Thursday, November 18, 2010


My brain is racing right now. Spinning doesn't begin to cover how I'm feeling. Gawd, I can't wrap my head around this, even though I've discussed with w/DaddySpeak (DS) and already know the answer. Well, basically know the answer. SEE! That's the problem. For some reason, my brain seems to think there's more to this than what I already know. I think it's my heart, screwing w/my head.

You're probably going to laugh at me. Or call me names. Imply I'm living through my kid. But I'm not. I even asked DS if he thought I was and he at least had to courtesy to lie if he thought I was doing that.

Part of it is that options presented themselves. Options I had no idea existed. Things I thought were off the table completely, so the decision was really made for us. This week, I found out some of those options exist for her and now my head is ZOOMING!

You know Big plays soccer. She's actually turned out to be a good player. She's on a good team. If you remember, I was really nervous about her being on this team because they're so good. Neither DS or I were particularly good at "team" sports. We weren't awful, but neither of us were first choice when teams got picked is what I'm saying. (Actually, that's not entirely true. I was a RAWKN kickball pitcher & always picked first or second for that game. That means my "sports career" pretty much peaked in 5th grade.) So anywho, this season their team went undefeated. Woot! Last season we came in second. Pretty much it's Big's team and this one other one, Team M that are the best teams in our league. Both are basically teams from Big's school.

Next year/season is when the girls are old enough to try out for "comp" (competitive) soccer. Big's good, but she not one of the team's stars. I would say the biggest issue she has is that she needs to be more aggressive, kind of a big issue for a competitive league. We are also aware of the horror stories about comp soccer; parents & coaches that are all about their child scoring goals/wins, traveling up and down the state for games, high-costs, etc.... Basically I'm saying that comp soccer isn't really on our radar screen. So....the coach's daughter is going to try out for comp for this Spring. She will make it, so our team is out a coach. Really, about half the team seems to plan to try out for comp. We haven't really been sure what will happen next year w/the team. Big wants to play softball for Spring and that's fine. Well it was fine. I've been saying all along, "It's too bad there isn't some way we can't take the whole team comp together." (Comp tryouts place you on a team based on that teams need & your players abilities.) A couple days ago, I got an email indicating that the team going comp together has become a possibility. We would all still have to try out, but it would be a new team and the foundation would consist primarily of players from our team and the other really good team from our league. Our current coach would be one of the coaches on this team. That news, in of itself would not have warranted much thought, except for this second thing: Big has been scouted. I know!!!! Who would've thunk???!!! Did you know they even scouted kids as young as SEVEN??? Well they do. When I first got the the email related to this news I assumed it was a form letter sent to the whole team. I figured our team & maybe a few of the other top teams in our league all probably got them. Well, I thought wrong. In a conversation w/the coach's wife (she's going to coach a softball team this season,) I mentioned the letter. We discussing scheduling and such. She asked me to clarify the letter, which I did. She informed me that only 6 girls from the team received this letter. WhatyoutalkingboutWillis? No, this does not at all indicate that Big would be picked to play on a comp team. No, this is not the comp team or league her current coach would be coaching. But just the fact that Mah Kid Haz Skillzz is blowing me out of the water. Look, it's not like I don't think my kid is a good player, because I do. I totally do! I just assumed that my view is a little skewed, being that she is my kid and all. This letter told me, no it wasn't just me. She may or may not be a great player and no she isn't the team "star", but she does has something that someone who knows about these things noticed. That is no small thing.
Why is my head spinning about this then? Well, Big wants to play softball this spring. She has made that very clear. Tryouts for this comp soccer team are yearly in Dec. I feel like she has her best chance to make the team if she gets in on the ground floor. Now. I know a lot of what she likes about playing is related to her team; the girls and the coaches. Most of her friends and coaches are going to be doing this comp team and will most likely be able to stay together. I think if she doesn't do this now, in a year or sooner, she will be disappointed. With a different coach I'm not sure she'll continue to develop as well. I'm just so torn. I wonder if I should push a little to see if I can get her to try out, see how she likes it. She can always quit later, right? But at the same time, I don't want to be the mom who is pushing too hard.

I just feel like she's got a really unique opportunity here. I think this opportunity will probably not be there for her if she let's it pass her by right now. But I don't know how to convey that to her. It's her decision, I just don't know how to explain all the cards that are in her hand. THAT is why my head is spinning.
No, I have not, nor will I be informing her about the scout letter. I want her to play because she wants to. I just really want her to want this I guess.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

How I know I'm done having kids

Not Safe For Sue Bob Viewing

Two weeks ago a good friend asked if we'd watch her almost 3yo twins for the day. They were going away for 4 days & she had the rest of the time covered, but needed someone to watch them the first day, all day. I said, "No problem" The twins, especially Girl Twin, adores Big & Little. We play with them more or less once a week, so they know us well. Also, when I've been in a crunch, their mom has watched Little for me, more times than I probably know, so I owe her, if nothing else.

The twins have started pre-school and are more or less potty trained. (I know, they aren't even three yet!) She gave us the heads up on the potty situation (Girl had gone, Boy had not, neither had pooped yet.) Kids started playing & everything was more or less fine. After about an hour, I remembered that they should probably try to go. At the mere mention of the word bathroom (or anything remotely related to it,) Girl Twin would curl into the fetal position and start crying. She wouldn't say anything. She'd just lay down in a fetal position and cry. Um, yeah. "Okay, you let us know when you need to go honey." Boy twin said he didn't have to go yet. "Well then, let's all go play outside!" About 10 min later Boy twin decides he has to go. So DaddySpeak and I both escort him to the bathroom. I'm suddenly stymied. Does he stand up or sit down? I look at DS, "How would I know?"
"I don't know, you're a guy, you have more experience with this than me, what do you think?"
He looks at me blankly.
I make the executive call and determine, he's "just" potty trained, he's not even three, so he MUST sit down. Right? Right? (He's not tall enough to pee standing up, right?) I plop him on the toilet seat, (of course, we don't have a smaller seat that goes over it, or a potty chair anymore, that would be too easy). I "tuck his junk" and sort of step back. I don't really step back, so much as straiten up. You know, big seat, small bum, could be pretty traumatic if he fell in, so I wanted to be there to grab him, just in case. Next thing I know, he's pulled it out and is peeing. Not in the toilet. Noooooo. He's peeing all over the wall across from the toilet. "But how?" you ask, since I was standing in front of him. Well, luckily I had my legs spread apart, so yes, he was peeing on the wall, shooting it between! my! legs! (Dude, I can't make this shit up!) Just to complete the visual for you, Boy twin, he was laughing while he was doing it too. I yelp, but can't move, because I'll get peed on. I look to the door where DS was standing and HE'S GONE! I yell for him, because I don't know what to do at this point. In the meantime, Boy twin is going, going, going... (and laughing, laughing, laughing,) remember he'd been holding it for a couple hours before this. DS shows up and is yelling and laughing. Pee's running down the wall, all over the floor (THANK BABY JEBUS I had on shoes for a change!) and it's running down the heating vent on the floor next to me. Special, I know. So, not a drop in the toilet, not a drop on Boy twin, but all over bathroom wall and floor. DS got the wet vac and went to town after. Luckily, we hadn't cleaned out the vents yet from summer (heater's been turned off). There was a thin layer of lint & pet hair that "caught" most of what went in the vent. So, no, the bathroom did NOT smell of nastiness when the heater did get turned on.

Twins 1 - Speaks 0

After we finished that adventure, I had some errands I had to run. DS said they would all be fine. All the kids were playing in the backyard. We'd tried to get Girl twin to use the potty again with similar results. Yes, we did try to get Big & Little Speak to coax her, she wasn't having it. Fetal position, ground & tears. While I was gone, DS noticed Girl twin suddenly beeline for the corner of the yard. He realized she couldn't hold it any longer, but she was too fast for him. When he got to her she had already peed herself. When I came home, both of the twins were on their second set of clothes, and it wasn't even lunch time yet.

Twins 2 - Speaks 0

It was around this time, I realized, I am done having kids. I love babies. I mean I LOVE babies. I want another baby. When I smell new baby smell my ovaries ache. I mean it, they ache. I swear I spontaneously ovulate right then and there. But I do NOT and can NOT handle a toddler again. No way. It'll be the death of me I'm sure.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010


I try to tell myself I'm just overdoing it. I'm run down from being sick. I'm getting sick. Aunt Flo's about to visit. I can think of TONS of reasons why I feel so run down, tired, achy, headachey, etc... My reality is that my Fibro seems to be coming out of remission. I don't want to admit that. The idea of it, is depressing on it's own. There have been lots of hints, some little (trouble sleeping,) some big, (migraines). When you look at all of it, it adds up to Fibro. I went to the doctor this week for my migraines. He was very excited because he has this "wonder drug" for me. "I'm going to kick myself for not coming for help sooner." I hope he's right. But when he found out I have Fibro, and that this might be linked he had lots of questions. Good questions. It's almost weird, the turn around from, even just a few years ago, when doctors looked at you suspiciously if you told them you had Fibro. He knew a lot about symptoms, and what to ask. He believed the migraines are linked to my hormones and my Fibro, but thinks this "wonder drug" will really help. Incidentally, while I was there, I got a migraine. So I got to try this "wonder drug" right away. It did seem to help, not exactly the way he said it would, but I'm headache free 24 hours later, so we'll see.

He was also very concerned about my sleep issues. Oh did I neglet to mention those? Yeah, my body is suddenly on the swing shift. Seriously, it's like someone has fliped a switch and I can't turn off after around 9-10 at night. Suddenly, it's 3 AM and I'm still NOT TIRED! I almost feel bipolar about it, I'm so awake. But, you know, kids have to get up at 7, so I'm shot when I have to get up with them. The sleep I am getting has been tense. I wake up w/a sore face/jaw/head from clenching my jaw all night. I'm also getting next to no REM, which is the typical sleep pattern for people with Fibro. He gave me a low-dose anti-depressant to help with my sleep. It's something I've been on before, so hopefully it will be helpful this time as well.

I'm depressed. I'm tired. I have a lot of medical symptoms going on. But I don't want to whine, so that's why I haven't written about it. Alright, to be honest, if I wrote about it, it made it real. I don't want it back. I want the nice, normal, active life I've started to have these last few months. But I do realize I need to ask for help and try to stop this before it gets out of hand. Now that I have kids, I don't have luxury of letting it get the best of me. I just don't.

Wordless Wednesday - Halloween Edition

I know I've been MIA. I'll write more about it later. It's because of Fibro, so it's a downer, not to mention that Fibro makes me down, so I'm a party. Woo! Anywho, as usual, can't keep my mouth shut on a Wordless post. I'm nothing, if not consistent. Providing some eye candy is better than listening to me complain, no?