My boobs hurt.

That got your attention now didn’t it?

Hi P0rn bloggers, you’re in a mommy blog, sorry for the confusion. Move along now, nothing to see here. Seriously, if there was something to see these days I wouldn’t have to move you along—you’d run away very quickly.

I’m still nursing BS every two hours. Talk about a time suck. (eww, no pun intended.) It’s hard to get much done with this kind of schedule and if she’s sleeping or I need to be doing something in a hurry I pump (which I just love so much! NOT.) If you did anything repetitively every 2 (or 3) hours you would hurt too, trust me. However, let me note I am not actually complaining. I know it sounds a lot like whining, but it’s not. I was one of those millions who saw the Oprah show on The Secret and I’m bought in. I didn’t say I was buying the book, I’m way too cheap for that, but I get the concept and there’s a lot of what they said that resonated with me. If they’re wrong, everyone else wins cause if nothing else you’re a happier person to be around, right? So in the spirit of The Secret, I have begun trying to approach each and every situation (even the ones that seem negative) in terms of how I am grateful for the experience. We’ll see how long I stick with this, I know, I know, being sarcastic is much more my nature then showing my gratefulness. But I’m trying.

So in terms of having to nurse my 9 month old every two hours;

• I am grateful for the time this gives us together. I know that this time is short-lived and sooner then I think she will be too busy to be bothered with nursing from Mommy. She’ll rather eat on the run (or not at all) because there are so many things she’ll need to do. Right now this time is special and she is now old enough to know that and she clings to me too.


• I am grateful to be needed by my daughter and appreciated. I am grateful that I am forced to slow down several times a day and just stare intently at the beautiful miracle I helped create.
  
• I am grateful that I know that in the very near future I will yearn to be sore like this again, for I have been so very blessed with a healthy, loving little girl and I am blessed in my knowledge and appreciation of this as well.

Sisters

I always wished I had a sister.

If you have a sister you are probably rolling your eyes right now, but I had a brother. He’s great & everything, but it would’ve been cool to have someone to talk to about boys and makeup and fight over clothes with and stuff like that. We were friends, but he was into “boy things” and I was into “girl things”. It’s not the same.

I am so very glad that we have given this gift to our girls and that they are inclined (so far) to be friends. I think (hope) that the tone that has been set so far is the one that will continue for the rest of their lives. They adore each other. If I walk into TS’s room in the AM without BS the first thing out of her mouth will be, “Where’s BS?” The second TS walks in the room BS starts smiling clapping and reaching for her. I know it won’t always be sunshine and roses for their relationship but right now it’s one big love fest and I am so very glad to be able to witness this. Happy Love Thursday.

I'm Baaaack! (In more ways then one.)

Hi Internet,

Are you mad? I know it’s been a week, I’m sorry. Where does the time go?

If I had written last weekend I would’ve told you all about celebrating DS’ b-day & how I’m feeling a lot better. How my back actually STOPS hurting sometimes now. This weekend I would’ve told you how I was able to walk around the block one day and pick up the house and normal stuff like that. Instead of laying around on the couch hurting, grumpy and groggy. But I was so busy living life (now that I could again) that I was having a hard time find the time to write to you. But then Monday came and everything changed. One other thing about last week, my PT was sick all week. On Friday when she called to cancel she scheduled me for an appointment with the massage therapist in her office on Monday and so I could get something done. Considering how good I’d been feeling I was really looking forward to it. Normally my PT appointments consist of massage & ultrasound, but this time it would be all about feeling good, not just making it better.

The massage itself was fine, not the best I’ve ever had, not the worst either, but by that afternoon I felt like I had either over worked out or been beat up. Yesterday I spent most of the day on the couch, exhausted and back in major pain. I couldn’t take anything cause I was home alone with the girls, but I laid on the couch in the playroom so I could do minimal amount of moving and still watch them (and try my best to stay awake, I only dozed a couple of times, I think). I thought the pain meds were what made me so groggy, but apparently it’s the pain itself. I suppose because it exhausts me. So this AM I slept through my alarm, which turns itself off after an hour of snooze. I’ve been trying to call my PT all day (office isn’t answering at all) to see if they can fit me in today to try and get some relief, but no luck.

The irony of all of this is that I was feeling so much BETTER all weekend. I was able to do all kinds of things (picking up around the house and even taking a walk around the block) without hurting. In the evenings I start to get sore, but would take a pain pill early evening and then not need one to sleep. Right now I can’t find a position in which I’m not hurting; standing, sitting, anything…BAH!

So that’s my story, same one you’ve been hearing for a couple months. Getting boring I’m sure.

On a more up note:
BS is full on cruising around the living room now. (Not crawling yet, but actually acting like she might do that sometime too.) She can actually stand without holding anything, but when she realizes she’s let go she starts to fall. She said something strikingly like Mommy the other day, but I was the only one home, so I’m not sure it counts. She also “mumbled” I love you after a doll said it the yesterday. DS was home when she did it, so I had a witness. Last night at dinner she threw a tantrum because she wanted "O's instead of dinner. I'm not kidding. Be afraid, be very afraid: she’s smart, coordinated, beautiful and headstrong. All of this only at 9 months, what the heck is she going to be like by 2 years? 13 years? Boy do we have our hands full.

TS is taking ballet & tap class & seems to really like it. She’s got a bunch of imaginary friends and two of her real friends (twins) from school came over for a playdate on Friday. They were super cute together and it was fun to watch her play with friends she’s made on her own (not because Mommy likes their mommy, although now that I’ve met her I do like her—bonus).

Alright I need to get back to work cause they’ve actually got me doing work here now. They actually expect me to produce now! The nerve.

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

Love Thursday

This is what all my stress is over....

I'll bet you understand now

And a few others, just cause I love these so much

Same old song and dance, AKA—BACK at it (get it?)

Got excited didn’t you? Got you all worked up with TWO posts that didn’t consist of any whining and you thought it was over. Well, you were WRONG. I’m back and whinier then ever. I had a couple good days this weekend, but I seem to be over that and now I’m about to have a nervous breakdown. Hi, welcome to my brain! I’m so much fun!

So I realized I never gave you the official update on my visit to the orthopedic doctor, MRI results and nerve test. I officially have a herniated disk. The “good news” is that it’s considered “mild to moderate” which means no surgery at this point & we treat it with PT (and if I want to continue chiropractic). I also don’t have “permanent nerve damage”. I do still have a numb lower right calf & foot. The bad news is that this won’t “heal” for about 3 months and if it’s not improving within a month then I need to go back.

I’m exhausted.

I feel like I reached out to my doctors (shrink & OB) yesterday, but neither of them really seemed to “hear me”. They physically heard me, but upon hearing about everything I have going on (this stuff with my back and having to feed the baby every two hours) they both suggested I take some medical leave at work. But I don’t really feel like we can afford that right now. My shrink suggested I take a couple weeks vacation to try and get my back better and to a better place mentally, but I don’t really want to use my vacation like that. I’m already missing a lot of work because of all my doctor’s appointments; I think I need to hold onto it for “just in case.” I feel that if I do take a couple weeks I’ll just get a new pile of mess at work instead of at home. So I’m not so sure that trading one mess for another will help me that much. I told DS the other night that I’m at exhausted from all of this and at the end of my rope, “If one more thing gets added to my commitments I think I’ll break.” I’ve already been letting the house go; mostly the floors (and bathrooms, and vacuuming, etc...) because of the bending. I know I need to give some stuff up, but I’m not sure what else can go right now. Then in my exhaustion I overslept this AM. My mom had the nerve to let into me about it. Because you know, I’m a slacker.

I’m rereading this and thinking that maybe my doctors were right; even a week might be enough to help me get some sleep, rest my back & feel caught up and better about things. Even in writing this I can’t convey the level of despair I’m feeling right now. My depression (oh yeah, I’m dealing with that too) is definitely winning the battle right now. I’m even having trouble staying awake writing this (I won’t tell you how scary I am driving these days, lets just say stay off the South Bay freeways during commute hours on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays.) Hopefully, more later.

Weekend Funny

OHMYF'INGGAWD!!! This is too funny for words. So if you aren't already reading Miss Doxie you must go over and check her out. This chick is always good for a laugh, but her latest post; the photos & video take the freaking cake!!!

This is so what I want to do for my b-day next year--a Viking funeral, what a fine way to start the the last year of my 30's. Read, watch & tell me what you think.