Wednesday, August 22, 2012

My Little Hexagon

You must laugh when you see that I've posted.  Knowing, there will be an onslaught of excuses related to my absence.  And, while they're good ones, they are still, just excuses.  We're on the very end of summer vacation.  I'll do my best to be short in bringing you up to date.

Big's issues have been in a holding pattern.  I'm not sure she was completely truthful about no longer pulling out her eyebrow/lashes, at the beginning.  But they do seem to be growing back nicely now.  She's had the opportunity to have several play dates with friends this summer.  I think that's helped a lot.  We had a few nights last week, in which it was just her and I.  The first night we went to dinner, sushi, her choice.  And dessert, gelato.  It was nice for both of us to just hang out and be mellow.  I know she loved that the whole night was about her.  I told her she could invite a friend to sleep over the next night.  They jumped on the trampoline w/the sprinklers on them, put together a craft, (related to horses, of course) and then made pizzas for dinner.  I told them as long as they kept it to a low hum they could stay up as late as they wanted, (11-ish).  It was way more relaxing than I can relate.  She is still seeing therapist.  Just this week, her therapist indicated that maybe she didn't need to come every week, "she's doing so well."  I asked to keep things, "as is," at least until October.  There is so much that can change once school starts.  I really, really hope at least one of the friends we've been seeing all summer is in her class.  (Say a little prayer for us both, ok?)

I guess Little is also in a holding pattern.  Summer has been hard.  Her friend base was messed up by the end of last year. (Long story.) She has been dying for her turn at play dates and sleep overs, but her friends just haven't been as available.  Daddy and I are doing our best to create lots of "special Little time."  My fingers are crossed for her this school year too.  I really, really hope there is a girl in her class this year that she can really bond with.  Someone, who is sweet, isn't a bully or a mean girl, and doesn't idolize her older sister when she comes over to play.  (I know, it's a tall order.)  As far as Little's "learning issues" go.  It's hard to say.  The distraction thing is huge for her.  We read and do homework every day.  If there's no real distractions, she's great.  I feel really confident about her doing well this year.  BUT, if there are distractions? Forget it.  Her ability to ignore, is so poor.  I just don't see how she can learn anything in a classroom with other kids in it.  I'm so worried about her

On top of everything else, Daddy went out of town last week.  Her ability to hold it together was awful.  It was all those stories about her "spirited personality" rolled up together and put on steroids.  I swear I have PTSD from it.  I think Daddy thought I was going to drop them off at home, (from the airport,) and keep driving.  I can't say it didn't cross my mind.  I'm sure it was because Daddy was away, and school is about to start.  She's overwhelmed and doesn't know how to burn it off constructively.  In the meantime, we all suffer with her.

I'm not really doing all that well.  I have a laundry list of things I'm unhappy about, but what it comes down to is, that  I'm really afraid I'm not doing right by either of my kids.  Most especially Little.  I feel like there's more than just the sensory thing going on there.  Last week, she would get so mad and frustrated.  At one point, she started to swing to him me.  She realized what she was doing & turned herself so she hit the couch instead of me.  But when she starts having impulse control issues, it makes me think there's more going on.  I'm at a loss of what to do to help her.  If I am doing the right things to help her, it sure doesn't feel like it.  I'm overwhelmed with worry and emotion and I feel like I have no where to vent.  She's not bad enough to qualify for state help, but not good enough so that she keeps up on her own.  She's not a square peg or a round hole.  She's a hexagon in a rectangle world.  :-(