Saturday, February 16, 2013


We're in Tahoe right now. Everyone went out to play this morning in the snow, while I laid on the couch on my side, trying to get my body to not hurt so badly. When you have chronic pain, going on vacation might seem like a good way to relax and manage your pain. Unfortunately, if you don't have a good bed, your usual and other potential problems tend to pop up, negating any benefits you might accrue from rest and relaxation. We are staying in a cabin, with my parents and my brother's family. Normally, I would prefer to lie down on the couch in the living area. If I'm in the living room, then I don't miss everything, even if I can't participate. But with the number of people we don't have enough room for me to lay on the couch. So I'm stuck up in the bedroom, listening to everyone else. The group just headed out to a sledding area, but my stomach problems have kicked in, so I'm staying at the cabin near a bathroom.  I am so tired, of living like this. This is not living this is surviving. I am missing so much of my girls and the things that they are doing. Sometimes, I wonder if it would be better if I wasn't here. I feel like I put a damper on everything we do. We are constantly accommodating my health needs. And even with those accommodations, there's still so much I don't seem able to do. It's extremely frustrating for me to live like this, I can't imagine how frustrating it must be, to be my family. I want so much to be able  to do normal things with my family. At this point, I'd be okay with just getting to take pictures,  but as time goes on, it seems like even that is becoming too much to ask for. I don't know how to fix this, but I do know that I'm broken. I don't want to live like this anymore.