Sleep, it turns out, not so overrated

When you first have a child you expect to have many sleepless nights. It's one of those things everyone tells you about. Even though most of us are astounded at how much sleep you don't get, you do have a sense of what's coming. Later, depending on your "sleeping philosophy" (yes, there is too such a thing) when you finally decide your child needs to sleep in their own bed, in their own room, you will usually experience a similar bout of sleeplessness in your efforts. Also, sort of understood that you're going to go thru this when you choose to co-sleep. I hear the teenage years also give you a new reason to lose sleep, but we aren't at that juncture yet. I guess the point is that, I get it, when you have kids you lose out on your sleep. I just didn't expect it now.

Little background:
I have FM (Fibromyalgia). One of the major components of FM is not sleeping. I look like I'm sleeping, I just never get to any REM sleep. To say it SUCKS would not begin to do it justice. So, I am familiar with lack of sleep. I also have been very lucky in finding protocols that have been affective in treating my symptoms. I guard my sleep very closely as you might imagine.

When the girls were born, they slept in their own rooms from the first night home. I know, I'm an evil, evil woman and they will require years of therapy for it, I'm sure. Both girls, BTW, slept thru the night from day 1. Ducks Ok, so before you get your panties in a bunch over it, we still had our share of lost sleep. Both girls were also very small (for full term) and had trouble gaining weight. They fed well, they just couldn't get much in them in the beginning. Trust me I had my full share of stressful newborn stuff, and we had to set alarms so as not to miss feedings. No, the baby didn't wake us to be fed, but if we didn't wake her & missed a feeding, it was a pretty big deal. (With Big, we had to go to the doc to have her weighed every other day. She should've been back in the hospital for failure to thrive, but the doc knew I was doing everything possible to rectify it, so he gave us a pass, as long as we came in for weighs every other day to show we weren't slipping backward with her.) That being said, both my girls have been excellent sleepers from the day 1.

Little has always been an early bird, which SUCKS, cause I'm a night owl , but otherwise on the sleep front our girls have been amazing. Until....the last six months. When it comes to Little, everything is about control. So when she started giving us a hard time w/bedtime, we knew it wasn't really about being tired or not. We've gone thru the: lay w/me, need water, one more book, have to go to the bathroom, phases...it doesn't matter, she'll find an excuse to delay. Then we went thru a long, drawn out period of her getting up & us putting her back to bed. (The record was 80x in one night. Nanny Joe would've been proud.) We've gotten past all that, finally, and now she's started w/middle of the night stuff. She gets up in the middle of the night (2/3 AM,) goes to the bathroom & climbs into bed with us! At first, she'd come to my side & try to get me to pick her up. That didn't fly. Now she's sneaky and climbs in, in between us so we won't wake right up. But, Mama is a lousy sleeper, and she usually wants to snuggle up with (or kick) me. Both of those are more than enough to wake me & try to get her back into her own bed. (I won't sleep more or less, once she's in our bed.) Putting her back in her bed results in tantrum throwing; ear piercing screams, throwing herself on the ground, face as a wall of snot, the full deal. It's a minimum 1 hour deal on a good night. Most nights it goes on till it's time to get up. We put a lock on her door (so we could lock her in) but that resulted in her starting out w/the tantrum because she couldn't get out of her room to pee. We still think that's part of hte answer for now, but I sure wish she'd stop screaming.

She's deceptively cute.

On top of it, she's been running a fever off and on all week, so she's not sleeping all that great anyway. Now I have the fever (big surprise). I'm averageing 2-3 hours per night right now, and I have two very active girls, who don't nap, during the day.
I don't really expect any great solutions (other than putting some whisky in her juice at dinner). I know we're doing what we should do to resolve this and it's just a matter of being consistent. I just wanted to vent.

And to tell you, "Damn, I'm tired."

Wordless Wednesday

Not completely Wordless Wednesday....

So I dropped a bomb & disappeared for while. Your welcome. I am going to address the bomb I dropped BTW, just not today. And when I do, it'll be quick, so don't blink, you might miss it.

So, where have I been? Gonna use "wordless Wednesday" to show you:








Spent a week and a half in July at the beach!







Yes, they are only 6 & 3. And yes, they are Boogie Boarding already. I'm doomed.

Sexy Health Care Reform

In my inbox tonight I came across the current Blogher newsletter. The headline was this article:

How do we make "Health Care" as sexy as "Beer Summit"? Obama Administration asks BlogHers to help. Will you?

If you don't want to click over, the gist of it is this:

"They [the Obama Administration] aren’t paying lip service. TELL THEM WHAT YOU THINK about their health care reform plan and if you DO NOT LIKE IT give them your ideas. I’m sending your feedback directly to White House staff.

Let 'er rip!!"

Umm, Ok. I'll give you my 2cents.

I couldn't stay a lurker when I saw this one. I know it's been a while since I've posted anything. (Long story, fodder for another post at another time.) This is the topic that has drawn me back out. Below, is the comment I left. Listen, I think this is really important. The reality is that our health care system is limping along at best. It's going to change. Whether you like what you're hearing about that change or not, you should add your 2cent to this conversation too. It's the same w/voting, if you don't vote you don't get to complain. If you don't put out your opinions on this when asked, then you shouldn't complain about the result.

On this topic I had to throw in my 2 cents (I usually just lurk). I have had a long journey w/Fribromyalgia. My first severe symptoms (hospitalization required) were 22 years ago. I was finally diagnosed 8 years ago. That is a lot of experience (at a young age) w/many parts of the health care system. Now you know my credentials, so here's a couple things I'd like to throw out. Note: I don't know how to make these happen (that's the job of the people making the reforms, right?) I just know that these are things that I think need to be addressed, based on my experience.

1. Cobra: (Where do I start). I have a chronic illness, thus we sign up for the best possible health care we can get through our employers. Yet if we lose our jobs, (and it's happened,) the Cobra option requires us to stay w/the same level of coverage, while we're unemployed. I've just lost my job, I'm looking to drop my costs not add to them. It makes no sense. Upon losing your job, there should be some kind of interim wellness coverage available to the average person. I shouldn't have to choose between bankruptcy and health insurance each month. There should be some sort of coverage for people in between jobs. I shouldn't have to be completely broke to be able to get a step culture.

2. Most of us (middle class) are one severe illness away from bankruptcy. That may sound ridiculous, but it's true. Even with "good" health coverage, a severe illness can put us all in major debt if not bankruptcy. There should be some way that people can be assured that they won't lose their home because someone in their family gets sick.

3. I hear that if we "like" what we're getting at our employers then this won't affect us. We can stick w/that. What if we don't like what our employers are offering us? What if what our employers are offering us less than before? Will the government fill in the gaps for us? It should. I agree that those who's have no coverage need it. But most of us are underinsured. Please remember us too!

Ok, so go give them your 2cents too! It's important!

I'm sure there's more I could come up with, but off the top of my head here you go! My point is that while I agree that the huge amount of people who lack coverage need to get it, please don't forget about those in the middle. We have coverage, but we are hardly "covered".

Something Wicked this way comes....

I've actually been writing and not posting if you can believe it.

A few weeks ago something really awful happened to me. Something that was purposefully done by someone to me. This person was angry with me and I guess thought this was a way to retaliate. But in coming after me, this person also went after my family. They could have hurt my family very badly. (Bet that got your attention, didn't it?) What happened had no merit to it, and so it has passed. From a bystanders point, it could easily be dismissed because it was so far off base. But in the thick of it, it was awful. It was a really terrible thing to have to go through.

I've been debating about posting about it. I had to write about it while it was happening. The feelings I had were so overwhelming, so all consuming that the only way I could begin to rein them in was to write them down. Writing didn't change the feelings, but it allowed me to look at them more objectively and move on to the next appropriate emotion. And, trust me, there was a process to go through on this one.

And so there are posts that have not been published.

This was such an awful event that that I'm debating if I should post these writings or not. The "incident" is past, but this morning the remnants of it reared it ugly head a bit and made me wonder what I did to deserve all this drama. And, if I post those writings, am I inviting the drama I despise. Probably.

I'm torn, I think that it would be cathartic to a degree. And it's my blog, and I want to write about my life, right now! as it is! I want my girls to have this to look back at & know me as the person I was at this time. To hopefully understand some of the decisions I've made and why. But, I also don't want anymore drama than I've already received. So I'm still debating. Maybe when things have died down a bit more and the wounds are not so fresh. Maybe.

This One at Band Camp....

Mir over at Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda, just wrote a post about her first of many car camping trips. It reminded me of a specific adventure when I was a kid. I figured w/summer looming a camping story was appropriate, so here's the Reader's Digest version:

One time when I was 14 or so, my girl scout troop went to Disneyland & stayed at the campsites there, Vacationland! (You can't make this stuff up.) The "campsite" consisted of a field of grass. Our immediate neighbors where of the "white trash" variety. I know this because "Dad" walked around half the night cussing (loudly, of course) in his cowboy hat, tighty whiteys and (wait for it...) yes, his cowboy boots. Quite an education for us 14YOs. Finally, some poor traveler from the UK couldn't take it anymore & told him to shut up (in a very important sounding English accent). When we laughed loudly from our tents and other camper cheered & applauded, I guess he figured he was outnumbered & drank quietly after that.

Now THAT's a camping w/the public story!

SIX

Really??? SIX??? Already? Dam. It really does go by so fast.
And Big? I love you. More than you can know. You are the child who gave me the gift that is motherhood. You made us a family, so much more than a couple. You are my first and like I always tell you,
"You'll always be my baby."

Happy Birthday Big! I hope is so awesome!

Bathing Suit Season; The Mom Suit

We have been having some very, very nice weather in our parts. Reminding us that summer is (pretty much here) right around the corner. Since we went to the beach last weekend AND it was hot I had to break down & put on THE BATHING SUIT.

I may have mentioned how I've put on a few pounds since my surgery. Like THIRTY!!!! I'm not exactly pleased about this, but I've been trying to tell myself it's going to come off once I get more mobile. As with most things about me, I seem to take 5x as long for everything, so I'm still not very mobile yet. Don't get me wrong, I am getting better, I am doing more, but I'm also still lugging around an additional 30 lbs these days. AND IT SUCKS!!! Now, let me tell you how I really feel about it.

To say I HATE putting on a bathing suit wouldn't begin to describe my feelings on this subject. Being a women who was born & raised in the US, I realize I am not alone in my feelings, and that my weight really doesn't have that much to do with it. It's body image, I get that. I really do. If you look back, you'll realized my most comfortable body is when I'm pregnant & huge. I LOVE the way I look pregnant. But I wrote that post already. I'm trying very hard not to give my daughters' body image issues (at least the ones I have). I prefer to the let the media do my dirty work for me. Seriously, it's why we don't push the food issue w/them, it's why I monitor how much juice, milk & water they get, etc...I want them to be healthy and comfortable in their own skin. As women, we deserve that, and I don't know how to do that for myself, so I'm doing my best to keep my daughters from ever getting there.

And this is where the "mom suit" comes in. I swore I would never wear one, but I do. If you don't know, a mom bathing suit, usually involves a skirted bottom and a full coverage top. It's the bottom that really makes it a mom suit. Land's End has really taken the suit up a notch in the last several years and made it much more main stream. Not sure if that's good or bad, but it does put me here, at 40, wearing a bathing suit I swore I never would. (I wore bikini's when pregnant, I am woman, hear/see me roar/grow!) All I need now is some soccer playing kids, and a minivan. One out of two at least.

I know for most women the mom suit comes into play when you're pregnant. You want something to cover your ever expanding arce (and stomach). And then after you've had the baby, you want something to cover your stretch marks, cellulite and flab. Childbirth is hell, and that's not even the labor part. For me, it actually started much earlier, and for much different reasons; bikini lines. Apparently, I am descended from a long line gorillas or something. Ok, seriously, all women have to shave, down there, if they want to wear a bathing suit. We're all adults here and know that. I have very curly hair, so when my hair grows it grows in a curl, which makes me very, very prone to ingrown hairs. Suffice to say, I don't think the word HATE quite covers how I feel about the shaving thing. About 15 years ago I decided forget it & bought some board shorts to wear over my bathing suit. I wore a bikini top, so it looks "sporty." I keep telling myself that, so work w/me here. It worked pretty well until after I had a baby. Then any muscle tone I had left in my midsection disappeared. Also, I wasn't wearing something that allowed my flab to hang over my bottoms. Your welcome for the visual. So I moved to the mom suit. I did it w/the stipulation that it would be temporary, you know, once I lost the baby weight. But here we are, 6 years later still wearing it.

If you need me I'll be driving my kids to soccer practice, in my minivan while listening to NASCAR and wearing my mom suit.

Threats

Little wouldn't quit w/the disruption on the packing. You know it's all about her, so laundry, cooking dinner, packing bags, not really her thing. I finally told her that if she didn't knock it off she was going to stay home w/Daddy for the weekend and Big & I would go to the beach. That kicked her butt into gear. Finally, something worked.

Then Daddy got home, and she stuck to him like glue. He couldn't get the kid to leave him alone for two seconds. Since he's trying to load the car, she's continually getting stepped on, smashing fingers in the ice chest, you get the idea. Once the car has been opened up she is IN HER SEAT & will NOT get out. I decide maybe she's overtired & hungry, so I warm up diner for the girls so we can finished getting the car loaded up. (Sausage & Quiche, they love these things.)

She counts out loud: "One, two, three" (pops three bites of sausage in her mouth,) "One, two, three" pops three bites of quiche in her mouth, required amounts to have completed dinner in our house) and declares herself done.
I told her that was fine, she didn't have to eat anymore if she really was full, but if she didn't eat all her dinner she couldn't get a jamba juice on the way. (Bribes)

Little: "That's fine. I don't want a Jamba Juice." (hops in open car, starts putting on seatbelt, and will not get out.)

I finally realized that she was sure I was going to leave her home. She figured as long as Daddy kept telling her he was going then she was, but just to make sure she was getting in her seat & NOT getting out.

Guess it's nice to know I have some clout around here after all.

Packing

Got a few little posts to share from this weekend & such. (NO interwebs again at the beach!!! The humanity!!!)

So anywho, on Friday I'm trying to pack and I tell the girls to pick up the playroom. "No one's leaving for the beach until the house is packed & picked up!"
Big is doing her part, she gets that I don't really care how they pick it up, just that I can see the floor when it's done.
Little, on the other hand, is taking toys out when Big puts them away. In fact, she waits till Big has finished putting away, say a 100+ piece puzzle & then dumps out the box. (Lovely child.)
Big is, understandably, kinda flipping out over this.
I call Little into the kitchen and tell her she needs to help PUT AWAY. She tells me, "No." So...

Me: "You need to help our you're going to get a time out & go take a nap in your room."
Little: (hand on hip) "Fine! I'll go to my room!"

And then I died from laughing.

She's THREE (barely) and she calls my bluff every time!

Recession Era Cleaning! And other uplifting stories.

Well based on the title of my last post, this one ought to be entitled something like, "Someone Must Be Crapping Butterflies" No? My point is that it just keeps getting better round here. If you follow my twitter you may have noticed that I am now the "evil mommy." You missed that? Well, let's just say that I'm finding new uses for cleaning products all the time!

Little is still on her rampage and today started in w/the spitting again. To be honest, I don't even remember what her issue was at the time. But by the time she was being punished I was done with her. She spit 2x and got warnings and I was just at the end of my rope. She's THREE! If I can't get control of her now (or let's be honest, I'm trying to teach her to control herself) what the heck will I do when she's 13??? So I grabbed the bottle of hand soap from the kitchen counter & walked into the (time out) dinning room. She was screaming and spitting and just generally being lovely while standing in front of (she wouldn't stay in) the time out chair. So, I stuck the little pump into her mouth & gave it a press and she promptly
FLIPPED. THE. F. OUT.
It got her attention, that's for sure. She then spent some time doing some more spitting; trying to get the soap out her mouth. Yes, I do see the irony of my actions. And I was fearful for a time that she was going to force herself to barf over it. That would've taught me, huh. In the end, I was able to get her to calm down so that I could help her rinse out her mouth w/out making it worse. She didn't like it, so we'll see if it's a deterrent or not in the future. I'm hopeful, but not that optimistic.
All the time this was happening, she was devastated that I did it to her. You could see the look in her eyes. I'm the one who's supposed to love her no matter what awful thing she does or how far she pushes me and I did THIS to her? I know that I'm teaching her boundaries and appropriate responses, etc...and that if I don't, I'm not doing her any favors. I totally get that. But it doesn't make me feel any less guilty about it. I've tried giving her chances to do the right thing, rewarding good behavior and even hugging her to try and help her reset. What I want to do when this stuff is going down is really just hug her super tight and somehow make her understand that I really do love her so very much and to please stop trying to make me prove it to her. I hate this part of parenting. I hate having to punish her. I hate feeling like I'm not giving her sister enough attention (cause she's the "good one") and I hate that she lacks the control to stop herself and I don't seem to know how to help her find it. Sigh

More sunshine and rainbows!

Well 3 has gotten off to an officious start.
Let me start this off by stating that everyone I know w/young kids (3 & under) seems to be having similar experiences. All of our kids seem to have freaked the F out. I don't know if it's the moon phase or air pressure change or what, but in the last week it seems like all of our kids have turned into complete THREE YEAR OLDS (aka-monsters!!!). You know what they say about 3? It's 2 w/a year of experience. (I'll be here all zee week, don't forget to tip your bartenders and waitresses!)

So that being said; Little bit the crap out of me last night. You may remember we had some issues in the past w/the biting. (You know one of the catalysts that got us into a kiddie shrink for a while). But somehow this was worse. Maybe it was because she's bigger (and stronger) or maybe it's because she hasn't really pulled anything like this in quite a while, I really feel like I've failed her. Is that weird? Shouldn't I be pissed at her?

Here's what happened:
We started the day w/her in snitch anyway. My girlfriend w/the twins came over in the AM which was good cause she was just getting into stuff to push my buttons. So our morning was covered. In the afternoon we had gymnastics (also good, blows off lots of steam) and then M and planned to hit the outlet mall which now has a Crocs store. We dropped our car off at our house and in the 5 mins it took to get there Little had fallen asleep. Considering her mood earlier in the day I should've had bells going off and LET HER SLEEP. But it seemed silly to take two cars, so I woke her and we piled into M's van. Once there I realized I had forgotten a stroller (restraint device) of any type and then was reminded the entire time, why I don't shop w/both my kids. OMG! I suppose they weren't any worse than any one else's kids, but kids running around in a store drives me nuts! Just writing about it stresses me out. I can feel my BP rising right now. So anyway we head home after I spent 30 mins yelling at my kids. We get back to our house and Little runs to the grass so she can stand (safely) and wave bye. I tell her to come in and she not only ignores me, but runs down to the side walk & starts running in circles. (Remember what I said about pushing buttons?) I (more sternly) tell her to "get in the house NOW!", which she ignores. So I get her and march her by the arm into the house. Well, this was not the response she was looking for, so she's trying to hit at me & then tries to spit me (lovely new habit, she learned it at school). Now we're in our doorway so I give her smack on the butt (not a hard one, but a smack still) and tell her, "You don't hit or spit at Mommy!" She then turns around to me and screams, "YOU DON'T HIT ME MOMMY!" To which I reply, "You don't talk to Mommy like that! You're getting a time out." She's less than pleased and isn't going to participate if she can help it, so I pick her up to take her to the time out chair. Mind you, my back has been a mess since Sunday, so picking her up is really something I should be avoiding (and this scenario shows a lot of why my back is taking so long to heal.) So I pick her up so that her front is laying across my arm (my hand is holding between her legs and my arm is supporting most of her weight). She retaliates by clamping onto the inside of my arm WITH. HER. TEETH! She didn't get a big chunk either. No, she got like a "pinch" so I couldn't pull her off w/out ripping the skin. Instead I go to hold her like that while yelling at her to let go. When she finally did, well as you might imagine, my arm modeling career is done. I gave her 3 more smacks on the bum (she was unfazed) and put her into the time out chair. She's screaming and generally carrying on (I can only imagine what the neighbors must think.) And, cue Daddy walking in. He took one look at me and said, "What's going on?" I didn't say anything I just gave me a look and then showed him my arm. He was shocked (by now the bite, was red & purple and very swollen). I informed him that I was "done" for the evening, got a pain pill (for my back) and laid down on the couch.

Daddy, the saint that he is, took Little out back. She continued her tantrum for at least another 30 minutes. One part resulted in her spinning herself in circles and carrying on, while sitting on the deck. Her feet were bare, so that resulted in many large splinters. She, of course, wanted Mommy to get them out & make her feel better. Daddy told her, "No way, not till you apologize." This, resulted in more tantrum. Eventually she agreed to apologize & I worked on her foot till I had enough wood to build a small fire. Then we were done with the episode.

Now, while I'm not a proponent of spanking/hitting in general, I do think there are times/situations when it's warranted. In hindsight, I think I might have been better served w/some liquid soap in the mouth, but still the spanking is not what I'm feeling guilty about. No, I'm just sad because I don't know how to help her get past this. I feel like I'm failing her, cause she's only 3 and I should be able to teach her how to funnel these feelings more productively. I guess I'm feeling as frustrated as she does.

Today, after school, she was back to her funny, goofy, sweet self. Of course.

THREE!!!

Yup, that's what said, THREE!!!

Crazy how fast this all goes by. Seriously no more babies in my house. It does make me a little sad, they are growing so fast. I know, it's so cliche, but it's so true. I've written about her actual "birth day" in the past. And I've reflected on the past year. Truth be told, if I reflected on this year, it would not all be positive. And I want her b-day post to be positive, so I'm writing about her party. Somehow I turned this post into a testimonial for Build-a-Bear. But hey, they made my kid's day. Honestly, that's what I'm looking for in a b-day party; a very happy b-day girl.

We celebrated Little's b-day w/a Build-a-Bear party. We decided after my surgery that we would pony up for the girls' b-day this year & not kill ourselves before, during & after. Instead, I just kill myself during, you know, trying to get all my pix. ;-) Let me just say, worth EVERY. DAMN. PENNY! It cost us about the same as having it at home & less than the Pump It Up or Gym parties. I KNOW??? Who knew??? And we went full board ($25 a kid, you can go as low as $10 per kid and you're only required to have 6 kids for it to be a party). Every child left w/a great experience, a new friend and a groovy outfit. My child was THRILLED! The kids at this party ranged in age from 2-6, so a lot like herding cats in my opinion & our group leader was amazing; she could switch gears w/no problem. All the kids had fun, and were involved. My oldest has decided she wants a party there now and pared down her list to a number Mommy could live with. We already scheduled it & sent out the invites.

So everyone had a blast. Momma & Daddy were happy (feel like we got our money's worth & our baby's happy). B-day girl was THRILLED! And all the party goers were happy!
It's a win-win-win (get it 3 wins for a 3YO). Happy B-day Little! I'm so glad you're happy, it's what makes me happy.

Jinx

I keep putting off this post, hoping things will improve. Of course, I jinx myself or something, by writing that last post. Not really, I know that. But, as I've said earlier, this healing thing has been very "two steps forward, three steps back." So I've been more on the 3 steps back side of things and when I'm like that I'm not much in the mood to post. Lying on the couch doesn't leave much to talk about, you know? Things got real bad last Thursday night. I had a pretty intense Physical Therapy (PT) session that day, but I felt good when doing it, so I didn't think it was from that. My muscles were stiff that night when I was heading to bed so I took one of my muscle relaxers (haven't had one of those in several weeks). I woke up Friday and could barely move. It was super bad. AND my foot was numb! The numbness slowly worked it's way up my leg during the day and by the time Daddyspeak got home (and I could take a much desired pain pill) my leg was gone!

I thought I was done w/the numbness!

I only took half pain pills (vicodin) cause, even though it hurt, it wasn't debilitating and I wanted to know if I started to come out of it. (Plus those things really screw w/my sleep patterns.) I'd been taking anti-inflammatory meds all day (and icing) w/out any luck. Since I knew the disc wasn't pushing on the nerve, and I don't have excess scar tissue (something PT works on every time I go in) I figured something must've been inflamed and pushing on the nerve. While it was unpleasant, it did improve and by Sunday I was able to host Easter for my family.

My guess was that I might be a human barometer now. That was the only major change I could think of, that could've caused such a drastic reaction; we had a MAJOR pressure change Thursday/Friday. My back doc had asked if I'd noticed anything related to weather since I'd had the healing issues w/my bones; it's not uncommon for people to have that added affect.

I had PT again today & told them about my little experience. My PT did some extra massage on the vertebrae directly affected from the surgery. She thinks I might have scar tissue building/attaching directly to the nerve root. I guess the scar tissue isn't just on the cut itself. I was actually feeling pretty good before she started & by the time she was done it was hurting like heck and I had the pins and needles going down my leg. I did the rest of my exercises & was OK by the time I left. (I basically work out for 2 hours at PT.) I got home & capitalized on my energy burst (and the fact that Little was in school and Big was out w/G'ma) and did a load of laundry & got some picking up done. Then I was losing steam so I worked at my computer. I was pretty good (even got dinner on the table & ate w/the family tonight, Woo!) But when I started to clear the table my leg went numb. I took my cue & got my butt on the couch. I ended up taking a pain pill (full one) cause it was giving me waves of increasing pain. I did notice that if I touch the area next to my scar it's incredibly tender. That's new, so I think this is a reaction to the massage. I'm also thinking my little weekend pain jaunt was probably more related to PT than not. I iced my back again & I'm better. Still tingly, but not completely numb. Hopefully, it'll not get worse by morning.

So there's your medical post for the day. I feel bad that so much of what I'm writing these days is about this, but that's my life these days. I can say that things are still better and continuing to get that way. My energy level is improved and the pain I'm having is no where near what I was having in November and December or even in February or March. It's all about babysteps, but we are getting there.

Back to Me

No, this isn't a post about my back.
Really, it's not. Well, everything is about my back, sort of, but as much as anything in my life can be removed this post is just that. Removed.
Did you read my last post?
Recognize anything? No really, think about it.

ME!

Yes, me I'm back.
No, I never totally left, and I've been off the drugs for weeks now, but since Thursday I've been back.
God, I hope it doesn't go away. For the first time in months (maybe 2 years) I feel like I'm back to being me. No underlying current of pain in everything I do. I'm not pain free. Well, occasionally, like right now, I can get into a position that doesn't hurt, isn't even uncomfortable, for a period of time.
That's new.
Yeah, that's how bad it really was, there was never a time when it didn't actively hurt. Ever. Then it was just that I was always at least uncomfortable, if not in pain. But today, today, I've had periods of time when I don't hurt. Well, if I move I'll still feel it, but damn that light at the end of that tunnel is getting bright.

Last Thursday I saw my back doctor. He was IMPRESSED w/my ability. "Things were looking good, I had another month of Physical Threapy (PT) and if I needed more they would let him know, so he released me from his care. "
Wow.
I mean I knew I was doing well, but I still was having a lot of pain and are you sure? I didn't say anything. I was actually surprised during the appointment. I did my usually; touch your toes, bend backwards, walk; on your toes, on your heels, etc... The bending got me. It didn't hurt. Hmmm....that 's new.
Next day I went to PT. Had a different threapist since it was a different day of the week. It was like someone had lifted a layer of brick off my right hip & she was able to get into the layer of muscle that was really giving me the problem. Hurt like heck, but at least someone else could feel the place that was pulling everything forward. (That's the best way I can describe it. It feels like my pelvic bone on the right is being pulled forward, everything else along with it.) After, I went through all my exercises, they're getting easier still. She added two more and I was still done 15 mins earlier.
I was riding high when I left that session. You know when you work out and you have tons of energy at the end. Not, go run a marathon energy, more like you are finally really awake for the day energy. The kind where you want to hit your ToDo list & knock out as much as possible before you run out. I figured it would last a hour at most & then I would crash.

I haven't crashed yet.

No, I'm not on that euphoric super-charged high anymore. That lasted about 4 hours, and when it ended it was gradual. But my energy level is still up. I'm functioning like a normal person. I can knock out something on my list, like unload the dishwasher and not have to sit down for the next hour to rest after. Yeah, that's been my life at best for the last 6-12 months. Today, (Monday,) I went so far as to write a ToDo list, cause I felt like I could do some of it.

No, I'm not pain-free yet. But I'm drug-free, and I'm only uncomfortable, and that's not all the time. I believe I'm about to be back.

I have hope again that I can be the person I want to be.
The mom & wife I want to be and my family deserves. That makes it all worth it.

Originally written 3/30/09, and then I got a killer sinus infection for the next week or so. Yes, I'm feeling better and my medicine cabinet is stocked, so I feel fairly safe in making this post. KNOCK ON WOOD!

Thank Goodness for Fish Cake!

Today was not my most stellar day as a mom. I'm sure it's one that will stick in my kids' minds, but it's one I'd probably like to forget. I got a diagnosis; sinus infection. Some antibiotics, cough meds w/codeine & I'm on the mend, I hope. Today was the day our cleaning people come. In order for them to really be able to clean, the house needs to be picked up. It wasn't. Well it wasn't this AM. This morning when I got up I found that every single room in this house looked like the contents of the drawers/shelves/cupboards had all thrown up. I was too tired to be pissed. I got Big off to school & laid down on the couch. I then worked on the house 10 mins at a time w/my timer. The state of my house was the reason for my less than stellar mom skills today. At one point I told the girls; "If this house EVER looks like this again, I'm just not coming home till it's picked up." I think what made me that maddest is that it was like, "Hey, Mom's sick, it's a free for all!" As if I wouldn't notice or care. If the cleaners weren't coming I wouldn't have picked it all up, I would've made them all do it. My girls know to put their trash in the trash can & their dirty clothes in the hamper. I don't normally have to tell them to put their dishes in the sink when they're done or to put their toys away when they move on to something else. They know. I guess that's what bugged me the most, that they do it w/out being told if I'm around.

On another note, I discovered something about myself. You know when you're not feeling well you want comforting things. I realized that my version of comfort food is Japanese. Who knew? Well, I sort of did, but it's been a while. Tonight, I went out & got myself some Udon (Japanese noodle soup) and sushi. And now, I'm sitting my quiet, clean house alone (the kids & daddy are at the neighbors having pizza, although I did drop off a spider and part of a rainbow roll to daddy.) But I suddenly feel so much more human!

Nothing a little fish cake & wasabi can't fix, right?

She Plans & God Laughs...

Ever heard that expression before? It's my life lately. Last week I wrote a post about how much better I'm feeling, how I'm seeing that light at the end of the tunnel and it's gotten really bright lately, blah, blah, blah....

Then I got sick.
Got the worst flu I've had in ages. AGES!
Was sick w/it for like 5 days, w/no one around to help me out, G'parents on vacations. Yes, I know lots of you never have anyone to help you out, you don't live near family or they're gone, etc...I get that. But you've also got a back up plan of some sort, right? I'm getting there on the back up plan, but we're still sorting it out, because most of the time I don't need it.)

After 5 days of that I was feeling better and was ready to post my "feeling better" post and then I get sick again! I jinxed myself I guess. Not sure what I have now is not the same thing that just sat for a week and has turned into a secondary infection. What I can tell you is that I feel like creamed crap again. Bah!

I'm feeling bad enough that I asked DaddySpeak to stay home from work today. That's pretty bad in my book. I hate asking for help. HATE IT!

I slept till 11 (sort of, woke a lot w/sore throat & coughing) then got in the shower thinking that might help. It did, a bit. But my body is obviously at war & I'm feeling the effects. I'm super achy. Like typing does me in. And my neck is super sensitive from holding my head up. Seriously. (Melodramatic much? But really that is how I feel.)

So, once I get well, I will list that post. I thought it'd be nice for you to hear about something beside my bitching all the time. But after that, never again. I learned my lesson. Bitchy, snarky posts only from here on out!

Who Do You Love?"

"Mommy, who do you love more?"

Big hit me with that one today. Didn't see that one coming at all. They always manage to blindside you with the big ones.

"Who are you talking about?"
"Us and Daddy? Who do you love more"
I would've thought it would've been more about the two of them, but maybe she's smart enough to know she's afraid of the possibilities of that answer. At least in this case it's apples & oranges and she knows that. Even at age 5 somewhere in her she understands it's different.

"Honey, I love you all equally in different ways."
She waits.
"Listen, I love you and your sister the way a mother loves her daughters and your father the way a wife loves her husband and G'ma & Papa the way a daughter love her parents."
"A Daughter!?"
"Yeah, remember G'ma & Papa are my mom & dad."
"And even though I love you and your sister like a mother loves a daughter the way I love you each is different too. I love you each because of who you are, so that makes it different and the same. "
She just looks at me skeptical (jeez, she's only FIVE!)
"Listen, before we had your sister, when you were our only child, I loved you so much. I just couldn't imagine being able to have enough love in my heart to be able to love another child as much as I loved you. I just couldn't. I'd never known the kind of love a parent has for a child & once I knew I couldn't imagine being able to love another child that much too."
"Really?"
"Yup. But you know what happened?"
"What?"
"When your sister was born my heart grew."
"It did?"
"Yup. That's what happens, your heart grows to be big enough for all the love for everyone you need to. Especially your kids."
"Is that true?"
"Yup. It is."

And it is.

Tweet, Tweet!!!

Um yeah, I Tweet. Who doesn't? Do you both read my blog & my twitter? I've also hooked up my FaceBook account to my twitter so I can update from my cell, cause I'm hip and down with it like the kids. And, "get that ball off my lawn you whippersnappers!" Yeah, so if you do follow my twitter or FB accounts you may have noticed some odd messages from me today.

No, I am not above humiliating myself to get help fix the situation. Stop laughing! Seriously!
Yes, I locked myself out of the house today.
Remember I said I've been sick? Well, I have and I am & I'm having trouble w/completely coherent thoughts. Yes, they do still let me watch the children, why do you ask??? So let me back track a little here (although if you do follow my twitter & FB you might want to skip the rest of this paragraph as it's review.

And now, I'm exhausted. See, this is why I haven't been posting. I'm taking a break to rest because I can (DaddySpeak just walked in the door and while I do love you Internets, I am really sick and this post is partly a distraction to try and keep me awake. Since I do really need to rest and DS is here, I'll be back.) You'll hardly miss me, trust me.

See, like I never left. :-)
That's pretty much my day every day. Only when you're here, you miss me. Or I miss you. I miss major chunks of my day still, but it's getting later & later every day so progress, right?

Anywho, the tweets....oh yes!
Here's the deal; Because I have the flu (bubonic plague) I'm a little out of it. Yesterday was much worse, I had a fever most of the day w/accompanying chills & aches along w/cement filled sinuses. Just for fun, Little decided to get up before 5 yesterday. I didn't fight it (too much) got up, got her & Big to their schools & went to Physical Therapy (PT). I felt so awful I didn't actually do any PT, just got them to work on my back a bit & headed home. So that was yesterday. It was miserable, but doable because Little was at school all day. My fever broke last night, and I did get some sleep, but I was still working from exhausted when I woke up today. AND today Little's home all day. So I make it through the morning with her, (sort of, I did do the drop off and wake w/a start thing a couple times, but the house wasn't burned down & no one poisoned themselves so overall I consider that a win). The weather's been nice & the kid wants to wear all these flip-flops that I recently unpacked from her hand-me-down bins. Most are too big so they slow her down at best, (at worst, she gets tripped, but that's fodder for another post). I'm trying to kill time w/her so cool, "Hey Little, want to walk to get Sissy and you can push your doll stroller?" Heavens opened up and angels sang, at least according to her. So I didn't bring my whole purse, I did my pocket check;

ipod, "check"
cell phone, "check"
keys, "check"
water bottle? "Opps, where's my water bottle?" "Hey, Little, wait don't open the door w/out mom!"

And we're on our way!
Guess, what I put down on the counter instead of into my pocket when grabbing my water bottle to chase after my 2YO who was leaving w/out me?
Lame, yes. But understandable considering the complete mess my head is right now.
Here's how out of it I am; I didn't know I'd done this until we literally got back to the doorstep. (And looking in to see the keys sitting on the counter.)

ARGGGGG!!!!

So yes, I checked all the doors & windows (we had a spat of break-ins going on a month or so ago, so) every thing locked up tight! Big, of course, "I really have to go to the potty!" So I call our closest neighbor & we trek on down to her house. W/in minutes her daughter & my two were in full play mode. I'm on the cell trying to reach DS, who I'm assuming is ignoring my calls because he already knows that I'm sick would like him to come home early. I have a an epiphany: If I call the road side service (RSS) & tell them I'm locked out of my car, I have a garage door opener in the car & hopefully, hopefully the door from the house to the garage isn't locked.

FORTY-FIVE MINUTES. That's how long till RSS will be at our house to help me out. And that's assuming we didn't lock the garage door. The girls have gymnastics in 45 minutes and I really need them to go. Yeah, it's expensive, so I don't want them to miss it, but more than that, I need them to get tired out from it. So now I'm on the phone calling neighbor who are in the same class trying to work out a carpool and who has car seats we can borrow, etc.... In the meantime, MD, the neighbor's house I'm at, has made lunch for the girls and is getting them situated on the patio to eat, "so they'll be ready to go". MM has worked out the carpool and found seats for me and will take my girls while I wait for RSS to show up. Do I have the most rocking friends or what?

So the tweets, why would I need to alert the world to my plight? Do I just enjoy the ridicule? Well, no, I was pretty sure that the garage door would not be unlocked. In which case, I still needed DS to make his way home, and he still didn't even know it yet. Epiphany #2! If I send a Tweet (hooked up to my FB) and indicate that I'm trying to contact him, one of his co-workers will track him down for comic value if nothing else. It worked, he called me right back! Actually, he called me before anyone even saw it. By that time, RSS had shown up, and lucky me! garage door was open! The girls and I rallied and we were off to gymnastics!

A few hours later DS walked through the door. EARLY! And here we are!
So that's why I humiliated myself today via Twitter and Facebook.

Awake...it's what's for dinner

Wow it's been 2 weeks since my last post. Well, not much new to report. I'm taking a scrapbook class & I've been sick. Woo-freaking-hoo! I know, the exciting life I lead. Between those two things, not much time left for much else. I am actually doing better. Yup, you heard me right,
"I'm doing better!"
Don't get too excited, I'm still very much two steps forward, three steps back, but at least now I'm past the point where I started at, it is progress and I guess I'm resigned to my snail's pace. Two nights in a row now I've actually made dinner and stayed awake for it. I didn't say I sat & ate dinner, I told you it's been slow. But the fact that I've actually pulled together more than chicken nuggets and set the table is a pretty big deal for me. I've had days where I've managed to put together a meal in a crockpot or in babysteps all day long, but this is more the whole putting it together the hour before we're due to eat kind of thing. You know, like normal people.
So yeah, it wasn't my intention but, you're getting a post about my ability to make dinner.
Wow, you may qualify as more pathetic than I if you're still reading this.

My First Best Friend (4) --Part 3

OMyGawd!OMyGawd!OMyGawd!

Guess who sent me a message today on Facebook. Ok, ok, I'll calm down a bit. I was just so damn sideswiped by it, you know. I mean I'm going along having a day. Little's at preschool, Big's having a playdate and her and I just got back from our dentist appointment. I hit the refresh button on my computer in passing, you know, not really expecting anything. Well, except for all those "sales" and "coupons" that seem to fill up my inbox these days...So I immediately go to the 3 FB notes; 2 are from a school friend who posted old high school photos of us, lovely. But the third! The third is a note from her! Just a quick, "Hi, your family is beautiful and Wow! Look at those scrapbook pages." (I get a lot of that from people who don't know better. ;-) But still, it's the first personal contact she's initiated in 15+ years. OK, I'm going to go practice my cleansing breaths and think about what 2 "not committal, casual sentences I can write back, w/out sounding desperate." Which is kind of pathetic isn't it? More later.

And as the pendulum swings back...

I've been avoiding blogging for a while now, I guess. Part of it is frustration & I feel like all I'm doing is two steps forward then three back. And I guess I am.

I am getting better, I really am.
It's just frustrating. I feel better, I do something and then I'm on my back again. And really that's all there is going on right now. Well, it's not all, but I'm feeling very grumpy and I don't want to be all Nancy Negative, cause I that's all I feel, so thus no posting.

So here's your Monday Update grumpiness and all:

Remember all that weight I lost last summer, without trying? Yeah, you can get over being pissed at me.
It's back (I told you it wouldn't last,) oh and it brought friends. After the surgery, well it started during the holidays cause that's around the time I really stopped moving unless absolutely necessary. And also the time I started eating again. Honestly, I never stopped eating, well crap. I never stopped eating CRAP! So by the end of my "6 weeks," that magic number by which I should've been "recovered". I'd found that I'd gained back 15 lbs of that 17 I'd lost. Did that stop me? NOoooooo . I was convinced that I would miraculously jump from my bed in any moment now because I would be "recovered" and it would just "melt off". Riiiiight. Well that and there were also these Girl Scout cookies in the freezer...God forbid I be deprived of thin mints at this my time of suffering. Yeah, I know, you get the idea.

So how's that working for me?

Um yeah, I weigh as much as I did when I left the hospital after having Little. So I'm up an additional 15 lbs. Yes, up 30 lbs from say September. BAH! So you understand the grumpiness now? The frustration? Oh, and I'm having a really hard time making myself do extra stuff (to get moving to try and start losing it) for fear of ending up on the couch again.

I'm back on my low carb thing again. I had my first carb crash tonight. It was scary. I was shaking to badly I could hardly stand. I had berries & whipped cream. And when that wasn't fast enough I ate some gummies. Good News--I'm on my way to having them out of my system. Bad News--this is the hardest part.

Potty Training 08

So yeah, it really was just potty training 08. For fear of jinxing myself here, but at this point I think I'm pretty safe (knock on wood, sign of the cross…). Little has not strayed from using the potty since January. Stinker! She's SO GOOD about it that I forget to remind her to go. The biggest annoyance about it, so far, has been that she NEEDS to check out the bathroom where ever we go. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. And as you know, if your recently trained toddler says she needs to go, you take her. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Yeah, she's figured out that she can prolong quite a few things this way, including the time out. Last week I told her she could pee herself, I didn't care (she'd hit her sister). She didn't, (pee herself) but I still have to let her check out every bathroom in Santa Clara County for now.

BIG GIRL NEWS (there really are no babies left in my house. *sigh*)

No, not news about Big (boy could this get confusing) but news about Little being a BIG GIRL. Last week her school told me she would be moving up w/the 3YOs so not to pay the extra $$ associated w/the 2YOs who aren't potty trained. AND then the next day, her gymnastics teacher informed me I should really consider moving her up to the 3YO class. "She's a great example to the rest of the group, but she's going to get bored pretty quick." Yikes! All in one week, damn kid w/her growing up....get that ball of my lawn....grumble, grumble.... I told her teacher I wanted to wait till I was able to get THE BIG ONE into her class on Wednesdays (we were waitlisted) so they'd be changing at the same time AND I wouldn't have to deal w/kids sitting around waiting for each other. Two days later the gym called to say we had a spot! Yeah!!!

So yeah, that earthquake you felt...it was just the planets aligning w/the sun, moon and earth so that my kids now have gym class at the same time! My life just got exponentially easier.

NEWS ABOUT THE BIG GIRL

So Big is pretty much cruising. We've gone through the similar growing pain type stuff from her G'parent's last visit. I knew what it was this time and while that hasn't seemed to stop it, it's taking care of itself. Same w/Little on that front. 48 hours of "testing" after G'ma J left to make sure all the same rules still applied. Big still has this awesome gap where her two top front teeth go, makes for some awesome pictures. Her hair is growing out & starting to look slightly less akward. I told her she can get it cut AFTER our Disney trip; we're getting princess hairdo's while there, damit!! Yes, I'm living vicariously through my kids. If I can't be Barbie well then they MUST be! And then I will scrapbook it, so later they can tell me how lame it was ,only to find that they have little girls who are dying to do it.

That is how this all works, right?

Speaking of cruising...Daddy's been taking her out to the school on weekends and she's started riding her bike w/out the training wheels. Still pretty wobbly, and when she was showing Mommy (w/Mommy doing the holding) she biffed big time. (Of course she got hurt once Mommy go involved.) But she's doing it, and she's motivated to do it. Which is more than half the battle right there. Little wants to do it so bad she can taste it. Big better pick it up before summer, I'm pretty sure Little will skip the whole training wheels thing. She's determined.

I have more, but it's tedium at it's finest, so I'll leave you w/this for now. More later this week, when I lose 30lbs and start running marathons....

What I've been up to...

Yeah, I can't believe it's Friday already either. I'm taking another class over at Jessica's so I've been cropping instead of blogging. Sorry Internets didn't mean to neglect you (I've been tweeting though!) Here's some eye candy so you can see what I've been up to. I really like the page; photos weren't taken by me & aren't my favs, but that's what happens when you have to hand someone else the camera cause you can't hike up the hill. On that note, I'm doing better. PT is going well and kicking my butt (which is what I mean by doing well). I'll have abs of steel in no time. Seriously...
But yes, eye candy (more to come)....

Baby Week

Hey, it's baby week! OK, maybe not. But since I posted that link about the BFing & driving chick and now I'm going to go tell you to check out Nikki's new baby girl it seemed like I might have a theme going right now.

Don't get excited, that weight gain of mine is strictly based on my chocolate & cookie consumption; remember I'm the chick who loses weight while preggers (and doesn't throw up.) Yes, you can hate me for it. I would hate me over it if I wasn't me. So while I'm busy having the thin mint baby over here, go see Nikki's new bundle, it'll make your ovaries hurt I promise. Then come read some of my past stories about Little & you'll be over it.

Extreme Breastfeeding

Ok, did you hear about the mom who was breastfeeding while driving? I am a HUGE fan of the BFing. I was blessed to be able to do this for both of my children and while I know it's not for everyone I probably would've tried just about anything to make it work for both my girls. However, even when I was a pro (baby #2) the best I could do was walk w/very small baby in sling and nurse. But that was only when the situation dictated! But really DRIVING? And talking on the phone???

Back at it!

I know, enough w/the back jokes. It's been a while so here's my status (which I know you're just dying for.)

After a BIG scare last week (leg went numb again) everything is back in working order and seems to actually be on the mend. Week before last I went into the doctor for my 6 week follow up. He made me bend, squat, roll over, sit and beg....anyway, he checked my mobility. My ankle is still w/out a reflex and I'm still a mess whenever I have an appointment like that; all that movement F's me up really bad. But more or less I'm ploding along at an expected rate. Dr. gave me a prescription for physical therapy & steroids (to move the healing along a bit more.) Last Thursday was the last day of taking steroids (and I was feeling that they really were starting to help,) I woke up w/a numb foot. Uh oh. A few hours later & the numbness was working it's way up my leg and by 11 I had no feeling in my leg left at all. After a phone call to the doctor, he set me up for a 2nd round of steroids and told me to start Physical Therapy (PT). If I still have numbness in a week, then another scan will be scheduled. The PT thought I probably was building scar tissue which was pushing on the nerve again. She worked it out for me and I haven't had any notiable numbness since. Whew!

Ultimately, I'm frustrated. It has been very slow going, or maybe it hasn't. I've had this problem for so long now (2 years) maybe the length of time this is taking is to be expected. I'm finding that I do feel better for periods of time, but then I do something (like go out to dinner w/my hubby for his b-day) and find that it was too much. The bigest problem I have is that when I'm overdoing it, my back doesn't let me know. I find out after the fact that it was too much, and spend the next day in bed. I find it really hard to stop myself from doing things if it doesn't actively hurt, especially if it's related to the girls. I feel so guilty about how much I'm saying no to them already that if I don't know it will bother me for sure I tend to do it, and pay later.

I'm also frustrated w/other things; I've gained quite a bit of weight during this down time (15 lbs) and I get really, really tired. We took the girls to the park for a couple hours today and all I did was sit and watch, but I was wiped out from it. I slept for 3 hours after. I'm tired of being tired is all. I try not to focus on the extrainious stuff (like my weight) hoping that it will take care of it's self once I'm moving again.
Hang w/me Internet. I know I'm crabby and bitchy & I'm trying to be nice, but feel free to call me on it. I just want to be me again, you know.

My First Best Friend (3) --Part 2

So it looks like there may be a new chapter in our dusty book. Well, maybe.

You see, in the last several month my old high school buddies have gotten very active on Facebook. I went to the reunion last year, and had a blast. Re-acquainted w/several old friends and now, because of Facebook we're all keeping in touch in ways we never dreamed. Don't think I haven't looked for her over the years. First on classmates, especially as we got closer to the reunion. Nothing. I more or less resigned myself that, that was it. As much as I hate to admit it, and small part of me might always hope, we probably would never be friends again. I'm sure it's for the best as far as my heart is concerned, but there will always be a part of me that hopes. There's still a small part of me that hopes some day she'll want to reconnect. I hate that. I hate feeling so vulnerable, still.

Guess who's on Facebook?

There's a bunch of meme's that have been going around our high school group. They've actually been a lot of fun, a quick way to catch up with each other on mundane things. She was linked on someone's this week. Like myself, she used her married name instead of including her maiden, so I had to check her pix to be sure, but it's her. She looks the same. She even has the same haircut from our freshman year, it is back in style. I'm on Facebook ALL. THE. TIME. because I'm still in recovery mode. I know she's had to have seen my pix linked to several of these memes. So I know, she knows I'm on. But she never sent a friend request. Do I send her one?

OMG! It's high school dating all over again!!!
After a couple days of debating I sent her a friend request, I was too curious not to. So this evening she accepted it. No message accompanying it, just hit the button and moved on. I included a quick note in my request of my maiden name (so she'd know who I was, but I hear I look the same, I happen to know I look better ;-) & the standard, "what have you been up to?" So now, I've checked out her profile & pix; married, still in the town where we went to college, 3 kids. Do I write her? Do I dare put myself out there to be ignored again? Do I still care that much?

This, my friends, is where our or I guess I should say MY current chapter lies. For all I know, she hasn't given me a second thought over the past 20 years. Jeez, I wasn't this stressed about reconnecting w/old flames, but then I don't care about them anymore. Not in the "I wish we could still be friends" sort of way. I do know this; even after 20 years, there's still a hole in my heart from her. I haven'd decided what I'm going to do yet. What do you think?

My First Best Friend (2) --part 1

I'll bet you thought it was part 1 cause I'm splitting the story up. Surprise! It's because there's a recent new chapter in this story, but we'll get to that....

If you just got here, the beginning of the story starts here.

So as I mentioned, Marie and I had been the very best of friends for over 9 years by this time. As was typical of us we joined different social groups, but still hung out together & just introduced each other to all our new friends. One of the groups Marie joined was Young Life. It's a Christian based Youth Group. We had a very large group at our high school and we were both members. I'm pretty sure I'm the one who dragged her to it to begin with, the chapter at our school was so large that we had student leaders and I was one of them. That first semester of college I was doing my best to just stay in school, so I wasn't joining anything. But like I said, I went to the parties at Marie's complex and with the small group of friends I'd made in the dorms. My room mate and I could not have been more different. At this point we were still more or less on speaking terms, but by December it was clear we would never be friends. (Another story for another time.) By the end of that semester I had become pretty good friends with one girl in particular in the dorms, Louise. At the start of second semester Louise and I had decided to rush a little sister program to one of the fraternities. We had some good guy friends in that fraternity and thought it would be fun. And we were right, it was fun. Marie wasn't interested, she was busy enough w/our friends from the complex and her Young Life group. I didn't think much of it at the time. But, it was around this time that we started to grow apart. There were two guys in the complex that we had become very good friends with, Don and Liam. Don and I were such good friends that we got our ears pierced together (I still can't believe he hasn't come out of the closet, but he swears he's not gay, just metro. Last I talked to him he was married w/a couple of kids, so who knows.) I thought Don and her were friends like this also, but later I found that they were more along the lines of "Friends w/Benefits." When things between her and Don went South is when she really started to pull away. She got a lot more involved w/her Young Life group and I understood, we'd both had serious boyfriends in high school and dealt with type of stuff before. In the past, the other had stayed friends w/the guy if they were already friends and once the "mourning period" was over it was fine. And if the other asked, we'd have dropped the guy friend in a heartbeat, but neither of us had ever asked that of each other. This time something had changed. She stopped hanging out with anyone not in the Young Life group. I would go to parties at her next door neighbors and she wouldn't, it was kind of weird. I tried going to the Young Life meetings and such, but this particular group was heavy on the religion and the judgment, and I wasn't looking for that. I was honestly surprised she liked hanging around this group, but you know to each their own. I tried going to the church w/her, but it was very New Age-y and I wasn't into that at all. (I'm Catholic Lite, I'm all about guilt and exercise during my mass. I went to one service w/her when people were getting up sharing their family's personal problems. It was group therapy w/a religious theme. Growing up Catholic it weirded me out. But my point is that I tried.) I was getting pretty involved with the little sister group I was pledging and wasn't exactly sitting on my duff waiting for her phone call either. By the end of the year it became apparent she didn't want to be friends anymore. I'd call her to do stuff; go to the mall, a party, etc...she wasn't interested. Ever. The friendship became very one-sided and pretty soon, she just stopped returning my phone calls. If we had gone to different colleges it would've been a normal progression, but we didn't. It was very hard for me to come to grips with it. I think I would've understood it, if it had happened our first semester, but we'd weathered that and our friendship had been as strong as ever. Then all the sudden, bam! Nothing. And there didn't seem to be a good reason for it. Every time we'd be on break, if I talked to anyone from our old group of high school friends, the first thing they'd ask is if I'd talked to her. They just couldn't believe after all this time that she'd dropped me too. But she had. My parents would run into hers as the years went by and she'd gotten very, very religious. She didn't really want to have much to do with anyone who wasn't part of her church, including her parents. It was so weird. It wasn't like I was anti-religion, I just wasn't into her church, that had never been an issue for us before. Somehow, this group she was with convinced her that if she was hanging w/people who weren't practicing their faith in the same way then she was going to hell with us, so she dropped us. (I know this is NOT typical of a Young Life group and was the result of individuals w/in that group at that time. I do also know that, that group of people is where this start from.) We both finished college in the same major, so yes, we did see each other for the next four years on a fairly regular basis, but you'd never know the kind of friends we'd been. We even had a lecture class together, she came in after me and chose to sit in the back somewhere else. Point taken.

During that time I took that stance that I didn't need that kind of friend anyway. She'd changed, and not for the better. I had plenty of friends on my own and didn't need to go chase her down if she wasn't interested. The truth was that I was injured beyond belief. My heart was broken and I didn't know how to fix it. No one talks about broken hearts from your best friend dropping you, only boyfriends. If you think about it, I was in a 9 year relationship and now she was indifferent. How does that happen??? I "refused to dwell on it," so I didn't really deal with it and I let it fester for years. All of my good girl friendships were measured by this one, and tempered by it. There was a part of me that didn't want to get too close to anyone again. I didn't ever want to be hurt by indifference again. And it still hurts now, after 20 years.

I've made some good friends over the years, but none like Marie. I don't think I've idealized our friendship, I just think, in some ways, we were more mature about our friendships when we were younger. The bottom line is I've never gotten over her. I've never had a best girl friend since Marie. Our 20 year reunion was last year, she didn't show and no one seemed to know where she'd ended up for sure. I didn't dwell on it too much, but several people at the reunion did bring it up. I guess I figured that was pretty much the end of it. This was the extent of closure I'm going to get from this situation. It sucks, but that's real life. If it were a Lifetime Network movie, she would've shown up at the reunion, music would've played and all the years would've melted away.

Ummm, yeah, it's not a movie, so that's that, right? Then I joined Facebook....

My First Best Friend--part 1

We were 10 years old in 5th grade when she came to our school. She had strawberry blond hair and was a little on the pudgy side; getting ready for that tween growth-spurt that was eminent for all of us. I don't remember if this was the exact day she started our school, but I do remember swinging on the monkey-bars with her at recess, and sticking up for her when some class bully was looking for her weak-link being that she was new and all. It was that recess when it became clear that we would be friends. Up until that point I had, had two good girl friends, both dictated by location more than anything else. When Marie moved in, I made my first real friend. We were friends by our choice. We didn't really live close to each other, and our folks were never what you would call "friends". In a lot of ways, your first true friend is like your first true love. We made a lot of mistakes in our friendship, but somehow we weathered them. None of them were such that I really remember any of the arguments very clearly.

During middle school our group of girlfriends grew to include 3 others and a fourth joined us in high school, and of course there were a few boys that hung with us too, but Marie and I were the best of friends within that group. We had very separate interests outside of school; she was on swim team; the result of a a doctor's prescription for bad knees and I was in dance. Instead of that pulling us apart it just included extras into our friendship. We tired to make sure we got classes together if we could, but we didn't try to influence the other's choices; she took Spanish & I took French. I went to her swim meets, she came to my dance recitals. We had, what I know now, was a very adult approach to our friendship. It was entirely based on the fact that we genuinely liked each other. No other reason then that.

I started out kindergarten w/our group of kids and knew everyone. She came in later, so when we started high school, and "shy" Marie decided she was going to run for class president, I have to admit to being a bit surprised. Our little gaggle of girls walked her around to every freshman in the class (330) and introduced her. She won. She was our class president for 3 years and was able to make everyone in our class feel included. Marie and I were even co-editors of the school newspaper together. I'm sure we drove our adviser crazy, but it was a lot of fun. Marie wasn't really all that shy. I knew that, but you had to get to know her in those early days to find that out. It was Marie who handed me my first cocktail our sophomore year of high school; 151 w/a splash of Coke for color. I'll tell you the story of that party later. The point is that we weathered all the usual friendship bumps without many issues. Our friendship was stronger than that.

All that being said, when it came time to apply for colleges no one in our group talked about where they were really applying to go to. There was some unwritten code that we would all let each other know where we were going, once we'd decided for sure. I guess we shouldn't have been all that surprised that Marie and I both applied to the same schools. We both wanted to go into journalism so it made sense. I don't think the rest of our friends really believed us about not talking about it before hand, but really we didn't. In the end, we both choose the same college. As our friendship had always gone we did decide not to room together in the dorms (meet more people this way, make more friends). Marie didn't get her form in or something and did not get a room in the dorms. Opps! She was able to get into an just off-campus apartment which operated like the dorms, pairing roommates together. It was for the best, we would know of all the fun parties on campus and off! We both moved in on the same day, a week before school started. Every day we'd lay by the pool and every night we knew where all the parties were, and we were at them. A few days before school started, I got very, very sick. It was Marie who knew me well enough to know it wasn't just too much partying and borrowed her room mate's car to get me to the hospital. I was dehydrated and went from 115 lbs to 100 lbs in 3 days (years later I would find out it was IBS from Fibromyalgia). I was sent home and missed that first week of college. I'm pretty sure my parents would've made me withdraw, except they knew Marie was there & would watch out for me. That first semester moved us along, more or less, like we always had. Missing the first week of school made it a bit harder for me to make friends, but I did. And, the kids at Marie's apartment complex were fun to hang out with anyway. It wasn't until the second semester when our relationship changed.

More later this week...

Gray like me.

I'm tired & cranky. I'm sure you're tired of hearing about it and I'm tired of talking about it. Tuesday I had my first truly pain free day since the surgery. I did stuff, but I didn't think I overdid anything. I woke up yesterday feeling just awful; two steps forward, one step back I guess. And I know I should be grateful that it's still a step forward, but somehow it just feels like I ought to feel better than I do. It doesn't help that my parents (read: mom) decided in the third week of my recovery that I was pretty much done needing help and bailed on me. Karma, being the great equalize that she is, promptly gave my mom a strained back when reaching for her purse in the car. Ha! Take that Mom! Now you know how crappy I feel. Except, I need her to feel ok and to help me with the kids. So Karma, I get it, but really dude, couldn't it have waited?

The kids have been really good, but their patience is wearing thin as well. Littlespeak is good as long as she's got someone dedicated to her. The second you have to divde your time with her, all bets are off. Yesterday we were back to multiple time outs, 3 in 30 minutes. I desperately called my parents for help and my mom put me down, "Cause it sounds like you can't handle taking care on your own kids right now." I can't, I'm not supposed to and the fact that I have been is probably a large reason as to the amount of pain I'm still having and what I'm assuming is going to be a prolonged recovery.

I'm so frustrated! Today has started out poorly. It's raining (which is good, we need rain here in CA), but mostly it's gray, like me.

A Light at the End of the Toilet

So this last week LittleSpeak has started showing interest in using the toilet. Not really just interest, but actually using it. It started w/just before bed; after bath Daddy would ask her if she wanted to go. One night she said yes, not necessarily unusual, but this time she was actually able to go. That was unusual. She's never been consistent w/it, so it's not that it hasn't happened before, but somehow this felt much more intentional. The next night she did it again. And the night after that. Hmmmm..... (No the picture doesn't relate to the story, but it's the only recent one I had & really she is pretty yummy if you ask me. ;-)

Then we started w/the mornings, when she first got up. And she was going then. Not only that, but she's been staying dry all night, something her 5YO sister doesn't even do consistently. Occasionally she was able to do it during the day too now. I mentioned it to her preschool on last Thursday & they asked if I wanted her to start pottytraining there. "Well, lets see how she does this weekend." The thing about LittleSpeak is that if she isn't on board for something like this, there's no point in putting any effort toward it till she is.

So this weekend she was game. And she was excited about it. Hey, she gets a gummy whenever she goes, what's not to be excited about? She was still having accidents so I never really committed to the underware only, (once, for a couple hours and then she wet herself and wasn't interested in it). When I got in today I packed for training, (4 outfits & underware) but I also packed for not (pull-ups/diapers). I didn't expect much, and I took her in her pull up to start. She did start out the morning using the potty though. They were game and took her right away to put on her underware.

When I picked her up tonight: NO ACCIDENTS! Not even one! I'm floored. I guess I shouldn't be, I've said all along when she decides she's ready then she'll do it and that will be that. I guess I just wasn't entirely sure I wasn't giving her too much credit. What can I say, I know my kid. Don't worry, I know we are really just on the beginning of the path of running for the bathroom & forgetting to go, etc...time to pull that diaper bag out again; gonna need to carry multiple changes of clothes & plastic bags. But I do know from past experience that this really is the beginning of the end. While many of the "baby" things they give up are bittersweet, this is one milestone no parent is sad about, trust me.

Sigh, no more babies living in my house.

Gong hei fat choi!!!

Happy Lunar New Year!

Does your family do anything to celebrate?
Sorry, did I confuse you? Yes, I'm wonder bread (White) over here. Actually, the side of the family I feel the most influence from is the beans & rice (Mexican/Spanish) but no, no Chinese in my background. I'll explain:

I grew up in a predominantly "Asian" area; Philippine, Vietnamese, Chinese & Japanese. I guess it might be more accurate to say I grew up in a very diverse area, but the Asian cultures were quite dominate in my schools. This was a big holiday growing up for us. We usually celebrated w/a traditional lion dance or dragon parade at school. But the best part was the food!!! We always had lumpia (Philippine egg rolls), pork baus (sweet bread stuffed w/sweet & sour pork) and pho (Vietnamese soup). YUM!!!

Night before last hubby took the girls to pick up Chinese take out. Big Speak comes home yakking away about the outing; "We went this store that had a waving cat in the window." (Funny, the things they note. I don't even notice those anymore.) "And then I told the lady Happy New Year in Chinese, and she started to talk to me in Chinese." I asked her if she understood her and she said no, but I wouldn't be surprised if Littlespeak did. (Those toddlers get so much from our non verbals it's like they speak all languages.) I then explained to her about Mandarin language and Cantonese and that they're both Chinese, but most likely the lady spoke to her in Mandarin. She thought that was cool, "how come we don't have two languages?" They're having a big "Chinese New Year" parade & celebration at her school on Thursday, so she's been preparing for this week. I explained to her that it's really Lunar New Year and why (the moon cycle, and not just the Chinese celebrate it. I've actually been in Korea during it. Trust me, they celebrate.) And she got really excited about that. She's super happy to go "tell" her teacher something new. Then I promised to get some Chinese food, as well as Vietnamese, Koren, and Philippine to celebrate (looks like I'll be making a trip to the Ranch 99 this week).

So again; does your family celebrate? How?
Do you celebrate some not so common (for America) holidays? How?

Look Out....the soap box is out!

I know, I never write and now that I do I'm going to pull out more politics???? OK, well since I'm still in recovery I've been watching a lot of TV. Seriously, I am bored. So part of the problem is that I've heard this same story over and over and now I'm frustrated by it. So let me get it off my chest and I'll get back to my regular bitch-fest as planned.

I'm sure you've heard that President Obama is currently in the process of trying to pass through his version of a stimulus package. A $825 billion, yes with a capital B, plan that is supposed to infuse the economy with cash; boost/create programs/infrastructure/jobs, stymie/stop the housing crunch from the homeowner perspective, etc.... Now, I am not a financial guru, and I agree that is one big hunk of money. It's debt that we will be saddling our children with if we don't make good on it. Let me be clear that giving our kids that much more debt does not sit right w/me.
BUT, (and it's a big but) I voted for this guy. I believe he (and the people he is surrounding himself with) are smart enough to know the right thing to do in this situation. I don't think I'm alone in saying that the majority of the country is supporting him right now. AND the current strategies (from this last administration) don't seem to be doing all that much to help. So, I do support this strategy. Until President Obama & his administration give me a reason not to trust their judgement I'm on board.

So here's my gripe:

There's this clip I keep seeing on TV that is driving me nuts. This clip shows House Republican leader John Boehner of Ohio basically saying that they want more tax cuts and less money going into programs and that the amount is too large....yada, yada, yada. I couldn't find the exact quote on the web, sorry, but that's the gist of it. He keeps being shown saying, "If Americans are taxed less they'll have that money in their paychecks to save, invest and spend to help boost the economy." I'm paraphrasing here, cut me some slack. I've seen him saying this so many times now that I'm pretty much at the point of throwing things at the TV and yelling at him when it come on. Yes, it's gotten that bad.

Correct me if I'm wrong, aren't a huge number of people currently unemployed???
If people don't have jobs, they aren't earning paychecks and aren't getting those tax breaks, right???
So how do those tax breaks help those people????
This is the point at which I start throwing stuff at the TV because it seems like my kindergartner would be able to put this together.
These programs are supposed to create jobs for those out of work people so then they will have a paycheck providing them with the money to then help get the economy going again.

I think that Senator Boehner missed a day in his economics class is all I'm saying...

I'll move on now.