Not Quite a Train Wreck & Happy Halloween!

We have a Rainbow Fairy & a Pirate this year.

Last Saturday, was our school's big fundraiser.  We actually only have one, so saying it's "big" is somewhat redundant.  It's a Fall Festival, which includes a costume parade, carnival games, inflatables, food; including a chili cook-off & cake decorating, a haunted house, and silent auction.  I think I missed a few things, but you get the idea.  It's a BIG. FREAKING. DEAL.  Each class puts together a "basket" for the silent auction.  This task is put on the room parent...and now you know where I'm going with this one.  LittleSpeak's class did something fairly low-key; we decorated a tote w/all the kids hand-prints and had each child bring in a new copy of a favorite book.  I put together a list of the books as a 'book-club' recommended reading list, and we included gift-certificates to Barnes & Nobel and Starbucks.  It wasn't a huge deal and I had lots of help, so it seemed mundane.  I, sort of, blew it on the day of HFN.  I volunteered to pass out pre-paid tickets/bracelets from 1-3.  The parade, which kicks off the event, starts at 4.  I thought I was so smart, getting my volunteer hours before the actual event.  I did not, however, consider the fact that I was going to be at the school from 1 in the afternoon.  So, at 3, DaddySpeak, brought the girls over to the school so I could apply "make-up" and finishing touches on their costumes.  Everything went well.  The girls had a blast, the school raised tons of money.  (We personally "won" 3 of the baskets, which means I have more than done my part for the school this year.  AND quite possibly I've finished some of my Christmas shopping.)
By 8 PM though, we were shot.  We walked home, put the girls to bed and collapsed on the couch.  Big was supposed to go to CCD at 8:30, but I couldn't get her to wake up.  I could've forced the issue w/her, but I could see she was in the middle of a dream.  I decided she needed sleep more than religion that morning.  The fact that my whole body felt like it had been run over might have contributed to that decision.  The short version; I overdid it and spent my Sunday in bed.  More details?  I used up most of my spoons for the week.  Sadly, quite a few things like dentist & doctor visits had been pushed to this week bc we were so busy leading up to the event. 
We made our appointments, but lets just say I wasn't winning any beauty contests this week.  Sweats and baseball hats were the wardrobe rule, and anything I could schedule out, (working in classrooms,) walking in the morning, grocery shopping, cooking diner, etc...was put off.  I did not win any domestic medals this week.  I need to remember to pad my week after events like this.  I tend to get burned by this kind of stuff.  You'd think I'd remember, but it's like my brain loses those part of the memories.  We survived.  The house, laundry and food situation could be better.  But honestly, they've been worse, (not that I'm proud of that).

I started to write this post on Wednesday of this week.  It was supposed to be about what a mess I was this week.  And I was, a mess.  But now that I'm at the next weekend, I'm actually able to be more objective about it.  Yeah, no one is putting the merits of my domestic skills in a magazine.  But I got the stuff done, I had to.  I listened to my body and rested when I could.  And I had enough stuff in the freezer and with leftovers that we, (Daddy,) made a decent dinner for all each night.  So instead of being a train wreak, maybe I'm just a car accident?  (KNOCK ON WOOD!) I guess that's progress, right?

My So-Called Trip to Vegas

I'm dying to write about my weekend.  I went to a Digital Scrapbooking "Fest."  I've been telling my In Real Life, (IRL,) friends, that it's a 'digital graphics users group.'  It is, and if they had a Public Relations, (PR,) person, the organizers might know that.  I suspect it would've been much more costly though; good PR people are expensive after all.  ;-)  They want to call it a "Fest," if it's keeping prices down, I'm all for it.

So, I spent the weekend in "Vegas Baby!" (You have to say it like that you know.) And I didn't even put a nickle in a slot.  Ha! That would imply there were nickle slots.  I didn't put a quarter or dollar even, then!  Honestly, there was a time period, approximately 11 years ago, when the thought of going to Vegas would've made me cry.  I worked for a chip maker and had to go to Vegas about every two months for their tradeshow circuit.  I grew to loath the place.  I could have and should have written a travel book on the place, because my knowledge on what to do and not to do was vast, but like I said, it would be too soon if I'd never gone there again. When DaddySpeak, (DS) found out where I was going he was shocked.  I told him I didn't burst into tears at the thought, so there's that.  Guess I'm past my PTSD finally.  ;-)  I did have fun, but it was actually a bit stressful, not because of the conference.  I suppose, the stressful part of my trip put any issues I might have had related to the conference into perspective.  I traveled w/LittleSpeak's Godmom, H.  Her husband, A came as well.  He was going to gamble while we were in classes and they could go out at night.  About two hours after we arrived, we convinced him to go to a see a doctor at walk-in clinic.  He had a really bad cold & he looked and sounded awful.  He had planned to get a day pass at the spa we were going to, but instead agreed to go to a walk-in clinic which was right off the strip.  (My knowledge of this place, it still applies.)  So H & I went to the Spaaaaaaa.  It was the same spa I went to w/DS a year and a half ago.  I was afraid it wasn't going to be as good.  I was sure I'd built it up in my mind to be much better than it really was, but I was not disappointed.  It was amazing & relaxing.  Exactly what I needed.  Our plan was that when we got done, we were going to shower & head to the opening reception for our "Fest."  It didn't work out that way.  Well, it did for me.  Poor H, had 4 texts from A about all the places they were sending him from the walk-in clinic; the last one being that they were going to admit him to the hospital.  H didn't shower or anything, she threw her clothes on and headed to the hospital.  I was able to check-in for her at the reception and told them what was happening with her.  The reception seemed so weird to me.  My head was really more over at the hospital with them.  I was getting updates from H.  Apparently, Friday night at the ER closest to the Vegas Strip is a bit sketchy, who woulda thunk?  They did release A with strict instructions to take his antibiotics and get lots of rest.  They'd hydrated him and administered IV antibiotics.  Told him they'd caught the pneumonia  early, so he should bounce back pretty quick.  They got back to the hotel about 9:00 PM.   On Saturday, I woke to the sound of my cell phone buzzing.  It seems that around 3:30 AM, H realized that A wasn't getting any sleep and seemed to be not breathing very well at all.  They had headed back to the ER.  She was updating me with their happenings since that time.  At, 5:45 AM, when I woke up, the doctors had declared he needed to be admitted for 2-3 days.  His oxygen saturation was extremely low, so low, that when I discussed it w/DS he was sure I heard it wrong.  He couldn't believe that A was functioning at all w/a saturation so low.  I confirmed it w/H 3 times though, it really was that low.  A was actually stuck in ER for 14 HOURS on Saturday.  The hospital was so crazy busy that they couldn't get him to a room w/a bed.  When they finally did, he was so bad that they put him ICU.  H missed the Saturday classes and tour we had planned.  She got home late that night, once things had more or less stabilized with A.  On Sunday, things seemed a bit better.  She went over to see him in the morning and they had just managed to break his (very high,) fever w/an ice bath.  After an hour or so, things seemed to moving in the right direction and he had fallen asleep, so H came back to the hotel and we got lunch.  We went back to the conference room and started to cut papers on  a hybrid project we'd (myself & other attendees,) worked on that morning.  I figured she could get some of it done and I'd finish whatever didn't happen for her.  At least she'd walk away with something, right?  Only while we were doing that, she got a text from A implying they might discharge him that afternoon.  Some of his "bloodwork had come back very positive."  H was packing up to head back to the hospital and called him to find out what was going on.  (He'd been in no shape to leave when she'd left him that morning.  He was better, but the guy was still requiring oxygen to breathe.)  While she was talking to him on the phone, he was overcome w/the shakes.  No fever, just uncontrollable shakes.  Not long after H got the hospital, he finally spiked a fever around 103.7.  They'd given him meds to try and knock it down, but he couldn't keep them down.  They had to used ice packs and IV meds to try and get the fever under control.  They did get it back down, but there was no mistaking he wasn't going anywhere soon.  I forget what time H got back that night, but it wasn't early.   Monday, was the day we were all supposed to come home.  I attended the closing of the "Fest," while H updated me via text from the hospital.  A was still running a low-grade fever, he was still on oxygen and he obviously wasn't flying anywhere that day.  But, he seemed to be slightly better.  He even got out of bed and walked around the nurses desk w/H.  Then he fell asleep exhausted.  I was VERY torn about leaving H and A.  If something awful happened, H had no one there with her.  If my folks weren't traveling overseas, it would've been a no brainer, I would've stayed.  But, as it was, I had to ask my Sister-In-Law to pick up the girls from school.  I offered to stay, (it was via text,) but I don't know if H never got it, or just didn't reply.  All the medal in the hospital and casinos made it so that we didn't always get our text in a timely manner.  Luckily, things really were improving.  A was discharged last night and they flew home today, Wednesday.  I actually haven't talked to them since they've gotten here.  The last text I got was when they were boarding the plane.  I know they're both exhausted, so it can wait.  He's still very, very sick.  She's got to go back to work and they have four year old twins to deal with too.  I'm still reeling from this weekend and I'm not the one who spent all the time in the hospital worrying about my husband.  I can NOT imagine how overwhelmed they must be feeling.  So, if you would, please say a little prayer, or light a candle or send the good karmic vibes.  They could use it right about now.

Also, go give the people you love a hug.  It's so easy to forget how fragile life can be. 

In my next post, I might actually talk about what I did, beside text w/H all weekend. ;-)

Learning to Love

When I read this, I kept thinking about all the crushes kids at this age, (around ages 4-8ish,) have;  lots of boys want to marry their mommy's & girl's their daddy's  (I suspect visa versa too.)  Many, many kids have crushes on their kindergarten teachers.  No one thinks much of these "school kid crushes."  They're considered normal.  This is the way in which a child at this age processes love for the people they know.  I know both my girls claim they are never moving out.  They'll just move their families into our house with us.  They can't even imagine wanted to live away from home for college.  This makes me laugh, because, I suspect, they will be "chomping at the bit" to get out by that time.  And I do hope they're excited when it's their turn.  But they're kids and they can't imagine loving someone any more than they love us right now. As they get older their world gets bigger, and so does their idea of what love is.  My point is, that I totally agree with the author.  She's right, we should imagine as if all of our kids are being targeted by the hateful anti-gay rhetoric.  Even people who "aren't anti-gay" but are against gay-marriage need to stop deluding themselves.  While you might not be a hateful person, the message you send our kids is that they aren't equal.  And that is not okay. 

When the whole prop 8 thing started here in CA, it was interesting to me how many of our neighbors posted pro-prop 8 signs in their yards.  Churches were passing them out at their services.  To me it felt like they were going out of their way to point out their feelings.  So, in turn, several of us made calls & got anti-prop 8 signs for our yards.  Listen, I'm fine with the whole we can agree to disagree thing, but not when it comes to my child's self-esteem.  If it turns out, a child of mine is gay, then I want them to know that I will not tolerate them being treated differently. I will fight for them and their rights always.  I'm their parent and they are my child above all else.  There are no conditions on that.  That's why they call it unconditional love.  At the time of the prop 8 discussion, an older family member indicated that they "weren't anti-gay, but they just didn't think they (the gays,) should be allowed to marry.  They can have civil unions, why do they need marriage?"  I have to admit was I was shocked.  There are several people in our extended families who feel this way, but I was surprised by this person.  This person wanted to "agree to disagree," but I was really having a hard time with leaving it like that.  I finally asked them, "What if one of your grandchildren is gay?  Do you want any of them to be told they are a lesser person because of that?  Do you think it's okay to deny them the right to a marriage? They already legally can be on each others' health care, have children together, purchase a home together, (which is harder than any of those other things,) so why not marriage?"  Initially, the person wanted to drop it, so I let it go, but I made it clear I didn't like it.  The day after the election this person told me that they voted against prop 8.  The idea made them uncomfortable because of what they've been told are their life.  But when I put it in the framework of their own grand kids, whom they love and cherish and truly just want them to be happy, that made them realize they could live with uncomfortable.  Their grand kids deserved more."
Are either of my children gay?  I don't know, neither do they, they're too young to know.  What I do know, is that they are loved no matter what, and I will not tolerate people judging them harshly on that subject.  I know that any "crushes" they have at this age are just a normal part of growing.  It tells me we're doing something right; our children know how to love.

Monday Moring

I do get the irony that my blog is named "Mommy Speaks," yet I haven't been saying so much for the last several months.  Life is hard dude.  I often feel like I start feeling better, but when I start to participate in real life, I end up falling on my face.  It's that fine line I've mentioned; the one where you need to do just enough to help yourself move forward and feel better.  If I stay on that line, I'm OK, when I cross it....splat.
For me it seems like everything is ok, until it's not, but that's not totally true.  I take on extra responsibilities, which is fine at that time.  But then my sleep starts getting messed with, and little by little it chips away at my energy reserves.  My pain starts showing up again...and it feels like it's sudden, but really it's been building for several weeks.  I'm better at recognizing it.  I make myself slow down, back off, get to bed earlier, but eventually, it's not enough.  So, that's why I've been very spotty in my attention to writing.  It's too bad, because my writing is a big outlet for me.

I just reread my last post about "thriving."  I know, I jinxed my self in writing that.  BigSpeak being sick and DaddySpeak being out for a week is what started me onto my current status of lack of sleep and pain. (LittleSpeak waking me 2-3x a night is also part of the problem.) I play catch up a lot on the weekends, but this weekend was worse than most week days.  Monday morning, we all overslept,  Little too.  It's the first time this year, and I was able to get the girls to their classes w/out having to check in tardy, so that's still leaps & bounds from last year.  (I think I'd already gotten a letter from the school at this point last year.) I hate that feeling of being behind.  You know the one that comes w/a morning like ours; you're rushing around, can't find the things you need, going to be late regardless... I've had that rushed/hopeless feeling since sometime last week.  This morning's episode did not improve it.  Today, I'm trying to basically do nothing.  Right now, I'm on the couch, trying to find the least painful position.  My afternoon is full of doctor's appointments and lessons (for the kids,) so that doing nothing is relative to the time of day.  I'm heading to a scrapbook conference this weekend.  I'm excited to go, but I'm also really nervous for my family; getting to all the places they need to be.  I wish there was a way I could be reassured that would happen.  I also want to make sure I can do all the things I want to do on my trip too (spa time).  I need this feeling to go away, so I can enjoy what's going on around me right now.