Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Another Milestone, "I Don't Like You!"

We've been barraged with illness here in the House O'Speak. Little started it with a really rotten cold which lasted 7 days at which time we spent a full night awake with her and a double ear infection. About a day after that, Big started with the cold. On Thursday (last Thursday) evening she got a fever that lasted all weekend. I could get it down to around 99, but until Sunday morning she was feeling cruddy and miserable. Little, in the meantime was getting better. And bouncing off the walls. On Wednesday, I had my first Physical Therapy (PT) appointment since my MRI diagnosis. By Friday, I was more or less couch bound. As you might imagine, the Speak house was big fun this last week. By Monday morning, Little was feeling like herself, Big was dragging herself along, as was I. Little saw her opportunity.

Little started with hassling her sister, of course. She wanted the pink spoon, and the orange cup, etc... After they ate, they went into the bathroom with instructions to brush their hair & teeth. Big has long hair, so it takes her a little longer and she's the one who actually needed to be somewhere at a certain time. Knowing this, Little made sure to grab the hair brush first. I was finishing getting Big's lunch together in the kitchen and could hear the scuffle starting the bathroom. I yelled for Little to give her sister the brush. Little yelled something to the effect that she needed it. I replied, "Give the brush to your sister, or you're going to get a time out!" To which Little responded by throwing the brush on tile floor, while yelling (in case the all caps didn't give it away), "NO! DAMN IT! I NEED IT!"

As you might imagine, my 3 year old was so dead not getting away with that one. I went into the bathroom, where I found her sitting on her step stool hugging the brush. I took the brush & gave it to her sister. Grabbed her wrist, and dragged her to the timeout chair. The whole time she was yelling at me how she, "Needed to brush her hair!" I was asking her if she wanted her mouth washed out with soap. She was not happy. As I placed her into the chair, she turned toward me and yelled, "Bad Mommy!" while trying to hit me. I grabbed her arm as it came toward me, so instead she tried to bite me. "THAT'S IT! YOU'RE GETTING SOAP!" And she got a pump between the lips. Soap in the mouth, pleased the heck out of her, as you might guess. She ran to the bathroom for water, which didn't help. So she shouted at me, "I DON'T LIKE YOU!" Ahhh, another milestone. (Her sister hasn't said this one to me yet.) I replied, "Well, I don't like the way you're acting." Then she became a puddle. I told her to go brush her teeth, that it would help. She asked me to help her, so I did. And we moved on.

And THAT is how my week STARTED.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Treading Water

I should've written this post earlier today, like right after my Physical Therapy (PT) appointment. I went back to PT today for the first time since my MRI. It really was a good appointment. Lots of (appropriate) exercise, no massage. Normally you wouldn't hear me happy about no massage, but last time I went to PT, the massage is what effed me up BIG TIME. I could tell by the end of the appointment that it was good, because I felt fatigued, but good. That's a first in a while. But, like I said, I should've written this right after, when I was feeling good. Right now, not so much. I've been icing, ibuprofen & (once Daddy got home) pain pills. I'm hoping that this is as bad as it will get, fingers crossed. Not likely, but a girl can hope.

This last week has been rough in general. We took the girls to our friend's lamb farm on Sunday, so I didn't get the rest I usually manage during the weekend. And did too much walking, bending and picking things up. Monday, when I'm usually my best of the week, I felt like I'd been run over by a truck. To make things fun, Little has had a really bad cold and is moody and crabby, (something about apples falling from their trees, hmmm...). As of Monday night it morphed into a really bad double ear infection. All this equals not much sleep or rest for me this week. Tomorrow, Thursday, will be the first day I'll have gotten a break and I desperately need it.

Honestly, I am feeling very discouraged these days. I'm happy to have a diagnosis. I'm glad to have something that can be treated, to be able to develop a plan to get better. But it's been a long time. This has been going on for 3 years, and is looking like it's going to be another year, at least. My girls don't remember a mommy who can participate in anything. Little had the epiphany this week that mommy wasn't always like this. She asked me yesterday how I got hurt. She's never known a mommy who can do things with her. I feel like I've already missed so much with her. Like I've missed her babyhood and now her toddler years are passing me by too. I'm tired of the way I look (extra weight) and having pain when I try to do something to improve on it. I'm disgusted with my eating habits, but also feel sorry for myself and thus eat more crap. I feel like my only relief (I wouldn't even call it pleasure) comes from food, so I'm not willing to give the crap up yet. And I'm incredibly sad about missing another ski season. I want to be the one teaching my babies how to ski. Skiing is my thing and I've barely gotten to do it with them. When I think about that, I'm near tears. Ok, to be honest, when I think about any of it I'm near tears. I'm definitely on the brink of a major depressive episode. I feel like I'm flailing around and no matter what I do, I can't seem to make any progress. I'm so frustrated! And I'm tired. I don't have the energy in me to even be mad about it anymore. I'm just sad. I'm trying, I really am, to keep my head above water, but I do feel like I'm sinking.