Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Melancholy Me

Lately, I'm feeling all melancholy.

I think it's the weather, or my Fibromyalgia (Fibro) symptoms. Probably a little of both. Depression is a symptom of Fibro & I often feel I'm "one straw" away from breaking that camel's back. I guess for me melancholy is one step away from depression. It's so easy to get into a rut & feel sorry for yourself. Especially when your day-to-days seem to run into each other. I've been very reactive lately w/the girls being sick, my laptop dying, feeling like crap,'s not good. That final straw seems to weigh more and more. I need to get more proactive, to take some of the weight off, but if you've been where I am, you know that's easier said than done. Don't worry, I'm not about to go off the deep end. I'm not walking around sulking & pouting, but it's in the back of my head. It's almost like I can see the blackness sitting on the horizon, waiting.

I'm still working on getting a handle on this Stay At Home Mom (SAHM) gig. (It's only been 18 months, after all. Looking like I'm not going to get a handle, huh?) I've gotten much better at learning my boundaries; read: "How to say no". I believe that my herniated disc was my teacher on that one. It's a hard lesson for me. Ms. Type A, unable to volunteer for everything under the sun. I hate being a flake more than I hate not being in charge, so I have taken big steps back on those fronts. Now, I don't volunteer for things until it's closer to the event. It's unusual for volunteers to get turned down, and since I'm not always sure how well I'll be it's been a good ploy for me. But it's hard on my ego. Now I'm working on my discipline. The lack of hard deadlines is still a tough one for me to wrap my head around. There is no "done" for a SAHM. I knew that going into it, but living it can still a hard adjustment. I know, if I get routines in place, and actually FOLLOW THEM, then I'm golden. It's that whole follow thru thing that seems to elude me. There's always laundry, dishes, picking get old. But I also know if I get off my high horse & do it, I'm happier. I guess I wanted to remind myself of that. I also felt a little like, if I get this out of my head maybe it'll stay out.

Thanks for hanging, pity party is over.