My boobs hurt.

That got your attention now didn’t it?

Hi P0rn bloggers, you’re in a mommy blog, sorry for the confusion. Move along now, nothing to see here. Seriously, if there was something to see these days I wouldn’t have to move you along—you’d run away very quickly.

I’m still nursing BS every two hours. Talk about a time suck. (eww, no pun intended.) It’s hard to get much done with this kind of schedule and if she’s sleeping or I need to be doing something in a hurry I pump (which I just love so much! NOT.) If you did anything repetitively every 2 (or 3) hours you would hurt too, trust me. However, let me note I am not actually complaining. I know it sounds a lot like whining, but it’s not. I was one of those millions who saw the Oprah show on The Secret and I’m bought in. I didn’t say I was buying the book, I’m way too cheap for that, but I get the concept and there’s a lot of what they said that resonated with me. If they’re wrong, everyone else wins cause if nothing else you’re a happier person to be around, right? So in the spirit of The Secret, I have begun trying to approach each and every situation (even the ones that seem negative) in terms of how I am grateful for the experience. We’ll see how long I stick with this, I know, I know, being sarcastic is much more my nature then showing my gratefulness. But I’m trying.

So in terms of having to nurse my 9 month old every two hours;

• I am grateful for the time this gives us together. I know that this time is short-lived and sooner then I think she will be too busy to be bothered with nursing from Mommy. She’ll rather eat on the run (or not at all) because there are so many things she’ll need to do. Right now this time is special and she is now old enough to know that and she clings to me too.


• I am grateful to be needed by my daughter and appreciated. I am grateful that I am forced to slow down several times a day and just stare intently at the beautiful miracle I helped create.
  
• I am grateful that I know that in the very near future I will yearn to be sore like this again, for I have been so very blessed with a healthy, loving little girl and I am blessed in my knowledge and appreciation of this as well.

Sisters

I always wished I had a sister.

If you have a sister you are probably rolling your eyes right now, but I had a brother. He’s great & everything, but it would’ve been cool to have someone to talk to about boys and makeup and fight over clothes with and stuff like that. We were friends, but he was into “boy things” and I was into “girl things”. It’s not the same.

I am so very glad that we have given this gift to our girls and that they are inclined (so far) to be friends. I think (hope) that the tone that has been set so far is the one that will continue for the rest of their lives. They adore each other. If I walk into TS’s room in the AM without BS the first thing out of her mouth will be, “Where’s BS?” The second TS walks in the room BS starts smiling clapping and reaching for her. I know it won’t always be sunshine and roses for their relationship but right now it’s one big love fest and I am so very glad to be able to witness this. Happy Love Thursday.

I'm Baaaack! (In more ways then one.)

Hi Internet,

Are you mad? I know it’s been a week, I’m sorry. Where does the time go?

If I had written last weekend I would’ve told you all about celebrating DS’ b-day & how I’m feeling a lot better. How my back actually STOPS hurting sometimes now. This weekend I would’ve told you how I was able to walk around the block one day and pick up the house and normal stuff like that. Instead of laying around on the couch hurting, grumpy and groggy. But I was so busy living life (now that I could again) that I was having a hard time find the time to write to you. But then Monday came and everything changed. One other thing about last week, my PT was sick all week. On Friday when she called to cancel she scheduled me for an appointment with the massage therapist in her office on Monday and so I could get something done. Considering how good I’d been feeling I was really looking forward to it. Normally my PT appointments consist of massage & ultrasound, but this time it would be all about feeling good, not just making it better.

The massage itself was fine, not the best I’ve ever had, not the worst either, but by that afternoon I felt like I had either over worked out or been beat up. Yesterday I spent most of the day on the couch, exhausted and back in major pain. I couldn’t take anything cause I was home alone with the girls, but I laid on the couch in the playroom so I could do minimal amount of moving and still watch them (and try my best to stay awake, I only dozed a couple of times, I think). I thought the pain meds were what made me so groggy, but apparently it’s the pain itself. I suppose because it exhausts me. So this AM I slept through my alarm, which turns itself off after an hour of snooze. I’ve been trying to call my PT all day (office isn’t answering at all) to see if they can fit me in today to try and get some relief, but no luck.

The irony of all of this is that I was feeling so much BETTER all weekend. I was able to do all kinds of things (picking up around the house and even taking a walk around the block) without hurting. In the evenings I start to get sore, but would take a pain pill early evening and then not need one to sleep. Right now I can’t find a position in which I’m not hurting; standing, sitting, anything…BAH!

So that’s my story, same one you’ve been hearing for a couple months. Getting boring I’m sure.

On a more up note:
BS is full on cruising around the living room now. (Not crawling yet, but actually acting like she might do that sometime too.) She can actually stand without holding anything, but when she realizes she’s let go she starts to fall. She said something strikingly like Mommy the other day, but I was the only one home, so I’m not sure it counts. She also “mumbled” I love you after a doll said it the yesterday. DS was home when she did it, so I had a witness. Last night at dinner she threw a tantrum because she wanted "O's instead of dinner. I'm not kidding. Be afraid, be very afraid: she’s smart, coordinated, beautiful and headstrong. All of this only at 9 months, what the heck is she going to be like by 2 years? 13 years? Boy do we have our hands full.

TS is taking ballet & tap class & seems to really like it. She’s got a bunch of imaginary friends and two of her real friends (twins) from school came over for a playdate on Friday. They were super cute together and it was fun to watch her play with friends she’s made on her own (not because Mommy likes their mommy, although now that I’ve met her I do like her—bonus).

Alright I need to get back to work cause they’ve actually got me doing work here now. They actually expect me to produce now! The nerve.

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

Love Thursday

This is what all my stress is over....

I'll bet you understand now

And a few others, just cause I love these so much

Same old song and dance, AKA—BACK at it (get it?)

Got excited didn’t you? Got you all worked up with TWO posts that didn’t consist of any whining and you thought it was over. Well, you were WRONG. I’m back and whinier then ever. I had a couple good days this weekend, but I seem to be over that and now I’m about to have a nervous breakdown. Hi, welcome to my brain! I’m so much fun!

So I realized I never gave you the official update on my visit to the orthopedic doctor, MRI results and nerve test. I officially have a herniated disk. The “good news” is that it’s considered “mild to moderate” which means no surgery at this point & we treat it with PT (and if I want to continue chiropractic). I also don’t have “permanent nerve damage”. I do still have a numb lower right calf & foot. The bad news is that this won’t “heal” for about 3 months and if it’s not improving within a month then I need to go back.

I’m exhausted.

I feel like I reached out to my doctors (shrink & OB) yesterday, but neither of them really seemed to “hear me”. They physically heard me, but upon hearing about everything I have going on (this stuff with my back and having to feed the baby every two hours) they both suggested I take some medical leave at work. But I don’t really feel like we can afford that right now. My shrink suggested I take a couple weeks vacation to try and get my back better and to a better place mentally, but I don’t really want to use my vacation like that. I’m already missing a lot of work because of all my doctor’s appointments; I think I need to hold onto it for “just in case.” I feel that if I do take a couple weeks I’ll just get a new pile of mess at work instead of at home. So I’m not so sure that trading one mess for another will help me that much. I told DS the other night that I’m at exhausted from all of this and at the end of my rope, “If one more thing gets added to my commitments I think I’ll break.” I’ve already been letting the house go; mostly the floors (and bathrooms, and vacuuming, etc...) because of the bending. I know I need to give some stuff up, but I’m not sure what else can go right now. Then in my exhaustion I overslept this AM. My mom had the nerve to let into me about it. Because you know, I’m a slacker.

I’m rereading this and thinking that maybe my doctors were right; even a week might be enough to help me get some sleep, rest my back & feel caught up and better about things. Even in writing this I can’t convey the level of despair I’m feeling right now. My depression (oh yeah, I’m dealing with that too) is definitely winning the battle right now. I’m even having trouble staying awake writing this (I won’t tell you how scary I am driving these days, lets just say stay off the South Bay freeways during commute hours on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays.) Hopefully, more later.

Weekend Funny

OHMYF'INGGAWD!!! This is too funny for words. So if you aren't already reading Miss Doxie you must go over and check her out. This chick is always good for a laugh, but her latest post; the photos & video take the freaking cake!!!

This is so what I want to do for my b-day next year--a Viking funeral, what a fine way to start the the last year of my 30's. Read, watch & tell me what you think.

Speak’s Anatomy

So newsflash; I have nerve damage. My right foot has no reflex right now and shows weakness. I had to go to a doctor to find this out? The only real question is if the damage is being caused by a herniated disc or from the epidural I got during labor. Bah! I’ll be having an MRI & a nerve test next week to determine which it was & the extent of the damage. If it’s the disc, the amount of damage my symptoms seem to be showing are pointing to surgery. Christ! That’s what I need. So let’s all pull for epidural shot as the cause, which they will treat with another epidural shot only with steroids this time. There goes my shot at the baseball hall of fame…oh yeah, I don’t play baseball.

So I feel somewhat validated in all my whining now. And my approach; chiropractic, PT & pain meds is exactly what I should be doing, so that’s good to know. I’m still irritated that the first doctor made me wait for two weeks to get into the orthopedic guy, but I can’t do much about it now, so trying not to dwell.

BS had her NINE month appointment today. She’s 15# 4oz and 27” (in case you’re keeping track). She’s just below the 50% for height and off the chart for weight. Yup, she’s less the zero in the weight category. That means that 100% of the kids her same age are bigger then her. Doctor says they typically drop a little at this age because their activity level has increased so much, so he’s not worried. If he’s not worried, then I’m not worried. She’s gaining weight, so that’s all they’re really watching now. He’s ordering some predigested formula for her; he wants us to have a back up for my (lack of) boob juice so he’s working with me to get her to take it. I’ll let you know how that goes. She got two shots today & didn’t even cry. We’re nursing every 3 hours, which means…I’ve got to go again.

Cheers!
Say a little thank you prayer for vicadin!

My children speak

So things are pretty much status quo around here. My sciatic is pretty much the same, now my neck has joined the fray—just to keep things interesting. I do have an appointment with an orthopedic doctor tomorrow, so hopefully something good and immediate will come of that; like a shot in my ass that will give me feeling in my foot and lower leg and get rid of the pain I’m feeling in the rest of the leg, blah, blah, blah….You’ve heard it all before. Dude I’m tired of talking about it, I can’t believe you’re still reading it. You must really not want to work today, huh? Yeah, I know me neither.

So a few updates;

BS has spoken! My brilliant genius of a baby has said the word “kitty”. She says it quite clearly, has said it several times now, in front of several people and at the appropriate time. You know, when one of the cats shows up. She says, “gee, gee” for dog, cause we say doggie. She is also signing the word “more” (mostly for food). She waves “bye”, and she puts her hands behind her head when tired so I’ve deemed that her word for sleep. Last night DS walked up to us (she was in my lap on the couch) and she held her hands out to him & then signed more. In other words, “more Daddy please.” So freaking cute!!!

No more blood coming up, but no more formula either. I’m in contact with the lactation consultant and I’m working on the milk production (or lack of it) right now. I’m also thinking of getting her a passport as it’s looking a lot like she’s going to Mexico with us in April. We are such the party animals.

TS is truly turning into me. She loves to pull out her play hair dryer and curling iron when I pull mine out. We primp together. She pulls out her play make up while I’m doing mine and she likes to help me by handing me the correct brushes and make up containers; she knows the difference between blush, eye shadow, eye liner, concealer, foundation, mascara and all their accompanying brushes. Some kids learn all the dinosaurs, but my kid knows her way around the MAC counter. The way I know she’s truly turning into me has to do with her Starbuck’s order. Here’s the way I order: “Vente, decaf, single, non-fat, no-whip, 6-pump mocha. The other day she says, “Mommy I want my chocolate milk cold, with ice and whip cream.” They start so young.

We’ve Peaked! or All About Me

Well let’s hope so, I know it can get worse, but jeez I think we’ve gotten more then our share already this year. I haven’t posted because after last Friday things went downhill with my sciatica. I’ve been going to the chiropractor and the physical therapist and I’ll have a “good” day and then a couple “bad” days. None are pain free, but yesterday was probably the worst it’s been. I was so sore that I was achy and I was cold; borderline chills. I think now that it was that my body was readjusting to everything and getting used to it. I also think that the “cold” was poor circulation coupled with the adjusting. I finally took a couple vicadin and when they started to take affect (and I started to relax) I actually got really warm, almost hot. Today was much better. Don’t get too excited, not pain free, but better.

Night before last we spent in the local ER with BS. She had been spitting up blood earlier in the day. It’s been colder then heck here and extremely dry, so I wasn’t too concerned at first. I figured it was sort of like the nose bleeds you can get from dry cold weather. Not so much, when I called the advice nurse. The doctor had us come in to check her out and they felt it might be in her lungs (she’s teething so she’s had a runny nose, but it comes & goes). They gave us a nebulizer. She did it two more times that afternoon and I called them to tell them what was going on and they sent us to ER. So. Much. Fun. Actually, she thought it was party time, screeching, cooing and having a ball. Cause let me tell you there is nothing that is more fun then the tissue paper on an exam table. It’s what I’ll buying for all the kids for Christmas next year. They did x-rays and blood tests and spoke to her GI specialist and decided that she probably has esophageal reflux (in addition to her stomach reflux) and it probably caused a tear in her esophagus and thus the bleeding. At our follow up with the GI specialist the next day he indicated that when this happens at her age it’s usually from a food allergy, but we can’t think of anything new that she’s had. So I don’t know. She hasn’t done it again since, so we’re just trying to pay attention to everything she’s eating. Another new medication. I feel like I medicate, feed her and let her sleep and that's all we do all day. Mostly cause it is ALL we do all day. Don't worry, she seems to be fine. (It's her mother who needs to be committed.)

My folks are out of town this week, so BS was supposed to be in daycare with her sister, but obviously that’s out. So I’ve been out of work all week. It’s good and bad. Honestly, with the way my leg has been I don’t think I could’ve worked this week, and I already had TS set for daycare all week, so that is good part . Tomorrow DS is staying home to help me. Hopefully I will continue to improve; I already know I’m going to be missing work for PT appointments next week. They've been really nice about all this, but they've got to be getting sick of it.

So I’m back off to bed, no vicadin tonight we’re trying Darvocet to see if that will cut it. And of course, lots of ice. If all goes well I’m going to try and walk around the block tomorrow. Wohoo! We’re the definition of fun around here.

TS has been hilarious lately; very focused on her upcoming birthday. Upcoming in May! Today, she asked two of the girls in her class if they’ll come to her party, in May. Guess she wants to make sure they can make it. BS is teething and beside the one she got last week, two more popped out this week; all on the bottom--weird. My boobs are not happy about this new perdicament. But she’s mostly happy, so whatever.

Need to sleep now. Hopefully, happy funny stories in a timely fashion this next week. Thanks for hanging with me.

Our Christmas

So since I've been out of it and a picture is worth a thousand words here's our December in a nutshell. I know it's late, but it's my excuse for playing w/digital scrapbooking. (Obviously I'm feeling a bit better right now. Went to a chiropractor yesterday and while I'm still in pain, I'm FUNCTIONING!!! Which is way more then I could say before. We'll see how long it lasts.
Happy Friday!

The Fun; it just never ends for me

After a very long weekend of being in massive pain or drugged up beyond belief here I am. Yes I realize it’s Thursday, I said it was a long weekend for me. I found that by Sunday, 3 days without any pain pills that work just did me in. So I spent the entire day Sunday drugged up and more or less in bed. You could say I “Turned on & Tuned out”. On Monday I came into work, (once again off pain pills) but left early for a follow up appointment w/my OB. Who, upon hearing my predicament, promptly prescribed physical therapy (PT) and said, “This is ridiculous! Why are they messing with you like that? If you have any more issues you call me & we’ll get you what you need.” Reminding me why I like her so much. She’s so very take no prisoners. I couldn’t get into PT until Wednesday, but I quickly (and thankfully) grabbed that first appointment they had available.

On Tuesday, I finally met with a shrink. I liked her very much and she seems very down to earth and “normal” which is no small thing from my past experiences with shrinks. Her little “assessment test” told I’m only mildly depressed, but still depressed none the less. I reminded her that if I’d taken the test before being on anti-depressants many of my answers would be much different. It was just good to have an hour without kids and not because I was at work or the grocery store or something.

On Wednesday I got into the PT. She (the physical therapist) thinks there's a possibility of nerve damage from my epidural. (But I was talking to my friend, H last night & she thinks I would've had to have been having problems with it all along if that were the case. Of course, none of us really actually knows either way.) Anyway, the PT that a lot of questions related to my epidural and if it was given into my sciatica, which I know for a fact it was, so we'll see if that's part of the problem. I've got 2 weeks of PT and if I'm not improving by the end of that time I'm off to an orthopedic Dr. She (the PT) wanted my Dr to give me new pain meds that I can take during the day (unlike vicodin which makes me too loopy to drive or be in charge of my kids). So I found myself back at my primary doctor’s office that afternoon. When I talked to the Dr he was all, "And which drug would that be?" I'm like, "Ummm, call me crazy, but aren't you the one in the room who went to medical school?" (I don't think he thought I was funny.) In the end he's got me trying drarvoset, which isn't really doing anything for the pain AND makes me loopy! Sooo Special! I didn't think it was making me loopy, but while driving to work today I realized that yes, in fact, I could continue to drive while nodding off RIGHT NOW. So fun! I also found during my hour and a half commute that the fastest way to wake me up is to have to slam on the brakes to avoid an accident. Twice! I found the pain shooting up my leg is a great wake up call. I may need to utilize it while here at work. I’m so nodding off that my eyes are crossing. I find myself doing one of two things: (beside screwing around writing my blog) either I give in and sit for a few seconds facing my computer with my eyes closed (so very tempting) or I close one eye so that when they cross I can still read what I’m writing. Nice. Since this is happening while doing something personal (my blog, fun!) you can imagine how effective I must be while doing actual work-like stuff.

I think I just closed my eyes facing my computer for more then a couple seconds—eeek! Guess I should go before I my face falls into my keyboard. I'll come back to read this later and see how much sense it makes. Hahahahahaha!

New Year, not a new drill

Unfortunately I have not been MIA because I was having a great vacation off. I WISH it was something like that.

For starters, my G’ma died on Christmas Eve day—Merry Christmas! In the end, it was actually the type of situation when you deem death a “blessing”. In the two weeks she stayed with my parents she went from walking with a walker into their house, to being completely bedridden and requiring a catheter. My understanding is that my dad, mom, aunt were in the room with her and the hospice nurse having a conversation about medication, in the middle of the conversation she closed her eyes and went to sleep. My mom said she started to turn grey and you realized that she was dying, not sleeping. “It was very peaceful.” When my mom called me to tell me I already knew. As soon as the phone rang I knew why they were calling. Weird I know. I wasn’t upset at all. In fact I felt bad that I didn’t feel more about the whole thing. But you can’t fake those kinds of emotions. I feel bad for my dad and my aunt who were closest to her. I try not to think too much about my parents dying because that upsets me and being a mom now puts a new spin on the whole deal. Ultimately the whole death thing is upsetting for the living, but for the dead it’s either all good or you don’t care because you aren’t anymore right? So I guess there’s no reason to dwell on it. The upside is that my mom’s imminent nervous breakdown was halted and she’s more or less back to “normal.” We’ve been having the “death” and “heaven” talk with TS over all of this. She’s the type of kid who has lots of questions and has not disappointed on this subject as well. I have some good blog fodder from this for sure. Later this week.

The last entry mentioned my back killing me; well it’s actually a problem with my sciatica which popped up on the 18th and has been getting progressively worse. I’ve been trying to get into a doctor for over a week now, but with the holidays I couldn’t see anyone till later today. They did give me a prescription for vicodin over the phone (that’s how much they weren’t seeing anyone, just handing out prescriptions over the phone. Should’ve asked for something really crazy.) Yesterday, I was finally able to actually speak with my own doctor who has me taking mega doses of ibuprofen. (Something I wasn’t doing because I’m nursing BS, which complicates the whole deal.) I’ve been to acupuncture twice this last week, hopefully there is something they can do (like a steroid shot) that will give me immediate relief. Today is my first day off the vicodin in a week. My pain is down the back of my right leg. My right foot has been asleep (pins and needles) for a couple weeks now. I feel like such an old lady, I’m gimping around bitching about “my sciatica”, next it’ll be my dentures. I haven’t been able to sit at the computer for very long in the last couple weeks, thus the lack of a post. I’m back at work today where I actually seem to have the best luck. I have an ergonomic chair that was measured for me so I think that’s why I seem to do best here.

Christmas was fun. TS was a blast and so was BS. I have pix to share and lots of good stories. TS got her bike from Santa and her “Hello Kitty Camera” from mom and dad. So she was happy. Her favorite present is by far her Ariel Talking Vanity Table and especially the “grooming set” given by my brother’s family. The necklace on this set is Ariel’s voice singing from the movie. It wins the “annoying toy” contest hands down. BS’s favorite toys were the boxes, tissue paper, empty water bottles and packages of wipes. Oh, and she does really dig her new activity table from Santa. This “quick little update” is way longer then I expected (as usual). So I’ll go now and write more later. Happy New Year.

Love Thursday

…is when your girls think you make the best pillow, and even though your back is killing you, you don’t mind a bit.

Hopefully, I’ll get on here in the couple days, but it’s about to get super KRAZZEEE!
So just in case;

Merry Christmas!!!

Hope you were good and get all the loveliness that you’re hoping for.

HoliDAZE!

So things are super busy right now. The girls have managed to stay well for a whole week now, so that’s a plus.

Not only did TS get up on stage & sing for her X-mas pageant, but she smiled and did all the hand movements. You could even hear her singing! It was really cute & fun.

I am frantically trying to get things done for X-mas. I have these scrapbooks I make for the grandparents every year. I do a page a month for each girl. It was not as big of a deal when there was one child, but I doubled my workload this year. And since I’ve been overwhelmed (because of said double workload, i.e.--second child) I haven’t really been cropping so much. Like since July. So ideally I’m doing these two pages every month & it’s no big deal, realistically I’ve got 8 pages to finish in the next 5 days. I had more, but I’m working on a page a night & as long as I do that, they’ll be done in time. I also need to finish sewing BS’s X-mas stocking, but I have a few extra days to do that, so scrapbooks first! "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas..."

On another note, my grandmother is dying from cancer and has moved in with my parents as of last Tuesday. (This was decided on the Saturday before, so it’s a bit sudden.) She’s had this for like 10 years, they’ve put it into remission 3 times and this time she decided she’s 90 & she’s tired, so they aren’t treating it. This is my father’s mother & truth be told, she’s never been the nicest person on the face of the earth. She isn’t fond of kids at all & made that very clear to us when we were kids. Now that we’re adults she allows us to do stuff for her, so I wouldn’t say I’m exactly all broken up over this. I mean I feel bad for her and I don’t wish her ill or anything, but I’m not torn up over it. The reason I’m telling you is mostly cause it’s really flipping my mom out. She’s NEVER been especially nice to my mom and now my mom is stuck caring for her in her own house. (I suppose based on my mom’s treatment of me at times one could argue this is Karma. However, my mom is always well intended, just poorly executed at times. My grandma; not always so well intended.) Since my mom watches my kids this affects me in a big way. It also affects me because when my mom freaks out she takes it out on everyone else, especially me. So guess what’s been going on lately? No real details on it today, but I’m sure you’ll get some before it’s over so I figured I’d mention it.

My last Major stressor these days (and it’s big one) is that I’m having problems with my milk supply. Considering what an issue it’s become I’m kinda surprised I haven’t written about it sooner. Since “Aunt Flo” came to visit my milk supply cut literally in half like in a day. However, my daughter has not cut her appetite in half, so now that we’ve worked our way through my back up supply of milk I have a bit of a conundrum. We have found that she can’t seem to tolerate formula. She empties the contents of her stomach when drinking it. It’s scary & awful. I talked to her GI doctor who first gave some formula which is more broken down; got the same result. So he suggested soy; I can’t get her to drink it. I tried putting it into her cereal, but she gagged on it, wouldn’t have anything to do with it. So I’ve been taking fenugreek to try and increase my supply. Nothing yet. The doctor said if the soy doesn’t work he wants to do an allergy work up on her. I guess if it’s not one thing it’s another.

Oh, and to keep the party hopping my in-laws arrive Saturday. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Happy Holidaze!

Still Kicking

Yes, we’re still alive. I know I haven’t written in awhile. My bad. But honestly, here’s my life: THEY’RE SICK. Yes, still. And I’m sick of talking about the fact that my kids are sick, so I had nothing else to write about. I suppose I could’ve given you a literal “blow-by-blow” of TS’s stomach virus last week, but I kinda figured you’d appreciate my NOT doing that.

Actually, right this second, everyone seems to be more or less well. Knock on wood. I’m sure that will change before I even get to post this. During this time I had a birthday. So happy b-day to me! Guess I need to update my bio here. Woo! I'm a party animal like that. And I’m just trying to get everything together for Christmas. You know, like everyone else.

Of note:

BS started waving last week. Super cute!!! Sometimes she waves at you & sometimes she waves at herself. Either way she beams at you while she’s doing it. Yesterday she ate bananas & peas. Yeah, something green in her diet! Finally! And she also signed “more” and said “Mama” to me. That’s my girl!

TS has her school Christmas Pageant this evening. Should be interesting. I fully expect her to announce she’s “shy” as soon as we get there & not be willing to go up with her class and sing. At best, she’ll probably go up there, but look at the floor & not sing. We took her to Bonfonte Gardens Sunday (hey, she’d gone 24 hours without throwing up & damit we prepaid those tickets!) She had a blast. They sat on Santa’s lap there & I got a pretty cute picture of both of them this time. (Need to scan it in.) BS didn’t cry this time she just stared in awe at him. TS got off his lap & said, “I told him I wanted my Hello Kitty camera! I’m so happy now!”

It's the little things right?

Ho, Ho, Ho

So I still owe you a post about BS turning seven months, but I haven’t uploaded the pix from our camera in the last month. (Maybe tonight, hahahahhaha). In the meantime, yes, my children are still alive & well. Gratuitous photo evidence here.

On Friday, instead of cleaning the house I decided to hit the mall (with both kids, cause I’m a glutton for punishment like that) and go see Santa. Actually, TS was in a really good mood and her hair was looking really cute, so I decided to grab the opportunity while it existed. I’m pretty pleased with the result. BS isn’t smiling, but in about 2.3 seconds from when this was taken she decided she was NOT being held by this freaky stranger with facial hair. So all things considered it’s a really good picture.

I’ve realized that having two kids under the age of 5 means that it is very likely that we will not have ANY “good” family pix for the next 5 years or so. Inevitably someone will be looking the wrong direction or making a freaky face or blink even! In consideration of that; it’s a damn fine pix and the only one I may get for the next five years or so.

Don’t Fall Over

I know two posts in two days, get a hold of yourself. I’m having trouble focusing here at work so I thought maybe writing my personal blog will wake me up, probably not. I’m seriously considering going home (girls are at G’ma’s house) and taking a nap. So some good news: I could get pregnant again. No, I’m NOT pregnant; I just now know that I could be if you know what I mean. I know TMI, but my real point (and this is why it’s good news, cause who on earth thinks Aunt Flo’s visit is good news) is that it explains all this exhaustion and moodiness. I still think I am dealing with PPD, but this explains the huge spike in emotion that I’ve been having. I feel better knowing that I was right; it was my hormones and that while I might be going crazy, I’m on top of it. My mind doesn’t seem to be racing as badly today, maybe a light at the end of the tunnel.

So do you have an ongoing commentary of blog entries in your head as you go through your day? Or does this make me crazy too? I find that everything I do is accompanied by a narrative of that event for my blog. So I guess you should be thankful that I’m so busy or can you imagine how freaking boring my blog would be? You’d get thrilling narratives about my bad hair day or reheating my lunch. Wohoo! EX-CI-TING!

Alright, now that I’ve bored you to my level of tiredness I’m going to go pump. Moo!

Not Dead Yet

Sorry, to leave you all hanging. I go post about what a basket case I am & what a mess my life is in and then disappear. Like that?

No worries. We’re all ok. Everyone is (relatively) well again & I’m just trying to keep my head above water still, which is the reason why this post will be so short.

A large part of my problem now is the new drugs I’m on. I’m totally zinging on them. I feel like I’m on No Doze; I’m BONE TIRED. If you’ve ever been pregnant it’s the kind of tired you get when you’re in you’re first trimester. Yeah, that kind of “crawl under you desk in the middle of the day” kind of tired. BUT, my mind is on a whole different plane of existence; it’s racing. And by racing I don’t mean moving fast, I mean like someone with ADD on Meth. It’s a bit distracting. Yeah, that’s the word. One of my friends told me it’s my hormones getting into check. Let’s hope they do soon, I do not like this feeling at all. On the upside, I am not bursting into tears at the drop of a hat, so I guess that’s progress.

In the meantime, we’ve had Thanksgiving (which according to my mother, I ruined, but in true dysfunctional Speak fashion no one is discussing it anymore, so it’s like it never happened. I had a small spat with my brother, which we were over in like 3 minutes; other people got upset with me for responding to him. He acts like that all the time, I usually ignore him, but that day I got pissed. I’m the bad guy cause I didn’t ignore for a change. Whatever.)
We got and decorated our Christmas tree—yes, we’re those people (people who have their decorations up before the first of December) this year. I’ve never been one of those people before, it’s kind of weird. Our friends called & wanted to go cut down their tree and wanted us to go so they could use our minivan. We weren’t doing anything, so why not. Even though it cost us more then 2x as much as our usual Home Depot tree, TS is thrilled and having a blast over it. The tree will probably be dead by next weekend, but it was worth it. I had to pull out ALL of the X-mas decorations looking for our star which I never found. (I ended up getting a new one at Target.) So everything is out on the dining room table, but I got tired from decorating the tree & haven’t done the rest of it. Not really the mess I wanted to create. Hopefully, I’ll get some energy to get moving on that tonight.

And BS turned SEVEN MONTHS! I owe you a post just about that, but I want to include some gratuitous baby pix, so hopefully tonight or tomorrow.

Thanks so much for all your emails of support, it means a lot you guys. Really.

House of Ills

So lots to catch up on and not lots of time to do it. Plus I’m sure most of you aren’t reading this week since its Turkey Day and all.

My OB called me back Thursday night and was not happy with the fact that the office had referred me to somewhere else (who then referred me again). In the end the final referral doctor I got was the person who she would’ve directed me to (on vacation this week BTW), but she was not pleased at all about the way things went down. As DS put it, “you’d think that when someone calls and says I’m depressed they’d make it easy for you to get in, instead of making a highly unmotivated person jump through hoops like that.” Unfortunately this isn’t my first experience with this whole deal and I have to say in general it’s not an uncommon occurrence. I think part of the problem is that you aren’t “sick” in the sense of bleeding or something so often times the nurse or office person isn’t sure where to send you or how to deal with you. I have a similar issue when I actually get to see the doctor because I tend to be very rational about the whole thing.

Here’s how I do depression: if I get my arce out of the house you would never know anything is wrong. I get my self presentable; dressed in matching, clean clothes, (something I don't always manage when I'm not depressed, maybe should be the first clue,) make up on, hair done, etc… If you talk to me I will do my best to avoid any personal topics, and therefore will come across as quite rational. At the doctor's; if I do go down road of going through my personal issues I will even be able to tell you what my issue is, that I can only change my behavior (not anyone else’s), etc, etc….I can even tell you that I get it on a rational level, (cause I do) I just can’t seem to make the jump emotionally.
The catch: I try not to leave the house when I’m depressed. So I make it to my weekly doctor's appointment and they look at me like I’m insane for thinking I’m depressed; I’m sure a large number of their patients can’t articulate their feelings, much less their issues. I’m also guessing that many of them can’t get completely dressed, etc…So they act like I’m melodramatic, catastrophising and over reacting. Until…..I get so freaked out at home one day and don’t know how to control my sense of being overwhelmed, anxious or stop crying so I try to write it all down. I then take this nonsense to my shrink at which time they practically jump out their chair indicating that they “had no idea” I was having all these issues, and they I start to get some help.

Maybe I’ll take this blog post with me to my first visit, it should cut down on my need to meet as often.

Anyway, my OB wanted to see me in person regardless, so I went in. She told me that she doesn’t normally start out with a prescription, but since I have a history (of eating my young) and know what depression is and how it feels she doesn’t want me to wait on this one. So I got some drugs. I haven’t been on these before so hopefully they will work. In the meantime I’m doing things like (getting the flu) trying to write down all the things I did get done that day instead of hyper focusing on the ones that didn’t happen (and then beating myself up over it.)

A good friend sent me flowers this week (to brighten my day, which they did, they also made me cry and feel pathetic and needy, but that's one of my issues.) I wanted to post a pix of them cause they’re so pretty and they mean so much, but this is one of those things I haven’t’ gotten to (yet.) Normally I’d have missed my opportunity & they’d be wilting by now, but apparently 1-800-flowers gives you your money’s worth because they’re still gorgeous. So you may still get to see them.

Now, onto the house of Ill. Jeez, we’ve been sick!!! I finally took BS into the doctor (yesterday) cause I figured this thing was going to get it’s worst on Thanksgiving Day. I was right, the doctor said it probably is the cold she had a couple weeks ago as it’s moving into her ear & lungs. Doc was most impressed with her nose, when he looked up it, he exclaimed, “Wow”. Not a good sign. He said it’s pretty irritated, swollen & mucous-y in there. Well, duh. Got her some antibiotics so hopefully some relief very soon here.

I somehow developed a stomach virus on Monday. I made it to work and about 15 minutes into it got sick. I didn’t feel sick, but I had to change my clothes. (Yes, I was that sick.) Since I was scared to be away from a toilet for too long and I had an afternoon doctor’s appointment I stayed at home. And. Developed. The. Flu. Let me tell you watching a snotty 7 month old and about to be snotty 3 year old, while having aches & chills; no fun. (Even when you’re bribing them to just lay on the floor or you, by letting them watch episode after episode of Little Einsteins and Mickey Mouse Club House.) Poor DS got home & I handed him the baby and said, “you can do what you want for dinner, I’m going to bed.” Yesterday was better, but today I’m nauseated again. But I’m back at work, cause it’s more work at home with two kids.

So in summary; our kitchen counter looks like pharmacy, the pharmacist at Walgreens knows us by name & sight now and it’s been a long, long week.