Saturday, December 15, 2012

Love Them Fiercely

I have to write this & then I'm going to move on from it. 
Yesterday, the shooting in Sandyhook, CT. 
I have no words.
I don't know how to express the depth of pain I feel about this incident. 

I originally saw a headline, but it was right after it happened & the only info was that there was a shooting.  About an hour later my mom texted me & told me at least 18 kids were gone. Gone.  I was sick.  I mean it.  Physically ill.  My "flight/fight" response kicked in, only I had nowhere to run and no one to fight.  I felt all the horrible things I felt when 9/11 happened.  Only, this was babies.  I immediately emailed Big's therapist & told her I was going to need help.  When 9/11 hit, the depression I went into... the memory of how dark that time was for me is hard to even think about.  I have kids now.  I don't have the luxury of sinking that low.  There are other people who are dependent on me.  I was getting ready for my first appointment w/an acupuncturist when I was given that information.  Lying on the table for 40 mins somewhat calmed me.  I practiced my breathing.  I repeated a mantra w/each breath; "My kids are safe. We are loved."  I felt like maybe they would get the love if I sent it out enough.  I don't know, I was basically barely holding off the panic.  I'm grateful for that appointment, it kept me from irrationally getting my kids early from school. The time on the table & the breathing calmed me down.  I left from there and picked up my girls from school. 
We're basically having a no TV weekend.  I can't watch the newscasts.  The details.  I want to believe those babies didn't have time to be scared.  To cry for their mommies.  But I know that's not true.  They were 1st graders.  They were 6 & 7 year olds.  They were supposed to be in a place where they were safe & loved.
Little is 6, and in 1st grade. 
I love my kids so fiercely.  I know their parents did too. 
I won't give acknowledgement to the shooter.  I won't feed the media circus.
I will pray for those families.
I will hug my girls tightly & pray they know how fiercely I love them.
I pray they will be safe.