Thursday, February 04, 2016

Well Hello There....

I've been thinking about writing again.  I just read my last post. February two years ago & I had an almost identical conversation with my shrink today. And to be honest, it's almost more than I can take.  The reason I have for writing isn't about me or my kids.  But reading that post & realizing the spiral I've been on for YEARS now? I just want to make it all go away. You know.

I'm not sleeping.  Surprise!
Little is still dealing w/the same mean girls. Surprise!
I'm back to being depressed. Surprise.

I just learned that a fellow mom blogger has been diagnosed w/stage IV lung cancer.  It's moved into other parts of her body already.  She will not recover from this, she can manage it.  I'm not good friends with this blogger.  I'm not even FaceBook (FB) friends with her.  I probably read some of her stuff back in the day when I was at my blogging high point.  (i.e.-had a lot of readers  And, apparently, enough time to read blogs.  I really had no idea how busy this mom gig could get, damn!)  It just hit me so hard.  She's a single mom.  Dad is around.  But she can't work now & a mutual  (mom blogger,) friend is organizing fundraisers for her. I'm not naming her because 1) it's not my story and 2) her kids don't know yet.

Her kids.

Her story, right now, is every, single mothers' worst nightmare.

I'm sure it's because of my lack of sleep & depression (& a medical procedure I had this week, that I'm still "recovering" from,) so I'm feeling sensitive to this type of thing in particular.  I just can't right now.  All I know is that I'm hurting for her.  And for her kids.  I feel guilt for bitching when nothing I'm dealing with is terminal.  For having the audacity to complain at all about my health.  No, I don't look sick.  (And FAT or overweight doesn't look sick.  Regardless if it is the way you happen to look sick.  Obviously, this is still how I look sick & it bothers me a lot, still.)  No, I'm NOT going to die from this stuff, (at least not as a direct result, in the near future.)

How dare I complain about the way in which I get to participate in my kids' lives.
How dare I bitch about money issues or lack of energy or sleep or my weight.
All of those things mean I'm still here & I'm still participating.  For better or worse, my kids know I'm here & doing my best to raise them into the best adults I know how to help them be.

I'm sorry.  Do me a favor.  Pray for her.  And for all the other friends I have in my feed who are dealing with cancer.  Pray for their families.  And pray that they can find peace.   Isn't that what we all really need, peace?