Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Treading Water

I should've written this post earlier today, like right after my Physical Therapy (PT) appointment. I went back to PT today for the first time since my MRI. It really was a good appointment. Lots of (appropriate) exercise, no massage. Normally you wouldn't hear me happy about no massage, but last time I went to PT, the massage is what effed me up BIG TIME. I could tell by the end of the appointment that it was good, because I felt fatigued, but good. That's a first in a while. But, like I said, I should've written this right after, when I was feeling good. Right now, not so much. I've been icing, ibuprofen & (once Daddy got home) pain pills. I'm hoping that this is as bad as it will get, fingers crossed. Not likely, but a girl can hope.

This last week has been rough in general. We took the girls to our friend's lamb farm on Sunday, so I didn't get the rest I usually manage during the weekend. And did too much walking, bending and picking things up. Monday, when I'm usually my best of the week, I felt like I'd been run over by a truck. To make things fun, Little has had a really bad cold and is moody and crabby, (something about apples falling from their trees, hmmm...). As of Monday night it morphed into a really bad double ear infection. All this equals not much sleep or rest for me this week. Tomorrow, Thursday, will be the first day I'll have gotten a break and I desperately need it.

Honestly, I am feeling very discouraged these days. I'm happy to have a diagnosis. I'm glad to have something that can be treated, to be able to develop a plan to get better. But it's been a long time. This has been going on for 3 years, and is looking like it's going to be another year, at least. My girls don't remember a mommy who can participate in anything. Little had the epiphany this week that mommy wasn't always like this. She asked me yesterday how I got hurt. She's never known a mommy who can do things with her. I feel like I've already missed so much with her. Like I've missed her babyhood and now her toddler years are passing me by too. I'm tired of the way I look (extra weight) and having pain when I try to do something to improve on it. I'm disgusted with my eating habits, but also feel sorry for myself and thus eat more crap. I feel like my only relief (I wouldn't even call it pleasure) comes from food, so I'm not willing to give the crap up yet. And I'm incredibly sad about missing another ski season. I want to be the one teaching my babies how to ski. Skiing is my thing and I've barely gotten to do it with them. When I think about that, I'm near tears. Ok, to be honest, when I think about any of it I'm near tears. I'm definitely on the brink of a major depressive episode. I feel like I'm flailing around and no matter what I do, I can't seem to make any progress. I'm so frustrated! And I'm tired. I don't have the energy in me to even be mad about it anymore. I'm just sad. I'm trying, I really am, to keep my head above water, but I do feel like I'm sinking.