Thursday, December 21, 2006
…is when your girls think you make the best pillow, and even though your back is killing you, you don’t mind a bit.
Hopefully, I’ll get on here in the couple days, but it’s about to get super KRAZZEEE!
So just in case;
Hope you were good and get all the loveliness that you’re hoping for.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Not only did TS get up on stage & sing for her X-mas pageant, but she smiled and did all the hand movements. You could even hear her singing! It was really cute & fun.
I am frantically trying to get things done for X-mas. I have these scrapbooks I make for the grandparents every year. I do a page a month for each girl. It was not as big of a deal when there was one child, but I doubled my workload this year. And since I’ve been overwhelmed (because of said double workload, i.e.--second child) I haven’t really been cropping so much. Like since July. So ideally I’m doing these two pages every month & it’s no big deal, realistically I’ve got 8 pages to finish in the next 5 days. I had more, but I’m working on a page a night & as long as I do that, they’ll be done in time. I also need to finish sewing BS’s X-mas stocking, but I have a few extra days to do that, so scrapbooks first! "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas..."
On another note, my grandmother is dying from cancer and has moved in with my parents as of last Tuesday. (This was decided on the Saturday before, so it’s a bit sudden.) She’s had this for like 10 years, they’ve put it into remission 3 times and this time she decided she’s 90 & she’s tired, so they aren’t treating it. This is my father’s mother & truth be told, she’s never been the nicest person on the face of the earth. She isn’t fond of kids at all & made that very clear to us when we were kids. Now that we’re adults she allows us to do stuff for her, so I wouldn’t say I’m exactly all broken up over this. I mean I feel bad for her and I don’t wish her ill or anything, but I’m not torn up over it. The reason I’m telling you is mostly cause it’s really flipping my mom out. She’s NEVER been especially nice to my mom and now my mom is stuck caring for her in her own house. (I suppose based on my mom’s treatment of me at times one could argue this is Karma. However, my mom is always well intended, just poorly executed at times. My grandma; not always so well intended.) Since my mom watches my kids this affects me in a big way. It also affects me because when my mom freaks out she takes it out on everyone else, especially me. So guess what’s been going on lately? No real details on it today, but I’m sure you’ll get some before it’s over so I figured I’d mention it.
My last Major stressor these days (and it’s big one) is that I’m having problems with my milk supply. Considering what an issue it’s become I’m kinda surprised I haven’t written about it sooner. Since “Aunt Flo” came to visit my milk supply cut literally in half like in a day. However, my daughter has not cut her appetite in half, so now that we’ve worked our way through my back up supply of milk I have a bit of a conundrum. We have found that she can’t seem to tolerate formula. She empties the contents of her stomach when drinking it. It’s scary & awful. I talked to her GI doctor who first gave some formula which is more broken down; got the same result. So he suggested soy; I can’t get her to drink it. I tried putting it into her cereal, but she gagged on it, wouldn’t have anything to do with it. So I’ve been taking fenugreek to try and increase my supply. Nothing yet. The doctor said if the soy doesn’t work he wants to do an allergy work up on her. I guess if it’s not one thing it’s another.
Oh, and to keep the party hopping my in-laws arrive Saturday. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Actually, right this second, everyone seems to be more or less well. Knock on wood. I’m sure that will change before I even get to post this. During this time I had a birthday. So happy b-day to me! Guess I need to update my bio here. Woo! I'm a party animal like that. And I’m just trying to get everything together for Christmas. You know, like everyone else.
BS started waving last week. Super cute!!! Sometimes she waves at you & sometimes she waves at herself. Either way she beams at you while she’s doing it. Yesterday she ate bananas & peas. Yeah, something green in her diet! Finally! And she also signed “more” and said “Mama” to me. That’s my girl!
TS has her school Christmas Pageant this evening. Should be interesting. I fully expect her to announce she’s “shy” as soon as we get there & not be willing to go up with her class and sing. At best, she’ll probably go up there, but look at the floor & not sing. We took her to Bonfonte Gardens Sunday (hey, she’d gone 24 hours without throwing up & damit we prepaid those tickets!) She had a blast. They sat on Santa’s lap there & I got a pretty cute picture of both of them this time. (Need to scan it in.) BS didn’t cry this time she just stared in awe at him. TS got off his lap & said, “I told him I wanted my Hello Kitty camera! I’m so happy now!”
It's the little things right?
Monday, December 04, 2006
On Friday, instead of cleaning the house I decided to hit the mall (with both kids, cause I’m a glutton for punishment like that) and go see Santa. Actually, TS was in a really good mood and her hair was looking really cute, so I decided to grab the opportunity while it existed. I’m pretty pleased with the result. BS isn’t smiling, but in about 2.3 seconds from when this was taken she decided she was NOT being held by this freaky stranger with facial hair. So all things considered it’s a really good picture.
I’ve realized that having two kids under the age of 5 means that it is very likely that we will not have ANY “good” family pix for the next 5 years or so. Inevitably someone will be looking the wrong direction or making a freaky face or blink even! In consideration of that; it’s a damn fine pix and the only one I may get for the next five years or so.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
So do you have an ongoing commentary of blog entries in your head as you go through your day? Or does this make me crazy too? I find that everything I do is accompanied by a narrative of that event for my blog. So I guess you should be thankful that I’m so busy or can you imagine how freaking boring my blog would be? You’d get thrilling narratives about my bad hair day or reheating my lunch. Wohoo! EX-CI-TING!
Alright, now that I’ve bored you to my level of tiredness I’m going to go pump. Moo!
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
No worries. We’re all ok. Everyone is (relatively) well again & I’m just trying to keep my head above water still, which is the reason why this post will be so short.
A large part of my problem now is the new drugs I’m on. I’m totally zinging on them. I feel like I’m on No Doze; I’m BONE TIRED. If you’ve ever been pregnant it’s the kind of tired you get when you’re in you’re first trimester. Yeah, that kind of “crawl under you desk in the middle of the day” kind of tired. BUT, my mind is on a whole different plane of existence; it’s racing. And by racing I don’t mean moving fast, I mean like someone with ADD on Meth. It’s a bit distracting. Yeah, that’s the word. One of my friends told me it’s my hormones getting into check. Let’s hope they do soon, I do not like this feeling at all. On the upside, I am not bursting into tears at the drop of a hat, so I guess that’s progress.
In the meantime, we’ve had Thanksgiving (which according to my mother, I ruined, but in true dysfunctional Speak fashion no one is discussing it anymore, so it’s like it never happened. I had a small spat with my brother, which we were over in like 3 minutes; other people got upset with me for responding to him. He acts like that all the time, I usually ignore him, but that day I got pissed. I’m the bad guy cause I didn’t ignore for a change. Whatever.)
We got and decorated our Christmas tree—yes, we’re those people (people who have their decorations up before the first of December) this year. I’ve never been one of those people before, it’s kind of weird. Our friends called & wanted to go cut down their tree and wanted us to go so they could use our minivan. We weren’t doing anything, so why not. Even though it cost us more then 2x as much as our usual Home Depot tree, TS is thrilled and having a blast over it. The tree will probably be dead by next weekend, but it was worth it. I had to pull out ALL of the X-mas decorations looking for our star which I never found. (I ended up getting a new one at Target.) So everything is out on the dining room table, but I got tired from decorating the tree & haven’t done the rest of it. Not really the mess I wanted to create. Hopefully, I’ll get some energy to get moving on that tonight.
And BS turned SEVEN MONTHS! I owe you a post just about that, but I want to include some gratuitous baby pix, so hopefully tonight or tomorrow.
Thanks so much for all your emails of support, it means a lot you guys. Really.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
My OB called me back Thursday night and was not happy with the fact that the office had referred me to somewhere else (who then referred me again). In the end the final referral doctor I got was the person who she would’ve directed me to (on vacation this week BTW), but she was not pleased at all about the way things went down. As DS put it, “you’d think that when someone calls and says I’m depressed they’d make it easy for you to get in, instead of making a highly unmotivated person jump through hoops like that.” Unfortunately this isn’t my first experience with this whole deal and I have to say in general it’s not an uncommon occurrence. I think part of the problem is that you aren’t “sick” in the sense of bleeding or something so often times the nurse or office person isn’t sure where to send you or how to deal with you. I have a similar issue when I actually get to see the doctor because I tend to be very rational about the whole thing.
Here’s how I do depression: if I get my arce out of the house you would never know anything is wrong. I get my self presentable; dressed in matching, clean clothes, (something I don't always manage when I'm not depressed, maybe should be the first clue,) make up on, hair done, etc… If you talk to me I will do my best to avoid any personal topics, and therefore will come across as quite rational. At the doctor's; if I do go down road of going through my personal issues I will even be able to tell you what my issue is, that I can only change my behavior (not anyone else’s), etc, etc….I can even tell you that I get it on a rational level, (cause I do) I just can’t seem to make the jump emotionally.
The catch: I try not to leave the house when I’m depressed. So I make it to my weekly doctor's appointment and they look at me like I’m insane for thinking I’m depressed; I’m sure a large number of their patients can’t articulate their feelings, much less their issues. I’m also guessing that many of them can’t get completely dressed, etc…So they act like I’m melodramatic, catastrophising and over reacting. Until…..I get so freaked out at home one day and don’t know how to control my sense of being overwhelmed, anxious or stop crying so I try to write it all down. I then take this nonsense to my shrink at which time they practically jump out their chair indicating that they “had no idea” I was having all these issues, and they I start to get some help.
Maybe I’ll take this blog post with me to my first visit, it should cut down on my need to meet as often.
Anyway, my OB wanted to see me in person regardless, so I went in. She told me that she doesn’t normally start out with a prescription, but since I have a history (of eating my young) and know what depression is and how it feels she doesn’t want me to wait on this one. So I got some drugs. I haven’t been on these before so hopefully they will work. In the meantime I’m doing things like (getting the flu) trying to write down all the things I did get done that day instead of hyper focusing on the ones that didn’t happen (and then beating myself up over it.)
A good friend sent me flowers this week (to brighten my day, which they did, they also made me cry and feel pathetic and needy, but that's one of my issues.) I wanted to post a pix of them cause they’re so pretty and they mean so much, but this is one of those things I haven’t’ gotten to (yet.) Normally I’d have missed my opportunity & they’d be wilting by now, but apparently 1-800-flowers gives you your money’s worth because they’re still gorgeous. So you may still get to see them.
Now, onto the house of Ill. Jeez, we’ve been sick!!! I finally took BS into the doctor (yesterday) cause I figured this thing was going to get it’s worst on Thanksgiving Day. I was right, the doctor said it probably is the cold she had a couple weeks ago as it’s moving into her ear & lungs. Doc was most impressed with her nose, when he looked up it, he exclaimed, “Wow”. Not a good sign. He said it’s pretty irritated, swollen & mucous-y in there. Well, duh. Got her some antibiotics so hopefully some relief very soon here.
I somehow developed a stomach virus on Monday. I made it to work and about 15 minutes into it got sick. I didn’t feel sick, but I had to change my clothes. (Yes, I was that sick.) Since I was scared to be away from a toilet for too long and I had an afternoon doctor’s appointment I stayed at home. And. Developed. The. Flu. Let me tell you watching a snotty 7 month old and about to be snotty 3 year old, while having aches & chills; no fun. (Even when you’re bribing them to just lay on the floor or you, by letting them watch episode after episode of Little Einsteins and Mickey Mouse Club House.) Poor DS got home & I handed him the baby and said, “you can do what you want for dinner, I’m going to bed.” Yesterday was better, but today I’m nauseated again. But I’m back at work, cause it’s more work at home with two kids.
So in summary; our kitchen counter looks like pharmacy, the pharmacist at Walgreens knows us by name & sight now and it’s been a long, long week.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
So more later when we’ve all recovered. If I don’t make it on here before, “Happy Turkey Day!!!”
Thursday, November 16, 2006
I haven’t written this week because I feel like I’m super negative & bringing everyone down. I’m fine, I’ll be fine, I’m just having a bi-polar, major PMS freak out. No seriously, don’t worry the kids are fine and I’m not going to harm anyone, I’m just having trouble controlling my emotions sometimes and can’t stop crying. But it’ll be ok, it’ll all work out it always does. I got a referral to a doctor (my old doctor still hasn’t called me back, nice, huh?) & have a call into her. I'll keep you posted.
So what has been going on during this time is that my kids keep growing on me (I refuse to say they are growing up). BS will be SEVEN MONTH next week. Christ, how the hell did that happen??? It’s just so wrong! She’s supposed to stay my little baby, doesn’t she know that? Didn’t she get the memo? Oh yeah, she can’t read. Damit! So she’s been hitting some milestones;
- Eating solid foods; sweet potatoes, squash, carrots, green beans (not so big on the green beans)
- Sleeping through the night. She was doing this before & her reflux started waking her up for the 3-4 AM feeds. Now that she’s on the new medication she’ll sleep for 8-10 hours. Queue Angels singing.
- Rolling over. She’s perfected the sit up, drop on stomach, roll over to back, roll back over to front. Very good at it in fact. She has not made the connection that if she continues to roll she can actually get places, but it’s just a matter of time. I’m not telling her, so you keep your mouth shut too.
- Drinking from a sippy cup! This one alarms me. It’s way too early for it. She tries to take my water bottles from me all the time. If you give her one she immediately puts it in her mouth & tries to drink from it. On a whim last night I gave her a sippy figuring she wouldn’t be able to do it. I was wrong. She isn’t allowed to have one again until she’s one.
TS, not to be outdone, has hit some milestones too. Not the kind you usually equate with a 3YO, but milestones nonetheless. Apparently, we have a 3YO going on 13:
- The privacy milestone: I open bathroom door since she’s been in there for 10 minutes, scream, “Mom, I need my privacy!”
- The locking (and unlocking) the door milestone: see above.
- The Tween milestone: (again in the bathroom)
MS: “Whatcha doing in there honey?”
TS: “My hair.”’
MS: “Um, ok, well it’s time for dinner so come on out.”
TS: “I can’t, I’m busy doing my hair right now.”
Ok, well now you can come do my hair cause it’s apparently turning grey from how fast you two are growing up on me. Stop it NOW or you’re both getting a time out.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Keep your fingers crossed for me, last time I couldn’t get into this therapist for months. The one I had to “settle” for was less then stellar and honestly I think I mostly worked out my depression on my own last time.
On a positive note (Yes, I do have one occasionally these days) BS is doing much, much better. She just seems happier & more comfortable. And she’s SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT, still. She’s babbling a lot and seems to be associating “mamamamama” with me and “dadadadada” with DS. So smart. Wink.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
BS has been on the reflux meds for 6 days now; I have not had any spit up lodged down an article of clothing in the last 3 days! (She has a knack for getting it down my shirt and bra or the other night she hit a new low—down my jeans!!! Very attractive I know.) That doesn’t mean she hasn’t spit up on me or spit up at all for that matter. It just means she isn’t projectile vomiting. I am hopeful for the first time in months. The spitting up also seems to be limiting itself to during or right after eating, it’s a good sign. So far, no side effects. She has also been sleeping through the night for most of those 6 days. TS’s cold had gotten me up at the usual 3 or 4 AM slot during several nights, but the last three have been completely devoid of interruption. Did you hear the heavens open up & the angels signing? I think we maybe on the downhill on this one.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Great. It just keeps getting better.
On the up side TS did finally agree to take her medicine & has been much better for it. This afternoon now she asked to take a nap. She does NOT nap, so she’s really sick. Right now, they’re both napping. I know, OMG! I never thought I'd utter those words. So, what am I doing with this time? Am I catching up on that elusive sleep? Am I cleaning my disgusting house? Am I exercising? Nooooooooooooooooo, I’m blogging, of course.
Listen, if I thought they’d let me sleep for anywhere near an hour I’d be all over it, but realistically it’s half an hour tops. So forget it, I’ll just end up frustrated.
On a more serious note, BS’s appointment went well. He upped her meds and he wants to start her on the drug that actually treats the reflux instead of just the acid. He said, (insert Swedish accent, I want you to have the full effect) “She had true reflux because she projectiles hours after she eats, so it’s not overflow, it’s an actual problem with the maturity of the muscle and a slow emptying stomach.” This is opposed to fake reflux I guess? I told him I was lukewarm on doing those meds because they do treat your nervous system & the side effects are irritability and sleep disruption.
I don’t know, it’s a big deal, she’s a little baby…I’m a mom who isn’t sure what to do.
He told me that the drug has been around since the 50s so they actually know a lot about the side effects of it and that it’ll either be helping or not within a couple days. If not, we take her off it & there are no residual affects. I guess I feel better about that. I’ll feel a lot better if she gets relief AND has no side effects. (The side effects only happen 5% of the time, so there’s a really good chance she won’t have them.) I’ll keep you updated on how that one goes.
Ok, I’m off to try and pick up the house a bit. Maybe, just maybe I’ll get to walk this afternoon and USE MY NEW F'ing STROLLER FINALLY!!! But with two sick kids I doubt it.
TS has a rotten cold. She started with it yesterday and this AM got me up at 6 crying at my door,(I was back in bed hoping to get to sleep till 7:30 after a 4 AM wake/feeding w/BS) “I don’t feel good mommy!” It was more like wailing and I couldn’t get her to take any medicine. She might have a swollen throat too, but I can’t get a good look at it. She’s too upset about not feeling good. I got frustrated and finally said, “Fine, call me back when you’re ready to take your medicine,” thinking she say, “don’t go, I’ll take it.” Which is her typical deal, but instead she rolled over & is trying to sleep. I say trying cause she’s got a horrible cough and I can’t imagine there’s much resting/sleeping actually happening. I’m sure the GI’s office will be thrilled when I walk in w/my germy big kid today.
My folks left for Mexico for a week today. Good and bad. The bad part; I have to put BS in day care 3 days next week & I'm a freaking basket case over it. She's so little & even though TS goes to this school, I'm just not feeling warm & fuzzy about BS spending all day there. It's not them, it's me. So, the good part; My mom has been really, really negative lately:
I got my stroller and she came in and saw it and said, (very sarcastic tone)
“Who do you think is going to ride in that? TS won’t ride in that. Guess you
don’t have to worry about anyone ever taking it. She doesn’t like the color or
the price, but won’t come out and say it, so she’s super passive-aggressive
about her feelings on it. The other night, in a relevant conversation, I
mentioned to her that I can’t find my sewing machine right now (it got put
somewhere safe while unpacking and now I can’t remember where it is) & she
held up her hand for me to stop talking, (Cause she’s apparently so disgusted
with me,) turned around and walked away from me!
If a friend responded to me in this way, well, they wouldn’t be a friend would they? It’s no wonder I’ve had problems with depression. She couldn’t be more of a be-yoch if she tired. Sigh, I just don’t have the bandwidth to deal with her any more right now. I’m sure TS’s cold is somehow my fault as well.
It’s good that I’m getting a break for the next week.
TS is back up. I’ll update you on the GI appointment & I want to write about Halloween, but need to post some pix too—soon, I promise!
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
It’s so hard, because most of the time you are so damn happy I can’t stand it. You entertain yourself with your toys (you’re especially fond of your lion & whozit) and you already “play” with your sister, which is soooo awesome because I so want you both to be good friends and it seems like you already are. You started food this week and as expected, you love it. I can’t feed you fast enough and you get so upset when we’re done, but that’s ok, I’m trying to make sure you don’t eat too much in a sitting and make your poor little tummy worse. You’re best time of day is at night, you eat about 8 & are ready to par-tay. You’re so much fun during this time. Daddy and I get you all to ourselves (cause big sis is in bed) and you giggle and play peek-a-boo with us until you finally drop off in Daddy’s arms. I do a sleep-feed with you and then we recline on the couch for half an hour (because you have to stay upright for at least 30 minutes after eating.) It’s a nice excuse to get to hold you & snuggle.
.....And then the reflux kicks in, and you and I are doing our 3AM dance with your little legs pumping to make it stop and your alternating screams and whimpers. I hate this. I hate that I have to work and be away from you during your happy hours. I’m less then you (and everyone else for that matter) deserves these days because I’m not getting much sleep. I’m so sorry you have to go though this sweetie. They keep saying it will get better, and it has to some degree. But I pray for the days when we both get to sleep through the night and play all day. I know they’re coming. In the meantime, Miss BS, I will dance with you however long you need me too. I love you so much.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
I talked to the Dr about my stress related to SIDS and reflux and he told me what I already knew; no known correlation. He also told me that while reflux is being diagnosed much more now; the incidence of SIDS has not gone up, which is good. And the risk of SIDS goes down exponentially at 4 months, 6 months & a year. I guess that makes me feel a little better. If my sleep gets better then we’ll know for sure. He told me to go ahead and start food with her, so last night she got to have some yams with us. DS wanted to know if she ran over to the doctor to give him a hug; this kid wants to eat people food so bad it’s not funny. I only gave her an ounce so if it wreaked havoc on her stomach it wasn’t so much, but she seems to be fine.
Ok, this is such a boring post I’m falling asleep. Not just from sleep deprivation, cause BS has slept at least 7 hours the last 4 nights; actually 10 hours the last two, so maybe the medicine is working. But I felt obligated to let you know what’s happening, going to the doctor and all.
Hopefully new baby pictures later in the week. I know it’s been a while. We’ll see, w/Halloween and all I may not be able to get anything up before that.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
BS seems better. We’ve had 4 nights in a row w/6-7 hours of strait sleep! Getting to sleep was another story, so it’s not great, but it's better (I’m sure I just jinxed that now & will be up with her in a couple hours again.) We go to the doctor’s (pediatrician, as opposed to the GI Specialist, yes I feel like I live over there. All our doctors seem to be in the same complex so I’m pretty sure I’m getting my own parking space pretty quick here,) for her 6 month (I know, how the heck did that happen??? She’s too little to be SIX MONTHS OLD already!!!) appointment tomorrow. So I have a list of questions for him to refer me to others about. (Ok was that paragraph distracting enough? That how my brain is ALL THE TIME NOW.)
I’m creating new things to get stressed over with her. I sort of don’t want to mention it because my anxiety level is so high over it already. (It’s related to SIDS and kids with reflux and there I said it, so maybe it’ll go away & I can sleep for a change.) I have no reason to be anxious over this, she hasn’t done anything for me to think this is a problem. I just got an idea in my head about it and now I’m totally stressing about it. Apparently, I must just need more drama in my life. I should know if I can officially get stressed about this tomorrow after our appointment.
OK, so “Look! Something shiny!!” Long story, but I’m getting my X-mas/B-day/Mother’s Day gift from this last year. I just bought it. DS, while well intentioned, did the “here’s what I want to order you off the Internet” thing for these gifts last year, but then we never followed through. So I finally found something ridiculously expensive and I’m justifying the purchase by remembering that I never actually got any of those gifts. Do you like it? I do. I haven’t been walking very regularly since I started work and a large part of my excuse is that BS has gotten too heavy for me to carry her in the front pack while pushing TS in the jogging stroller. Remember I have a dog on each side when I do this. I’ve put on 5 lbs as a result (the emotionally eating I’m doing over BS’s problems isn’t helping either I’m sure) So I can push both of them in this (easily, our friends have one so I tried theirs out) and still walk the dogs. No more excuses. Plus the cost alone will make me use it every day for the next year.
Ok, that was my version of keeping it short.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Wash, rinse, repeat…
And so goes the wee hours of my mornings.
I hate to listen to my baby hurting. The lack of sleep wouldn’t bother me nearly as much if my staying up would somehow bring her some relief. But instead she’s in pain & I’m exhausted. I guess it could be worse, she could be waking up the rest of the house. I have a call into her GI specialist about what I should expect from the medicine and when. I stopped eating soy (luna bars) on Tuesday, on Sunday I drop dairy. Then I’ll be really fun to be around. Thing is, she’s happy most of the time. Very sweet, fun, happy and then come middle of the night all hell breaks loose on her insides.
I just wish I could fix this for her.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
I F’ing hate it here! Ok, I don’t hate it. But I don’t love it either. I actually spent most of the morning in meetings finding out just how F’ed up this place is. Honestly I don’t care. I really don’t. Since I don’t care I’m not that inclined to help them fix it which is what is going to be expected of me. Because of the reorg I am being asked to do many things which I had no part in previously. The fact that a few managers saw my resume and realized I know how to do these things hasn’t helped the matter. That same fact (that I’ve done these things before at other company’s) is why I don’t want to do any of it. These are all things my previous boss dealt with. She worked full time. I, do not. This is what I would call a cluster fuck. Not a new term when dealing with business, just something I really don’t want to deal with anymore. I have one of those (a CF) going on at home, I don’t need anyone else’s. So instead of working on a plan to fix the crap at work, I went through our spending for the last 6 months to see where we stand. (If there were a chance in hell that I could stay home. Hahahahahahahaha…) We fall right into the category of needing my husband’s salary plus $1. Amalah’s description, not mine, but an accurate one, so I’m stealing it. We need ONE of my paychecks to be comfortable. It’s very frustrating. At this point we couldn’t get a cheaper mortgage by buying a smaller house, so no need to suggest it. When we moved last year I made sure we set things up so that our mortgage payment stayed the same; i.e.--more money down. (We’re paying the same for our 5 bdrm house as we did for our 2 bdrm. Crazy I know.) It’s a smart move & in a couple years it’ll be really smart, but I want it to be that smart RIGHT NOW! I realize that part of my problem is that I get no breaks now. Before TS went to school two days a week & I could “get things done” on those days. (I could've even napped, what was I thinking????) Now, I’m at work while she’s at school. No Breaks. I need one. I’m tired and sad & don’t want to be here. Sigh.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Yeah, so that reflux thing, not going so well. Actually BS might be better today. She slept most of the night last night & didn’t really get upset until later in the evening. But since I wrote last, she’s been getting up around 3:30-4 every morning. On the one night when she stayed up late (1 AM) I ended up getting up with TS over bad dreams at 3 AM. Since BS slept though her 3 AM thing she decided to get up at 5:30 that morning. They’re plotting against me I’m sure.
The outlaws left today. I’d send out a cheer, but I’m too tired. It was an ok visit. It was intrusive as usual, but less intrusive then past visits, so count your blessings right? I realized during this visit that I’m good for about 4 days (a long weekend) maybe 5 and then I’m done. (i.e.—I start getting bitchy) During my 5 ½ years of marriage I’ve concluded that I’m a somewhat private person. (I didn’t realize not everyone is like that until I met my Outlaws.) I lived a lone for several years before meeting DS and I enjoy an evening here and there alone with a book or the remote ALL BY MYSELF. DS is also like this, but his parents, my outlaws (at least my MIL) don’t really get that. I can tell she tries to give me some space once in a while, but it’s not in her nature & she can’t back off completely. So their visits become exhausting. Because I can tell she’s trying (the trying part is new) I am trying not to be so bitchy. So visit went ok. They’re talking about coming back at X-mas. Woo!
I went out both nights this weekend too. (I guess I could tell everyone that my lack of sleep is from all the FUN I was having. HA! That’s almost funny.) Friday afternoon a girlfriend called & asked me to go w/a group to this wine tasting bar nearby. I figured I would fall on my face after half a glass, but decided I really NEEDED to go. It was fun. We even went to the pub next door and had a drink after we were done wine tasting. You know, like real adults! (The rat-bastard working the door at the pub didn’t ID us! I know ,how rude!!!) On Saturday, DS & I went out on like a real date. We went to this restaurant Straits; very good food. It was fun to do something just the two of us. This was a also a good chance to see what “the kids” are wearing these days. Oh My! (It’s the 80’s again.) So glad I’m not in the dating scene any more. Ok, I need to get my 45 minutes of sleep now. More later.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
So we had our appointment w/the Pediatric GI Specialist yesterday. The day before we met with him our regular doctor called & informed us that she had “severe reflux”. Oook, what does that mean exactly? We kinda knew that right? I mean that’s why we’re going to the specialist, right?
So anyway, I think the specialist was impressed with how much we’d done so far (eliminating dairy for a week, rice cereal in bottle, propping her up after feedings, various levels of drugs, etc…) He would like me to eliminate soy (read: luna bars) for 5 days and then if I feel up to it to add dairy along with it to see if it makes a notable difference in her condition. Bah, my lifeblood; Luna bars & vente mochas. Before I do that I’m going to give her 5 days on the round of meds so I have a baseline to know how much improvement is from the medication & how much is from the change in diet. He also wanted to know about how often she poops; the more she goes the less there is to come up right? She goes every 2nd or 3rd day (which is really weird to me because you could’ve set a clock by TS, the kid went like every day at 11 AM. I know that’s actually a little weird, but I meant it when I said the kid liked schedules.) He said BS is normal, but with what is going on with her it’d be better if she were to be going every day, so she now has some pear juice added to her rice cereal. We’ll see how that goes. Should boost my stats since my readership goes up whenever I discuss poop.
The meds he put her on are a stronger version of what she’s currently taking. These are both acid blockers & don’t actually treat the reflux problem, but knock down the stomach acid so the child isn’t hurting so much. If this doesn’t resolve the problem they‘ll go to a round of drugs that actually treats the reflux itself. They don’t like to prescribe these drugs if they don’t have to because they can have some significant side effects.
So we’re all good right? Except that the pharmacy doesn’t carry the drugs he prescribed her in the medium he wants (they have it as pills, not so good for an infant). The pharmacy wanted me to call him & get him to go with a different drug & I told them they needed to discuss it with him, I wasn’t playing intermediary. If the doctor feels strongly either way they could work it out. Just get my kid something to give her some relief! They apparently couldn’t work it out before business hours ended yesterday so I wasn’t able to get the drugs until this AM (doctor insisted on the original prescription he wrote.) We gave her the drugs she’s been taking as usual and thought it would be fine. Hahahahahahahah, that's what we get for thinking...we really could’ve used the new stuff.
First some background; TS is sick with a really bad cold. She stayed home (with my mom, the Outlaws went to the beach for the day yesterday, yes they're still here too) from school, which is another story in itself. Anyway, after the appointment I had TWO SICK KIDS at home with me. No freaking fun. BS spent the afternoon & evening screaming & TS vacillated between meltdowns and playing quietly, more on the meltdowns then the playing quietly. In the end BS was up till about midnight last night being super fussy & “spiting up” (lately it’s gotten to be much more projectile, she should be hitting the milestone of her head spinning around very soon now). At 3:30 this AM she was back up, inconsolable. It took me till 5 to get her back to sleep. I emailed work that I wouldn’t be in until noon. I figured with the Outlaws here I could sleep in till 9, get ready for work, nurse her, get her meds & then get off to work. I did do all of that, but BS woke up screaming at 8 again, so less sleep for me still. I’m feeling so bad for her (And for me too now that I read all of this) I did get her meds so hopefully some RELIEF tonight.
So that is why I’m getting my ass kicked on a daily basis.
Monday, October 09, 2006
So BS had her baptism yesterday & the outlaws are visiting for the week. I can’t really write much because of their visit (limited computer time). The party for the baptism was really nice and I’m glad it’s over. (Too much time w/my mom—I’ll fill you in later.)
But look! Gratuitous baby photo! Baby in impressively cute christening gown! (Father’s grandmother’s gown & bonnet to be exact.) And look, mom w/hair blown out AND make up!! Yes, in fact it was a full moon.
Today we had an upper GI for BS to confirm her reflux. Which she does have, and let me say I have the most excellent baby ever! She couldn’t eat 4 hours before the test which was at 9 this morning. I had good intentions of getting up at 4:30 to feed her hahahahahahaha, let me pick myself up off the floor now. That obviously didn’t happen. So she hadn’t eaten since 8 PM the night before. I expected her to be screaming the whole time in the waiting room, but not at all. And during the x-ray part she laid really still & was super good. She let us turn her which ever way we needed no problem, & drank the crap they needed her to drink like a trooper. We got home I gave her the milk I pumped earlier & has been good all day. The radiologist confirmed she has reflux (thanks, do you think the fact that she spewed all over me right after the test clued him in?) and that they didn’t see anything else. That was actually useful and good news. So on Wednesday we go to a pediatric GI specialist. I have no idea what to expect from that. I'll keep you posted. More fun!
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
I started back to work this week & will probably write about the chaos that is my life right now sometime tomorrow. You know, while at work when I actually have the time to do something like that. Also, I get to go to the restroom ALONE while there. What a novelty. However, I digress….
Just got a link to our friend’s photos. It was her daughter’s b-day & they had the party during the weekend I went to my SIL’s to crop, so I missed it. I think that was in August? Anyway she just posted the pix and this one caught my eye.
Actually, it took my breath away.
TS takes lots of photos in which (I think) she’s cute or pretty or sweet. Photos you can see her quirky personality in, or that she wasn’t really up for photos that day. There’s even one in this group where she looks so much like her father its sort of scary. (He would’ve been a good-looking girl, who knew?)
But this photo;
her hair’s a mess, her face is obscured by it, so you can’t really see how beautiful her blue eyes are and she’s not smiling or looking at the camera. I think it’s because it’s such an unexpected pose that I find that how stunningly beautiful she is and will be.
It is a picture such as this that I can see the women I believe she will become and it takes my breath away.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Random musings about trip: TS is 40” tall (who knew) and could pretty much ride anything she wanted and did. She is an E Ticket girl! Note roller coaster photos. We saw & talked to Terri Hatcher. She was at the park w/her daughter. Her daughter liked one of S’s toys and my mom had a conversation with her about said toy & where to find it. This was much less exciting then meeting the Princesses, the real stars, as you’ll read.
Disney somehow managed to make us feel like the park was catering specifically to us. I have to mention that ALL of the characters were unbelievable in their attention to our child. Even with long lines for the popular ones they took the time to have a conversation with them, big hugs, autographs and of course, pictures. On the drive down TS kept telling me she wanted to meet Goofy. (Recent focus of Mickey Mouse Club House episode.) We were having breakfast w/him & characters the next day so I knew we’d see him, but told her probably not till tomorrow. Wouldn’t you know it; we walk into the hotel lobby & guess who greets us? I mean I could’ve called ahead to ask for that & wouldn’t have gotten it. She was super excited & it was a great omen for our trip. This was the first time I got all teary.
We had a similar experience on day 3 when we went to see Pooh. I knew Pooh would be out (he’s the Mickey of Critter Country) so I told her we’d be seeing him and she asks for Eeyore. Who the heck asks for Eeyore??? I told her I didn’t know, but as we were in line to meet Pooh, Eeyore & Tigger come out and we had enough adults to double up in lines so we got done w/Pooh and went to meet the other two without much time in line at all. Amazing.
We did do lunch w/the princesses on Friday and it too was amazing, (note my overuse of the word amazing) & exhausting for us adults who were trying to gulp down our lunches while grabbing cameras & autograph books for the next one coming in. TS was awestruck & it was worth it. BUT Sleeping Beauty wasn’t there. Go Figure. So we kept trying to meet her in the park. Every time we’d get to where she comes out we’d find the line to already be closed off. Jeez, talk about a popular girl. So on the last day our focus was just to get this girl’s autograph, damit! We weren’t leaving till we got it. I had a good idea of her schedule (top of the hour) and location (right side of the castle) so we were on it. We got to the park & got in line. She’d just come out, whew, cool we will get this done & actually get to ride some rides before heading home. While we’re standing there Cinderella comes out, so TS goes running over to where she is, along with a dozen or so other girls & parents. Cinderella promptly grabs the hands of two girls dressed as Cinderella and Snow White & then tells Snow White to take TS’s hand and off they go across the castle area. I shout to DS to stay in line, grab the camera & we’re off, snapping pictures as we go! (Talk about an entourage!) I totally felt like the paparazzi or something. By the time we get to their location, Snow White has left & Cinderella (the character, not the other little girl) is now holding TS’s hand. The mother of the little girl dressed as Cinderella told her daughter to let TS go first so (big) Cinderella sits down and picks up TS, puts her in her lap and has a huge conversation with her. I. AM. DYING. I swear I practically peed myself. We get done with that & head back over to DS who has one person in front of him, so once again, very little waiting for TS, which means everyone is happy. She has a big conversation w/Sleeping Beauty as the line behind us is very short and Sleeping Beauty (Schlepping Booty as she is referred to in our house) feels she can take her time. How lucky are we???? We finish up with her and walk off to Snow White’s wishing well. I’m holding TS up to look in & we’re listening to the recording of Snow White signing, when Snow White herself walks up behind us and starts talking to TS. (I swear I practically crapped myself.) More hugs & pictures. We get done there and walk into Fantasyland and I burst into tears. Shit, I’m tearing up right now writing about it. I know I’m a complete dork, but I personally have vivid memories as a 3YO, and while TS may not really remember this, she just might. It turned out to be such an event in itself. I am so very glad to have gotten the opportunity to experience this through her eyes.
So like I said, it was a magical time.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Disneyland was amazing and fun, and everything I'd hoped it would be for TS. I'm dying to tell you all about it, but for now I need to post that BS is FIVE MONTHS today (well, yesterday cause I didn't get on here till now, midnight, but hey it's the thought, right?) To celebrate this she rolled over on the floor today (She's been rolling over, but only on soft high surfaces like bed. You know, just to freak her mother out.) I need to get to bed, but I must say, once again, she's amazing and fun and basically (except for this 4 AM thing) really easy going.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
I AM GOING TO DISNEYLAND!!!
I’ve always wanted to do that.
I would rather the thing I just finished not be most of a night (in which I should’ve been sleeping) with a barfing baby. Apparently, BabySpeak does not tolerate formula so hot any more. Poor thing has been really sick, she doesn’t even cry she just sits there as it comes up cause she’s so tired from it. Needless she’s sleeping in her bouncy chair tonight; i.e. –upright.
So we’re off to the Mouse House & to see the Fab Four (Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Belle & Snow White, of course. Duh!)
Be back in a few days, doubt if I’ll be blogging during this time (my mom might figure out my blog URL & then I’d be screwed.) So everyone get into the suitcase we’re leaving at 6AM sharp!
Monday, September 18, 2006
I may have mentioned that my hubby works for a large biotech company? A very successful, large biotech? Well they celebrated their 30th anniversary today and hosted a company party. It was for employees and one adult guest (ok, you could bring kids between 10-21), lots of food, ice cream, BEER, drinks, (yes, all free,) etc…and the entertainment? Oh, the entertainment was the Foo Fighters, Bob Dylan, THE BLACK EYED PEAS and The Eagles. (I know you're impressed because that lineup pretty much covers most musical tastes. So while BEP might not mean much to you, I'll bet you're drooling over Dylan, or not.)
Um, yeah, my company let us host a potluck last Christmas, but only during our lunch break.
It’s good to be King. (And not so bad to be married to him either.)
TS: Getting up from her chair & coming over to me, eye level w/BS in my lap. Mama I love BS.
MS: BS loves you too. BS beams at TS (as usual).
TS: Hugging BS. She loves me too!
BS wraps her little arms around her sister’s neck & hugs back. Gawd, could you cry or what?
MS: I told you.
And I believe she truly does. Just wait till she starts crawling & gets into your Barbie’s honey.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
BS has the reflux again. Bad. It’s been getting worse, but I kept thinking it would get better (I’ve been told it starts to end about 3-4 months—filthy liars!) She stopped sleeping though the night last Thursday because of it. Last night, instead of waking up in the middle of the night she just stayed up late unhappy (til midnight) and then got up at FIVE FUCKING AM!!! I know most parents of a 4 month old would be doing cartwheels over 5 strait hours of sleep. But my child has been doing stints of 10+ until that and I would very much like her to go back to that please. We finally started her on reflux meds 2 days ago. Already her spitting up (which also has been getting progressively worse) has slowed way down. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
BS had her 4 month appointment. She’s 50% in length (24”) and 10% (almost) in weight (11 lbs 15 oz.) She’s petite. We saw some friends this week who have a baby exactly two months younger and they’re the same size! After that, I was little nervous the doctor was going to get on me about her size, (mom guilt) but not at all. Whew! They suggested that the reflux issues might have to do with her intake of food being more, but her stomach not being stretched out yet, if she prone to it coming up anyway, then this will just contribute.
BS also started “solid food” (i.e.—very soupy rice cereal) this week. She’s so ready to eat its kind of funny; she does the thing where she opens her mouth when you’re opening yours to put food in. She’s so tiny; it’s like dude I so wouldn’t give this to you anyway! Dr suggested we stick w/rice cereal until reflux is fully under control so as not to make it worse w/acid from food.
TS is doing great in her new school. I get notes from the teacher about how she’s just fallen right in w/the class, she’s “super-polite, extremely good at sharing, taking turns and following directions. They just love having her there.” I’m really proud of her. Of course, she makes me feel like crap cause every time I pick her up and ask her about her day she tells me “I didn’t play with S, he isn’t there”. S is her best buddy from her old school. Say it with me: Mom Guilt. (I know, I know, she’ll be fine.)
BS is being baptized the first weekend of October and my mother is driving me nuts over it. She calls me like 3x a day (at least) over it. She’s sure I won’t send out the invites correctly, or clean up my house or order the wrong food... I don’t know why she thinks it’s ok to say the things she says, (cause they're rude at best) but she does. I’m trying to just flow with it and ignore her, I have bigger fish to fry (like the fact that I will be starting back to work that week, DS will be away all week at a conference and the outlaws will be staying with us—each of those things on their own frag me out, so OHMYGOD!!!) It’s definitely more her thing then mine and she’s just excited right? But SIL pointed out that she tends to get her way on this stuff because that’s what we all do; we let her roll over us because we get tired of hearing it. (Just like my MIL!!!) So true, I’m sure I’ll tell her off in the next couple days and you’ll get to hear about it.
DS has some really exciting stuff going on at work. It's super great for him, tons of visablity and a really big deal (I think) but it also means he's been really busy.
I start work in like 2 weeks and I’m Freaking. The. F. Out. over it. I don't want to talk about it. But we will. Later. (Trust me it’s probably all we’ll be talking about soon.)
I’m going to Disneyland in FIVE days! Yeah
I’m going to bed now.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
(remember my daughter goes to speech therapy)
But Mommy I want to lick your (s)poon.
DS on the floor laughing.
Monday, September 11, 2006
I’m not much of a sleuth, but then I haven’t been able to dedicate the time required to be honest. Since Abby was a mom I think she’d understand. I have much in common with her. I am the mom of two daughters. My girls are still very young (3 years & 4 months) but from the comments I’ve been able to find on some existing tribute sites I know that Abby was close to her daughters. They’re in their mid-twenties now (they were 14 & 17 in 2001). I am sure they miss her greatly. Wow is that the understatement of the year. I know that for me my biggest fear in life is that I will die too soon. What’s “too soon”? That I’ll miss some of my children’s life. I know that I will miss part of it, but that’s (supposed to be) so very far away. I want to see them go through their school years, and graduate from college. I want to see them get married and have children. I want to meet my grandchildren. I want to watch my daughters become mothers. I want to watch my children go through their successes and failures in life and be better people for it. And I want to be there to help them along and hopefully help them learn how to be happy in life. I think this is the wish of all moms. Abby missed some of that and it’s not fair. It’s not fair to her and it’s not fair to her daughters (or her husband, brothers, sisters, parents…she had a big family). I know, “life’s not fair”. But that doesn’t mean her life being cut short isn’t incredibly sad. I could write this tribute and talk about the events of 9/11 and how the world has changed, but Abby (and most of the others who died that day) were not aware of the why or even the how the world was changing at that moment. Think about it, none of us really were.
What I think is important is that we give a thought to those who were lost and how very much we miss them in our lives now. I believe they know we’re thinking of them and hopefully Abby is smiling knowing that even though I never met her, she has touched my life in a small way and that today along with many others, I’m thinking of her.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
TS starts her new school tomorrow and I’m nervous for her. I’m sure it will be fine, but she was so happy at her old school and I’m feeling major guilt over changing her. Will keep you posted on how it goes.
DS just came downstairs, he’d already headed up to bed (I’m not far behind) and taps me on the shoulder (I'm in the process of typing this):
MS: You need back on here?
DS: No, check it out (points to his face)
He takes my hand & runs it on his cheek
MS: You shaved? Nice (uh, ok, you shave all the time)
DS: I shaved w/5 MF’ing blades is what I’m talking about (cracks up)
He got some free razor in the mail the other day.MS: So what, did you take a few layers of skin off too? You are a dork.
But I do have to say, it was smooth as a baby’s butt (and I know baby’s butts these days.)
Sunday, August 27, 2006
On the topic of 9/11, this is something I have a very, very, very hard time discussing. I’ve mentioned before that the event basically helped to put me into a full depressive episode. I try not to think about it too much, it brings back all those feelings and honestly feeling nothing is better then feeling like that. If I had lost someone close to me in the attacks I’m not sure I’d ever be able to really move on. On this five-year anniversary I thought maybe I could do something positive to help myself (and maybe a few others) start to heal and this seemed like a good start. You should consider doing something similar (last I checked there were still about 400 names left.)
I saw something on a talk show the other day, it was two moms who had lost their sons, their circumstances aren’t important to this post, but their resolve is. One said to the other, “It will never be OK, but it will be alright.”
How very much I want to believe that.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Or my outlaws may be vistiting and I may be going batshit crazy.
Probably the later.
We went to dinner tonight and my 3YO is happily coloring her child’s menu. She finishes coloring one picture on it and holds it up for all to see.
MS: “Oh, TS you color so well!
DS: “Great job!”
Grandmother: Well now you need another one to color.
And of course, TS suddenly realizes why, yes she does need another menu to color. Right now. And if she doesn’t get one, right. the. F. now. She may just f’ing implode.
Grandmother smiles at TS, sips her water and happily watches her have a complete meltdown.
I think she's smiling because she knows I am ready to crawl under the f'ing table.
I just love it when they come to visit.
Monday, August 21, 2006
So here's the good news part; I walked him this weekend. We’ve become huge fans of The Dog Whisperer and have utilized many of his techniques with some success; however the biggest thing this dog needs is to be exercised. He’s a high-energy dog and tiring him out would go a long way toward lessening his anxiety level (according to what Cesar Milan teaches & I’m a believer, especially after today). I had great intentions with all the exercise I was going to get these dogs while on maternity leave. We were all going to get into great shape together this summer. Riiiight. I wasn’t comfortable walking Mowry by myself, much less w/another dog (Merit, who is a really shit on lead & a huge part of the problem), a baby in the snuggli and a toddler in the jogging stroller. But Cesar (we’re on a first name basis you know) has this technique with the way you put the collar/leash on them that puts them in the right frame of mind (it forces them into the accepting you as Alpha, this stance puts them into the zone or something). I wasn’t really convinced it would work all that well to be honest but hadn’t a free moment when DS was home so I could try it out. This morning the free moment finally happened. I took him out & walked him for 10 minutes with no incident. He was excellent! He was one of those dogs with a loose leash! He healed, he stopped, he slowed, and he sped up all just by my change of pace, no need for verbal commands even! It was amazing. Who are you and what did you do with my dog? I walked back home picked up Merit & walked her around the block. She too got it right away. And she’s a tougher case; more years of bad behavior on lead (she pulls like crazy till we would end up letting her off. The irony; she’s great off lead, but a turd on lead. Who’s in charge here, huh?) So I circled the block with her & then picked him back up. They were awesome! We even had a squirrel in the path & a cat, which would’ve meant lots of pulling in the past. Not so this time, a quick correction from me and they continued on, no pulling, no problem. Back around the block to pick up the jogging stroller. Once more around the block with both dogs & (empty) jogging stroller. I’ll need to practice the maneuvering of a dog in each hand while pushing the stroller, but we did it! I can’t wait to do it again tomorrow. It was awesome, why did I wait so long to try it? They were awesome. I was so proud of them. I was so proud of me.
Hopefully it wasn’t a fluke.
Friday, August 18, 2006
I’m having a rough go of it today. Not really sure why, like I said before I think I might be having a good case of “The Blues”. What I do know is that my mom is putting undue pressure on me over nothing. This is something she’s really good at. At lunch today I was saying that we were planning on going to the SF Zoo w/the outlaws when they come next week and she made a face. So I said, “What?” And she’s all, “You always do stuff like that with them.”
What have we done with them? They never want to DO anything. They come and sit around our house and drive me nuts getting into our business, so I try to find things for us all to do. When I make suggestions I get shot down 9 times out of 10. (I think it’s mostly cause they don’t want to spend the money on things, but honestly I’m not sure, it seems like they just never want to leave the house mostly. Of course, then they complain about being bored….oh the fun never ends around here, let me tell you. But that’s fodder for another post.) Know what we’ve done with them? We went to Happy Hollow. One time. That’s it. Yup, I know, seriously unfair to my parents who see the kids like Every. Other. Damn. Day. CHEEE-RIST my mother can drive me nuts sometimes. She’s trying to play the martyr, I’m not sure what her real issue is over right now, but it really, really pisses me off.
Here’s the other vent I have over her; I’m in the process of finding at new daycare/preschool for TS (you know, in my free time). I’ve narrowed it down to two in fact. The reason I’m looking to move TS (from the school she truly loves) is because her current school doesn’t take them younger then 18 months. My folks are big on traveling these days so I need a back up for BS when they go away. (My parents will be watching her & TS will go to daycare.) I don’ t want to take the girls to two separate places and changing TS while I’m on maternity leave seems like a good time to do it. If I put TS in a “real preschool” (Half days, 2x a week,) then I’ll be scrambling for back up for both girls when my folks travel and I’ll be leaving work in the middle of the day to take TS from school to daycare. Much better to work it out before hand & be dealing with one place.
So my mom calls me the other morning and starts in again about how if I want to send TS to a “real preschool” that she’d be willing to pick her up, etc… Her offer to pick up sounds really sweet right? But there’s the catch: I also know that my mother being the martyr that she is will bitch to high hell about driving across town 2x a week to pick her up. I know she’ll do this because she bitched to me about doing it with my brother’s kids. (What she really thinks is that we should put them in schools on her side of town because it's more convient for her.) What pisses me off is that she acts like we’re taking advantage of her when that’s not the case at all. The phone call this AM was like the 4th conversation we’ve had about it. I keep stating what I’m going do and she keeps bringing up the half-day preschool option. If I were to take advantage of her offer she'd be talking shit about me to everyone under the sun. The way she approoaches it also implies that I'm doing something wrong (taking TS to daycare instead of preschool) and not raising my kids correctly. See why it pisses me off.
I really think I need to go see my old shrink, I have trouble breaking my old habits with my mom; she thinks she gets a vote on all things in my life. It was a huge revelation when I had a shrink point out to me that my mom does not get a vote in my my decisions. I was 32. Slow learner. Just because I realize I need to chance that relationship doesn’t mean I’m successful at it. I've told my mom on a couple of occations that she didn't get a vote (like when naming my children) it went over really well as you might imagine. The first time I said it she just got pissed. The second time she said, "I get a vote. It may not count, but I get one." Do you understand why I need threapy???? I'd say I'm going nuts, but I think I'm already there.
Going to the Scrapbook Convention tomorrow with SIL, maybe I finally have something positive to post after that. I’m such a downer lately.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
My big project is getting our “study” unpacked. I put the parenthesis because it’s really just been a junk room since we moved in. It’s one of those things that makes me feel overwhelmed and can depress me, so I’m trying to get it cleaned up and unpacked. I’ve made a dent, but it still has a ways to go. My plan of attack: I don’t walk down the stairs empty handed. There’s so much stuff in there that needs to be tossed or at least put away somewhere else, that it’s a good approach for now. I’ve been to Goodwill 2x already this week for it.
I started going to a playgroup for BS. I know she’s only 3 months old and while I’m sure she is gifted, no they don’t actually play. DS wanted to know if we pile them up in the middle of a blanket to see what they’ll do. At this age it’s totally for the moms, it’s later when their toddlers that it’ll be for the kids. I’m in a working mom’s playgroup for TS. (Las Madres) We’ve made some really good friends through it—all three of us. It’s such a rare thing to find friends that both of us as a couple like AND the kids are friends! So I don’t really need a support group of moms this go around, but I figured I’d check into the neighborhood group (SAHM) and hopefully meet some mom’s who live in our immediate neighborhood. Not that it’s really an issue either, but the what the heck. Anyway, went to a “playdate” last Friday and a walk on Monday.
And last, but hardly least, I’m trying to pay attention to me more. I’m still vacillating a lot on the PPD thing. I don’t really think I’m depressed, but I have a lot of downs. I guess it’s what they’d call “The Blues”. Now that I’m verbalizing it I realize I need to really pay attention to it. I had a really bad bout of depression after 9/11. I was in a similar place emotionally at that time and 9/11 just pushed me over the edge. It was bad. Real bad. I remember just sitting in the middle of the house alone one day and crying uncontrollablly for hours. I couldn't tell you why, but I couldn't stop either. I still can’t deal with the whole 9/11 thing either (think I'll skip the movie). A shrink once told me that I had symptoms of PTSD to which I was like how can that be, I wasn’t in NY when it happened, I have family there, but everyone was fine, I mean it’s like PTSD by proxy which is super lame. But apparently it’s not an uncommon occurrence. (I still think it’s super lame.) And I still have a lot of issues with major disasters, the Tsunami was a similarly shaky time for me. I think what throws me is the randomness of it. And the unfairness. I still have so much to do in this life it scares me to think that I could miss some of it, especially relating to my girls. Ok I can’t say much more about that or I’ll start to get emotional. (Yes, I am that lame sometimes.) So back to the paying more attention to me; I’ve making a point of walking everyday. (That’s the time suck when I could be blogging.) I’ve been putting BS in the snuggli and TS in the jogging stroller and hauling ass for at least 30 mins everyday. I am hauling ass too, as evidenced when I went out with the mom’s group on Monday and was surprised by our leisurely pace. (I was all worried my out-of-shape ass wouldn’t be able to keep up.) I’m hoping to get back to my blogging regularly now, as I realize it’s also a big part of “paying attention to me” and I need the outlet.
On a happier note:
TS is swimming like a freaking fish!!! We’re going to swim lessons 3x a week and I signed her up to continue (1x a week) this fall. She’s amazing!!!
BS is babbling up a storm these days. She’s a HUGE flirt (already) and giggles. Today I had her on her playmat & she scooted off of it. TWICE! She is also trying to pull herself in a sitting position. She’s is killing me with her growing so fast that one.
Ok, more soon. I must go feed the flirt again, and then sleep.
Monday, August 07, 2006
The house was (are you sitting?) cleaner then when I left it, there were flowers (all pink, of course) in a vase on the counter for me, a F’ING PIE (blackberry & necturine—from our neighbor’s yard) had been baked for me and dinner was marinating in the fridge. WTF??? The conversation went like this:
MS: What’d you break?
MS: Are you sure?
DS: Yes, I just thought it’d be nice for you to come home to this
I know I should ask him who he’s sleeping with, but I’m afraid I get an answer. He was right it was VERY NICE. The result is that I have time to blog today because I don’t feel like I’m playing catch up with house work & such! DS ROCKS!
Friday, August 04, 2006
Much of my postings are my rants about my frustrations with TS, which makes me feel bad, but this is supposed to be my version of threapy, so, sorry TS you'll just have to deal with it. You really only frustrate me when you're supposed to be napping and are beyond tired, but instead of sleeping you find that you must keep asking me "why?" about. freaking. every. damn. thing.
I want to stay home and hang with you too, but you're also a very independent little girl and I'm down with that. You don't NEED me the way you're sister does. In fact, I think you're a lot like me, (which scares the living crap out of me.) You like going to "school" and I know you're a better person for it. So while I want to stay home with you I can rationalize why my going to work it good for both of us. Your sister is a baby & needs me in ways that no one will ever need me again & I want to experience that to it's fullest. I get it this time, I won't get these moments back. This time I want to make sure savor every single one of them. (Don't ask me why. Because I said so, damit.)
So Internet back to my story; when TS was a baby and I had to return to work she was six weeks old. DS had been laid off unexpectedly, a month prior to her birth & the job I was going back to was contract. It wasn’t supposed to even exist any longer, but I was suddenly damn glad it did. We were in the middle of the “dot bomb” and had been though more then our share of lay offs/companies imploding, etc… in the last year or so. Luckily my version of “nesting” during that pregnancy was to hoard money, so in the end, we were fine. At the time, it was really scary. Anyway, TS was only 6 weeks!!! I know, how could I leave her??? Well, for starters I was leaving her with her Daddy or G’ma if Daddy was interviewing or something. Much easier then leaving her with a "daycare provider". At least I think it was. I was only working part-time, so really just a few hours a day. And she was only 6 weeks. She didn’t really do anything yet. She hadn’t gotten fun yet. By the time she did get fun,(12 weeks is when your level of sleep deprivation goes down enough, and they wake up enough that life really does get fun with these guys), I had been back for several weeks & made the break. I was bummed, but dealing with it.
BS has gotten fun already.
She’ll be that much MORE fun in 2 more months. WAH.
Lately, I’ve been scheming in my mind on how I could work it out to stay home. (I didn’t nest during this pregnancy, at least according to our savings account.) Actually, our finances are amazingly ok without me working. AND I haven’t given up my mochas, AT ALL. Amazing, I know, cause I have a bad (read: expensive) mocha habit. I keep joking that I need to go back to pay for Disneyland, the dog’s surgery, lasix and my laser hair removal, after that I’m out of there. I’m not really joking. Of course, we just had the car in the shop this week, paid our percentage of the hospital bills (BS’s birth) and then the annual bill for our homeowner’s insurance arrived today. BAH.
These are the reasons I need to go back to work. I'm trying not to think about it.
She giggles now.