Thursday, October 07, 2010

Not Depressed. Not All That Happy Either.

Our network was down for a week. I know a week! I'm not sure how I survived it either. That, coupled with some other issues I'm having, are the reason I haven't posted in longer than usual. During that week, I had lots of things to post about, of course. Now I can't remember what they were.

I'm having a hard time lately. I'm exhausted. Fatigued. Wiped. All of the above. I'm having migraines, bad ones, every other day. By 3 PM I'm shot. It's all I can do to keep the kids alive till DaddySpeak gets home. Yes, my back is finally better and now this. I wonder to myself if I'm being a hypochondriac, even to myself. Could I be imagining these symptoms? Do I need to have some kind of medical drama, about me, all the time? But in the back of my mind I know exactly what is going on with me. I haven't wanted to write it. Writing it, makes is seem real. It means I have to start to fight it, and I'm so very tired. I don't want to fight, I want to curl up and go to sleep.
I'm pretty sure it's the Fibro showing it's ugly head. I'm having back/neck pain, (not my disc in my lower back. This is up in my shoulder area). I'm not sleeping well, (no REM sleep). I'm having focus issues, (Fibro Fog). I'm tired all the time, (CFS). The laundry list of symptoms has started. Why? Why now? I think it's because I'm not on the low-carb diet anymore. Seriously. No, I wasn't being great about it, but I still wasn't really eating breads, pasta or rice. I was eating way less carbs than I think I realized. I started Weight Watchers about 6 weeks ago. I've lost 10 lbs., I've done WW before and had good success. The problem is that I'm eating rice & pasta again. The last 4 weeks have seen my symptoms getting worse. I got my doctor to run blood tests. I was sure it was hormones, it's not. It's been years since I've experienced symptoms. Like a pouting two-year-old, I'm stomping my feet and having a tantrum. I don't want this. I just want to have time and energy to enjoy my family. My girls don't even know who I am, what I can do. They've just started to get a glimpse of me. I feel like I've already missed so much. Dramatic much? Yeah, I know. Hopefully, getting back on the low-carb diet will stop it again. I have to be honest, I'm not really looking forward to it. I like my daily mocha. I miss pasta & chocolate. Not as much as I like feeling well, but I still feel a sense of loss over it. Hopefully, that's what this is about, but it's still frustrating. It's scary. What if the diet doesn't help?
My mom asked me today if I'm depressed. I've been wondering if I am, but I don't think so. Depression would take energy, that I just don't have, at all.