sure.

The outlaws left today. I’d send out a cheer, but I’m too tired. It was an ok visit. It was intrusive as usual, but less intrusive then past visits, so count your blessings right? I realized during this visit that I’m good for about 4 days (a long weekend) maybe 5 and then I’m done. (i.e.—I start getting bitchy) During my 5 ½ years of marriage I’ve concluded that I’m a somewhat private person. (I didn’t realize not everyone is like that until I met my Outlaws.) I lived a lone for several years before meeting DS and I enjoy an evening here and there alone with a book or the remote ALL BY MYSELF. DS is also like this, but his parents, my outlaws (at least my MIL) don’t really get that. I can tell she tries to give me some space once in a while, but it’s not in her nature & she can’t back off completely. So their visits become exhausting. Because I can tell she’s trying (the trying part is new) I am trying not to be so bitchy. So visit went ok. They’re talking about coming back at X-mas. Woo!

I went out both nights this weekend too. (I guess I could tell everyone that my lack of sleep is from all the FUN I was having. HA! That’s almost funny.) Friday afternoon a girlfriend called & asked me to go w/a group to this wine tasting bar nearby. I figured I would fall on my face after half a glass, but decided I really NEEDED to go. It was fun. We even went to the pub next door and had a drink after we were done wine tasting. You know, like real adults! (The rat-bastard working the door at the pub didn’t ID us! I know ,how rude!!!) On Saturday, DS & I went out on like a real date. We went to this restaurant Straits; very good food. It was fun to do something just the two of us. This was a also a good chance to see what “the kids” are wearing these days. Oh My! (It’s the 80’s again.) So glad I’m not in the dating scene any more. Ok, I need to get my 45 minutes of sleep now. More later.

Getting my ass kicked daily!

Jeez it’s been crazy here.

So we had our appointment w/the Pediatric GI Specialist yesterday. The day before we met with him our regular doctor called & informed us that she had “severe reflux”. Oook, what does that mean exactly? We kinda knew that right? I mean that’s why we’re going to the specialist, right?

So anyway, I think the specialist was impressed with how much we’d done so far (eliminating dairy for a week, rice cereal in bottle, propping her up after feedings, various levels of drugs, etc…) He would like me to eliminate soy (read: luna bars) for 5 days and then if I feel up to it to add dairy along with it to see if it makes a notable difference in her condition. Bah, my lifeblood; Luna bars & vente mochas. Before I do that I’m going to give her 5 days on the round of meds so I have a baseline to know how much improvement is from the medication & how much is from the change in diet. He also wanted to know about how often she poops; the more she goes the less there is to come up right? She goes every 2nd or 3rd day (which is really weird to me because you could’ve set a clock by TS, the kid went like every day at 11 AM. I know that’s actually a little weird, but I meant it when I said the kid liked schedules.) He said BS is normal, but with what is going on with her it’d be better if she were to be going every day, so she now has some pear juice added to her rice cereal. We’ll see how that goes. Should boost my stats since my readership goes up whenever I discuss poop.

The meds he put her on are a stronger version of what she’s currently taking. These are both acid blockers & don’t actually treat the reflux problem, but knock down the stomach acid so the child isn’t hurting so much. If this doesn’t resolve the problem they‘ll go to a round of drugs that actually treats the reflux itself. They don’t like to prescribe these drugs if they don’t have to because they can have some significant side effects.

So we’re all good right? Except that the pharmacy doesn’t carry the drugs he prescribed her in the medium he wants (they have it as pills, not so good for an infant). The pharmacy wanted me to call him & get him to go with a different drug & I told them they needed to discuss it with him, I wasn’t playing intermediary. If the doctor feels strongly either way they could work it out. Just get my kid something to give her some relief! They apparently couldn’t work it out before business hours ended yesterday so I wasn’t able to get the drugs until this AM (doctor insisted on the original prescription he wrote.) We gave her the drugs she’s been taking as usual and thought it would be fine. Hahahahahahahah, that's what we get for thinking...we really could’ve used the new stuff.

First some background; TS is sick with a really bad cold. She stayed home (with my mom, the Outlaws went to the beach for the day yesterday, yes they're still here too) from school, which is another story in itself. Anyway, after the appointment I had TWO SICK KIDS at home with me. No freaking fun. BS spent the afternoon & evening screaming & TS vacillated between meltdowns and playing quietly, more on the meltdowns then the playing quietly. In the end BS was up till about midnight last night being super fussy & “spiting up” (lately it’s gotten to be much more projectile, she should be hitting the milestone of her head spinning around very soon now). At 3:30 this AM she was back up, inconsolable. It took me till 5 to get her back to sleep. I emailed work that I wouldn’t be in until noon. I figured with the Outlaws here I could sleep in till 9, get ready for work, nurse her, get her meds & then get off to work. I did do all of that, but BS woke up screaming at 8 again, so less sleep for me still. I’m feeling so bad for her (And for me too now that I read all of this) I did get her meds so hopefully some RELIEF tonight.

So that is why I’m getting my ass kicked on a daily basis.

Holy Spew Batman!

So BS had her baptism yesterday & the outlaws are visiting for the week. I can’t really write much because of their visit (limited computer time). The party for the baptism was really nice and I’m glad it’s over. (Too much time w/my mom—I’ll fill you in later.)

But look! Gratuitous baby photo! Baby in impressively cute christening gown! (Father’s grandmother’s gown & bonnet to be exact.) And look, mom w/hair blown out AND make up!! Yes, in fact it was a full moon.

Today we had an upper GI for BS to confirm her reflux. Which she does have, and let me say I have the most excellent baby ever! She couldn’t eat 4 hours before the test which was at 9 this morning. I had good intentions of getting up at 4:30 to feed her hahahahahahaha, let me pick myself up off the floor now. That obviously didn’t happen. So she hadn’t eaten since 8 PM the night before. I expected her to be screaming the whole time in the waiting room, but not at all. And during the x-ray part she laid really still & was super good. She let us turn her which ever way we needed no problem, & drank the crap they needed her to drink like a trooper. We got home I gave her the milk I pumped earlier & has been good all day. The radiologist confirmed she has reflux (thanks, do you think the fact that she spewed all over me right after the test clued him in?) and that they didn’t see anything else. That was actually useful and good news. So on Wednesday we go to a pediatric GI specialist. I have no idea what to expect from that. I'll keep you posted. More fun!