Monday, January 02, 2012

Happy New...Meh

I know that being a new year & all, I'm supposed to be all reflective & stuff. Meh. I want to set resolutions this year, (which is really a first for me to be honest).  And there's a litany of obvious items I want to resolve to change, but really, I can't be bothered to think that hard about it.  Doesn't say much for how well I would keep said resolutions, does it? 
My real issue, is that I'm not sure exactly what my issue is.  (I'm a freaking one-man philosophy course.)  I want, no need to lose weight.  My current status is beyond embarrassing.  I've basically put on 10 lbs every year for the past four years.  No, that's not exactly how it happened.  Yeah, I (obviously) contributed to it.  (As I shove a doughnut in my pie hole.  No, not really, but hey, did someone say doughnuts???)  But it also happened/started in relation to something that happened TO me, (herniated disc/surgery).  For some reason, I can NOT get past that.  It seems that all my "issues" come down to that problem; "I didn't have fun getting this way.  It's not fair and therefore I shall ignore it and hope it goes away!"  When it doesn't go away, I shall have an adult-style temper-tantrum; and eat my feelings.  (They all taste like chocolate, how lucky for me.)  What might take most people years of therapy to get to, I've managed to boil down in a single paragraph.  Look, at the money I'm saving!  As usual, I can see, hear, touch, and taste the problem, but I don't know how to get to it emotionally.  Therefore, I'm not really sure how to fix it. 
Maybe it's that you don't really "fix" it.  Maybe, just maybe, the answer is that you "fake it till you make it."  You act like whatever it is you want (a size 6 waist,) and eventually you get there be default.  Obviously, if it's my weight, I need to start eating like a supermodel if size 6 really were the goal.  It's not. But you get the idea.
In that vein, (faking it,) here are the things I'd like to change in some manner this year:

Lose weight (diet & exercise)
Pursue something more serious w/my photography (actually get some info on how to do that.)
Be able to do more physically w/my kids (exercise)
Stop feeling like I'm stalled out (I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen, but I don't know what & it makes me feel stymied.)

One thing to note.  Usually, I'm more or less a mess at this point after the holidays.  I did pull back on a LOT this year.  And, as of right now, (even though I don't want to jinx it,) I think it's worth noting, that I'm more or less holding it together.  (knockingonwood)  One thing I do know is that I really, really need to listen to my body.  If it's telling me it's too tired, it's too tired.  I'm not going to get a 2nd wind.  That's just not how it works for someone like me. (Someone w/Fibromyalgia.)  I'm a slow learner, but I'm getting better at listening to my body and heeding the warnings it gives me.  Maybe, THAT is key to all of this & I just need to be patient and see how it all unfolds.