Speak’s Anatomy

So newsflash; I have nerve damage. My right foot has no reflex right now and shows weakness. I had to go to a doctor to find this out? The only real question is if the damage is being caused by a herniated disc or from the epidural I got during labor. Bah! I’ll be having an MRI & a nerve test next week to determine which it was & the extent of the damage. If it’s the disc, the amount of damage my symptoms seem to be showing are pointing to surgery. Christ! That’s what I need. So let’s all pull for epidural shot as the cause, which they will treat with another epidural shot only with steroids this time. There goes my shot at the baseball hall of fame…oh yeah, I don’t play baseball.

So I feel somewhat validated in all my whining now. And my approach; chiropractic, PT & pain meds is exactly what I should be doing, so that’s good to know. I’m still irritated that the first doctor made me wait for two weeks to get into the orthopedic guy, but I can’t do much about it now, so trying not to dwell.

BS had her NINE month appointment today. She’s 15# 4oz and 27” (in case you’re keeping track). She’s just below the 50% for height and off the chart for weight. Yup, she’s less the zero in the weight category. That means that 100% of the kids her same age are bigger then her. Doctor says they typically drop a little at this age because their activity level has increased so much, so he’s not worried. If he’s not worried, then I’m not worried. She’s gaining weight, so that’s all they’re really watching now. He’s ordering some predigested formula for her; he wants us to have a back up for my (lack of) boob juice so he’s working with me to get her to take it. I’ll let you know how that goes. She got two shots today & didn’t even cry. We’re nursing every 3 hours, which means…I’ve got to go again.

Cheers!
Say a little thank you prayer for vicadin!

My children speak

So things are pretty much status quo around here. My sciatic is pretty much the same, now my neck has joined the fray—just to keep things interesting. I do have an appointment with an orthopedic doctor tomorrow, so hopefully something good and immediate will come of that; like a shot in my ass that will give me feeling in my foot and lower leg and get rid of the pain I’m feeling in the rest of the leg, blah, blah, blah….You’ve heard it all before. Dude I’m tired of talking about it, I can’t believe you’re still reading it. You must really not want to work today, huh? Yeah, I know me neither.

So a few updates;

BS has spoken! My brilliant genius of a baby has said the word “kitty”. She says it quite clearly, has said it several times now, in front of several people and at the appropriate time. You know, when one of the cats shows up. She says, “gee, gee” for dog, cause we say doggie. She is also signing the word “more” (mostly for food). She waves “bye”, and she puts her hands behind her head when tired so I’ve deemed that her word for sleep. Last night DS walked up to us (she was in my lap on the couch) and she held her hands out to him & then signed more. In other words, “more Daddy please.” So freaking cute!!!

No more blood coming up, but no more formula either. I’m in contact with the lactation consultant and I’m working on the milk production (or lack of it) right now. I’m also thinking of getting her a passport as it’s looking a lot like she’s going to Mexico with us in April. We are such the party animals.

TS is truly turning into me. She loves to pull out her play hair dryer and curling iron when I pull mine out. We primp together. She pulls out her play make up while I’m doing mine and she likes to help me by handing me the correct brushes and make up containers; she knows the difference between blush, eye shadow, eye liner, concealer, foundation, mascara and all their accompanying brushes. Some kids learn all the dinosaurs, but my kid knows her way around the MAC counter. The way I know she’s truly turning into me has to do with her Starbuck’s order. Here’s the way I order: “Vente, decaf, single, non-fat, no-whip, 6-pump mocha. The other day she says, “Mommy I want my chocolate milk cold, with ice and whip cream.” They start so young.

We’ve Peaked! or All About Me

Well let’s hope so, I know it can get worse, but jeez I think we’ve gotten more then our share already this year. I haven’t posted because after last Friday things went downhill with my sciatica. I’ve been going to the chiropractor and the physical therapist and I’ll have a “good” day and then a couple “bad” days. None are pain free, but yesterday was probably the worst it’s been. I was so sore that I was achy and I was cold; borderline chills. I think now that it was that my body was readjusting to everything and getting used to it. I also think that the “cold” was poor circulation coupled with the adjusting. I finally took a couple vicadin and when they started to take affect (and I started to relax) I actually got really warm, almost hot. Today was much better. Don’t get too excited, not pain free, but better.

Night before last we spent in the local ER with BS. She had been spitting up blood earlier in the day. It’s been colder then heck here and extremely dry, so I wasn’t too concerned at first. I figured it was sort of like the nose bleeds you can get from dry cold weather. Not so much, when I called the advice nurse. The doctor had us come in to check her out and they felt it might be in her lungs (she’s teething so she’s had a runny nose, but it comes & goes). They gave us a nebulizer. She did it two more times that afternoon and I called them to tell them what was going on and they sent us to ER. So. Much. Fun. Actually, she thought it was party time, screeching, cooing and having a ball. Cause let me tell you there is nothing that is more fun then the tissue paper on an exam table. It’s what I’ll buying for all the kids for Christmas next year. They did x-rays and blood tests and spoke to her GI specialist and decided that she probably has esophageal reflux (in addition to her stomach reflux) and it probably caused a tear in her esophagus and thus the bleeding. At our follow up with the GI specialist the next day he indicated that when this happens at her age it’s usually from a food allergy, but we can’t think of anything new that she’s had. So I don’t know. She hasn’t done it again since, so we’re just trying to pay attention to everything she’s eating. Another new medication. I feel like I medicate, feed her and let her sleep and that's all we do all day. Mostly cause it is ALL we do all day. Don't worry, she seems to be fine. (It's her mother who needs to be committed.)

My folks are out of town this week, so BS was supposed to be in daycare with her sister, but obviously that’s out. So I’ve been out of work all week. It’s good and bad. Honestly, with the way my leg has been I don’t think I could’ve worked this week, and I already had TS set for daycare all week, so that is good part . Tomorrow DS is staying home to help me. Hopefully I will continue to improve; I already know I’m going to be missing work for PT appointments next week. They've been really nice about all this, but they've got to be getting sick of it.

So I’m back off to bed, no vicadin tonight we’re trying Darvocet to see if that will cut it. And of course, lots of ice. If all goes well I’m going to try and walk around the block tomorrow. Wohoo! We’re the definition of fun around here.

TS has been hilarious lately; very focused on her upcoming birthday. Upcoming in May! Today, she asked two of the girls in her class if they’ll come to her party, in May. Guess she wants to make sure they can make it. BS is teething and beside the one she got last week, two more popped out this week; all on the bottom--weird. My boobs are not happy about this new perdicament. But she’s mostly happy, so whatever.

Need to sleep now. Hopefully, happy funny stories in a timely fashion this next week. Thanks for hanging with me.

Our Christmas

So since I've been out of it and a picture is worth a thousand words here's our December in a nutshell. I know it's late, but it's my excuse for playing w/digital scrapbooking. (Obviously I'm feeling a bit better right now. Went to a chiropractor yesterday and while I'm still in pain, I'm FUNCTIONING!!! Which is way more then I could say before. We'll see how long it lasts.
Happy Friday!

The Fun; it just never ends for me

After a very long weekend of being in massive pain or drugged up beyond belief here I am. Yes I realize it’s Thursday, I said it was a long weekend for me. I found that by Sunday, 3 days without any pain pills that work just did me in. So I spent the entire day Sunday drugged up and more or less in bed. You could say I “Turned on & Tuned out”. On Monday I came into work, (once again off pain pills) but left early for a follow up appointment w/my OB. Who, upon hearing my predicament, promptly prescribed physical therapy (PT) and said, “This is ridiculous! Why are they messing with you like that? If you have any more issues you call me & we’ll get you what you need.” Reminding me why I like her so much. She’s so very take no prisoners. I couldn’t get into PT until Wednesday, but I quickly (and thankfully) grabbed that first appointment they had available.

On Tuesday, I finally met with a shrink. I liked her very much and she seems very down to earth and “normal” which is no small thing from my past experiences with shrinks. Her little “assessment test” told I’m only mildly depressed, but still depressed none the less. I reminded her that if I’d taken the test before being on anti-depressants many of my answers would be much different. It was just good to have an hour without kids and not because I was at work or the grocery store or something.

On Wednesday I got into the PT. She (the physical therapist) thinks there's a possibility of nerve damage from my epidural. (But I was talking to my friend, H last night & she thinks I would've had to have been having problems with it all along if that were the case. Of course, none of us really actually knows either way.) Anyway, the PT that a lot of questions related to my epidural and if it was given into my sciatica, which I know for a fact it was, so we'll see if that's part of the problem. I've got 2 weeks of PT and if I'm not improving by the end of that time I'm off to an orthopedic Dr. She (the PT) wanted my Dr to give me new pain meds that I can take during the day (unlike vicodin which makes me too loopy to drive or be in charge of my kids). So I found myself back at my primary doctor’s office that afternoon. When I talked to the Dr he was all, "And which drug would that be?" I'm like, "Ummm, call me crazy, but aren't you the one in the room who went to medical school?" (I don't think he thought I was funny.) In the end he's got me trying drarvoset, which isn't really doing anything for the pain AND makes me loopy! Sooo Special! I didn't think it was making me loopy, but while driving to work today I realized that yes, in fact, I could continue to drive while nodding off RIGHT NOW. So fun! I also found during my hour and a half commute that the fastest way to wake me up is to have to slam on the brakes to avoid an accident. Twice! I found the pain shooting up my leg is a great wake up call. I may need to utilize it while here at work. I’m so nodding off that my eyes are crossing. I find myself doing one of two things: (beside screwing around writing my blog) either I give in and sit for a few seconds facing my computer with my eyes closed (so very tempting) or I close one eye so that when they cross I can still read what I’m writing. Nice. Since this is happening while doing something personal (my blog, fun!) you can imagine how effective I must be while doing actual work-like stuff.

I think I just closed my eyes facing my computer for more then a couple seconds—eeek! Guess I should go before I my face falls into my keyboard. I'll come back to read this later and see how much sense it makes. Hahahahahaha!

New Year, not a new drill

Unfortunately I have not been MIA because I was having a great vacation off. I WISH it was something like that.

For starters, my G’ma died on Christmas Eve day—Merry Christmas! In the end, it was actually the type of situation when you deem death a “blessing”. In the two weeks she stayed with my parents she went from walking with a walker into their house, to being completely bedridden and requiring a catheter. My understanding is that my dad, mom, aunt were in the room with her and the hospice nurse having a conversation about medication, in the middle of the conversation she closed her eyes and went to sleep. My mom said she started to turn grey and you realized that she was dying, not sleeping. “It was very peaceful.” When my mom called me to tell me I already knew. As soon as the phone rang I knew why they were calling. Weird I know. I wasn’t upset at all. In fact I felt bad that I didn’t feel more about the whole thing. But you can’t fake those kinds of emotions. I feel bad for my dad and my aunt who were closest to her. I try not to think too much about my parents dying because that upsets me and being a mom now puts a new spin on the whole deal. Ultimately the whole death thing is upsetting for the living, but for the dead it’s either all good or you don’t care because you aren’t anymore right? So I guess there’s no reason to dwell on it. The upside is that my mom’s imminent nervous breakdown was halted and she’s more or less back to “normal.” We’ve been having the “death” and “heaven” talk with TS over all of this. She’s the type of kid who has lots of questions and has not disappointed on this subject as well. I have some good blog fodder from this for sure. Later this week.

The last entry mentioned my back killing me; well it’s actually a problem with my sciatica which popped up on the 18th and has been getting progressively worse. I’ve been trying to get into a doctor for over a week now, but with the holidays I couldn’t see anyone till later today. They did give me a prescription for vicodin over the phone (that’s how much they weren’t seeing anyone, just handing out prescriptions over the phone. Should’ve asked for something really crazy.) Yesterday, I was finally able to actually speak with my own doctor who has me taking mega doses of ibuprofen. (Something I wasn’t doing because I’m nursing BS, which complicates the whole deal.) I’ve been to acupuncture twice this last week, hopefully there is something they can do (like a steroid shot) that will give me immediate relief. Today is my first day off the vicodin in a week. My pain is down the back of my right leg. My right foot has been asleep (pins and needles) for a couple weeks now. I feel like such an old lady, I’m gimping around bitching about “my sciatica”, next it’ll be my dentures. I haven’t been able to sit at the computer for very long in the last couple weeks, thus the lack of a post. I’m back at work today where I actually seem to have the best luck. I have an ergonomic chair that was measured for me so I think that’s why I seem to do best here.

Christmas was fun. TS was a blast and so was BS. I have pix to share and lots of good stories. TS got her bike from Santa and her “Hello Kitty Camera” from mom and dad. So she was happy. Her favorite present is by far her Ariel Talking Vanity Table and especially the “grooming set” given by my brother’s family. The necklace on this set is Ariel’s voice singing from the movie. It wins the “annoying toy” contest hands down. BS’s favorite toys were the boxes, tissue paper, empty water bottles and packages of wipes. Oh, and she does really dig her new activity table from Santa. This “quick little update” is way longer then I expected (as usual). So I’ll go now and write more later. Happy New Year.

Love Thursday

…is when your girls think you make the best pillow, and even though your back is killing you, you don’t mind a bit.

Hopefully, I’ll get on here in the couple days, but it’s about to get super KRAZZEEE!
So just in case;

Merry Christmas!!!

Hope you were good and get all the loveliness that you’re hoping for.

HoliDAZE!

So things are super busy right now. The girls have managed to stay well for a whole week now, so that’s a plus.

Not only did TS get up on stage & sing for her X-mas pageant, but she smiled and did all the hand movements. You could even hear her singing! It was really cute & fun.

I am frantically trying to get things done for X-mas. I have these scrapbooks I make for the grandparents every year. I do a page a month for each girl. It was not as big of a deal when there was one child, but I doubled my workload this year. And since I’ve been overwhelmed (because of said double workload, i.e.--second child) I haven’t really been cropping so much. Like since July. So ideally I’m doing these two pages every month & it’s no big deal, realistically I’ve got 8 pages to finish in the next 5 days. I had more, but I’m working on a page a night & as long as I do that, they’ll be done in time. I also need to finish sewing BS’s X-mas stocking, but I have a few extra days to do that, so scrapbooks first! "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas..."

On another note, my grandmother is dying from cancer and has moved in with my parents as of last Tuesday. (This was decided on the Saturday before, so it’s a bit sudden.) She’s had this for like 10 years, they’ve put it into remission 3 times and this time she decided she’s 90 & she’s tired, so they aren’t treating it. This is my father’s mother & truth be told, she’s never been the nicest person on the face of the earth. She isn’t fond of kids at all & made that very clear to us when we were kids. Now that we’re adults she allows us to do stuff for her, so I wouldn’t say I’m exactly all broken up over this. I mean I feel bad for her and I don’t wish her ill or anything, but I’m not torn up over it. The reason I’m telling you is mostly cause it’s really flipping my mom out. She’s NEVER been especially nice to my mom and now my mom is stuck caring for her in her own house. (I suppose based on my mom’s treatment of me at times one could argue this is Karma. However, my mom is always well intended, just poorly executed at times. My grandma; not always so well intended.) Since my mom watches my kids this affects me in a big way. It also affects me because when my mom freaks out she takes it out on everyone else, especially me. So guess what’s been going on lately? No real details on it today, but I’m sure you’ll get some before it’s over so I figured I’d mention it.

My last Major stressor these days (and it’s big one) is that I’m having problems with my milk supply. Considering what an issue it’s become I’m kinda surprised I haven’t written about it sooner. Since “Aunt Flo” came to visit my milk supply cut literally in half like in a day. However, my daughter has not cut her appetite in half, so now that we’ve worked our way through my back up supply of milk I have a bit of a conundrum. We have found that she can’t seem to tolerate formula. She empties the contents of her stomach when drinking it. It’s scary & awful. I talked to her GI doctor who first gave some formula which is more broken down; got the same result. So he suggested soy; I can’t get her to drink it. I tried putting it into her cereal, but she gagged on it, wouldn’t have anything to do with it. So I’ve been taking fenugreek to try and increase my supply. Nothing yet. The doctor said if the soy doesn’t work he wants to do an allergy work up on her. I guess if it’s not one thing it’s another.

Oh, and to keep the party hopping my in-laws arrive Saturday. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Happy Holidaze!

Still Kicking

Yes, we’re still alive. I know I haven’t written in awhile. My bad. But honestly, here’s my life: THEY’RE SICK. Yes, still. And I’m sick of talking about the fact that my kids are sick, so I had nothing else to write about. I suppose I could’ve given you a literal “blow-by-blow” of TS’s stomach virus last week, but I kinda figured you’d appreciate my NOT doing that.

Actually, right this second, everyone seems to be more or less well. Knock on wood. I’m sure that will change before I even get to post this. During this time I had a birthday. So happy b-day to me! Guess I need to update my bio here. Woo! I'm a party animal like that. And I’m just trying to get everything together for Christmas. You know, like everyone else.

Of note:

BS started waving last week. Super cute!!! Sometimes she waves at you & sometimes she waves at herself. Either way she beams at you while she’s doing it. Yesterday she ate bananas & peas. Yeah, something green in her diet! Finally! And she also signed “more” and said “Mama” to me. That’s my girl!

TS has her school Christmas Pageant this evening. Should be interesting. I fully expect her to announce she’s “shy” as soon as we get there & not be willing to go up with her class and sing. At best, she’ll probably go up there, but look at the floor & not sing. We took her to Bonfonte Gardens Sunday (hey, she’d gone 24 hours without throwing up & damit we prepaid those tickets!) She had a blast. They sat on Santa’s lap there & I got a pretty cute picture of both of them this time. (Need to scan it in.) BS didn’t cry this time she just stared in awe at him. TS got off his lap & said, “I told him I wanted my Hello Kitty camera! I’m so happy now!”

It's the little things right?

Ho, Ho, Ho

So I still owe you a post about BS turning seven months, but I haven’t uploaded the pix from our camera in the last month. (Maybe tonight, hahahahhaha). In the meantime, yes, my children are still alive & well. Gratuitous photo evidence here.

On Friday, instead of cleaning the house I decided to hit the mall (with both kids, cause I’m a glutton for punishment like that) and go see Santa. Actually, TS was in a really good mood and her hair was looking really cute, so I decided to grab the opportunity while it existed. I’m pretty pleased with the result. BS isn’t smiling, but in about 2.3 seconds from when this was taken she decided she was NOT being held by this freaky stranger with facial hair. So all things considered it’s a really good picture.

I’ve realized that having two kids under the age of 5 means that it is very likely that we will not have ANY “good” family pix for the next 5 years or so. Inevitably someone will be looking the wrong direction or making a freaky face or blink even! In consideration of that; it’s a damn fine pix and the only one I may get for the next five years or so.

Don’t Fall Over

I know two posts in two days, get a hold of yourself. I’m having trouble focusing here at work so I thought maybe writing my personal blog will wake me up, probably not. I’m seriously considering going home (girls are at G’ma’s house) and taking a nap. So some good news: I could get pregnant again. No, I’m NOT pregnant; I just now know that I could be if you know what I mean. I know TMI, but my real point (and this is why it’s good news, cause who on earth thinks Aunt Flo’s visit is good news) is that it explains all this exhaustion and moodiness. I still think I am dealing with PPD, but this explains the huge spike in emotion that I’ve been having. I feel better knowing that I was right; it was my hormones and that while I might be going crazy, I’m on top of it. My mind doesn’t seem to be racing as badly today, maybe a light at the end of the tunnel.

So do you have an ongoing commentary of blog entries in your head as you go through your day? Or does this make me crazy too? I find that everything I do is accompanied by a narrative of that event for my blog. So I guess you should be thankful that I’m so busy or can you imagine how freaking boring my blog would be? You’d get thrilling narratives about my bad hair day or reheating my lunch. Wohoo! EX-CI-TING!

Alright, now that I’ve bored you to my level of tiredness I’m going to go pump. Moo!

Not Dead Yet

Sorry, to leave you all hanging. I go post about what a basket case I am & what a mess my life is in and then disappear. Like that?

No worries. We’re all ok. Everyone is (relatively) well again & I’m just trying to keep my head above water still, which is the reason why this post will be so short.

A large part of my problem now is the new drugs I’m on. I’m totally zinging on them. I feel like I’m on No Doze; I’m BONE TIRED. If you’ve ever been pregnant it’s the kind of tired you get when you’re in you’re first trimester. Yeah, that kind of “crawl under you desk in the middle of the day” kind of tired. BUT, my mind is on a whole different plane of existence; it’s racing. And by racing I don’t mean moving fast, I mean like someone with ADD on Meth. It’s a bit distracting. Yeah, that’s the word. One of my friends told me it’s my hormones getting into check. Let’s hope they do soon, I do not like this feeling at all. On the upside, I am not bursting into tears at the drop of a hat, so I guess that’s progress.

In the meantime, we’ve had Thanksgiving (which according to my mother, I ruined, but in true dysfunctional Speak fashion no one is discussing it anymore, so it’s like it never happened. I had a small spat with my brother, which we were over in like 3 minutes; other people got upset with me for responding to him. He acts like that all the time, I usually ignore him, but that day I got pissed. I’m the bad guy cause I didn’t ignore for a change. Whatever.)
We got and decorated our Christmas tree—yes, we’re those people (people who have their decorations up before the first of December) this year. I’ve never been one of those people before, it’s kind of weird. Our friends called & wanted to go cut down their tree and wanted us to go so they could use our minivan. We weren’t doing anything, so why not. Even though it cost us more then 2x as much as our usual Home Depot tree, TS is thrilled and having a blast over it. The tree will probably be dead by next weekend, but it was worth it. I had to pull out ALL of the X-mas decorations looking for our star which I never found. (I ended up getting a new one at Target.) So everything is out on the dining room table, but I got tired from decorating the tree & haven’t done the rest of it. Not really the mess I wanted to create. Hopefully, I’ll get some energy to get moving on that tonight.

And BS turned SEVEN MONTHS! I owe you a post just about that, but I want to include some gratuitous baby pix, so hopefully tonight or tomorrow.

Thanks so much for all your emails of support, it means a lot you guys. Really.

House of Ills

So lots to catch up on and not lots of time to do it. Plus I’m sure most of you aren’t reading this week since its Turkey Day and all.

My OB called me back Thursday night and was not happy with the fact that the office had referred me to somewhere else (who then referred me again). In the end the final referral doctor I got was the person who she would’ve directed me to (on vacation this week BTW), but she was not pleased at all about the way things went down. As DS put it, “you’d think that when someone calls and says I’m depressed they’d make it easy for you to get in, instead of making a highly unmotivated person jump through hoops like that.” Unfortunately this isn’t my first experience with this whole deal and I have to say in general it’s not an uncommon occurrence. I think part of the problem is that you aren’t “sick” in the sense of bleeding or something so often times the nurse or office person isn’t sure where to send you or how to deal with you. I have a similar issue when I actually get to see the doctor because I tend to be very rational about the whole thing.

Here’s how I do depression: if I get my arce out of the house you would never know anything is wrong. I get my self presentable; dressed in matching, clean clothes, (something I don't always manage when I'm not depressed, maybe should be the first clue,) make up on, hair done, etc… If you talk to me I will do my best to avoid any personal topics, and therefore will come across as quite rational. At the doctor's; if I do go down road of going through my personal issues I will even be able to tell you what my issue is, that I can only change my behavior (not anyone else’s), etc, etc….I can even tell you that I get it on a rational level, (cause I do) I just can’t seem to make the jump emotionally.
The catch: I try not to leave the house when I’m depressed. So I make it to my weekly doctor's appointment and they look at me like I’m insane for thinking I’m depressed; I’m sure a large number of their patients can’t articulate their feelings, much less their issues. I’m also guessing that many of them can’t get completely dressed, etc…So they act like I’m melodramatic, catastrophising and over reacting. Until…..I get so freaked out at home one day and don’t know how to control my sense of being overwhelmed, anxious or stop crying so I try to write it all down. I then take this nonsense to my shrink at which time they practically jump out their chair indicating that they “had no idea” I was having all these issues, and they I start to get some help.

Maybe I’ll take this blog post with me to my first visit, it should cut down on my need to meet as often.

Anyway, my OB wanted to see me in person regardless, so I went in. She told me that she doesn’t normally start out with a prescription, but since I have a history (of eating my young) and know what depression is and how it feels she doesn’t want me to wait on this one. So I got some drugs. I haven’t been on these before so hopefully they will work. In the meantime I’m doing things like (getting the flu) trying to write down all the things I did get done that day instead of hyper focusing on the ones that didn’t happen (and then beating myself up over it.)

A good friend sent me flowers this week (to brighten my day, which they did, they also made me cry and feel pathetic and needy, but that's one of my issues.) I wanted to post a pix of them cause they’re so pretty and they mean so much, but this is one of those things I haven’t’ gotten to (yet.) Normally I’d have missed my opportunity & they’d be wilting by now, but apparently 1-800-flowers gives you your money’s worth because they’re still gorgeous. So you may still get to see them.

Now, onto the house of Ill. Jeez, we’ve been sick!!! I finally took BS into the doctor (yesterday) cause I figured this thing was going to get it’s worst on Thanksgiving Day. I was right, the doctor said it probably is the cold she had a couple weeks ago as it’s moving into her ear & lungs. Doc was most impressed with her nose, when he looked up it, he exclaimed, “Wow”. Not a good sign. He said it’s pretty irritated, swollen & mucous-y in there. Well, duh. Got her some antibiotics so hopefully some relief very soon here.

I somehow developed a stomach virus on Monday. I made it to work and about 15 minutes into it got sick. I didn’t feel sick, but I had to change my clothes. (Yes, I was that sick.) Since I was scared to be away from a toilet for too long and I had an afternoon doctor’s appointment I stayed at home. And. Developed. The. Flu. Let me tell you watching a snotty 7 month old and about to be snotty 3 year old, while having aches & chills; no fun. (Even when you’re bribing them to just lay on the floor or you, by letting them watch episode after episode of Little Einsteins and Mickey Mouse Club House.) Poor DS got home & I handed him the baby and said, “you can do what you want for dinner, I’m going to bed.” Yesterday was better, but today I’m nauseated again. But I’m back at work, cause it’s more work at home with two kids.

So in summary; our kitchen counter looks like pharmacy, the pharmacist at Walgreens knows us by name & sight now and it’s been a long, long week.

Geez! Enough with the Sick Already!

BS is sick (still). Back to the doctor today. Seriously, the pharmacist knows us by sight now. I had a stomach virus yesterday. Can’t even discuss it, I’m so grossed out by it still. But in the spirit of being half full I probably dropped a couple pounds.

So more later when we’ve all recovered. If I don’t make it on here before, “Happy Turkey Day!!!”

Milestones

I haven’t written this week because I feel like I’m super negative & bringing everyone down. I’m fine, I’ll be fine, I’m just having a bi-polar, major PMS freak out. No seriously, don’t worry the kids are fine and I’m not going to harm anyone, I’m just having trouble controlling my emotions sometimes and can’t stop crying. But it’ll be ok, it’ll all work out it always does. I got a referral to a doctor (my old doctor still hasn’t called me back, nice, huh?) & have a call into her. I'll keep you posted.

So what has been going on during this time is that my kids keep growing on me (I refuse to say they are growing up). BS will be SEVEN MONTH next week. Christ, how the hell did that happen??? It’s just so wrong! She’s supposed to stay my little baby, doesn’t she know that? Didn’t she get the memo? Oh yeah, she can’t read. Damit! So she’s been hitting some milestones;

• Eating solid foods; sweet potatoes, squash, carrots, green beans (not so big on the green beans)
• Sleeping through the night. She was doing this before & her reflux started waking her up for the 3-4 AM feeds. Now that she’s on the new medication she’ll sleep for 8-10 hours. Queue Angels singing.
• Rolling over. She’s perfected the sit up, drop on stomach, roll over to back, roll back over to front. Very good at it in fact. She has not made the connection that if she continues to roll she can actually get places, but it’s just a matter of time. I’m not telling her, so you keep your mouth shut too.
• Drinking from a sippy cup! This one alarms me. It’s way too early for it. She tries to take my water bottles from me all the time. If you give her one she immediately puts it in her mouth & tries to drink from it. On a whim last night I gave her a sippy figuring she wouldn’t be able to do it. I was wrong. She isn’t allowed to have one again until she’s one.

TS, not to be outdone, has hit some milestones too. Not the kind you usually equate with a 3YO, but milestones nonetheless. Apparently, we have a 3YO going on 13:

• The privacy milestone: I open bathroom door since she’s been in there for 10 minutes, scream, “Mom, I need my privacy!”
• The locking (and unlocking) the door milestone: see above.
• The Tween milestone: (again in the bathroom)
  MS: “Whatcha doing in there honey?”
  TS: “My hair.”’
  MS: “Um, ok, well it’s time for dinner so come on out.”
  TS: “I can’t, I’m busy doing my hair right now.”
  
  

Ok, well now you can come do my hair cause it’s apparently turning grey from how fast you two are growing up on me. Stop it NOW or you’re both getting a time out.

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

So I’ve been MIA lately. I’d like to day it’s the holidays or something, but it’s not. It’s just me. I finally called a doctor about all this. I’m still in denial about the whole deal; I don’t want to believe that I’m having issues with PPD (or any form of depression for that matter). I’m not sure what it is about me that makes me feel like there’s something wrong with asking help on this, but I do have a really hard time doing just that. My family isn’t a huge help on this front. My mom has been known to tell me to “snap out of it” and “just get over it” in the past. But I have also had such bad depressive episodes that she was has been the person to drag me to the doctor (one time). Sso she’s a walking contradiction, what’s new? I think her (and my extended family’s) response to this is a lot of where my problem with asking from help comes from. I feel like I have to be a sobbing puddle before I warrant medical intervention; of course, by that time I’m not really capable of asking for it anymore. Right now I’d describe my situation this way: I vacillate between feeling overwhelmed, anxious, indifferent and very recently incredibly sad. Sad is scary to me. Sad is downward spiral stuff. Right now, I feel very bleak. My whole life just feels bleak. That’s not to say I don’t have happy moments, it’s just that the negative emotions have started to outnumber the positive ones and I think that’s a clue to get some help.

Keep your fingers crossed for me, last time I couldn’t get into this therapist for months. The one I had to “settle” for was less then stellar and honestly I think I mostly worked out my depression on my own last time.

On a positive note (Yes, I do have one occasionally these days) BS is doing much, much better. She just seems happier & more comfortable. And she’s SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT, still. She’s babbling a lot and seems to be associating “mamamamama” with me and “dadadadada” with DS. So smart. Wink.

KRAZEE or just Crazy?

This week has been crazy. Which is making me KRAZEE. At least I keep telling myself it’s this week. My folks being on vacation has been (as predicted) good for my self esteem, not so good for my schedule. I’m not sure I’m that much busier then usual (ok, mornings are way busier) but I feel that way. I feel like I’m hanging on to a small shred of sanity. My mental health, it’s not so good. Actually, it’s OK. But I realize that the little voice inside my head has been going nonstop this week. (It's the one that sounds just like my mother & tells me how fat I am, how my hair looks like crap, that my house isn't clean enough...you get the idea...) I feel like any additional thing will plummet me into…I don’t know. Maybe that’s the problem, I know that I’m teetering on the brink of losing it, but I’m not really sure what that will mean for me. I feel stupid calling my doctor; “um yeah, I’m not having full blown PPD, but I feel like it’s coming, do you have something for that?” Enough about my mental state or lack thereof, onto

BABY UPDATES:

BS has been on the reflux meds for 6 days now; I have not had any spit up lodged down an article of clothing in the last 3 days! (She has a knack for getting it down my shirt and bra or the other night she hit a new low—down my jeans!!! Very attractive I know.) That doesn’t mean she hasn’t spit up on me or spit up at all for that matter. It just means she isn’t projectile vomiting. I am hopeful for the first time in months. The spitting up also seems to be limiting itself to during or right after eating, it’s a good sign. So far, no side effects. She has also been sleeping through the night for most of those 6 days. TS’s cold had gotten me up at the usual 3 or 4 AM slot during several nights, but the last three have been completely devoid of interruption. Did you hear the heavens open up & the angels signing? I think we maybe on the downhill on this one.

I demand a Recount! That’s TWO sick kids today!

Just love my days off lately. BS woke up with TS’s cold.

Great. It just keeps getting better.

On the up side TS did finally agree to take her medicine & has been much better for it. This afternoon now she asked to take a nap. She does NOT nap, so she’s really sick. Right now, they’re both napping. I know, OMG! I never thought I'd utter those words. So, what am I doing with this time? Am I catching up on that elusive sleep? Am I cleaning my disgusting house? Am I exercising? Nooooooooooooooooo, I’m blogging, of course.

Very productive.
Go Figure.

Listen, if I thought they’d let me sleep for anywhere near an hour I’d be all over it, but realistically it’s half an hour tops. So forget it, I’ll just end up frustrated.

On a more serious note, BS’s appointment went well. He upped her meds and he wants to start her on the drug that actually treats the reflux instead of just the acid. He said, (insert Swedish accent, I want you to have the full effect) “She had true reflux because she projectiles hours after she eats, so it’s not overflow, it’s an actual problem with the maturity of the muscle and a slow emptying stomach.” This is opposed to fake reflux I guess? I told him I was lukewarm on doing those meds because they do treat your nervous system & the side effects are irritability and sleep disruption.

I don’t know, it’s a big deal, she’s a little baby…I’m a mom who isn’t sure what to do.

He told me that the drug has been around since the 50s so they actually know a lot about the side effects of it and that it’ll either be helping or not within a couple days. If not, we take her off it & there are no residual affects. I guess I feel better about that. I’ll feel a lot better if she gets relief AND has no side effects. (The side effects only happen 5% of the time, so there’s a really good chance she won’t have them.) I’ll keep you updated on how that one goes.

Ok, I’m off to try and pick up the house a bit. Maybe, just maybe I’ll get to walk this afternoon and USE MY NEW F'ing STROLLER FINALLY!!! But with two sick kids I doubt it.

sick, sick, sick

Sleep has been intermittent this week. BS spent a whole week w/out getting up in the middle of the night and then last Sunday she started again. The spitting up (aka-projectile vomiting) has also slowed way down until then. Notice I said, "till last Sunday", I'm back to doing tons of laundry this week. We go back to the GI specialist today I’m hopeful they will up her meds and we will be on our way to many, many long sleep filled nights.

TS has a rotten cold. She started with it yesterday and this AM got me up at 6 crying at my door,(I was back in bed hoping to get to sleep till 7:30 after a 4 AM wake/feeding w/BS) “I don’t feel good mommy!” It was more like wailing and I couldn’t get her to take any medicine. She might have a swollen throat too, but I can’t get a good look at it. She’s too upset about not feeling good. I got frustrated and finally said, “Fine, call me back when you’re ready to take your medicine,” thinking she say, “don’t go, I’ll take it.” Which is her typical deal, but instead she rolled over & is trying to sleep. I say trying cause she’s got a horrible cough and I can’t imagine there’s much resting/sleeping actually happening. I’m sure the GI’s office will be thrilled when I walk in w/my germy big kid today.

My folks left for Mexico for a week today. Good and bad. The bad part; I have to put BS in day care 3 days next week & I'm a freaking basket case over it. She's so little & even though TS goes to this school, I'm just not feeling warm & fuzzy about BS spending all day there. It's not them, it's me. So, the good part; My mom has been really, really negative lately:

I got my stroller and she came in and saw it and said, (very sarcastic tone)
“Who do you think is going to ride in that? TS won’t ride in that. Guess you
don’t have to worry about anyone ever taking it. She doesn’t like the color or
the price, but won’t come out and say it, so she’s super passive-aggressive
about her feelings on it. The other night, in a relevant conversation, I
mentioned to her that I can’t find my sewing machine right now (it got put
somewhere safe while unpacking and now I can’t remember where it is) & she
held up her hand for me to stop talking, (Cause she’s apparently so disgusted
with me,) turned around and walked away from me!

If a friend responded to me in this way, well, they wouldn’t be a friend would they? It’s no wonder I’ve had problems with depression. She couldn’t be more of a be-yoch if she tired. Sigh, I just don’t have the bandwidth to deal with her any more right now. I’m sure TS’s cold is somehow my fault as well.

It’s good that I’m getting a break for the next week.

TS is back up. I’ll update you on the GI appointment & I want to write about Halloween, but need to post some pix too—soon, I promise!

6 months

I want to write something beautiful about our first half year together. How much you’ve changed our lives for the better. How I love the way your face lights up when you see one of us (especially your sister) and that silly little grunt of happiness you put out. How surprising you are; you’re so damn small, but you act your age by doing things bigger, but younger, babies can’t do, like rolling over and sitting up. There’s so much more and I want to put it in some eloquent way, but this sleep thing, it’s just killing me. It’s definitely the reason why the post about you turning 6 months is 5 days late. So I’m going with the sleep deprivation as my excuse for a less then stellar post. You deserve so much better baby.

It’s so hard, because most of the time you are so damn happy I can’t stand it. You entertain yourself with your toys (you’re especially fond of your lion & whozit) and you already “play” with your sister, which is soooo awesome because I so want you both to be good friends and it seems like you already are. You started food this week and as expected, you love it. I can’t feed you fast enough and you get so upset when we’re done, but that’s ok, I’m trying to make sure you don’t eat too much in a sitting and make your poor little tummy worse. You’re best time of day is at night, you eat about 8 & are ready to par-tay. You’re so much fun during this time. Daddy and I get you all to ourselves (cause big sis is in bed) and you giggle and play peek-a-boo with us until you finally drop off in Daddy’s arms. I do a sleep-feed with you and then we recline on the couch for half an hour (because you have to stay upright for at least 30 minutes after eating.) It’s a nice excuse to get to hold you & snuggle.

.....And then the reflux kicks in, and you and I are doing our 3AM dance with your little legs pumping to make it stop and your alternating screams and whimpers. I hate this. I hate that I have to work and be away from you during your happy hours. I’m less then you (and everyone else for that matter) deserves these days because I’m not getting much sleep. I’m so sorry you have to go though this sweetie. They keep saying it will get better, and it has to some degree. But I pray for the days when we both get to sleep through the night and play all day. I know they’re coming. In the meantime, Miss BS, I will dance with you however long you need me too. I love you so much.