Tuesday, March 25, 2008

yeah, I think it's time to up the meds again

Usually I write about the funny, the odd or the ordinary in my life.

I try to avoid the darkness I sometimes feel. Lately, that darkness has been hanging out closer to the surface. Today is one of the days I’m having trouble holding it off. I don’t like to write about it. Almost as if I don’t acknowledge it, it doesn’t exist.

I wish it were so easy.

I try not to give into it, but late at night it overwhelms me. It envelops me and if I give into it I fear I might fall into a dark pit forever. Just falling, falling, like Alice in a never-ending rabbit hole. Just blackness.

I hope that if I write tonight, maybe that will chip away at the power it seems to have over me. I’m not sure it matters. I hate this sense of helplessness I feel toward it.

I have a big change coming up in my life. It’s been taking shape for a while now and it’s finally coming to fruition. Next week I’ll be able to tell you more. But I believe it may be why the darkness is near now. It a good change. It’s something I’ve been working toward. It’s positive. But it is a big change. And I fear change. Outwardly I seem fine, but on the inside, I’m a mess.

I get overwhelmed and the darkness sees the weakness and waits nearby to try and work it’s way into me. It threatens my happiness. It makes me question my abilities, my desires….I hate this darkness. It knows and it’s waits. It waits for the time I’m weak enough to try and take hold of me fully. I think that’s why I have trouble sleeping, why I’ll play mindless games on the computer. I need to block feeling anything, and I want to be completely exhausted so I won’t be able to feel that darkness once I get into bed. I want to hit that pillow & be out. Otherwise, it's like I can feel it. It's waiting. The darkness, it's patient, and it's near.