I have to write this & then I'm going to move on from it.
Yesterday, the shooting in Sandyhook, CT.
I have no words.
I don't know how to express the depth of pain I feel about this incident.
I originally saw a headline, but it was right after it happened & the only info was that there was a shooting. About an hour later my mom texted me & told me at least 18 kids were gone. Gone. I was sick. I mean it. Physically ill. My "flight/fight" response kicked in, only I had nowhere to run and no one to fight. I felt all the horrible things I felt when 9/11 happened. Only, this was babies. I immediately emailed Big's therapist & told her I was going to need help. When 9/11 hit, the depression I went into... the memory of how dark that time was for me is hard to even think about. I have kids now. I don't have the luxury of sinking that low. There are other people who are dependent on me. I was getting ready for my first appointment w/an acupuncturist when I was given that information. Lying on the table for 40 mins somewhat calmed me. I practiced my breathing. I repeated a mantra w/each breath; "My kids are safe. We are loved." I felt like maybe they would get the love if I sent it out enough. I don't know, I was basically barely holding off the panic. I'm grateful for that appointment, it kept me from irrationally getting my kids early from school. The time on the table & the breathing calmed me down. I left from there and picked up my girls from school.
We're basically having a no TV weekend. I can't watch the newscasts. The details. I want to believe those babies didn't have time to be scared. To cry for their mommies. But I know that's not true. They were 1st graders. They were 6 & 7 year olds. They were supposed to be in a place where they were safe & loved.
Little is 6, and in 1st grade.
I love my kids so fiercely. I know their parents did too.
I won't give acknowledgement to the shooter. I won't feed the media circus.
I will pray for those families.
I will hug my girls tightly & pray they know how fiercely I love them.
I pray they will be safe.
Monday, December 10, 2012
|My Pain Diary for November|