Today I'm in a really weird mood. I've been wanting to write, but have been really busy & not able to stop to get the words typed. (Course, I could cut into my Twitter time & maybe make a post happen, but that's an awful lot of effort on my part.) Today, I'm sick. We were suppose to be in Tahoe this weekend w/my bro's family & my 'rents, but yesterday Big & I came down w/a fever. Hers seems better today. Mine is decidedly worse. I woke up multiple times last night covered in sweat. My guess is that I was running a fever and it broke (several times). That or I just got grossed out by myself, even in my sleep. (It could happen.) This morning my temp is still high. You can tell by touch. Also, by the fact that any time I move, I get aches in the muscles I use (yes, my fingers are achy in the typing of this. That's dedication folks!) and I get the chills within a few minutes. The net result of this is I can lie in bed & type w/out feeling too bad. As long as I take a break every few minutes. My brain, however, is going a million miles a minute. Having been forced into rest, my brain has caught up and passed my physical self. It's longing for things to do, to be distracted by. Facebook and Twitter aren't cutting it. Perhaps, because everyone else in the world is OUTSIDE in the beautiful sunshine we are having for the first time this year. Perhaps.
I've got weird things running through my brain today. Maybe I dreamed about them? Not sure. I write a few sentences & then go read Twitter or Facebook. My reason for this blog post has changed 12 times already. At this point, I'm pretty sure what I should write is that I'm feeling a bit ADD & manic today. Just my brain, my physical self is shaky, dizzy, weak and feverish, if I move around too much. But mentally: manic, very, very manic. It's actually very much how my life has felt in general lately only more on the down side. I'm tired all the time. Right now, I feel like I have a ton of energy, I just can't use it. I suspect I've lost most of you by now. I'm pretty sure my writing is a bouncy as my brain is feeling right now. If I haven't lost you, you should really consider seeing a shrink or something. I hear they have drugs for that.
I think what's going to happen is that I'm going to write several posts that are bouncing around in my head and I'll actually post them over the next couple weeks. There's your warning. None of the things I'm thinking seem to be connected in any way, shape or form. Putting them out today or over a period of weeks probably won't make them make sense either, but maybe. Perhaps, the take away from all of this is, I need to go see my doctor. Or I need to get well enough to go hang outside & enjoy some vitamin D.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
cake -Blast from the past.
cake
Originally uploaded by Jill McElroy
OMG! I found this going through an old file. I didn't even remember this photo. But those EYES! How could I have forgotten it? (She still eats like this BTW.)
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Honest to a Fault
While I admitted in my last post, I was having a tantrum & being a spoiled brat, it doesn't make me feel any better about it when I read it. The problem is that I need to write on a regular basis to prevent my little meltdowns. I haven't been doing that and the result, she wasn't pretty.
What happend was that during Thanksgiving I was outed. Not in a, "my mom friended me on Facebook" way. (She did that a long time ago.) More in a, "someone read my Twitter stream history and then reported one of my meltdowns to the poor victim with whom I was laying blame," kind of way. That person, (the victim,) apologized to me for what happened. It doesn't really matter what it was, because 1) it wasn't really something that was a big deal and 2) it isn't that important to this conversation. What does matter is that I looked and felt like numero uno assh***. The person who read the message had taken a 140 character moment of frustration and now turned it into so much more. While what I wrote might have been true, it wasn't something I would've said to the other person, as it would have served no purpose other than to be hurtful. In having it said to that person after the fact, I'm sure that person's feelings were quite hurt. At the time, I wasn't even sure what they were talking about, that's how quick of a vent that stupid message was. And, to be honest, I was just as pissed at myself as the other person, thus the venting. I'm actually annoyed with the person who found it and told them. Maybe that's me still being an ass, but if they had thought about it they would have realized that repeating it to them was nothing but mean. If they had issue with me, then the reader should have come to me and said something.
Given the circumstances would I have written that again? At first I would have told you, "No." I have felt awful that I hurt that person's feelings. It was me spouting off to my friends. It wasn't meant to be repeated. I'm sure we've all done that, and quite a few of us have been caught from time to time. I feel like the person who repeated it was somewhat mean spirited in doing so. Yes, I said it, and I will own that I said it. But, when it was repeated, it was taken out of context which made it come across as much bigger deal. That being said, I've been a bit torn about my writing, and how it affects those around me. My reaction has been to stay away because I didn't want to hurt anyone else. In hindsight, I think that was a mistake.
I started writing this blog for me. It's supposed to be a record of who I am in these days when my children are small. This is in hope that it will give them some insight into decisions I've made during this time. It's also a place for me to air my grievances, (vent my frustrations,) when I need to. I need to have a forum like this to keep me sane. This last month, ending with the accumulation of my meltdown is a prime example of why I need to write. So, while I agree with you if you find me a bit of a spoiled brat, it doesn't matter. This brat needs to be a brat on here, so I can carry on in the real world.
What happend was that during Thanksgiving I was outed. Not in a, "my mom friended me on Facebook" way. (She did that a long time ago.) More in a, "someone read my Twitter stream history and then reported one of my meltdowns to the poor victim with whom I was laying blame," kind of way. That person, (the victim,) apologized to me for what happened. It doesn't really matter what it was, because 1) it wasn't really something that was a big deal and 2) it isn't that important to this conversation. What does matter is that I looked and felt like numero uno assh***. The person who read the message had taken a 140 character moment of frustration and now turned it into so much more. While what I wrote might have been true, it wasn't something I would've said to the other person, as it would have served no purpose other than to be hurtful. In having it said to that person after the fact, I'm sure that person's feelings were quite hurt. At the time, I wasn't even sure what they were talking about, that's how quick of a vent that stupid message was. And, to be honest, I was just as pissed at myself as the other person, thus the venting. I'm actually annoyed with the person who found it and told them. Maybe that's me still being an ass, but if they had thought about it they would have realized that repeating it to them was nothing but mean. If they had issue with me, then the reader should have come to me and said something.
Given the circumstances would I have written that again? At first I would have told you, "No." I have felt awful that I hurt that person's feelings. It was me spouting off to my friends. It wasn't meant to be repeated. I'm sure we've all done that, and quite a few of us have been caught from time to time. I feel like the person who repeated it was somewhat mean spirited in doing so. Yes, I said it, and I will own that I said it. But, when it was repeated, it was taken out of context which made it come across as much bigger deal. That being said, I've been a bit torn about my writing, and how it affects those around me. My reaction has been to stay away because I didn't want to hurt anyone else. In hindsight, I think that was a mistake.
I started writing this blog for me. It's supposed to be a record of who I am in these days when my children are small. This is in hope that it will give them some insight into decisions I've made during this time. It's also a place for me to air my grievances, (vent my frustrations,) when I need to. I need to have a forum like this to keep me sane. This last month, ending with the accumulation of my meltdown is a prime example of why I need to write. So, while I agree with you if you find me a bit of a spoiled brat, it doesn't matter. This brat needs to be a brat on here, so I can carry on in the real world.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Over Done, Merry Effing X-mas
I'm over done.
I'm sort of in the middle of a tantrum of my own, I guess, but I've been bottling up all these feelings for some time now (why I haven't written) and now they've accumulated till there's no more room for them.
I'm feeling overwhelmed as we're dealing with the third round of lice in the girls. I literally spent my entire day yesterday and today, treating the girls & brushing them out. I haven't even done the whole wipe down, clean out the whole house thing because I just can't wrap my head around it. But it's hanging over my head that I need to do it, or I will be dealing with round #4 of this, at which point I'm considering fire bombing the damn house.
Yesterday, we did Christmas gifts w/my family. The girls were thrilled, as they received what they were hoping Santa would bring, (American Girl dolls,) but from my parents. Honestly, that's really all I care about, that they're happy. But, I'd be lying if I didn't admit I was left feeling like a major afterthought. For some reason, my mom decided that I would like what my SIL wanted for Christmas. So, pretty much, she gave me duplicates to what she bought my SIL. My SIL & I don't buy for each other, so haven't seen her list. I'm assuming that she wanted the things we were given. Maybe she's thinking the same thing as me. What I do know, is that of the presents I received, 3 were things I already had, and 1 was something I won't use. I don't want to sound ungrateful, and I know that's how this is sounding, it's just another straw added to my stress level, and the camel's back broke ages ago. It just made me feel like crap. Several years ago my family created electronic lists, so there was no question as to what people wanted for birthdays & Christmas. I updated my list, but no one seems to have actually looked at it. OK, that's not true, I did get a bathrobe (from my parents,) I wanted for my birthday. But otherwise, no. My husband got me a outdoor light for my birthday, no, I did NOT ask for it. I mentioned this summer when we had the house painted, that now we needed a new light & mailbox for the porch. I did not put it on any personal lists. I did not consider it something that I would've give to my husband as a gift, as it's something for the house, not the person. Now, my folks have joined the foray with their effort at Christmas, and it just made me feel like crap.
Yes, I'm totally having a pity party. Yes, I'm being a baby & throwing a tantrum of sorts. I get it, I need to put on my big girl panties and move on. It's just been a nonstop barrage of Fibro symptoms, and fire drills (read: lice infestation) and I'm feeling very over worked, overwhelmed and under appreciated. I know much of this is an emotional reaction to the lack of sleep & pain I'm dealing with, but it doesn't make me want to cry any less just because I know the rational side of what's wrong with me.
Tonight, when DaddySpeak got home early from work, I suggested we get Subway & go see the lights in the park in Los Gatos. Yes, it will be a long line, but we're free tonight & the girls would like it. He said no. He said it was because sitting in the car like that is bad for my back, but I know the real truth is that he hates being in the car like that. He can say what he wants, but that's the truth and he knows it. I was in the middle of my FOUR HOUR hair routine w/the girls at the time, so him coming in and telling me I'm doing it wrong didn't improve my mood so much either. I told him to knock himself out & finish, so he did. When done, he wanted to know what was up for dinner. I told him I had put forth my suggestion & been shot down, so he could do it. I did suggest some food I had in the kitchen, but the girls wanted pizza and worked him over. I'm supposed to be getting on my low carb diet which, is sort of a joke, (I've been stress eating so much chocolate, I'm pretty sure I've gained all the weight back I just lost,) but I opted out. So they went out to dinner. I'm sure they were probably relieved to get away from me. I'm such a freaking bitch right now, I wouldn't want to be around me either.
So I'm going to go frolic with all the last min shoppers & see if I can't get my ass run over in a mall parking lot or something, because, clearly I hate myself. (Why else would one go shopping tonight?) I have a couple last minute things I need to get for the girls and him. Not deal breakers, but things I haven't been able to get because of sick kids, sick me, and now school's out.
I'm sort of in the middle of a tantrum of my own, I guess, but I've been bottling up all these feelings for some time now (why I haven't written) and now they've accumulated till there's no more room for them.
I'm feeling overwhelmed as we're dealing with the third round of lice in the girls. I literally spent my entire day yesterday and today, treating the girls & brushing them out. I haven't even done the whole wipe down, clean out the whole house thing because I just can't wrap my head around it. But it's hanging over my head that I need to do it, or I will be dealing with round #4 of this, at which point I'm considering fire bombing the damn house.
Yesterday, we did Christmas gifts w/my family. The girls were thrilled, as they received what they were hoping Santa would bring, (American Girl dolls,) but from my parents. Honestly, that's really all I care about, that they're happy. But, I'd be lying if I didn't admit I was left feeling like a major afterthought. For some reason, my mom decided that I would like what my SIL wanted for Christmas. So, pretty much, she gave me duplicates to what she bought my SIL. My SIL & I don't buy for each other, so haven't seen her list. I'm assuming that she wanted the things we were given. Maybe she's thinking the same thing as me. What I do know, is that of the presents I received, 3 were things I already had, and 1 was something I won't use. I don't want to sound ungrateful, and I know that's how this is sounding, it's just another straw added to my stress level, and the camel's back broke ages ago. It just made me feel like crap. Several years ago my family created electronic lists, so there was no question as to what people wanted for birthdays & Christmas. I updated my list, but no one seems to have actually looked at it. OK, that's not true, I did get a bathrobe (from my parents,) I wanted for my birthday. But otherwise, no. My husband got me a outdoor light for my birthday, no, I did NOT ask for it. I mentioned this summer when we had the house painted, that now we needed a new light & mailbox for the porch. I did not put it on any personal lists. I did not consider it something that I would've give to my husband as a gift, as it's something for the house, not the person. Now, my folks have joined the foray with their effort at Christmas, and it just made me feel like crap.
Yes, I'm totally having a pity party. Yes, I'm being a baby & throwing a tantrum of sorts. I get it, I need to put on my big girl panties and move on. It's just been a nonstop barrage of Fibro symptoms, and fire drills (read: lice infestation) and I'm feeling very over worked, overwhelmed and under appreciated. I know much of this is an emotional reaction to the lack of sleep & pain I'm dealing with, but it doesn't make me want to cry any less just because I know the rational side of what's wrong with me.
Tonight, when DaddySpeak got home early from work, I suggested we get Subway & go see the lights in the park in Los Gatos. Yes, it will be a long line, but we're free tonight & the girls would like it. He said no. He said it was because sitting in the car like that is bad for my back, but I know the real truth is that he hates being in the car like that. He can say what he wants, but that's the truth and he knows it. I was in the middle of my FOUR HOUR hair routine w/the girls at the time, so him coming in and telling me I'm doing it wrong didn't improve my mood so much either. I told him to knock himself out & finish, so he did. When done, he wanted to know what was up for dinner. I told him I had put forth my suggestion & been shot down, so he could do it. I did suggest some food I had in the kitchen, but the girls wanted pizza and worked him over. I'm supposed to be getting on my low carb diet which, is sort of a joke, (I've been stress eating so much chocolate, I'm pretty sure I've gained all the weight back I just lost,) but I opted out. So they went out to dinner. I'm sure they were probably relieved to get away from me. I'm such a freaking bitch right now, I wouldn't want to be around me either.
So I'm going to go frolic with all the last min shoppers & see if I can't get my ass run over in a mall parking lot or something, because, clearly I hate myself. (Why else would one go shopping tonight?) I have a couple last minute things I need to get for the girls and him. Not deal breakers, but things I haven't been able to get because of sick kids, sick me, and now school's out.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Zooming
My brain is racing right now. Spinning doesn't begin to cover how I'm feeling. Gawd, I can't wrap my head around this, even though I've discussed with w/DaddySpeak (DS) and already know the answer. Well, basically know the answer. SEE! That's the problem. For some reason, my brain seems to think there's more to this than what I already know. I think it's my heart, screwing w/my head.
You're probably going to laugh at me. Or call me names. Imply I'm living through my kid. But I'm not. I even asked DS if he thought I was and he at least had to courtesy to lie if he thought I was doing that.
Part of it is that options presented themselves. Options I had no idea existed. Things I thought were off the table completely, so the decision was really made for us. This week, I found out some of those options exist for her and now my head is ZOOMING!
You know Big plays soccer. She's actually turned out to be a good player. She's on a good team. If you remember, I was really nervous about her being on this team because they're so good. Neither DS or I were particularly good at "team" sports. We weren't awful, but neither of us were first choice when teams got picked is what I'm saying. (Actually, that's not entirely true. I was a RAWKN kickball pitcher & always picked first or second for that game. That means my "sports career" pretty much peaked in 5th grade.) So anywho, this season their team went undefeated. Woot! Last season we came in second. Pretty much it's Big's team and this one other one, Team M that are the best teams in our league. Both are basically teams from Big's school.
Next year/season is when the girls are old enough to try out for "comp" (competitive) soccer. Big's good, but she not one of the team's stars. I would say the biggest issue she has is that she needs to be more aggressive, kind of a big issue for a competitive league. We are also aware of the horror stories about comp soccer; parents & coaches that are all about their child scoring goals/wins, traveling up and down the state for games, high-costs, etc.... Basically I'm saying that comp soccer isn't really on our radar screen. So....the coach's daughter is going to try out for comp for this Spring. She will make it, so our team is out a coach. Really, about half the team seems to plan to try out for comp. We haven't really been sure what will happen next year w/the team. Big wants to play softball for Spring and that's fine. Well it was fine. I've been saying all along, "It's too bad there isn't some way we can't take the whole team comp together." (Comp tryouts place you on a team based on that teams need & your players abilities.) A couple days ago, I got an email indicating that the team going comp together has become a possibility. We would all still have to try out, but it would be a new team and the foundation would consist primarily of players from our team and the other really good team from our league. Our current coach would be one of the coaches on this team. That news, in of itself would not have warranted much thought, except for this second thing: Big has been scouted. I know!!!! Who would've thunk???!!! Did you know they even scouted kids as young as SEVEN??? Well they do. When I first got the the email related to this news I assumed it was a form letter sent to the whole team. I figured our team & maybe a few of the other top teams in our league all probably got them. Well, I thought wrong. In a conversation w/the coach's wife (she's going to coach a softball team this season,) I mentioned the letter. We discussing scheduling and such. She asked me to clarify the letter, which I did. She informed me that only 6 girls from the team received this letter. WhatyoutalkingboutWillis? No, this does not at all indicate that Big would be picked to play on a comp team. No, this is not the comp team or league her current coach would be coaching. But just the fact that Mah Kid Haz Skillzz is blowing me out of the water. Look, it's not like I don't think my kid is a good player, because I do. I totally do! I just assumed that my view is a little skewed, being that she is my kid and all. This letter told me, no it wasn't just me. She may or may not be a great player and no she isn't the team "star", but she does has something that someone who knows about these things noticed. That is no small thing.
Why is my head spinning about this then? Well, Big wants to play softball this spring. She has made that very clear. Tryouts for this comp soccer team are yearly in Dec. I feel like she has her best chance to make the team if she gets in on the ground floor. Now. I know a lot of what she likes about playing is related to her team; the girls and the coaches. Most of her friends and coaches are going to be doing this comp team and will most likely be able to stay together. I think if she doesn't do this now, in a year or sooner, she will be disappointed. With a different coach I'm not sure she'll continue to develop as well. I'm just so torn. I wonder if I should push a little to see if I can get her to try out, see how she likes it. She can always quit later, right? But at the same time, I don't want to be the mom who is pushing too hard.
I just feel like she's got a really unique opportunity here. I think this opportunity will probably not be there for her if she let's it pass her by right now. But I don't know how to convey that to her. It's her decision, I just don't know how to explain all the cards that are in her hand. THAT is why my head is spinning.
_____________________
No, I have not, nor will I be informing her about the scout letter. I want her to play because she wants to. I just really want her to want this I guess.
You're probably going to laugh at me. Or call me names. Imply I'm living through my kid. But I'm not. I even asked DS if he thought I was and he at least had to courtesy to lie if he thought I was doing that.
Part of it is that options presented themselves. Options I had no idea existed. Things I thought were off the table completely, so the decision was really made for us. This week, I found out some of those options exist for her and now my head is ZOOMING!
You know Big plays soccer. She's actually turned out to be a good player. She's on a good team. If you remember, I was really nervous about her being on this team because they're so good. Neither DS or I were particularly good at "team" sports. We weren't awful, but neither of us were first choice when teams got picked is what I'm saying. (Actually, that's not entirely true. I was a RAWKN kickball pitcher & always picked first or second for that game. That means my "sports career" pretty much peaked in 5th grade.) So anywho, this season their team went undefeated. Woot! Last season we came in second. Pretty much it's Big's team and this one other one, Team M that are the best teams in our league. Both are basically teams from Big's school.Next year/season is when the girls are old enough to try out for "comp" (competitive) soccer. Big's good, but she not one of the team's stars. I would say the biggest issue she has is that she needs to be more aggressive, kind of a big issue for a competitive league. We are also aware of the horror stories about comp soccer; parents & coaches that are all about their child scoring goals/wins, traveling up and down the state for games, high-costs, etc.... Basically I'm saying that comp soccer isn't really on our radar screen. So....the coach's daughter is going to try out for comp for this Spring. She will make it, so our team is out a coach. Really, about half the team seems to plan to try out for comp. We haven't really been sure what will happen next year w/the team. Big wants to play softball for Spring and that's fine. Well it was fine. I've been saying all along, "It's too bad there isn't some way we can't take the whole team comp together." (Comp tryouts place you on a team based on that teams need & your players abilities.) A couple days ago, I got an email indicating that the team going comp together has become a possibility. We would all still have to try out, but it would be a new team and the foundation would consist primarily of players from our team and the other really good team from our league. Our current coach would be one of the coaches on this team. That news, in of itself would not have warranted much thought, except for this second thing: Big has been scouted. I know!!!! Who would've thunk???!!! Did you know they even scouted kids as young as SEVEN??? Well they do. When I first got the the email related to this news I assumed it was a form letter sent to the whole team. I figured our team & maybe a few of the other top teams in our league all probably got them. Well, I thought wrong. In a conversation w/the coach's wife (she's going to coach a softball team this season,) I mentioned the letter. We discussing scheduling and such. She asked me to clarify the letter, which I did. She informed me that only 6 girls from the team received this letter. WhatyoutalkingboutWillis? No, this does not at all indicate that Big would be picked to play on a comp team. No, this is not the comp team or league her current coach would be coaching. But just the fact that Mah Kid Haz Skillzz is blowing me out of the water. Look, it's not like I don't think my kid is a good player, because I do. I totally do! I just assumed that my view is a little skewed, being that she is my kid and all. This letter told me, no it wasn't just me. She may or may not be a great player and no she isn't the team "star", but she does has something that someone who knows about these things noticed. That is no small thing.
Why is my head spinning about this then? Well, Big wants to play softball this spring. She has made that very clear. Tryouts for this comp soccer team are yearly in Dec. I feel like she has her best chance to make the team if she gets in on the ground floor. Now. I know a lot of what she likes about playing is related to her team; the girls and the coaches. Most of her friends and coaches are going to be doing this comp team and will most likely be able to stay together. I think if she doesn't do this now, in a year or sooner, she will be disappointed. With a different coach I'm not sure she'll continue to develop as well. I'm just so torn. I wonder if I should push a little to see if I can get her to try out, see how she likes it. She can always quit later, right? But at the same time, I don't want to be the mom who is pushing too hard.
I just feel like she's got a really unique opportunity here. I think this opportunity will probably not be there for her if she let's it pass her by right now. But I don't know how to convey that to her. It's her decision, I just don't know how to explain all the cards that are in her hand. THAT is why my head is spinning.
_____________________
No, I have not, nor will I be informing her about the scout letter. I want her to play because she wants to. I just really want her to want this I guess.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
How I know I'm done having kids
NSFSBV
Not Safe For Sue Bob Viewing
Two weeks ago a good friend asked if we'd watch her almost 3yo twins for the day. They were going away for 4 days & she had the rest of the time covered, but needed someone to watch them the first day, all day. I said, "No problem" The twins, especially Girl Twin, adores Big & Little. We play with them more or less once a week, so they know us well. Also, when I've been in a crunch, their mom has watched Little for me, more times than I probably know, so I owe her, if nothing else.
The twins have started pre-school and are more or less potty trained. (I know, they aren't even three yet!) She gave us the heads up on the potty situation (Girl had gone, Boy had not, neither had pooped yet.) Kids started playing & everything was more or less fine. After about an hour, I remembered that they should probably try to go. At the mere mention of the word bathroom (or anything remotely related to it,) Girl Twin would curl into the fetal position and start crying. She wouldn't say anything. She'd just lay down in a fetal position and cry. Um, yeah. "Okay, you let us know when you need to go honey." Boy twin said he didn't have to go yet. "Well then, let's all go play outside!" About 10 min later Boy twin decides he has to go. So DaddySpeak and I both escort him to the bathroom. I'm suddenly stymied. Does he stand up or sit down? I look at DS, "How would I know?"
"I don't know, you're a guy, you have more experience with this than me, what do you think?"
He looks at me blankly.
I make the executive call and determine, he's "just" potty trained, he's not even three, so he MUST sit down. Right? Right? (He's not tall enough to pee standing up, right?) I plop him on the toilet seat, (of course, we don't have a smaller seat that goes over it, or a potty chair anymore, that would be too easy). I "tuck his junk" and sort of step back. I don't really step back, so much as straiten up. You know, big seat, small bum, could be pretty traumatic if he fell in, so I wanted to be there to grab him, just in case. Next thing I know, he's pulled it out and is peeing. Not in the toilet. Noooooo. He's peeing all over the wall across from the toilet. "But how?" you ask, since I was standing in front of him. Well, luckily I had my legs spread apart, so yes, he was peeing on the wall, shooting it between! my! legs! (Dude, I can't make this shit up!) Just to complete the visual for you, Boy twin, he was laughing while he was doing it too. I yelp, but can't move, because I'll get peed on. I look to the door where DS was standing and HE'S GONE! I yell for him, because I don't know what to do at this point. In the meantime, Boy twin is going, going, going... (and laughing, laughing, laughing,) remember he'd been holding it for a couple hours before this. DS shows up and is yelling and laughing. Pee's running down the wall, all over the floor (THANK BABY JEBUS I had on shoes for a change!) and it's running down the heating vent on the floor next to me. Special, I know. So, not a drop in the toilet, not a drop on Boy twin, but all over bathroom wall and floor. DS got the wet vac and went to town after. Luckily, we hadn't cleaned out the vents yet from summer (heater's been turned off). There was a thin layer of lint & pet hair that "caught" most of what went in the vent. So, no, the bathroom did NOT smell of nastiness when the heater did get turned on.
Twins 1 - Speaks 0
After we finished that adventure, I had some errands I had to run. DS said they would all be fine. All the kids were playing in the backyard. We'd tried to get Girl twin to use the potty again with similar results. Yes, we did try to get Big & Little Speak to coax her, she wasn't having it. Fetal position, ground & tears. While I was gone, DS noticed Girl twin suddenly beeline for the corner of the yard. He realized she couldn't hold it any longer, but she was too fast for him. When he got to her she had already peed herself. When I came home, both of the twins were on their second set of clothes, and it wasn't even lunch time yet.
Twins 2 - Speaks 0
It was around this time, I realized, I am done having kids. I love babies. I mean I LOVE babies. I want another baby. When I smell new baby smell my ovaries ache. I mean it, they ache. I swear I spontaneously ovulate right then and there. But I do NOT and can NOT handle a toddler again. No way. It'll be the death of me I'm sure.
Not Safe For Sue Bob Viewing
Two weeks ago a good friend asked if we'd watch her almost 3yo twins for the day. They were going away for 4 days & she had the rest of the time covered, but needed someone to watch them the first day, all day. I said, "No problem" The twins, especially Girl Twin, adores Big & Little. We play with them more or less once a week, so they know us well. Also, when I've been in a crunch, their mom has watched Little for me, more times than I probably know, so I owe her, if nothing else.
The twins have started pre-school and are more or less potty trained. (I know, they aren't even three yet!) She gave us the heads up on the potty situation (Girl had gone, Boy had not, neither had pooped yet.) Kids started playing & everything was more or less fine. After about an hour, I remembered that they should probably try to go. At the mere mention of the word bathroom (or anything remotely related to it,) Girl Twin would curl into the fetal position and start crying. She wouldn't say anything. She'd just lay down in a fetal position and cry. Um, yeah. "Okay, you let us know when you need to go honey." Boy twin said he didn't have to go yet. "Well then, let's all go play outside!" About 10 min later Boy twin decides he has to go. So DaddySpeak and I both escort him to the bathroom. I'm suddenly stymied. Does he stand up or sit down? I look at DS, "How would I know?"
"I don't know, you're a guy, you have more experience with this than me, what do you think?"
He looks at me blankly.
I make the executive call and determine, he's "just" potty trained, he's not even three, so he MUST sit down. Right? Right? (He's not tall enough to pee standing up, right?) I plop him on the toilet seat, (of course, we don't have a smaller seat that goes over it, or a potty chair anymore, that would be too easy). I "tuck his junk" and sort of step back. I don't really step back, so much as straiten up. You know, big seat, small bum, could be pretty traumatic if he fell in, so I wanted to be there to grab him, just in case. Next thing I know, he's pulled it out and is peeing. Not in the toilet. Noooooo. He's peeing all over the wall across from the toilet. "But how?" you ask, since I was standing in front of him. Well, luckily I had my legs spread apart, so yes, he was peeing on the wall, shooting it between! my! legs! (Dude, I can't make this shit up!) Just to complete the visual for you, Boy twin, he was laughing while he was doing it too. I yelp, but can't move, because I'll get peed on. I look to the door where DS was standing and HE'S GONE! I yell for him, because I don't know what to do at this point. In the meantime, Boy twin is going, going, going... (and laughing, laughing, laughing,) remember he'd been holding it for a couple hours before this. DS shows up and is yelling and laughing. Pee's running down the wall, all over the floor (THANK BABY JEBUS I had on shoes for a change!) and it's running down the heating vent on the floor next to me. Special, I know. So, not a drop in the toilet, not a drop on Boy twin, but all over bathroom wall and floor. DS got the wet vac and went to town after. Luckily, we hadn't cleaned out the vents yet from summer (heater's been turned off). There was a thin layer of lint & pet hair that "caught" most of what went in the vent. So, no, the bathroom did NOT smell of nastiness when the heater did get turned on.
Twins 1 - Speaks 0
After we finished that adventure, I had some errands I had to run. DS said they would all be fine. All the kids were playing in the backyard. We'd tried to get Girl twin to use the potty again with similar results. Yes, we did try to get Big & Little Speak to coax her, she wasn't having it. Fetal position, ground & tears. While I was gone, DS noticed Girl twin suddenly beeline for the corner of the yard. He realized she couldn't hold it any longer, but she was too fast for him. When he got to her she had already peed herself. When I came home, both of the twins were on their second set of clothes, and it wasn't even lunch time yet.
Twins 2 - Speaks 0
It was around this time, I realized, I am done having kids. I love babies. I mean I LOVE babies. I want another baby. When I smell new baby smell my ovaries ache. I mean it, they ache. I swear I spontaneously ovulate right then and there. But I do NOT and can NOT handle a toddler again. No way. It'll be the death of me I'm sure.
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
Fibro
I try to tell myself I'm just overdoing it. I'm run down from being sick. I'm getting sick. Aunt Flo's about to visit. I can think of TONS of reasons why I feel so run down, tired, achy, headachey, etc... My reality is that my Fibro seems to be coming out of remission. I don't want to admit that. The idea of it, is depressing on it's own. There have been lots of hints, some little (trouble sleeping,) some big, (migraines). When you look at all of it, it adds up to Fibro. I went to the doctor this week for my migraines. He was very excited because he has this "wonder drug" for me. "I'm going to kick myself for not coming for help sooner." I hope he's right. But when he found out I have Fibro, and that this might be linked he had lots of questions. Good questions. It's almost weird, the turn around from, even just a few years ago, when doctors looked at you suspiciously if you told them you had Fibro. He knew a lot about symptoms, and what to ask. He believed the migraines are linked to my hormones and my Fibro, but thinks this "wonder drug" will really help. Incidentally, while I was there, I got a migraine. So I got to try this "wonder drug" right away. It did seem to help, not exactly the way he said it would, but I'm headache free 24 hours later, so we'll see.
He was also very concerned about my sleep issues. Oh did I neglet to mention those? Yeah, my body is suddenly on the swing shift. Seriously, it's like someone has fliped a switch and I can't turn off after around 9-10 at night. Suddenly, it's 3 AM and I'm still NOT TIRED! I almost feel bipolar about it, I'm so awake. But, you know, kids have to get up at 7, so I'm shot when I have to get up with them. The sleep I am getting has been tense. I wake up w/a sore face/jaw/head from clenching my jaw all night. I'm also getting next to no REM, which is the typical sleep pattern for people with Fibro. He gave me a low-dose anti-depressant to help with my sleep. It's something I've been on before, so hopefully it will be helpful this time as well.
I'm depressed. I'm tired. I have a lot of medical symptoms going on. But I don't want to whine, so that's why I haven't written about it. Alright, to be honest, if I wrote about it, it made it real. I don't want it back. I want the nice, normal, active life I've started to have these last few months. But I do realize I need to ask for help and try to stop this before it gets out of hand. Now that I have kids, I don't have luxury of letting it get the best of me. I just don't.
He was also very concerned about my sleep issues. Oh did I neglet to mention those? Yeah, my body is suddenly on the swing shift. Seriously, it's like someone has fliped a switch and I can't turn off after around 9-10 at night. Suddenly, it's 3 AM and I'm still NOT TIRED! I almost feel bipolar about it, I'm so awake. But, you know, kids have to get up at 7, so I'm shot when I have to get up with them. The sleep I am getting has been tense. I wake up w/a sore face/jaw/head from clenching my jaw all night. I'm also getting next to no REM, which is the typical sleep pattern for people with Fibro. He gave me a low-dose anti-depressant to help with my sleep. It's something I've been on before, so hopefully it will be helpful this time as well.
I'm depressed. I'm tired. I have a lot of medical symptoms going on. But I don't want to whine, so that's why I haven't written about it. Alright, to be honest, if I wrote about it, it made it real. I don't want it back. I want the nice, normal, active life I've started to have these last few months. But I do realize I need to ask for help and try to stop this before it gets out of hand. Now that I have kids, I don't have luxury of letting it get the best of me. I just don't.
Wordless Wednesday - Halloween Edition
I know I've been MIA. I'll write more about it later. It's because of Fibro, so it's a downer, not to mention that Fibro makes me down, so I'm a party. Woo! Anywho, as usual, can't keep my mouth shut on a Wordless post. I'm nothing, if not consistent. Providing some eye candy is better than listening to me complain, no?
Monday, October 11, 2010
My Bully Story
After the last week w/everyone talking about bullying I'm finally jumping on the bandwagon. So yeah, the topic has totally jumped the shark. I would've written this when everyone else was, but I've been sick, so I've been sending out emails w/links to really good posts I've seen on the topic instead. The ultimate retweet. ;-) Tonight I'm lying in bed, but can't really sleep yet, so what the heck, it's on my mind.
My oldest daughter's school has a strict "no bullying" policy. They have parents sign up to oversee it, come into the classroom & read books, talk about it. I'm pretty sure the kids all sign "contracts" agreeing not to do it, blah, blah, blah... Let's face it, kids don't always know what bullying is, you know it, when it happening to you, but a lot of the time it's much more subtle then what used to go on when we were kids.
When I was in 7th or 8th grade I was bullied. It probably wasn't the first time. It was the only time that I was truly scared. The girl was in my grade & I have no idea why I was picked, but she suddenly hated my guts and was going to "kick my ass". This girl was at least twice my size. She was easily 5' 8" & looked more like a 25yo than a 13yo. I was about 5'5" and not sure I weighed 100lbs soaking wet. She picked on me for several days with it accumulating to her "calling me out". See we had a "no tolerance policy" for bullying in my middle school also. The kids got around it, but planning their fights for after school. I didn't feel I could back down to her. I don't recall that I particularly stood up to her either. I've never really been known for my shyness when it comes to my mouth & sarcasm, (I know, you're shocked). I'm sure I had some quick responses to help her come to her decision to "kick my ass". I didn't tell any adults. What the heck were they going to do? If I did, my mom would make her drive me to and from school and that would fuel the fire, and make me feel like the loser this girl was telling me I was. No, I stood my ground & told her I'd meet her after school to get my ass kicked as planned. I don't think that's exactly what I said, but that's sure how I felt. I remember it quite clearly, even now. I was lucky. I had a group of really good friends. They were quite concerned for my life. Most likely they were afraid I'd ask one of them to be my second, and my adversary's BFF was built like her, so I'm sure my friends were not looking forward to that. Someone told. Probably one of my friends. I got pulled out of 3rd period by the Vice Principal. (Yeah, I still remember what period of school it was, guess it all made an impression.) I was shocked to be honest. She told me what she knew, which was pretty much what was going on. I remember her asking me why I didn't tell. "How do you think that would've improved my situation?" It was middle school, the VP wasn't new, she knew exactly what I meant and she didn't have a different or better answer for me. In the end, parents were called in, then we (my bully and I) were called in, together. The VP "mediated" how we were to interact from here on out and as far as I know that's as far as it went. This girl was not new to getting in trouble, but that was pretty much the end of it. As an adult I suspect her mother had been told that her kid would be expelled if it continued, or something along those lines. I really don't know. I just know she more or less left me alone after that.
Do you know what I learned from that experience? Nothing.
No one came along and said here's a better way to deal with this. Adults understood why I felt I couldn't tell, but also couldn't give me a different or better way to deal with this situation. Back in the day, it wasn't considered inappropriate to tell your kid to stick up for themselves and/or teach them to fight. Now, it is. So the only real answer we have for our kids is for them to tell. In some ways I suppose that's good. No one expects you to fight back. At least, not the sane people; the adults.
My daughter told me of an incident that had her in tears recently. A boy had pushed and hit one of her friends in the back during recess. When she first told me, she was so upset, I thought it must have happened to her. When I did get the full story out of her, I learned it had happened several days before. I asked her how they responded, and they did tell an adult, but apparently it isn't the first or last time this kid has done this type of thing. The girls involved did not feel that this child was reprimanded over this incident. I was torn as to how much weight to give the subject. I basically told her she, and her friends need to stick up for each other and tell an adult. I also (failed miserably I'm afraid,) told her that boys will do stuff like that when they like you and to basically get used to it. (While that may be true, it was the part that made me not want to give it too much weight, and it's the part I failed at most.) I really didn't like the answer I gave her and the whole thing was stuck in my head for a while. Then I realized it was because what happened was a form of bullying. That's why she was so upset, and why my answer sucked so much. Since this time, this boy has been suspended once this year for hitting. I happen to know the kid, and he has bigger issues than being a potential bully. I also, don't think he realizes the intimidation his actions bring. I really don't, but like I said, this particular kid, much bigger issues. I did talk to Big about it some more after that. We talked about intimidation, and how that's how that boy made her and her friends feel when he did that. We talked about what that felt like, that "icky, ball in the pit of your stomach" feeling. Words like intimidation and bully, don't really have weight w/her yet. But when I asked her to describe the feeling, she knew it. She knows, no one should be allowed to make her feel that way. We talked about give people power and how not to do that. It's obviously a conversation we need to continue. She's seven, it's heavy. You know it, when you feel it, but it you haven't, sometimes it's too much to comprehend. I also told her I felt the yard duty and myself had not handled it as well as we could have and why. I told her in the future, I would be better prepared to help her if the adults who were there didn't deal with it the way it ought to be dealt with, like this time. If the school has a no tolerance policy, then something should have happened with the kid at that time. Other kids need to feel that their word means something or they'll continue to be silent.
I feel better about it now. This all happened before the rash of gay suicides. Now that it's a headline topic, it seemed appropriate to bring it up.
Reality is that there are NO good answers when it comes to bullying. But an open dialog, and explaining things in terms kids can understand are a good step in the right direction. Understanding that part of bullying is giving someone power to make you feel a certain way. A way that isn't good. That no one has the right to make you feel that way. THAT is what we need our kids to understand. THAT is what we want them to tell us. Silence is what those bullies are counting on.
FYI--My bully. She sent me a friend request on Facebook not all that long ago. Yeah, um, not. We might be past it, but that doesn't mean I want to hang out with you, even 30 years later.
My oldest daughter's school has a strict "no bullying" policy. They have parents sign up to oversee it, come into the classroom & read books, talk about it. I'm pretty sure the kids all sign "contracts" agreeing not to do it, blah, blah, blah... Let's face it, kids don't always know what bullying is, you know it, when it happening to you, but a lot of the time it's much more subtle then what used to go on when we were kids.
When I was in 7th or 8th grade I was bullied. It probably wasn't the first time. It was the only time that I was truly scared. The girl was in my grade & I have no idea why I was picked, but she suddenly hated my guts and was going to "kick my ass". This girl was at least twice my size. She was easily 5' 8" & looked more like a 25yo than a 13yo. I was about 5'5" and not sure I weighed 100lbs soaking wet. She picked on me for several days with it accumulating to her "calling me out". See we had a "no tolerance policy" for bullying in my middle school also. The kids got around it, but planning their fights for after school. I didn't feel I could back down to her. I don't recall that I particularly stood up to her either. I've never really been known for my shyness when it comes to my mouth & sarcasm, (I know, you're shocked). I'm sure I had some quick responses to help her come to her decision to "kick my ass". I didn't tell any adults. What the heck were they going to do? If I did, my mom would make her drive me to and from school and that would fuel the fire, and make me feel like the loser this girl was telling me I was. No, I stood my ground & told her I'd meet her after school to get my ass kicked as planned. I don't think that's exactly what I said, but that's sure how I felt. I remember it quite clearly, even now. I was lucky. I had a group of really good friends. They were quite concerned for my life. Most likely they were afraid I'd ask one of them to be my second, and my adversary's BFF was built like her, so I'm sure my friends were not looking forward to that. Someone told. Probably one of my friends. I got pulled out of 3rd period by the Vice Principal. (Yeah, I still remember what period of school it was, guess it all made an impression.) I was shocked to be honest. She told me what she knew, which was pretty much what was going on. I remember her asking me why I didn't tell. "How do you think that would've improved my situation?" It was middle school, the VP wasn't new, she knew exactly what I meant and she didn't have a different or better answer for me. In the end, parents were called in, then we (my bully and I) were called in, together. The VP "mediated" how we were to interact from here on out and as far as I know that's as far as it went. This girl was not new to getting in trouble, but that was pretty much the end of it. As an adult I suspect her mother had been told that her kid would be expelled if it continued, or something along those lines. I really don't know. I just know she more or less left me alone after that.
Do you know what I learned from that experience? Nothing.
No one came along and said here's a better way to deal with this. Adults understood why I felt I couldn't tell, but also couldn't give me a different or better way to deal with this situation. Back in the day, it wasn't considered inappropriate to tell your kid to stick up for themselves and/or teach them to fight. Now, it is. So the only real answer we have for our kids is for them to tell. In some ways I suppose that's good. No one expects you to fight back. At least, not the sane people; the adults.
My daughter told me of an incident that had her in tears recently. A boy had pushed and hit one of her friends in the back during recess. When she first told me, she was so upset, I thought it must have happened to her. When I did get the full story out of her, I learned it had happened several days before. I asked her how they responded, and they did tell an adult, but apparently it isn't the first or last time this kid has done this type of thing. The girls involved did not feel that this child was reprimanded over this incident. I was torn as to how much weight to give the subject. I basically told her she, and her friends need to stick up for each other and tell an adult. I also (failed miserably I'm afraid,) told her that boys will do stuff like that when they like you and to basically get used to it. (While that may be true, it was the part that made me not want to give it too much weight, and it's the part I failed at most.) I really didn't like the answer I gave her and the whole thing was stuck in my head for a while. Then I realized it was because what happened was a form of bullying. That's why she was so upset, and why my answer sucked so much. Since this time, this boy has been suspended once this year for hitting. I happen to know the kid, and he has bigger issues than being a potential bully. I also, don't think he realizes the intimidation his actions bring. I really don't, but like I said, this particular kid, much bigger issues. I did talk to Big about it some more after that. We talked about intimidation, and how that's how that boy made her and her friends feel when he did that. We talked about what that felt like, that "icky, ball in the pit of your stomach" feeling. Words like intimidation and bully, don't really have weight w/her yet. But when I asked her to describe the feeling, she knew it. She knows, no one should be allowed to make her feel that way. We talked about give people power and how not to do that. It's obviously a conversation we need to continue. She's seven, it's heavy. You know it, when you feel it, but it you haven't, sometimes it's too much to comprehend. I also told her I felt the yard duty and myself had not handled it as well as we could have and why. I told her in the future, I would be better prepared to help her if the adults who were there didn't deal with it the way it ought to be dealt with, like this time. If the school has a no tolerance policy, then something should have happened with the kid at that time. Other kids need to feel that their word means something or they'll continue to be silent.
I feel better about it now. This all happened before the rash of gay suicides. Now that it's a headline topic, it seemed appropriate to bring it up.
Reality is that there are NO good answers when it comes to bullying. But an open dialog, and explaining things in terms kids can understand are a good step in the right direction. Understanding that part of bullying is giving someone power to make you feel a certain way. A way that isn't good. That no one has the right to make you feel that way. THAT is what we need our kids to understand. THAT is what we want them to tell us. Silence is what those bullies are counting on.
FYI--My bully. She sent me a friend request on Facebook not all that long ago. Yeah, um, not. We might be past it, but that doesn't mean I want to hang out with you, even 30 years later.
Thursday, October 07, 2010
Not Depressed. Not All That Happy Either.
Our network was down for a week. I know a week! I'm not sure how I survived it either. That, coupled with some other issues I'm having, are the reason I haven't posted in longer than usual. During that week, I had lots of things to post about, of course. Now I can't remember what they were.
I'm having a hard time lately. I'm exhausted. Fatigued. Wiped. All of the above. I'm having migraines, bad ones, every other day. By 3 PM I'm shot. It's all I can do to keep the kids alive till DaddySpeak gets home. Yes, my back is finally better and now this. I wonder to myself if I'm being a hypochondriac, even to myself. Could I be imagining these symptoms? Do I need to have some kind of medical drama, about me, all the time? But in the back of my mind I know exactly what is going on with me. I haven't wanted to write it. Writing it, makes is seem real. It means I have to start to fight it, and I'm so very tired. I don't want to fight, I want to curl up and go to sleep.
I'm pretty sure it's the Fibro showing it's ugly head. I'm having back/neck pain, (not my disc in my lower back. This is up in my shoulder area). I'm not sleeping well, (no REM sleep). I'm having focus issues, (Fibro Fog). I'm tired all the time, (CFS). The laundry list of symptoms has started. Why? Why now? I think it's because I'm not on the low-carb diet anymore. Seriously. No, I wasn't being great about it, but I still wasn't really eating breads, pasta or rice. I was eating way less carbs than I think I realized. I started Weight Watchers about 6 weeks ago. I've lost 10 lbs., I've done WW before and had good success. The problem is that I'm eating rice & pasta again. The last 4 weeks have seen my symptoms getting worse. I got my doctor to run blood tests. I was sure it was hormones, it's not. It's been years since I've experienced symptoms. Like a pouting two-year-old, I'm stomping my feet and having a tantrum. I don't want this. I just want to have time and energy to enjoy my family. My girls don't even know who I am, what I can do. They've just started to get a glimpse of me. I feel like I've already missed so much. Dramatic much? Yeah, I know. Hopefully, getting back on the low-carb diet will stop it again. I have to be honest, I'm not really looking forward to it. I like my daily mocha. I miss pasta & chocolate. Not as much as I like feeling well, but I still feel a sense of loss over it. Hopefully, that's what this is about, but it's still frustrating. It's scary. What if the diet doesn't help?
My mom asked me today if I'm depressed. I've been wondering if I am, but I don't think so. Depression would take energy, that I just don't have, at all.
I'm having a hard time lately. I'm exhausted. Fatigued. Wiped. All of the above. I'm having migraines, bad ones, every other day. By 3 PM I'm shot. It's all I can do to keep the kids alive till DaddySpeak gets home. Yes, my back is finally better and now this. I wonder to myself if I'm being a hypochondriac, even to myself. Could I be imagining these symptoms? Do I need to have some kind of medical drama, about me, all the time? But in the back of my mind I know exactly what is going on with me. I haven't wanted to write it. Writing it, makes is seem real. It means I have to start to fight it, and I'm so very tired. I don't want to fight, I want to curl up and go to sleep.
I'm pretty sure it's the Fibro showing it's ugly head. I'm having back/neck pain, (not my disc in my lower back. This is up in my shoulder area). I'm not sleeping well, (no REM sleep). I'm having focus issues, (Fibro Fog). I'm tired all the time, (CFS). The laundry list of symptoms has started. Why? Why now? I think it's because I'm not on the low-carb diet anymore. Seriously. No, I wasn't being great about it, but I still wasn't really eating breads, pasta or rice. I was eating way less carbs than I think I realized. I started Weight Watchers about 6 weeks ago. I've lost 10 lbs., I've done WW before and had good success. The problem is that I'm eating rice & pasta again. The last 4 weeks have seen my symptoms getting worse. I got my doctor to run blood tests. I was sure it was hormones, it's not. It's been years since I've experienced symptoms. Like a pouting two-year-old, I'm stomping my feet and having a tantrum. I don't want this. I just want to have time and energy to enjoy my family. My girls don't even know who I am, what I can do. They've just started to get a glimpse of me. I feel like I've already missed so much. Dramatic much? Yeah, I know. Hopefully, getting back on the low-carb diet will stop it again. I have to be honest, I'm not really looking forward to it. I like my daily mocha. I miss pasta & chocolate. Not as much as I like feeling well, but I still feel a sense of loss over it. Hopefully, that's what this is about, but it's still frustrating. It's scary. What if the diet doesn't help?
My mom asked me today if I'm depressed. I've been wondering if I am, but I don't think so. Depression would take energy, that I just don't have, at all.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Sunday
Here's an example of why I don't seem to have time to blog.
Today I got up at 7, got Big ready & off to CCD (Sunday school) at 8:30. Came home, clean up kitchen, switched laundry and went back to get Big. Took both girls to Starbucks on way home. DaddySpeak was up when we got back, now 10. Decided I was tired and went and laid down for a bit. Woke up at noon. No one was home, and was still tired so laid on couch while I read emails on my phone. Family came back from grocery store and started making pies. I FELL BACK ASLEEP for two more hours!
Either I'm coming down with something or I'm a complete sloth! No wonder I can't sleep at night half the time, nor can I get anything done during the day!
Today I got up at 7, got Big ready & off to CCD (Sunday school) at 8:30. Came home, clean up kitchen, switched laundry and went back to get Big. Took both girls to Starbucks on way home. DaddySpeak was up when we got back, now 10. Decided I was tired and went and laid down for a bit. Woke up at noon. No one was home, and was still tired so laid on couch while I read emails on my phone. Family came back from grocery store and started making pies. I FELL BACK ASLEEP for two more hours!
Either I'm coming down with something or I'm a complete sloth! No wonder I can't sleep at night half the time, nor can I get anything done during the day!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Lying Around
Mir, being the awesome writer she is, got me thinking about the subject of lying. We've been dealing with it in the House O'Speak recently. Gasp, I know, my preshus babahs lied??? and I'm curious to hear what your suggestions/opinions are on how to handle this situation. I don't think I'm handling it as well as I need to, in order to avoid it becoming the norm in the future.
BigSpeak, has always been “the sweet one” and LittleSpeak is my "spirited child.” This affects how I approach them on this subject. Maybe it shouldn't, and maybe some of it has to do with age, but either way, the subject is not equal in this house. It doesn't pan out the way you might think. In fact, the way Little is dealt with, is more how you might think I would deal with the seven year old, not the four year old. It's been personality based, which is right in some ways, but I still think I'm lacking in a huge way on this one.
Little lies almost constantly. Seriously, it happens so often, it’s like it’s imprinted into her DNA. It’s almost like she doesn’t know how NOT to do it. She’s 4, so I know (at least I believe I know), whenever she does lie to me. But, think about this, by the time it starts to really matter, she’ll have had a TON of practice & probably be pretty good at it. Yeah, I'm pretty much screwed w/her.
Big has been caught in 2 lies recently. Both were things that I thought her sister had done, but turns out she had done. Initially they were “errors of omission” while her sister was getting interrogated & accused. I'm sure she mostly stood by out of fear and self-preservation, considering how much trouble her sister seemed to be about to get in. When I was satisfied her sister hadn’t done it & turned to her, she lied to my face, for like 2 seconds & then told the truth.
I find it hard how to handle the whole she finally told the truth part. I don’t want to over punish her and therefore end up with more lying in the future. But she did make the infraction AND then was going to allow someone else to take the punishment. How do I punish, but somehow show that it was "less of a punishment" than she would've gotten otherwise?
Here's where my question comes from; My mom always told us, "You'll get in more trouble for lying, then you will for the actual act." That might be true, but how do I know that? If I don't lie about it, you're just pissed about whatever it was that I did/didn't do. General punishment prevails. If I lie & then, when put on the spot, tell the truth, haven't I just been taught to "play the odds" and if they don't pan out, go for the plea bargain? Doesn't that imply the "plea bargain" will net a lesser punishment? I have no doubt my kids are smart enough to think it through to this point. I did after all. Obviously, my mom didn't give me a good example of how to do this well. Are you getting that I was a bit like Little? Quit laughing, I know payback is a bitch.
Any suggestions? Please?? It's for the safety of the world, really.
Thursday, September 09, 2010
Wordless Wednesday-First Day of School, Thursday Edition
And because it's me it's not completely wordless. I can't help it. I just can't keep my mouth shut.
Anywho, BigSpeak started school a couple weeks ago & LittleSpeak started on Wednesday (yesterday).
Big is in Second Grade. Yes, I know, we're screwed. She freaking looks 17, not 7! Gah!
And this is LittleSpeak. She started Jr. K today. She's a little excited. Ya think? There's no living with her now. She's certain she is all grown up and wants the car keys. (You think I'm joking don't you?)
Anywho, BigSpeak started school a couple weeks ago & LittleSpeak started on Wednesday (yesterday).
Big is in Second Grade. Yes, I know, we're screwed. She freaking looks 17, not 7! Gah!
And this is LittleSpeak. She started Jr. K today. She's a little excited. Ya think? There's no living with her now. She's certain she is all grown up and wants the car keys. (You think I'm joking don't you?)
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
Great Intentions...
I have this great intention of writing more. And if you know me, you know what that means...
Yeah, so I haven't been around for a while.
One thing I figured out this summer is why my back was taking so long to heal.
MY COMPUTER!!! Who Knew???
It seriously did not occur to me that the computer was contributing because I have a laptop. I work on my computer while sitting, or lying on the couch. I move around. A lot. I didn't think it was contributing because of the way I used it. Now that I know that, I'm trying to limit my time on the laptop.
Ummm, yeah, that's like asking a crack addict to scale back to once a week or something.
Since I have no self-control I'm not getting on my laptop as much. Don't get on, don't stay on too long. I check my email, tweet and Facebook on my phone. I get on my laptop for 15 mins to answer the emails I can't answer on my phone. I intend to do more, like blog, but I usually can't finish what I get on there for in the first place in 15 mins.
So that's where I've been. Or where I haven't been.
I'm here, but I'm limited in what I can do on the computer. When I don't limit myself, I can tell. It sucks. I'm trying to get on here more. And, hey, if you have any suggestions on how I can figure out a way to be able to here more, I'm listening...
Yeah, so I haven't been around for a while.
One thing I figured out this summer is why my back was taking so long to heal.
MY COMPUTER!!! Who Knew???
It seriously did not occur to me that the computer was contributing because I have a laptop. I work on my computer while sitting, or lying on the couch. I move around. A lot. I didn't think it was contributing because of the way I used it. Now that I know that, I'm trying to limit my time on the laptop.
Ummm, yeah, that's like asking a crack addict to scale back to once a week or something.
Since I have no self-control I'm not getting on my laptop as much. Don't get on, don't stay on too long. I check my email, tweet and Facebook on my phone. I get on my laptop for 15 mins to answer the emails I can't answer on my phone. I intend to do more, like blog, but I usually can't finish what I get on there for in the first place in 15 mins.
So that's where I've been. Or where I haven't been.
I'm here, but I'm limited in what I can do on the computer. When I don't limit myself, I can tell. It sucks. I'm trying to get on here more. And, hey, if you have any suggestions on how I can figure out a way to be able to here more, I'm listening...
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Last Day of Summer
This is the longest I've been away from my blog. I'm sort of overwhelmed w/the idea of catching up. So I'm posting this; to try & help me get over it. I'm hoping that if I do this then I can post & not be stressed about catching up. So tomorrow is the first day of school. I'll have a 2nd grader. In a couple weeks, I'll also have a pre-K'er. It's going fast. Summer flew by & my back still seems better, so hopefully this week I'll have more for you and gratuitous photos.
Sunday, August 01, 2010
Amazing and Lucky
This weekend I realized how much my husband really loves me. That might sound like a weird statement when I tell you why, but just wait, you'll see.
We've been married for nine years, and he does lots of the traditional things on the traditional days to show me that he cares for me. I appreciate all of those things, (and hopes he continues on that tract,) but this weekend he showed me his love in ways that I couldn't have articulated before hand. They're such small things and yet, that is part of what makes them so big. During these past four years especially, with this back problem, he has consistently picked up the slack over and over again for me. But this weekend, he came over to the beach house after being away from us all week. He stepped in and just picked up where I left off! On Friday, when we got back from the beach, BigSpeak had been trounced by the ocean during the day. She went to the outdoor shower to get cleaned up. LittleSpeak was sounds asleep in the car. DaddySpeak had pulled up a few minutes before us. He fawned over the girls and got all the details of the week while I helped them in the shower (Little woke up during the time). After I got done getting both girls clean (and they were in their room getting dressed). I sat on the couch for a few minutes to pull myself together. I do this most nights. I need 10 mins to decompress and rest my back before I start dinner. I usually look at my phone to see what's happening with Twitter and such. While I did this, he started dinner. Since he was doing this, and I realized it, I took a few minutes longer than usual and had a little conversation. When I walked over the kitchen (maybe 15 mins total had passed) the table was set, dinner was made & we were being called to eat! I KNOW that's not an amazing thing, but it happened so easily, so seamlessly that it felt amazing.
All weekend has been like this, he's put in new lights, hung some hooks, vacuumed the fireplace and garage...all things that needed to be done, and I wanted done. Things we'd talked about in weeks before & then he just did them. And we were a family. We did family things. I've got a rotten cough/cold thing and he let me sleep in, but then I was able to participate in the rest of the day because of that.
It was just so amazing to feel that groove with him. My back has been such a force in what we can and can't do for so long it's crazy. This was the first time in a months (maybe years) when we just were...and it was so nice.
I realized (once again) how lucky I am to have someone who understands me and (in spite of that understanding still) loves me. Loves me enough to pick up where I leave off, without anyone having to say anything. I am the luckiest girl alive.
We've been married for nine years, and he does lots of the traditional things on the traditional days to show me that he cares for me. I appreciate all of those things, (and hopes he continues on that tract,) but this weekend he showed me his love in ways that I couldn't have articulated before hand. They're such small things and yet, that is part of what makes them so big. During these past four years especially, with this back problem, he has consistently picked up the slack over and over again for me. But this weekend, he came over to the beach house after being away from us all week. He stepped in and just picked up where I left off! On Friday, when we got back from the beach, BigSpeak had been trounced by the ocean during the day. She went to the outdoor shower to get cleaned up. LittleSpeak was sounds asleep in the car. DaddySpeak had pulled up a few minutes before us. He fawned over the girls and got all the details of the week while I helped them in the shower (Little woke up during the time). After I got done getting both girls clean (and they were in their room getting dressed). I sat on the couch for a few minutes to pull myself together. I do this most nights. I need 10 mins to decompress and rest my back before I start dinner. I usually look at my phone to see what's happening with Twitter and such. While I did this, he started dinner. Since he was doing this, and I realized it, I took a few minutes longer than usual and had a little conversation. When I walked over the kitchen (maybe 15 mins total had passed) the table was set, dinner was made & we were being called to eat! I KNOW that's not an amazing thing, but it happened so easily, so seamlessly that it felt amazing.
All weekend has been like this, he's put in new lights, hung some hooks, vacuumed the fireplace and garage...all things that needed to be done, and I wanted done. Things we'd talked about in weeks before & then he just did them. And we were a family. We did family things. I've got a rotten cough/cold thing and he let me sleep in, but then I was able to participate in the rest of the day because of that.
It was just so amazing to feel that groove with him. My back has been such a force in what we can and can't do for so long it's crazy. This was the first time in a months (maybe years) when we just were...and it was so nice.
I realized (once again) how lucky I am to have someone who understands me and (in spite of that understanding still) loves me. Loves me enough to pick up where I leave off, without anyone having to say anything. I am the luckiest girl alive.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Better, but with Coughing!
I know I said I'd be back & then... ::crickets chirping:: I am doing better, and because of it, I'm doing WAY more. After doing WAY more, I'm then too tired to do anything else, like blog.
The good news is that I'm currently living at the beach (don't I sound glamorous? I'll set you strait on that one in my next post.) BigSpeak is participating in one of the Jr. Guards programs and LittleSpeak & I are hanging with her every day. Can I tell you something? Dude, my 7YO, she's a total badass! I know you aren't supposed to describe your kid that way, but you should see all the stuff they're doing on the beach, in the sand & the FREEZING ocean!!! And, you know, no big deal. OMG! Such a big deal! I wish I could do half the stuff they're doing. Theoretically, of course, I have no desire to shag my fat arce into a red bathing suit and run into the FREEZING water.
DaddySpeak is still working (Rat Bastards won't let him cruz for the summer! I mean it's not like anyone is getting anything done this month anyway, right?) So he joins us on the weekends. Yeah, you heard that right, that means I'm playing the roll of the single parent during the week. And I'm pulling it off! Amazing, I know. I wouldn't have believed it possible a month ago. Something clicked the week before we moved here & I'm much better (knocking on wood LOUDLY!) Currently dealing w/mostly muscle spasms. They're awful & no fun, but spasms I can work through. Nerve pain, not so much. Hopefully, we have passed this hump & will not be seeing it again. (I have PAID my dues on this one, no?)
So, I suddenly seem all set to go to BlogHer10, no? NO. ::sigh:: Sadly, I have contracted this awful cough thing that Little has had since before school got out. Doctor didn't think it was whooping cough when I took her in. He did give us antibiotics which seems to reign it in, but not get rid of it. Big has it too, though not nearly like I do. I am up at this ungodly hour, because I couldn't. stop. coughing. I decided yesterday that I did not want to spend the conference sick. Or passing this on to everyone at the conference. While you would be home to read all the blogging I was doing, you probably would not be happy with me, and would be unfollowing me. So, I sent out an invoice this morning to sell my conference pass.
I still can't seem to really get ahead, but I am making progress. Guess that's all I can hope for right now.
The good news is that I'm currently living at the beach (don't I sound glamorous? I'll set you strait on that one in my next post.) BigSpeak is participating in one of the Jr. Guards programs and LittleSpeak & I are hanging with her every day. Can I tell you something? Dude, my 7YO, she's a total badass! I know you aren't supposed to describe your kid that way, but you should see all the stuff they're doing on the beach, in the sand & the FREEZING ocean!!! And, you know, no big deal. OMG! Such a big deal! I wish I could do half the stuff they're doing. Theoretically, of course, I have no desire to shag my fat arce into a red bathing suit and run into the FREEZING water.
DaddySpeak is still working (Rat Bastards won't let him cruz for the summer! I mean it's not like anyone is getting anything done this month anyway, right?) So he joins us on the weekends. Yeah, you heard that right, that means I'm playing the roll of the single parent during the week. And I'm pulling it off! Amazing, I know. I wouldn't have believed it possible a month ago. Something clicked the week before we moved here & I'm much better (knocking on wood LOUDLY!) Currently dealing w/mostly muscle spasms. They're awful & no fun, but spasms I can work through. Nerve pain, not so much. Hopefully, we have passed this hump & will not be seeing it again. (I have PAID my dues on this one, no?)
So, I suddenly seem all set to go to BlogHer10, no? NO. ::sigh:: Sadly, I have contracted this awful cough thing that Little has had since before school got out. Doctor didn't think it was whooping cough when I took her in. He did give us antibiotics which seems to reign it in, but not get rid of it. Big has it too, though not nearly like I do. I am up at this ungodly hour, because I couldn't. stop. coughing. I decided yesterday that I did not want to spend the conference sick. Or passing this on to everyone at the conference. While you would be home to read all the blogging I was doing, you probably would not be happy with me, and would be unfollowing me. So, I sent out an invoice this morning to sell my conference pass.
I still can't seem to really get ahead, but I am making progress. Guess that's all I can hope for right now.
Monday, July 26, 2010
HERE!
I know I disappeared for a month. It's the first time since I started this blog that I've really taken a break. I've gone a whole month without posting. I needed a break, I still do, but the best I could manage was to quit trying to do so much. So my blog posting dropped off. Tweeting was about what I could manage, and did, with much vigor. I'm not gone. I just needed some time to regroup. (I'm not sure I really did, but it sounds good, right?) SV Moms has disbanded, which also contributed to my absence, (no one was poking me to get my posts in.) I have two cents I plan to give about that, but right now, I just wanted to let you know that I'm still here. I do know you come check to see if I've posted anything, and I've had several things I plan to write mulling around in my head. Hopefully, I'll have something more later this week, next week for sure.
In the meantime:
In the meantime:
- Things are (tentatively) better with my back (I cringe to write that for fear of jinxing it.)
- I'm on the fence about going to BlogHer10. Decision will be made in next day or two.
- The girls and I have spent a full week at the beach house for Big's Jr. Guard program. We were back this weekend & are playing with colds/allergies?, I decided we all needed a mental health day. We head back over the hill tonight, for two weeks.
- The beach has been cold & foggy. Highs have been in the 60's at best. This is not contributing to a positive outlook on my part.
- I'm fat & depressed about it. (On an up note, my back is finally giving me some room to move & do something about it.)
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Pain of a Different Sort
I think this whole journey is starting to get to me. Today was hard. Really hard. It's the first day of summer vacation & I was either super bitchy or on the verge of tears all day. This is all from emotional & mental issues. The physical pain is there, it always is, but the emotional pain was the worst it's been so far.
The girls sat on the couch this afternoon going over all the things they want to do with me, but haven't been able to because of my back problem. None of it was anything radical, it was things like riding bikes & running together. I would've cried if DaddySpeak hadn't rescued me from the conversation. I explained to the girls that I feel the same way, that's why I'm going through all of this; doctors appointments, physical therapy, epidural shots... but they don't understand any of that. They only understand that mommy says, "no" a lot about things. Things that all their friends' mom's can do. Things their mommy ought to be able to do.
I believe I'm in the middle of a trifecta of chemical imbalances (in my brain,) at the same time. You may think I'm off the deep end with this one, but once I tell you why, I may seem more sane than before. A few weeks ago, I realized that the neurontin, was fogging up my brain to a fault. I couldn't remember anything specific about conversations. Even conversations that had occurred less than a few minutes before hand. I was starting to get concerned about what I might be doing, while say, driving and not be remembering it. Realizing how bad it was getting I decided to pull myself off. The doctor and I had discussed how to do this when I first started the drug, so I followed his instructions from before. Guess what else it was doing? The neurontin was helping with my pain. I know, because of how much of it was back once I was completely off the drug. It was that, or I just couldn't remember how much I'd been hurting.
In the meantime, my other doctor wanted to schedule another epidural shot. After the last one, I did have some reservations. We had a discussion about where my pain had been & where it was now. We determined that I'd had about a 20% reduction in pain, which seemed about right. "Would I be willing to go through that for another 20%?" Well duh! If I thought I really was going to get another 20%, but that much is unlikely. It did seem to be helping some, and I'm at a loss for what else to do. The skin problems were resolving themselves, (with some help from the spa in Vegas,) so I signed up for one more round.
Also you may remember, I mentioned I had a visitor at this same time? Aunt Flo is not friend of mine, and has not improved my situation. The night before my epidural shot (Tues) I had a discussion with a friend about our shared perimenopausal symptoms. Long story short, her doctor had recommended birth control pills to help with the symptoms. I had my annual OB/GYN appointment (because an epidural shot isn't enough for me in one week) scheduled for the day after my epidural shot, (Thurs) so I brought it up to my doctor then. She agreed and put me on birth control pills. I started those on Friday night.
Do you see where this is going? Me neither. Oh yeah! My point, (yes, I did have one) is that in the last week:
Saturday night the girls were sleeping over at my parents so we could go to a co-workers party. I begged off. Luckily, my husband knew I wasn't really feeling up to it. I think he was afraid I wanted him to stay home and babysit me. What I wanted & needed was some alone time. He took the girls to my parents house & went to the party. He sent me texts a couple times to make sure I was still okay, (and probably be sure I wasn't pulling a mind game on him). I had the opportunity to wallow in my pity party. I decided to have a drink, instead of a pain pill & things seemed to chill a bit for me. I watch some mindless TV on Hulu. It was pretty much what I seemed to need. Of course, I'm feeling a ton of guilt now; over not keeping the girls home, not going to the party with him, etc... because I don't give myself any slack.
This morning, Sunday, I was able to sleep in. We had NOTHING planned today, and I needed that. I'm much better. I've still got the black blob of unhappy in the back of my head, but it's not winning today. I'm not sure what to do, and maybe that's my problem. I'm at a crossroad of sorts, the stuff I'm doing for my back isn't working but I'm not sure what to do. Today I refused to take a pain pill till I really couldn't stand it anymore. (My personal protest against my body, I guess.) I also did two loads of laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, etc...stuff that isn't great for me, so 1:30 is pretty damn good, I think.
I'm hoping the big black blob of emotional pain was a "perfect storm" (drugs, steroids, hormones,) that won't show up again, but I'm seriously not sure. And upon reading this, I have to say, I'm playing this down a bit. The reason I started writing this is because I think I need help, but I'm not really sure what/how to do it. I've asked doctors time and again for a referral to a (mental) therapist and every time I get a "look in your insurance book" at best. I've had bad therapists, I don't want to make this situation worse. I get plenty of bad advice for free already. This bout I had yesterday, I had feelings that were...I wouldn't call them suicidal, I don't want to kill myself, and I wouldn't, but in a respect I feel like it wasn't entirely me. And they were really, really black. I don't know exactly how to describe it. It scared me. But like I said, I think it was the "perfect storm". I don't anticipate that happening again.
The girls sat on the couch this afternoon going over all the things they want to do with me, but haven't been able to because of my back problem. None of it was anything radical, it was things like riding bikes & running together. I would've cried if DaddySpeak hadn't rescued me from the conversation. I explained to the girls that I feel the same way, that's why I'm going through all of this; doctors appointments, physical therapy, epidural shots... but they don't understand any of that. They only understand that mommy says, "no" a lot about things. Things that all their friends' mom's can do. Things their mommy ought to be able to do.
I believe I'm in the middle of a trifecta of chemical imbalances (in my brain,) at the same time. You may think I'm off the deep end with this one, but once I tell you why, I may seem more sane than before. A few weeks ago, I realized that the neurontin, was fogging up my brain to a fault. I couldn't remember anything specific about conversations. Even conversations that had occurred less than a few minutes before hand. I was starting to get concerned about what I might be doing, while say, driving and not be remembering it. Realizing how bad it was getting I decided to pull myself off. The doctor and I had discussed how to do this when I first started the drug, so I followed his instructions from before. Guess what else it was doing? The neurontin was helping with my pain. I know, because of how much of it was back once I was completely off the drug. It was that, or I just couldn't remember how much I'd been hurting.
In the meantime, my other doctor wanted to schedule another epidural shot. After the last one, I did have some reservations. We had a discussion about where my pain had been & where it was now. We determined that I'd had about a 20% reduction in pain, which seemed about right. "Would I be willing to go through that for another 20%?" Well duh! If I thought I really was going to get another 20%, but that much is unlikely. It did seem to be helping some, and I'm at a loss for what else to do. The skin problems were resolving themselves, (with some help from the spa in Vegas,) so I signed up for one more round.
Also you may remember, I mentioned I had a visitor at this same time? Aunt Flo is not friend of mine, and has not improved my situation. The night before my epidural shot (Tues) I had a discussion with a friend about our shared perimenopausal symptoms. Long story short, her doctor had recommended birth control pills to help with the symptoms. I had my annual OB/GYN appointment (because an epidural shot isn't enough for me in one week) scheduled for the day after my epidural shot, (Thurs) so I brought it up to my doctor then. She agreed and put me on birth control pills. I started those on Friday night.
Do you see where this is going? Me neither. Oh yeah! My point, (yes, I did have one) is that in the last week:
- I've finished weening myself off a drug that was affecting my memory (neurontin)
- I've had an epidural shot (steroids)
- I've had a visit from Aunt Flo (hormones)
- I've started birth control pills (more hormones)
Saturday night the girls were sleeping over at my parents so we could go to a co-workers party. I begged off. Luckily, my husband knew I wasn't really feeling up to it. I think he was afraid I wanted him to stay home and babysit me. What I wanted & needed was some alone time. He took the girls to my parents house & went to the party. He sent me texts a couple times to make sure I was still okay, (and probably be sure I wasn't pulling a mind game on him). I had the opportunity to wallow in my pity party. I decided to have a drink, instead of a pain pill & things seemed to chill a bit for me. I watch some mindless TV on Hulu. It was pretty much what I seemed to need. Of course, I'm feeling a ton of guilt now; over not keeping the girls home, not going to the party with him, etc... because I don't give myself any slack.
This morning, Sunday, I was able to sleep in. We had NOTHING planned today, and I needed that. I'm much better. I've still got the black blob of unhappy in the back of my head, but it's not winning today. I'm not sure what to do, and maybe that's my problem. I'm at a crossroad of sorts, the stuff I'm doing for my back isn't working but I'm not sure what to do. Today I refused to take a pain pill till I really couldn't stand it anymore. (My personal protest against my body, I guess.) I also did two loads of laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, etc...stuff that isn't great for me, so 1:30 is pretty damn good, I think.
I'm hoping the big black blob of emotional pain was a "perfect storm" (drugs, steroids, hormones,) that won't show up again, but I'm seriously not sure. And upon reading this, I have to say, I'm playing this down a bit. The reason I started writing this is because I think I need help, but I'm not really sure what/how to do it. I've asked doctors time and again for a referral to a (mental) therapist and every time I get a "look in your insurance book" at best. I've had bad therapists, I don't want to make this situation worse. I get plenty of bad advice for free already. This bout I had yesterday, I had feelings that were...I wouldn't call them suicidal, I don't want to kill myself, and I wouldn't, but in a respect I feel like it wasn't entirely me. And they were really, really black. I don't know exactly how to describe it. It scared me. But like I said, I think it was the "perfect storm". I don't anticipate that happening again.
Sunday, June 06, 2010
Fat Clothes
Had to buy new clothes today. This is the down side of the weather finally improving; summer clothes. It's been humid here too, so there's no getting around it, I needed some shorts & tank tops. I've been making due w/sweats & sweat shorts (I wear to PT) up till now. When my MIL visited she washed the shorts that do fit & has misfiled (put away in the wrong person's dresser) my 2 pairs of my (current) favorite shorts. Since I only have 2 other pairs (both white) I'm at a loss. Today at Target I found several pairs of shorts & some tank tops (that aren't clingy) & brought them home. I want to cry. I'm not going to tell you the sizes, but it's the largest I've ever been in my life. I'm so frustrated. I knew my general size, so when I was there I grabbed the size & bought them, figuring I could return anything that didn't fit. A couple of the tops fit, but I know they'll shrink w/washing, so they're going back. One pair of shorts & a skirt fit cute. One pair of shorts had pleats. PLEATS! What the hell people??? No one over size 2 should wear pleats. Good Lord! Really, I didn't accomplish much. I need to go do some more. We're going to Hawaii in a couple weeks, so I need to have some clothes to wear. I want to cry.
I started low carb & was really good...for TWO days. Then that went to hell. Turns out Aunt Flo was coming to visit & hasn't been in a while, so that was part of the problem. I'm getting back on that horse tomorrow instead of running behind it.
Going to try & power through walking two 15 min stretches a day. Will take pain pills to make this (the 2nd one) happen. I read a post tonight about someone I follow who has lost a bunch of weight. She put her before & after pix on the post (I think it's private, so I'm not linking to it for now). Her current weight is my current weight, but she's been running & working out so she looks GREAT! I realize that my real issue is that I'm not moving enough. Yeah, I'm in pain when I do, but I'm in pain when I don't, so really, what's the difference. I seem to do my best when I when on vacation & moving a lot. I believe it has mostly to do w/not driving, but I'm thinking that if I can get myself into better shape, it certainly won't hurt my back situation. I can't say I'm not doing it to lose weight, but the truth is really that I'm doing it to feel better. Losing weight will be an added benefit, which will make me feel MUCH better.
So here it goes. Starting tomorrow. Walk in morning & in afternoon. Put it in writing, so now I'm committed. You're gonna keep me honest people!
I started low carb & was really good...for TWO days. Then that went to hell. Turns out Aunt Flo was coming to visit & hasn't been in a while, so that was part of the problem. I'm getting back on that horse tomorrow instead of running behind it.
Going to try & power through walking two 15 min stretches a day. Will take pain pills to make this (the 2nd one) happen. I read a post tonight about someone I follow who has lost a bunch of weight. She put her before & after pix on the post (I think it's private, so I'm not linking to it for now). Her current weight is my current weight, but she's been running & working out so she looks GREAT! I realize that my real issue is that I'm not moving enough. Yeah, I'm in pain when I do, but I'm in pain when I don't, so really, what's the difference. I seem to do my best when I when on vacation & moving a lot. I believe it has mostly to do w/not driving, but I'm thinking that if I can get myself into better shape, it certainly won't hurt my back situation. I can't say I'm not doing it to lose weight, but the truth is really that I'm doing it to feel better. Losing weight will be an added benefit, which will make me feel MUCH better.
So here it goes. Starting tomorrow. Walk in morning & in afternoon. Put it in writing, so now I'm committed. You're gonna keep me honest people!
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