What I've been up to...

Yeah, I can't believe it's Friday already either. I'm taking another class over at Jessica's so I've been cropping instead of blogging. Sorry Internets didn't mean to neglect you (I've been tweeting though!) Here's some eye candy so you can see what I've been up to. I really like the page; photos weren't taken by me & aren't my favs, but that's what happens when you have to hand someone else the camera cause you can't hike up the hill. On that note, I'm doing better. PT is going well and kicking my butt (which is what I mean by doing well). I'll have abs of steel in no time. Seriously...
But yes, eye candy (more to come)....

Baby Week

Hey, it's baby week! OK, maybe not. But since I posted that link about the BFing & driving chick and now I'm going to go tell you to check out Nikki's new baby girl it seemed like I might have a theme going right now.

Don't get excited, that weight gain of mine is strictly based on my chocolate & cookie consumption; remember I'm the chick who loses weight while preggers (and doesn't throw up.) Yes, you can hate me for it. I would hate me over it if I wasn't me. So while I'm busy having the thin mint baby over here, go see Nikki's new bundle, it'll make your ovaries hurt I promise. Then come read some of my past stories about Little & you'll be over it.

Extreme Breastfeeding

Ok, did you hear about the mom who was breastfeeding while driving? I am a HUGE fan of the BFing. I was blessed to be able to do this for both of my children and while I know it's not for everyone I probably would've tried just about anything to make it work for both my girls. However, even when I was a pro (baby #2) the best I could do was walk w/very small baby in sling and nurse. But that was only when the situation dictated! But really DRIVING? And talking on the phone???

Back at it!

I know, enough w/the back jokes. It's been a while so here's my status (which I know you're just dying for.)

After a BIG scare last week (leg went numb again) everything is back in working order and seems to actually be on the mend. Week before last I went into the doctor for my 6 week follow up. He made me bend, squat, roll over, sit and beg....anyway, he checked my mobility. My ankle is still w/out a reflex and I'm still a mess whenever I have an appointment like that; all that movement F's me up really bad. But more or less I'm ploding along at an expected rate. Dr. gave me a prescription for physical therapy & steroids (to move the healing along a bit more.) Last Thursday was the last day of taking steroids (and I was feeling that they really were starting to help,) I woke up w/a numb foot. Uh oh. A few hours later & the numbness was working it's way up my leg and by 11 I had no feeling in my leg left at all. After a phone call to the doctor, he set me up for a 2nd round of steroids and told me to start Physical Therapy (PT). If I still have numbness in a week, then another scan will be scheduled. The PT thought I probably was building scar tissue which was pushing on the nerve again. She worked it out for me and I haven't had any notiable numbness since. Whew!

Ultimately, I'm frustrated. It has been very slow going, or maybe it hasn't. I've had this problem for so long now (2 years) maybe the length of time this is taking is to be expected. I'm finding that I do feel better for periods of time, but then I do something (like go out to dinner w/my hubby for his b-day) and find that it was too much. The bigest problem I have is that when I'm overdoing it, my back doesn't let me know. I find out after the fact that it was too much, and spend the next day in bed. I find it really hard to stop myself from doing things if it doesn't actively hurt, especially if it's related to the girls. I feel so guilty about how much I'm saying no to them already that if I don't know it will bother me for sure I tend to do it, and pay later.

I'm also frustrated w/other things; I've gained quite a bit of weight during this down time (15 lbs) and I get really, really tired. We took the girls to the park for a couple hours today and all I did was sit and watch, but I was wiped out from it. I slept for 3 hours after. I'm tired of being tired is all. I try not to focus on the extrainious stuff (like my weight) hoping that it will take care of it's self once I'm moving again.
Hang w/me Internet. I know I'm crabby and bitchy & I'm trying to be nice, but feel free to call me on it. I just want to be me again, you know.

My First Best Friend (3) --Part 2

So it looks like there may be a new chapter in our dusty book. Well, maybe.

You see, in the last several month my old high school buddies have gotten very active on Facebook. I went to the reunion last year, and had a blast. Re-acquainted w/several old friends and now, because of Facebook we're all keeping in touch in ways we never dreamed. Don't think I haven't looked for her over the years. First on classmates, especially as we got closer to the reunion. Nothing. I more or less resigned myself that, that was it. As much as I hate to admit it, and small part of me might always hope, we probably would never be friends again. I'm sure it's for the best as far as my heart is concerned, but there will always be a part of me that hopes. There's still a small part of me that hopes some day she'll want to reconnect. I hate that. I hate feeling so vulnerable, still.

Guess who's on Facebook?

There's a bunch of meme's that have been going around our high school group. They've actually been a lot of fun, a quick way to catch up with each other on mundane things. She was linked on someone's this week. Like myself, she used her married name instead of including her maiden, so I had to check her pix to be sure, but it's her. She looks the same. She even has the same haircut from our freshman year, it is back in style. I'm on Facebook ALL. THE. TIME. because I'm still in recovery mode. I know she's had to have seen my pix linked to several of these memes. So I know, she knows I'm on. But she never sent a friend request. Do I send her one?

OMG! It's high school dating all over again!!!
After a couple days of debating I sent her a friend request, I was too curious not to. So this evening she accepted it. No message accompanying it, just hit the button and moved on. I included a quick note in my request of my maiden name (so she'd know who I was, but I hear I look the same, I happen to know I look better ;-) & the standard, "what have you been up to?" So now, I've checked out her profile & pix; married, still in the town where we went to college, 3 kids. Do I write her? Do I dare put myself out there to be ignored again? Do I still care that much?

This, my friends, is where our or I guess I should say MY current chapter lies. For all I know, she hasn't given me a second thought over the past 20 years. Jeez, I wasn't this stressed about reconnecting w/old flames, but then I don't care about them anymore. Not in the "I wish we could still be friends" sort of way. I do know this; even after 20 years, there's still a hole in my heart from her. I haven'd decided what I'm going to do yet. What do you think?

My First Best Friend (2) --part 1

I'll bet you thought it was part 1 cause I'm splitting the story up. Surprise! It's because there's a recent new chapter in this story, but we'll get to that....

If you just got here, the beginning of the story starts here.

So as I mentioned, Marie and I had been the very best of friends for over 9 years by this time. As was typical of us we joined different social groups, but still hung out together & just introduced each other to all our new friends. One of the groups Marie joined was Young Life. It's a Christian based Youth Group. We had a very large group at our high school and we were both members. I'm pretty sure I'm the one who dragged her to it to begin with, the chapter at our school was so large that we had student leaders and I was one of them. That first semester of college I was doing my best to just stay in school, so I wasn't joining anything. But like I said, I went to the parties at Marie's complex and with the small group of friends I'd made in the dorms. My room mate and I could not have been more different. At this point we were still more or less on speaking terms, but by December it was clear we would never be friends. (Another story for another time.) By the end of that semester I had become pretty good friends with one girl in particular in the dorms, Louise. At the start of second semester Louise and I had decided to rush a little sister program to one of the fraternities. We had some good guy friends in that fraternity and thought it would be fun. And we were right, it was fun. Marie wasn't interested, she was busy enough w/our friends from the complex and her Young Life group. I didn't think much of it at the time. But, it was around this time that we started to grow apart. There were two guys in the complex that we had become very good friends with, Don and Liam. Don and I were such good friends that we got our ears pierced together (I still can't believe he hasn't come out of the closet, but he swears he's not gay, just metro. Last I talked to him he was married w/a couple of kids, so who knows.) I thought Don and her were friends like this also, but later I found that they were more along the lines of "Friends w/Benefits." When things between her and Don went South is when she really started to pull away. She got a lot more involved w/her Young Life group and I understood, we'd both had serious boyfriends in high school and dealt with type of stuff before. In the past, the other had stayed friends w/the guy if they were already friends and once the "mourning period" was over it was fine. And if the other asked, we'd have dropped the guy friend in a heartbeat, but neither of us had ever asked that of each other. This time something had changed. She stopped hanging out with anyone not in the Young Life group. I would go to parties at her next door neighbors and she wouldn't, it was kind of weird. I tried going to the Young Life meetings and such, but this particular group was heavy on the religion and the judgment, and I wasn't looking for that. I was honestly surprised she liked hanging around this group, but you know to each their own. I tried going to the church w/her, but it was very New Age-y and I wasn't into that at all. (I'm Catholic Lite, I'm all about guilt and exercise during my mass. I went to one service w/her when people were getting up sharing their family's personal problems. It was group therapy w/a religious theme. Growing up Catholic it weirded me out. But my point is that I tried.) I was getting pretty involved with the little sister group I was pledging and wasn't exactly sitting on my duff waiting for her phone call either. By the end of the year it became apparent she didn't want to be friends anymore. I'd call her to do stuff; go to the mall, a party, etc...she wasn't interested. Ever. The friendship became very one-sided and pretty soon, she just stopped returning my phone calls. If we had gone to different colleges it would've been a normal progression, but we didn't. It was very hard for me to come to grips with it. I think I would've understood it, if it had happened our first semester, but we'd weathered that and our friendship had been as strong as ever. Then all the sudden, bam! Nothing. And there didn't seem to be a good reason for it. Every time we'd be on break, if I talked to anyone from our old group of high school friends, the first thing they'd ask is if I'd talked to her. They just couldn't believe after all this time that she'd dropped me too. But she had. My parents would run into hers as the years went by and she'd gotten very, very religious. She didn't really want to have much to do with anyone who wasn't part of her church, including her parents. It was so weird. It wasn't like I was anti-religion, I just wasn't into her church, that had never been an issue for us before. Somehow, this group she was with convinced her that if she was hanging w/people who weren't practicing their faith in the same way then she was going to hell with us, so she dropped us. (I know this is NOT typical of a Young Life group and was the result of individuals w/in that group at that time. I do also know that, that group of people is where this start from.) We both finished college in the same major, so yes, we did see each other for the next four years on a fairly regular basis, but you'd never know the kind of friends we'd been. We even had a lecture class together, she came in after me and chose to sit in the back somewhere else. Point taken.

During that time I took that stance that I didn't need that kind of friend anyway. She'd changed, and not for the better. I had plenty of friends on my own and didn't need to go chase her down if she wasn't interested. The truth was that I was injured beyond belief. My heart was broken and I didn't know how to fix it. No one talks about broken hearts from your best friend dropping you, only boyfriends. If you think about it, I was in a 9 year relationship and now she was indifferent. How does that happen??? I "refused to dwell on it," so I didn't really deal with it and I let it fester for years. All of my good girl friendships were measured by this one, and tempered by it. There was a part of me that didn't want to get too close to anyone again. I didn't ever want to be hurt by indifference again. And it still hurts now, after 20 years.

I've made some good friends over the years, but none like Marie. I don't think I've idealized our friendship, I just think, in some ways, we were more mature about our friendships when we were younger. The bottom line is I've never gotten over her. I've never had a best girl friend since Marie. Our 20 year reunion was last year, she didn't show and no one seemed to know where she'd ended up for sure. I didn't dwell on it too much, but several people at the reunion did bring it up. I guess I figured that was pretty much the end of it. This was the extent of closure I'm going to get from this situation. It sucks, but that's real life. If it were a Lifetime Network movie, she would've shown up at the reunion, music would've played and all the years would've melted away.

Ummm, yeah, it's not a movie, so that's that, right? Then I joined Facebook....

My First Best Friend--part 1

We were 10 years old in 5th grade when she came to our school. She had strawberry blond hair and was a little on the pudgy side; getting ready for that tween growth-spurt that was eminent for all of us. I don't remember if this was the exact day she started our school, but I do remember swinging on the monkey-bars with her at recess, and sticking up for her when some class bully was looking for her weak-link being that she was new and all. It was that recess when it became clear that we would be friends. Up until that point I had, had two good girl friends, both dictated by location more than anything else. When Marie moved in, I made my first real friend. We were friends by our choice. We didn't really live close to each other, and our folks were never what you would call "friends". In a lot of ways, your first true friend is like your first true love. We made a lot of mistakes in our friendship, but somehow we weathered them. None of them were such that I really remember any of the arguments very clearly.

During middle school our group of girlfriends grew to include 3 others and a fourth joined us in high school, and of course there were a few boys that hung with us too, but Marie and I were the best of friends within that group. We had very separate interests outside of school; she was on swim team; the result of a a doctor's prescription for bad knees and I was in dance. Instead of that pulling us apart it just included extras into our friendship. We tired to make sure we got classes together if we could, but we didn't try to influence the other's choices; she took Spanish & I took French. I went to her swim meets, she came to my dance recitals. We had, what I know now, was a very adult approach to our friendship. It was entirely based on the fact that we genuinely liked each other. No other reason then that.

I started out kindergarten w/our group of kids and knew everyone. She came in later, so when we started high school, and "shy" Marie decided she was going to run for class president, I have to admit to being a bit surprised. Our little gaggle of girls walked her around to every freshman in the class (330) and introduced her. She won. She was our class president for 3 years and was able to make everyone in our class feel included. Marie and I were even co-editors of the school newspaper together. I'm sure we drove our adviser crazy, but it was a lot of fun. Marie wasn't really all that shy. I knew that, but you had to get to know her in those early days to find that out. It was Marie who handed me my first cocktail our sophomore year of high school; 151 w/a splash of Coke for color. I'll tell you the story of that party later. The point is that we weathered all the usual friendship bumps without many issues. Our friendship was stronger than that.

All that being said, when it came time to apply for colleges no one in our group talked about where they were really applying to go to. There was some unwritten code that we would all let each other know where we were going, once we'd decided for sure. I guess we shouldn't have been all that surprised that Marie and I both applied to the same schools. We both wanted to go into journalism so it made sense. I don't think the rest of our friends really believed us about not talking about it before hand, but really we didn't. In the end, we both choose the same college. As our friendship had always gone we did decide not to room together in the dorms (meet more people this way, make more friends). Marie didn't get her form in or something and did not get a room in the dorms. Opps! She was able to get into an just off-campus apartment which operated like the dorms, pairing roommates together. It was for the best, we would know of all the fun parties on campus and off! We both moved in on the same day, a week before school started. Every day we'd lay by the pool and every night we knew where all the parties were, and we were at them. A few days before school started, I got very, very sick. It was Marie who knew me well enough to know it wasn't just too much partying and borrowed her room mate's car to get me to the hospital. I was dehydrated and went from 115 lbs to 100 lbs in 3 days (years later I would find out it was IBS from Fibromyalgia). I was sent home and missed that first week of college. I'm pretty sure my parents would've made me withdraw, except they knew Marie was there & would watch out for me. That first semester moved us along, more or less, like we always had. Missing the first week of school made it a bit harder for me to make friends, but I did. And, the kids at Marie's apartment complex were fun to hang out with anyway. It wasn't until the second semester when our relationship changed.

More later this week...

Gray like me.

I'm tired & cranky. I'm sure you're tired of hearing about it and I'm tired of talking about it. Tuesday I had my first truly pain free day since the surgery. I did stuff, but I didn't think I overdid anything. I woke up yesterday feeling just awful; two steps forward, one step back I guess. And I know I should be grateful that it's still a step forward, but somehow it just feels like I ought to feel better than I do. It doesn't help that my parents (read: mom) decided in the third week of my recovery that I was pretty much done needing help and bailed on me. Karma, being the great equalize that she is, promptly gave my mom a strained back when reaching for her purse in the car. Ha! Take that Mom! Now you know how crappy I feel. Except, I need her to feel ok and to help me with the kids. So Karma, I get it, but really dude, couldn't it have waited?

The kids have been really good, but their patience is wearing thin as well. Littlespeak is good as long as she's got someone dedicated to her. The second you have to divde your time with her, all bets are off. Yesterday we were back to multiple time outs, 3 in 30 minutes. I desperately called my parents for help and my mom put me down, "Cause it sounds like you can't handle taking care on your own kids right now." I can't, I'm not supposed to and the fact that I have been is probably a large reason as to the amount of pain I'm still having and what I'm assuming is going to be a prolonged recovery.

I'm so frustrated! Today has started out poorly. It's raining (which is good, we need rain here in CA), but mostly it's gray, like me.

A Light at the End of the Toilet

So this last week LittleSpeak has started showing interest in using the toilet. Not really just interest, but actually using it. It started w/just before bed; after bath Daddy would ask her if she wanted to go. One night she said yes, not necessarily unusual, but this time she was actually able to go. That was unusual. She's never been consistent w/it, so it's not that it hasn't happened before, but somehow this felt much more intentional. The next night she did it again. And the night after that. Hmmmm..... (No the picture doesn't relate to the story, but it's the only recent one I had & really she is pretty yummy if you ask me. ;-)

Then we started w/the mornings, when she first got up. And she was going then. Not only that, but she's been staying dry all night, something her 5YO sister doesn't even do consistently. Occasionally she was able to do it during the day too now. I mentioned it to her preschool on last Thursday & they asked if I wanted her to start pottytraining there. "Well, lets see how she does this weekend." The thing about LittleSpeak is that if she isn't on board for something like this, there's no point in putting any effort toward it till she is.

So this weekend she was game. And she was excited about it. Hey, she gets a gummy whenever she goes, what's not to be excited about? She was still having accidents so I never really committed to the underware only, (once, for a couple hours and then she wet herself and wasn't interested in it). When I got in today I packed for training, (4 outfits & underware) but I also packed for not (pull-ups/diapers). I didn't expect much, and I took her in her pull up to start. She did start out the morning using the potty though. They were game and took her right away to put on her underware.

When I picked her up tonight: NO ACCIDENTS! Not even one! I'm floored. I guess I shouldn't be, I've said all along when she decides she's ready then she'll do it and that will be that. I guess I just wasn't entirely sure I wasn't giving her too much credit. What can I say, I know my kid. Don't worry, I know we are really just on the beginning of the path of running for the bathroom & forgetting to go, etc...time to pull that diaper bag out again; gonna need to carry multiple changes of clothes & plastic bags. But I do know from past experience that this really is the beginning of the end. While many of the "baby" things they give up are bittersweet, this is one milestone no parent is sad about, trust me.

Sigh, no more babies living in my house.

Gong hei fat choi!!!

Happy Lunar New Year!

Does your family do anything to celebrate?
Sorry, did I confuse you? Yes, I'm wonder bread (White) over here. Actually, the side of the family I feel the most influence from is the beans & rice (Mexican/Spanish) but no, no Chinese in my background. I'll explain:

I grew up in a predominantly "Asian" area; Philippine, Vietnamese, Chinese & Japanese. I guess it might be more accurate to say I grew up in a very diverse area, but the Asian cultures were quite dominate in my schools. This was a big holiday growing up for us. We usually celebrated w/a traditional lion dance or dragon parade at school. But the best part was the food!!! We always had lumpia (Philippine egg rolls), pork baus (sweet bread stuffed w/sweet & sour pork) and pho (Vietnamese soup). YUM!!!

Night before last hubby took the girls to pick up Chinese take out. Big Speak comes home yakking away about the outing; "We went this store that had a waving cat in the window." (Funny, the things they note. I don't even notice those anymore.) "And then I told the lady Happy New Year in Chinese, and she started to talk to me in Chinese." I asked her if she understood her and she said no, but I wouldn't be surprised if Littlespeak did. (Those toddlers get so much from our non verbals it's like they speak all languages.) I then explained to her about Mandarin language and Cantonese and that they're both Chinese, but most likely the lady spoke to her in Mandarin. She thought that was cool, "how come we don't have two languages?" They're having a big "Chinese New Year" parade & celebration at her school on Thursday, so she's been preparing for this week. I explained to her that it's really Lunar New Year and why (the moon cycle, and not just the Chinese celebrate it. I've actually been in Korea during it. Trust me, they celebrate.) And she got really excited about that. She's super happy to go "tell" her teacher something new. Then I promised to get some Chinese food, as well as Vietnamese, Koren, and Philippine to celebrate (looks like I'll be making a trip to the Ranch 99 this week).

So again; does your family celebrate? How?
Do you celebrate some not so common (for America) holidays? How?

Look Out....the soap box is out!

I know, I never write and now that I do I'm going to pull out more politics???? OK, well since I'm still in recovery I've been watching a lot of TV. Seriously, I am bored. So part of the problem is that I've heard this same story over and over and now I'm frustrated by it. So let me get it off my chest and I'll get back to my regular bitch-fest as planned.

I'm sure you've heard that President Obama is currently in the process of trying to pass through his version of a stimulus package. A $825 billion, yes with a capital B, plan that is supposed to infuse the economy with cash; boost/create programs/infrastructure/jobs, stymie/stop the housing crunch from the homeowner perspective, etc.... Now, I am not a financial guru, and I agree that is one big hunk of money. It's debt that we will be saddling our children with if we don't make good on it. Let me be clear that giving our kids that much more debt does not sit right w/me.
BUT, (and it's a big but) I voted for this guy. I believe he (and the people he is surrounding himself with) are smart enough to know the right thing to do in this situation. I don't think I'm alone in saying that the majority of the country is supporting him right now. AND the current strategies (from this last administration) don't seem to be doing all that much to help. So, I do support this strategy. Until President Obama & his administration give me a reason not to trust their judgement I'm on board.

So here's my gripe:

There's this clip I keep seeing on TV that is driving me nuts. This clip shows House Republican leader John Boehner of Ohio basically saying that they want more tax cuts and less money going into programs and that the amount is too large....yada, yada, yada. I couldn't find the exact quote on the web, sorry, but that's the gist of it. He keeps being shown saying, "If Americans are taxed less they'll have that money in their paychecks to save, invest and spend to help boost the economy." I'm paraphrasing here, cut me some slack. I've seen him saying this so many times now that I'm pretty much at the point of throwing things at the TV and yelling at him when it come on. Yes, it's gotten that bad.

Correct me if I'm wrong, aren't a huge number of people currently unemployed???
If people don't have jobs, they aren't earning paychecks and aren't getting those tax breaks, right???
So how do those tax breaks help those people????
This is the point at which I start throwing stuff at the TV because it seems like my kindergartner would be able to put this together.
These programs are supposed to create jobs for those out of work people so then they will have a paycheck providing them with the money to then help get the economy going again.

I think that Senator Boehner missed a day in his economics class is all I'm saying...

I'll move on now.

Inauguration Day--A Moment in History

I saw a commercial about the coverage Oprah will be having during the inauguration festivities last night. Something she said really caught my attention,

"You can feel the whole nation quivering w/excitement."

She right you can.

You can't listen/watch the news or read an article w/out it somehow referencing this upcoming event.
And there's a huge amount of irony associated w/this; we are currently in the worst economic shape since the depression; and predictions are that it's going to get worse before it gets better, but still there is this huge sense of hope that you can feel. Yeah, I know it's not the second coming, but it does feel a lot like a birth, or maybe a rebirth is a better word.

I mentioned in my last post that my 5YO doesn't understand the significance of this event. In the world she lives in, everyone is treated equal, why wouldn't they be. When does that change for us? When do we start treating people differently? I know why it happens, mostly because it's taught. But when do you start to notice it? Because she hasn't yet, and I would like to extend that for as long as possible.

I'm doing my best to do some things that I hope will give my girls memories of this day. We have our "Obama Girl" shirts and the weather is cooperating here in California so we won't have to cover them w/jackets. I'm taping everything and tonight her and I talked about it some more. She did mention that she's noticed that one of the boys in her class has darker skin then everyone else, I pointed out some of the other kids as well. I also pointed out that my skin is much darker than hers and her Uncle's skin puts us all to shame. She asked why and I told her that, that's how God made us unique & beautiful. I explained to her that a long time ago not everyone thought that different was good, and because of that someone like Barrack Obama could not have been president. That during that time people w/darker skin had to go to different schools and churches. She thought about it for a minute and said,
"Those people weren't very smart, were they?"

"No baby, they weren't. We know better know, but it took a long time for enough people to understand that so that some one like him could not only vote but be the person for which we're voting." "Now we really believe anyone can be president. Even you."

"I don't want to be president."

"Me neither baby. Too much responsibility. But we think he's really smart and that he'll do a really good job and we're excited that he does want to be. We think he's going to do the best he can, and that's all you can really ask from someone."

I was 8 months pregnant with her when we went to war in Iraq. I wrote her a letter at that time so that regardless of what history held of that event, she understood where her father and I stood. History might show that it was the right thing, but that we felt it was for the wrong reasons. I felt so desperate when I wrote that letter, what kind of a world was I bring this child into?"

That was five years ago. Now with inauguration happening in a second here, I feel hope.

I feel hope for the future and the world that my children will be living in. I feel good about some of the decisions our government will be making, for the right reasons. I know it's going to be hard. I'm ok with that. By having children I made a promise to try to give them a better place than I had. The whole "we're just borrowing the earth from our children" thing.

I am finally hopeful that I may be able to fulfill that promise to them.

Email to my daughter's kindergarden class

You know, I live in Silicon Valley. So, of course, it goes without saying that my daughter's kindergarten class has a groups site to coorispond w/each other and the teacher. Below is an email I shot off yesterday to her teacher and the other parents in her class. I work in the classroom & know the teacher pretty well, so thus the tone of it being a little less then formal. I thought you might enjoy it as well. If you have younger kids you can think of it as my personal PSA to you.

---------------------------------
Mrs. B,

I was wondering if anything was happening in regard to the inauguration in class on Tuesday. While our kids may not really get the importance of this event. I'm trying to do a few small things personally in hopes that they may have some memories in it's regard;i.e.--"I didn't really get that it was that big of a deal, but I do remember my parents talking about it and watching it on TV, etc..."kind of thing. If it weren't such a historic event I wouldn't be asking, but considering it is such a historic time I thought it might be covered to some degree. I will duck now from the shoe you are throwing at me for suggesting additional stuff to your day. Bye!

MamaSpeak

FYI--Other Parents, so that you don't end up in the same situation I did let me give you a warning:

I tried explain to BigSpeak why it was a really, really big deal who our new president was going to be, in an effort to try and give her some memories of this event I've bought both my girls t-shirts (we're Obama girls ;-) and we talk about him and his family. (Even if you don't
like/didn't vote for him, this is a pretty historic event.) Since BigSpeak hasn't seemed to encounter racial biases yet, she didn't understand what the heck her Mama was saying.

That's nice to know.

However, what I did do, was open a huge jar of worms about racial (and gender) bias; and that not everyone is treated equally everywhere, so my warning to any other parents who haven't dealt w/this subject and have a question asker..."Be Prepared!" It's not that it won't come up
for you at some point, if you have a question asker, like mine, you may want to think hard about how to answer the questions so that you don't end up in a 3 hour conversation about it or so that you do, but have the answers that are appropriate for a 5/6YO.

If you have a question asker, you know exactly what I mean and are laughing at me for opening my mouth in the first place.

I can hardly wait for the conversation when she figures out what being "gay" means and realizes she has a close relative who is.

Good Times is all I'm saying...

On Barbie......and self-image

Mike wrote a smackdown article over at Babble. Which is very, good and I apparently had something to say about. While writing my comment, I realized it was really more of a blog post. Rather than hijack his comments, I copied what I posted there and finished my them here:

You know, my philosophy on all of this kind of stuff is; "they covet what they can't have, so anything in moderation."
We'll see how I feel about "moderation in all things" when my girls want to do drugs or underage drinking. But I think a lot has to do with how big of a deal you make of things. If you make a big deal about it (either way/good or bad) your kid will pick up on it & then go from there..some will try to please you & some will do the exact opposite of what you want, cause that's human nature.

In regard to self-image;

Typically, the biggest influence in a girls' life is her mother, not the measurements of their Barbie doll. Kids don't miss much so if you put yourself down, even if you don't think they know, they pick up on it. Our neighbors daughter, 6, informed her the other week that she wanted to go on a diet cause she was looking fat. If we women could get over the idealizations that the media is selling us, then our kids might be able to too. Until we do, it's probably unrealistic to think they will. Sure, I wish I had my 20YO body back, I certainly didn't appreciate it then. I thought I was fat. I'm 5' 7" and I felt myself at a size 6 was FAT. Yeah, I know, but you couldn't have told me different then.

Here's the kicker, my most comfortable time in my life, body image wise, was when I was pregnant. I think that is very telling.

When I weighed the most and wore my largest dress size I was the absolute happiest with my body. To say I LOVED my pregnant self doesn't begin to convey how much I loved the way I looked at that time. Given a choice, I would be pregnant 100% of the time. Ok, I'd like to take holidays and weekends off (so I could drink lots of mulled wine & sangrias, not that I do, but I like to think I could if wanted to.) I happily wore a bikini in the summer and form fitting t-shirts and blouses. If it showed off my "bump" I wanted it. I realized when I was pregnant my body was doing exactly what it was made to do and I loved every minute of it. Talk about confident! I understood the irony of this situation. Normally I'd be wearing a bathing suit that covered much more and would be pulling in all the areas I thought I probably needed more coverage. Now a much larger me was all don the bikkini: "Check me out, I am woman (with child) hear me roar." Well, see me roar.

It was during this time that I decided that I was going to do my best to try and love my body what ever the shape and size even after I was pregnant. It became clear to me that my body image had too much to do with others not myself. My husband has always declared that he loved the way I looked and had never done or said anything for me to doubt him. Then why did I want to "have a flatter stomach, or lose 10 lbs" all the time? Because I was constantly bombarded w/images that told me I should, that's why.

I want more for my daughters. I want them to feel the way I did when I was pregnant, all the time. The only way they would learn is by example. Right now, as young children they are not self-concious at all. After bath time we often have trouble getting them to don pjs. They love to run around the house "nekkid and when we catch up with them, they shake thier booties at us." Guess I should stop encouraging that one, huh? They like it cause it gets a reaction from us. How to you bottle that self-confidence? I wish I knew. But I do think I know how to help prevent it from slipping away entirely, by example.

So now that I've had a couple of kids, and turned 40 (OMG! I'm still reeling from that number a bit, it's only been a month after all,) my body has changed even more. Yes, I do still long for the 20-something days when everything fit, my stomach was flat and gravity hadn't started to have an effect. When I had the body that gravity and time hadn't taken it's toll on and that I never appreciated until it did. But I don't dwell on it. I don't stand in front of the mirror checking out my nekkid self (I said I'm trying I didn't say I was 100% successful yet,) but I don't critisize myself either any more. (I was pretty notorious for this before.) I've been watching some shows like, "How to Look Good Naked", and how I should dress to draw your eye to my "best features" and I've gotten rid of clothes that are to "hide" my flaws. Irronically, I lost 17 lbs this summer. I wasn't trying it just came off. Am I thrilled w/the result? I like that a whole bunch of old clothes (pre-pregnancy) are fitting again, but otherwise, I'm too busy to really care too much.

After all, my daughter will only want to play Barbies with me for so long. Playing Barbies doesn't matter if you're a size 6 or a size 16, just that you can sit on the floor and pull the doll clothes on and off. I've got that part down.

Opps! Happy New Year!

I guess that probably wasn't so good. I announce I'm going in for back surgery, and then just sort of drop off the face of the Earth for a couple weeks. Opps! Sorry about that. I'm fine. In fact, I'm probably better than fine, so no worries. Like I was told: lots of time laying down or standing up, not so much on the sitting. I end up spending all my computer time on email & Facebook & then not getting on here to post. Not entirely true. I have a video I tried to post on the first of the year, unsuccessfully. It's cute, and I've made several attempts, but it probably isn't worth amount of time I've given it at this point. I think it might be too large for bloger, but it doesn't come back & say that to me, so I'm not positive.

So I'm totally walking around & stuff. Not even shuffling, which was really more of what I expected. I have pain, but it's more from bending, twisting and reaching for things. And a little side note here; you would be amazed at just how much of your movement involves bending, twisting and reaching. Pretty much everything! It's hard to avoid, so my pain pills have been getting their work out for sure. I haven't picked up anything beyond a piece of paper, but I hear if I go over 10lbs I'll find that I regret that movement as well. I went & bought one of those "reacher/grabber" things since I imagine my ability to bend is going to return slowly. Much cooler than the walker I originally pictured myself with when weighing my options in relation to this surgery. Although if I did end up w/a walker you can bet I would totally pimp it out. The grabber has great potential for much fun, as you might imagine, but so far all we've done with it is take it away from the kids. Oh, and LittleSpeak managed to smack me in the face w/it tonight.
Sadly, that's really about it at the house of Speak right now. Daddy has been home all week to help take care of me and the girls. Since I'm not totally incapacitated I imagine he's a bit bored. It has been really nice to have him home during our regular schedule. He worked in BigSpeak's class room this week and has been taking LittleSpeak to and from school. Little things that aren't that big of a deal, but it's a big deal to the girls that their daddy is doing these things right now. I'm sure he'll be glad to get back to work next week and away from my requests for Starbuck runs.

It's Going Around....

Such a fitting title for so many reasons.

Guess what?! I wasn't being a hypochondriac! No really, I had Fifth's Disease. Never heard of it? Well neither had my mom so I've been getting lots of advice from her not to mention it to people cause "it sounds just awful". So supportive, don't you think? We got a notice home from BigSpeak's school about a day before vacation started. Happy Holidays! At that time, LittleSpeak had come down with it and I'd (self-)diagnosed that this is what her and I had, had already. Thank you Dr. Google. It's pretty miserable in general, but in adults you get some added fun; joint pain for up to a month! Not to be left out, BigSpeak showed up w/the rash on December 23. So both girls and I have been run down during most of this month. (That picture w/Santa, probably at the height of our contagiousness, don't say we never gave you anything Santa!) We ended up bowing out of our Christmas Eve dinner and staying home to put the girls to bed early and eat leftovers. The house of Speak knows how to party, let me tell you.

The family illness coupled w/the busyness of the season along w/trying to get my family/house ready for my surgery equals "not much posting," you may have noticed. On the other hand, I may need to join a self-help group for my Facebook addiction. I don't actually spend as much time as it might seem on it. I leave it open all day & periodically check it/update my status while I'm in the kitchen doing other things, like cooking breakfast, etc... My extended family thinks I sit waiting for people to update their status though, so I felt the need to clarify. I feel better now, thanks. ;-)

In spite of all of this, we did manage to get in quite a bit of traditional holiday fare; caroling w/BS's girl scout troop, seeing the Nutcracker ballet, holiday parties, driving around to check out over-the-top Christmas lights, etc... but it's been hectic to say the least.

I have so many good stories from this month, I'm hopeful that during my convalesce I'll be coherent enough to share them. Go read Mike and Mir, their stories today are typical of the type I have to share with you. LittleSpeak has been up to her usual tricks and is both trying and adorable at the same time. It's amazing to me how much I can love that little bundle of energy and be just enraged by her at the same time. She is definitely the daughter my mother wished on me as a teenager: "I hope you have a daughter exactly like you!" BigSpeak has had some of her own trying moments this month as we try to work out her homework vs. play/T.V. schedule. Being a big kid is not easy. That's not to say that this month hasn't been fun, cause it has. The girls have been so much fun; they were both really into Christmas this year & that's been a treat. Sometimes I just can't get enough of them you know.

I have my surgery (microdiscectomy) on 12/30. Happy New Year! I'm supposed to have a 6 week recovery; 2 weeks of which will pretty much be flat on my back (in bed). My doctor has told me I can't really screw it up during recovery, but I certainly can prolong the recovery time. I'm not sure if the end of six week is when I can start to act like a normal person again (i.e.--walk BS the 2 blocks to school again) or if I should be back up normal by then (able to walk for 30+ minutes if I wanted to). I'm under the impression it's more the first choice, but I'll have to check on that. Hopefully, I'll be posting much more very soon, since I'm going to find myself quite stationary w/only my laptop to play with. This is most likely my last post of the year, so

Happy New Year!!!

Talk to you Next year! (Hee, yes I'm like 9 or something.)

While I was sick....

We did manage this during one of the hours I was feeling slightly ok last week:

It's come to this....one post a week

I've got a few free, coherent moments here while DaddySpeak is bathing the girls, so lets see what I can get done.

I've spent the majority of the first week of being 40 in bed (it's not starting out well). I came down w/a flu I guess. No fever and my stomach was fine, but I had chills and aches like I never knew was possible. I'd have them for 24 hours and then feel better for 24 and be back at it again. There was also a 36 hour period which included a particularly bad migraine, just to mix it up a little. My mom was suggesting the my Fibro was back in full swing, which could be the case, but I'm refusing to accept that, and sticking w/the flu story. This afternoon I'm feel so much better that I'm believing my version.

In the interim;
LittleSpeak's school has "drop-in" which isn't cheap, but when you need it, like I did this week, it is the most rock'n invention evah! All praise the daycare Gods now please.

One thing about being sick, you stop worrying about all the things you need to get done and just focus on making it to the next hour. I had a fun morning w/LittleSpeak when I laid on a mattress on her floor (she'd fallen out of bed the night before) while she played "mommy" w/her babydoll. She rocked her, and changed diapers, and told me to be quiet because the baby was sleeping. It was pretty relaxing & very fun to just "be" with her for a change.

I "forgot" to pick up BigSpeak from school one day this week. Actually, it was the day of the migraine & I'd called neighbors for her to walk to school with in the AM. They offered to walk her home after, but I told them I'd call cause I felt like I might be getting better. (HA!) So I set an alarm & crashed on the couch. When the alarm woke me I was worse, so I thought, "I'd better call to have M walk BS home." Next thing I knew the phone was ringing w/the room mom calling me. I was in the middle of a dream in which I was calling M to walk BS home, so I was super confused. M was there and the room mom was like "no problem", but by the time M got to my house I realized what was going on and was so embarressed! I'm pretty sure my "death warmed over" appreance and the fact that I couldn't look in the direction of the door "bright light! bright light!" made her realize I was, in fact, in need of medical attention.

FORTY, it's the new 30

Yup, today's the day. I'm officially in my mid-life. I think I'm advanced, since I've seemed to be in crisis for years now. ;-)

I'm not really freaked out by it, but it does seem weird. I don't feel 40. Mostly, I feel tired, but that's not due to my age so much. (It might have something to do with the fact that I'm up past 1 AM blogging. You think?)

I do remember being a teenager and thinking, OMG! Forty is OLD! Cause it was, you know. But these baby boomers, with their refusing to grow old gracefully are just redefining what's "appropriate" at what age and it's different now. I was 19 when my mom turned 40. Hah! I have a 5 & 2 YO. She was "finishing up" and I'm just getting started. In a lot of ways I relate much more with that 21YO my mom was than her 40YO self. In a lot of ways, I can't relate to her at all, but that's another post.

So, what am I doing on the first day of my midlife??? Yeah, I'm sitting at home waiting for the washer repair guy to show up. Yeah, I'm living it up! No slowing down for me.

Ok, we are going out on Saturday night (folks are keeping the girls overnight) . I'm sure there will be some pix to follow.

Get Down with the Sickness

Yeah, so this is how my life works; two steps backward, one step forward. But hey, it was only one step back overall, right?

The in laws left on Monday morning.
BigSpeak barfed her guts out Sunday about 1 AM.
Oh, and my washing machine has been broken since Friday before last (every time they come to visit we have an appliance casualty, but that's fodder for another post,) it'll be fixed until next Friday. Yes, that's two weeks without one.

So Sunday night (Monday morning) at 1 AM I was bathing a crying child, stripping a bed & remaking it, scrubbing sheets, night clothes, pillows, etc...in a sink, spot scrubing rugs and then cleaning the bathroom. My idea of a good time, don't you think?

That's the two steps back part.

On the bright side (I guess you could call it that), the second time she got sick she was in the bathroom & she did make it into the toilet. And, while the washer is broken, my MIL insisted on doing 10 loads of laundry at the laundermat before she left. Also, we have home warrentry coverage on the washer. Instead of costing $400-500 it's costing $55.

That would be that one step forward.

Big Girl Bed

There are no more babies in my house.
Only children who sleep in regular beds.

Sigh.

I'm going to go smell our neighbor's newborn now; so my ovaries can ache along with my heart.

Am I Overthinking this?

So yeah, it's been rough this last week or so. In-laws are visiting now, so I'm getting some help, but generally I'm wondering if I should've just had the surgery and missed a few things, but been done with it. I knew I'd do this though, and I have a date set, so I just need to suck it up and take lots of pictures, right?

LittleSpeak has gone 4 nights in a row of staying bed. Wahoo!!! I give her a gummy in the morning if she stays in bed all night & it seems to be working. It was also working for her seatbelt until today. Bah! I knew the gummy would be short-lived as a motivator, but I'd hoped she'd be mature enough to at least deal w/her seatbelt when it did. Silly me. I've seen the kiddie shrink 2x now and one thing I brought up is that I think LittleSpeak may have some sensory issues. I'll explain why in a minute, but upon looking for a tool to help keep the seatbelt on her I'm reading more and more stuff that really sounds like her AND falls into the realm of sensory issues. Her shrink agreed w/me that it does sound like that might be the part of the problem but suggested to me that if I had her tested she's not really sure what I'd do with that information. Upon some of the reading I just did I'm wondering how good this kiddie shrink really is, it's pretty apparent there are quite a few tools for the things that LittleSpeak seems to have issues with, which, one would think, she ought to know.

Here's the the clues I've gotten about possible sensory issues with her; she doesn't want to be restricted in any way, shape or form; includes clothing, sock & shoes, seatbelts, etc... This escalating to that point that she won't wear certain kinds of clothing now and the seatbelt in the car is a constant battle (she can get it off). She has been complaining a lot lately about things beeing too loud, even when they arent'. She also wants a blanket or 3 on her to sleep. I understand wanting that sense of weight I'm the same way to a degree, but I'm beginning to feel that she needs that sense of weight on her in order to settle down. The waking up in the middle of the night could be because she didn't have the weight on her and it was freaking her her out. I believe I'm going to make the phone calls tomorrow to have her tested. If she's not great! If she is, I don't want to make her suffer, especially not when I know there are tools to help her deal with it.

Of course, there's a part of me that's concerned that I'm totally being a helicoper mom and overthinking some pretty normal toddler stuff. If you know anything about sensory issues leave me your email, I'd love to talk/write to you.

Another Reason for my nomination to Mother of the Year

Does the relief I feel when I’m away from my child make me a bad mom?

Perhaps relief isn’t really a strong enough word to describe it. Little Speak She’s LOVES it. I have to remind her to kiss me goodbye when I drop her off. And when I pick her up I get a look that says, “oh, you’re still around?”

On Tuesdays, I work in BigSpeak’s (BS) class so I only have about an hour sans kids, but Thursday? Glorious, beautiful Thursday? That’s my new favorite day of the week. I get 3, count them, 3 glorious child-free hours on Thursday. And at the end of those 3 hours, I get 3 hours of just BS. In some respects, that practically child-free. My stress level has dropped exponentially this week. I actually made it to dinner 3 nights this week (I usually pass out in pain, waiting for the pain pills to take effect w/in 10 mins of Daddy Speak (DS) getting home.) Having time away from LS is making me a better mom. I can’t say she isn’t still driving me insane, but actually getting a true break from her is making a world of difference.

Things with her, have gotten so bad that our pediatrician actually referred us to a “behaviorist:” read: kiddie shrink. Ironically, I believe, (on my own,) I discovered my child’s kryptonite: Gummies. Today she peed in the potty for one, (that was the ground shaking you felt) and I’ve gotten through 3 days w/out having to pull the car over because she’d taken off her seatbelt (yes, she’s in a 5-point harness, but this kid is wicked smart, has incredible motor skills and determined is too mild a word to describe her.) Whenever she starts to pull the seatbelt off, which is often these days, (she hates restraint on any level,) I pull the car over and put it back on. If we have the time, I just sit until she sees fit to put it back on herself. But this week, I promised a gummy if she kept the belt on for a whole ride to the grocery store and it worked. So as long as it works, I’ll bribe her. All hail the Halloween Gods! I’ll pay for the dental work if it means it’ll help me keep my kid safe enough to be alive to have the dental work done.

I realize as I'm writing this that there’s a lot going on w/LS and it’s a large part of the reason the pain in my back has been so bad. It’s been so bad that I haven’t been up to writing about it. Now that I’m getting a few hours to rest, I’m seeing the forest for the trees and you‘ll be getting to hear more about it. I won’t be winning any awards for mom of the year, but when you hear some of this stuff, you’ll be amazed that I haven’t paid the gypsies to take her. I guess I'm hopeful that I can teach her to use her powers for good instead of evil. So far, I seem to be losing that battle.

The really scary part: she’s only TWO. I can NOT imagine what the teenage years are going to be like.

Life

I know it's been awhile. My back has been bad. I'm scheduled for surgery on Dec. 30th. I know, Happy New Year. We know how to celebrate 'round here. I had an exam with the neurosurgeon week before last and it really screwed things up. I was doing better before that, but in January I should be "over it". Right? I'm hopeful.

LittleSpeak is still on a roll. She's good as long as she's getting your full attention and you're doing something she really wants to be doing; playing outside, at Pump It Up, gymnastics, etc... If not, well all bets are off. The last two nights she has finally slept the full nights; we've been through 2 months of her trying to get us to let her sleep in our bed. Two-three times a night she'll wake up screaming for us. She was coming into our room so we put a gate in her doorway. Each of these episodes consists of us putting her back to bed 6-8 times. It makes for long nights. It's been weird, both my girls have always been such good sleepers and now, out of the blue, she pulls this. Knock on wood, I think we're done with this episode.

All things considered, I have finally decided to put her into preschool. I signed her up for two full days a week. Once I have my surgery I'll need to have someone to watch her during the two weeks following, so I figured it made sense to set her expectation now. I've taken her over there 2x this week and let her play with the kids and she's had fun, so hopefully she won't give me too hard a time about it. DaddySpeak will be home the week of the surgery and my folks will pitch in to help watch the girls, but it's a six week recovery, so I need some other soloutions too. Having her in school will give all of us a break. I'm also hopeful that being in school will also maybe get her to chill out a bit too.

There have been a lot of things going on, holidays and all, but one of the bigest things is that I'll start to feel better, but then I do something and end up laid up for a couple days. So we did make it to the pumpkin patch, and BigSpeak's school's Halloween Festival, things like that, but after each of those things I've ended up a mess for a couple days. So that's the reason for my absence. I have lots of things to blog about and hopefully I'll be starting to feel better so that I can tell you about them.

Yes. We. Can. Yes. We. Did. And, Yes. We. Will.

I know it's old, but it encompasses a lot of my emotions right now.

The Change I Believe In

I'm so very excited right now. DaddySpeak and I are watching the election coverage, along w/so very many other people we know. I know this because I'm on Facebook, and so are many of my friends. The social colective in this milenium. I would never have thought I'd actually plan to watch this on purpose. Usually on election night I would turn the tv off, or watch a movie, because who really wants to watch election coverage? Tonight, I do.

For the first time, in a very, very long time, I am proud to call myself an American. Tonight my country came through on it's promises. It proved to my generation that all those times our parents told us that we could be "anything we want" they spoke the truth. I can't begin to imagine how it feels to be an African American right now. We are witnesing history tonight and I am so very proud of my country.

Happy Halloween!!!

Yes, I'm still alive. I'll hopefully have a few minutes to update you later this weekend.

I Scoff at Your Safety Devices!

Yes, now be sure to say that title w/a crappy Russian accent and flick your hand in the process. That would be my LittleSpeak saying that there. Last week, I suddenly hear BigSpeak calling me, "Mom! LittleSpeak is getting on the counters!" I walk into the kitchen telling LittleSpeak to get down and find:

LittleSpeak with two cupboards open and she is using the "safety locks" (I'm using the term loosely obviously) as footholds to reach things on the counter. Not only can she now open them, she's finding new uses for them. Sorry no photo, I'll try to remember next time. Yes I'm sure there will be a next time with her.

Nothing is too high, too locked away or too guarded from this child. I am begining to believe she just may be all the bad karma I've aquired in my past lives getting even.

Ok, I know that's not nice, but DUDE! I can't catch a break with her. She's smart & has no intention of using her powers for good.

Not much new; still drugged & dragging

The title of this post says it all.

I'm actually trying to get some info on a nanny. I'm thinking that I might be able to avoid surgery if I could truly get a month off from picking up LittleSpeak & heavy (or maybe all) housework. We'll see, it's probably cost prohibitive, but hey a girl can dream, right?

I haven't been in such good shape w/my back, so I'm getting the bare minnium accomplished & then collapsing. I'm not sure what I'm going to do next week; DaddySpeak will be away at a confernece. Yikes. I'm trying not to think about it.

LittleSpeak is still in rare form and doing her best to help extend my injury. I'm at a loss with her, time-outs don't bother her, there just isn't a form of punishment that has any impact with her. Yesterday she used the baby locks as a step to get on top of the kitchen counter. She looks at our safety devices and says "I scoff at you!" Seriously, I was putting shoes next to the stairs, so it's not like I wasn't right there when this happened. She's fast. Really fast. Luckily, we have a latch at the very top of our front door, or well, you get the idea.

Oh, lets not forget the transmission that is going out in our van. Yeah! One more thing I need to deal with. Wo hoo! And the cherry on my sundae: I'm getting a cold. That's what I need.

I really need a break. Yes?

Life, it is plotting against me.

Hi Internet,

I'm here, I haven't forgotten you I'm just having a really rough time of it these days. The outcome from meeting w/the surgeon is that I'm basically going to end up having surgery it's just a matter of when; you know, when I can't stand the pain any longer. The recommendation is for a microdiscectomy which, in light of what it could be, is probably the best I could've hoped for. This doctor does want you to stay overnight in the hospital (to make sure there's no unforeseen complications) but most do the surgery as an outpatient procedure, so that should tell you something right there. The worst part (at least it seems like it from here) is the recovery; where I'm down on my back for several weeks (like 6). No nothing for a full week, no driving for over 2 weeks, no house cleaning/picking up kids, etc....for the next 6 or so. I would need some help to say the least. On top of this, my mom has a torn miniscus, so she needs to have surgery and won't be able to help me until she's resolved that issue. In the meantime, I'm still trying not to take my pain pills unless absolutely necessary, and when there's another adult present, but these last couple weeks have shown the other adult option is negociable; the pain has gotten pretty bad at times. I need to get a second opinion and then assuming it's going to be this surgery figure out how and when we can pull this off. I don't know how the heck I'm going to be able to just turn it all off for that length of time. I'm freaking out about it when I think about it for too long so moving on....

To add to the fun LittleSpeak has been sick this last week (BigSpeak the week before, now she just has the rotten cold part). LS has been getting up no later than 5 AM for over week now. She comes in our room at that time w/a fever, so I give her tylenol & put her in bed with us to go back to sleep; only not much sleep is happening for me after that point. Her fever then goes again until is shows up at 5 AM again the next day. Weird. Yesterday was the first morning when she did not have a fever, but she's apparently decided she likes this wake up time and getting into bed to "play" w/mama. Mama is not enjoying this so we are "crying it out" (CIO) if earlier than 5 AM (has happened), DaddySpeak has to get up to do the CIO as my back is already shot from all the lifting of her I'm doing during the day. I'm hopeful, but not that optimistic, that she will go back to sleeping later than this, I need life to cut me a break somewhere!

I did go visit my primary care physican to discuss my weight loss, BP, etc....I can tell she just thinks I'm not eatting as much as I think I am, but is running some blood tests to see if anything pops up. BTW, my BP that day was 86/60, so the lowness of it doesn't seem to be a fluke.

I'm trying to maintain a "normal" life in the midst of this; BigSpeak is going to start Daisy Scouts next week, I'm working in her classroom, walking her to and from school everyday, gymnastics on Tuesdays for BS and Wednesdays for LS. There are a lot of days when I walk BS to school and then come crash on the couch w/my feet up and either get LS to let me read to her or play pretend with her until it's time to walk to pick up BS. It's very, very frustrating to say the least. Hopefully, I will start to get more rest this week and then can get back to my regularly scheduled posting, hahahahahahaha.

Lost in Space

That's kind of how I feel these days. The beginning of last week my back pain got so back that I was getting chills from it, and then later, having trouble forming coherent sentences, I wish I was joking. I broke down & took pain pills that day. I decided the pills couldn't make me any loopier then I already apparently was. I had my appointment w/the neurosurgeon and since it's almost 2 AM I'm going to keep it quick and say; he recommend surgery. That's a big surprise, coming from a surgeon and all. I'll give you more on that later.

BigSpeak was also sick during part of this week; the joys of going to school. LittleSpeak woke us at 5 AM with the fever. Fun! And I have started with the sore throat tonight. I also spent most of my day exhausted & sleeping on the couch.

this is why I've been MIA this week. Hopefully, more tomorrow; when I'm sick and lying around.

Avast Me Harties!

I'm sure I totally misspelled that, but it's Pirate Speak, I'm not sure pirate were really known for their spelling abilities.
Anywho, Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day! My favorite holiday; drink rum, sing, talk funny, wear cool hats. What more could you want in a holiday?

Now go out there and annoy the crap out of everyone.

Super Nanny meet LittleSpeak

This weekend LittleSpeak started a new phase. I think it's her "monkey" phase. Although I may rename it her "get sold to the gypsies" phase.

If you've ever watched the show Super Nanny you've seen the families' who have the kids who won't sleep in their own beds. Usually these kids have been sleeping in mom & dad's bed. Let it be known here, the Speak kids do not sleep in our bed. It's happened probably once with each child. In each case, child was sick or had a bad dream, so we let them crawl in with us. In both cases no one really slept all that well, lots of tossing and turning, etc... And in both cases, I can't tell you when those happened they were so long ago; less than 2 years, but not by much. So knowing that, what started this weekend with LittleSpeak surprised us to say the least.

Friday night she decided she wasn't going to bed. I laid her down and she started crying. I said good night & closed the door, usually she rolls over and goes to sleep. This night she promptly climbed over the railing of her crib and came out crying, looking for me. After the 3rd time, I lowered her crib rail since it being higher obviously wasn't deterring her from climbing out. A few more rounds of this and I called DaddySpeak to come help. (I'm not really supposed to be lifting her a lot with my back and all.) Super Nanny indicates that you don't want to engage them, you just turn them around, put them back in bed and leave. Engaging, including just talking, is giving them the attention they seek. After 80 rounds (yes, I counted) and an hour an a half we got her to finally stay in bed. Good thing they go to bed at 7:30, eh?

Saturday, nap time, round two. DaddySpeak ran interference since my back was not doing well at all at this point. She was taking longer between attempts so he was in the next room on the computer. BigSpeak was playing in the backyard & wanted to show me her latest trick on the monkey bars. I guess LittleSpeak could hear us, cause the next thing I know I see her little, tear-soaked face at the window. This means she climbed out of her crib, up the changing table and was standing on the changing table in order to see out the window. Since DaddySpeak couldn't hear me yelling for him, I sent BigSpeak up to tell DaddySpeak to get in her room while I kept her talking. I think it goes without saying that the changing table is now out of her room. That was her 30th attempt. Chalk that round up to her as we decided the nap was off at that point.

Luckily Saturday night she was so tired she passed out as soon as she hit the mattress. Yeah!

We've decided she's given up her naps for now; when she needs them she goes down really easily for us, but when she doesn't the effort and time is futile. How am I supposed to get my naps in now???

Sunday night, round three! She started the same as Friday night's episode, only this time she started to tell me she wanted to "sleep in mama's bed". I have no idea what made her think that was an option. DaddySpeak came up to help out and this time it only lasted nine attempts. But she wasn't through with us. Sneaky girl that she is, she showed up in our room at 3 AM and started all over. Not sure if that was a continuation of round 3 or a new round 4. (And really, too tired to care.) After returning her to bed the 3 time, I woke DaddySpeak to take watch. He got to do another 3 attempts (I think) and then she was done.

Tonight she went right down. Of course, the night is young...

I'm exhausted, but I stayed up to write about it for you Internet, don't say I don't love you! ;-)

Creative Me

This has been a hard week. My back is only getting worse; I had a dr. appt today & an MRI now on Monday. BigSpeak got sick yesterday afternoon (fever and throwing up, just fever now) and still is, and LittleSpeak is busy being LittleSpeak in the middle of it all. I haven't written about my back this week because it's rehashing the same old thing, but today I hit a new low. I called DaddySpeak at work & asked him to please come home. With one child I can more or less pull it off, but with two; one sick and the other wanting lots of attention, I just couldn't pull it off. I needed to lie down for at least 10 mins ever half hour (that's how I've made it through the week so far) & it just wasn't happening. DS was a trooper and took a taxi from South City to his car in the South Bay (he takes a van pool). Luckily his company allows for this type of thing once a quarter and will cover what I'm sure was a very expensive ride. I popped a couple pain pills and parked myself on the couch w/lots of support pillows, and promptly passed out. I'm just so exhausted from the pain. I'll let you know more on this when I do, my current dr believes that they will be recommending surgery, but I'm holding out hope. I just don't feel like I'm at that point yet. I'm not sure what that point will be, but it will be before I permanently have a dropped foot. And the point I'm at now is unacceptable. I can't care for my kids!

In spite of the above, I am doing something "just for me" this week, and loving it. I haven't really been cropping the last several months. I guess it was just feeling a little stale, so I signed up for a class at Jessica Sprague.com . I'm loving it. The class I signed up for is a writing class, it was the next one offered and I was feeling desperate. My degree is in communications, which is more than half writing, although you probably can't tell from the way I usually write here. I didn't realize how much I missed writing. I wouldn't say anything in the class has been "new" for me. Most of the techniques were ones I've done in school or at work at some point. But having someone assign me a topic and homework is really helping to get me inspired. We are given a new writing "technique" one day and the next we use our journal entries to help create a new page. In addition, we're getting new templates, papers, etc...to help in designing our pages which is always fun. I can't believe how much inspiration I'm getting from doing this. I'm so excited I'm signing up for the next class (an intermediate photoshop class) next month. I'm excited to be excited about something for me for a change.

The page we did yesterday was about ourselves, something most scrapbookers are notoriously poor about doing. The shoemakers kids have no shoes kind of thing.... It's the first page I've ever done about myself & I really enjoyed doing it. I'm really happy with the result, so I decided to share it here. (Pix is from BigSpeak's first day of school & the photo is offset because she's right next to me, but I also think it brought in a cool artistic effect...at least I'm going to keep telling myself that.)
Tell me you love it, even if you think it's lame. I'm really proud of it.

Potty Watch 2008: It's a Double!

BabySpeak surprised all of us tonight. Not only did she use the potty, but she POOPED!

Yes, the MommySpeak blog has hit a new low, we're talking about poop. Wohoo!

Tonight I went to put her on my lap so we could read before bed. She arched her back & told me "poop, mommy". I checked her diaper & told her she didn't have one. I picked her up again & she gave me the answer. I checked once more (just to be sure) and decided she was about to go. I ran her into the bathroom & put her on the potty. And. She. Went!

We did the potty dance. She got a couple M&Ms (even though she had already brushed her teeth and was about to go to bed). We called both sets of grandparents and I let her tell them herself. We went into her sissy's room so we could tell her and get more hugs and dancing. Tomorrow, after we drop Big Speak off at school we will be heading to the toy store so she can pick out a toy. I believe it will a baby who goes pee.

How appropriate.

Potty Watch 2008: Foul Ball!

Note: This post was written September 1st.

Well Summer is winding down and so is the end of baseball season. It is ending soon ,right?

I only know this cause HOCKEY starts so soon! Let's all just take a moment here to pause and thank the Hockey Gods for all that is good and holy about hockey.

Ok, so...

I haven't said anything in a while about the whole potty training debacle going on in our house. Mostly cause it's pretty much all debacle, and not so much on the training part. I know LittleSpeak is only 28 months so it's not like she's late on this subject. The thing is, I happen to know the kid is actually trained. She chooses not to go until you put a diaper on her. For this reason, I am slowly and painfully going insane. (As if there was any doubt, she is obviously the daughter my mother wished on me; "I hope you have a daughter just like you!" It wasn't said with love folks.) If I didn't think she was interested or wasn't ready (or already trained for that matter) it would be fine. But I feel like the kid is taunting me. Anyone who knows anything about this subject will agree that it is much easier to do this during the summer, so I decided to give it another try during Labor Day weekend.

I striped the kid of her diaper in the AM & let her run around nekkid from the waist down while we're home. The potty is sitting on a mat in front of the TV (for her convenience) and no pull-ups or diapers will be provided. (I have to keep them up high or she'll try to put them on.) Problem is; we have to leave the house occasionally. At which time I put a pull-up or diaper on her. This child can hold it for up to 7 hours! I'm not exaggerating. Once she has that diaper on she lets it all go. She has the kegal muscles of a ....(who would be a good comparison for this? I'm not sure I want to know). On Monday, it finally caught up with her; she had an accident. She pooped herself. She stood next to the mat (not on it mind you) and pooped all over my rug. Then she shrieked as if someone had just torn her finger off. DaddySpeak got there first (and got to clean up, lucky him!) She wasn't happy about this, so we'll see what happens next time. It'll be a bit harder to maintain during the week, so we'll see.

Sexism or Family-ism

I’m going to come clean right off. I live in a VERY blue state. I live in the bluest part of that blue state too. I’m registered Democrat, (so I can vote in the primaries) but really I’m much more socialist or liberal to be honest. So right off, it’s not a big surprise that I’m not planning on voting Republican. I’m not a fan of this war. When we went to war I wrote a letter to my unborn baby (BigSpeak) to tell her that regardless of what history will show her parents did not support this decision and why. Even if it turned out that invading Iraq was a good thing, we still felt it was the wrong thing. Since then, the war has gone less than stellar (many things I wrote in my letter showed to be true) my opinions on that subject have only strengthened.

So that being said, there’s been a lot of buzz about Sarah Palin. Since I’m not planning on voting for anyone from the party, her nomination doesn’t really concern me. However, I do have some opinions about her and her choices. I’ve made a few comments to some posts on some blogs already. But now I’m hearing that the opinions I’ve expressed are “sexist”. Interesting. I’ve never thought of myself that way before. I’m pretty certain no one has ever accused me of anything related to that before. Just to clarify, I’d like to address what my issue is and why I don’t think it’s sexist. I think my opinion is more family-ism. Yes, that is totally a word.

She had a baby FOUR months ago. That woman is obviously made of steel or something. Four months after I had my baby I was barely making it out of the house. I have a lot of respect for her ability to get it together. I'm barely getting it together and my "baby" is 2. But then I'm not running for office either.

My first concern has to do with the fact that she has a special needs child who is under a year. During my first pregnancy I had a “scare “ and did some research about down’s syndrome babies. I found that your first year with that child is really no different than any other baby. After that first year, you start to learn the scope of the your child’s disability. There’s a lot of unknowns related to this, often other birth defeats are not uncommon. I think that her family and child deserve her full attention during this time.

Secondly her 17YO is 5 months pregnant. This is not new news to her. She made the decision to run for a national office knowing that her daughter would paraded out for the public controversy that would inevitably ensue. I don't begrudge her or what happened to her daughter. It is what it is, and I hope for the best for them all. It's going to be hard for everyone involved. I understand having strong personal career aspirations, but I also understand that parenting involves sacrifices. I believe that this is one of those times when a sacrifice might have been the better choice. Is running for this office in the best interest of her family and in turn herself during this time frame?

Either of these issues is a major thing for any family to be going through. Both of them, at the same time???? Talk about having a lot on your plate! I would question any candidate (male or female) about their decision making process in this situation. Perhaps the media wouldn’t have brought up this issue for a man, but I can honestly say that I would have. I just think that her family has a couple of very, very stressful years ahead of them. I understand her husband can take the lead on the family matters, but I don’t think taking on a national office and the sacrifices it will entail is the most responsible choice. Knowing that her family has these issues to deal with in the next couple years says volumes about her decision making. Add to that, the fact that she is running on a platform of “family values” and I would say it equals hypocrisy at best.

I could say more on the subject, but really that what it comes down to for me. I think her family should be the focus for them right now; husband and wife. Making the decision to allow her focus to be elsewhere, definitely makes me question her decision making ability. I don't think that's sexism, I think it's about putting your family first.

The Incredible Shrinking Woman

Of course, now that I'm mentioning it, I'll probably going to jinx it and gain all of it back. I actually do not know how much weight I've actually lost, I don't own a scale, I'd rather depend on how my clothes fit (It's not what I weigh, it's what I look like I weigh, right?). Since I've quit my job I've gone down 3 dress sizes. Yes, Three.



Here's the kicker, I don't know why. Am I dieting, not really. I've been sort of low-carb, but honestly I haven't been that great about it. I haven't been horrible either.



I haven't been "working out". Shoot, with my back being so bad lately I haven't walked much lately, much less worked out.



I'll tell you what is different:



1. I've been nauseated since the month of June. In fact, I was nauseated for pretty much the entire month of June. I lost a chunk of weight in that month, about 8 lbs (my mom has a scale). But, now in September, it's clear that I've continued to lose. I stopped being nauseated 24/7 after about a month, but I still feel queasy at least a couple times a day. I can say my eating has been cut down because of this. It's not uncommon for me to only get one meal or a granola bar in a day. (It's all I can stomach.)



2. I'm chasing a 2YO all day every day. At work I got to sit & play on the web for hours, and now, not so much. I don't even get to sit to check my email, so I think this is the real reason.



I have a theory that my nausea is being cause by low Blood Pressure (BP), so I have an appointment w/my doctor at the end of the month. If I'm right, this could also be part of reason too. I don't recommend this method of losing weight.

Still Resolute

I've been meaning to write a post about my resolutions for a while now. I've been working on them (most of them) all year, but just hadn't gotten around to an update. So tonight I pulled my old post to see how long it's been. I almost fell off the couch laughing. It's a good thing keep up my posting on my resolutions wasn't part of them, cause I've failed miserably on that part. I updated them ONCE! Ummm, yeah. Well, even though I haven't been mentioning it, I have been working on them. So, even though you probably don't care, da da da dummmmm, here's the current update on them:

1) Get our finances in order
Well I obviously did a lot more then indicated in those last posts. Because of my efforts on this topic I was able to QUIT MY JOB in April. OMG, I’m still pinching myself over it. The outcome of this was to find out that we are on track for retirement and the girls college (assuming they aren’t asking for a full ride to Stanford). I do have some follow up items to help consolidate where all of our accounts are located.
Goal for week: Get consolidation paperwork (which has been sitting on my counter for months) out the door.
This is an ongoing goal, so for all intensive purposes I consider this goal ACHIEVED for this year.
b. Set up plan to get legal stuff (ie—living trust, define who the kids would go to, etc…)updated.
Ummm yeah. Not so much done on this one.
Goal this week: Make that phone call!

2) Get the house completely unpacked.
a. Spare bedroom & den still have boxes that haven’t been unpacked. (Gee do you think we still need this stuff?)
Umm..yeah. This one is lagging as well. Big surprise. DaddySpeak has moved things around a bit. And I’ve pulled together a few boxes for recycling, but honestly nothing to write home about. I did get a dent made in the spare bedroom, but that was after it got much worse for a while due to an influx of hand-me-downs.
Goal this week: spend 10 mins in spare bedroom every day (cleaning out/purging). Dude, I’d be happy if I got ONE day in this week.

3) Get all the rooms decorated; still have pix to be hung, etc…
No where near where I’d like to be on this one, but progress has been made. I had a photoshoot of the girls in July & then purchased a ridiculous amount of prints, but hey, it’s “art” right? The result is that some of the rooms in our house are looking pretty good. It’s moving along.
Goal for week: Hang at least one print/pix.

4) Follow the Flylady system again (the other stuff will fall into place if I stick with it)
Afraid this one is still where it was at the beginning of the year. I’m not sure why but for some reason I just can’t seem to get off my arce & just do it. I know it works, I just need to do it. I have been taking small steps, (baby steps!!!) so it’s not a lost cause, but if I would hunker down & do it, life would get a lot simpler.
Goal for this week: I will both update my calendar & write out/time my evening routine.

5) Define house projects we’d like to do, prioritize them, budget them out & move on them (if I do #1 and #4 this will actually start to happen.)
I did do the spreadsheet on this one. And some of them have actually happened. But new things get added & reprioritize things, so it’s hard to remember how far we’ve come.
Goal for week: reassess spreadsheet & tackle a new project.

6) Walk for 30 mins at least 3x a week.
I’m hoping to get going on this again. My back is tentatively better right now (knock on wood) so tomorrow I’m going to try adding the 30 min walk after we drop BigSpeak off at school. OF NOTE: A large part of my reason for wanting to do this was to try and drop some inches/pounds. In the last 3 months I’ve gone down 3 (yes, THREE) dress sizes. I kid you not. I don’t know how much I’ve lost cause I don’t own a scale, but I do know that I really, really need to go shopping for some clothes cause all of my shorts and pants are HUGE on me. I'm going to write about how this happened later this week.
Goal for week: walk for 30 mins at least 1x this week.

7) Get hair free (except my head) by EOY.
This is almost complete. I took the bull by the horns and got this done. All I can say is, “why didn’t I do this sooner!!!” For the first time in years I’m considering wearing a regular bathing suit (instead of board shorts) because my bikini line isn’t full of in-grown hairs. I know TMI, sorry. The shaving I do have to do is only about every 2 weeks now. Yeah I know. AWESOME! I was very, very expensive, but worth every damn penny. If you're even thinking about doing this, by all means find a way!
Goal for week: schedule next appointment.
I consider this goal ACHIEVED.

So two of my 7 have been achieved. Not so bad for a girl who updated once, huh? I'm motivated to get a few more check marks in the done column now.

Have your resolutions fallen by the wayside? What have you completed?