Friday, August 04, 2006

Working It Out

I can’t believe I’m already starting to stress about this, I’m not going back until October. But do you realize that’s in two months??? I’m trying not to think about it too much, but Wood brought it up today and since I’d been mulling over the last week or so I figured it was an omen and I should trying getting some of these feelings out too. (Maybe talking about it will make it not seem so bad. Riiiight.)

Much of my postings are my rants about my frustrations with TS, which makes me feel bad, but this is supposed to be my version of threapy, so, sorry TS you'll just have to deal with it. You really only frustrate me when you're supposed to be napping and are beyond tired, but instead of sleeping you find that you must keep asking me "why?" about. freaking. every. damn. thing.

I want to stay home and hang with you too, but you're also a very independent little girl and I'm down with that. You don't NEED me the way you're sister does. In fact, I think you're a lot like me, (which scares the living crap out of me.) You like going to "school" and I know you're a better person for it. So while I want to stay home with you I can rationalize why my going to work it good for both of us. Your sister is a baby & needs me in ways that no one will ever need me again & I want to experience that to it's fullest. I get it this time, I won't get these moments back. This time I want to make sure savor every single one of them. (Don't ask me why. Because I said so, damit.)

So Internet back to my story; when TS was a baby and I had to return to work she was six weeks old. DS had been laid off unexpectedly, a month prior to her birth & the job I was going back to was contract. It wasn’t supposed to even exist any longer, but I was suddenly damn glad it did. We were in the middle of the “dot bomb” and had been though more then our share of lay offs/companies imploding, etc… in the last year or so. Luckily my version of “nesting” during that pregnancy was to hoard money, so in the end, we were fine. At the time, it was really scary. Anyway, TS was only 6 weeks!!! I know, how could I leave her??? Well, for starters I was leaving her with her Daddy or G’ma if Daddy was interviewing or something. Much easier then leaving her with a "daycare provider". At least I think it was. I was only working part-time, so really just a few hours a day. And she was only 6 weeks. She didn’t really do anything yet. She hadn’t gotten fun yet. By the time she did get fun,(12 weeks is when your level of sleep deprivation goes down enough, and they wake up enough that life really does get fun with these guys), I had been back for several weeks & made the break. I was bummed, but dealing with it.

BS has gotten fun already.

She’ll be that much MORE fun in 2 more months. WAH.

Lately, I’ve been scheming in my mind on how I could work it out to stay home. (I didn’t nest during this pregnancy, at least according to our savings account.) Actually, our finances are amazingly ok without me working. AND I haven’t given up my mochas, AT ALL. Amazing, I know, cause I have a bad (read: expensive) mocha habit. I keep joking that I need to go back to pay for Disneyland, the dog’s surgery, lasix and my laser hair removal, after that I’m out of there. I’m not really joking. Of course, we just had the car in the shop this week, paid our percentage of the hospital bills (BS’s birth) and then the annual bill for our homeowner’s insurance arrived today. BAH.

These are the reasons I need to go back to work. I'm trying not to think about it.

She giggles now.