VACATIONING W/THE MOUSE

So Disneyland was everything I knew it would be: exciting, fun, crowded, stressful (family), exhausting, but mostly it was truly magical. There was more then one moment during last week when I wondered (again) why on earth I think these family vacations are a good idea. My mom, while mostly good intentioned, can be pretty disrespectful toward me, my husband isn’t always on great terms with the rest of my family, my toddler is, well she’s 3, isn’t that enough? I’m going to tell you about our last day & then you’ll know why it really was all worth it.

Random musings about trip: TS is 40” tall (who knew) and could pretty much ride anything she wanted and did. She is an E Ticket girl! Note roller coaster photos. We saw & talked to Terri Hatcher. She was at the park w/her daughter. Her daughter liked one of S’s toys and my mom had a conversation with her about said toy & where to find it. This was much less exciting then meeting the Princesses, the real stars, as you’ll read.

Disney somehow managed to make us feel like the park was catering specifically to us. I have to mention that ALL of the characters were unbelievable in their attention to our child. Even with long lines for the popular ones they took the time to have a conversation with them, big hugs, autographs and of course, pictures. On the drive down TS kept telling me she wanted to meet Goofy. (Recent focus of Mickey Mouse Club House episode.) We were having breakfast w/him & characters the next day so I knew we’d see him, but told her probably not till tomorrow. Wouldn’t you know it; we walk into the hotel lobby & guess who greets us? I mean I could’ve called ahead to ask for that & wouldn’t have gotten it. She was super excited & it was a great omen for our trip. This was the first time I got all teary.

We had a similar experience on day 3 when we went to see Pooh. I knew Pooh would be out (he’s the Mickey of Critter Country) so I told her we’d be seeing him and she asks for Eeyore. Who the heck asks for Eeyore??? I told her I didn’t know, but as we were in line to meet Pooh, Eeyore & Tigger come out and we had enough adults to double up in lines so we got done w/Pooh and went to meet the other two without much time in line at all. Amazing.

We did do lunch w/the princesses on Friday and it too was amazing, (note my overuse of the word amazing) & exhausting for us adults who were trying to gulp down our lunches while grabbing cameras & autograph books for the next one coming in. TS was awestruck & it was worth it. BUT Sleeping Beauty wasn’t there. Go Figure. So we kept trying to meet her in the park. Every time we’d get to where she comes out we’d find the line to already be closed off. Jeez, talk about a popular girl. So on the last day our focus was just to get this girl’s autograph, damit! We weren’t leaving till we got it. I had a good idea of her schedule (top of the hour) and location (right side of the castle) so we were on it. We got to the park & got in line. She’d just come out, whew, cool we will get this done & actually get to ride some rides before heading home. While we’re standing there Cinderella comes out, so TS goes running over to where she is, along with a dozen or so other girls & parents. Cinderella promptly grabs the hands of two girls dressed as Cinderella and Snow White & then tells Snow White to take TS’s hand and off they go across the castle area. I shout to DS to stay in line, grab the camera & we’re off, snapping pictures as we go! (Talk about an entourage!) I totally felt like the paparazzi or something. By the time we get to their location, Snow White has left & Cinderella (the character, not the other little girl) is now holding TS’s hand. The mother of the little girl dressed as Cinderella told her daughter to let TS go first so (big) Cinderella sits down and picks up TS, puts her in her lap and has a huge conversation with her. I. AM. DYING. I swear I practically peed myself. We get done with that & head back over to DS who has one person in front of him, so once again, very little waiting for TS, which means everyone is happy. She has a big conversation w/Sleeping Beauty as the line behind us is very short and Sleeping Beauty (Schlepping Booty as she is referred to in our house) feels she can take her time. How lucky are we???? We finish up with her and walk off to Snow White’s wishing well. I’m holding TS up to look in & we’re listening to the recording of Snow White signing, when Snow White herself walks up behind us and starts talking to TS. (I swear I practically crapped myself.) More hugs & pictures. We get done there and walk into Fantasyland and I burst into tears. Shit, I’m tearing up right now writing about it. I know I’m a complete dork, but I personally have vivid memories as a 3YO, and while TS may not really remember this, she just might. It turned out to be such an event in itself. I am so very glad to have gotten the opportunity to experience this through her eyes.

So like I said, it was a magical time.

5 Months

Yes, we're back from vacation. Since Sunday in fact, but this week has been crazy frantic: getting home from vacation, trying to get house in order, deal w/BS's current bout of reflux (not good), get ready To. Go. Back. To. Work. Next. Week. OMG! I know. Next Week. Sob. Get DS ready for his conference next week. Oh, and BS has decided that she's eating at 4 AM again now, so I'm doing all of this with no sleep. FUN!

Disneyland was amazing and fun, and everything I'd hoped it would be for TS. I'm dying to tell you all about it, but for now I need to post that BS is FIVE MONTHS today (well, yesterday cause I didn't get on here till now, midnight, but hey it's the thought, right?) To celebrate this she rolled over on the floor today (She's been rolling over, but only on soft high surfaces like bed. You know, just to freak her mother out.) I need to get to bed, but I must say, once again, she's amazing and fun and basically (except for this 4 AM thing) really easy going. 

Mouse House

So MamaSpeak, now that you’ve spent most of the night up w/a barfing baby what are you going to do?

I AM GOING TO DISNEYLAND!!!
I’ve always wanted to do that.

I would rather the thing I just finished not be most of a night (in which I should’ve been sleeping) with a barfing baby. Apparently, BabySpeak does not tolerate formula so hot any more. Poor thing has been really sick, she doesn’t even cry she just sits there as it comes up cause she’s so tired from it. Needless she’s sleeping in her bouncy chair tonight; i.e. –upright.

So we’re off to the Mouse House & to see the Fab Four (Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Belle & Snow White, of course. Duh!)

Be back in a few days, doubt if I’ll be blogging during this time (my mom might figure out my blog URL & then I’d be screwed.) So everyone get into the suitcase we’re leaving at 6AM sharp! 

Rock On

Guess what I did today?

I may have mentioned that my hubby works for a large biotech company? A very successful, large biotech? Well they celebrated their 30th anniversary today and hosted a company party. It was for employees and one adult guest (ok, you could bring kids between 10-21), lots of food, ice cream, BEER, drinks, (yes, all free,) etc…and the entertainment? Oh, the entertainment was the Foo Fighters, Bob Dylan, THE BLACK EYED PEAS and The Eagles. (I know you're impressed because that lineup pretty much covers most musical tastes. So while BEP might not mean much to you, I'll bet you're drooling over Dylan, or not.)

Um, yeah, my company let us host a potluck last Christmas, but only during our lunch break.

It’s good to be King. (And not so bad to be married to him either.)

Love

Scene: Kitchen table this AM. TS has just finished her pancakes, BS is sitting in my lap & I’m drinking my mocha.


TS: Getting up from her chair & coming over to me, eye level w/BS in my lap. Mama I love BS.

MS: BS loves you too. BS beams at TS (as usual).

TS: Hugging BS. She loves me too!
BS wraps her little arms around her sister’s neck & hugs back. Gawd, could you cry or what?

MS: I told you.

And I believe she truly does. Just wait till she starts crawling & gets into your Barbie’s honey.

Weekly Ramblings

Things I would’ve written about this week if I hadn’t been so damn tired:














BS has the reflux again. Bad. It’s been getting worse, but I kept thinking it would get better (I’ve been told it starts to end about 3-4 months—filthy liars!) She stopped sleeping though the night last Thursday because of it. Last night, instead of waking up in the middle of the night she just stayed up late unhappy (til midnight) and then got up at FIVE FUCKING AM!!! I know most parents of a 4 month old would be doing cartwheels over 5 strait hours of sleep. But my child has been doing stints of 10+ until that and I would very much like her to go back to that please. We finally started her on reflux meds 2 days ago. Already her spitting up (which also has been getting progressively worse) has slowed way down. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

BS had her 4 month appointment. She’s 50% in length (24”) and 10% (almost) in weight (11 lbs 15 oz.) She’s petite. We saw some friends this week who have a baby exactly two months younger and they’re the same size! After that, I was little nervous the doctor was going to get on me about her size, (mom guilt) but not at all. Whew! They suggested that the reflux issues might have to do with her intake of food being more, but her stomach not being stretched out yet, if she prone to it coming up anyway, then this will just contribute.

BS also started “solid food” (i.e.—very soupy rice cereal) this week. She’s so ready to eat its kind of funny; she does the thing where she opens her mouth when you’re opening yours to put food in. She’s so tiny; it’s like dude I so wouldn’t give this to you anyway! Dr suggested we stick w/rice cereal until reflux is fully under control so as not to make it worse w/acid from food.

TS is doing great in her new school. I get notes from the teacher about how she’s just fallen right in w/the class, she’s “super-polite, extremely good at sharing, taking turns and following directions. They just love having her there.” I’m really proud of her. Of course, she makes me feel like crap cause every time I pick her up and ask her about her day she tells me “I didn’t play with S, he isn’t there”. S is her best buddy from her old school. Say it with me: Mom Guilt. (I know, I know, she’ll be fine.)








BS is being baptized the first weekend of October and my mother is driving me nuts over it. She calls me like 3x a day (at least) over it. She’s sure I won’t send out the invites correctly, or clean up my house or order the wrong food... I don’t know why she thinks it’s ok to say the things she says, (cause they're rude at best) but she does. I’m trying to just flow with it and ignore her, I have bigger fish to fry (like the fact that I will be starting back to work that week, DS will be away all week at a conference and the outlaws will be staying with us—each of those things on their own frag me out, so OHMYGOD!!!) It’s definitely more her thing then mine and she’s just excited right? But SIL pointed out that she tends to get her way on this stuff because that’s what we all do; we let her roll over us because we get tired of hearing it. (Just like my MIL!!!) So true, I’m sure I’ll tell her off in the next couple days and you’ll get to hear about it.

DS has some really exciting stuff going on at work. It's super great for him, tons of visablity and a really big deal (I think) but it also means he's been really busy.

I start work in like 2 weeks and I’m Freaking. The. F. Out. over it. I don't want to talk about it. But we will. Later. (Trust me it’s probably all we’ll be talking about soon.)

I’m going to Disneyland in FIVE days! Yeah

I’m going to bed now.

Baking w/the Toddler Set

Baked cupcakes the other afternoon w/TS, she’s quite the little helper and I let her like the mixer blades after we’re done. However, now that she knows the drill she has trouble waiting until we’re done and want to start said licking of utensils during the process of making them. As my SIL likes to say, "A little love and snot in every bite." Anyway, I told TS for like the third time not the lick the spatula, etc…as I was spooning mix into the muffin tins and she says very loudly w/the windows open:
(remember my daughter goes to speech therapy)

But Mommy I want to lick your (s)poon.

DS on the floor laughing.

Abigail Medina

When I first signed up to write this my thought was that I would track down some family members and ask them to tell me about Abby. What she was like, what her day was like, who she was to them, etc…My goal was to write a tribute detailing the life of Abby, there is so much focus on how all of these people died, but really what’s more important is to remember how they lived. I’m afraid I haven’t had much luck in locating contact information for her family. I did find this, which was written by her husband (I think sometime in 2002). So I know that she was a daughter, sister, aunt, wife and mother. I know she was a Christian, and it seems that she had strong beliefs (she taught Sunday school to the preschoolers). I know that her family has found comfort in knowing that “She can no longer feel pain, and she is worshipping at the feet of her just and powerful God.” Which I think is actually a lot to know.

I’m not much of a sleuth, but then I haven’t been able to dedicate the time required to be honest. Since Abby was a mom I think she’d understand. I have much in common with her. I am the mom of two daughters. My girls are still very young (3 years & 4 months) but from the comments I’ve been able to find on some existing tribute sites I know that Abby was close to her daughters. They’re in their mid-twenties now (they were 14 & 17 in 2001). I am sure they miss her greatly. Wow is that the understatement of the year. I know that for me my biggest fear in life is that I will die too soon. What’s “too soon”? That I’ll miss some of my children’s life. I know that I will miss part of it, but that’s (supposed to be) so very far away. I want to see them go through their school years, and graduate from college. I want to see them get married and have children. I want to meet my grandchildren. I want to watch my daughters become mothers. I want to watch my children go through their successes and failures in life and be better people for it. And I want to be there to help them along and hopefully help them learn how to be happy in life. I think this is the wish of all moms. Abby missed some of that and it’s not fair. It’s not fair to her and it’s not fair to her daughters (or her husband, brothers, sisters, parents…she had a big family). I know, “life’s not fair”. But that doesn’t mean her life being cut short isn’t incredibly sad. I could write this tribute and talk about the events of 9/11 and how the world has changed, but Abby (and most of the others who died that day) were not aware of the why or even the how the world was changing at that moment. Think about it, none of us really were.

What I think is important is that we give a thought to those who were lost and how very much we miss them in our lives now. I believe they know we’re thinking of them and hopefully Abby is smiling knowing that even though I never met her, she has touched my life in a small way and that today along with many others, I’m thinking of her.

Upcoming Memorials

Remember I mentioned the 9/11 memorials coming up?

You should check this out. It's a cool blog idea beside the fact of how cool it is that these kids are taking part in the memorial.

Weekend Update

DS has a big presentation tomorrow and has commandeered the computer for the last week. No weekend off over here folks. He worked all weekend (Saturday from home) and I continued to coral kids. I did get an hour reprieve to run to the grocery store alone on Saturday. Wohoo! Living on the edge I tell you. So all of that means no posting for me and I’m ridiculously behind in my blog reading, so this is going to be short. I have my priorities you know.

TS starts her new school tomorrow and I’m nervous for her. I’m sure it will be fine, but she was so happy at her old school and I’m feeling major guilt over changing her. Will keep you posted on how it goes.

DS just came downstairs, he’d already headed up to bed (I’m not far behind) and taps me on the shoulder (I'm in the process of typing this):

MS: You need back on here?

DS: No, check it out (points to his face)

MS: What?

He takes my hand & runs it on his cheek

MS: You shaved? Nice (uh, ok, you shave all the time)

DS: I shaved w/5 MF’ing blades is what I’m talking about (cracks up)

He got some free razor in the mail the other day.

MS: So what, did you take a few layers of skin off too? You are a dork.

But I do have to say, it was smooth as a baby’s butt (and I know baby’s butts these days.)

2,996 Tribute

Have you heard of this? It’s about the victims of 9/11. I read about it on another bloggers page and decided to sign up. I was assigned Abigail Cales Medina. I’m finding that there is lots of information about her death (lots and lots of lists of the victims out there), but, sadly, not tons written about her life. I am getting a sense of her through comments people have written on some of these tribute pages, so at worst, I’ll be able to gleen from those. My hope is that maybe by listing her name on here now someone in her family may google her name and see this and help provide me with the information I seek. If you knew her please email me at mommyspeakATyahoo.com I want to know more about her so hopefully when I post my tribute in a couple weeks it will be an inkling of what she deserved.

On the topic of 9/11, this is something I have a very, very, very hard time discussing. I’ve mentioned before that the event basically helped to put me into a full depressive episode. I try not to think about it too much, it brings back all those feelings and honestly feeling nothing is better then feeling like that. If I had lost someone close to me in the attacks I’m not sure I’d ever be able to really move on. On this five-year anniversary I thought maybe I could do something positive to help myself (and maybe a few others) start to heal and this seemed like a good start. You should consider doing something similar (last I checked there were still about 400 names left.)

I saw something on a talk show the other day, it was two moms who had lost their sons, their circumstances aren’t important to this post, but their resolve is. One said to the other, “It will never be OK, but it will be alright.”

How very much I want to believe that.

End of Days

I know, another post. In less then 24 hours. Yes, hell may just have frozen over. OR….

Or my outlaws may be vistiting and I may be going batshit crazy.
Probably the later.

We went to dinner tonight and my 3YO is happily coloring her child’s menu. She finishes coloring one picture on it and holds it up for all to see.

MS: “Oh, TS you color so well!
DS: “Great job!”
Grandmother: Well now you need another one to color.

And of course, TS suddenly realizes why, yes she does need another menu to color. Right now. And if she doesn’t get one, right. the. F. now. She may just f’ing implode.
Grandmother smiles at TS, sips her water and happily watches her have a complete meltdown.
I think she's smiling because she knows I am ready to crawl under the f'ing table.

I just love it when they come to visit.

One of those days…

I’m having one of those days where I’m trying to get things accomplished, but not having a lot of luck. Went by Goodwill dropped off 4 bags of stuff, but they wouldn’t take my old stroller. Went to Micheal’s to get some plate hangers, got those, but they had some of these groovy organizer bags back in. I previously bought one in black and haven’t used it cause I’m hoping they’ll get more in pink (God they are cute.) The store I went to this AM had some in blue, so decided that even though I’d completed my mission at Micheal’s I must go to another to see if they had anymore. So not really completed. Went by what will be TS’s (and BS’s) new preschool/daycare to drop off deposits, they’re closed for in-service. Bah. Went by second Micheal’s, no luck on the bag. Went by Tiny Tots cause one of the girls in the new mom’s group had one of these, are they not adorable???? I got a knock-off from Target for $15 but wanted to see what they cost & if they had anything similar in pink. Even if they did have anything similar they were $50!!!! OMG! So no go on that. Got home & had a call from the church about BS’s baptisim and to “come on over to fill out paperwork”. Damn, I was just by there. I’ll go after I eat lunch, mop the floor & walk the dogs. Ok, that doesn’t sound like it’s all going to happen does it? Well I’m going to eat & I’m going to mop, so maybe I can get TS & then walk the dogs. Right…

Dog Days of Summer

Well here’s a change of pace; something positive. Last week Mowry started jumping the fence again. (Obviously, this isn't the positive part.) We have no idea what was setting him off. In the past the blowers, lawnmowers, etc…have been known to freak him out enough to get him up and over the fence. While he still doesn’t like them AT ALL, he hasn’t gotten upset over them like that since around the time we moved in (last November). The other morning he was barking like crazy. This is really unusual because he wears an electric bark collar (part of his anxiety is that he’ll bark excessively, mostly when we aren’t home. Really goes over great with the neighbors. Makes us very popular.) Anyway, I didn’t think it was him at first because the collar works so well that he won’t bark unless he has a really good reason. When I realized it was him I walked into the backyard & could hear him, but couldn’t find him. I thought maybe he gotten stuck under our deck or something. Then I realized he was in the next-door neighbor’s yard! I walked out front to get him out and saw “M” the neighbor who lives on the other side of us. She proceeded to tell me he’d been out front earlier, but when she tried to approach him he’d run away. Just then he jumped the fence & joined us. Jeez. I put him back in the yard & about two minutes later lots of commotion. He had just jumped the gate into our side yard (supposed to be our dog run, but he kept jumping out of it.) As I turned the corner to the gate more commotion, I got to watch him jump onto our garbage cans & into the neighbors yard again. Jesus Dog! WTH is wrong with you? I still have no idea what was setting him off. I went out front and he promptly jumped their fence to the front yard again. This time I tied him to a lead in our yard (I hate doing that). After a couple hours I let him off & he seemed to have calmed down. A few days later (gardener day) he got out, but was nowhere to be found. I had BS napping & TS with me, so I couldn’t go looking for him. It was just about the time DS got home, so he walked out the door to look for him & Mowry came walking right up to him. Little turd was probably hanging out in the neighbor’s bushes watching while I’m calling for him in the front yard.

So here's the good news part; I walked him this weekend. We’ve become huge fans of The Dog Whisperer and have utilized many of his techniques with some success; however the biggest thing this dog needs is to be exercised. He’s a high-energy dog and tiring him out would go a long way toward lessening his anxiety level (according to what Cesar Milan teaches & I’m a believer, especially after today). I had great intentions with all the exercise I was going to get these dogs while on maternity leave. We were all going to get into great shape together this summer. Riiiight. I wasn’t comfortable walking Mowry by myself, much less w/another dog (Merit, who is a really shit on lead & a huge part of the problem), a baby in the snuggli and a toddler in the jogging stroller. But Cesar (we’re on a first name basis you know) has this technique with the way you put the collar/leash on them that puts them in the right frame of mind (it forces them into the accepting you as Alpha, this stance puts them into the zone or something). I wasn’t really convinced it would work all that well to be honest but hadn’t a free moment when DS was home so I could try it out. This morning the free moment finally happened. I took him out & walked him for 10 minutes with no incident. He was excellent! He was one of those dogs with a loose leash! He healed, he stopped, he slowed, and he sped up all just by my change of pace, no need for verbal commands even! It was amazing. Who are you and what did you do with my dog? I walked back home picked up Merit & walked her around the block. She too got it right away. And she’s a tougher case; more years of bad behavior on lead (she pulls like crazy till we would end up letting her off. The irony; she’s great off lead, but a turd on lead. Who’s in charge here, huh?) So I circled the block with her & then picked him back up. They were awesome! We even had a squirrel in the path & a cat, which would’ve meant lots of pulling in the past. Not so this time, a quick correction from me and they continued on, no pulling, no problem. Back around the block to pick up the jogging stroller. Once more around the block with both dogs & (empty) jogging stroller. I’ll need to practice the maneuvering of a dog in each hand while pushing the stroller, but we did it! I can’t wait to do it again tomorrow. It was awesome, why did I wait so long to try it? They were awesome. I was so proud of them. I was so proud of me.
Hopefully it wasn’t a fluke.

Mudder F-er (say it outloud)

Here's my bitchfest for the day:

I’m having a rough go of it today. Not really sure why, like I said before I think I might be having a good case of “The Blues”. What I do know is that my mom is putting undue pressure on me over nothing. This is something she’s really good at. At lunch today I was saying that we were planning on going to the SF Zoo w/the outlaws when they come next week and she made a face. So I said, “What?” And she’s all, “You always do stuff like that with them.”

WTF????

What have we done with them? They never want to DO anything. They come and sit around our house and drive me nuts getting into our business, so I try to find things for us all to do. When I make suggestions I get shot down 9 times out of 10. (I think it’s mostly cause they don’t want to spend the money on things, but honestly I’m not sure, it seems like they just never want to leave the house mostly. Of course, then they complain about being bored….oh the fun never ends around here, let me tell you. But that’s fodder for another post.) Know what we’ve done with them? We went to Happy Hollow. One time. That’s it. Yup, I know, seriously unfair to my parents who see the kids like Every. Other. Damn. Day. CHEEE-RIST my mother can drive me nuts sometimes. She’s trying to play the martyr, I’m not sure what her real issue is over right now, but it really, really pisses me off.

Here’s the other vent I have over her; I’m in the process of finding at new daycare/preschool for TS (you know, in my free time). I’ve narrowed it down to two in fact. The reason I’m looking to move TS (from the school she truly loves) is because her current school doesn’t take them younger then 18 months. My folks are big on traveling these days so I need a back up for BS when they go away. (My parents will be watching her & TS will go to daycare.) I don’ t want to take the girls to two separate places and changing TS while I’m on maternity leave seems like a good time to do it. If I put TS in a “real preschool” (Half days, 2x a week,) then I’ll be scrambling for back up for both girls when my folks travel and I’ll be leaving work in the middle of the day to take TS from school to daycare. Much better to work it out before hand & be dealing with one place.

So my mom calls me the other morning and starts in again about how if I want to send TS to a “real preschool” that she’d be willing to pick her up, etc… Her offer to pick up sounds really sweet right? But there’s the catch: I also know that my mother being the martyr that she is will bitch to high hell about driving across town 2x a week to pick her up. I know she’ll do this because she bitched to me about doing it with my brother’s kids. (What she really thinks is that we should put them in schools on her side of town because it's more convient for her.) What pisses me off is that she acts like we’re taking advantage of her when that’s not the case at all. The phone call this AM was like the 4th conversation we’ve had about it. I keep stating what I’m going do and she keeps bringing up the half-day preschool option. If I were to take advantage of her offer she'd be talking shit about me to everyone under the sun. The way she approoaches it also implies that I'm doing something wrong (taking TS to daycare instead of preschool) and not raising my kids correctly. See why it pisses me off.

I really think I need to go see my old shrink, I have trouble breaking my old habits with my mom; she thinks she gets a vote on all things in my life. It was a huge revelation when I had a shrink point out to me that my mom does not get a vote in my my decisions. I was 32. Slow learner. Just because I realize I need to chance that relationship doesn’t mean I’m successful at it. I've told my mom on a couple of occations that she didn't get a vote (like when naming my children) it went over really well as you might imagine. The first time I said it she just got pissed. The second time she said, "I get a vote. It may not count, but I get one." Do you understand why I need threapy???? I'd say I'm going nuts, but I think I'm already there.

Going to the Scrapbook Convention tomorrow with SIL, maybe I finally have something positive to post after that. I’m such a downer lately.

MIA

I know I’ve been MIA lately. I’m trying to get everything together, but when I work on getting “caught up” on one thing others end up suffering, usually sleep, but this last week it’s been my blog. Ok, my blog and my sleep.

My big project is getting our “study” unpacked. I put the parenthesis because it’s really just been a junk room since we moved in. It’s one of those things that makes me feel overwhelmed and can depress me, so I’m trying to get it cleaned up and unpacked. I’ve made a dent, but it still has a ways to go. My plan of attack: I don’t walk down the stairs empty handed. There’s so much stuff in there that needs to be tossed or at least put away somewhere else, that it’s a good approach for now. I’ve been to Goodwill 2x already this week for it.

I started going to a playgroup for BS. I know she’s only 3 months old and while I’m sure she is gifted, no they don’t actually play. DS wanted to know if we pile them up in the middle of a blanket to see what they’ll do. At this age it’s totally for the moms, it’s later when their toddlers that it’ll be for the kids. I’m in a working mom’s playgroup for TS. (Las Madres) We’ve made some really good friends through it—all three of us. It’s such a rare thing to find friends that both of us as a couple like AND the kids are friends! So I don’t really need a support group of moms this go around, but I figured I’d check into the neighborhood group (SAHM) and hopefully meet some mom’s who live in our immediate neighborhood. Not that it’s really an issue either, but the what the heck. Anyway, went to a “playdate” last Friday and a walk on Monday.

And last, but hardly least, I’m trying to pay attention to me more. I’m still vacillating a lot on the PPD thing. I don’t really think I’m depressed, but I have a lot of downs. I guess it’s what they’d call “The Blues”. Now that I’m verbalizing it I realize I need to really pay attention to it. I had a really bad bout of depression after 9/11. I was in a similar place emotionally at that time and 9/11 just pushed me over the edge. It was bad. Real bad. I remember just sitting in the middle of the house alone one day and crying uncontrollablly for hours. I couldn't tell you why, but I couldn't stop either. I still can’t deal with the whole 9/11 thing either (think I'll skip the movie). A shrink once told me that I had symptoms of PTSD to which I was like how can that be, I wasn’t in NY when it happened, I have family there, but everyone was fine, I mean it’s like PTSD by proxy which is super lame. But apparently it’s not an uncommon occurrence. (I still think it’s super lame.) And I still have a lot of issues with major disasters, the Tsunami was a similarly shaky time for me. I think what throws me is the randomness of it. And the unfairness. I still have so much to do in this life it scares me to think that I could miss some of it, especially relating to my girls. Ok I can’t say much more about that or I’ll start to get emotional. (Yes, I am that lame sometimes.) So back to the paying more attention to me; I’ve making a point of walking everyday. (That’s the time suck when I could be blogging.) I’ve been putting BS in the snuggli and TS in the jogging stroller and hauling ass for at least 30 mins everyday. I am hauling ass too, as evidenced when I went out with the mom’s group on Monday and was surprised by our leisurely pace. (I was all worried my out-of-shape ass wouldn’t be able to keep up.) I’m hoping to get back to my blogging regularly now, as I realize it’s also a big part of “paying attention to me” and I need the outlet.

On a happier note:

TS is swimming like a freaking fish!!! We’re going to swim lessons 3x a week and I signed her up to continue (1x a week) this fall. She’s amazing!!!

BS is babbling up a storm these days. She’s a HUGE flirt (already) and giggles. Today I had her on her playmat & she scooted off of it. TWICE! She is also trying to pull herself in a sitting position. She’s is killing me with her growing so fast that one.

Ok, more soon. I must go feed the flirt again, and then sleep.

Sigh of Relief

Spent the weekend cropping (that’s working on scrapbook pages for those of you who have actual lives) at SIL house. Very fun & very, very much needed. I was originally thinking I would just go for the day or something, but I haven’t cropped since before we moved (that would mean last October, OMG!) and I do these G’parent albums every year that I hadn’t even started yet. So that's what I worked on, and I was on a roll. The albums have consisted of a page a month of TS, but now since there are two kids there are two albums per Grandparent household. Hmmm…didn’t really think that one through completely when I started it, now did I? Just glad there aren't any divorces in that generation, they'd be lucky to get pictures. Anywho, I got this project completely up-to-date—I know, I totally rock! I realized sometime Saturday morning how very badly I really need to be doing something like this for me. BS went with me, but she’s so super low maintenance that it wasn’t a big deal it still felt like I got a weekend off. I figured I would come home to a very, very messy home, toddler & husband, but I was wrong!

The house was (are you sitting?) cleaner then when I left it, there were flowers (all pink, of course) in a vase on the counter for me, a F’ING PIE (blackberry & necturine—from our neighbor’s yard) had been baked for me and dinner was marinating in the fridge. WTF??? The conversation went like this:

MS: What’d you break?

DS: Nothing.

MS: Are you sure?

DS: Yes, I just thought it’d be nice for you to come home to this

I know I should ask him who he’s sleeping with, but I’m afraid I get an answer. He was right it was VERY NICE. The result is that I have time to blog today because I don’t feel like I’m playing catch up with house work & such! DS ROCKS!

Working It Out

I can’t believe I’m already starting to stress about this, I’m not going back until October. But do you realize that’s in two months??? I’m trying not to think about it too much, but Wood brought it up today and since I’d been mulling over the last week or so I figured it was an omen and I should trying getting some of these feelings out too. (Maybe talking about it will make it not seem so bad. Riiiight.)

Much of my postings are my rants about my frustrations with TS, which makes me feel bad, but this is supposed to be my version of threapy, so, sorry TS you'll just have to deal with it. You really only frustrate me when you're supposed to be napping and are beyond tired, but instead of sleeping you find that you must keep asking me "why?" about. freaking. every. damn. thing.

I want to stay home and hang with you too, but you're also a very independent little girl and I'm down with that. You don't NEED me the way you're sister does. In fact, I think you're a lot like me, (which scares the living crap out of me.) You like going to "school" and I know you're a better person for it. So while I want to stay home with you I can rationalize why my going to work it good for both of us. Your sister is a baby & needs me in ways that no one will ever need me again & I want to experience that to it's fullest. I get it this time, I won't get these moments back. This time I want to make sure savor every single one of them. (Don't ask me why. Because I said so, damit.)

So Internet back to my story; when TS was a baby and I had to return to work she was six weeks old. DS had been laid off unexpectedly, a month prior to her birth & the job I was going back to was contract. It wasn’t supposed to even exist any longer, but I was suddenly damn glad it did. We were in the middle of the “dot bomb” and had been though more then our share of lay offs/companies imploding, etc… in the last year or so. Luckily my version of “nesting” during that pregnancy was to hoard money, so in the end, we were fine. At the time, it was really scary. Anyway, TS was only 6 weeks!!! I know, how could I leave her??? Well, for starters I was leaving her with her Daddy or G’ma if Daddy was interviewing or something. Much easier then leaving her with a "daycare provider". At least I think it was. I was only working part-time, so really just a few hours a day. And she was only 6 weeks. She didn’t really do anything yet. She hadn’t gotten fun yet. By the time she did get fun,(12 weeks is when your level of sleep deprivation goes down enough, and they wake up enough that life really does get fun with these guys), I had been back for several weeks & made the break. I was bummed, but dealing with it.

BS has gotten fun already.

She’ll be that much MORE fun in 2 more months. WAH.

Lately, I’ve been scheming in my mind on how I could work it out to stay home. (I didn’t nest during this pregnancy, at least according to our savings account.) Actually, our finances are amazingly ok without me working. AND I haven’t given up my mochas, AT ALL. Amazing, I know, cause I have a bad (read: expensive) mocha habit. I keep joking that I need to go back to pay for Disneyland, the dog’s surgery, lasix and my laser hair removal, after that I’m out of there. I’m not really joking. Of course, we just had the car in the shop this week, paid our percentage of the hospital bills (BS’s birth) and then the annual bill for our homeowner’s insurance arrived today. BAH.

These are the reasons I need to go back to work. I'm trying not to think about it.

She giggles now.

LOVE

I’m in love. Every mom goes through it, for some it’s immediate, for me it takes a while. Apparently it takes about 3 months. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my baby the moment she was born, but at some point you fall IN LOVE with your baby. For me, it happened in the last week. She’s so damn sweet, she coos and smiles and flirts and I can’t stand it. I just want to curl up in her crib with her cause I can’t get enough of her these days. This is the love that you feel for your child with an intensity you never knew existed. The kind of love that literally takes your breath away. It’s beautiful and scary all at once. It’s the whole walking with your heart outside your body thing. It is such a wonderful, beautiful feeling.

Don’t worry TS isn’t being neglected. I had this same occurrence with her and its still going on. There are (days) moments (recent—like since potty training) when I am less in love with her then this, but the feeling itself really doesn’t go away. I often want to curl up in bed with her too. This time around I know the intensity of this feeling doesn’t go away.

So forgive any gushing I take part in during the next few weeks, I won’t be myself. It’s not my fault, I mean, how can you not be complexly in love with the dimple & curled eyelashes? Mere mortals have no chance.

My lack of focus post...with Pictures!

Quick, gratuitous baby picture to distract you into forgiveness for my lack of blogging lately. Go ahead, tell me she’s beautiful, I already know it, but you can tell me again. ;-) Know what? She sleeps as well as pretty as she is; now you can hate me. (Did that make sense, probably not, but I think you get what I mean.) Now to get you to read on, there’s more pix below. I’m stealthy like that.

I know it’s been a while. The heat has finally gone away & we're back to normal. Thank God! Lucky for all of you at Blogher. And on that note, I’m pouting about not being at Blogher, but all things considered I’m not sure how much I really would’ve gotten out of it right now, and we can’t afford it, so I guess it’s for the best. I’m still pouting though.

I’m having a really hard time with focus these days. I have a huge sense of being overwhelmed still a lot of the time. Things are better then they were, but nowhere near where I want them to be. I keep trying to remind myself that things are better and that means I just need to be patient, but I’m not a very patient person. A result of this is that I’ve falling into one of my worst habits; staying up really, really late. (note it's 2 AM now.) It wouldn’t be so bad except that it’s extremely disruptive to my health and sanity. I can’t make up the sleep because BS gets up to eat between 5:30 and 7:00 every morning. When you go to bed at 2 AM & get up at 5:30 there’s a reason for feeling overwhelmed. Duh! I’m working on making myself get to bed earlier, but it’s really hard for me. It’s not in my nature and just like some people will over eat, drink, do drugs, etc…when they’re stressed out, I will stay up late. It’s an avoidance thing I guess, although I’m not really sure why I avoid going to sleep. Years ago it was because I couldn’t sleep, so being tired, but not being able to sleep would stress me out, but that’s not a problem (knock on wood) right now. Being overwhelmed means that I have trouble getting the basic things done like housework, much less getting time to blog; my lame excuse du jour. I’m working on it. I’m hopeful that soon my life will have more structure and I will be bloging regularly. (ha,ha,ha,ha,ha….) The last several days have been better, so maybe even by the end of next week. Poor DS bares the brunt of all of this. I can be such a be-yoch to him. In my defense often times it’s because I’m in the middle of being overwhelmed & he’s snuck off to the computer upstairs to zone out on FARK. (He has all day at work to do that!!!) It’s not fair to him, but I think he knows my sense of being overwhelmed so he lays low and rides it out. He’s a good guy.

You know I’ll finally find a groove the week before I have to go back to work. But I don’t want to talk about that right now. I can already tell it’s going to be a problem this go around. It was ok when I did it with TS because it was at 6 weeks and she wasn’t really doing anything yet. By the time she got to be “fun” I’d been back to work for several weeks already. Plus last time DS had been laid off of work a month prior to TS’s birth so I really didn’t have an option about going back, I needed to. This time the need part is a little more gray area then that. We can make it on DS’s paycheck alone, but we aren’t putting anything away and we can’t do much more then pay the mortgage & eat. So, God forbid something happens (car craps out, dog needs surgery…oh yeah) cause that’s the kind of stuff my paycheck covers.

BS hit her 3 month mark on Thursday. These are the portraits I had taken. This one is being used in her birth announcement.

She’s amazing. She’s really sweet, she sleeps great, pretty much on a feeding schedule and is really good natured. She’s also army crawling!!! I put her on her stomach on her boppy yesterday and she pushed herself up and over it. She would’ve landed on her head if I hadn’t been there. She scares me; she going to do stuff like crawl early I think. And she ADORES her big sister. She beams at her now, just beams. It’s really nice. I’ll have to mark this entry so a year or two from now when they’re driving each other nuts (instead of just me) I can come back to read it. Alright, one last picture and I’m head to bed.