Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Same old song and dance, AKA—BACK at it (get it?)

Got excited didn’t you? Got you all worked up with TWO posts that didn’t consist of any whining and you thought it was over. Well, you were WRONG. I’m back and whinier then ever. I had a couple good days this weekend, but I seem to be over that and now I’m about to have a nervous breakdown. Hi, welcome to my brain! I’m so much fun!

So I realized I never gave you the official update on my visit to the orthopedic doctor, MRI results and nerve test. I officially have a herniated disk. The “good news” is that it’s considered “mild to moderate” which means no surgery at this point & we treat it with PT (and if I want to continue chiropractic). I also don’t have “permanent nerve damage”. I do still have a numb lower right calf & foot. The bad news is that this won’t “heal” for about 3 months and if it’s not improving within a month then I need to go back.

I’m exhausted.

I feel like I reached out to my doctors (shrink & OB) yesterday, but neither of them really seemed to “hear me”. They physically heard me, but upon hearing about everything I have going on (this stuff with my back and having to feed the baby every two hours) they both suggested I take some medical leave at work. But I don’t really feel like we can afford that right now. My shrink suggested I take a couple weeks vacation to try and get my back better and to a better place mentally, but I don’t really want to use my vacation like that. I’m already missing a lot of work because of all my doctor’s appointments; I think I need to hold onto it for “just in case.” I feel that if I do take a couple weeks I’ll just get a new pile of mess at work instead of at home. So I’m not so sure that trading one mess for another will help me that much. I told DS the other night that I’m at exhausted from all of this and at the end of my rope, “If one more thing gets added to my commitments I think I’ll break.” I’ve already been letting the house go; mostly the floors (and bathrooms, and vacuuming, etc...) because of the bending. I know I need to give some stuff up, but I’m not sure what else can go right now. Then in my exhaustion I overslept this AM. My mom had the nerve to let into me about it. Because you know, I’m a slacker.

I’m rereading this and thinking that maybe my doctors were right; even a week might be enough to help me get some sleep, rest my back & feel caught up and better about things. Even in writing this I can’t convey the level of despair I’m feeling right now. My depression (oh yeah, I’m dealing with that too) is definitely winning the battle right now. I’m even having trouble staying awake writing this (I won’t tell you how scary I am driving these days, lets just say stay off the South Bay freeways during commute hours on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays.) Hopefully, more later.


Laura said...

I'm so sorry you are going through all those problems. I think that trade vacations to heal a illness is not the solution, vacation is "vacation", to rest, to be with the family. I also know that taking a medical leave can also be a problem (I'm a full time worker, I know...). Try not to stress too much, do your work as you can. I know it is difficult (how I understand you!!), I'm also exhausted, fed up of work, want to stop working for a while...we have to keep going and don't let the depression take us down. Hope you get better soon - Hugs