Treading Water

I'm sorry I've neglected you interwebs. I'm treading water here. My Fibro is working on fully taking over & I'm trying to fight it. Sadly, other things suffer in my effort; like writing. I need to get on here more. I need the outlet, but we'll see how that goes. I have been cropping a lot, (taking another class over at Jessica's place,) so all my creative juices have been in PhotoShop as of late. We (the girls and I) have been battling a case of the lingering flu. It's better then the stomach flu that's also working it's way through the neighborhood, so I'm actually grateful for that. This month we've had a visit from the outlaws; MIL is still here. I'm also grateful for this because it's helped so much to have another adult around while I'm feeling like arce. I'm sure she's going to need a couple months to recoup from this visit. The girls have both started practice for softball. I volunteered to be the "team mom/manager" for Little's team. Because I've obviously lost my mind! I mistakenly thought I might be able to have influence over the practice schedule and then I could try & leverage both teams together, but no such luck. Schedules are determined by the league; practice ones too. Little loves that I'm this involved with her team and Big's team is being coached & managed by good friends (it's all her soccer team & girls scout troop,) so it's actually a good pick of things I could have chosen.
There's tons more stuff I could write about, but I'm heading to bed. Today, I got up at 7AM w/the girls. DaddySpeak & MIL came downstairs about 8:30AM. Next thing I knew, I'd fallen asleep on the couch and it was 2PM!!! I had to force myself to get up & moving. I almost felt drugged. That's how I know it's Fibro. Two night before that I was up until 5:30AM w/horrible heartburn. I couldn't stand it laying down, so I sat on the couch till it subsided, which was 5:30AM. (Yes, I took stuff for it. Nothing would touch it. Nothing, but time.) Yes, I'm totally on the low-carb (LC) diet now. I'm not messing around and throwing mini temper tantrums about how lousy I feel & how I deserve this piece of chocolate or I need my mocha to cope. I need to get my body back to where it was this time last year. Hopefully, things will improve for me in the next week and I'll have more energy to write. (Or I'm going to have to have another baby to get this all under control.) ;-)

Full Blown

I've been trying to deny to myself that my Firbromyagia symptoms have been coming back. No one wants to admit things are really bad, when they really are. You go into a mode a period of time, trying to convince yourself that you "pulled a muscle," must be coming down with something," etc...I've totally been doing this with myself. I did have the flu weekend before last. And I do have some residual pain/cramping that is associated with that. I realized that this pain I'm getting down my right leg to my knee, is the same shooting pain I usually get in my neck/shoulders. This morning when I woke up, I had a full blown Fibro episode engaged. I can no longer convince myself that this is just a phase or that will pass. The pain is widespread and memorable. It amazes me how easily you forget how bad the pain can be; until you in it.
It sucks.

A Spoonie

I've suffered from Fribromyalgia, in a documented sense, since I was 18 years old. I'm 43, so you do the math. My point is, it's a long damn time. Until 2001, I suffered not knowing what was wrong with me. If you're a person who has suffered from a chronic illness, you have an idea of what that is like. How it feels to run test after test, and then do them all again, just to get no answers. To have the doctors, your family, you friends, all look at you like you're the crazy cat lady because no one can figure out what's wrong with you. Inevitably, a medical professional will imply that maybe it's all in your head. This is often the same professional who originally agreed that there was something, indeed wrong with you, you have real symptoms after all. But upon being thwarted by his tests, rather than admit defeat, is looking for fault in you. It couldn't possibly be that maybe we just don't have the tests to determine the problem you have as of yet, could it? Once the medical profession starts to give up on you, you find that many family and friends will start dropping off. Those that do stick around will tell you things like, "Just get out of bed and decide you feel good. It will happen." and the ever popular, "Suck it up." As if you could decide to feel better. Who the hell would choose to feel like this? You get an idea of part of what I've dealt with emotionally during this process.
Yesterday, I got a Direct Message (DM) from one of my Twitter followers, "I didn't know you were a spoonie!" Um, neither did I, what the heck is a spoonie? She was shocked I wasn't aware of this website; But You Don't Look Sick? Ooooh! Now it all makes sense. I had heard of the spoons via Queen of Spain, (QofS,) but assumed they had something to do with her family, so I never really took much interest. Beside, I was trying to hold it together; between my back pain, my kids, & trying to keep my fibro in line, my sleep issues were creeping in about that time, I didn't really have the time/energy to go peruse blogs just for fun. Coincidentally, QofS posted this, a few hours after I got that tweet.
No, I don't have lupus, but like lupus many of my symptoms are hidden. I don't look sick, but I absolutely am. With all the back problems I've had in the last four years, my fibro has taken a back seat, thankfully. I seem to have been controlling it with diet to a degree, but it's been trying to sneak back up on me. When you feel better, you stop looking for resources. I suppose that's why I missed this site during my former forays looking for information/support/community. I'm excited to see it exists. I hope beyond hope that fate, God, Flying Spaghetti Monster or whatever you want to call it, isn't giving me a heads up that things are about to get really bad. I'm afraid to hope that it isn't just letting me know there's a community there if I ever need it. I really hope I don't though.

Week Two, Points Plus

I did go to my meeting today. Yeah for me! But, I gained this week. Boo! I wasn't completely shocked. I gained .6 of a pound. If I hadn't worn jeans I could've broke even or maybe even lost this week. I gauge my weight by how my clothes fit, not by a number on a scale so much. I don't even own a scale. I was talking with another member in line today, (she's lost 140+ lbs so far) and when I told her I didn't own a scale her mouth hit the ground. Once she pulled her chin back up she said, "Good for you!" I suppose so. I've always said, "It's not how much you weigh, it's how much you look like you weigh." Spoken like a true skinny girl. It is true though. My fat jeans are loose on me, once they hit the point where I'm pulling them up constantly, it's hard to tell if they are looser than before. Not so much today.
I know why I didn't loose this week. Being sick didn't help me. I didn't eat, which is bad. My body will hold onto food because it isn't sure when it's getting fed again. When I did eat, I felt entitled to have things I should stay away from because I hadn't eaten. You can see how well that worked for me. I also didn't count a stray cookie or piece of chocolate here and there. Those add up, and the scale reminded me of that. So, it's not entirely a surprise. It's good for me to get a wake up call like this, .6 isn't a big setback, this is just a reminder for me to get my act together or I'm wasting my time and money.

Yes, I've Drunk the Koolaid

I've drunk the Weight Watchers (WW) koolaid & read the bible. I can even give you all their answers on this new program. The answers are not all the much different from the old answers, just the points are different. I could teach the program if I was at my goal weight, but I'm not.

So in a conversation on Twitter with Bored Mommy, (BM) today I was was imparting my WW wisdom 140 characters at a time. Dr. Browne even told me I was giving good advice. Too bad, I have such trouble in the practice sense of practicing my wisdom. Typing it all down 140 characters at a time was probably giving me carpal tunnel or something, so I decided to actually get on here & write it all down using a keyboard.

The topic came up as BM complaining that she only lost TWO pounds in her second week on the program. She was sort of disappointed with this number, stating, "I know it's not realistic, but I'm hoping for more like 'Biggest Loser' numbers." In her post, on her blog, she indicated that the second week of a diet,

But it’s the week where I always realize the size of the mountain that I need to climb to get to the end, because no matter how great I do during week one, week two will always be a smaller number, in terms of a weight loss.

She also bought up that she "cheated" (her word, not mine) by having a scone & french fries during the week. I take issue with the word cheating, but I'll take that on in a minute. Lastly,
she wrote:

This is where the whole mental thing really comes in for me. I tell myself that I can’t do it, because I have SO MUCH WEIGHT to lose. The negative talk in my head is non-stop and really kind of pathetic. I kick myself when I’m down at every turn. I wish I only had to lose 15-20lbs so I wouldn’t feel so damned overwhelmed every time I think about it. I’m really trying to think positive, but I’m kind of a weight loss failure, if you haven’t noticed. I totally suck at it, because mentally, I just tell myself it can’t happen.

Wow, where do I start?
My original comment to her was that I couldn't believe she does a weigh in on Monday?!? As a professional dieter, (No, I don't get paid for it, but I don't get paid to be a mom either, and no one questions that title.) I know that Monday is probably the worst day to have your weekly weigh in. Why? (And you're asking why, you are probably a skinny bitch who has never dieted & I sort of hate you right now, but whatever, pass the chocolate.) It is most likely that if you're going to really go off program it will happen on a weekend. You need some recovery time. Monday weigh in, gives you no recovery time. You think I have the wrong attitude? Maybe, but I also believe in not setting myself up to fail. If I had to weigh in on Mondays I would be more likely not to go. If I don't go, then I stop doing the program. It's a slippery slope folks. I weigh in on a Wednesday. I go to meetings to weigh in too. BM is using the online program, which is good, no doubt, but there's reason why people who go to meetings are more likely to stick with it and lose faster.
There are a couple things about meetings that are really important, accountability and positive reinforcement. Going to a meeting every week give me a solid stop/start time for each week. If I need to mentally clear myself from what I feel was a bad week, I can do that at my meeting. I know what the damage was, often no where near what I think, and I can move forward. The other important thing about meetings is positive reinforcement. All of the following are things you should be hearing at every meeting:

1. It's NOT a diet, it's a lifestyle.
2. You CAN eat anything you want. You just have to decide where you want your points to go.
   
3. Sometimes, it's not about losing weight. Sometimes it's about maintaining, or not gaining more than a certain amount. (Think vacation.)

The biggest thing I think you get from going to the meetings is seeing that you are NOT alone. It CAN be done and that it just takes time. The meetings I go to are actually fun. Our leader should being doing stand up, which is awesome for us. The more fun it is, the more likely you are to go. I've noticed too, that if I'm having an emotionally bad day, and my weigh in isn't what I hoped, sometimes just hearing of others success can boost me. What can I say, I'm lemming. Another benefit to going to meetings is that we share information. We bring in food (wrappers) that we find are low in points and still yummy, and pass them around. We write the number of points on them & tell each other what stores carry those products. The leaders aren't supposed to encourage this, WW is a business and they are employees after all. But it's been a huge benefit for me to know of things my family won't turn their nose up at because they see WW on the package and assume it's "diet food." (We also have a Trader Joe's sharing our parking lot, so many of us do our grocery shopping right after the meeting.) We also share about things that are crap. Sometimes, something good suddenly changes it's portion size or whatnot, and someone will notice and make sure the rest of us are aware. Power in number people.

As to address the idea of only losing two pounds in the second week, wow, talk about an uphill battle. If you're feeling that way on week two, I find it hard to believe you're going to stick to it. We need something to make you feel good about when it comes to this topic. Listen, any weight loss program that's works won't have you losing more than half a pound to a pound a week. Yes, the first week is usually a bigger number. And if you have a very large amount to lose, then it's not unrealistic to lose more every week, a la-Biggest Loser. The truth is, you didn't gain this weight over night, you're not going to lose it over night. If you do lose it overnight, it's very likely it'll pop right back on. It's not healthy for your body to yo-yo, and quick gains or losses fall into the yo-yo category. Instead of focusing on the big number at the end, figure out your 5% number and focus on that. Once you reach that goal, focus on the next 5%. If you do it in little steps like that, it's way less intimating. It also can help with things like going on vacation. You gain a few pounds, but instead of beating yourself up, you focus on getting back to that 5% goal. Totally doable. Gives you things to celebrate too.

"Cheating"
If you truly want to lose weight and keep it off, you need to change your thinking. That's your biggest hurdle; Not losing weight, not staying away from Starbucks. Those things will benefit your weight loss, but you'll gain it back, if you don't change the way you think about yourself and your body. (I told you I've drunk the koolaid.) There is no such thing as "cheating" on WW. You can, and SHOULD eat what you want. If you don't, you'll go off of it. Once you've lost the weight, you aren't "going off" the program, are you? If you do, you'll just gain it back, you know. If you deprive yourself of the things you like, you will stop doing the program. I can tell you that without a doubt. WW gives you an extra amount of points every week so you can have those things. You have to choose how you want to do that. It may mean that you can only have your white mocha two times a week, or maybe a tall instead of a vente. (Guess you can tell where my extra points go.) It's your choice. The bottom line is that what you were doing wasn't working. What you were doing caused you to gain the weight in the first place. Or it wasn't helping you lose it, at least. When you've lost all the weight, you can't go back to what you were doing before, or you'll end up back where you started. Give yourself a chance to succeed. Allow yourself to have the things you want, it's not cheating. It's living. Just choose to be healthier too.
I have a whole deal on exercise too. But I'm going to let this sink in right now. Key take aways from this:

• Be Nice To Yourself.
• Allow Yourself The Things You Love.
• Set Yourself Up to Succeed.

Weight -The Back Story (AKA-How To Make A Short Story Long)

I know I've mentioned my weight before. Ever since this back problem started, and the shots and the steroids, blah, blah, blah... I always thought that the weight I gained would come off easily once I was able to get moving again on a regular basis. Maybe, once I get down to a certain weight that will be the case? I don't know. I have a theory right now about how your body responds to weight loss/gain.

If you're in a mode where your body is gaining weight you're more likely to gain it. If you're in a mode where your body is losing, you'll be more likely to lose.

Huh? I know, when I typed that I was like, "Well, that sounded brilliant. Jeez." What I mean is that when your body is already in the process of gaining weight or holding onto it, you're more likely to gain weight. Your body is responding to your need to make sure you have enough stockpiles of energy. Even if you're already overweight, you're body is in the mode of holding onto the supplies you put in, so it's going to keep doing that till you teach it differently. Same with losing weight. If your body is in the mode of burning it's supplies, it will continue to do so, unless you teach it differently. As I'm writing this I'm realizing it sounds very; "a body in motion will tend to stay in motion..." And I guess that's pretty close to what I'm saying. I came to this little nugget of wisdom as a result of how my body responded to the steroids I was put on to try and heal my back.
The first time my doctor put me on steroids I actually lost weight. I know that's the opposite what of what does happen to most people. I was in a lot of pain, most of the time. I wasn't moving much and I wasn't eating much. Maybe the steroids helped so that I was moving more and I just didn't realize it, but I don't think so. By the time I was done with that phase of my "healing" I'd lost 20 lbs. I looked awesome! But I felt like shit! So I never went anywhere looking that awesome. I don't think my cats fully appreciated how great I looked either, totally wasted on them. The second time I was put on oral steroids was a few weeks after my back surgery. I try to tell myself that the surgery or something about it, slowed down my metabolism, and maybe that's true. What I know for sure is that I put weight on at that point. And I put it on fast. I gained 20 lbs in 2 weeks! It took months for that 20 lbs to come off before! Two effing weeks! So unfair. I wasn't eating a bunch more, I definitely wasn't moving more, but that weight popped on like I was sucking fat 24/7. There's a visual for you. You're welcome. I told myself not to freak out, "It will come right off once I start walking everyday again." Yeah, not so much. In the process of the next year, I put on an additional 20 lbs. Yes, I was eating again, but I was moving again too. In my opinion, it should have at least been a wash. My body didn't get that memo, so now I'm 40 lbs up. In September of last year I went back to Weight Watchers to "stop the bleeding."
I'm a "lifetime member" at Weight Watchers, (WW). I joined it around the end of college. I was in great shape, working out everyday, but couldn't seem to get rid these last 10 lbs. My folks were on it, and having good success, so I joined too. It took many, many months, but I did lose that weight. I also kept it off for over 6 weeks. That's what made me a lifetime member. I've gone back at various points to lose weight that I'd gained back, but I pretty much kept it under control until pregnancy.
Pregnancy was not nice to my body, is it to anyone's? After I had Big, I had some weight to lose. (I gained 30 lbs. with her.) I breastfed and found out those "Milk Nazis" are lying liars! It did NOT take the weight off. Diet & exercise helped get it off. There were 10 lbs I gained my very first month of pregnancy that never did come off. At the time, my doctor told me she wasn't even counting them as part of my weight gain, "because I was obviously doing things to keep the weight off before I was pregnant. My body was making sure my weight was where it needed to be to take care of my baby now that I was pregnant." I informed her I was counting it when it was time to take the weight off. I was wrong. Oh, I counted it, I just never got it off. I was too busy with my baby. And during that time, I didn't care that much. I wanted to lose it, but I didn't have the bandwidth to give to the process. I was having too much fun being a mom. When I got pregnant with Little, I actually lost weight. No, I wasn't sick, my body just didn't gain. The total weight I gained that pregnancy; 10 lbs. I had a lot of weird symptoms that pregnancy; I was actually told to drink at least a cup of coffee every day, to try and help get my blood pressure up. It turned out I had low amniotic fluid. I didn't test low till the very end, but Little's umbilical cord was less then a foot long (they're usually 3-4 feet, I'm told,) which is typical with low amniotic fluid. I looked awesome during that pregnancy. When I left the hospital I did not look like a person who had just birthed a baby. So even though pregnancy did it's number on me, after two pregnancies I was actually thinner. That lasted until the back injury. And now we've come full circle.
So, I went back to WW in September. By early November I had lost 10 lbs. Woot for me! And then the holidays hit. I tried to stay focused, I really did. We had the "attack of the super lice" during Thanksgiving break and it's been uphill since then. I know I haven't blogged about the lice issue, it's because I've been dealing with the lice issue. I intend to write about it, at length. I even started writing the post, but then I had to go comb a kid's hair or something. When I get over the trauma of completely cleaning out an entire house THREE TIMES! I'm still suffering PTSD from the whole thing, so I can't talk about it much. The current standing is that we treat the girls all month as if they still have lice; special shampoos, conditioners, and detanglers, along with a brush through with the lice comb every night. No, I'm not exaggerating. The brush through is no small task, have you seen Big's hair? It's LONG. We seem to be bug free for several weeks, but we thought that before and will continue our protocol at least through January. So yeah, I started stress eating, and it was the holidays, so there was a lot of food to stress eat. Also, I had a birthday in there, and you know, cake. At some point I just said screw it, I'm not even trying anymore. I ate what I wanted. I binged. I gave up completely. When I went back the first week of the year, I'd gained it all back. So I'm starting from scratch more or less now.
Bored Mommy posted about her first week on WW. I read it, and commented. I'm a freaking pro at this deal, I just have to practice what I preach. I decided I'm inspired to blog this part of my life too. So I will be adding that little tidbit to my other postings as well. Now that you have the backstory....

Suffering from Bouncy Brain

Today I'm in a really weird mood. I've been wanting to write, but have been really busy & not able to stop to get the words typed. (Course, I could cut into my Twitter time & maybe make a post happen, but that's an awful lot of effort on my part.) Today, I'm sick. We were suppose to be in Tahoe this weekend w/my bro's family & my 'rents, but yesterday Big & I came down w/a fever. Hers seems better today. Mine is decidedly worse. I woke up multiple times last night covered in sweat. My guess is that I was running a fever and it broke (several times). That or I just got grossed out by myself, even in my sleep. (It could happen.) This morning my temp is still high. You can tell by touch. Also, by the fact that any time I move, I get aches in the muscles I use (yes, my fingers are achy in the typing of this. That's dedication folks!) and I get the chills within a few minutes. The net result of this is I can lie in bed & type w/out feeling too bad. As long as I take a break every few minutes. My brain, however, is going a million miles a minute. Having been forced into rest, my brain has caught up and passed my physical self. It's longing for things to do, to be distracted by. Facebook and Twitter aren't cutting it. Perhaps, because everyone else in the world is OUTSIDE in the beautiful sunshine we are having for the first time this year. Perhaps.

I've got weird things running through my brain today. Maybe I dreamed about them? Not sure. I write a few sentences & then go read Twitter or Facebook. My reason for this blog post has changed 12 times already. At this point, I'm pretty sure what I should write is that I'm feeling a bit ADD & manic today. Just my brain, my physical self is shaky, dizzy, weak and feverish, if I move around too much. But mentally: manic, very, very manic. It's actually very much how my life has felt in general lately only more on the down side. I'm tired all the time. Right now, I feel like I have a ton of energy, I just can't use it. I suspect I've lost most of you by now. I'm pretty sure my writing is a bouncy as my brain is feeling right now. If I haven't lost you, you should really consider seeing a shrink or something. I hear they have drugs for that.
I think what's going to happen is that I'm going to write several posts that are bouncing around in my head and I'll actually post them over the next couple weeks. There's your warning. None of the things I'm thinking seem to be connected in any way, shape or form. Putting them out today or over a period of weeks probably won't make them make sense either, but maybe. Perhaps, the take away from all of this is, I need to go see my doctor. Or I need to get well enough to go hang outside & enjoy some vitamin D.

cake -Blast from the past.

cake
Originally uploaded by Jill McElroy

OMG! I found this going through an old file. I didn't even remember this photo. But those EYES! How could I have forgotten it? (She still eats like this BTW.)

Honest to a Fault

While I admitted in my last post, I was having a tantrum & being a spoiled brat, it doesn't make me feel any better about it when I read it. The problem is that I need to write on a regular basis to prevent my little meltdowns. I haven't been doing that and the result, she wasn't pretty.

What happend was that during Thanksgiving I was outed. Not in a, "my mom friended me on Facebook" way. (She did that a long time ago.) More in a, "someone read my Twitter stream history and then reported one of my meltdowns to the poor victim with whom I was laying blame," kind of way. That person, (the victim,) apologized to me for what happened. It doesn't really matter what it was, because 1) it wasn't really something that was a big deal and 2) it isn't that important to this conversation. What does matter is that I looked and felt like numero uno assh***. The person who read the message had taken a 140 character moment of frustration and now turned it into so much more. While what I wrote might have been true, it wasn't something I would've said to the other person, as it would have served no purpose other than to be hurtful. In having it said to that person after the fact, I'm sure that person's feelings were quite hurt. At the time, I wasn't even sure what they were talking about, that's how quick of a vent that stupid message was. And, to be honest, I was just as pissed at myself as the other person, thus the venting. I'm actually annoyed with the person who found it and told them. Maybe that's me still being an ass, but if they had thought about it they would have realized that repeating it to them was nothing but mean. If they had issue with me, then the reader should have come to me and said something.

Given the circumstances would I have written that again? At first I would have told you, "No." I have felt awful that I hurt that person's feelings. It was me spouting off to my friends. It wasn't meant to be repeated. I'm sure we've all done that, and quite a few of us have been caught from time to time. I feel like the person who repeated it was somewhat mean spirited in doing so. Yes, I said it, and I will own that I said it. But, when it was repeated, it was taken out of context which made it come across as much bigger deal. That being said, I've been a bit torn about my writing, and how it affects those around me. My reaction has been to stay away because I didn't want to hurt anyone else. In hindsight, I think that was a mistake.

I started writing this blog for me. It's supposed to be a record of who I am in these days when my children are small. This is in hope that it will give them some insight into decisions I've made during this time. It's also a place for me to air my grievances, (vent my frustrations,) when I need to. I need to have a forum like this to keep me sane. This last month, ending with the accumulation of my meltdown is a prime example of why I need to write. So, while I agree with you if you find me a bit of a spoiled brat, it doesn't matter. This brat needs to be a brat on here, so I can carry on in the real world.

Over Done, Merry Effing X-mas

I'm over done.
I'm sort of in the middle of a tantrum of my own, I guess, but I've been bottling up all these feelings for some time now (why I haven't written) and now they've accumulated till there's no more room for them.
I'm feeling overwhelmed as we're dealing with the third round of lice in the girls. I literally spent my entire day yesterday and today, treating the girls & brushing them out. I haven't even done the whole wipe down, clean out the whole house thing because I just can't wrap my head around it. But it's hanging over my head that I need to do it, or I will be dealing with round #4 of this, at which point I'm considering fire bombing the damn house.

Yesterday, we did Christmas gifts w/my family. The girls were thrilled, as they received what they were hoping Santa would bring, (American Girl dolls,) but from my parents. Honestly, that's really all I care about, that they're happy. But, I'd be lying if I didn't admit I was left feeling like a major afterthought. For some reason, my mom decided that I would like what my SIL wanted for Christmas. So, pretty much, she gave me duplicates to what she bought my SIL. My SIL & I don't buy for each other, so haven't seen her list. I'm assuming that she wanted the things we were given. Maybe she's thinking the same thing as me. What I do know, is that of the presents I received, 3 were things I already had, and 1 was something I won't use. I don't want to sound ungrateful, and I know that's how this is sounding, it's just another straw added to my stress level, and the camel's back broke ages ago. It just made me feel like crap. Several years ago my family created electronic lists, so there was no question as to what people wanted for birthdays & Christmas. I updated my list, but no one seems to have actually looked at it. OK, that's not true, I did get a bathrobe (from my parents,) I wanted for my birthday. But otherwise, no. My husband got me a outdoor light for my birthday, no, I did NOT ask for it. I mentioned this summer when we had the house painted, that now we needed a new light & mailbox for the porch. I did not put it on any personal lists. I did not consider it something that I would've give to my husband as a gift, as it's something for the house, not the person. Now, my folks have joined the foray with their effort at Christmas, and it just made me feel like crap.
Yes, I'm totally having a pity party. Yes, I'm being a baby & throwing a tantrum of sorts. I get it, I need to put on my big girl panties and move on. It's just been a nonstop barrage of Fibro symptoms, and fire drills (read: lice infestation) and I'm feeling very over worked, overwhelmed and under appreciated. I know much of this is an emotional reaction to the lack of sleep & pain I'm dealing with, but it doesn't make me want to cry any less just because I know the rational side of what's wrong with me.
Tonight, when DaddySpeak got home early from work, I suggested we get Subway & go see the lights in the park in Los Gatos. Yes, it will be a long line, but we're free tonight & the girls would like it. He said no. He said it was because sitting in the car like that is bad for my back, but I know the real truth is that he hates being in the car like that. He can say what he wants, but that's the truth and he knows it. I was in the middle of my FOUR HOUR hair routine w/the girls at the time, so him coming in and telling me I'm doing it wrong didn't improve my mood so much either. I told him to knock himself out & finish, so he did. When done, he wanted to know what was up for dinner. I told him I had put forth my suggestion & been shot down, so he could do it. I did suggest some food I had in the kitchen, but the girls wanted pizza and worked him over. I'm supposed to be getting on my low carb diet which, is sort of a joke, (I've been stress eating so much chocolate, I'm pretty sure I've gained all the weight back I just lost,) but I opted out. So they went out to dinner. I'm sure they were probably relieved to get away from me. I'm such a freaking bitch right now, I wouldn't want to be around me either.
So I'm going to go frolic with all the last min shoppers & see if I can't get my ass run over in a mall parking lot or something, because, clearly I hate myself. (Why else would one go shopping tonight?) I have a couple last minute things I need to get for the girls and him. Not deal breakers, but things I haven't been able to get because of sick kids, sick me, and now school's out.

Zooming

My brain is racing right now. Spinning doesn't begin to cover how I'm feeling. Gawd, I can't wrap my head around this, even though I've discussed with w/DaddySpeak (DS) and already know the answer. Well, basically know the answer. SEE! That's the problem. For some reason, my brain seems to think there's more to this than what I already know. I think it's my heart, screwing w/my head.

You're probably going to laugh at me. Or call me names. Imply I'm living through my kid. But I'm not. I even asked DS if he thought I was and he at least had to courtesy to lie if he thought I was doing that.

Part of it is that options presented themselves. Options I had no idea existed. Things I thought were off the table completely, so the decision was really made for us. This week, I found out some of those options exist for her and now my head is ZOOMING!

You know Big plays soccer. She's actually turned out to be a good player. She's on a good team. If you remember, I was really nervous about her being on this team because they're so good. Neither DS or I were particularly good at "team" sports. We weren't awful, but neither of us were first choice when teams got picked is what I'm saying. (Actually, that's not entirely true. I was a RAWKN kickball pitcher & always picked first or second for that game. That means my "sports career" pretty much peaked in 5th grade.) So anywho, this season their team went undefeated. Woot! Last season we came in second. Pretty much it's Big's team and this one other one, Team M that are the best teams in our league. Both are basically teams from Big's school.

Next year/season is when the girls are old enough to try out for "comp" (competitive) soccer. Big's good, but she not one of the team's stars. I would say the biggest issue she has is that she needs to be more aggressive, kind of a big issue for a competitive league. We are also aware of the horror stories about comp soccer; parents & coaches that are all about their child scoring goals/wins, traveling up and down the state for games, high-costs, etc.... Basically I'm saying that comp soccer isn't really on our radar screen. So....the coach's daughter is going to try out for comp for this Spring. She will make it, so our team is out a coach. Really, about half the team seems to plan to try out for comp. We haven't really been sure what will happen next year w/the team. Big wants to play softball for Spring and that's fine. Well it was fine. I've been saying all along, "It's too bad there isn't some way we can't take the whole team comp together." (Comp tryouts place you on a team based on that teams need & your players abilities.) A couple days ago, I got an email indicating that the team going comp together has become a possibility. We would all still have to try out, but it would be a new team and the foundation would consist primarily of players from our team and the other really good team from our league. Our current coach would be one of the coaches on this team. That news, in of itself would not have warranted much thought, except for this second thing: Big has been scouted. I know!!!! Who would've thunk???!!! Did you know they even scouted kids as young as SEVEN??? Well they do. When I first got the the email related to this news I assumed it was a form letter sent to the whole team. I figured our team & maybe a few of the other top teams in our league all probably got them. Well, I thought wrong. In a conversation w/the coach's wife (she's going to coach a softball team this season,) I mentioned the letter. We discussing scheduling and such. She asked me to clarify the letter, which I did. She informed me that only 6 girls from the team received this letter. WhatyoutalkingboutWillis? No, this does not at all indicate that Big would be picked to play on a comp team. No, this is not the comp team or league her current coach would be coaching. But just the fact that Mah Kid Haz Skillzz is blowing me out of the water. Look, it's not like I don't think my kid is a good player, because I do. I totally do! I just assumed that my view is a little skewed, being that she is my kid and all. This letter told me, no it wasn't just me. She may or may not be a great player and no she isn't the team "star", but she does has something that someone who knows about these things noticed. That is no small thing.
Why is my head spinning about this then? Well, Big wants to play softball this spring. She has made that very clear. Tryouts for this comp soccer team are yearly in Dec. I feel like she has her best chance to make the team if she gets in on the ground floor. Now. I know a lot of what she likes about playing is related to her team; the girls and the coaches. Most of her friends and coaches are going to be doing this comp team and will most likely be able to stay together. I think if she doesn't do this now, in a year or sooner, she will be disappointed. With a different coach I'm not sure she'll continue to develop as well. I'm just so torn. I wonder if I should push a little to see if I can get her to try out, see how she likes it. She can always quit later, right? But at the same time, I don't want to be the mom who is pushing too hard.

I just feel like she's got a really unique opportunity here. I think this opportunity will probably not be there for her if she let's it pass her by right now. But I don't know how to convey that to her. It's her decision, I just don't know how to explain all the cards that are in her hand. THAT is why my head is spinning.
_____________________
No, I have not, nor will I be informing her about the scout letter. I want her to play because she wants to. I just really want her to want this I guess.

How I know I'm done having kids

NSFSBV
Not Safe For Sue Bob Viewing

Two weeks ago a good friend asked if we'd watch her almost 3yo twins for the day. They were going away for 4 days & she had the rest of the time covered, but needed someone to watch them the first day, all day. I said, "No problem" The twins, especially Girl Twin, adores Big & Little. We play with them more or less once a week, so they know us well. Also, when I've been in a crunch, their mom has watched Little for me, more times than I probably know, so I owe her, if nothing else.

The twins have started pre-school and are more or less potty trained. (I know, they aren't even three yet!) She gave us the heads up on the potty situation (Girl had gone, Boy had not, neither had pooped yet.) Kids started playing & everything was more or less fine. After about an hour, I remembered that they should probably try to go. At the mere mention of the word bathroom (or anything remotely related to it,) Girl Twin would curl into the fetal position and start crying. She wouldn't say anything. She'd just lay down in a fetal position and cry. Um, yeah. "Okay, you let us know when you need to go honey." Boy twin said he didn't have to go yet. "Well then, let's all go play outside!" About 10 min later Boy twin decides he has to go. So DaddySpeak and I both escort him to the bathroom. I'm suddenly stymied. Does he stand up or sit down? I look at DS, "How would I know?"
"I don't know, you're a guy, you have more experience with this than me, what do you think?"
He looks at me blankly.
I make the executive call and determine, he's "just" potty trained, he's not even three, so he MUST sit down. Right? Right? (He's not tall enough to pee standing up, right?) I plop him on the toilet seat, (of course, we don't have a smaller seat that goes over it, or a potty chair anymore, that would be too easy). I "tuck his junk" and sort of step back. I don't really step back, so much as straiten up. You know, big seat, small bum, could be pretty traumatic if he fell in, so I wanted to be there to grab him, just in case. Next thing I know, he's pulled it out and is peeing. Not in the toilet. Noooooo. He's peeing all over the wall across from the toilet. "But how?" you ask, since I was standing in front of him. Well, luckily I had my legs spread apart, so yes, he was peeing on the wall, shooting it between! my! legs! (Dude, I can't make this shit up!) Just to complete the visual for you, Boy twin, he was laughing while he was doing it too. I yelp, but can't move, because I'll get peed on. I look to the door where DS was standing and HE'S GONE! I yell for him, because I don't know what to do at this point. In the meantime, Boy twin is going, going, going... (and laughing, laughing, laughing,) remember he'd been holding it for a couple hours before this. DS shows up and is yelling and laughing. Pee's running down the wall, all over the floor (THANK BABY JEBUS I had on shoes for a change!) and it's running down the heating vent on the floor next to me. Special, I know. So, not a drop in the toilet, not a drop on Boy twin, but all over bathroom wall and floor. DS got the wet vac and went to town after. Luckily, we hadn't cleaned out the vents yet from summer (heater's been turned off). There was a thin layer of lint & pet hair that "caught" most of what went in the vent. So, no, the bathroom did NOT smell of nastiness when the heater did get turned on.

Twins 1 - Speaks 0

After we finished that adventure, I had some errands I had to run. DS said they would all be fine. All the kids were playing in the backyard. We'd tried to get Girl twin to use the potty again with similar results. Yes, we did try to get Big & Little Speak to coax her, she wasn't having it. Fetal position, ground & tears. While I was gone, DS noticed Girl twin suddenly beeline for the corner of the yard. He realized she couldn't hold it any longer, but she was too fast for him. When he got to her she had already peed herself. When I came home, both of the twins were on their second set of clothes, and it wasn't even lunch time yet.

Twins 2 - Speaks 0

It was around this time, I realized, I am done having kids. I love babies. I mean I LOVE babies. I want another baby. When I smell new baby smell my ovaries ache. I mean it, they ache. I swear I spontaneously ovulate right then and there. But I do NOT and can NOT handle a toddler again. No way. It'll be the death of me I'm sure.

Fibro

I try to tell myself I'm just overdoing it. I'm run down from being sick. I'm getting sick. Aunt Flo's about to visit. I can think of TONS of reasons why I feel so run down, tired, achy, headachey, etc... My reality is that my Fibro seems to be coming out of remission. I don't want to admit that. The idea of it, is depressing on it's own. There have been lots of hints, some little (trouble sleeping,) some big, (migraines). When you look at all of it, it adds up to Fibro. I went to the doctor this week for my migraines. He was very excited because he has this "wonder drug" for me. "I'm going to kick myself for not coming for help sooner." I hope he's right. But when he found out I have Fibro, and that this might be linked he had lots of questions. Good questions. It's almost weird, the turn around from, even just a few years ago, when doctors looked at you suspiciously if you told them you had Fibro. He knew a lot about symptoms, and what to ask. He believed the migraines are linked to my hormones and my Fibro, but thinks this "wonder drug" will really help. Incidentally, while I was there, I got a migraine. So I got to try this "wonder drug" right away. It did seem to help, not exactly the way he said it would, but I'm headache free 24 hours later, so we'll see.

He was also very concerned about my sleep issues. Oh did I neglet to mention those? Yeah, my body is suddenly on the swing shift. Seriously, it's like someone has fliped a switch and I can't turn off after around 9-10 at night. Suddenly, it's 3 AM and I'm still NOT TIRED! I almost feel bipolar about it, I'm so awake. But, you know, kids have to get up at 7, so I'm shot when I have to get up with them. The sleep I am getting has been tense. I wake up w/a sore face/jaw/head from clenching my jaw all night. I'm also getting next to no REM, which is the typical sleep pattern for people with Fibro. He gave me a low-dose anti-depressant to help with my sleep. It's something I've been on before, so hopefully it will be helpful this time as well.

I'm depressed. I'm tired. I have a lot of medical symptoms going on. But I don't want to whine, so that's why I haven't written about it. Alright, to be honest, if I wrote about it, it made it real. I don't want it back. I want the nice, normal, active life I've started to have these last few months. But I do realize I need to ask for help and try to stop this before it gets out of hand. Now that I have kids, I don't have luxury of letting it get the best of me. I just don't.

Wordless Wednesday - Halloween Edition

I know I've been MIA. I'll write more about it later. It's because of Fibro, so it's a downer, not to mention that Fibro makes me down, so I'm a party. Woo! Anywho, as usual, can't keep my mouth shut on a Wordless post. I'm nothing, if not consistent. Providing some eye candy is better than listening to me complain, no?

My Bully Story

After the last week w/everyone talking about bullying I'm finally jumping on the bandwagon. So yeah, the topic has totally jumped the shark. I would've written this when everyone else was, but I've been sick, so I've been sending out emails w/links to really good posts I've seen on the topic instead. The ultimate retweet. ;-) Tonight I'm lying in bed, but can't really sleep yet, so what the heck, it's on my mind.
My oldest daughter's school has a strict "no bullying" policy. They have parents sign up to oversee it, come into the classroom & read books, talk about it. I'm pretty sure the kids all sign "contracts" agreeing not to do it, blah, blah, blah... Let's face it, kids don't always know what bullying is, you know it, when it happening to you, but a lot of the time it's much more subtle then what used to go on when we were kids.
When I was in 7th or 8th grade I was bullied. It probably wasn't the first time. It was the only time that I was truly scared. The girl was in my grade & I have no idea why I was picked, but she suddenly hated my guts and was going to "kick my ass". This girl was at least twice my size. She was easily 5' 8" & looked more like a 25yo than a 13yo. I was about 5'5" and not sure I weighed 100lbs soaking wet. She picked on me for several days with it accumulating to her "calling me out". See we had a "no tolerance policy" for bullying in my middle school also. The kids got around it, but planning their fights for after school. I didn't feel I could back down to her. I don't recall that I particularly stood up to her either. I've never really been known for my shyness when it comes to my mouth & sarcasm, (I know, you're shocked). I'm sure I had some quick responses to help her come to her decision to "kick my ass". I didn't tell any adults. What the heck were they going to do? If I did, my mom would make her drive me to and from school and that would fuel the fire, and make me feel like the loser this girl was telling me I was. No, I stood my ground & told her I'd meet her after school to get my ass kicked as planned. I don't think that's exactly what I said, but that's sure how I felt. I remember it quite clearly, even now. I was lucky. I had a group of really good friends. They were quite concerned for my life. Most likely they were afraid I'd ask one of them to be my second, and my adversary's BFF was built like her, so I'm sure my friends were not looking forward to that. Someone told. Probably one of my friends. I got pulled out of 3rd period by the Vice Principal. (Yeah, I still remember what period of school it was, guess it all made an impression.) I was shocked to be honest. She told me what she knew, which was pretty much what was going on. I remember her asking me why I didn't tell. "How do you think that would've improved my situation?" It was middle school, the VP wasn't new, she knew exactly what I meant and she didn't have a different or better answer for me. In the end, parents were called in, then we (my bully and I) were called in, together. The VP "mediated" how we were to interact from here on out and as far as I know that's as far as it went. This girl was not new to getting in trouble, but that was pretty much the end of it. As an adult I suspect her mother had been told that her kid would be expelled if it continued, or something along those lines. I really don't know. I just know she more or less left me alone after that.
Do you know what I learned from that experience? Nothing.
No one came along and said here's a better way to deal with this. Adults understood why I felt I couldn't tell, but also couldn't give me a different or better way to deal with this situation. Back in the day, it wasn't considered inappropriate to tell your kid to stick up for themselves and/or teach them to fight. Now, it is. So the only real answer we have for our kids is for them to tell. In some ways I suppose that's good. No one expects you to fight back. At least, not the sane people; the adults.

My daughter told me of an incident that had her in tears recently. A boy had pushed and hit one of her friends in the back during recess. When she first told me, she was so upset, I thought it must have happened to her. When I did get the full story out of her, I learned it had happened several days before. I asked her how they responded, and they did tell an adult, but apparently it isn't the first or last time this kid has done this type of thing. The girls involved did not feel that this child was reprimanded over this incident. I was torn as to how much weight to give the subject. I basically told her she, and her friends need to stick up for each other and tell an adult. I also (failed miserably I'm afraid,) told her that boys will do stuff like that when they like you and to basically get used to it. (While that may be true, it was the part that made me not want to give it too much weight, and it's the part I failed at most.) I really didn't like the answer I gave her and the whole thing was stuck in my head for a while. Then I realized it was because what happened was a form of bullying. That's why she was so upset, and why my answer sucked so much. Since this time, this boy has been suspended once this year for hitting. I happen to know the kid, and he has bigger issues than being a potential bully. I also, don't think he realizes the intimidation his actions bring. I really don't, but like I said, this particular kid, much bigger issues. I did talk to Big about it some more after that. We talked about intimidation, and how that's how that boy made her and her friends feel when he did that. We talked about what that felt like, that "icky, ball in the pit of your stomach" feeling. Words like intimidation and bully, don't really have weight w/her yet. But when I asked her to describe the feeling, she knew it. She knows, no one should be allowed to make her feel that way. We talked about give people power and how not to do that. It's obviously a conversation we need to continue. She's seven, it's heavy. You know it, when you feel it, but it you haven't, sometimes it's too much to comprehend. I also told her I felt the yard duty and myself had not handled it as well as we could have and why. I told her in the future, I would be better prepared to help her if the adults who were there didn't deal with it the way it ought to be dealt with, like this time. If the school has a no tolerance policy, then something should have happened with the kid at that time. Other kids need to feel that their word means something or they'll continue to be silent.

I feel better about it now. This all happened before the rash of gay suicides. Now that it's a headline topic, it seemed appropriate to bring it up.

Reality is that there are NO good answers when it comes to bullying. But an open dialog, and explaining things in terms kids can understand are a good step in the right direction. Understanding that part of bullying is giving someone power to make you feel a certain way. A way that isn't good. That no one has the right to make you feel that way. THAT is what we need our kids to understand. THAT is what we want them to tell us. Silence is what those bullies are counting on.

FYI--My bully. She sent me a friend request on Facebook not all that long ago. Yeah, um, not. We might be past it, but that doesn't mean I want to hang out with you, even 30 years later.

Not Depressed. Not All That Happy Either.

Our network was down for a week. I know a week! I'm not sure how I survived it either. That, coupled with some other issues I'm having, are the reason I haven't posted in longer than usual. During that week, I had lots of things to post about, of course. Now I can't remember what they were.

I'm having a hard time lately. I'm exhausted. Fatigued. Wiped. All of the above. I'm having migraines, bad ones, every other day. By 3 PM I'm shot. It's all I can do to keep the kids alive till DaddySpeak gets home. Yes, my back is finally better and now this. I wonder to myself if I'm being a hypochondriac, even to myself. Could I be imagining these symptoms? Do I need to have some kind of medical drama, about me, all the time? But in the back of my mind I know exactly what is going on with me. I haven't wanted to write it. Writing it, makes is seem real. It means I have to start to fight it, and I'm so very tired. I don't want to fight, I want to curl up and go to sleep.
I'm pretty sure it's the Fibro showing it's ugly head. I'm having back/neck pain, (not my disc in my lower back. This is up in my shoulder area). I'm not sleeping well, (no REM sleep). I'm having focus issues, (Fibro Fog). I'm tired all the time, (CFS). The laundry list of symptoms has started. Why? Why now? I think it's because I'm not on the low-carb diet anymore. Seriously. No, I wasn't being great about it, but I still wasn't really eating breads, pasta or rice. I was eating way less carbs than I think I realized. I started Weight Watchers about 6 weeks ago. I've lost 10 lbs., I've done WW before and had good success. The problem is that I'm eating rice & pasta again. The last 4 weeks have seen my symptoms getting worse. I got my doctor to run blood tests. I was sure it was hormones, it's not. It's been years since I've experienced symptoms. Like a pouting two-year-old, I'm stomping my feet and having a tantrum. I don't want this. I just want to have time and energy to enjoy my family. My girls don't even know who I am, what I can do. They've just started to get a glimpse of me. I feel like I've already missed so much. Dramatic much? Yeah, I know. Hopefully, getting back on the low-carb diet will stop it again. I have to be honest, I'm not really looking forward to it. I like my daily mocha. I miss pasta & chocolate. Not as much as I like feeling well, but I still feel a sense of loss over it. Hopefully, that's what this is about, but it's still frustrating. It's scary. What if the diet doesn't help?
My mom asked me today if I'm depressed. I've been wondering if I am, but I don't think so. Depression would take energy, that I just don't have, at all.

Sunday

Here's an example of why I don't seem to have time to blog.
Today I got up at 7, got Big ready & off to CCD (Sunday school) at 8:30. Came home, clean up kitchen, switched laundry and went back to get Big. Took both girls to Starbucks on way home. DaddySpeak was up when we got back, now 10. Decided I was tired and went and laid down for a bit. Woke up at noon. No one was home, and was still tired so laid on couch while I read emails on my phone. Family came back from grocery store and started making pies. I FELL BACK ASLEEP for two more hours!

Either I'm coming down with something or I'm a complete sloth! No wonder I can't sleep at night half the time, nor can I get anything done during the day!

Lying Around

Mir, being the awesome writer she is, got me thinking about the subject of lying. We've been dealing with it in the House O'Speak recently. Gasp, I know, my preshus babahs lied??? and I'm curious to hear what your suggestions/opinions are on how to handle this situation. I don't think I'm handling it as well as I need to, in order to avoid it becoming the norm in the future.

BigSpeak, has always been “the sweet one” and LittleSpeak is my "spirited child.” This affects how I approach them on this subject. Maybe it shouldn't, and maybe some of it has to do with age, but either way, the subject is not equal in this house. It doesn't pan out the way you might think. In fact, the way Little is dealt with, is more how you might think I would deal with the seven year old, not the four year old. It's been personality based, which is right in some ways, but I still think I'm lacking in a huge way on this one.

Little lies almost constantly. Seriously, it happens so often, it’s like it’s imprinted into her DNA. It’s almost like she doesn’t know how NOT to do it. She’s 4, so I know (at least I believe I know), whenever she does lie to me. But, think about this, by the time it starts to really matter, she’ll have had a TON of practice & probably be pretty good at it. Yeah, I'm pretty much screwed w/her.

Big has been caught in 2 lies recently. Both were things that I thought her sister had done, but turns out she had done. Initially they were “errors of omission” while her sister was getting interrogated & accused. I'm sure she mostly stood by out of fear and self-preservation, considering how much trouble her sister seemed to be about to get in. When I was satisfied her sister hadn’t done it & turned to her, she lied to my face, for like 2 seconds & then told the truth.
I find it hard how to handle the whole she finally told the truth part. I don’t want to over punish her and therefore end up with more lying in the future. But she did make the infraction AND then was going to allow someone else to take the punishment. How do I punish, but somehow show that it was "less of a punishment" than she would've gotten otherwise?

Here's where my question comes from; My mom always told us, "You'll get in more trouble for lying, then you will for the actual act." That might be true, but how do I know that? If I don't lie about it, you're just pissed about whatever it was that I did/didn't do. General punishment prevails. If I lie & then, when put on the spot, tell the truth, haven't I just been taught to "play the odds" and if they don't pan out, go for the plea bargain? Doesn't that imply the "plea bargain" will net a lesser punishment? I have no doubt my kids are smart enough to think it through to this point. I did after all. Obviously, my mom didn't give me a good example of how to do this well. Are you getting that I was a bit like Little? Quit laughing, I know payback is a bitch.

Any suggestions? Please?? It's for the safety of the world, really.

Wordless Wednesday-First Day of School, Thursday Edition

And because it's me it's not completely wordless. I can't help it. I just can't keep my mouth shut.

Anywho, BigSpeak started school a couple weeks ago & LittleSpeak started on Wednesday (yesterday).

Big is in Second Grade. Yes, I know, we're screwed. She freaking looks 17, not 7! Gah!
















And this is LittleSpeak. She started Jr. K today. She's a little excited. Ya think? There's no living with her now. She's certain she is all grown up and wants the car keys. (You think I'm joking don't you?)

Great Intentions...

I have this great intention of writing more. And if you know me, you know what that means...

Yeah, so I haven't been around for a while.

One thing I figured out this summer is why my back was taking so long to heal.

MY COMPUTER!!! Who Knew???

It seriously did not occur to me that the computer was contributing because I have a laptop. I work on my computer while sitting, or lying on the couch. I move around. A lot. I didn't think it was contributing because of the way I used it. Now that I know that, I'm trying to limit my time on the laptop.
Ummm, yeah, that's like asking a crack addict to scale back to once a week or something.

Since I have no self-control I'm not getting on my laptop as much. Don't get on, don't stay on too long. I check my email, tweet and Facebook on my phone. I get on my laptop for 15 mins to answer the emails I can't answer on my phone. I intend to do more, like blog, but I usually can't finish what I get on there for in the first place in 15 mins.

So that's where I've been. Or where I haven't been.
I'm here, but I'm limited in what I can do on the computer. When I don't limit myself, I can tell. It sucks. I'm trying to get on here more. And, hey, if you have any suggestions on how I can figure out a way to be able to here more, I'm listening...