Not The Way I Wanted to Spend My Evening

Spent the evening in ER.
Yup, you read that right.

Big cracked her head on a neighbor's driveway this afternoon. Nothing earth shattering, but apparently skull shattering. I'm kidding, and no I don't have a day job to quit. It wasn't a bad fall, we played it down when it happened. That should have been our first clue, because we ALWAYS think it's no big deal when it actually is a big deal. A few hours later she was throwing up and I was on the phone with the advice nurse. Now, before you get all, why were you on the phone, and not in the ER, you should know that the stomach flu has been making it's rounds through our neighborhood this week. The kids we were playing with today, in fact, had the bug earlier in the week. AND, Big has had a rotten cold for that last couple of days. It's been all nasal, and it could even be allergies, but I've been holding my breath to see if the stomach bug has made it our way. My point is that she hasn't been 100%. When she bumped her head, (she fell off the back of a kid's battery powered ATV,) she cried, we put an ice pack on it, and then she played some more with her friends. It was clear that she wasn't into playing anymore and it was that time of the afternoon anyway, so we came home. She asked if they could watch a TV show, so I put one on while we started dinner. She complained about it being hard to watch the TV. But DaddySpeak thought she was being melodramatic because of questions we'd asked about her sight after the fall. We figured she knew that it was more serious if it was hard to see, and therefore, would garner more attention. She finished her show, but didn't want to watch anything else. She'd been complaining of a headache, but wasn't specific about where it hurt. She was also complaining about a sore throat. Then she bolted for the bathroom. I wasn't convinced it was related to the fall, but I was going to error on the side of caution. I was on the phone with the advice nurse as round 2 started. At this point, she was also acting like she might have chills, didn't want to be touched, was hot, was cold, was nauseous, etc... Also, all symptoms of a stomach bug. The advice nurse sent us to ER. While waiting in the ER she started acting sleepy, not exactly despondent, but not really wanting to respond to anything, (she wanted to be left alone). She just wanted to lie down. They took us in back & let her do that. She started to doze, and I watched her carefully. (I might have put my hand on her stomach a few times to be sure she was breathing.) I still thought it might be the flu. She wasn't running a fever, in fact, she was low, 96, but if you're fighting a bug, everything she was doing was exactly what you want to do in that situation. They woke her and gave her some medication for nausea and wow! how do I get me some of that next time my kid is sick? Within about 5 minutes of taking it she was a different person. Her eyes were clear (they'd been glassy,) her color was better and she was yakking away and acting like herself. I was feeling pretty certain this was a case of the flu with bad timing, but they were doing a CT to be sure. CT was clear, (obviously, or I wouldn't be writing this right now). And, we were set to go home.

Doctor came in to confirm paperwork (I know, the doctor did it, weird, huh?) and just give us an update about the next couple days. He told us there was no bleeding around her brain, so "good news". I said, "so she's got the stomach bug that's going around?"
Him: "No! She's got an upper respiratory infection, but no stomach bug. She was absolutely sick from her head injury. She took a good hit."
And then I threw up.
OK, not really, but the seriousiness of it sort of started to sink in right then.

Really, the seriousness of it hit when I saw my baby laying on the CT table. She suddenly was so small and vulnerable. If I go the rest of my life without seeing one of my children on a CT table it will be too soon.

They want us to take it easy on foods; clear liquids tonight, BRAT in the AM to build up, just in case nausea returns. Want her to stay home from school tomorrow, but otherwise she's fine. I told her we'd have a lazy girls day round the house tomorrow and she got all excited.
If I'm feeling up to it maybe we'll go do something like a movie, or tea for lunch or a pedicure.

Somehow, a lazy girls day feels a bit more special than it did yesterday.

Four

Four years ago today, my baby was born. No matter how old she gets, she'll always be my baby. I think she knows that too. She's my snuggler, but lately she's been taking that to a new level, even for her. This week she's been wanting to curl up on the couch on me & snuggle up to watch a show or read a book. I think the realization of not being the "little kid" so much any more is starting to hit her. For the first time, I think she's realizing that being the little kid isn't always a bad thing, and maybe she wants to hold on to it just a little bit longer.

It's ironic really, Little has been in a hurry to get big since birth. There is nothing more that she wants than to keep up with her sister. In every picture I have of Little, as a baby she is looking at her sister, without fail. While five is the big milestone in which many good things happen, four is a door opener for sure in her book. She's so pleased with finally not being three anymore, you can almost see a sense of relief on her face over it. And, so now she considers herself a "big kid" and while still checking in with me, all. the. time. about how "babies can't do this thing I'm doing right now, right mama?" Her highest priority on her party day was to make sure her sister wasn't left out. We went to a Pump It Up (easiest party I have EVER done BTW!) and the whole time she was keeping tabs on her sister. She would go off and run around with her friends, but would be sure to check to see where her sister was and touch base with her. When it came time for birthday cake, she happily took her place on the "throne" to blow out her candles, but she wanted to "sit by sissy" to eat that cake. We had to scoot kids around to accommodate her. When it was time to open presents, she made sure we knew that she wanted her sister to have a crown like hers, not a problem in our house, and that she wanted "Big to open some of her presents for her, so she wouldn't feel left out." Big, the caregiver that she is, was happy to dote on her sister and provide her every wish. In the end, I don't think Big opened any gifts, but read each and every card to her sister, who hung on her every word. Now, Big wants to write the thank you cards for Little, "because sissy can't write yet." The lovefest that is going on here is almost too much. Later this week, I want to write about the girl that Little has started to become. How three was hard, as expected. How she, and we have all grown this last year, and how excited I am for four for her. But for tonight, I want to relish the memory of the last couple days. When my two girls want nothing more than to make each other happy and are doing just that.

Kicking My Butt

If most people (my village,) saw what I was just doing, I would get my butt kicked. I bet one of them would seriously consider hurting me, if someone didn't kick it. A few minutes ago you could find me on my hands and knees with a kitchen scraper & cleaning wipe, working on cleaning the grooves in our kitchen floor. I'm sure it was a stellar choice for my back. I wouldn't really know, because it was already hurting and I just "went for it" ignoring the fact that I was in pain. I know what a bad idea it is, I get it. I really do. It's just so frustrating where I'm at right now. The floor was gross, it needed to be cleaned, I had the products to do so on me, so I cleaned it. But I'm gonna regret it in about 2 minutes. I know that too.

I am doing better. Really. I'm still in a LOT of pain. ALL. THE. TIME. But, you know what? That's not new. Since the shot, there's a baseline to my pain that has improved. So, yes, I'm in pain all the time, still. But NOT AS MUCH pain, all the time. My energy level is through the roof. I should qualify that. Normally, I do something and then I have to lie or sit down for an hour. (Get the kids off to school, lay on couch for an hour.) Now, I can get the kids off to school, stop at Starbucks for coffee, start a load of laundry and maybe even make a phone call before I have to lie down. You might think those things are no big deal, but trust me, moving the laundry load can be daunting when you're exhausted and in pain.

It's called babysteps people, and boy do I know about them. Because of this new found "energy" I'm tending to overdo. I have the energy to plan, yet not to execute. Before the shot, I didn't even have the energy to plan. It's progress, but it's progress that puts me on my ass & frustrates the hell out of me. But it's something, right? And it's all I've got for right now.

Like Labor, But Without The Pesky Baby At The End

Saw my third orthopedic doctor now. Personally, providing the reason for universal health care here.
I've seen this doctor before, Dr. K administered my epidural shots during the last go round with my back. It was a good visit, surprisingly long. I say that because I was there for an hour and a half, but didn't realize it till I looked at my phone on my way out. I guess that's good. Means I got a lot of good information. Dr. K thinks I have both disc material and scar tissue giving me issues. He's covering all the bases. (Dr. H (first dr.) thinks it's disc, Dr. R (2nd dr.) thinks scar tissue.) He was disappointed that my MRI wasn't done with contrast. If it had been, we would be able to see, for sure, what was scar tissue and what was disc material. So now I'm disappointed it wasn't done with contrast too. As far as my current status, the path I'm on would be the same. If this next step, an epidural shot, isn't effective, then it would be good to know for certain what is going on in there. He explained some of my options if it's scar tissue. I learned that there are some things I can do, beside surgery, if it is scar tissue. That was nice to know, all I've heard from the other doctors is surgery. Gotta be honest, not too keen on surgery again. Wasn't exactly effective for me the first go round. Not really interested in going through all that again, for nothing. I'm crazy like that though. For now, all three orthopedic doctors agree that I should be getting an epidural shot at this point. I suppose that should be reassuring, three of them agreeing on something. At this point, I'm more or less, Whatever, insert eyeroll, about it all. Dr. K did tell me if this doesn't work for me he'll order an MRI with contrast. He also has me scheduled for a nerve test for my right leg again. He's concerned about my lack of reflex in my right foot. (It's been like that since the original injury.) If nothing else, he's thorough.

Then Dr. K goes, "So you want to do it Wednesday?"
Me, "This Wednesday?"
Dr. K, "Sure. Or next. Whenever you're ready."

He went to go check on another patient and told me he'd be right back. And I fell out of my chair. I was kind of freaked out over having it done in two days. I'll be out of commission for a day or two. It's outpatient surgery. Yeah, it's outpatient, but it's still surgery. I looked at my calendar, at first I was thinking this week wasn't good because of the girls being on Spring Break. Then I realized, that was probably better. No one would need to schlep them to school, soccer, gymnastics, art, etc.... I wouldn't be worrying about schedules being kept strait and such. My parents had told me they'd take them for the day, so I could truly get some rest. Little doesn't handle this stuff well, she'll come in my room and want to snuggle or whatever. She's making sure her mama is still going to be there for her. In the process, she tends to get me to do things, like lift her, that are big No, Nos.
I called DaddySpeak (he'll need to be there for a day or two to make sure I'm OK.) He said he'd take of the days either week, but he thought I should do it sooner than later.

Me: "Next weekend is my Aunt & Uncle's (90th) birthday party on Saturday and Little's party is on Sunday. I don't really have to do anything for either, and should be fine for both, but there is a lot going on that weekend. But this Friday is the princess birthday party Big is invited to and I really want to be able to go take pictures at it."

DS: "I'll go take pictures at the party." (I swear I could hear his eyes rolling in his head.)

Me: "It's not the same. But I should be fine." (I know he was thinking he'll kick my butt if I'm not fine, but go eff myself up to 'get the shot'. He's totally right, I would do that, but I promise I won't.)

So on Wednesday, I'm having an epidural. Wish me luck!

My Super Power

That's right, I'm a Super Hero. Who knew, right? Turns out I do something so well, it's not just something I'm good at, I'm freak'n gifted at it. (Besides having babies, which yes, I do happen to seem to be excellent at, birthing hips and all, but I digress...) Turns out I'm really SUPER at...(wait for it)...SCARRING. Yeah, you heard me.

Ok, I'll explain. Went back to the neurosurgeon on Thursday. He thinks I do NOT have a herniated/bulging disc again. He thinks I have scar tissue pushing on the nerve. Not even a lot of scar tissue. He showed me on my MRI how in one picture you can see the nerve. The next millimeter down in that disc you can't (see the nerve), and the millimeter from that one you can again. So he doesn't think it's enough material to be the disc material and is actually scar tissue. Yep, scar tissue on my sciatica nerve. I am nothing, if not peculiar. He is advising me to have an epidural (cortisone) shot (in my back) and has prescribed a drug that should dull the nerve a bit. So why does scar tissue in my disc some how imply I have a super power? Well...

When I was 3 I was run over by a truck (yes, I need to write this post, I will one of these days, I promise). I had to have tubes put into my lungs. The scars resulting from that surgery are still quite visible. I keloid scar. (Warning; the pix they show in this article, is kind of gross, I think. Not for the faint of heart. My scars, while quite visible, much smaller, not so red anymore. You can see them, but most likely won't really notice them.) Anywho, I'm 41 years old and yes, you can still see quite well the scars on my chest from this accident. The scars are 37 years old. (No, I won't make you do math on here.) People who keloid, scar on the outside instead of the inside basically. Not just ugly, this can be a problem depending on where the scar is located. When I had my first child (yes, guys and easily grossed out, you will all want to quickly depart here,) I ripped a little. My doctor gave it one quick stitch. "It's not like it needs to be pretty." Great bedside manner, no? Six weeks later, I mentioned to a few moms in my new moms group that I had never stopped bleeding after the baby, (Bye Guys!) asking how long it had been for them. Later that afternoon in the doctors office....I was informed that I had formed a keloid scar down there. Your welcome. Except that when you keloid in that area, that kind of tissue won't heal. So I got to be "cleaned up" (cut again) and cauterized with a laser. I was assured it was not common for people who had this happen, to have it happen in future pregnancies, and with my second child it did not. She also weighed a pound less, so that might have had something to do with it, you think?

When age 7, I split open my face. My mom (who also has this problem) has had some severe scarring on her face and knows first hand, how they knock keloids down; sand paper. So, she wouldn't let anyone touch me until a plastic surgeon got there. I took 40 stitches (20 in the cut, and 20 out) to close an inch long gash on my cheek. It still "bubbled" and was red, but not the way it would have. And now, unless you know to look for it, you can't tell. But, even with that many stitches, I managed to put forth a small keloid.

Trust me, I have more stories. I think I've proven my point. I scar really well. Or not, depending on your viewpoint I suppose. So, my guess, is that the scar tissue pushing on my nerve, while not necessarily a keloid, is probably more scar tissue than the average person would build. Ergo: Scarring is my Super Power. I'll be taking Super Hero names in the comments.

A True Anniversary...No Joke

Today is April Fools. This is one of my favorite days of the year.


It was on this day 10 years ago,
my husband proposed to me

It was on this day 10 years ago,
I told him, "Yes, I would spend the rest of my life with him."

And it was on this day, 10 years ago,
our "marriage" began.

In my heart, I believe that the day he asked and I accepted, that was the day we were married.

That is the day that truly matters to me. The wedding day, the wedding itself; gravy.
A celebration with others of our love for each other. An official ceremony to declare ourselves to each other. A piece of paper recognizing that love by the government. That day, May 26, is very important too.

But April First, will always be the real beginning of my marriage.

This year is the first time in 10 years that DaddySpeak and I have been apart on our engagement anniversary. He's sailing with the menfolk of the family in the Bahamas. I'm fine with the fact that he's on the trip. I'm happy he got to take the trip, (though I admit I'd be happier for him if I was on the trip with him.) But today I'm sad and missing him, more than most days.

Not Such A Smart Cookie

Today, I finished (knock on wood) my turn as the "cookie mom" for Big's Brownie troop. Next year, when they ask for a volunteers, someone please kick me & remind me to volunteer to bring soda's to the Christmas party or something. I NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER want to deal with money again! Gah!
What possessed me to volunteer for such a position in the first place you wonder? Guilt. What else, would force a perfectly sane person to choose to deal in with this level of stress and NOT be paid for it? When I signed up to do this position, it was October/November. I hadn't volunteered for anything in ages. I had my surgery in January, so that pretty much explains why I hadn't volunteered for anything, and the year before that was the reason for the surgery. I'd volunteered for a few things, but not much. So I was finally feeling better when the request for the troop cookie chair came up. Every other mom had totally put out for the troop during that last two years AND everyone else pretty much took a big step back and looked at ME! I fell for it, because of the guilt.
Initially, it seemed like it wouldn't be a big deal. We only have 12 girls in our troop and we weren't doing booth sales. "We wanted some funds so help the girls do some fun things, but we weren't some super troop!" I attended the training & thought, "Ok, I can deal with this." And initially, it was fine.

Round 1
Explained process to girls (and their moms). Hand out supplies, due dates & we're off and running. Everything is great.

Round 2
Girls turn in their orders and money for donation boxes. (People can purchase cookies to donate to the military, Red Cross or local food banks. We don't actually handle these boxes, so council wants money up front to know how much to order.) Had to chase down one girl for her info and two girls for money. One girl actually didn't get her money in, but others had collected for some of their regular orders & it was $20, it was covered & I'd be sure to get it when she paid for the rest. First mistake. Lesson: Same rules apply to everyone.

Round 3
Input girls orders (order actual cookies). Deposit donation money. Pick up cookies. Sort & distribute cookies. This is where I started to get all, "what did I get myself into?" I knew, but I didn't really know, until we had to take a van 2x to pick up our cases of cookies. Good thing we weren't a super troop. Sorting, while not really a huge deal, took way more time than I expected, and took a major toll on my physically. Had to chase down 4 girls to come pick up their cookies. One of them, for over a week!

Round 4
Money starts coming in! There were some mix ups with boxes, so many phone calls related to that. I was good about documenting all the exchanges and receipts for everyone. (Thank Goodness!) About half the troop got all their stuff delivered and turned in their money early or on the actual date I deemed due. (I'm not a fool, I padded my dates because I knew there would be stragglers.) I was also able to get a troop to troop transfer set up so that are extra boxes would not cost the troop. The stragglers killed me on this one. So, half, six of the girls got their money in on time or early. For the other six, two of them called & brought it the next day. One of them called me every day for five days to make sure they could hold off just one more day. She also wasn't sure they'd turned in as much as they thought they had for donation (they'd turned in more) even though she'd signed off on the amount on a receipt. Gah!!! The last two to turn in, one lives a couple doors down from me, and was just sitting on it. The last, was supposed to come over after school drop off, the day before my stuff was due. I hadn't slept the night before, so I called to see if we could meet after lunch. She was doing something unrelated and obviously had no intention of making it to my house anytime soon. Day flew by & we never met up. Called her at 8 PM & asked if I needed to come get it or if she could bring it over, because I had till midnight to finish my computer work. When she brought it over, she felt there was a discrepancy in the amount they'd turned in during donation time. She too had signed a receipt for the amount, but now looking back, thinks it must be wrong. But,she just write a check for the difference if I disagreed. (Said in a particular tone, indicating she didn't want to pay that difference & sure didn't think she needed to.) I told her to go home, I'd figure it all out & if there was more due, I'd call her later. In the end there was money missing, but the leaders and I agreed we didn't want to strain friendships over it, and the troop ate the difference.

What I learned?
From the moment I deal with money, make sure I keep each individuals stuff separate, even the deposits. I didn't do this for our donation money, I deposited in the bank all together. I should've done each girl's deposit separately so I could go back with the bank record to show each person. Also?

I will NOT deal with money for an organization again!

Lots Of Sand Round The House Of Speak. Need To Bury Something?

I know I've been MIA. This back thing, it's a tough one. Still. I'm trying not to focus on it on line because it's so depressing, which is part of the reason I haven't written. The other part is that I'm in denial or trying to be, about it all. I haven't set up my next round of PT, or my appointment w/my surgeon, I just want it all to go away. It isn't my personality to stick my head in the sand, but that's pretty much what I've been doing the last week. I have a constant reminder (pain) but otherwise, I'm trying to act like it's nothing. I would guess that I would be told I'm depressed, saved myself a couple bucks there, didn't I. Who needs a PhD? I think that's understandable; I'm in more or less constant pain, I'm going through EXACTLY what I went through a year ago, which didn't work, and I'm in year three of this crap! I have a child, who, at age 3, has decided she has sleep issues, (which are really control issues that are happening during the night.) There's a multitude of things I can't do because of my pain AND I've gained 30 lbs (20 from drugs, lucky me!) during this time. I think there would be something wrong with me if I wasn't depressed. I know I need to go see someone, but along with everything else I'm burying this one in the sand. I've been down this road before, as with any profession there are good and bad, I know that, but I've had more than one therapist who was not a good fit for me (aren't I PC tonight? Translation: They SUCKED!) I just dread going through THAT again. I find that realizing your therapist isn't a good fit is a really good exercise in failure. I know that's not what it is, but when you're in this state of mind that's how it feels. Putting my head in the sand is preferable to feeling like there's something else I'm failing at, you know.
Maybe I'll make a phone call tomorrow. Or not...

House Keeping, or Why My Back Won't Heal

I know, I sort of disappeared the last week or so. Was having a pretty good week and then, BAM! I totally overdid it at Physical Therapy on Tuesday and was pretty much a mess from then on. But, you know, life happens with or without me, so I continued playing mom's taxi & such as required.
This weekend was spectacular. My BFF came to visit from LA on Thursday. (Downside; she flew into SFO, which, you know an hour drive away. Since driving effs me up on levels I can't describe, that didn't exactly improve things.)
Friday, we went to The City (San Francisco) to see Wicked, which was amazing! (Read more here!) But also, more driving, BAH! (Though she did drive, so I could take pain pills to get through it all.) And I wore my boots (heels, not crazy or anything, but not slippers either) and I had to sit for 3 hours. Totally not the optimal way to make my back feel better.
Saturday, I was good and did not do the drive to the airport to take her home. Mostly because DaddySpeak (DS) & BFF made me stay home, but still, I was good that way. Later, we had to pick up Girl Scout cookies, because I am a moron the cookie chair for Big's troop. I did NOT load and unload boxes! I'm not a complete moron, but I did have to sort the 100+ cases of cookies for our 12 girl troop when we got them home. Sorting involved much reaching, pulling & shoving of boxes/cases for a couple hours that afternoon. Probably not on the list of things to do to heal a bulging disc. Saturday night, I went to a crab feed fundraiser for Big's school. It was fun, but again, couldn't wear my sweats or pjs, so the boots were on again. We didn't hang out too long after dinner, but it still involved much standing (at the beginning) and sitting for dinner (they did not provide couches or beds for me to lounge on, rat bastards!)
Sunday, yes it's still the weekend, I was a complete basket case. They ask you to rate your pain on a scale of 1-10, 1 being no pain, 10 being, can't move. I was a 9. I could move, but I didn't want to. I was taking 2 pain pills at a time to tolerate it. I let it get to the 4 hour window for the next round of meds and regretted that. Had to wait for them to catch up a second time. Won't be doing that again soon, trust me. We were supposed to go celebrate my nephew's 13th birthday Sunday night. I didn't go to dinner, DS and the girls went. I couldn't sit for any more than say a minute, and I sure couldn't do it in public. DS came and picked me up after, so I could go to my brother's house and watch my nephew open gifts and blow out his candles. I think my mom was shocked at my state. I showed up in my sweats (which was a step up, trust me,) barely able to walk, w/my eyes glazed over. Not sure if the glaze was from the pain or pills. I was in so much pain that I couldn't read or deal with light. I couldn't focus on anything but the pain. It was awful.
And here it is, Monday. I had a follow up with my orthopedic doctor (OD) today. I wasn't expecting much, I'm telling him how it's going, I live with me, so I know how it's going. I sure wasn't expecting the appointment to go the way it did. After some discussion, I found that this is a bulging disc, not just a tear. The rip is the same place I had surgery before. My (uneducated) guess is that because the surgeon didn't stitch the rip before (I think to avoid scar tissue, and he felt it wasn't big enough for more disc material to move into) more material has moved into it causing the pain. The OD wants me to go see the surgeon. OD is recommending another epidural shot, but he didn't have answers for several questions I had related to it, and thinks I should talk in depth to the surgeon. Great!

So THAT's where I'm at right now.

Another Milestone, "I Don't Like You!"

We've been barraged with illness here in the House O'Speak. Little started it with a really rotten cold which lasted 7 days at which time we spent a full night awake with her and a double ear infection. About a day after that, Big started with the cold. On Thursday (last Thursday) evening she got a fever that lasted all weekend. I could get it down to around 99, but until Sunday morning she was feeling cruddy and miserable. Little, in the meantime was getting better. And bouncing off the walls. On Wednesday, I had my first Physical Therapy (PT) appointment since my MRI diagnosis. By Friday, I was more or less couch bound. As you might imagine, the Speak house was big fun this last week. By Monday morning, Little was feeling like herself, Big was dragging herself along, as was I. Little saw her opportunity.

Little started with hassling her sister, of course. She wanted the pink spoon, and the orange cup, etc... After they ate, they went into the bathroom with instructions to brush their hair & teeth. Big has long hair, so it takes her a little longer and she's the one who actually needed to be somewhere at a certain time. Knowing this, Little made sure to grab the hair brush first. I was finishing getting Big's lunch together in the kitchen and could hear the scuffle starting the bathroom. I yelled for Little to give her sister the brush. Little yelled something to the effect that she needed it. I replied, "Give the brush to your sister, or you're going to get a time out!" To which Little responded by throwing the brush on tile floor, while yelling (in case the all caps didn't give it away), "NO! DAMN IT! I NEED IT!"

As you might imagine, my 3 year old was so dead not getting away with that one. I went into the bathroom, where I found her sitting on her step stool hugging the brush. I took the brush & gave it to her sister. Grabbed her wrist, and dragged her to the timeout chair. The whole time she was yelling at me how she, "Needed to brush her hair!" I was asking her if she wanted her mouth washed out with soap. She was not happy. As I placed her into the chair, she turned toward me and yelled, "Bad Mommy!" while trying to hit me. I grabbed her arm as it came toward me, so instead she tried to bite me. "THAT'S IT! YOU'RE GETTING SOAP!" And she got a pump between the lips. Soap in the mouth, pleased the heck out of her, as you might guess. She ran to the bathroom for water, which didn't help. So she shouted at me, "I DON'T LIKE YOU!" Ahhh, another milestone. (Her sister hasn't said this one to me yet.) I replied, "Well, I don't like the way you're acting." Then she became a puddle. I told her to go brush her teeth, that it would help. She asked me to help her, so I did. And we moved on.

And THAT is how my week STARTED.

Treading Water

I should've written this post earlier today, like right after my Physical Therapy (PT) appointment. I went back to PT today for the first time since my MRI. It really was a good appointment. Lots of (appropriate) exercise, no massage. Normally you wouldn't hear me happy about no massage, but last time I went to PT, the massage is what effed me up BIG TIME. I could tell by the end of the appointment that it was good, because I felt fatigued, but good. That's a first in a while. But, like I said, I should've written this right after, when I was feeling good. Right now, not so much. I've been icing, ibuprofen & (once Daddy got home) pain pills. I'm hoping that this is as bad as it will get, fingers crossed. Not likely, but a girl can hope.

This last week has been rough in general. We took the girls to our friend's lamb farm on Sunday, so I didn't get the rest I usually manage during the weekend. And did too much walking, bending and picking things up. Monday, when I'm usually my best of the week, I felt like I'd been run over by a truck. To make things fun, Little has had a really bad cold and is moody and crabby, (something about apples falling from their trees, hmmm...). As of Monday night it morphed into a really bad double ear infection. All this equals not much sleep or rest for me this week. Tomorrow, Thursday, will be the first day I'll have gotten a break and I desperately need it.

Honestly, I am feeling very discouraged these days. I'm happy to have a diagnosis. I'm glad to have something that can be treated, to be able to develop a plan to get better. But it's been a long time. This has been going on for 3 years, and is looking like it's going to be another year, at least. My girls don't remember a mommy who can participate in anything. Little had the epiphany this week that mommy wasn't always like this. She asked me yesterday how I got hurt. She's never known a mommy who can do things with her. I feel like I've already missed so much with her. Like I've missed her babyhood and now her toddler years are passing me by too. I'm tired of the way I look (extra weight) and having pain when I try to do something to improve on it. I'm disgusted with my eating habits, but also feel sorry for myself and thus eat more crap. I feel like my only relief (I wouldn't even call it pleasure) comes from food, so I'm not willing to give the crap up yet. And I'm incredibly sad about missing another ski season. I want to be the one teaching my babies how to ski. Skiing is my thing and I've barely gotten to do it with them. When I think about that, I'm near tears. Ok, to be honest, when I think about any of it I'm near tears. I'm definitely on the brink of a major depressive episode. I feel like I'm flailing around and no matter what I do, I can't seem to make any progress. I'm so frustrated! And I'm tired. I don't have the energy in me to even be mad about it anymore. I'm just sad. I'm trying, I really am, to keep my head above water, but I do feel like I'm sinking.

Rite of Passage -- The Haircut

I went away this weekend. Had a spa day with the girls down in Southern California. It was lovely. Till I got my phone from my locker at the end of the day. Had a couple calls, emails & text messages from DaddySpeak. I called him without listening or looking. It's extremely unusual for him to call me like that. Several times and all. He answered,

Him: "Did you see your messages?"
Me: "I saw you called & left messages, is everything ok?"
Him: "You need to look at your messages."
Me: "Ok, I'm getting concerned, everyone's ok, right? What's going on?"
Him: "I sent you a a picture, (I'm scrolling my email, not finding anything from him.) you need to look at it. Everyone is fine."
(I'm losing patience at this point. The tone of his voice tells me it isn't something funny or cute. But ok, no one's hurt.)
Me: "I don't have a message from you. Listen, what's up. Just tell me first, ok, I can tell from you voice I'm not going to be thrilled and whatever I'm imagining is worse than what you're going to say."
Him: "Ok, I SENT you a text with the picture in it! Little cut her hair."
Me: "WHA???? How, what?... How bad is it?"
Him: "That's why I sent a picture."
Me: "I don't understand how she got scissors, they're all up high. Even the ones that won't cut anything but paper..."
Him: "She was cold, so I told her to go to her room to get a sweatshirt. She was taking too long, so I went up to check on her and she was in the study with her bangs cut. She found them in a drawer in the study."

So apparently, Little climbed over a bunch of storage baskets and boxes to get to the desk in the study. I hid put a bunch of Christmas stuff in there and haven't gotten it out yet. So there's a huge pile of boxes and whatnot in that room, it was no small task for her to get to the desk. The scissors, jeez, we didn't know they were in there. Well, I didn't. I thought all the scissors in the house had been placed on a high shelf in the kitchen. Not that she couldn't have gotten to scissors placed high up, she's resourceful. I figured if they were up that high, hopefully someone would catch her before she actually got anywhere near them. I'm not surprised that she did it. That's why the scissors are stored so high up. I know my kid.

DaddySpeak gave her a time out & then whisked her to a close by hair salon. They basically cut the rest of her hair shorter, as if a short bob with extra short bangs was what we wanted. Remember, Little has curly hair (like her mama) and I had a hard time finding a kids cutting place that knew how to cut curly hair. Obviously, that's not where he went. I'm not holding out too much hope on the quality of the cut. We'll see. His intention was good.

Bet you think that's the end of the story, don't you? Ha, ha, it's never that easy with Little. After they got back from the hair dresser Daddy was keeping an extra close on her. She wasn't too happy about this new development, so she went into the bathroom and then came out & informed him she peed. Yes, she peed herself standing next to the toilet. She was quite pleased with herself. The next morning she came in from the bathroom and informed him she'd done it again. She was naked from the waist down, she told him she'd put her pants in the sink, like he'd done with hers when cleaning up the night before. When he went into the bathroom he found her dry pants in the sink. "Just kidding" she says.

OH. MY. GOD. She's three!
I was sick at the thought of what else she could've done in the time she had to cut her hair. How she could have hurt herself. I'm mean seriously physically ill. My stomach was in knots at the thought. She needs to understand why what she did was not OK. That when mommy and daddy say not to do something, you don't do it.
Obviously she's enjoying the attention this whole deal has brought her, so I realized I needed to find some kind of punishment that meant something to her. A spanking won't work, she'll try to hit you back. Taking away a favorite toy, she'll hand you a few more. Time out, this warrants more than a mere time out. Showing her what her hair looks like, she's proud of the job she's done & is enjoying all the attention it's providing. No, I need to hit her where it hurts.

Starbucks.

No Starbucks for a week. "Won't that be a punishment for you as well?" Nope, it won't. I fully intend to go to Starbucks with her in tow and not let her get anything. I also intend to take her sister and get her something, but not let Little. Sounds mean? It is, but that's the point. It needs to really bother her. It needs to make her think twice about doing something like this again. Right now, she thinks her antics have garnered her lots of attention (granted it's negative, but she doesn't seem to mind) and a trip to the hair salon. I want her to realize that she lost something over this incident. She needs to understand that, or I can't imagine what she'll be like by age 13.

Back In The Saddle

I'm sitting in SJC as I write this, waiting for a flight to go have a MUCH NEEDED girls weekend in Southern California. Because of my back, this ongoing injury, the associated Physical Therapy (PT) & doctor appointments, getting ready for this weekend AND regular day-to-day stuff, last week was exhausting and this week was a bit crazy. DaddySpeak has been a freak'n SAINT. Basically allowed me sit on my arce all weekend, (but kept the house up) so as to allow me to rest my back (and not freak out come Monday, or Tuesday in this case, morning).

Wednesday evening I finally got the results back from my MRI. I have an annular tear. Because of the craziness of my day and my shock at what the doctor was telling me, I did not find out what vertebrae is affected, tho my gut tells me it's still the L5/S1 variety because of the sciatica pain & such. This doctor did not have a copy of my old MRI results so I also don't know how this compares to the hernia I had, how close it is to that location, if it's the same place, somewhere altogether different, etc... Obviously, all good information to get, and I will. For now, I'm basically back to square one. I kid you not. I know!!! This is basically how they started out treating my disc problem, which is "wait and see." If it doesn't improve in a couple weeks, then we'll discuss "shots," which I know is epidurals w/steroids AGAIN! FML!!! Doctor also suggested, "if I'm open to it" (which I am) PT to help build my core and see if we can work out the tweaks being formed around the tear as a result of my response to the pain. I'm supposed to keep my activity to things that don't hurt. And that cost how much for you to tell me? Because I'm pretty sure I figured that one out on my own.

Surprisingly, I'm not devastated (yet). You would think three years into this, and starting over with a similar problem might be devastating, and at some point it probably will start to feel that way. Right now, I'm actually relieved. Shocking, I know. No really, I'm relieved that there is something that shows up on tests. Suffering from Fibromyalgia, I went 15+ years of going through test after test, doctor after doctor, only to be told time and again how "it's all in my head." I had symptoms that were severe enough to warrant the tests, but no one could nail anything down. To me, not knowing what's wrong, is actually the worst. Yes, a diagnosis with no treatment would be awful, but at least you know there's nothing more you can do for it. At that point you can "manage" it. Not knowing, you don't know what to do. And the not knowing, if it goes on long enough, people doubt something is really wrong with you. You get labeled a hypochondriac. Nevermind, that you have symptoms that warranted the tests in the first place. When the people who are closest to you give you that look, the one that let's you know they're wondering if you aren't being just a little dramatic, that when you start to doubt yourself. Once that happens, that's when the depression sets in. THAT's the worst. Being sick and being depressed about being sick, because no one believes you're really sick. (Turn that sentence over for a minute. Yeah, THAT sucks.) So you can see how, finding something on a test, even if that means it's not great news, brings me a sense of relief. It gives me something to work on, a goal, a direction. And for you interwebs, more of my horrible "back" puns.

Now, to get back to the business of getting better!

And In Other News, Want To Buy Some Cookies?

Last week was a wash. (And the way it's raining, this week will be awash too. Badaboom!) Seriously, though, that's an understatement. Obviously, my lack of posting indicates I was less than stellar. (That, or I was having the time of my life. Your odds are always better w/the sucks option when it comes to me.)

I could review it for you, but basically it comes down to lots of "Ow! My back hurts! I have nerve pain! My right foot has minimal feeling." The usual oldies, but goodies. To mix it up a bit, my left foot/inner calf decided to join in the game & my fingertips have started to play let's be numb & tingly too. Guess they were feeling left out. PT gave me some minimal relief, but put me into bed for 3 days and then upon calling the doctor (the new numbness in my left leg and fingers scared me a bit) I was told to stop PT for now & scheduled for another MRI. I'm waiting for the results of that now. I've found that if I rest & take it easy I don't have so much pain & numbness. Unfortunately, my kids aren't so into hanging around watching me veg out. Rat Bastards! So, I'm doing my best to lay low when I can.
In the meantime, when I'm not laying low, we've been out selling Girl Scout cookies (wanna buy some?) This is my thing, not Daddy's, so I have sucked it up a couple times and taken Big out to sell. Just to neighbors we know, we're not going crazy here. It's refreshing to see her excitement at just selling. Just getting the "yes" makes her so happy. She doesn't really care how much they buy, and she knows she's going to "get a prize" for what she's sold, so she's thrilled. Being around a 6 year old is a good reminder for how simple things can make you happy.
That & a box of Thin Mints.

Grateful, but not Dead

Ever heard that expression, "She plans & God laughs..." I know I've brought it up before, because God, apparently she thinks I'm freaking hilarious.

I mentioned last week that my health, aka-my back, has been less than spectacular lately. I finally got into a doctor & found out that I "hyper-extended my sacroiliac joint". WTH, you ask? Well your sacroiliac is basically your tail bone. My tailbone is shifted to the right & sitting up against the right side of my pelvic bone. The ligaments, tendons, etc...associated with the bones/joints that make up your tail bone are stretched in a way that they aren't too happy about, and are letting me know that. I'm in Physical Therapy (PT) now. The Physical Therapist (I'll call him Larry) isn't entirely convinced that's all that is going on in there. I still have lots and lots of nerve damage down my right leg and foot. (More about that later, I'm pretty sure this isn't the end of the nerve damage discussion.) He thinks what's going on in my backside is still affecting nerves, but is going to go with the doctor's diagnosis for now. Depending on how I respond to PT he'll know better if there's more than just my joint having issues.

I LOVE my PT BTW. I've had more than my fair share of experience with PT's and Larry seems to be the real deal. There's a "touch" that some of them have, that can't be taught. My experience has been that more women seem to have this than men, but Larry has it. There's a homeopathic treatment he's using that seems like a very, very light massage/pressure point while moving my leg to adjust the muscles, ligaments and tendons to move things where they should be, instead of where they are. It doesn't seem like he's doing all that much to watch or even really to feel, but when things are coaxed into place, what a huge difference. Bummer is that they do tend to move back after a while. Everything in there is extremely tender, and this particular issue affects the muscles, et al. that wrap around my hip (which I could've told you). On Thursday, I had my first full blown appointment. Afterward, I was sore, but not dying. I even felt a little energized because of the relief of everything being where it should be for a short period. Friday morning was a different story. It was bad. Really, really bad. I thought maybe walking Big to school would help loosen things up, (sometimes if I get moving, even though it really hurts to start, it'll loosen up and feel better, if I don't overdo it,) but it didn't. Got home and laid on the couch with Little. (I was hurting too much to even drive to Starbucks! Yes, it really was THAT bad.) She watched a couple shows sitting on me on the couch. (My old mode of operandi, so I won't conk out on her and not realize she's moved on and is scaling kitchen cabinets to get to the special candy hidden up high, or cooking soup or setting off fireworks. It IS Little we're talking about here.) I got her to bring some toys over that we could play while I laid there, but it was getting much, much worse. In her defense, she was getting bored with this, but so far had been really, really good for me. (That's not something you hear me say everyday, now is it.) I finally broke down and called my parents. It wasn't even noon and I couldn't see myself making it all day like this with Little. They came and got her for the rest of the day. Thank God! I was going to take half a pain pill and see if I could sleep for a couple hours to get some relief. About half an hour later, a mom of one of Big's friends called to see if she could pick her up after school for a playdate. I can't begin to tell you how grateful I was for her. Her older child was having a playdate already, so "it's always easier to have both kids have them at the same time or she becomes the playdate." I told her what was going on with me and how grateful I was she had called. Know what she then did? She told me she'd bring Big home when they were done, so I wouldn't have to worry about driving and could take whatever pain pills I needed. Then she said she was going to Target right then anyway, did I need anything, AND could she pick up take-out for us when she brought Big home, since I obviously wasn't going to be up to making dinner. I almost cried. (I'm almost crying writting about it now.) We had more than enough leftovers, so I thanked her but told her we were fine (and we were). This women is a friend, but she isn't like my best friend or anything. Our kids were in kindergarten together, and are friends. But her generosity on Friday, was above and beyond anything I could've hoped for. My back is still awful (as of Sunday night) and it's bad enough that I'm calling the doctor about pain meds and such (I'm using what I had left from my surgery last year, but I'm low) tomorrow. I think God is trying to remind me I'm not alone in this, that I have more friends than I realize and when I need to, it's OK to reach out. I am grateful for her gernerousity and only hope I can someday return the favor. We have so many friends (and family) that have blessed us in ways that I can't begin to repay.

Also, "Hey God! I get it now! Can we move onto the next lesson? And can this one, not involve any pain? Please?"

Wordless Wednesday-New Year's Style

When all else fails post a pix. ;-)
Since it's still the beginning of the year (work w/me here). Here's our New Year's card. (I got smart a few years ago and purposely send them out after the first of the year..)

The Resolution, AKA-Better Late Than Never

This is my first post for {W}rite of Passage, I explained the way the "challenges" or writing assignments work in my previous post. And so this week's challenge is as follows:

"Anything about resolutions will do. Do you believe in them? Have you ever done them? Beliefs? Success? Goals?"

Ahh, the annual resolve to make your life better. Usually I joke that I resolve not to make any resolutions, thus breaking the one I make as I make it...because I am a big dork. When it comes down to it, I'm not a big believer in needing a "new year" to define a major change in my life. If I want to make a change I need to be ready and if I truly am, than get out of my way, cause there's no stopping me. Obviously, it's not something I decide very often.

A year ago, I decided to make some resolutions and see how well I did. The idea was to track my progress during the year. I already had a medium to keep me honest, my blog. I'd put them out to the world, so why not? It was good blog fodder if nothing else. It was good in theory. I think I followed up on them once. Maybe twice. In light of this writing assignment I figured I go see how well I did with them, even if I didn't really follow through on my updates. Well, I thought it was a year ago. I lost a year there, with my back surgery and all. Opps! Turns out I made those resolutions for 2008. Boy, I really missed the boat on that one didn't I? I guess my answer is generally I do NOT make resolutions. At least I don't keep track of them very well if I do. But in an effort to continue my experiment here, and because I'm curious now, I will review the ones I made two years ago and let you know how I did.

1) Get our finances in order
a. Meet w/advisor to define what is “out of order” & define & start to implement plan (i.e.—we were under insured, I’ve upped our coverage.)
b. Set up plan to get legal stuff (ie—living trust, define who the kids would go to, etc…)updated.
c. Make sure there’s a date in which this should be completed by.

This might seem like obvious one I did not get done. It's a rough one. It involves money & talking about it, and ewww, where's the fun in that? Really, there isn't any, but I did actually get this one mostly done. I know, who would've thunk? We did get our finances in order. Met with a financial adviser and did some retirement planning. Turns out we were in better shape than we could've hoped. Because of this, I was able to QUIT. MY. JOB. Course, then the economy tanked, but still. We're still in good shape. (The girls just have to get scholarships to college.) The part we haven't done? Living trust. (The important one.)

2) Get the house completely unpacked.
a. Spare bedroom & den still have boxes that haven’t been unpacked. (Gee do you think we still need this stuff?)

You might think this would be the first one I'd do. It's relatively easy, just take it one box at a time. You might think that, but you'd be wrong. Apparently finding room for our crap is more traumatic than dealing with money matters for me. If anything, we are in worse shape than before, w/more crap having been piled on the still packed crap. I've made some headway toward cleaning out in a few areas, but then something happens and crap gets shoved into closets only to have more crap shoved on top of it. Do you see the reoccurring theme here? It's CRAP!!!

3) Get all the rooms decorated; still have pix to be hung, etc…I finally accepted that Daddy ain’t going to pony up so I’m starting to do it myself. (Need to unpack/hang at least one thing a week.)

Well, doesn't that sound like a nice plan. HA! We do have stuff (i.e.-pictures & such) on the walls. I actually got Daddyspeak to do the hanging even. I wouldn't begin to say I've been hanging one thing a week though. And, as we've gone along, I have more to hang, things to change out, etc... I'd say I more or less accomplished this one.

4) Follow the Flylady system again (the other stuff will fall into place if I stick with it)

FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.
I would guess I'm still stuck in the same rut in regard to my organization, or lack of it. In my defense, I've added much to my plate in the time frame that this resolution was declared. Specifically in regard to my back surgery and this never ending recovery. One might argue that if I would get off my sorry arce, quit my bitching, and just follow her damn system, then the pity party would be over and I could stop making lame ass excuses. One might argue that, and one would be correct, but my house is still a sty.

5) Define house projects we’d like to do, prioritize them, budget them out & move on them (if I do #1 and #4 this will actually start to happen.)

I did do this. And we have been doing them. Hanging stuff was part of this one. We were able to refinance our mortgage last month and are redoing all the windows and doors this month. We'll also be having the outside of the house painted when done. Our house payment is going down a couple hundred a month and I'm going to put that in a bank account so that we can save up for other house projects.

6) Walk for 30 mins at least 3x a week.

Exercise. The standard resolution. Well, diet and exercise. I actually did this one as well. I lost all kinds of weight too. Not sure it was the walking or the pain, but the pounds did come off. I was really good about this until my back pain just got so bad I couldn't handle it anymore. After my surgery, I kept waiting for my pain to get good enough to start doing this again. October was the first time I felt good enough to start walking again. Right when everything gets super busy. Since things got bad again last month, who knows when I'll get back at it again. But for purposes of my follow up, I'd say I accomplished this one.

7) Get hair free (except my head) by EOY.

You've got to be going "Wha?" right about now. But I can say I accomplished my intent of this resolution for sure. I had laser hair removal for my face, legs, arm pits and bikini area. I'm supposed to be hair free for having had it done, but I'm not. I did get through all the treatments, and our bank account felt the hit. I can say, I don't have to shave nearly as often, so that's something, I guess. I would say I accomplished this resolution as well, even if the result was not as complete as I had hoped.

Out of 7 resolutions I accomplished 5. That's pretty good. Better than I would've thought. Maybe there's something to this whole resolution thing. OK, I'm on it. I will be declaring my resolutions for 2010 by end of this week.

Writing it All Down

I've mentioned in past posts that one of the things I love most is to write. Well, duh! I have a blog, go figure. Seriously, as much as I love all the pretty colors and textures in my scrapbooking, I realized that my favorite scrapbooking class was the writing class I took at Jessica Sprague.com through Jessica & Liv. A few months ago they followed up with a second class (Type & Writer 2) and I was not disappointed. In both cases, neither of these classes really taught me anything new as far as my journaling was concerned. I have a degree in Communications, I took a lot of different types of writing classes in college. I may not have always been good at it, but I've probably dabbled in most types of writing. What I enjoyed most about these writing classes were the prompts and the journey of the writing that was involved. Every night we'd have a 15 minute free write assignment. While we were encouraged to write on whatever topic we wished, we were given a topic to reflect upon which would be utilized in the next night's scrapbook page. For instance, we were asked to write about an "adventure" we'd been on. The adventure didn't have to be an African Safari, though that would be an obviously easy choice. It could be a walk in the park after it rained or Sunday dinner at Grandma's house, what was important was to convey why it was an adventure to you and to use all of your senses in describing this adventure. I wrote about our forays to the beach house. How the sunlight shines through the palm trees on the main drive and how you can taste the salt in the air when you get close. It is by far, one of my favorite pages. I love how the photos support what I wrote, instead of the other way around.

Realizing how much I miss writing like that I've been paroozing around for a similar outlet and sumbled upon a website called {W}rite of Passage. It is:

"A group of writers seeking a challenge, getting critique, and finding community."

Every week a a new "challange" is given. We sign up to write about it, and then provide each other creative criticism on our writing. The feedback is done "behind the scenes" on the {W}rite of Passage website, so as to keep it safe and friendly. Jumping in with both feet, I signed up for the next topic, January 4th. I'm excited to have found this outlet and hopeful that I won't be too embarrassed in the presence of some writers who I think very highly of. (Yeah, I know I wasn't supposed to end the sentence with an "of", but it's my blog, so I'm taking creative license. ;-) I'll be posting my first essay on Monday, so we'll see how it goes. But if you're interested in stepping up your writing I highly recommend checking out the website.
And for a little eye candy, here's the scrapbook page I mentioned:

Happy Blogiversary!

I've never written about my "blogiversary" before. I always forget & then it's past & who really cares, right? But this year I remembered, before it happened, which means I do care this year. January 2, 2010 is my blog's 4 year anniversary. Hard to believe I've been writing for that long. When I started blogging, I picked blogger, because if was the magical price of FREE! I wasn't sure I'd stick w/it. I figured I'd give it a year or two & then I'd get a site where I could make all kinds of updates & such. This was supposed to be my starter blog. LOL. Four years later I'm still here, and the site looks more or less the same. What a surprise! When I started this, we had just moved into the house we're in now. I was pregnant, so LittleSpeak wasn't even born yet. I worked outside of our home. And my scrapbook pages were all physical! So, a lot about & around me has changed, even if I am too lazy to update the layout of my website.

This week is probably not the best for me to "take stock" of where I am & what I'm doing. I admit I'm a bit depressed right now. My back has been really bad this week & I've been taking it easy, but I'm still ending up having to take medication to help me with the pain. I'm frustrated and overwhelmed and I'm angry. I thought after my surgery last year, my back pain would go away. That a year later, I would most certainly be able to run & ride bikes w/my kids. That unloading the dishwasher wouldn't be the extent of "a good day" any more. And I'm not there yet. The way things have been this week, I'm not even close. I not asking to run a marathon, but I would like to be able to ride my bike around the block and not spend the next two days in bed. Soooo, that's where I'm at right now. One of those situations where you ask someone how they are, and they actually tell you. Opps! Yeah, I'm that person. I know, I'll get back into the doctor. I'll get a game plan & I'll work on this. I also know you Interwebs, will be there to help support me, as you have been this past four years. Right now, I'm just wallowing in my pity party.

While I am being Grumpy McPooperpants, I did take a look at a couple of my original posts. Cringe. (My spelling & grammar is worse than it is now, so don't go look.) I did take the opportunity to reflect a little on the past four years, and how my blog has impacted my life. I realize that I'm very grateful for my blog. I know it's helped to keep my sanity and give me a place to vent. And it's a lot cheaper than a shrink. This last year in particular, I've made some incredible friends & been offered some really cool opportunities. My "social networking" may drive my family crazy, but it's something I've ALWAYS done to some degree. Now there's a name for the thing I do best, and a tribe of people, just like me. Between FaceBook, Twitter, mommyspeak & Silicon Valley Mom's I've found my groove. I'm very lucky to have you Interwebs, life would be much less fun without you. The best part of all of this, (blogging/social networking) is that I've made some really good friends. I've met several in real life even! And have plans to meet several more this next year. These friends, those opportunities, none of that would've happened if not for this little ol'blog of mine. So in looking forward I'm expecting many more positive things, and lots of blog fodder from the negative. Happy New Year 2010!

Christmas Times 2

My back has slowly, but surely been improving. An item of note is that it's responding to ibuprofen. That's huge deal. It means that whatever is going on in there is swollen & the ibuprofen is knocking it down. It helps a lot to know how to make something better. Whole light at the end of the tunnel and all, you know.

So I've been taking it easy. Hasn't been that hard, it's been raining, so we've been hanging out in the house. Girls are playing with their new toys & I'm only getting on them once or twice a day to clean a path, so no one gets hurt. Both girls are game players now, so we've been doing lots of that. It's been fun. Last night we're sitting around in the family room playing games & the TV made this HUGE pop noise. Loud like a firecracker, but quicker. Oh, and the TV went black. After some investigation we determined that the TV had died. I started to Google our TV brand (Vizio) and the drop down suggestion menu had "pop of death" as an option. Well, that sounded promising. Turns out it's a common problem, and that we were pretty much out of luck. Vizio has a warranty of 90 days on their TVs, we purchased our in April 2007. We were a bit out of warranty range. We could have it fixed, and there was lots of information about the parts we'd need & how Vizio deals with getting it fixed, etc...on the internet. However, the fix will cost between $800-$1000 and will only be warrantied for 30 days. We can buy a new TV for that cost & have a longer warranty.

So today we trudged over to Costco, if we'd bought our Vizio thru them the first go round they would've replaced it. (Information that would have been good to have prior to purchasing our last TV). We got a 46" Samsung (Sony & Samsung are the most reliable out there). Samsung offers a 1 year warranty & Costco extends the warranty two years past manufacturers. (My little PSA for you, your welcome.)

Turns out Santa came twice for my husband, he got an Apple TV on Christmas & a new TV for Boxing Day. Happy Festivus.

The Post of Christmas Past (bc I could've written this exact post a year aog.)

Wow! It's been almost two weeks. I'm not sure if that's the longest I've gone w/out posting, but if not, it's close. Those cookies I baked were practically the death of me. While my back has been much, much better since October, 7 1/2 hours on my feet baking (and a few more cleaning up after) proved to be too much for my poor vertebrae. My assumption is that the tissue in that area is inflamed, and so I'm back in pain. (Back in nerve pain. Not good.)

The last two weeks have been a blur of keeping the girls on track with school & holiday functions, shopping, wrapping, cooking, scrap booking.... I'm sure very similar to whatever hubbub your own family had going on. In the midst of it all my back has not been happy. (Much like last year, huh.) So, my blogging is what has suffered. It's unfortunate, as I've had many things I'd like to write about, but just don't have the energy. If I wasn't cramming on finishing the scrapbooks for the grandparents I probably could've pulled off a post or two, but it just wasn't in me.

Suffice to say, we have been having a very "normal" holiday time. And that is good. I was an extremely good girl, as I got a new bike from DaddySpeak. (That or he wants me to get off my fat arce! I'm going w/good girl.) My parents gave us our tickets to Hawaii for this summer (they are taking us all on a trip). Crazy of them, but I'm beyond grateful. I also got a balance board for the Wii & Raving Ravids to go with it. This is leading somewhere, can you guess? We opened gifts w/my parents Christmas Eve. Got home, put the girls to bed, blah, blah, blah...Little got up just as Santa was about to come. Ack! So to kill some time, and make sure she was really asleep, I tried out my new Wii game. It was fun as all get out. I played for about an hour I guess. Then Santa came to visit & I went to bed. Next day we did our family gifts, and hung out in pjs. I realized I wasn't going to get to play w/my bike if I didn't get moving, so I took a quick spin around the block. I haven't ridden a bike a 3 years (since I hurt my back) if not longer. I'm sure I woke up some muscles that have been sleeping for quite some time. Obviously, I'm feeling a bit better if I did these things, right? About an hour after we got to my mom's, my back went into a spasm. It did this in such a huge way, and involved so much of my back that my entire body twitched as it went into spasm. The day went down hill from there. I had my muscle relaxers w/me, so I took one. I suppose it helped some, but mostly I felt like it made me groggy. By the time we finished dinner I couldn't stand to be upright any longer. W/in an hour of that, I couldn't stand to stand, or sit, or just generally be, any more. I declared myself done & we went home. I took a vicodin & got flat. Much, much better. I went to bed & tried to get to sleep, but I could tell the vicodin was wearing off, so I took another muscle relaxer. I'm still really, really sore tonight, but I am better. Slept till noon (groggy from muscle relaxers) and did pretty much nothing all day. Got coffee w/a friend & then went to dinner w/family friends. I was actually pretty good at that. (Hello Zinfandel!) I'm still "uncomfortable", but I can at least find positions to get into now. I'm hopeful that I'm past the worst of this now, and I can get back to my usual routine. Hopefully.

Can we push Christmas out till say January 15?

I'm still alive, really!

It's been crazy & I'm not sure when it's gonna get better. Right now I'm procrastinating about cleaning the kitchen after baking for over 7 hours today. I wish I were exaggerating. My feet are killing me. Tomorrow, we have a Christmas Prayer Service at church, which Big will participate in, so no missing it. Right after the girls and I are meeting my mom, Sister-In-Law & Niece for brunch before we go to the Nutcracker. It's going to be Little's first time. I'm hoping we didn't wear her out from this weekend already. From the ballet, the girls & I will be meeting DaddySpeak at a friend's holiday/cookie party.

I'm exhausted thinking about it.

No, I haven't finished my Christmas shopping.
No, all the Christmas decorations are NOT out yet. (About half of them.)
Tree is up (yes, we got the fake one, it's gorgeous) and decorated.
Front lights are up & outside is decorated.

Please, can we push Christmas out till Jan 15? I'm pretty sure I can pull it together by then. Probably.

Things To Do This Holiday Season In Silicon Valley

So I wrote that post about some of traditions my family shares during the holidays. In the process of this, I started pulling links for, what I think is, some pretty cool stuff to do in the South Bay of Silicon Valley during the holiday season. While we live super close the the Big City, San Francisco, my family tends to stick closer to home for most of our trekking around. Luckily, there's lots to do! I'm sure there's tons more I haven't mentioned, so if you have a favorite by all means please add it in the comments. I'd love to check it out too.

Here's some of the Speak Family favorites:

• Did you know San Jose has it's own Holiday Parade? This year it's December 6, at 8:30 AM. While the best seats get taken early, you don't have to show up at dark o'clock to get a front row view of this parade. Even here in California it's cold that early, so bring something to sit on (a blanket) and dress warm. This year the Grand Marshall is Disney's Goofy!
  
• My mom, Sister-In-Law & I have an annual girls day, when we take our girls to see the Nutcracker. This will be LittleSpeak's first time, she's 3. That should be interesting. If it goes poorly, at least I have a blog post, right? We go to see the local production by Ballet San Jose. I love that we're able to support a ballet company locally. .
• We attend Christmas in the Park in Down Town San Jose every year. This is the 30th year! Usually we know several groups who decorate trees (including groups we participate in.) It's always fun to go find the trees done by our friends. The kids love the displays. And I love that it's still free, after all these years.
• We usually try to go ice skating on Down Town Ice while at Christmas in the Park. Where else can you ice skate outside, under the palm trees?
• There's always a night we drive through Fantasy of Lights in Los Gatos. This is a great way to see lots of Christmas light with minimal effort. Great if you have young kids who won't last long! (My advice, try to go on a week night. Lines on weekends are KRAZZEE long!) We put the kids in warm jammies, pack some hot coco & treats and sing Christmas Carols with the radio station that's sync'd to the displays.)
• Gilroy Gardens sponsors a month long event called Holiday Lights. Kids love it and they have ice skating & Santa too.
• Last year we spent one evening checking out the houses with best Christmas light displays nearby us. I found a great website, Lights of the Valley, where people who go all out can post their addresses and pictures. (Users of the site, rate their displays too!) It's not just for the South Bay, but all over Northern California. I had no idea how much some people do (and close to us too!) We will definitely be doing this again this year.

Traditionally the Holidays

We have lots of Christmas traditions in my family. It's comforting to have traditions. I enjoy passing them on to my girls and telling them stories of doing the same when I was a child. And, they seem to really enjoy hearing stories of mommy as a girl. Some of the traditions we share:

• If we have nice weather we will head to the Santa Cruz Mountains & cut down our tree. Growing up my family would do that regardless of weather. Yeah, that one can go out the door in the cold & rain as far as I'm concerned.
• We decorate the tree together with Christmas music. Many of the ornaments are from my husband and I's childhoods, so there will be discussion about them as they come out of the boxes; who they came from, when, why, etc... Much fuss is made over the final item; the star. Daddy lifts each girl for a turn to place it on top. At my mom's house, it's a running joke about her redoing the ornament placement on her tree after we all leave.
  
• The girls get annual advent calendars. We still get the kind that have a piece of chocolate to mark one day closer to Santa's arrival.
  
• There's an annual visit to Santa at the mall for a picture.
  
• Cookie making with my mom, sister-in-law (SIL) and now my girls & niece.
  
• We have an annual trek to take the girls to see the Nutcracker. This will be LittleSpeak's first time, so that should be interesting.
  
• Christmas Eve used to be at my Grandma's house when growing up. There was always traditional food (ham or prime rib or something) and trays of enchiladas as well as homemade tortillas, (my favorite part). After dinner there was always a cut throat game of poker. (Grandma was a card shark.) When my Grandma passed (21 years ago on this Dec 20) we started spending Christmas Eve with close family friends. They're Italian, so it was Seafood Chioppino for dinner. Yum!
  
• The girls & their cousins always get matching Christmas pjs from my folks on Thanksgiving. These are to be worn on Christmas Eve & Morning.
• We attend Christmas in the Park in Down Town San Jose. We usually try to go ice skating on Down Town Ice while there.
• We drive through Fantasy of Lights in Los Gatos.
  
• Last year we took a night to go check out the best Christmas Lights nearby us. THAT was fun!
  

This post was going to be about how I started a new tradition last year; Elf on a Shelf. But instead it's just about some of the little things we try to do that make the season special to US. I'll introduce you to our Elf in the next post. What kind of traditions does your family do?

Wordless Wednesday - Kansas Style

Girls got to go horseback riding at Papa's farm in Kansas. They were pretty pleased about the whole deal. In case the ear-to-ear grins didn't clue you in. ;-)

The One I Miss the Most is...

Turns out in Kansas you have to get a couple of hamsters to run on a wheel to get the interwebs going....kidding. But my internet access while visiting in Kansas last week was pretty limited, as was my posting. I have much good blog fodder, as you might imagine, after spending a week w/60+ cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc...It was a very crazy, but fun time. The girls has a blast & we had the first good weather we've ever had when visiting Kansas. Still, I'm really, really glad to be home.

Happy to be back in my own bed has taken on a new meaning for me. We slept in my husband's childhood room, which seems to have been frozen in time. What's up with that? My brother took over my room 2 minutes after I went to college (and I was coming back). And my mom couldn't get our crap out of the house fast enough, so she could paint & redecorate. My MIL (Mother In Law) on the other hand, seems to think DaddySpeak might suddenly decide to move back in & would want his room just as he left it TWENTY-something YEARS ago. Maybe DaddySpeak was a more likeable teenager than I, hmmm.....
I digress, (how surprising,) my husband's bed is part of this 20+ year set, and the mattress is HARD. Since we know I'm such a delicate flower, I didn't handle this sleeping arrangement so well. By day 2 I was taking muscle relaxers so I could actually move. During the night, I'd wake myself up every time I tried to move from the pain. My Fibro was rearing it's ugly head, it wasn't good. I bought my Outlaws a new pillow on day 2. I gave it to them after I used it for the week. ;-) That helped keep my neck in check for the rest of the time. My neck still hurt, but it wasn't unbearable anymore. My lower back was pretty unbearable by day 4.

I used to feel bad about the bed my Outlaws sleep in when they come to visit, but I don't anymore.

Amazing Women

This post started out as a recap/review of the SVMoms Holiday party. "Started Out" would be the key words there. I loved all the great companies that were there. It was awesome to get to talk to their representatives & see the products in person. But first I wanted to mention all the incredible WOMEN I got to meet! And the post just mentioning who they were got SO. INCREDIBLY. LONG. The result is that my recap of the companies is going to have to wait a little longer. Tonight is just about the WOMEN!

It was very exciting for me to meet so many of these women IRL. And if you know me, you know I like to talk a bit. So the number of people listed here, shouldn't really surprise you. (And I KNOW I left someone off. I'm sorry! I tried to remember everyone I talked to, but I just know there are people I left off.) While these are the participants I got to hang w/there were many, many more. SERIOUSLY. I feel so blessed to live in a place where so many women are so powerful, talented and excited to share those things. I'm even luckier that these women have included me in their fold. They are my idols, mentors and friends. If you have an opportunity you should take a moment to check them out. You will not be disappointed.

To start I drove up (in the Chevy Equinox, loaned to me by Chevy for the week). My cohorts in crime were;
MommyTwinGirls--Aka Linda, Blog: It's Never Easy, But It's Always Fun
Sharon, Blogs: "Whatever Things Are True", & "Be Bold or Go Home"
And
Amy (who is a twins mom, and has yet to commit to posting on SVMoms yet, but we'll bring her to the dark side yet)

The ride up was fun. We got to talk about who knows, who and how. How we got into blogging, our kids (duh) and how excited we were to have a night out about us!!!
At the party I finally got to meet:

SV Mom (herself, I KNOW, I feel like I met a rockstar! Squeeee!) Jill Asher
Alix, med nauseum blog
Ana Garza, The Garza Girls
Ana or Bongamom, Finding Bonggamom & Bonggamom Finds
Beth, Techmamas
Darryle, Cluttercast
Jane, This Week for Dinner
Myrna, TangerineTimes.com
Nicole, Not Just a Working Mom & Not Just a Working Mom Reviews
Sheila, Xiaolinmama

And, of course, SV Moms, I already knew:
Akemi, Chalk and Cheese Chronicles
Linsey, Me Too You & Whereas

I'm not done either! If you're still with me? There were mom's who are not contributors to SVMoms, but are very active in that community. If you know me at all, you know I'm VERY active on Twitter. I've become "good friends" w/several people on Twitter & a few were there also. So fun to meet them In Real Life too!!!

@GraceD, Grace, State of Grace
@vdog, Vdog & Little Man
@Glennia, The Silent "I"
@kikarose, Jessica, It's My Life
@citymama, Stefania, CityMama
@babyjidesign, Carla, babyjidesign

Still here? Good. If you take the opportunity to read some of the things these women write you will not be disappointed, I promise. My "real life" friends have trouble understanding my "virtual life". If you take the opportunity to read these women, I know you'll understand. So many people and so much talent, and I got to meet them all In Real Life! I'm all hot to go to BlogHer now.