Thursday, April 26, 2007

Family Matters

The stomach flu has hit our house and it’s been awful! DS was sick Monday night and stayed home on Tuesday. I got sick Tuesday night and stayed in bed all day Wednesday. I have however, lost several pounds, and my clothes are fitting awesome, so there’s your silver lining. I’m hopeful that the kids won’t get it, but I know that’s not likely. I was sharing water bottles with TS Tuesday afternoon. Bah!

BS’s actual first b-day is tomorrow, and as usual there’s lots of drama from the family surrounding it. It’s also my brother’s b-day (he’ll be 36). My parents were on vacation all last week and I called my brother (2x) to talk to them about what the plan was for the actual birth date, (I’m having a big shindig for her in May when the outlaws are here) but no one was returning my calls, so I set up an evite for dinner & cake. I’m in the doghouse because I didn’t mention his b-day, only BS’s on the evite. Apparently his feelings were hurt because I didn’t acknowledge him. But I spoke with him/my SIL 2x after this was posted and no one said anything. I even asked my SIL about plans, etc… and was told he wanted to talk to my parents, etc…. So my parents come home from vacation and my mom tells me he’s upset with me about it. Yesterday when I’m totally sick she comes over to get the kids and informs me we’ve (meaning her and my brother) changed the plans; we’re now at her house for a BBQ (
"she didn’t like the menu I’d posted anyway"). I was given all the details about his hurt feelings, along with the fact that he doesn’t want gifts on Friday night. On Sunday we’re all supposed to go to Chinese for his b-day & we can do his gifts then. I was totally out of it, so I said whatever & went to bed. But once I started recovering I started to get mad. So this morning when my mom asked if I wanted A or B for dinner tomorrow night I told her I didn’t care cause it didn’t matter, “if I didn’t choose what she or my brother wanted she’d change it anyway.”
First, she couldn’t understand what I was mad about. Then she informed me that she’s tired of being in the middle of my brother and me (I told her she put herself there). Then she tried to turn on the tears and told me how I ruined two days of her vacation because once she saw it posted she knew there’d be trouble. She’s so big on the guilt trip.

I informed her that 1) I made efforts to contact them and in fact when I did make contact I was brushed off. 2) They choose to be passive aggressive about the whole deal and go through her (rather then deal with me, i.e.-put her in the middle) because they knew she’d guilt trip me into whatever they wanted. And 3) it’s my daughter’s FIRST b-day, he’s turning 36! Grow up for crying out loud! I know BS doesn’t know the difference, but I do and what I was doing was going to be easier on her schedule. Dinner was something everyone would eat and likes: even his kids who don’t eat anything!
I told her I’m tired of accommodating him all the damn time. She wanted to know what I meant by that and I told her, “No matter what the occasion the consideration is always about their schedule, their kid’s eating habits, etc…and that I’m sick of it.!" We mess with our kids sleeping schedules, but not thiers. My kids will eat pretty much anything, so they aren’t a consideration when it comes to food, but we make special meals for their kids. We try to be easy about it, so we become the doormat! I’m tired of feeling like I’m being taken advantage of!” She didn’t say anything and then asked if we were still coming (DS said she might as well as have said, “did I win anyway”) . I paused for a while and then said I guess so.

I called DS to vent & he told me that the problem is that until I’m willing to say forget it then we won’t come, they’ll continue to do this to me. They know I won’t pull the “fine, my kids aren’t coming then, but my brother will, so I’m the one who plays the doormat every time.” If I push back and they say they aren’t coming, they don’t get the guilt trip, I do. I feel like if I do say we aren’t coming, I’m using the kids as ammunition to get what I want & I don’t want to come down to that level. He told me that it’s what it’s going to have to come down to if I ever want it to change. I know he’s right, I just hate it. If you have any other solution let me know, I'd love to hear it. The thing is that regardless the guilt trip, etc... will continue, this has been the pattern for years so I'll be the bad guy no matter what I do. I can't win. I think the answer is that I need to move.

I’m sure I’m more in the dog house after posting this cause my SIL reads this sometimes. I’m damned it I do, and I’m damned if I don’t.

I know it’s supposed to be a Love Thursday, but I’m just not feeling it today. Maybe I can pull out a Love Friday for you, but most likely not.


Anonymous said...

I have a solution...move to LA!!!!