Tuesday, January 01, 2013

Happy New Year!!! Whatever that's about...

Yup, as my post title implies I'm my usual chipper self.  Read on, I know you've been waiting to hear from me w/baited breath.... ;-)

I'm checking in to say, I'm going to try & blog more this year.  Yeah, I do know that isn't saying much.  But I have a "plan" so that means it might actually work out.  I'm trying, is what I want you to know. 

I know, for a lot of people, 2012 was hard.  Because of what happened in 2012, 2013 is going to continue to be hard for a lot of them.  There was a lot of loss this year.  It seemed to really hit home at the end of the year, but I know, I remember, it wasn't just one thing that made 2012 seem hard for so many people. There was plenty of misery to go around.  There always is, if you think about it.  That being said, for me, in many ways, 2012 was a really good year:
 In January, I got back  up on skis for the first time in 5 years.  I started doing yoga on a regular basis. (I believe those things are related, and not in that order.)  I had The Summer of  No Pain.* (That should be said in the rock concert announcer's voice, echo and all.)  And right here, I was about to start to including some of my kids' victories. But, I realize that those belong to them, and I don't want to become someone who is living vicariously through my kids. (At least not too much.)  I have my own battles, and I want my own wins & my own losses.  It would be foolish to think that their losses, (& gains,) don't impact me, bc they obviously do.  So rather than catalog their wins as if they were my own, let's just say that many things, related to my kids lives, that were stressing me out, went away. (Don't worry, there are still plenty for me to worry about still.) And I stopped holding my breath.  It seemed like maybe, just maybe, we had started to find a new normal; one that I could live with.  So just when I started to plan & volunteer, (September, October...) when I started to think, "Maybe we could have people over again, like we used to do."  My Fibro came roaring back w/a vengeance.    So, yeah, I've spend most of this first week of the holidays on a couch or a bed.  I've been on pain pills a lot, just to get out of bed.  Not to go anywhere, just to be able to literally take off PJs, put on sweats & walk down the stairs.  There have been several days, where getting down the stairs was the big event of my day.  I'm hopeful, that the start of a new year, will bring back that normal was starting to enjoy.  That my rheumatologist is correct, and this is "just a flare," which means it will, at some point, no longer be this bad. (BTW, he was "amazed at how well I was doing," when I saw him a month or so, ago.  I went into him, bc I was NOT doing amazing, but compared to the last time he'd seen me, he was in awe.  Sometimes, it's hard to see the forest for the trees, blah, blah, blah...)

I think I lost track of the blogging, bc I wanted to focus on living, not chronicling.  And, truth be told, that's how it should be, right?  Live a life worth chronicling.  BUT, (you knew there was one, there always is w/me,) when I write, I let go of a lot of the bad.  There's a little voice inside of me that says, "Maybe, just maybe, the reason the Fibro came back the way it did, was bc I stopped focusing on me.  I started focusing on everything outside of me; my kids, my husband, my house.... Maybe, focusing on me was the key to getting better."  I think, in the middle of my planning & volunteering, I lost sight of me.  I'm hopeful, that if I can focus on me again, it'll get better more quickly.  So, I'm back.  Yes, dear reader, (all 10 of you, {yes I do know that number is much higher, I can see your stats remember. ;-)}) I'm totally here for your entertainment value.  But, I'm also very much here for me.  Maybe that's the right reason & while, I'll be more consistent this time.

*Let's be real here, I had, literally one day this summer, when I woke up without any pain, anywhere. When I write that, I focus on the fact that there was a point in time, in which, nothing hurt.  I'm sure you focus on the one day. It took me about 10 mins to realize what was different, but I knew immediately something was different.  Other than that one day, I have had pain every single day this year.  It's a drag & it sucks, I agree.  But I'm not alone. There are certainly worse things.  You may have one of those things I consider to be worse, I don't want to offend, so I'm not going to mention them.  My point is, I had tolerable pain during that summer.  "Livable pain." Pain, with which, I could still function like a relatively normal person.  What does that mean?  It means, I could hang out w/my kids all day at Disneyland & not be too exhausted to eat dinner.  It means, I didn't have to take any pain pills to get through my day.  (OTC stuff doesn't count.  I'm talking prescription stuff.  But FTR, I'm pretty sure there wasn't any OTC stuff either.)  I'm at the point w/my Fibro, that I would be thrilled if that could be my new normal.  You can take that how you want, I realized I will continue to want more, regardless of what my body is doing.  I won't ever stop looking for ways to have less/no pain.  But I could be happy w/that level of pain/discomfort. I wouldn't stop working for something more, that's human nature, but I could live with the way things were this summer.