Sunday

Here's an example of why I don't seem to have time to blog.
Today I got up at 7, got Big ready & off to CCD (Sunday school) at 8:30. Came home, clean up kitchen, switched laundry and went back to get Big. Took both girls to Starbucks on way home. DaddySpeak was up when we got back, now 10. Decided I was tired and went and laid down for a bit. Woke up at noon. No one was home, and was still tired so laid on couch while I read emails on my phone. Family came back from grocery store and started making pies. I FELL BACK ASLEEP for two more hours!

Either I'm coming down with something or I'm a complete sloth! No wonder I can't sleep at night half the time, nor can I get anything done during the day!

Lying Around

Mir, being the awesome writer she is, got me thinking about the subject of lying. We've been dealing with it in the House O'Speak recently. Gasp, I know, my preshus babahs lied??? and I'm curious to hear what your suggestions/opinions are on how to handle this situation. I don't think I'm handling it as well as I need to, in order to avoid it becoming the norm in the future.

BigSpeak, has always been “the sweet one” and LittleSpeak is my "spirited child.” This affects how I approach them on this subject. Maybe it shouldn't, and maybe some of it has to do with age, but either way, the subject is not equal in this house. It doesn't pan out the way you might think. In fact, the way Little is dealt with, is more how you might think I would deal with the seven year old, not the four year old. It's been personality based, which is right in some ways, but I still think I'm lacking in a huge way on this one.

Little lies almost constantly. Seriously, it happens so often, it’s like it’s imprinted into her DNA. It’s almost like she doesn’t know how NOT to do it. She’s 4, so I know (at least I believe I know), whenever she does lie to me. But, think about this, by the time it starts to really matter, she’ll have had a TON of practice & probably be pretty good at it. Yeah, I'm pretty much screwed w/her.

Big has been caught in 2 lies recently. Both were things that I thought her sister had done, but turns out she had done. Initially they were “errors of omission” while her sister was getting interrogated & accused. I'm sure she mostly stood by out of fear and self-preservation, considering how much trouble her sister seemed to be about to get in. When I was satisfied her sister hadn’t done it & turned to her, she lied to my face, for like 2 seconds & then told the truth.
I find it hard how to handle the whole she finally told the truth part. I don’t want to over punish her and therefore end up with more lying in the future. But she did make the infraction AND then was going to allow someone else to take the punishment. How do I punish, but somehow show that it was "less of a punishment" than she would've gotten otherwise?

Here's where my question comes from; My mom always told us, "You'll get in more trouble for lying, then you will for the actual act." That might be true, but how do I know that? If I don't lie about it, you're just pissed about whatever it was that I did/didn't do. General punishment prevails. If I lie & then, when put on the spot, tell the truth, haven't I just been taught to "play the odds" and if they don't pan out, go for the plea bargain? Doesn't that imply the "plea bargain" will net a lesser punishment? I have no doubt my kids are smart enough to think it through to this point. I did after all. Obviously, my mom didn't give me a good example of how to do this well. Are you getting that I was a bit like Little? Quit laughing, I know payback is a bitch.

Any suggestions? Please?? It's for the safety of the world, really.

Wordless Wednesday-First Day of School, Thursday Edition

And because it's me it's not completely wordless. I can't help it. I just can't keep my mouth shut.

Anywho, BigSpeak started school a couple weeks ago & LittleSpeak started on Wednesday (yesterday).

Big is in Second Grade. Yes, I know, we're screwed. She freaking looks 17, not 7! Gah!
















And this is LittleSpeak. She started Jr. K today. She's a little excited. Ya think? There's no living with her now. She's certain she is all grown up and wants the car keys. (You think I'm joking don't you?)

Great Intentions...

I have this great intention of writing more. And if you know me, you know what that means...

Yeah, so I haven't been around for a while.

One thing I figured out this summer is why my back was taking so long to heal.

MY COMPUTER!!! Who Knew???

It seriously did not occur to me that the computer was contributing because I have a laptop. I work on my computer while sitting, or lying on the couch. I move around. A lot. I didn't think it was contributing because of the way I used it. Now that I know that, I'm trying to limit my time on the laptop.
Ummm, yeah, that's like asking a crack addict to scale back to once a week or something.

Since I have no self-control I'm not getting on my laptop as much. Don't get on, don't stay on too long. I check my email, tweet and Facebook on my phone. I get on my laptop for 15 mins to answer the emails I can't answer on my phone. I intend to do more, like blog, but I usually can't finish what I get on there for in the first place in 15 mins.

So that's where I've been. Or where I haven't been.
I'm here, but I'm limited in what I can do on the computer. When I don't limit myself, I can tell. It sucks. I'm trying to get on here more. And, hey, if you have any suggestions on how I can figure out a way to be able to here more, I'm listening...

Last Day of Summer

This is the longest I've been away from my blog. I'm sort of overwhelmed w/the idea of catching up. So I'm posting this; to try & help me get over it. I'm hoping that if I do this then I can post & not be stressed about catching up. So tomorrow is the first day of school. I'll have a 2nd grader. In a couple weeks, I'll also have a pre-K'er. It's going fast. Summer flew by & my back still seems better, so hopefully this week I'll have more for you and gratuitous photos.

Amazing and Lucky

This weekend I realized how much my husband really loves me. That might sound like a weird statement when I tell you why, but just wait, you'll see.
We've been married for nine years, and he does lots of the traditional things on the traditional days to show me that he cares for me. I appreciate all of those things, (and hopes he continues on that tract,) but this weekend he showed me his love in ways that I couldn't have articulated before hand. They're such small things and yet, that is part of what makes them so big. During these past four years especially, with this back problem, he has consistently picked up the slack over and over again for me. But this weekend, he came over to the beach house after being away from us all week. He stepped in and just picked up where I left off! On Friday, when we got back from the beach, BigSpeak had been trounced by the ocean during the day. She went to the outdoor shower to get cleaned up. LittleSpeak was sounds asleep in the car. DaddySpeak had pulled up a few minutes before us. He fawned over the girls and got all the details of the week while I helped them in the shower (Little woke up during the time). After I got done getting both girls clean (and they were in their room getting dressed). I sat on the couch for a few minutes to pull myself together. I do this most nights. I need 10 mins to decompress and rest my back before I start dinner. I usually look at my phone to see what's happening with Twitter and such. While I did this, he started dinner. Since he was doing this, and I realized it, I took a few minutes longer than usual and had a little conversation. When I walked over the kitchen (maybe 15 mins total had passed) the table was set, dinner was made & we were being called to eat! I KNOW that's not an amazing thing, but it happened so easily, so seamlessly that it felt amazing.

All weekend has been like this, he's put in new lights, hung some hooks, vacuumed the fireplace and garage...all things that needed to be done, and I wanted done. Things we'd talked about in weeks before & then he just did them. And we were a family. We did family things. I've got a rotten cough/cold thing and he let me sleep in, but then I was able to participate in the rest of the day because of that.

It was just so amazing to feel that groove with him. My back has been such a force in what we can and can't do for so long it's crazy. This was the first time in a months (maybe years) when we just were...and it was so nice.

I realized (once again) how lucky I am to have someone who understands me and (in spite of that understanding still) loves me. Loves me enough to pick up where I leave off, without anyone having to say anything. I am the luckiest girl alive.

Better, but with Coughing!

I know I said I'd be back & then... ::crickets chirping:: I am doing better, and because of it, I'm doing WAY more. After doing WAY more, I'm then too tired to do anything else, like blog.

The good news is that I'm currently living at the beach (don't I sound glamorous? I'll set you strait on that one in my next post.) BigSpeak is participating in one of the Jr. Guards programs and LittleSpeak & I are hanging with her every day. Can I tell you something? Dude, my 7YO, she's a total badass! I know you aren't supposed to describe your kid that way, but you should see all the stuff they're doing on the beach, in the sand & the FREEZING ocean!!! And, you know, no big deal. OMG! Such a big deal! I wish I could do half the stuff they're doing. Theoretically, of course, I have no desire to shag my fat arce into a red bathing suit and run into the FREEZING water.

DaddySpeak is still working (Rat Bastards won't let him cruz for the summer! I mean it's not like anyone is getting anything done this month anyway, right?) So he joins us on the weekends. Yeah, you heard that right, that means I'm playing the roll of the single parent during the week. And I'm pulling it off! Amazing, I know. I wouldn't have believed it possible a month ago. Something clicked the week before we moved here & I'm much better (knocking on wood LOUDLY!) Currently dealing w/mostly muscle spasms. They're awful & no fun, but spasms I can work through. Nerve pain, not so much. Hopefully, we have passed this hump & will not be seeing it again. (I have PAID my dues on this one, no?)

So, I suddenly seem all set to go to BlogHer10, no? NO. ::sigh:: Sadly, I have contracted this awful cough thing that Little has had since before school got out. Doctor didn't think it was whooping cough when I took her in. He did give us antibiotics which seems to reign it in, but not get rid of it. Big has it too, though not nearly like I do. I am up at this ungodly hour, because I couldn't. stop. coughing. I decided yesterday that I did not want to spend the conference sick. Or passing this on to everyone at the conference. While you would be home to read all the blogging I was doing, you probably would not be happy with me, and would be unfollowing me. So, I sent out an invoice this morning to sell my conference pass.

I still can't seem to really get ahead, but I am making progress. Guess that's all I can hope for right now.

HERE!

I know I disappeared for a month. It's the first time since I started this blog that I've really taken a break. I've gone a whole month without posting. I needed a break, I still do, but the best I could manage was to quit trying to do so much. So my blog posting dropped off. Tweeting was about what I could manage, and did, with much vigor. I'm not gone. I just needed some time to regroup. (I'm not sure I really did, but it sounds good, right?) SV Moms has disbanded, which also contributed to my absence, (no one was poking me to get my posts in.) I have two cents I plan to give about that, but right now, I just wanted to let you know that I'm still here. I do know you come check to see if I've posted anything, and I've had several things I plan to write mulling around in my head. Hopefully, I'll have something more later this week, next week for sure.

In the meantime:

1. Things are (tentatively) better with my back (I cringe to write that for fear of jinxing it.)
2. I'm on the fence about going to BlogHer10. Decision will be made in next day or two.
3. The girls and I have spent a full week at the beach house for Big's Jr. Guard program. We were back this weekend & are playing with colds/allergies?, I decided we all needed a mental health day. We head back over the hill tonight, for two weeks.
4. The beach has been cold & foggy. Highs have been in the 60's at best. This is not contributing to a positive outlook on my part.
5. I'm fat & depressed about it. (On an up note, my back is finally giving me some room to move & do something about it.)

Ok, more this week, I promise!!!

Pain of a Different Sort

I think this whole journey is starting to get to me. Today was hard. Really hard. It's the first day of summer vacation & I was either super bitchy or on the verge of tears all day. This is all from emotional & mental issues. The physical pain is there, it always is, but the emotional pain was the worst it's been so far.

The girls sat on the couch this afternoon going over all the things they want to do with me, but haven't been able to because of my back problem. None of it was anything radical, it was things like riding bikes & running together. I would've cried if DaddySpeak hadn't rescued me from the conversation. I explained to the girls that I feel the same way, that's why I'm going through all of this; doctors appointments, physical therapy, epidural shots... but they don't understand any of that. They only understand that mommy says, "no" a lot about things. Things that all their friends' mom's can do. Things their mommy ought to be able to do.

I believe I'm in the middle of a trifecta of chemical imbalances (in my brain,) at the same time. You may think I'm off the deep end with this one, but once I tell you why, I may seem more sane than before. A few weeks ago, I realized that the neurontin, was fogging up my brain to a fault. I couldn't remember anything specific about conversations. Even conversations that had occurred less than a few minutes before hand. I was starting to get concerned about what I might be doing, while say, driving and not be remembering it. Realizing how bad it was getting I decided to pull myself off. The doctor and I had discussed how to do this when I first started the drug, so I followed his instructions from before. Guess what else it was doing? The neurontin was helping with my pain. I know, because of how much of it was back once I was completely off the drug. It was that, or I just couldn't remember how much I'd been hurting.

In the meantime, my other doctor wanted to schedule another epidural shot. After the last one, I did have some reservations. We had a discussion about where my pain had been & where it was now. We determined that I'd had about a 20% reduction in pain, which seemed about right. "Would I be willing to go through that for another 20%?" Well duh! If I thought I really was going to get another 20%, but that much is unlikely. It did seem to be helping some, and I'm at a loss for what else to do. The skin problems were resolving themselves, (with some help from the spa in Vegas,) so I signed up for one more round.

Also you may remember, I mentioned I had a visitor at this same time? Aunt Flo is not friend of mine, and has not improved my situation. The night before my epidural shot (Tues) I had a discussion with a friend about our shared perimenopausal symptoms. Long story short, her doctor had recommended birth control pills to help with the symptoms. I had my annual OB/GYN appointment (because an epidural shot isn't enough for me in one week) scheduled for the day after my epidural shot, (Thurs) so I brought it up to my doctor then. She agreed and put me on birth control pills. I started those on Friday night.

Do you see where this is going? Me neither. Oh yeah! My point, (yes, I did have one) is that in the last week:

• I've finished weening myself off a drug that was affecting my memory (neurontin)
  
• I've had an epidural shot (steroids)
• I've had a visit from Aunt Flo (hormones)
• I've started birth control pills (more hormones)

I'm not sure my emotional reaction to the girls was entirely because of what they were saying. I do feel awful about all the things there were bringing up. It was the first time they've done that to me, (probably won't be the last) but I do think there's some things going on chemically in my brain that really gave my emotions a big boost. Since they were negative emotions, it wasn't good. All day I felt awful, like I had a wet blanket weighing me down. Not only did my back hurt, but I felt queasy, achy, clammy... As the day progressed it worse, not better.

Saturday night the girls were sleeping over at my parents so we could go to a co-workers party. I begged off. Luckily, my husband knew I wasn't really feeling up to it. I think he was afraid I wanted him to stay home and babysit me. What I wanted & needed was some alone time. He took the girls to my parents house & went to the party. He sent me texts a couple times to make sure I was still okay, (and probably be sure I wasn't pulling a mind game on him). I had the opportunity to wallow in my pity party. I decided to have a drink, instead of a pain pill & things seemed to chill a bit for me. I watch some mindless TV on Hulu. It was pretty much what I seemed to need. Of course, I'm feeling a ton of guilt now; over not keeping the girls home, not going to the party with him, etc... because I don't give myself any slack.

This morning, Sunday, I was able to sleep in. We had NOTHING planned today, and I needed that. I'm much better. I've still got the black blob of unhappy in the back of my head, but it's not winning today. I'm not sure what to do, and maybe that's my problem. I'm at a crossroad of sorts, the stuff I'm doing for my back isn't working but I'm not sure what to do. Today I refused to take a pain pill till I really couldn't stand it anymore. (My personal protest against my body, I guess.) I also did two loads of laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, etc...stuff that isn't great for me, so 1:30 is pretty damn good, I think.
I'm hoping the big black blob of emotional pain was a "perfect storm" (drugs, steroids, hormones,) that won't show up again, but I'm seriously not sure. And upon reading this, I have to say, I'm playing this down a bit. The reason I started writing this is because I think I need help, but I'm not really sure what/how to do it. I've asked doctors time and again for a referral to a (mental) therapist and every time I get a "look in your insurance book" at best. I've had bad therapists, I don't want to make this situation worse. I get plenty of bad advice for free already. This bout I had yesterday, I had feelings that were...I wouldn't call them suicidal, I don't want to kill myself, and I wouldn't, but in a respect I feel like it wasn't entirely me. And they were really, really black. I don't know exactly how to describe it. It scared me. But like I said, I think it was the "perfect storm". I don't anticipate that happening again.

Fat Clothes

Had to buy new clothes today. This is the down side of the weather finally improving; summer clothes. It's been humid here too, so there's no getting around it, I needed some shorts & tank tops. I've been making due w/sweats & sweat shorts (I wear to PT) up till now. When my MIL visited she washed the shorts that do fit & has misfiled (put away in the wrong person's dresser) my 2 pairs of my (current) favorite shorts. Since I only have 2 other pairs (both white) I'm at a loss. Today at Target I found several pairs of shorts & some tank tops (that aren't clingy) & brought them home. I want to cry. I'm not going to tell you the sizes, but it's the largest I've ever been in my life. I'm so frustrated. I knew my general size, so when I was there I grabbed the size & bought them, figuring I could return anything that didn't fit. A couple of the tops fit, but I know they'll shrink w/washing, so they're going back. One pair of shorts & a skirt fit cute. One pair of shorts had pleats. PLEATS! What the hell people??? No one over size 2 should wear pleats. Good Lord! Really, I didn't accomplish much. I need to go do some more. We're going to Hawaii in a couple weeks, so I need to have some clothes to wear. I want to cry.

I started low carb & was really good...for TWO days. Then that went to hell. Turns out Aunt Flo was coming to visit & hasn't been in a while, so that was part of the problem. I'm getting back on that horse tomorrow instead of running behind it.
Going to try & power through walking two 15 min stretches a day. Will take pain pills to make this (the 2nd one) happen. I read a post tonight about someone I follow who has lost a bunch of weight. She put her before & after pix on the post (I think it's private, so I'm not linking to it for now). Her current weight is my current weight, but she's been running & working out so she looks GREAT! I realize that my real issue is that I'm not moving enough. Yeah, I'm in pain when I do, but I'm in pain when I don't, so really, what's the difference. I seem to do my best when I when on vacation & moving a lot. I believe it has mostly to do w/not driving, but I'm thinking that if I can get myself into better shape, it certainly won't hurt my back situation. I can't say I'm not doing it to lose weight, but the truth is really that I'm doing it to feel better. Losing weight will be an added benefit, which will make me feel MUCH better.

So here it goes. Starting tomorrow. Walk in morning & in afternoon. Put it in writing, so now I'm committed. You're gonna keep me honest people!

First World Problems

I can't seem to catch a break here people.
I don't know who I pissed off in my former life, but it must've been something good. I certainly hope I had fun doing it. And really, if that's the case, shouldn't I get to remember it? Who do I talk to about this?
Anywho, I digress (surprise!). Since, I last posted, 4 days ago, my pain had still not returned. A whole week! Woot! Yeah, don't get too excited, there are some reasons for that. Like, I wasn't moving much at all in the last four days. That fatigue thing I mentioned? Turned out it was the beginning of a virus. I don't miss a beat, I tell ya. Just to keep it interesting LittleSpeak got in the act too. Sunday night both her and I started running fevers. Let me tell ya, big fun to feel like crap, but have to take care of a kid who feels just as bad, if not worse? That's a level of fun that few get to experience.
On Monday, she was running 102 (ear thermometer, so probably 103) and I couldn't get it below 100 until 2:00 in the afternoon. I would've been more worried about it, but since I was running a fever (100, I avg 96, so that's pretty high for me) I wasn't really coherent enough to realize how it should be upsetting me. All she wanted to do was lay on me, which, I mean how does a mom say no to that. So we laid on the couch. I had the stream of Nick Jr. going, but after a while she just wanted to sleep. We laid there & sweated. Want to sit on my couch now? My virus, (Oh no, we can't have the same thing, we need to have something different so we can pass them back and forth.) included a post nasal/sore throat thing. Little's virus included a stomach bug. She never did get sick enough to throw up, but I know she wished she would on more than one occasion.
Tuesday, she was improving. Her fever was coming & going, she actually felt like eating a little and was happy to commandeer the TV. In other words, she wouldn't sleep. I was, of course, not that improved. I think it was rude for her to get better faster, considering I needed to nap and mope some more. Kids are like that though. Last night, I was running a fever when I went to bed, it's like a hot flash, but contagious.
Wednesday, I actually got dressed! I walked BigSpeak to school and took Little to gymnastics (Damn strait I took her! I need to wear that kid out!) My Mother In Law (MIL) was showing up today for a long weekend. It's Big's birthday weekend, so she thought she'd come to see us. My husband however, seemed to forget his mother was coming to visit and left the house in much of a state. My MIL comes to stay often enough that I'm sure she's seen the house in worse shape, but I prefer not to have the chores waiting for her when she arrives. (She's not good at leaving things alone.) I quickly scrambled to at least get the sheets on her bed changed. Check! And then to get the dishes out of the sink, which required unloading the dishwasher. Don't worry, I didn't get that far. The sheet changing was apparently "over the top" as once I got downstairs I felt my back spasm and familiar pains started down my right leg. I wanted to cry. I'd gone a whole week, more or less, without a pain pill! Granted, I spent a good part of that week lying down sick, but lying down has not been indicative of less pain, so I really thought the shots were helping. To have it potentially undone on the first thing I did is very disheartening.

I took pain pills, and laid on the couch as much as I could to try an help get it under control. I'm not dying or anything, but I'm pretty sure I'm not "off the pain pills" as I'd hoped. I'm not 100% for sure and Big's birthday party extravaganza is this weekend. Twenty 7 year old girls, glitter makeovers, fashion/dance show extravaganza! God help us all. I was feeling better when I signed up for this, I need to remember to stop doing that.

Yeah, I have a bit of a pity party going on these days. It’s frustrating at best. Part of me feels guilty when I get like this. No one is dying, or losing a limb. I have resources & support to deal with this never ending problem. I don't get to feel sorry for myself, there are so many people who have it so much worse. Upon thinking about it, I realized I need to allow myself some of this frustration without the guilt. What I have is a first world problem. No I'm not losing my home or dying, but that doesn't mean I don't have a sucky situation. Just because I don’t have the worst issue of everyone doesn’t diminish the suckatude.
I'm hoping that allowing myself to wallow a little in my suckatude (I love this word and will be using it often now) perhaps it will get some perspective and not last so long.

And maybe I'll catch a break one of these days.

Not Just Ruining Professional Baseball Careers

Had my last (3rd) epidural shot on Wednesday. That was 3 days ago. Honestly, I don't really seem to have any back pain now. The nerve pain is gone. Yup, you read that correctly. But before you start planning the party, you should know a few things.

1. I've been down this road before. From what I remember, I actually had a faster response to these shots last time, but they didn't last. In other words, I felt better, but I didn't heal. I'm reserving judgment this time.
   
2. I'm feeling better, and have more energy, but I'm tired. Like fatigued tired. My guess is that there hasn't been a ramp up to this new energy level. I have energy because it was all be routed to deal with pain. The pain was all the eff'ing time, so that's a lot of energy being put toward something. That does NOT mean I have energy to go run laps, it just means I don't have to sit down after each & every thing I do.
   
3. I have energy, but not strength. I want to do things, but I need to remember not to do them just yet. To pace myself. I should NOT be doing things that involve lots of bending over and/or lifting. Even though I feel like it's "probably fine." It actually probably isn't fine. Emptying the bottom of the dishwasher is one of the things I should avoid. Picking up laundry baskets also fall under this guise. Sounds like things that should be easy to avoid, but you might be surprised at how much they come up. I have lots of practice with avoiding these activities. This new found energy finds me awake staring at the sink of dishes because the dishwasher needs to be unloaded. Or the laundry basket that needs to be picked up. The call of those things can be surprisingly strong.
   

I have a whole new world of exciting symptoms I get to deal with now as well! Beside shrinking my testicles...or wait...I didn't have any testicles, maybe that's why they're so small now. ;-) I have the added bonus of a major break out, read: acne. Skin that is thin, dry & won't heal. Or won't heal very quickly. I'm scared to get a pedicure, and the thin, dry skin thing has made my heals a thing to be avoided, implying a pedicure is eminent. But I fear the beauty salon because of the healing thing and infection. My understanding is that steroids surpress your immune system, so I'm afraid of getting something serious (think MERSA, paranoid much?) and not having it heal. The skin on my face is a mess due to an acne break out & ingrown hair (chin hairs that have taken on new proportions, thank you testosterone increase,) that is out of this world. I assume these have stepped it up as a result of the steroids. I'm bloated, my face is rounder. So now, not just fat, but round faced, w/big ugly scabs & sores. Bet you're dying to see a picture now, aren't you? Fat chance.

I also have been dealing w/a very "fuzzy brain." I can't seem to remember things, or remember then clearly. That's not like me at all. Ironic, my brain was clearer when I was on the pain medication, than it is off. Go figure. My Twitter Dr. (who blows Dr. Google out of the water,) tells me that's more of an issue related to chronic pain, so maybe not from steroids, just from everything else. Not really a surprise. It's probably not new, I'm just trying to do and keep track of more, so I'm noticing it more is my guess.

I'm doing my best to keep some perspective on all of this. I am better, these things will pass & hopefully I will stay better, right? RIGHT?

An Afterthought

I'm not sure what to make of all of this. I wasn't going to write about it. There are some things you self censor about, and relationship issues with DaddySpeak are generally things I treat as off limits, unless/until resolved. Even then, there's usually a bigger issue that I'm talking about and the "resolved relationship issue" is a side story. But there's a trend going on here and I'm not sure what to make of it. Maybe you can help me make some sense of it. Sometimes, you're too close to the subject to see it clearly, forest for the trees and all.

In the last month DaddySpeak has regularly "let me down"about some (what I consider) fairly major stuff. He's had issues with scheduling for all three of my epidurals. Someone has to drive me home from the appointment. I also, should have someone around that day, just in case. He made it to the first one, though he had to call in sick, because he requested the next week off. I could tell from his reaction that some how this was my fault. It wasn't, not only did we talk about it over the phone, but there were texts involved. It was short notice, but he was involved in the decision. I wasn't too concerned, other than the response that implied it was my fault. I was frustrated, but you know, it happens.

The second epidural was also my fault because, I "didn't email the dates and therefore they don't exist if they haven't been sent in email." Yes, that's a quote. Again with the attitude that there is fault implied and how dare I expect him to take time off for this, again.

After that, I emailed the last date of the epidural to him. He swears I told him May 5. Maybe I did. I'm taking pain, nerve dulling & mild anti-anxiety drugs. I'm in a fair amount of pain consistently. The pain dictates my attention span more than I'd like to admit. It is likely that I will make some mistakes here and there. I would think I would've remembered noting May 5 (Cinco do Mayo) but maybe not. Anyway, on May 4th when it came up that the shot was not the next day, but the next week, I was told he could NOT take me on May 12 because he rescheduled a meeting that day based on being out on May 5. Um, OK. I don't know how important this meeting really was, maybe it was that important, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit my feelings were hurt. I worked it out with my parents to watch the girls AND take me to my appointment. I would deal with being home alone after the appointment. I've been fine the other two times, I suppose I'll be fine this time as well.

May 4th was also the date of my first physical therapy appointment since I started the epidural shots. The appointment involved mostly massage, and a little exercise. It didn't seem like much, but I was definitely feeling the affects of it by that night. I did not sleep well (i.e.--at all, more or less) that night from the pain. In the morning, when DaddySpeak was getting ready for work, I noted that he had already planned to take the time off. Since I was exhausted and hurting, perhaps he could stay home as planned. I was told no. He had things to do at work that day. This was the same day that after calling in the late morning to ask that he come home soon because I was NOT improving, Little jumped on my stomach. At that point, I called and TOLD him to come home NOW. I was seriously hurt and pissed.

So, my medical related needs are not the priority I feel like they ought to be with my husband. I can't say he hasn't been here for me in a big way on a day-to-day basis, because he has. And this has been going on forever. (In our FOURTH YEAR.) I get that. But like I said, I'd be lying if I didn't say my feelings were hurt.

On Mother's Day I don't think I had high hopes for much. But I did have a few small expectations. My expectations; sleeping in, a Starbucks mocha (preferable in bed, but not required) & breakfast (also preferably in bed, but not required). My mom's birthday fell on Mother's day this year, and as with all years we celebrated her b-day on Mom's day. This ends up meaning that once out of our house mom's day is pretty much over & it's my mom's b-day. It has always been this way, for me so I never gave it much thought, until I had kids of my own. I was going to host her b-day at our house this year, but because of my back issues my mom insisted she wanted it at her house. (I think she was secretly please, gave her something to fret over before hand and she could control the whole day to her satisfaction.) I think my hopes for mom's day for myself were small, but not small enough I guess. Little got up at dark o'clock. OK, I can't complain to much. She now sleeps in till SEVEN AM. No, it's not 10, but it's not 5:30 anymore either. She came in our room for snuggles. She wants to lay on MY side of the bed. (To get into stuff on my bedside table.) I convinced her to hit the middle of the bed, hoping she'd snuggle w/Daddy, and maybe I could go back to sleep. He tickles her till she gets annoyed and moves back to the edge of my side. Then he rolled over and WENT BACK TO SLEEP. Little will last, maybe, 30 min and then wants to get up for breakfast. I KNOW he was still awake when she started in to do this, but he feigned sleep. I GOT UP at 7:30 AM on Mother's day & made the kids breakfast. It wasn't anything fancy (toaster waffles). It's more about the point of it. This is like the one day of the year I ought to get to sleep in, right? Daddy got up at 11. Yeah, he totally slept in. When he got up he was all, "You let me sleep in till 11?" I just looked at him. I'm sure he did fall back asleep, but I KNOW he was awake when I got up with the girls. He then told me he'd be right back. He ran out and got me a mocha & an orchid. I guess, I should be grateful for the coffee & plant. It just felt so half-assed at that point, I was having trouble finding my graditude. Then I had to remind the girls it was mother's day & they had gifts they made for me at school. (It would have been nice if someone else had waited 10 minutes to get on the computer and reminded them for me. Maybe I'm getting into bitchy territory here, but I don't think it's much to ask for. I'm asking for some consideration.) Thank goodness for the schools or nothing would've happened for me. Because it was my mom's b-day, I then got to go to the grocery store 2x for the desert I was making. In the process, I saved DaddySpeak's butt, but reminding him to call him mom with the girls. (I did it for her, not for him.) Once at my mom's house, the guys all sit and watch TV, which means the women pick up, put together, feed the kids, and clean up. My dad did BBQ the meat, and do the dishes. But the dishes thing, was mostly because my SIL and I were in full protest by that time and refused to do them. I believe my SIL and I (and actually my BFF, which is another story) all should get a do-over on Mother's Day.

Today, I had my last epidural. This is the one he couldn't miss work because of a meeting. When leaving for work I noted to DaddySpeak that he would need to pick up the girls after work. That's when he sort of remembered I was having the shot. He never called today to see how I was, in fact, tonight he had been home for about 4 hours before he inquired. When he picked up the girls he said he was going to grab sometime to eat on the way home. I assumed he'd call when he figured out what they were getting to see what I wanted. He didn't. The girls came running up to see me and told me they had a surprise for me. They got me dessert. He "forgot to see if I wanted something." Obviously, I wasn't completely forgotten, dessert was procured. I wouldn't really think much of it all alone. The accumulation of these events is what's bugging me.

I get it, he's distracted. There's some stuff (position changes, people above him, not him,) going on at work, but he says it's fine. I don't know what to think anymore. I do know what I feel.
I feel like I matter very little right now.

Too Good To Be True - No Really

If I'd written this last night, I would've told you that I'd been pain-free (basically) since Thursday night. I had a Physical Therapy appointment that night and took a pain pill before it (precautionary) and that I hadn't needed a pain pill since then.

That's right, I didn't NEED a pain pill for 3 strait days. Crazy, huh?

But I didn't write last night, I went to bed. (Which is totally where I should be now, so this is going to be short.) Last night I did start to have pain, but nothing a little Advil couldn't handle. The muscles in my back were letting me know they weren't happy and spasms that tend to stay in my lower back area were traveling. I had a good one going under my right shoulder blade. But, like I said, nothing I couldn't handle. This morning I woke up and the spasms had increased. My back's way of early warning I guess. I took my Advil and got the girls off to school. I'd been planning in my head all the things I'd like to tackle around the house. Not having pain increases one's energy level exponentially. But, because I've burned myself in this respect before (meaning I have a tendency to overdo, I know who would've thunk it?) I'd been playing it safe. Laying low, feeling better, but waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak. I got home and decided to sit on the couch for a few minutes. Driving in the car did not improve the way I was feeling. After about ten minutes I finally admitted to myself the nerve pain was back. I realized I was trying to talk myself out of taking a pain pill. Gawd! Sometimes I'm a moron! It's not a contest. I don't win a prize for not taking my pain pills when I need to, and it's nerve pain, I need to! It's not something that's going to be massaged out or something.

I took a pill and laid down. I ended up having to play catch up on the pain, and honestly I haven't really caught up yet. I had a physical therapy appointment this afternoon. He spent most of it working on massage. I'm pretty spasmed out. It wasn't a massage that felt better, it woke up a lot of unhappy muscles. I did do some grocery shopping and such after my appointment, but that was all I had in me.

So, I was feeling better! Yeah! But now I'm feeling bad again! Boo!
I have my last epidural shot tomorrow morning (Wednesday) . Hoping that I have some big positive response to it. I believe this weekend was a result of the last one, so I'm hopeful. I suppose that's something, isn't it.

Mommy Abuse

I'm here! Barely.
I had my first Physical Therapy appointment since starting the epidural shots and I'm rough around the edges from it. That was on Tuesday (It's Thursday night.) Tuesday night I was actually having quite a bit of pain. Not nerve pain (down my leg) though, more muscle spasm pain. It's good news. Signs of good things I suppose. But it makes for a grumpy mommy. It also affects how well I sleep. Tuesday night was "not very well." When I don't sleep well it really affects my pain level.
On Wednesday, I was obviously trying to take it easy. LittleSpeak was NOT so much into taking it easy. She started by wetting the bed at 4 AM. This is only the second time she's every wet the bed. There's not a good time to do it, but her timing did suck. I got things situated and then got DaddySpeak to actually change the linens. Then, BigSpeak decided to get up at 5:30 that morning. OOOOK. My kids are trying to kill me. Since Little was already in a mood she started with throwing tantrums for everything. And I do mean everything. She wasn't even waiting for me to say no, if I just didn't immediately say "yes" then she was on the floor whining and screaming. Lovely start to the day, no? She had her first timeout at 7:45AM. The day progressed more or less like that until we got Big from school. I was letting them watch a TV show to wind down when we hit bottom. Because I was exhausted and in pain, I was laying flat on the couch and had Little sitting on my hip. (Keeps me aware of anything she's getting into.) She got off for a second to get a book or something and, all the sudden,
JUMPED. ON. TO. MY. STOMACH.
She knocked the wind out of me. Remember, I have to brace my back to sneeze or cough and she hit me full force in my midsection without warning. When my voice came back I told her, "Get off of me!" It wasn't loud. I was still getting my breath back. But it was stern. And it scared her. She became a complete puddle. When I was able to get myself into a sitting position I gave her hug & comforted her. She told me I scared her. And I told her she hurt me. And she did. I fear, and it feels like, she undid the last 3 weeks of healing. Yes, I'm sure I'm being melodramatic. I'm sure it's not that bad. But right now, I'm a mess.
I called Daddy & told him to, "come home NOW." I told him what happened and explained that I wasn't sure what my back was doing, but it wasn't good and I'm pretty sure it's not improving in the near future. Once he got home I took pain pills and laid down in our bed. And was not able to get comfortable. Last night I think I got 2-3 hours of sleep. I was up and down all night. The pain is bad. I get into a position that it tolerable, but it doesn't last. I couldn't stay in any position for more than 30 minutes. More like 10-15 most of the night. It was a very, very long night. Luckily both girls had school today. I was surprisingly mobile after those 2 hours. My movement is good, so that's a good sign. I went back to bed and slept until Big came home from school. I took a shower in the afternoon which seemed to help a bit. Tonight I went back to physical therapy. My PT worked on making things move, and very minimal exercise.
I am tender to the touch EVERYWHERE in my back. It's reacting. But like I said, my movement is good. I'm hopeful about sleep tonight. I think it I can get to a point when it's not so tender I can get some rest. If I can get some rest, and keep this amount of movement, I might be on the upswing. If my kids stop beating on me. And actually let me sleep.
Who do call for mommy abuse or neglect? (The Spa?)

Not The Way I Wanted to Spend My Evening

Spent the evening in ER.
Yup, you read that right.

Big cracked her head on a neighbor's driveway this afternoon. Nothing earth shattering, but apparently skull shattering. I'm kidding, and no I don't have a day job to quit. It wasn't a bad fall, we played it down when it happened. That should have been our first clue, because we ALWAYS think it's no big deal when it actually is a big deal. A few hours later she was throwing up and I was on the phone with the advice nurse. Now, before you get all, why were you on the phone, and not in the ER, you should know that the stomach flu has been making it's rounds through our neighborhood this week. The kids we were playing with today, in fact, had the bug earlier in the week. AND, Big has had a rotten cold for that last couple of days. It's been all nasal, and it could even be allergies, but I've been holding my breath to see if the stomach bug has made it our way. My point is that she hasn't been 100%. When she bumped her head, (she fell off the back of a kid's battery powered ATV,) she cried, we put an ice pack on it, and then she played some more with her friends. It was clear that she wasn't into playing anymore and it was that time of the afternoon anyway, so we came home. She asked if they could watch a TV show, so I put one on while we started dinner. She complained about it being hard to watch the TV. But DaddySpeak thought she was being melodramatic because of questions we'd asked about her sight after the fall. We figured she knew that it was more serious if it was hard to see, and therefore, would garner more attention. She finished her show, but didn't want to watch anything else. She'd been complaining of a headache, but wasn't specific about where it hurt. She was also complaining about a sore throat. Then she bolted for the bathroom. I wasn't convinced it was related to the fall, but I was going to error on the side of caution. I was on the phone with the advice nurse as round 2 started. At this point, she was also acting like she might have chills, didn't want to be touched, was hot, was cold, was nauseous, etc... Also, all symptoms of a stomach bug. The advice nurse sent us to ER. While waiting in the ER she started acting sleepy, not exactly despondent, but not really wanting to respond to anything, (she wanted to be left alone). She just wanted to lie down. They took us in back & let her do that. She started to doze, and I watched her carefully. (I might have put my hand on her stomach a few times to be sure she was breathing.) I still thought it might be the flu. She wasn't running a fever, in fact, she was low, 96, but if you're fighting a bug, everything she was doing was exactly what you want to do in that situation. They woke her and gave her some medication for nausea and wow! how do I get me some of that next time my kid is sick? Within about 5 minutes of taking it she was a different person. Her eyes were clear (they'd been glassy,) her color was better and she was yakking away and acting like herself. I was feeling pretty certain this was a case of the flu with bad timing, but they were doing a CT to be sure. CT was clear, (obviously, or I wouldn't be writing this right now). And, we were set to go home.

Doctor came in to confirm paperwork (I know, the doctor did it, weird, huh?) and just give us an update about the next couple days. He told us there was no bleeding around her brain, so "good news". I said, "so she's got the stomach bug that's going around?"
Him: "No! She's got an upper respiratory infection, but no stomach bug. She was absolutely sick from her head injury. She took a good hit."
And then I threw up.
OK, not really, but the seriousiness of it sort of started to sink in right then.

Really, the seriousness of it hit when I saw my baby laying on the CT table. She suddenly was so small and vulnerable. If I go the rest of my life without seeing one of my children on a CT table it will be too soon.

They want us to take it easy on foods; clear liquids tonight, BRAT in the AM to build up, just in case nausea returns. Want her to stay home from school tomorrow, but otherwise she's fine. I told her we'd have a lazy girls day round the house tomorrow and she got all excited.
If I'm feeling up to it maybe we'll go do something like a movie, or tea for lunch or a pedicure.

Somehow, a lazy girls day feels a bit more special than it did yesterday.

Four

Four years ago today, my baby was born. No matter how old she gets, she'll always be my baby. I think she knows that too. She's my snuggler, but lately she's been taking that to a new level, even for her. This week she's been wanting to curl up on the couch on me & snuggle up to watch a show or read a book. I think the realization of not being the "little kid" so much any more is starting to hit her. For the first time, I think she's realizing that being the little kid isn't always a bad thing, and maybe she wants to hold on to it just a little bit longer.

It's ironic really, Little has been in a hurry to get big since birth. There is nothing more that she wants than to keep up with her sister. In every picture I have of Little, as a baby she is looking at her sister, without fail. While five is the big milestone in which many good things happen, four is a door opener for sure in her book. She's so pleased with finally not being three anymore, you can almost see a sense of relief on her face over it. And, so now she considers herself a "big kid" and while still checking in with me, all. the. time. about how "babies can't do this thing I'm doing right now, right mama?" Her highest priority on her party day was to make sure her sister wasn't left out. We went to a Pump It Up (easiest party I have EVER done BTW!) and the whole time she was keeping tabs on her sister. She would go off and run around with her friends, but would be sure to check to see where her sister was and touch base with her. When it came time for birthday cake, she happily took her place on the "throne" to blow out her candles, but she wanted to "sit by sissy" to eat that cake. We had to scoot kids around to accommodate her. When it was time to open presents, she made sure we knew that she wanted her sister to have a crown like hers, not a problem in our house, and that she wanted "Big to open some of her presents for her, so she wouldn't feel left out." Big, the caregiver that she is, was happy to dote on her sister and provide her every wish. In the end, I don't think Big opened any gifts, but read each and every card to her sister, who hung on her every word. Now, Big wants to write the thank you cards for Little, "because sissy can't write yet." The lovefest that is going on here is almost too much. Later this week, I want to write about the girl that Little has started to become. How three was hard, as expected. How she, and we have all grown this last year, and how excited I am for four for her. But for tonight, I want to relish the memory of the last couple days. When my two girls want nothing more than to make each other happy and are doing just that.

Kicking My Butt

If most people (my village,) saw what I was just doing, I would get my butt kicked. I bet one of them would seriously consider hurting me, if someone didn't kick it. A few minutes ago you could find me on my hands and knees with a kitchen scraper & cleaning wipe, working on cleaning the grooves in our kitchen floor. I'm sure it was a stellar choice for my back. I wouldn't really know, because it was already hurting and I just "went for it" ignoring the fact that I was in pain. I know what a bad idea it is, I get it. I really do. It's just so frustrating where I'm at right now. The floor was gross, it needed to be cleaned, I had the products to do so on me, so I cleaned it. But I'm gonna regret it in about 2 minutes. I know that too.

I am doing better. Really. I'm still in a LOT of pain. ALL. THE. TIME. But, you know what? That's not new. Since the shot, there's a baseline to my pain that has improved. So, yes, I'm in pain all the time, still. But NOT AS MUCH pain, all the time. My energy level is through the roof. I should qualify that. Normally, I do something and then I have to lie or sit down for an hour. (Get the kids off to school, lay on couch for an hour.) Now, I can get the kids off to school, stop at Starbucks for coffee, start a load of laundry and maybe even make a phone call before I have to lie down. You might think those things are no big deal, but trust me, moving the laundry load can be daunting when you're exhausted and in pain.

It's called babysteps people, and boy do I know about them. Because of this new found "energy" I'm tending to overdo. I have the energy to plan, yet not to execute. Before the shot, I didn't even have the energy to plan. It's progress, but it's progress that puts me on my ass & frustrates the hell out of me. But it's something, right? And it's all I've got for right now.

Like Labor, But Without The Pesky Baby At The End

Saw my third orthopedic doctor now. Personally, providing the reason for universal health care here.
I've seen this doctor before, Dr. K administered my epidural shots during the last go round with my back. It was a good visit, surprisingly long. I say that because I was there for an hour and a half, but didn't realize it till I looked at my phone on my way out. I guess that's good. Means I got a lot of good information. Dr. K thinks I have both disc material and scar tissue giving me issues. He's covering all the bases. (Dr. H (first dr.) thinks it's disc, Dr. R (2nd dr.) thinks scar tissue.) He was disappointed that my MRI wasn't done with contrast. If it had been, we would be able to see, for sure, what was scar tissue and what was disc material. So now I'm disappointed it wasn't done with contrast too. As far as my current status, the path I'm on would be the same. If this next step, an epidural shot, isn't effective, then it would be good to know for certain what is going on in there. He explained some of my options if it's scar tissue. I learned that there are some things I can do, beside surgery, if it is scar tissue. That was nice to know, all I've heard from the other doctors is surgery. Gotta be honest, not too keen on surgery again. Wasn't exactly effective for me the first go round. Not really interested in going through all that again, for nothing. I'm crazy like that though. For now, all three orthopedic doctors agree that I should be getting an epidural shot at this point. I suppose that should be reassuring, three of them agreeing on something. At this point, I'm more or less, Whatever, insert eyeroll, about it all. Dr. K did tell me if this doesn't work for me he'll order an MRI with contrast. He also has me scheduled for a nerve test for my right leg again. He's concerned about my lack of reflex in my right foot. (It's been like that since the original injury.) If nothing else, he's thorough.

Then Dr. K goes, "So you want to do it Wednesday?"
Me, "This Wednesday?"
Dr. K, "Sure. Or next. Whenever you're ready."

He went to go check on another patient and told me he'd be right back. And I fell out of my chair. I was kind of freaked out over having it done in two days. I'll be out of commission for a day or two. It's outpatient surgery. Yeah, it's outpatient, but it's still surgery. I looked at my calendar, at first I was thinking this week wasn't good because of the girls being on Spring Break. Then I realized, that was probably better. No one would need to schlep them to school, soccer, gymnastics, art, etc.... I wouldn't be worrying about schedules being kept strait and such. My parents had told me they'd take them for the day, so I could truly get some rest. Little doesn't handle this stuff well, she'll come in my room and want to snuggle or whatever. She's making sure her mama is still going to be there for her. In the process, she tends to get me to do things, like lift her, that are big No, Nos.
I called DaddySpeak (he'll need to be there for a day or two to make sure I'm OK.) He said he'd take of the days either week, but he thought I should do it sooner than later.

Me: "Next weekend is my Aunt & Uncle's (90th) birthday party on Saturday and Little's party is on Sunday. I don't really have to do anything for either, and should be fine for both, but there is a lot going on that weekend. But this Friday is the princess birthday party Big is invited to and I really want to be able to go take pictures at it."

DS: "I'll go take pictures at the party." (I swear I could hear his eyes rolling in his head.)

Me: "It's not the same. But I should be fine." (I know he was thinking he'll kick my butt if I'm not fine, but go eff myself up to 'get the shot'. He's totally right, I would do that, but I promise I won't.)

So on Wednesday, I'm having an epidural. Wish me luck!

My Super Power

That's right, I'm a Super Hero. Who knew, right? Turns out I do something so well, it's not just something I'm good at, I'm freak'n gifted at it. (Besides having babies, which yes, I do happen to seem to be excellent at, birthing hips and all, but I digress...) Turns out I'm really SUPER at...(wait for it)...SCARRING. Yeah, you heard me.

Ok, I'll explain. Went back to the neurosurgeon on Thursday. He thinks I do NOT have a herniated/bulging disc again. He thinks I have scar tissue pushing on the nerve. Not even a lot of scar tissue. He showed me on my MRI how in one picture you can see the nerve. The next millimeter down in that disc you can't (see the nerve), and the millimeter from that one you can again. So he doesn't think it's enough material to be the disc material and is actually scar tissue. Yep, scar tissue on my sciatica nerve. I am nothing, if not peculiar. He is advising me to have an epidural (cortisone) shot (in my back) and has prescribed a drug that should dull the nerve a bit. So why does scar tissue in my disc some how imply I have a super power? Well...

When I was 3 I was run over by a truck (yes, I need to write this post, I will one of these days, I promise). I had to have tubes put into my lungs. The scars resulting from that surgery are still quite visible. I keloid scar. (Warning; the pix they show in this article, is kind of gross, I think. Not for the faint of heart. My scars, while quite visible, much smaller, not so red anymore. You can see them, but most likely won't really notice them.) Anywho, I'm 41 years old and yes, you can still see quite well the scars on my chest from this accident. The scars are 37 years old. (No, I won't make you do math on here.) People who keloid, scar on the outside instead of the inside basically. Not just ugly, this can be a problem depending on where the scar is located. When I had my first child (yes, guys and easily grossed out, you will all want to quickly depart here,) I ripped a little. My doctor gave it one quick stitch. "It's not like it needs to be pretty." Great bedside manner, no? Six weeks later, I mentioned to a few moms in my new moms group that I had never stopped bleeding after the baby, (Bye Guys!) asking how long it had been for them. Later that afternoon in the doctors office....I was informed that I had formed a keloid scar down there. Your welcome. Except that when you keloid in that area, that kind of tissue won't heal. So I got to be "cleaned up" (cut again) and cauterized with a laser. I was assured it was not common for people who had this happen, to have it happen in future pregnancies, and with my second child it did not. She also weighed a pound less, so that might have had something to do with it, you think?

When age 7, I split open my face. My mom (who also has this problem) has had some severe scarring on her face and knows first hand, how they knock keloids down; sand paper. So, she wouldn't let anyone touch me until a plastic surgeon got there. I took 40 stitches (20 in the cut, and 20 out) to close an inch long gash on my cheek. It still "bubbled" and was red, but not the way it would have. And now, unless you know to look for it, you can't tell. But, even with that many stitches, I managed to put forth a small keloid.

Trust me, I have more stories. I think I've proven my point. I scar really well. Or not, depending on your viewpoint I suppose. So, my guess, is that the scar tissue pushing on my nerve, while not necessarily a keloid, is probably more scar tissue than the average person would build. Ergo: Scarring is my Super Power. I'll be taking Super Hero names in the comments.