Sunday, December 26, 2010

Honest to a Fault

While I admitted in my last post, I was having a tantrum & being a spoiled brat, it doesn't make me feel any better about it when I read it. The problem is that I need to write on a regular basis to prevent my little meltdowns. I haven't been doing that and the result, she wasn't pretty.

What happend was that during Thanksgiving I was outed. Not in a, "my mom friended me on Facebook" way. (She did that a long time ago.) More in a, "someone read my Twitter stream history and then reported one of my meltdowns to the poor victim with whom I was laying blame," kind of way. That person, (the victim,) apologized to me for what happened. It doesn't really matter what it was, because 1) it wasn't really something that was a big deal and 2) it isn't that important to this conversation. What does matter is that I looked and felt like numero uno assh***. The person who read the message had taken a 140 character moment of frustration and now turned it into so much more. While what I wrote might have been true, it wasn't something I would've said to the other person, as it would have served no purpose other than to be hurtful. In having it said to that person after the fact, I'm sure that person's feelings were quite hurt. At the time, I wasn't even sure what they were talking about, that's how quick of a vent that stupid message was. And, to be honest, I was just as pissed at myself as the other person, thus the venting. I'm actually annoyed with the person who found it and told them. Maybe that's me still being an ass, but if they had thought about it they would have realized that repeating it to them was nothing but mean. If they had issue with me, then the reader should have come to me and said something.

Given the circumstances would I have written that again? At first I would have told you, "No." I have felt awful that I hurt that person's feelings. It was me spouting off to my friends. It wasn't meant to be repeated. I'm sure we've all done that, and quite a few of us have been caught from time to time. I feel like the person who repeated it was somewhat mean spirited in doing so. Yes, I said it, and I will own that I said it. But, when it was repeated, it was taken out of context which made it come across as much bigger deal. That being said, I've been a bit torn about my writing, and how it affects those around me. My reaction has been to stay away because I didn't want to hurt anyone else. In hindsight, I think that was a mistake.

I started writing this blog for me. It's supposed to be a record of who I am in these days when my children are small. This is in hope that it will give them some insight into decisions I've made during this time. It's also a place for me to air my grievances, (vent my frustrations,) when I need to. I need to have a forum like this to keep me sane. This last month, ending with the accumulation of my meltdown is a prime example of why I need to write. So, while I agree with you if you find me a bit of a spoiled brat, it doesn't matter. This brat needs to be a brat on here, so I can carry on in the real world.