The Day I Accomplished Nothing, and Everything At The Same Time (How's that for cryptic?)

Well, I accomplished nothing today.  That's not exactly true.  I did NOT accomplish what I set out to do today.  It's been hotter than all get out here, so I had planned to work in the classroom, then get my butt moving & hit Costco, walk the dog, (Millie; working to resocialize her,) to the dog park, & make dinner, all before it got too hot.  NONE of THAT, happened.  Ok, working in class happened.  It's the last week of school.  The other parent who works on Monday's w/me figured the teacher didn't need us, so he didn't show.  I still wanted to bring the teacher her Monday Sbux, so I went in, you know, just in case.  Holy Crap! Did she had LOTS for us to do?!  Instead of getting out in an hour, it took 3! It was 11:30 before I left.  Walking off campus, I checked FaceBook.  THAT was where my day went sideways.
  As with anyone, who doesn't live under a rock, I've been following the clusterf*ck that the Brock Turner, rape trial and sentencing has become.  I will henceforth be referring to him him as "The Rapist."  Calling him by name is giving him notoriety that he does NOT deserve.  For the same reasons, I'm not linking to any of the negative things about this case; his dad's letter, his friend's letter, etc.. you can find them very easily online on your own.  Once he's out of jail, I will then refer to  him as "Brock the sexual predator," because that's what he is & why he's on the sexual predator list for the rest of his life.  After reading that,  I think you're pretty much up to speed on my feelings about this whole thing.  Ok, so like most people, I had read the victim's letter this weekend.  It was devastating.  Seriously devastating.

 Let me say right now, that, how articulate this girl is; she is exactly what the movement against rape culture & victim blaming needed right now.  I wish there was a way she could stay private, while being able to capitalize on those writing skills, because she is AMAZING.  And she deserves ALL. THE. THINGS. But also, if there was a way to undo all this, so you didn't need to write that letter honey?  I'd do that for you too.  No one, should EVER have to go through the hell that you've lived through.  No one should have to be a victim in being a victim, but that is precisely what our society does & it's VERY, VERY WRONG. You should know this: I believe, that because of you;  Because you stood up time & time again.  Because you took the time to really, really put together how it all FELT from YOUR perspective.  (The only one that should matter in this case.)  Because of all of THAT, my daughters' have a much better chance of NOT having to go through something like this.  And I'm forever indebted to you for your courage.  So Thank You for that.  Your efforts were not in vain.  (Yes, I know my grammar & such, is all over the place, but I'm trying to get this out w/out getting too riled up so I can get SOME sleep tonight.  I have deadlines right now for all sorts of things & THIS is all that's been happening.  It's consumed me today.  So forgive me, my syntax & know it has to do w/how passionately I feel about all of this.  This was so important it beat out finishing teacher, father's day & b-day gifts.  I'm behind on all of those bc of soccer already, so yeah...)
Like I said, we were in the middle of soccer tournament hell, (in which Little's team took 1st in her division, so "yeah!"   But seriously,  I couldn't really allow myself to get mired in the debacle at the time.  I was fried & exhausted from managing kids in 100+ degree heat all day.  We fell into bed both nights & up early for more! go team. bah.  But today, ugh.  Today, I read the dad's letter, and my head about exploded.  OH. MY. GOD.  I've read about people like this, but I thought they were smart enough to keep these kinds of thoughts to themselves.  I ALMOST feel sorry for the rapist after reading that letter.  How much of a chance did he stand, when the whole time he's growing up being told how "preshus & speshul he is?  How none of ANYTHING is HIS fault. Not EVER!"  He's special after all. He's smart.  He's an Olympic hopeful! He's living the dream, so of course, let's all gather round & make sure he gets his dream, regardless of the cost to others.  I'm sure you've heard the "20 minutes of action line."  Or my husband's personal favorite, "he won't eat his favorites of mom's vittles; like steak. Hasn't he suffered enough already?" ChristonaCracker!  Normally, I'd go pull the actual quotes from the article, but I can't go read it again right now.  I'll get my panties all in a bunch & then I really WON'T sleep tonight.  We know how good I am at that, as it is.  So, trust me, my paraphrase isn't far off.   After reading that, via a link from Mir's FB page, I commented,"I hope someone goes all "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo"on him; Get him drunk & tattoo "rapist" on his forehead.  Then he'll know what being violated feels like."  Several people liked my comment quite a bit.  (I probably shouldn't be proud of that, but I am. I'm so clever when I'm pissed.  Hey, I can finally own up to something if I ever get around to going to confession. Yeah Me!) Around this time the letter from the rapist's friend, who is a girl, was linked to, as well.  This was the ever popular:

"Where do we draw the line and stop worrying about being politically correct every second of the day and see that rape on campuses isn’t always because people are rapist"
(Someone on another FB post did the copy/paste thing, so I didn't have to go find it.  Thanks for that!) 

Um, no honey.  If you rape someone, you ARE the very definition of a rapist. They don't wear a uniform so we can avoid them.  And part of the reason they get away with it is exactly because of the types of things you're saying.  It's called victim blaming. (This is the part of the subject that will get me good & wound up.)   THEN, someone linked to a FB page FOR the rapist.  (And my head pretty much exploded.  Note all of this happened in less than probably 15 minutes.)  This was the continuance of  a "It can't possibly get any worse, yet here's another" type of thread.  This page was called; (Ugh, I hate to use his name again,) "Brock Turner for 2016 Olympics."  It was so vial, so blatantly awful, that other people seriously thought it was some sick joke.  I don't know who hosted it.  It implied it was family, but I'd like to think they're a little smarter than to do something so brazenly awful.  I was so upset by it, I reported it to FaceBook for hate speech.  Then I went back to the thread on Mir's post & encouraged others to do the same.  One person indicated that she'd reported it for "inappropriate content" the other day, & they pulled down some of the photos.  (Incredibly inappropriate memes that implied that the victim was The Rapist, not the person who was raped.)  THAT, my friends, emboldened me.  They obviously didn't disagree with us.  (I wish I'd taken a screen shot in the middle of this, but I didn't think it would happen as fast as it did in the end.)  I posted this to my FB page.  I linked to his FB page & told my friends & followers we could do something about it.  You see, we live in Santa Clara County.  We can make sure this judge isn't allow to re-victimize anyone again by having him disbarred.  He's up for election tomorrow (well actually today, but it's late, so it's still MY tomorrow).  Usually, we're so frustrated because we feel helpless to do anything.  But this time, I believe we can, so I was on it.  The other thing we can do?  We can get this & any other similar FB pages we find, pulled down.  Luckily, I took screen shots of my posts.  (Below.)  I didn't get the comments included by friends & friends of friends.  Once FB did pull his page, (read the photos to see,) then they pull the comments section of my post.  Eventually, they pulled the whole post.  Luckily, I got a text from a friend asking me what was up, because she couldn't see my comments anymore, but his page was down.  I got on my phone, (was in the middle of "mom's taxi" duties) & checked.  I had just gotten home, so I pulled my laptop to see what was up.  My laptop couldn't bring up anything related to my posts.  FB had deleted them all!  I have to say that annoys the crap out of me.  There was good discussion happening on that post.  Several links to various petitions.  Discussion about bad decisions we all made in college & how lucky we were, that those drunk guys, were still "stand-up guys" when drunk.  But, I did manage to get photos of the start of it & an update.  I'm actually really proud to have been part of this.  I know I made a difference.  If I hadn't, they wouldn't have pulled my stuff down.  We were bugging the crap out of them w/out EVEN TRYING YET! (And to my friends who work at FB, my apologies for being a PITA.  But I know you must've agreed, you just needed to figure out how to do it legally.) I know, it's a drop in a bucket, but enough drops & our bucket will fill up. Maybe, just maybe, I need to get back to writing again.  Turns out, people might just be interested in what I have to say.  Who knew?  I guess you did. ;-)

So w/out further ado, I present,

How To Get A FaceBook Page Taken Down For Hate Speech (In 5 Parts):

My Good Karma

Tomorrow, I embark on what will be one of the hardest things I ever have to do in my life.  Tomorrow, I am taking Merit in to be euthanized.  I've been a mess for over a week now, knowing it's time.  Her arthritis is bad.  Three kinds of pain pills bad.  And she still has good and bad days.  Even with the pain pills.  This week the bad days have outnumbered the good.  And the good haven't been good enough.  I think, she's ready.  I know she's ready not to hurt anymore.  But, I'd be lying if I tried to claim I could ever be ready for this.  I knew, when I adopted her, or really, when she rescued me, that this day would come.  We've had 15 wonderful years together.  Next week, March 21, will be her 15th "Gotcha Day." But, I'm not going to allow her to hurt any longer than necessary, just to meet a day that is special in my mind.  I wish, I was eloquent enough to write a eulogy that was even half as worthy of her.  I know, that whatever I write, it will fall way short of describing the love and friendship she has bestowed on me.  We all have pets that are part of the family.  Our furbabies.  For me, Merit is the baby, by which all dogs shall be measured.  It's not really fair to our other pets, but it's the truth.
Merit has been with me for all the major experiences in my adult life; our engagement, our wedding, several home purchases, two babies... Things won't be the same without her.  When I adopted Merit, I was reading, "The Art of Happiness," by the Dali Lama.  In the book, he described the "good karma" that follows you from life to life.   He said the closest word we had for that in English, was "merit."  When I read that, I knew.  Merit is my good karma.  I believe that whatever happens to us after this life, that we are reunited with our furbabies.  Heaven wouldn't be heaven unless my pups are there.  But it is going to be a very long time until I get to see her again.  I am going to miss her so very, very much.

Status: Health, Winter 2016

I think I'm writing again.  (Lord knows I need to do something different.  What I'm currently doing isn't working.)

I feel like  I've been more or less on the brink of a nervous breakdown since before Thanksgiving. (Dramatic much, why yes, how did you know?)  Little things are helping keep it at bay, but they're sandbags and the levy wall really, really wants to break.  If that happens, I'm not sure I can do much to keep the flood out of the house.  If you know what I mean.

For the first time in 3 years, I'm actually doing pretty well physically, for winter.  A real surprise considering we're in an El Nino year.  What with me being the delicate flower I am, and the damp & cold that El Nino waters bring I would've predicted major walking issues.  So far, I'm holding it together.  I'm not thriving by any stretch, but I'm walking on my own & my family's existence seems to be flowing fairly well.  Most would call that a big win. Considering how low I've set the bar, you would think, I would be part of that most; but there's a lot of things conspiring to push me down & it's hard to manage it all.  In Other Words, I'm feel like I'm losing the battle.

DaddySpeak started a new job last year.  He was at his last place of work for almost 10 years.  That's an eternity in Silicon Valley.  Because his company is considered one of the best places to work, (in the world,) no one asks, "What's wrong with you?  Why have you been there so long?" which is how ambition is typically determined here in Silicon Valley.  It was an enviable position to be in, in my opinion.  But he'd more or less maxed out there.  If he wanted his job to evolve he needed to leave.  At least for a while.  (It's also not uncommon here to leave so you can get the title you aspire to, and eventually go back to your previous company.  They couldn't promote you title wise because of BLAH, BLAH, BLAH... but now that you have experience at that level we can hire you back in that position or above.  Yeah, I know makes tons of sense. Lame, I agree, but a relatively common practice.)  So, our insurance changed for the first time in 10 years.  Most of my doctors were not on this new insurance.  We always sign up for the PPO plan so that if a doctor or two I've been going to isn't on the plan, I don't have to change up everything all at once.  Which explains why I suddenly had to change up ALL my doctors at once.  The short version is; I spent months trying to get new doctors in line.  And now that I've done that, they changed to OUR OLD PROVIDER. I kid you not.  In the meantime, I just finally got set up at this pain clinic.  I was actually super excited because I felt like these doctors were way more in line with my approach to getting better. Not just managing my Fibro. (The Fibro doctor I've been going to keeps me in drugs.  He isn't open to anything that isn't traditional Western Medicine.  I think I can do better, but was nervous to leave him. I felt like the timing was actually good.  This was the universe telling me it was time to move on.)   However, I've since found that I can't seem to get evaluated to get that treatment at this new place.  Seriously.  It took me 4 months to get all my forms, files, etc...to them.  And this clinic won't talk to you until they have your past history in place.  Finally, all shored up.  Got into my first visit with the main doc.  Looks good, going to be evaluated by several people in house to access my current needs; and BAM.  Red light. They were supposed to call me & never did.  I called them.  They'll get back to me with the doctor's orders.  Nothing.  I made a couple more calls and then I was back in for my follow up with the main doctor again.  (Scheduled at the end of my last appointment, but a different desk/person in the clinic.)  He apologized.  Said he took responsibility for the misconnect & that we'd get moving now.  Still in the same boat.   I can NOT seem to get on the phone with the scheduler.  I've been playing phone tag with her for literally 4 weeks now.  So much for pain management.  In the meantime, as expected during the winter, I've been gradually getting worse. I'm at the place where I've started to get migraines again. That's when I know things are bad.  My sleep is crap.  I can't seem to follow asleep till 3:00/4:00 AM.  I will sleep a good 7 hours once asleep, so that's progress.  The problem is that most of the people around me, are NOT functioning on Hawaiian time in California.  So I'm on swing shift.  I sleep for 3 hours, get up, get the kids off to school, go back to bed.  I don't get much done, but I do get rest.  I've learned through the years, to grab the sleep I can, when I can.  If I don't sleep while they're at school, I'm a mess around 4:00 PM.  You know, right in the thick of carpool.  That's safe, NOT.  So, yeah.

Things are a little better in that, the girls make their own lunches at night & are responsible for themselves in the AM.  That doesn't mean it isn't chaotic, it just means I don't have to actually leave the house with them most days.  (That's a win in my book.)  When I do, I usually throw sweats over my PJs & then back to bed.  Girls are also responsible for dishes, dogs & laundry these days.  We're still working on that, but even when they just do a bit, it helps.

So that's where I'm at in my current medical journey.  No where really.  Fibro is maintaining. Hashi's is maintaining.  (Still gaining weight, slowly, but surely.  That's another post for another day.)  And mostly, we're all holding our breath, hoping there isn't some major catastrophe that puts me back into a completely overwhelming downward spiral from which I need to get more serious help for.

More later.  I hope.

Well Hello There....

I've been thinking about writing again.  I just read my last post. February two years ago & I had an almost identical conversation with my shrink today. And to be honest, it's almost more than I can take.  The reason I have for writing isn't about me or my kids.  But reading that post & realizing the spiral I've been on for YEARS now? I just want to make it all go away. You know.

I'm not sleeping.  Surprise!
Little is still dealing w/the same mean girls. Surprise!
I'm back to being depressed. Surprise.

I just learned that a fellow mom blogger has been diagnosed w/stage IV lung cancer.  It's moved into other parts of her body already.  She will not recover from this, she can manage it.  I'm not good friends with this blogger.  I'm not even FaceBook (FB) friends with her.  I probably read some of her stuff back in the day when I was at my blogging high point.  (i.e.-had a lot of readers  And, apparently, enough time to read blogs.  I really had no idea how busy this mom gig could get, damn!)  It just hit me so hard.  She's a single mom.  Dad is around.  But she can't work now & a mutual  (mom blogger,) friend is organizing fundraisers for her. I'm not naming her because 1) it's not my story and 2) her kids don't know yet.

Her kids.

Her story, right now, is every, single mothers' worst nightmare.

I'm sure it's because of my lack of sleep & depression (& a medical procedure I had this week, that I'm still "recovering" from,) so I'm feeling sensitive to this type of thing in particular.  I just can't right now.  All I know is that I'm hurting for her.  And for her kids.  I feel guilt for bitching when nothing I'm dealing with is terminal.  For having the audacity to complain at all about my health.  No, I don't look sick.  (And FAT or overweight doesn't look sick.  Regardless if it is the way you happen to look sick.  Obviously, this is still how I look sick & it bothers me a lot, still.)  No, I'm NOT going to die from this stuff, (at least not as a direct result, in the near future.)

How dare I complain about the way in which I get to participate in my kids' lives.
How dare I bitch about money issues or lack of energy or sleep or my weight.
All of those things mean I'm still here & I'm still participating.  For better or worse, my kids know I'm here & doing my best to raise them into the best adults I know how to help them be.

I'm sorry.  Do me a favor.  Pray for her.  And for all the other friends I have in my feed who are dealing with cancer.  Pray for their families.  And pray that they can find peace.   Isn't that what we all really need, peace?

Dark Clouds, Silver-ish Linings

It's been crazy, as usual.  But new crazy.  I've been struggling with sleep since Thanksgiving.  Yeah, 3 months now.  I don't sleep AT ALL for 2-3 nights, then on the 3rd or 4th night I pass out exhausted.  So that's been a bit draining.  (Ya think?)  My endocrinologist is messing with my drug cocktail.  We've established that both the T4 & T3 hormones for Hashimoto's actually do help me.  I'll be back on both as of tomorrow, so I've got a week of build up until we can try something else.  In other words, same shit, different day.  *sigh*

Things with Little have been rough.

Her speech and learning issues are giving her some trouble.  She's okay, but she's having to work really hard to be okay. She brings stuff home and I help her.  Ultimately she's fine, she just needs extra help getting started or staying focused.  And if she perceives she can't do it, it's meltdown city.  I then spend a lot of time walking her through the work.  This will be for multiple assignments until her confidence has been restored.  So that's school work.

The really hard part has been that she's being bullied.  The bullying is mean girl stuff.  It's manipulative, under the radar, nastiness being done by girls who are supposedly her friends.  Every day she comes home and declares if she had a "good day or a bad day."  That report is directly related to how these girls have treated her that day.  On a positive note, she's gotten very skilled in what to do in negative social situations. Probably more skilled than a lot of adults.  That's the only positive thing I can say about it. Things are so bad, that when she goes off & does other activities during recess, like kickball, they will give her a hard time for doing something else! They'll hassle her because she was playing kickball instead of being abused hanging out with them.  It's bad. It's like, she moves away from them because they're jerks to her, but then they seek her out, SO THEY CAN BE JERKS TO HER, about her staying away! Her frustration and meltdowns are high, (mine too, can you tell?) By the end of the week her fuse is so short, you can pretty much get a meltdown from walking into the same room as her.  Honestly, she's doing an amazing job in a really hard situation.  All of her meltdowns are at home.  She holds it together in pubic.  No one knows about the girl she can be at home.  In relation to this, we started her in a 'social group' at her therapy group week before last.  It's with other girls like her; similar issues with sensory, flexible thinking, etc...  They work on how to deal with social conflicts.  They've giving the girls a virtual tool box to draw from when they're feeling bad. (Colors/codes to identify how they feel.  Things to do when feeling that way.)  Couple nights ago,  she built a "real" box of tools.  She did this because she was trying to chill from what we think is an anxiety attack.  (Yeah, it's that bad.)  So, she's embracing the ideas they're giving her and really trying.  She likes it, and the girls a lot, so at least it's something that's making her happy, right?

Lastly, I've got the school testing her for her learning disabilities.  It's becoming obvious that many of these things are not going to be "resolved."  At least, not any time soon.  I'm concerned that she will run into a teacher who isn't supportive of what (extra things,) she needs in her environment to be successful.  Beside the fact that the school should be paying for some of these services, I want them to have their own documentation on her.  If we do run into that educator, the one who isn't inclined to support her extra needs, I don't want to be starting from scratch with them, on getting her help.  We have an official IEP meeting scheduled for March. I'm terrified. IEP is the real deal.  I'm scared they're going to say she doesn't have needs that I know she has and then refuse to help her. I'm scared, I'll piss off the wrong person, (or already have, knowing me,) and that will impact how they treat her.  And a part of me is scared of hearing of the things she does have, giving a real name to them.  It's like her sensory defensiveness, we knew she had a sensory issue, we just didn't realize it was a full blown thing.  We chalked a lot up to personality.  When I learned it had a name & symptoms that she quite obviously fell into, I could not have felt more guilty.  There were tools and techniques we could have been using to help her, and we hadn't even considered them.  I suspect, there is more of that on the horizon for us.

Alright, that's enough of an update for now.  I've been putting off putting this stuff into words.  The bullying & my ongoing health issues drain me enough.  Writing about & thus reliving them, doesn't improve that.  It's not all doom & gloom.  Little is still Little, there's no holding that kid back. She has lots of high points too.  She fun and funny and crazy, like always.   And Big is in her 5th grade year.  Last year of elementary school.  (Also, I don't want to talk about, because I'm in denial  that she's so freaking OLD already!) There's been a lot of great, fun things going on with her too.  I'll try to get back on here in the next week to give you all some more of the positive stuff.  (And hopefully report that I'm sleeping again.)

More, (or less,) of the Same

So a super quick update.

Right after I last posted, my energy level Tanked! Plus lots of symptoms: low BP, (90/60,)  very low body temp, (around 90. Yes, i am a real life zombie.  Who knew?) Hot flashes & night sweats, (while being only 90,) extremely dry skin, hair loss, loss of appetite.... I think you get the idea.  Took a month to get in for blood work & my numbers are still good.  Of course they are. My doctor & I did discuss what could be done if this were the case & are trying a new protocol. I think it's helping, but I've been so busy, that I can't tell if I'm tired from busy or because I'm having issues. Have to give it another week or two to be sure. I suspect my symptoms were going to continue to get worse, as they had been all month. And they seemed to have improved somewhat. At least, I know better what to look for & ask about', right? (I'm working on finding things to be grateful for in every situation. I know that's not possible, but I think I can be happier, with what I have, if I can do this. Plus, great way to teach that lesson to the girls. BONUS!)

More later & sooner. No really. While a Twitter post is a bit too short, I should be able to update more if I can keep it more like this one.

Return of the Mommy (Speak)

Nothing like a little free publicity to get one off her arce & write. So, thanks to SheKnows.com & Sherri Kuhn for kicking my arce to get back on the horse again. (Even if you didn't realize you were providing that service.)

It's been awhile, (February,) since I last posted. At that time, I was in a really dark place. In my defense, that last post was written during a time in which, I was weened from one set of meds, but not yet on the next group. Proof, that regardless of what I might think, they really do seem to be helping. Since then, things have improved dramatically. (That's the understatement of the year.) I've been meaning to update, but so much has happened that it felt overwhelming. I was also busy, trying to catch up on all the life I feel like I've been missing out on.

Long story short; in April I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's aka - hypothyroid.
Since then, I've lost 25 lbs, (still have at least 30 to go). I have long periods without pain. Yes, you read that correctly, without pain. I have energy to do stuff. Meaning, I'm not napping while kids are at school, just so I can get through the afternoon when they're home. Yeah, it is like I'm a different person. As you might imagine, a lot has happened, so I have find to tell you.  Most of that will have to wait. Right now, I just wanted to let you know I'm alive & doing REALLY WELL. And that I'm back.

Broken

We're in Tahoe right now. Everyone went out to play this morning in the snow, while I laid on the couch on my side, trying to get my body to not hurt so badly. When you have chronic pain, going on vacation might seem like a good way to relax and manage your pain. Unfortunately, if you don't have a good bed, your usual and other potential problems tend to pop up, negating any benefits you might accrue from rest and relaxation. We are staying in a cabin, with my parents and my brother's family. Normally, I would prefer to lie down on the couch in the living area. If I'm in the living room, then I don't miss everything, even if I can't participate. But with the number of people we don't have enough room for me to lay on the couch. So I'm stuck up in the bedroom, listening to everyone else. The group just headed out to a sledding area, but my stomach problems have kicked in, so I'm staying at the cabin near a bathroom.  I am so tired, of living like this. This is not living this is surviving. I am missing so much of my girls and the things that they are doing. Sometimes, I wonder if it would be better if I wasn't here. I feel like I put a damper on everything we do. We are constantly accommodating my health needs. And even with those accommodations, there's still so much I don't seem able to do. It's extremely frustrating for me to live like this, I can't imagine how frustrating it must be, to be my family. I want so much to be able  to do normal things with my family. At this point, I'd be okay with just getting to take pictures,  but as time goes on, it seems like even that is becoming too much to ask for. I don't know how to fix this, but I do know that I'm broken. I don't want to live like this anymore.

This...

Saw my rheumatologist this week.  It was disappointing in that he doesn't seem open to alternative medicine; acupuncture. I didn't bring up chiropractic with him. I'm torn on this, I'm not having good success w/acupuncture, but I know people who do, so I was hoping he'd have insight or referrals. Also, his response was so overwhelming negative it made me wonder if he's the best fit for me.  I want to be able to get meds to help when I need them; pain pills. But I don't want someone who just wants to throw pills at it & call it good either. So after he got done ripping apart that, he did decided to change up the prescriptions I am taking. So far, I'm not real happy about this. My sleep has been pretty sketchy lately anyway, this was enough to throw it completely off kilter. Below is what was supposed to be a text to my mom this morning. It got too long, so now it's an email & blog post. I know it rambles, that's what its like to be in my head right now.
Note: 3AM is the time I was up past last night. I've been averaging 2 AM pretty regularly this last week.
_______________

3AM.  & I was wired. 

I'm calling my dr. & telling him I'm backing off of the decrease in both drugs. I'm decreasing the P & changing over, but I'm not messing w/the E at the same time. 

I feel like I'm on adrenalin (not my energy level, more like my awake level,) & any second it's going wear off & I'm going to crash. My pain level is on it too. Not just my back, my neck & ankle feel worse than that, this morning. It's like they're amped up.  Actually, it would be more accurate to describe it like, I have crashed, & I'm in that space where you can see it, but you're waiting to see where you'll feel it. 

I know it's something w/the drugs, bc my inner voice (not the nice one,) has turned itself up. And it turns out it has a crazy evil twin. I'm not hearing voices, (now i do sound crazy,) it's more like those thoughts you have; doubting/worrying yourself, well they've amped up too. I'm feeling anxiety I guess. Not in the sense of a panic, more in the sense of non-rational thoughts slipping in here & there. I don't want to detail them, or you will think I'm crazy. I think them & then immediately wonder where the heck THAT came from. I know they're not rational, so that makes me not crazy. (Right?)

I need help w/the mundane. I'm not getting it all done & I'm stressed about it. I hate asking for help bc I'm not the only one w/issues, but I am on the cusp of that overwhelmed anxiety feeling. I hate this. So maybe I'm having panicky anxiety, I just can't see the forest for the trees or something. (& now I feel like this is rambling & all over the place. Probably bc it is) 

I'm going to try & sleep now, maybe my thoughts will be less rambling after a few more hours.

Tired

You know what would be awesome? A pain free day. THAT would kick ass. Could one of you please get on that? (I did say please.) I  actual have a couple hours this week when nothing hurt, (not all in a row, so don't get too excited.) and it was pretty nice. If I could get a whole day a week like that, I could get some shit done. A whole day without pain would kick ass. Maybe I wouldn't be so fucking tired all the time either. And maybe I wouldn't be such a bitch all the f'ing time either. Or, I'd have to blame it on something else, right?

To Tablet or Not to Tablet...

So trying something new this time. I got a tablet for Christmas, (Nexus 7,) and I'm writing on it now. I asked for it, thinking I would be able to do more than I could on an iPad. I was hoping to be able to utilize existing software, (Photoshop,) from my laptop, and work on some of my scrapbook pages. To be honest, I haven't given it a full shot yet. Since it would be web based, I'm pretty sure I won't be able to do what I want on here. To be fair, I don't think I could do any of that type of work on the iPad yet either, or any other tablet for that matter. The software & systems just don't seem robust enough to me... yet. But I will give it a true test in the next few days.
The biggest problem I'm having with the apps is that they keep dropping me in the middle of use. If what I'm working on is web based you can see where this would quickly become an issue. (The amount of information you could lose, could quickly be extremely large.) The app I've run into it the most is on Facebook. In my opinion, they took the app for Apple, tweaked some code so it would work via Android & called it good. It's not good, it's frustrating as hell. The error I get says it's a network problem, but it means their network, not mine. (Took me awhile to figure that out. Not before I tried to fix my  not broken network first.) I've run into this particular error the most. Most other apps, I'm not running live while using, so it hasn't been as much of an issue. I realize this issue might fall with the software developer, but it's important for them to realize that if the apps people want don't work, then no one's gonna buy the tablet. Especially if there is a tablet the apps do work on, like the iPad. The second major frustration I run into is several apps for Android will not work on the Nexus 7. It speaks to the need for some standardization across the industry. If any of the players in this market want to give Apple a serious run for their money that's their  best bet. Lastly upon looking in the Android store for certain (kids games,) apps, I encountered a fairly  extensive collection of adult apps. (P0rn.) I'm not a prude, but this caught me off guard, as I've never run into something like this before. It was a good reminder to update the parental controls on my children's electronics, but I worry about the kids whose parents aren't paying that much attention. (For the record, I was looking at the American Girl Doll apps and I got American Girls, but these girls were not for kids.)
This post is actually become my testdrive for many of the basic functionally aspects of the tablet. I'm quickly becoming a fan of the keyboard, (I can swipe thru letters it provides choices for the correct word-much faster than typing & I'm actual a fairly quick typist.) I know you can do this on an iPad, but the Nexus 7 costs less than half.
I'm now using the voice function to write this piece and it's pretty good. By the time my kids are old enough to want to use it nobody will type or write anything anymore, it'll all be voice dictation. I've wanted to use voice dictation in the past, but was leery of purchasing any software as it's not cheap and reviews have indicated that the software isn't very effective. I'm definitely having to go back and tweak a bit, some of the words that it thinks I mean are definitely off base, but actually it's much better than I expected. I have an iPhone 4, so my phone doesn't talk back to me, meaning, no Seri. But when I do try to use the voice dictation feature it's not nearly as good as this nexus 7 one seems to be. (This paragraph was originally written using voice dictation. I have gone & tweaked it, so it makes more sense, but you can see what the tablet came up with on it's own, in the paragraph below.)</p>

<p dir="ltr"><i>I'm</i><i> also using </i><i>the</i><i> voice function to write this </i><i>piece</i><i> and </i><i>it's</i><i> </i><i>pretty</i><i> </i><i>good</i><i>. By the time I kids are old enough to want to use </i><i>it</i><i> nobody will type </i><i>or</i><i> </i><i>write</i><i> anything anymore </i><i>it'll</i><i> </i><i>all</i><i> </i><i>be</i><i> voice dictation. I </i><i>wanted</i><i> to use voice dictation </i><i>in</i><i> </i><i>the</i><i> </i><i>past</i><i> </i><i>the</i><i> </i><i>Bently</i><i> </i><i>reserve</i><i> </i><i>purchasing</i><i> any of </i><i>this</i><i> software to do so the software is not cheap </i><i>and</i><i> </i><i>reviews</i><i> </i><i>and</i><i> </i><i>indicate</i><i> that the software is infected I'm definitely having to go back </i><i>and</i><i> </i><i>tweaks</i><i> </i><i>is</i><i> </i><i>the</i><i> bed some of the words that it thinks I mean are definitely well </i><i>face</i><i> </i><i>but</i><i> actually it's much better than </i><i>I</i><i> </i><i>expected</i><i>. </i><i>I </i><i>have</i><i> </i><i>an</i><i> iPhone 4, so my phone doesn't talk back to me </i><i>meeting</i><i> </i><i>3</i><i> </i><i>something</i><i> </i><i>on</i><i> </i><i>it</i><i> but when I do </i><i>try</i><i> to use </i><i>the</i><i> voice dictation </i><i>feature</i><i> it's not nearly as good </i><i>as</i><i> </i><i>this</i><i> </i><i>nexus</i><i> </i><i>71</i><i> seems to </i><i>be</i><i>.</i></p>
<p dir="ltr">Big got a Kindle Fire for Christmas and I need to test that out since it uses the same platform, Android.&#160; The Kindle Fire is at a similar price point, so I'm curious to compare them side-by-side. </p>
Funny, I wasn't intending to write a review. I had actually intended to write about having a frustrating Fibro day, but I'm hurting enough to even bring my laptop on my lap well in front of me that is painful.
I saw the tablet sitting on the coffee table next to me & thought let's give it a try.  It became a review by default.  Writing this may have made the tablet much more valuable to me as I've discovered I can use voice dictation to write my blog posts. Voice dictation will mean my spelling will improve, but my grammar is going to suffer greatly.  Right now, it's taking me as much time as if I typed it to write this post.  But, it takes a lot less energy and eventually I expect it will be faster as it becomes more familiar with my voice. The jury still out on whether not I plan to keep the tablet, I'm still working on learning all the functionality. I actually downloaded the user's manual and read it cover to cover and there are still some things  I'm trying to figure out.  I'm not the smartest kid on the block, I'm not the dumbest either and the fact that I read the book and can't figure out a couple of basic things on my own, so far indicates me that there's still a lot of work for Google to do if they wanted to compete with an iPad.

Happy New Year!!! Whatever that's about...

Yup, as my post title implies I'm my usual chipper self.  Read on, I know you've been waiting to hear from me w/baited breath.... ;-)

I'm checking in to say, I'm going to try & blog more this year.  Yeah, I do know that isn't saying much.  But I have a "plan" so that means it might actually work out.  I'm trying, is what I want you to know. 

I know, for a lot of people, 2012 was hard.  Because of what happened in 2012, 2013 is going to continue to be hard for a lot of them.  There was a lot of loss this year.  It seemed to really hit home at the end of the year, but I know, I remember, it wasn't just one thing that made 2012 seem hard for so many people. There was plenty of misery to go around.  There always is, if you think about it.  That being said, for me, in many ways, 2012 was a really good year:
 In January, I got back  up on skis for the first time in 5 years.  I started doing yoga on a regular basis. (I believe those things are related, and not in that order.)  I had The Summer of  No Pain.* (That should be said in the rock concert announcer's voice, echo and all.)  And right here, I was about to start to including some of my kids' victories. But, I realize that those belong to them, and I don't want to become someone who is living vicariously through my kids. (At least not too much.)  I have my own battles, and I want my own wins & my own losses.  It would be foolish to think that their losses, (& gains,) don't impact me, bc they obviously do.  So rather than catalog their wins as if they were my own, let's just say that many things, related to my kids lives, that were stressing me out, went away. (Don't worry, there are still plenty for me to worry about still.) And I stopped holding my breath.  It seemed like maybe, just maybe, we had started to find a new normal; one that I could live with.  So just when I started to plan & volunteer, (September, October...) when I started to think, "Maybe we could have people over again, like we used to do."  My Fibro came roaring back w/a vengeance.    So, yeah, I've spend most of this first week of the holidays on a couch or a bed.  I've been on pain pills a lot, just to get out of bed.  Not to go anywhere, just to be able to literally take off PJs, put on sweats & walk down the stairs.  There have been several days, where getting down the stairs was the big event of my day.  I'm hopeful, that the start of a new year, will bring back that normal was starting to enjoy.  That my rheumatologist is correct, and this is "just a flare," which means it will, at some point, no longer be this bad. (BTW, he was "amazed at how well I was doing," when I saw him a month or so, ago.  I went into him, bc I was NOT doing amazing, but compared to the last time he'd seen me, he was in awe.  Sometimes, it's hard to see the forest for the trees, blah, blah, blah...)

I think I lost track of the blogging, bc I wanted to focus on living, not chronicling.  And, truth be told, that's how it should be, right?  Live a life worth chronicling.  BUT, (you knew there was one, there always is w/me,) when I write, I let go of a lot of the bad.  There's a little voice inside of me that says, "Maybe, just maybe, the reason the Fibro came back the way it did, was bc I stopped focusing on me.  I started focusing on everything outside of me; my kids, my husband, my house.... Maybe, focusing on me was the key to getting better."  I think, in the middle of my planning & volunteering, I lost sight of me.  I'm hopeful, that if I can focus on me again, it'll get better more quickly.  So, I'm back.  Yes, dear reader, (all 10 of you, {yes I do know that number is much higher, I can see your stats remember. ;-)}) I'm totally here for your entertainment value.  But, I'm also very much here for me.  Maybe that's the right reason & while, I'll be more consistent this time.


*Let's be real here, I had, literally one day this summer, when I woke up without any pain, anywhere. When I write that, I focus on the fact that there was a point in time, in which, nothing hurt.  I'm sure you focus on the one day. It took me about 10 mins to realize what was different, but I knew immediately something was different.  Other than that one day, I have had pain every single day this year.  It's a drag & it sucks, I agree.  But I'm not alone. There are certainly worse things.  You may have one of those things I consider to be worse, I don't want to offend, so I'm not going to mention them.  My point is, I had tolerable pain during that summer.  "Livable pain." Pain, with which, I could still function like a relatively normal person.  What does that mean?  It means, I could hang out w/my kids all day at Disneyland & not be too exhausted to eat dinner.  It means, I didn't have to take any pain pills to get through my day.  (OTC stuff doesn't count.  I'm talking prescription stuff.  But FTR, I'm pretty sure there wasn't any OTC stuff either.)  I'm at the point w/my Fibro, that I would be thrilled if that could be my new normal.  You can take that how you want, I realized I will continue to want more, regardless of what my body is doing.  I won't ever stop looking for ways to have less/no pain.  But I could be happy w/that level of pain/discomfort. I wouldn't stop working for something more, that's human nature, but I could live with the way things were this summer.

Love Them Fiercely

I have to write this & then I'm going to move on from it. 
Yesterday, the shooting in Sandyhook, CT. 
I have no words.
I don't know how to express the depth of pain I feel about this incident. 

I originally saw a headline, but it was right after it happened & the only info was that there was a shooting.  About an hour later my mom texted me & told me at least 18 kids were gone. Gone.  I was sick.  I mean it.  Physically ill.  My "flight/fight" response kicked in, only I had nowhere to run and no one to fight.  I felt all the horrible things I felt when 9/11 happened.  Only, this was babies.  I immediately emailed Big's therapist & told her I was going to need help.  When 9/11 hit, the depression I went into... the memory of how dark that time was for me is hard to even think about.  I have kids now.  I don't have the luxury of sinking that low.  There are other people who are dependent on me.  I was getting ready for my first appointment w/an acupuncturist when I was given that information.  Lying on the table for 40 mins somewhat calmed me.  I practiced my breathing.  I repeated a mantra w/each breath; "My kids are safe. We are loved."  I felt like maybe they would get the love if I sent it out enough.  I don't know, I was basically barely holding off the panic.  I'm grateful for that appointment, it kept me from irrationally getting my kids early from school. The time on the table & the breathing calmed me down.  I left from there and picked up my girls from school. 
We're basically having a no TV weekend.  I can't watch the newscasts.  The details.  I want to believe those babies didn't have time to be scared.  To cry for their mommies.  But I know that's not true.  They were 1st graders.  They were 6 & 7 year olds.  They were supposed to be in a place where they were safe & loved.
Little is 6, and in 1st grade. 
I love my kids so fiercely.  I know their parents did too. 
I won't give acknowledgement to the shooter.  I won't feed the media circus.
I will pray for those families.
I will hug my girls tightly & pray they know how fiercely I love them.
I pray they will be safe.

It's Baaack.... Fibro Has Reared It's Ugly Head Again

My Pain Diary for November

As much as I've been trying to convince myself differently, I'm having a horrible Fibro Flare.  It probably started in October, but I didn't want to believe it, and really didn't start tracking it well, until November.  If you're someone who deals w/a chronic illness, you know exactly what I mean by "tracking."  For the rest of you, when you have a chronic illness, it's quite easy for the medical profession to believe your complaints are exaggerated.  Especially in something like Fibro, where so many parts of your body can be affected.  To help your doctors and therapists help you, it's good to keep a diary.  No, not the kind where you profess your love or angst.  (Though for mental illness, which can be an aspect of Fibro, that's a good avenue of treatment too.)  In my case it's a pain diary.  I track what hurts; the where, how, intensity, how it started, what did to treat it & if/when it went away.  Since one of the major symptoms I've had in the past is Irritable Bowel Syndrome, (IBS,) I also keep a food diary.  Yes, it is one more thing to add to my day.  But, it can help show patterns, that can help your treatment.  For instance, hormonal changes tend to have a big impact.  If there's nothing your doctor can provide to help w/this, at least you know this, and can try to plan accordingly.  Try not to schedule anything really important during that week and such.  I track my pain on my smartphone.  (Of course there's an app for that.)  I can print reports from it, or be able to glance at calendar page & see where my spikes are.  The app that I use, My Pain Diary, allows me to enter all this information.  I don't really know if it's better or worse than other apps, because I haven't really tried many others.  It more or less works for me, so it's good.  (Though, upon getting that link, I see that there many more of these than there were when I first sought one.  I may have to try a few & provide a review on my other blog; that I also don't update near enough.)   Anyway, since I'm forced to pay more attention to all of this, I've really taken a good, hard look at my last year & it's really nothing short of amazing.  I haven't had an attack of significance since March.  Even then, April & May only included 2 bad days.  In the scope of things, 2 bad days a month, totally doable.  June - Sept had NO bad days.  That's pretty f'ing amazing.  NONE!  October had 5, which really isn't that bad.  I know a few of those were migraines, which I have good meds for, and can get under control pretty quickly.  November is when things went south in a big way.  On the calendar view of this app, it will color the date depending on your level of pain.  Moderate pain will show up yellow, severe will be read.  November & Dec look like a slasher movie it them.  I'm still committed to yoga, though I've had to back off on it, not wanting to make things worse.  And things seemed to really go south after my 3rd visit to my new chrio.  I was emailing him for suggestions/advice during the worst of it.  I think he was too aggressive in my last treatment.  In between that time, I saw my rheumatologist, who was amazed at how well I was doing.  Of course I was there because I wasn't doing all that well.  He told me to keep on doing what I was doing, and that w/every treatment there are good and bad days.  I was in the middle of a very long bad one.  I saw my chiro again a week after that & he thinks we were too aggressive, too fast.  Pulled back my treatment to what it was the month before (2nd visit,) and I was actually really good for 2 days.  I had expected to hurt more from my chiro visit, but nope, right off, everything was happy.  I'm back in the thick of everything being unhappy, but I have more hope these days.  I see my chiro again in 3 days, I'm hopeful that if we take things really slow, I'm going to continue to have more good days than bad.

I Choose Love (9/11 tribute)

Had a bit of a rough morning.  My back was bad from the night before, but got the girls to school on time. Even rode bikes, which seems to be helping to loosen up my hip/back, so I'm actually kind of proud of myself on that one.  A year ago, I would've called a neighbor to have the girls tag along and walk with them to school. My right leg & foot were falling asleep on the bike ride home.  This is my body's way of reminding me I'd already pushed it too far.  Knowing that, I came home, popped some ibuprofen & sat on the couch to take it easy.  Checked/cleaned out my email inbox & then popped over to FaceBook, (FB,) to see what my friends were up to today. 

Oh yeah, today is 9/11.  

For a few minutes this morning I had forgotten.  (Or, not realized yet.)  Reading all the 9/11 posts on FB brings back that horrible knot in my stomach. That sense of loss & helplessness so many of us felt on that day.  My Mother-In-Law woke us with a phone call that morning.  Told us we needed to get up and turn on the TV.  We became aware of what was happening about 5 minutes before the second plane hit.  I remember watching in disbelief as that plane flew into the building.  It was surreal.  The speed at which it was going and the directness of it's path, (into the building,) left no room for question.  This was not an accident, this was deliberate.  It's interesting, most of us find it necessary to relate what we were doing at that time.  How we found out.  Almost as if, to prove to everyone we really were part of what happened.  We may not have been in those buildings, or even known anyone who was, but we were part of it.  See, we didn't forget, is the implication of those stories.   I remember my first coherent thought, (as opposed to the raw emotion that was taking center stage in the middle of this,)  was "this is what 2001 will be remembered for, this will be remembered as the awful year, people flew planes into the World Trade Center, (WTC,).  I admit, it was a selfish thought.  We had been married in May, and for us, 2001 was our wedding year.  It was supposed to be the happiest year of my life.  Up until 9/11, it was.  I remember thinking, years from now, when we tell people we were married in 2001, they will say, "Oh the year of the WTC attacks."  Yes, it was a very selfish thought.  People had lost or were losing their lives in there, and I was worried about how people were going to look at it in a historical reference and as it related to me.  I know I wasn't alone in this.  I may be alone in admitting it, but I know most of us had initial thoughts like those.  Up until 9/11, we, (Americans,) were much like kids, who relate everything to 'how this affects me.'  We had this sense, that comes w/innocence, (or perhaps immaturity,) that viewed the world in that way.  'How does this affect my life.'  If the answer was, it really doesn't, then we would move on to the next thing.  This innocence, (which sounds way nicer than immaturity,) was really a good example of why those terrorists hated us so much.  We were so self-centered.  To a large degree, we were spoiled children who had been told the universe revolved around us and we believed it.  Our bigest worries were what I call, 'First World Problems.' We weren't worried about things like having enough to eat or a safe, comfortable place for our kids to sleep at night. We worried about things like how to get our kids to eat more vegetables, and if the DVR was going to have enough room to tape both of our TV shows tonight.  The kind of thing those terrorists might have wanted to be able to worry about.  I'm not defending them.  You have to be a special kind of crazy to do what they did. No one deserves what was done.  I'm just pointing out that, as a nation, we were spoiled brats who needed a good smack upside the head.  Instead of  a smack, they figuratively cut off an arm.  And we were innocent no more.

The second tangible thought I had that morning happened when the first building fell.  I immediately thought, "There are people running IN! What about them?!" I knew 'what about them,'  or I wouldn't have had that thought.  My heart just couldn't let my brain go there. From an analytical perspective, I wonder why I knew to think of them.  We have a lot of close friends who are police or fire department, and my brother is a cop now.  If this had happened in this day and age, I would know exactly why that thought occurred to me. People I'm close to, would've been part of that first wave of people in to help. In 2001, I was naive to that fact.  Maybe the news had covered the fact that as scary as it all was, the 'first responders' were bravely showing up to help.  I don't remember that though.  So much of that morning was just raw emotion.  I think that's why I remember what I thought & when I thought it. The rest of it is a big blur of disbelief, confusion, fear and helplessness.  Those feelings took root, and wouldn't go away, at all, for a LONG time.

 Like many people, I went into a very deep depression after 9/11/01.  No, I didn't know anyone personally who died.  I have family in NYC, some of whom were very close to it, but everyone was OK.  And we knew they were all OK pretty quickly.  We didn't have to go through the agonizing wait that so many did. We were spared the worry that not knowing would have added to the day.  I've commemorated this day on my blog in many ways.  I've written about individuals who lost their lives.  I've chronicled my depression, which took a few years and medications to get under control.  I've promised, like so many others, that I will "NEVER FORGET!"  We won't forget.  We can't.  But I'd be lying if I didn't admit I want to.  I don't want to forget how nice everyone got for a while there.  It seemed everyone, (in America,) posted an American flag in their car windows.  People let each other in, in traffic.  People smiled at each other & introduced themselves in random places.  It's hard to hate people you know.  If those terrorists had known us, known the names of the people on those planes, would that have made a difference?  Would it have mattered to them, the lady in row 10 was 3 month pregnant and they were going to share this joyous news with their parents this weekend?  Would it have mattered to them, that the 10yo girl visiting her mom's office in the WTC,  had raised money via a lemonade stand that summer.  That she had sent that money to charities helping children in their home countries? (I just made up those people, for perspective.)  My point is, I think  it might have made a difference.  It should have made a difference.  The reason we will never forget is because we can't.  Because, it could have easily been one of us on one of those planes or in those buildings.

Here's the big secret we all harbor.  We want to forget. Yup, I said it and it's true.  We say we'll, "Never Forget" as if it's something we have to work at, when really it's the opposite.  We want to forget.  We want to forget the pain, the confusion, the fear and the overwhelming sadness we feel about this day.  As time marches on, we do forget a little.  After it happened, there was not a moment that went by that we weren't thinking about it.  Those first couple years, everything anyone took part in,  was peppered with this tragedy.   Was it a large group gathering?  How were we making sure only people who belonged there were part of it?  We  suddenly realized how vulnerable we were, if someone wanted to hurt us.  All they had to do was show up at a mall near Christmas.  Or attend a NFL game.  The mayhem & publicity that would result from such an incident would severe their purposes well.  It's hard to maintain that type of vigilance though.  And now, 11 years later, I find that I didn't remember it was 9/11, till you all reminded me.  I'm lucky, I have that luxury.  If I had directly lost someone, I suspect, it would still be at the forefront of my mind most days.  I'm sure it is for those who are in that position.

While taking a moment of silence or prayer to commemorate this day is nice.  I think the memories of those lost would be best served, if we could try to remember our response to this tragedy.  If we see something out of place, point it out.  When you get on a plane, or bus, or train, introduce yourself to the people around you.  Let the guy merge into your lane in traffic. Smile at people you don't know.  We won't forget the awful thing that those people, who only had room for hate in their hearts, did.  We might want to forget, but we can't.  The real victory is when we work together to show, we are better than that. In the time everyone would expect us to choose to hate, we choose to love.  Allow your actions to show that's how we feel.  The terrorists don't win because we cancel a public event over safety concerns.  The terrorists win, if they get us to hate like that did.

I choose LOVE.
 

My Little Hexagon

You must laugh when you see that I've posted.  Knowing, there will be an onslaught of excuses related to my absence.  And, while they're good ones, they are still, just excuses.  We're on the very end of summer vacation.  I'll do my best to be short in bringing you up to date.

Big's issues have been in a holding pattern.  I'm not sure she was completely truthful about no longer pulling out her eyebrow/lashes, at the beginning.  But they do seem to be growing back nicely now.  She's had the opportunity to have several play dates with friends this summer.  I think that's helped a lot.  We had a few nights last week, in which it was just her and I.  The first night we went to dinner, sushi, her choice.  And dessert, gelato.  It was nice for both of us to just hang out and be mellow.  I know she loved that the whole night was about her.  I told her she could invite a friend to sleep over the next night.  They jumped on the trampoline w/the sprinklers on them, put together a craft, (related to horses, of course) and then made pizzas for dinner.  I told them as long as they kept it to a low hum they could stay up as late as they wanted, (11-ish).  It was way more relaxing than I can relate.  She is still seeing therapist.  Just this week, her therapist indicated that maybe she didn't need to come every week, "she's doing so well."  I asked to keep things, "as is," at least until October.  There is so much that can change once school starts.  I really, really hope at least one of the friends we've been seeing all summer is in her class.  (Say a little prayer for us both, ok?)

I guess Little is also in a holding pattern.  Summer has been hard.  Her friend base was messed up by the end of last year. (Long story.) She has been dying for her turn at play dates and sleep overs, but her friends just haven't been as available.  Daddy and I are doing our best to create lots of "special Little time."  My fingers are crossed for her this school year too.  I really, really hope there is a girl in her class this year that she can really bond with.  Someone, who is sweet, isn't a bully or a mean girl, and doesn't idolize her older sister when she comes over to play.  (I know, it's a tall order.)  As far as Little's "learning issues" go.  It's hard to say.  The distraction thing is huge for her.  We read and do homework every day.  If there's no real distractions, she's great.  I feel really confident about her doing well this year.  BUT, if there are distractions? Forget it.  Her ability to ignore, is so poor.  I just don't see how she can learn anything in a classroom with other kids in it.  I'm so worried about her. 

On top of everything else, Daddy went out of town last week.  Her ability to hold it together was awful.  It was all those stories about her "spirited personality" rolled up together and put on steroids.  I swear I have PTSD from it.  I think Daddy thought I was going to drop them off at home, (from the airport,) and keep driving.  I can't say it didn't cross my mind.  I'm sure it was because Daddy was away, and school is about to start.  She's overwhelmed and doesn't know how to burn it off constructively.  In the meantime, we all suffer with her.

I'm not really doing all that well.  I have a laundry list of things I'm unhappy about, but what it comes down to is, that  I'm really afraid I'm not doing right by either of my kids.  Most especially Little.  I feel like there's more than just the sensory thing going on there.  Last week, she would get so mad and frustrated.  At one point, she started to swing to him me.  She realized what she was doing & turned herself so she hit the couch instead of me.  But when she starts having impulse control issues, it makes me think there's more going on.  I'm at a loss of what to do to help her.  If I am doing the right things to help her, it sure doesn't feel like it.  I'm overwhelmed with worry and emotion and I feel like I have no where to vent.  She's not bad enough to qualify for state help, but not good enough so that she keeps up on her own.  She's not a square peg or a round hole.  She's a hexagon in a rectangle world.  :-( 

Update on the Update

 This was written in April.  I considered re-writing it to a more timely post (where we are now,) but I figured between this and the post before it, you get a pretty good idea of where we all are right now.  Summer vacation has changed things up a bit.  And while, life in general seems to be calmer, I suspect we won't know if any of the things we're doing to help our girls is working until a few weeks after school starts.  If there are helping, I suspect there will be a new set of issues to keep us on our toes.  The silver lining, I guess, is that you, lucky reader, have tons of blog fodder just waiting to be written, so you can read it.  So, um, yeah.   

Short story long, we had Little tested.  She has some speech issues, most of which are something that would normally be addressed until later.  (IOW, she has be older to be considered "delayed" in those areas.)  But the big thing they found was that Little is a single processor.  (Means she can't really multi-task.  Doesn't mean she won't be able to, but right now she really needs to be able to focus on one thing at a time.)  She was also diagnosed with sensory defensiveness disorder.  This isn't really news to us.  We've said all along she has some sensory thing.  It's why she wants a dozen blankets on her at night, even when it's 105 outside.  It's why she used to completely lose her shit over wearing a seat-belt.  It's why she isn't a fan of cold things; even ice cream.  And why she feels pants and shoes, and most especially socks should always be optional, if required at all ever.  The combination of her sensory defensiveness & being a single processor is a large part of why she seems to be struggling at school.  She is easily distracted.  If anything at all commands her attention, then everything else is ignored.  There are some other issues; things that she can do, but isn't doing correctly.  She has acquired incredible coping mechanisms; and manages to use other muscle groups when the ones normally used aren't up to the task.  So, she is having to learn how to hold her pencil in a different way.  A part of her sensory defensiveness is that her sense of touch is messed up.  Some of her speech issues are because she doesn't feel her tongue the way most of us do.  So she can't make the 'R' sound because she doesn't feel if her tongue is in the right place.  The sense of touch thing also works the opposite way; she may not think something hurts the way you and I might.  BUT, if something does get her attention; say a hangnail, she becomes almost obsessive over it.  That's the single processing thing at work.  If it's irritating her, she can't just ignore it like you or I.  Additionally, she has trouble "resetting" herself.  When you get ready to do something different, your brain switches over to a new mode to accommodate the new activity.  This is especially true is you are going from something physical to something more mundane, or visa versa.  Little seems to have issues with self-regulation.  She needs to be "reset."  How a child "resets" or "organizes" themselves for a new activity has a lot to do w/the way in which your child learns best.  Different types of learners would include; visual, audio, etc...  Little is dependent on her proprioceptive system for learning.  She needs her muscles to "grease the wheels," so to speak, in order for her to retain and repeat things she's learned.  A classroom setting, isn't the best place for kids like her.  She's the type of kid, who you could shout out a list of items to while she's running & she can repeat them back to you.  Give her the same list while she's sitting on the floor or at a desk & not so much.   How does one fix this?  I don't know if you really fix it, so much as you try to find acceptable ways to help her reset/organize in a classroom setting.  We have been working with a sensory diet; lots of gum chewing. And have been utilizing "brushing."  I do think they both are helping, but they aren't completely resolving her issues.  We're at a place now, where she is "holding it together at school," but when she gets home, she completely loses her shit.  This part has been hard.  For several months, Little has attended school w/the early &  late birds; thus having a 4 hour day, instead of a 3 hour one.  At home, we've been working our butts off to help her; repetition, games, songs, etc... And she seems to be caught up now.  Her teacher suggested that after Spring Break, she should go back to a 3 hour day.  The problem is, she's not having issues at school, but she is having them at home.  I suspect after a month or so, of these 3 hour days, she will start to show signs of her problems again.  The mental part of this, is exhausting for her.  She wants so badly to "be & do good," she focuses all of her energy on it while at school.  (This is no small deal considering the kids in her class. That's a blog post in itself.)  When she gets home, she's shot.  She still has homework to do, so at some point, she acts out because she's overwhelmed & exhausted.  Yeah, it's been a bit rough.

Back in the Saddle

So I've been MIA for about a month here.  I actually wrote most of post about the stuff going on w/Little that I'm going to post here after this, but I wanted to address why I haven't posted.  At the end of the school year, Little's teacher & I got into it.  She felt that a question I asked her (via email,) was implying that I didn't approve of her way of teaching & choices in the classroom.  While, I don't think it was a big secret that I was disappointed about several things that were not done in Little's classroom, I did not ever complain to anyone outside of the classroom itself.  I had heard through the school grapevine, that Little's teacher & another one, had several complaints to the principal this year.  I suspect, she thought I was leading the witch hunt.  But, whatever, she sent me a severely snotty email, when I was asking if she she needed additional support on a subject.  Since I had just talked Little off the meltdown ledge for the second time that afternoon, her timing sucked.  I was freaking out about my kid being ready for next year and getting what she needed from the school.  I had offered to help, but instead saying, "no thank you," I was greeted w/accusations.  Her teacher made it into something about herself, when it always has been about my kid.

There was a meeting w/the the principal that ensued, and I'm sure I've somehow been labeled as "one of those moms," but eff them, I'm trying to make sure my kid is getting what she needs to be successful, and as I was seeing it, they were not doing that.  I was asked to step down as a room parent, (yes seriously,) and while I did write apology to the teacher explaining my state of mine at the time of my response, she never actually spoke or acknowledged me again.  (High school, much?)  I suspect that she was told not to by the administration.  But I'd be lying if I didn't admit it pissed me off that I worked my ass off for her all year and didn't even get a mention in the EOY thank you for help email. (After that, I decided that she could kiss my arce.  In my book, that was a total bitch maneuver.)

So the last couple of weeks were a bit more stressful than usual. (Ya think?)  And one day, last week of school I noticed that Big has no eyelashes.  My mom pointed out later that day that she has bald spots in her eyebrows.  At first, I thought they'd fallen out on their own.  I made the mistake of asking Dr. Google about that one.  After I got down w/my panic attack, I asked her if she's pulled them out herself or if they'd fallen out.  Turns out she'd done it.  It's called Trichotillomania and while some people who do it, do it absentmindedly, she goes into the bathroom and has been quite purposeful about it.  It's a compulsion, like nail biting or cutting.  And I'm terrified for her.  There have been a few recent episode of related to self-esteem issues that popped up at this time as well.  My guess is that she's picked up on the vibe of all the crap that was going down w/me and Little at the EOY & her anxiety came out this way.  I've talked w/her about it a few times, I don't want her to  know how scared I am for her.  When we've talked about it, I usually ask her a question about  it.  We'll talk about that part of it; like if you continue to do it, as some point they won't grow back.  And leave it at that.  I've asked her to come tell me when she feels like she needs to do it, and that I'll help her to try and find another way to address it.  And she's seeing a therapist now too.  Things seem to be going well on that front.  I suspect, she likes the fact that she she has something special that needs attention as well. I also think we won't really know how well things are going with her until school starts again. On Mondays, mom's carpool consists of taking Big to her appointment, then taking Little to her Occupational (OT) & Speech Therapy, (ST).  Then going back to get Big and driving back to get Little.  Yeah, it's a little hectic.
In all cases, neither of my kids is "bad enough" to qualify for help from the state.  So we are doing this all though private therapy groups.  As time moves on more and more, these groups won't deal directly w/the insurance companies.  We do have good insurance, 80-90% of this should be covered, but we have to pay upfront & submit the bills to be reimbursed.  (Good luck w/that.)  First round was kicked back bc they thought we had additional coverage from another company.  That has never been the case, so I can't imagine why they would think that.  That being said, we are outputting an additional $4K a month in doctors bills.  Yeah.  I try to keep a cushion in our bank account, but we actually almost bounced a couple payments this month.  So money is suddenly tight.
I realize that in the scope of things that couple be wrong w/my kids and our ability to deal deal with them, we are very lucky.  However, it the midst of all of this, it can be hard to be grateful.  I'm trying.  Someone needs to let my kids know that there is only one crisis allow at a time. I've been feeling very overwhelmed with all of this.  In my head, it was somehow less real if I didn't put it into words.  Last week, I was updating Big's therapist about some things via email & realized how cathartic it is for me to write it down.  As overwhelming, as it is to talk about it, it's  worse if I don't.  So now you're back up to speed more of less.  And hopefully, I'll be writing much more again.  I've missed you interwebs.  ;-)

Say What?...

 I wrote the following in the beginning of November.  I wanted to have a little more information about what was happening before I posted this.  Thing was, life happened; the holidays, etc... And this topic snowballed on us.  I'm finally coming up for air.  I debated about discussing this at all.  It's not my topic to discuss, really.  But, so much of my life has been consumed by this, if I intend to keep blogging I need to talk about it.  So, I'm going to post this now, so you can catch up to why my attendance on the interwebs has been so spotty.  I also think you should know, I'm sharing this from my perspective. My daughter's issues are not unique or earth shattering, but they have consumed us to a large degree these last several months.  I'm walking a fine line, trying to find our new "normal." Hang w/me & be patient, I can sure use the support...

-----------------------------------------

You might remember that LittleSpeak, (Little,) started kindergarten this year.  Or you may have been living under a rock.  ;-)  She's very pleased that she's finally at the same school as her sister.  While she's still somewhat annoyed that she doesn't get to have lunch or recess with the big kids, it's a start.  I also think she likes having a couple hours of mommy to herself every day still too.   Now, back in my day, kindergarten was more about learning social skills, art, music and your letters.  (Yeah, I'm old, I get it.)  At some point in the last 35 years, or so, kindergarten has become really focused on reading.  Yeah, there are kids who haven't had a bit of pre-school and don't know their alphabet, but by March they are ALL reading.  BigSpeak's class included.
I've previously mentioned that several members of my family has had learning disabilities, myself included.  Some were/are quite obvious; I can't spell phonetically, because I can't hear the difference between certain sounds.  I do have an impressive memory, which is how I managed this little problem.  Every word I know how to spell is from memory.  Spell check would've made my life much easier, but I was born w/the dinosaurs, so yeah that.  I had a few other issues, but that's the one that still plagues me.  Some of the issues other family members have dealt with were not as obvious, but could quite easily delay your ability to move forward in school.  Those of us who have been affected, have developed coping mechanisms and/or have gotten help.  With that in mind, there have been a few clues that Little may have an "issue" or two in this area.  We were actually going to have her tested last year, but decided to wait till after the holidays and then the thing that was making me wonder, (blended sounds, or her lack of ability with them, at all,)  seemed like it might be resolving itself.  We decided to wait and see if just being in kindergarten would work things out.  If you know Little, she is not going to do anything unless she decides to do it.  She wasn't all that inclined to write her letters or really be read to before this school year, but I knew when her kindergarten teacher told her she needed to do it, she would.  (She has loved to "read" for a long time, but she wants to do it herself.  So will sit in her bed "reading" or looking at the pictures.  There's merit to this type of reading too.)

A few weeks ago, Little told me she went w/Mrs. S, (teacher's aide,) and the reading group that day.  She was very pleased that she had been picked to go.  I know from Big's last several years that Mrs. S is the aide who comes into the class and works with kids who are having trouble keeping up, specifically in reading.   I was a bit surprised when Little told me, and thought maybe Mrs. S works w/other groups of children as well.  I asked Little who else was in her group and the names she gave me were the kids who were behind in reading skills. And suddenly, red lights were flashing in my brain.  Uh, oh.  The next morning at drop-off, Little's teacher mentioned that she had not gotten to tell me that she'd sent Little w/the reading group, I told her Little had mentioned it and I would send her an email.  "We need to talk." I covered the family history and previous concerns we've had w/Little & mentioned that I realize she won't even qualify to be tested at the school.  (Your kid has to have some pretty major issues for the school to instigate the testing.)  But that we also know that if there are problems the sooner we address them the better.  Little's teacher immediately called me back & asked for a conference before school the next day.  (Now, I had red lights & sirens going off in my head.)...

The conference detailed that Little supposedly only knew 4 letters/sounds, (not true, she has 5 letters in her name, and I know she knows them.) She didn't know her sight words, (also news to me, she seems to know them at home).  She was having a really hard time staying focused, not just because she was busy paying attention to everyone else; but also when they were sitting on the floor discussing things on the board.  She would "tune-out." (That doesn't sound like Little AT ALL.)  I shared our family history and more details of issues for which we were concerned.  (Speech related stuff.) "She's too articulate and social to qualify to even be tested by the school."  Yeah, that's the crock of shite I was handed.  So we had her tested privately.  I'll detail that part of the adventure next.

I'm A Slut, How About You?

I know I've been MIA for a month.  That's because I'm getting better, but as I add things I can do to my list I find exhaustion in the evenings.  Not even enough energy to eat dinner some nights.  It's a good problem, I agree.  I'll detail more in the near future, but for now, THIS, (see below,) is high enough on my list that I feel the need to write the following.

 If you don't agree, lucky us we live in a country that allows us to agree to disagree.  But I live in a world where I tell my kids that bullying is not to be tolerated.  So, I'm tired of telling my kid one thing and In Real Life (IRL,) it's totally not the way things are.  I read this article today and I totally agree w/the author; we need to the get out the slut vote.

I'm thinking it's time to embrace our "slutiness." I think we need to make shirts hats & pins that say, " I'm a Slut!" in small letters below, "I support womens' reproductive rights!" I want see these on EVERYONE! Men, women, girls , boys, babies, grandparents, etc... I think it's time to show the ultra-conservatives that we aren't about to be bullied, and our numbers are many. We are the silent majority. But we're sick of their crap.  We're silent because we're busy living our lives; carting around our kids to soccer practice and dance lessons.  We're helping our kids w/their science projects and trying to find out if these organic strawberries are locally farmed.  And we're not popping out babies every other year, or maybe we are, but it's a choice we have, because modern  medicine has evened the playing field for us.  We can plan or families or NOT.  We have CHOICES!  This is because we live in a great country, one that I was brought up to believe takes care of it's own and helps those that are less fortunate.  The nature of politics has become, "We disagree, so I'm right, you're wrong and now I'm going to make it personal, to draw attention away from your arguments,"  Tell you what, I'll stay out of your Viagra conversations Rush, if you stay out of my birth control rights.  It's none of your damn business if I decide to have 2 kids or 12.  And it's none of my business if you have issues that require you to go to the bathroom 12 times a night or need to take something to "finish the job."  Because we're adults and adults respect each others' space.  Being adults, also means we don't call names or try and shame each other into one another person's ideals.  As adults, we're supposed to be respectful and debate on subjects of which we might disagree.  Maybe you missed that day at school, Rush.  I hate the idea that you're getting press time over this, but if the end result is that your voice is pulled from the airwaves, then I'll shout it from the mountain tops!  So back off, Rush.  Us sluts? Quite a few of us are mom's, and there's a lot of us.  You do NOT want us to pull the Mama Bear on you.  There's a reason it's Mama Bear & not Daddy.