Say What?...

 I wrote the following in the beginning of November.  I wanted to have a little more information about what was happening before I posted this.  Thing was, life happened; the holidays, etc... And this topic snowballed on us.  I'm finally coming up for air.  I debated about discussing this at all.  It's not my topic to discuss, really.  But, so much of my life has been consumed by this, if I intend to keep blogging I need to talk about it.  So, I'm going to post this now, so you can catch up to why my attendance on the interwebs has been so spotty.  I also think you should know, I'm sharing this from my perspective. My daughter's issues are not unique or earth shattering, but they have consumed us to a large degree these last several months.  I'm walking a fine line, trying to find our new "normal." Hang w/me & be patient, I can sure use the support...

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You might remember that LittleSpeak, (Little,) started kindergarten this year.  Or you may have been living under a rock.  ;-)  She's very pleased that she's finally at the same school as her sister.  While she's still somewhat annoyed that she doesn't get to have lunch or recess with the big kids, it's a start.  I also think she likes having a couple hours of mommy to herself every day still too.   Now, back in my day, kindergarten was more about learning social skills, art, music and your letters.  (Yeah, I'm old, I get it.)  At some point in the last 35 years, or so, kindergarten has become really focused on reading.  Yeah, there are kids who haven't had a bit of pre-school and don't know their alphabet, but by March they are ALL reading.  BigSpeak's class included.
I've previously mentioned that several members of my family has had learning disabilities, myself included.  Some were/are quite obvious; I can't spell phonetically, because I can't hear the difference between certain sounds.  I do have an impressive memory, which is how I managed this little problem.  Every word I know how to spell is from memory.  Spell check would've made my life much easier, but I was born w/the dinosaurs, so yeah that.  I had a few other issues, but that's the one that still plagues me.  Some of the issues other family members have dealt with were not as obvious, but could quite easily delay your ability to move forward in school.  Those of us who have been affected, have developed coping mechanisms and/or have gotten help.  With that in mind, there have been a few clues that Little may have an "issue" or two in this area.  We were actually going to have her tested last year, but decided to wait till after the holidays and then the thing that was making me wonder, (blended sounds, or her lack of ability with them, at all,)  seemed like it might be resolving itself.  We decided to wait and see if just being in kindergarten would work things out.  If you know Little, she is not going to do anything unless she decides to do it.  She wasn't all that inclined to write her letters or really be read to before this school year, but I knew when her kindergarten teacher told her she needed to do it, she would.  (She has loved to "read" for a long time, but she wants to do it herself.  So will sit in her bed "reading" or looking at the pictures.  There's merit to this type of reading too.)

A few weeks ago, Little told me she went w/Mrs. S, (teacher's aide,) and the reading group that day.  She was very pleased that she had been picked to go.  I know from Big's last several years that Mrs. S is the aide who comes into the class and works with kids who are having trouble keeping up, specifically in reading.   I was a bit surprised when Little told me, and thought maybe Mrs. S works w/other groups of children as well.  I asked Little who else was in her group and the names she gave me were the kids who were behind in reading skills. And suddenly, red lights were flashing in my brain.  Uh, oh.  The next morning at drop-off, Little's teacher mentioned that she had not gotten to tell me that she'd sent Little w/the reading group, I told her Little had mentioned it and I would send her an email.  "We need to talk." I covered the family history and previous concerns we've had w/Little & mentioned that I realize she won't even qualify to be tested at the school.  (Your kid has to have some pretty major issues for the school to instigate the testing.)  But that we also know that if there are problems the sooner we address them the better.  Little's teacher immediately called me back & asked for a conference before school the next day.  (Now, I had red lights & sirens going off in my head.)...

The conference detailed that Little supposedly only knew 4 letters/sounds, (not true, she has 5 letters in her name, and I know she knows them.) She didn't know her sight words, (also news to me, she seems to know them at home).  She was having a really hard time staying focused, not just because she was busy paying attention to everyone else; but also when they were sitting on the floor discussing things on the board.  She would "tune-out." (That doesn't sound like Little AT ALL.)  I shared our family history and more details of issues for which we were concerned.  (Speech related stuff.) "She's too articulate and social to qualify to even be tested by the school."  Yeah, that's the crock of shite I was handed.  So we had her tested privately.  I'll detail that part of the adventure next.

I'm A Slut, How About You?

I know I've been MIA for a month.  That's because I'm getting better, but as I add things I can do to my list I find exhaustion in the evenings.  Not even enough energy to eat dinner some nights.  It's a good problem, I agree.  I'll detail more in the near future, but for now, THIS, (see below,) is high enough on my list that I feel the need to write the following.

 If you don't agree, lucky us we live in a country that allows us to agree to disagree.  But I live in a world where I tell my kids that bullying is not to be tolerated.  So, I'm tired of telling my kid one thing and In Real Life (IRL,) it's totally not the way things are.  I read this article today and I totally agree w/the author; we need to the get out the slut vote.

I'm thinking it's time to embrace our "slutiness." I think we need to make shirts hats & pins that say, " I'm a Slut!" in small letters below, "I support womens' reproductive rights!" I want see these on EVERYONE! Men, women, girls , boys, babies, grandparents, etc... I think it's time to show the ultra-conservatives that we aren't about to be bullied, and our numbers are many. We are the silent majority. But we're sick of their crap.  We're silent because we're busy living our lives; carting around our kids to soccer practice and dance lessons.  We're helping our kids w/their science projects and trying to find out if these organic strawberries are locally farmed.  And we're not popping out babies every other year, or maybe we are, but it's a choice we have, because modern  medicine has evened the playing field for us.  We can plan or families or NOT.  We have CHOICES!  This is because we live in a great country, one that I was brought up to believe takes care of it's own and helps those that are less fortunate.  The nature of politics has become, "We disagree, so I'm right, you're wrong and now I'm going to make it personal, to draw attention away from your arguments,"  Tell you what, I'll stay out of your Viagra conversations Rush, if you stay out of my birth control rights.  It's none of your damn business if I decide to have 2 kids or 12.  And it's none of my business if you have issues that require you to go to the bathroom 12 times a night or need to take something to "finish the job."  Because we're adults and adults respect each others' space.  Being adults, also means we don't call names or try and shame each other into one another person's ideals.  As adults, we're supposed to be respectful and debate on subjects of which we might disagree.  Maybe you missed that day at school, Rush.  I hate the idea that you're getting press time over this, but if the end result is that your voice is pulled from the airwaves, then I'll shout it from the mountain tops!  So back off, Rush.  Us sluts? Quite a few of us are mom's, and there's a lot of us.  You do NOT want us to pull the Mama Bear on you.  There's a reason it's Mama Bear & not Daddy. 

ART & INSPIRATION

My current new addiction online is Pintrest.  If you haven't been there, and you have a life, you may not want to visit.  It's a huge time suck!  Because it's totally made of AWESOME!   A friend described it as a "glossy magazine, but on the internet."  I think that's fairly accurate.  I've acquired some great ideas that I've actually used.  It's mostly kids related stuff, that I've executed on;  holiday food treats.  These have been great because they're super easy & get a lot of bang for not much buck. There's quite a few jokes floating around about all the pinning that gets done, but no one actually executes on anything they see.  I'm telling you now, that's not true.
My point is I spend some time on Pintrest, file that little fact away for now.

Also, I'm still very active w/my digital scrap booking.  I even went to what I would call a "users group" in Las Vegas in October. (AKA - SpragueFest) Cranked out my yearly album before Christmas as usual. As you may have guessed, Pintest is a great resource for different ideas, layouts, inspiration.

Still following me?  Good.

Related: Did you know, I collect quotes?  You probably didn't because it's not something you go around telling people.  But I do.  I love fonts & quotes.  LOVE THEM!!   Pintrest has given me a huge medium to find and share new quotes. I have found my tribe of font & quote collectors.   We enable each other on Pintrest!  I recently combined my love of digital graphics with my love for fonts & quotes.  I found an example of  "XX Ways to Stay Creative" in my ongoing search for new quotes.  There are a few versions of this going around, thus the XX instead of a number.  I thought it would be a great thing to have to hang on the wall in the art studio.  So I made my own version in subway sign style.  I let the girls pick the color & printed it at Costco.  (Good prices for poster boards!  And BTW, great quality.  I print all my photos, scrapbook pages, etc... there.)  Then, I posted my finished digital file on Pintrest to share.  As of 1/9/12, it has been repinned almost 50x!  I've included the file below.  (Easier to read then taking a pix of the one hanging in the studio.  Art Studio sounds way cooler than art room, don't you think?)  I love that something I made and love spoke to so many other people.  The ways I put to be creative are, I think, very in-tune w/both my girls personalities.  I'm thrilled that other people were inspired by it enough, that they wanted to save & share it. It makes my heart happy.

Ok, carry on.  

Little side note; Whenever I read it, the part that says, "Collaborate" & "Listen to New Music."  In my brain, it is always sung as the Vanilla Ice song, "Stop! Collaborate & Listen!" (Now, you have the ear worm too.  My work here is done.)

Inspiration (AKA: I Win At Coolest Mom EVER!)

I am not going to vent & bitch today.
Opps!
Should've told you to sit down, sorry. My bad.  Pick yourself off the floor now.

My daughters are both very into art.  You know how kids have a default activity they tend toward when there's nothing else going on?  It's art for my girls.  They have 2 large drawers in my kitchen desk full of art supplies.  They also have 2 full cabinets in my laundry room of art & craft kits. (Also, paint, fabric markers, playdough & everything else they have to have permission to use.)  So Christmas was coming & I was trying to think what to get them from us.  Santa brings them each a "big" gift (scooter for Big, doll car for Little.)  But we usually give them one "big gift" from us.  Last year it was the trampoline.  So, I'm trying to think of what they love & then what we could get them related to that. I immediately went to ART! Of course!  So, what can I get them, besides more crayons & paper?  It dawned on me.  I'm constantly on them to put their stuff away.  The problem is that they out grew the drawers where they keep their supplies, before we even put the stuff away.  I thought how cool would it be, for all of us, if we could give them an art studio!  That would be very cool, but how do you give them a "studio"?  It's not something you go buy at Target, right?

Read on:

Here's the deal; we have a large "living room" in the front of our house.  In the back we've created a "great room" which includes, the kitchen, a dining area & a "family room."  Next to the kitchen & partly behind the living room is a "formal dining room."  We use the dining room as a dining room about 2x a year, maybe.  The rest of the year, the table becomes a place to put things we don't want to put away.  Last year we replaced the window in there & made it into a sliding door.  Now this room has direct access to the part of the yard, where the trampoline sits.  So the kids are constantly going through that room anyway.  When we moved in, we made our living room into a "play room."   The idea being that we won't have their toys where we're hanging out.  But after 5 years, I'm tired of the mess in there and want to turn in back into more of a "family room."  (It would still be their 'playroom,' but a little more adult friendly; Newer furniture. Toys are more hidden.  I'll tell you more about that in another post.) So, if we were to give them the dining room as an art room, they have room to play, store their art stuff & I can clean up a bit more.  Plus we would be actually using the room, instead of just dumping crap in it.  So we sold the dinning room set.  It was my grandmother's.  It made me a little sad to see it go.  I really liked it.  It just didn't go w/the rest of our house and it wasn't getting used.  So I'm glad it's going to get the attention it deserves.

Here's what it looked like as a dinning room. (These are the pix I used for selling it, so there's no stuff on the hutch.

First, we painted: (DaddySpeak painted.  Elfie & I observed.)

See dark green wall being painted blue.

Added new furniture. (Yeah! Ikea!)

Old light fixture in this one.  

And lots of art supplies from the grandparents under the Christmas tree!

Christmas Morning. They like it!

I'm still working on getting the walls set up.  I'm going to get some quotes in vinyl to put on  the walls.  I have square cork boards I'm going to cover w/fabric to hang "masterpieces." But really, I want them to have influence on what we put up.  It should be stuff that inspires them.
Right?
(I know, I totally wish I was my mom too.) ;-)

Day at the Park -- repost

 I was looking for some info about Little, bc my blog is her baby book.  I came across this lovely little post, from when Big was 3 & Little was 4 months old, August 27, 2006.  I don't even know the woman who wrote this, she has so much energy!  This whole deal was actually pretty funny.  Thought you all might enjoy it.


I mentioned that I’m checking into a new mom’s group for Little. This group has playdates several days a week and I decided to attend one with both girls last week. The location for these playdates can vary but the typical choice is a location somewhere in our neighborhood (the group is created by neighborhood/city). It is my experience with Big’s mom’s group that occasionally a park that is considered to be so cool that the group will agree to hold a playdate there even though it would be considered geographically undesirable. In this case, the location was at a park about 6 miles away, a distance I would consider to be geographically undesirable. I figured it must be one of those ultra cool parks. Yeah, umm, not so much. Especially after I got done with it. Only one other mom and I showed up. (Not the mom who organized and choose the park either.) AND I was an hour late, partly cause the park so freaking far away! The other mom also had an older child (her daughter “A” is 2). She brought her kids’ lunch, bathing suits for the play area and was on time. I showed up an hour late, w/ a couple snack paks of crackers, a bottle of water for Big and I to share and needed to nurse BS like crazy. My lovely 3 YO showed all of her maturity by promptly announcing she “didn’t want to play with A”. Nice, thanks for helping mommy meet some new people there Big. Big also wanted to play in the water area (damit I pulled her backpack with her change of clothes and bathing suit out of the car the day before to make room for the outlaws!) After a few minutes of negotiating (me trying to talk her out of it) I finally realized my boobs might explode if I didn’t nurse Little like now and told Big to go ahead and play in her underwear. Yeah, I am white trash that way. I am also a mom who can only take so much and I had breast milk on the brain at that point. She slipped about 5 minutes into it, scraped her hip and decided she was done with it, so she went commando the rest of the day. I’m training my kid in the finer points of white trashiness as well. Then she asked A’s mommy to push her on the swings (nice, insult her kid and ask her to play—very classy.) After that she came over to tell me about the swings and asked if she could do it alone. I said sure. Well this playground had two areas (both gated) and what she was asking was if she could go alone to the other playground, which wasn’t very close to us, so the answer was no if I’d realized that’s what I was being asked. When I realized she had walked past the swings and was opening the gate I yelled at her to stop but she couldn’t hear me. Just then “A” fell on the closer playground so her mom had to go deal with that (since I wasn’t imposing enough on her already). I didn’t know both playgrounds were completely gated so I was freaking out; my kid was going through the gate! Who knew what freaks might be hanging out in the toddler playground! Toddlers even!! I got up with Little still hanging on my boob and started walking/running toward her as "best I could," baby hanging on boob. I’m not so good at the whole mobile child feeding thing. Remember I'm still yelling at her to stop, so as to draw as much attention to myself as possible. Next thing I know, I stepped on a bee! Yes, a freaking bee!!! Of course it was the foot that was the same side I had BS hanging off of. So I’m standing in the middle of the park at lunchtime (very busy time of day), trying to juggle a baby on my boob and balance on one foot while pulling a stinger out of my other foot, all the time yelling at Big to come back. Little, of course, took this moment to pull herself off of me, so now my boob is hanging out for the entire world to see. Thankyouverymuch. I pulled the stinger out, pulled my shirt closed as best as I could and hobbled over to the toddler playground. Got Big to come back & sit with me until I was done nursing. “A’s” mom left not too much after that; “They still take naps.” Yeah, I bet they do and you need to get away from that crazy lady who is letting her kid run around in her underwear and flashing everyone her right boob.

Think they’ll let me in the playgroup?

Happy New...Meh

I know that being a new year & all, I'm supposed to be all reflective & stuff. Meh. I want to set resolutions this year, (which is really a first for me to be honest).  And there's a litany of obvious items I want to resolve to change, but really, I can't be bothered to think that hard about it.  Doesn't say much for how well I would keep said resolutions, does it? 
My real issue, is that I'm not sure exactly what my issue is.  (I'm a freaking one-man philosophy course.)  I want, no need to lose weight.  My current status is beyond embarrassing.  I've basically put on 10 lbs every year for the past four years.  No, that's not exactly how it happened.  Yeah, I (obviously) contributed to it.  (As I shove a doughnut in my pie hole.  No, not really, but hey, did someone say doughnuts???)  But it also happened/started in relation to something that happened TO me, (herniated disc/surgery).  For some reason, I can NOT get past that.  It seems that all my "issues" come down to that problem; "I didn't have fun getting this way.  It's not fair and therefore I shall ignore it and hope it goes away!"  When it doesn't go away, I shall have an adult-style temper-tantrum; and eat my feelings.  (They all taste like chocolate, how lucky for me.)  What might take most people years of therapy to get to, I've managed to boil down in a single paragraph.  Look, at the money I'm saving!  As usual, I can see, hear, touch, and taste the problem, but I don't know how to get to it emotionally.  Therefore, I'm not really sure how to fix it. 
Maybe it's that you don't really "fix" it.  Maybe, just maybe, the answer is that you "fake it till you make it."  You act like whatever it is you want (a size 6 waist,) and eventually you get there be default.  Obviously, if it's my weight, I need to start eating like a supermodel if size 6 really were the goal.  It's not. But you get the idea.
In that vein, (faking it,) here are the things I'd like to change in some manner this year:

Lose weight (diet & exercise)
Pursue something more serious w/my photography (actually get some info on how to do that.)
Be able to do more physically w/my kids (exercise)
Stop feeling like I'm stalled out (I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen, but I don't know what & it makes me feel stymied.)

One thing to note.  Usually, I'm more or less a mess at this point after the holidays.  I did pull back on a LOT this year.  And, as of right now, (even though I don't want to jinx it,) I think it's worth noting, that I'm more or less holding it together.  (knockingonwood)  One thing I do know is that I really, really need to listen to my body.  If it's telling me it's too tired, it's too tired.  I'm not going to get a 2nd wind.  That's just not how it works for someone like me. (Someone w/Fibromyalgia.)  I'm a slow learner, but I'm getting better at listening to my body and heeding the warnings it gives me.  Maybe, THAT is key to all of this & I just need to be patient and see how it all unfolds.

Christmas Chaos (No More?)

 
I'm a big proponent of the less is more philosophy, but was raised in a "more is more" household.  That's not to say I don't appreciate all that I have or was given, because I do.  A couple years ago, I got fed up with all the "expectations" of what we should do and who we need to see and exchange gifts with.  I wasn't alone & luckily, my SIL and I were able to convince my mom to make some changes.  We stopped doing the Christmas day race; open gifts at home, race to g'mas to open more gifts, quickly put away all gifts & clean up bc guests were coming for early dinner, while being yelled at to hurry up.  Screw that.  We now celebrate/open gift w/G'parents a day or two before Christmas.  We nosh on tapas that everyone contributes and can take our time to open & appreciate what we've received.  It's a much better way to go.  Christmas morning is just our immediate family, so we can sit around in our pjs all morning and enjoy our time together.  This year, we even had Christmas Eve "off" as the hosts of the dinner we usually attend have moved a few hours away.  We decided to opt out bc we didn't want the kids to be up too late.  We were thinking we'd drive around to see the Christmas lights at some of the more dedicated homes in our area.  Instead, we had an impromptu dinner w/neighbors.  Turned out to be one of the best Christmas Eve's ever.  Kids all played together, I made mulled wine & we got properly tossed.  Very fun.  My folks even toned down the gifts this year.  They spent the same amount as usual, (I'm sure,) but when w/the focus on quality instead of quantity.  In the past, the kids have gotten "present fatigue."  This year was pretty much right on.  After opening gifts, all the cousins piled into a back bedroom to play.  They played some with their new gifts, but really, they played with each other.  They get it too, the part of this really being about having fun together.

For many years now, we've gone to see the Nutcracker Ballet.  This year, the Girl Scouts took care of that one for me.  We had a tour of the theater; including the back stage, large props (& how they work,) old costumes and practice stage.  Then we had a hour to eat dinner and then all watched the ballet together.  It was a late night, but the girls really loved it, and it was fun to go with our friends as well.

Christmas in the Park is another tradition we try to take part in every year.  Unfortunately, I got sick the week school got out.  My parents took pity on me (or maybe on my girls,) and took them to go see the event one evening.  (It's way more fun at night.) Not only did my kids get to do the Park at night, (like they wanted.) I was free to curl up on the couch with a blanket and not feel bad about feeling bad. 

We added something new this year.  New for my girls, but sort of a revived tradition for myself.  When I was a kid we would head up to Union Square in San Francisco every December to go see the store windows.   It's crowded and parking is lousy and forget it, if the weather isn't cooperating.  This year I was offered tickets to see "The Grinch, The Musical."  I thought the girls might really like it, so I said yes and invited my mom to join us.  The day of, I was kicking myself for getting us involved in it.  I had tons still to do and had no business driving up to The City.  The musical was awesome and my girls LOVED it.  In hindsight, I'm really glad we went.  The weather was perfect, we got their early, and got nearby parking.  We had time to see some of the store windows and each lunch before the performance.  We had ice cream at Macy's after and when we came out, the Christmas tree was lit up.  It really was a fun day.  I believe it's going to be added to the list of traditions that will continue on each year.

Lastly, one of the big traditions my mom has been big on continuing is Christmas baking.  I have the best kitchen set up for all of us to do this together, so it's at my house.  The day before, I mentioned to DaddySpeak that we were baking at our house & to say he was not pleased, might be a bit of an understatement.  He then voiced that his concern was that I'm always a wreak after we're done.  If it were just the baking or just the cleanup, I'd probably be ok, but all of it together does me in.  I realized he was right.  It was silly of me to kill myself for baked goods that will probably mostly get tossed anyway.  I'd already purchased a gingerbread village, so the girls could decorate, because decorating is really what they're most intersted in doing.  So, I decided not to bake.  I think it might not have been something my mom was thrilled about. But you know what?  I was fine.  I helped the girls with decorating their houses.  I helped my  mom & SIL w/their cookies.  And guess what? I was ok that night & the next day.  Totally doing that again.  One of the smartest moves I've made yet.  For the neighbors we usually exchange baked good with; I printed up 5x7s of their kids that I'd taken over the year & wrote in their cards, "Some people bake, I take pictures."  I got personal thank yous from each of them, so I think it was a hit.

I took a lot on, with being the room mom for LittleSpeak's class.  But I did manage to pace myself this year.  The kids still got to do everything they wanted. And I'm not a complete loss now.  In fact, today we all went bike riding, as a family.  Someone remind me to read this in October next year. This has been a great way to end this year.

All I Want For Christmas Is A Full Night's Sleep

So Mir, wrote this post that pretty much encompasses how I'm feeling right now. 

Since beginning of November, (right after our trip to Maui,) I've been feeling overwhelmed.  It's been building and is more or less coming to a head this week.  I'm averaging about 4 hours of sleep a night.  Six day of this, so I'm kinda a mess right now. 

Required Annual Santa Pix
Check!

Usually, I'm more or less done w/my shopping by December First.  This year, I started my list on Monday.  December 5.  Gah!  I'm pretty organized about it, Thank Gawd!  If I wasn't I'd probably be institutionalized by now.  I have spreadsheet of everyone I buy for and add new columns for each year.  It has columns for item purchased, budgeted amount & actual dollars spent. I can see how much we're spending each year and where we can cut back if needed.  But, this year, I'm having trouble w/what to get everyone.  I've sat staring at the list for several nights now.  I'm working on it, and it's getting done, but I'm nervous that it's ALL going to happen before the actual holiday.  I'm pretty sure the gifts that have to be sent are either going to be way over budget (shipping charges,) or be more like New Year's gifts.  Maybe even Lunar New Year, at the pace I"m keeping.  I'm also doing a lot of online ordering bc I can't get away from my kids.  My Fibro isn't great (lack of sleep and cold weather contributing,) so I've managed to go on three shopping trips so far.  (1 a day.)

Part of my problem is that my mom is one of those people who thinks Christmas should be nothing short of a "Norman Rockwell-esk" event.  (It's been drilled into me, and I'm getting over it, but old habits die hard.)  A few years back, us kids rebelled & told my mom to pick a day BEFORE Christmas to celebrate as a family. (She goes nuts w/the amount of gifts they bestow on the kids, so it takes a while to get through them all.)  We were tired of getting up at the butt-crack of dawn to do Santa gifts & rush through our families' opening of gifts on Christmas morning. Just so that we could rush through gifts at her house before all the extraneous relatives showed up.  We were lucky to have a cup of coffee, much less breakfast during those years.  Moving it to an earlier date, has taken some of the heat off, but not all. 

It's also important that we participate in several family traditions.  I'm not taking issue w/these.  For the most part, I want to do this stuff and want my girls to have these experiences.  Mostly, I'm just bitching bc it's my blog and I can, (neener-neener- neener,) and bc this is part of what makes me feel like I'm going to lose my ever-loving mind.  There are three "must-do" Christmas related activites: 1) Christmas in the Park, 2) Nutcracker Ballet and 3) Christmas baking.   This year, BigSpeak's brownie troop took part in a special showing of the Nutcracker, so we got to go to a tour of the back stage, costumes and props departments before the performance.  Had an hour dinner break, and then got to see the actual performance.  (I'm pretty sure, it was their dress rehearsal.)   Kudos to the Girl Scouts for arranging that one for me.  Christmas baking has become my thing in the past few years.  Not because I love to bake, but because I have best kitchen for all of us to work in.  I mentioned to DaddySpeak that the baking event is occurring Saturday, and he rolled his eyes & muttered under his breath.  (I believe that he feels about Christmas the same as what he feels toward Disney.  Told you I married the anti-Christ. I think Christmas would be okay, but it comes right in the middle of college football AND basketball seasons! Yeah, he's not real motivated to participate in anything else.)  I told him the girls had actually been pestering me about doing it.  To which he replied, he was fine with it, but he's not fine w/how I'm always wreaked for days after.  And he's right.  I had already purchased a "gingerbread village" for the girls to put together & decorate.  (All they really care about is the decorating anyway.)  I decided that I'm not going to bake.  I might use some refrigerator dough & cook a few batches, maybe.  I'll helping the girls decorate.  No one cares if I make cookies or not. Except my mom, so I'm not telling her till she gets here.  Not participating in the actual baking would throw off her Rockwell vibe.  The last thing is "Christmas in the Park."  It's really cool and we try to get to it every year, but it is the same every year.  Last year my parents were upset that we weren't taking the girls, so they took them.  I liked that version.  I think they should continue doing that & make it the new tradition.  Personally, I'm not all that into hanging out in the cold.  A few years ago, DaddySpeak and I mapped out the best local decorated houses & take the girls to see them.  We've hit Vasona's Fantasy of Lights, in past years, but it's pretty crowded & it had more cache w/the girls when they were younger.    I think there's something extra cool about seeing a house or entire street all decorated.  Even though we know it's there, there's still something unexpected about it, that makes it seem cooler.

I hadn't written anything, bc I was feeling so overwhelmed.  Maybe getting it all out there will help and I'll start sleeping again. 

Yes, There is a Santa Claus....

My 8yo happily believes.  A friend outed Santa to her last year.  She told me about it & I asked her what she thought.  She reasoned out why her friend was wrong!  I'm sure there's a part of her that knows, but obviously, she wants to believe for now.  And I'd be lying if I didn't admit I'm pleased she still does.  I'm starting to wonder if the 5yo is going to know before her though; she had questions about the characters at amusement parks recently; "They're just people dressed up as that character, aren't they?"  However, she was hard to contain when we went into a mall week before Thanksgiving & spotted Santa.  She HAD to go see him & tell him how much she loved him! Her devotion is somewhat troubling. When you put it in the context that we're basically encouraging her sit on a strange man's lap, and take pictures with him.  It makes me VERY uncomfortable, but I do love that they believe in magic, so I try not to think about it TOO hard.  In the case of both girls, our local mall has helped me out by providing a skylight that is best viewed from the Santa photo booth.  You can just see the tops of the reindeer's antlers in the skylight.  That's where he parks his sleigh, you know.  A few years ago, we go an Elf on a Shelf.  If I'd thought it through, I may not have signed up for that one.  You have to move the guy every night!  And I make sure to keep him up high so that neither of the girls can get to him, because if they touch him, he'll "lose his magic!"  And if the elf lost his magic, that would kinda put a damper on Christmas.  I was smart enough to make sure Elfie (girls' named him,) doesn't show up till December 1st, so there's at least one less week of that to deal with.  At the end, I'm scrambling for places to put him.  That first year of Elfie, was when Big was 4.  She, naturally, wanted to know, "why didn't Elfie come to visit us before that year?"  I quickly concocted an great answer; "When I was pregnant with you, we signed up to get a house elf for Christmas.  There's a limited number of house elves and we were placed on a waiting list.  We didn't realize the wait list was THREE YEARS long!  So we were lucky to get one, when we did."  As much as I complain sometimes about the maintenance of Elfie,  I do love the excitement of the girls trying to locate him each morning.  I need to remember that, I know the days of magic are numbered.

I think, part of the reason Big still believes has to do with the tale I've got going for them.  We also celebrate the religious aspect of Christmas, and I've explained to my girls that Santa gives to them because he was so taken w/God sending us his son as Baby Jesus that he wanted to show his love and gratitude to God as well. We are NOT super religious, but I think knowing that someone beside their parents loves them unconditionally is part of what makes the "lie" believable.  There's much comfort in knowing there's an adult out there, who loves you, even though he's never met you.  When the time comes I hope to handle the subject with half as much grace as Martha did here.  But I've also done some research of my own.  I plan to direct them to websites that talk about St. Nicolas and the legends that surround Santa.  And, like Martha, I plan to show them how to make the magic continue for all of us who believe.

Not Quite a Train Wreck & Happy Halloween!

We have a Rainbow Fairy & a Pirate this year.

Last Saturday, was our school's big fundraiser.  We actually only have one, so saying it's "big" is somewhat redundant.  It's a Fall Festival, which includes a costume parade, carnival games, inflatables, food; including a chili cook-off & cake decorating, a haunted house, and silent auction.  I think I missed a few things, but you get the idea.  It's a BIG. FREAKING. DEAL.  Each class puts together a "basket" for the silent auction.  This task is put on the room parent...and now you know where I'm going with this one.  LittleSpeak's class did something fairly low-key; we decorated a tote w/all the kids hand-prints and had each child bring in a new copy of a favorite book.  I put together a list of the books as a 'book-club' recommended reading list, and we included gift-certificates to Barnes & Nobel and Starbucks.  It wasn't a huge deal and I had lots of help, so it seemed mundane.  I, sort of, blew it on the day of HFN.  I volunteered to pass out pre-paid tickets/bracelets from 1-3.  The parade, which kicks off the event, starts at 4.  I thought I was so smart, getting my volunteer hours before the actual event.  I did not, however, consider the fact that I was going to be at the school from 1 in the afternoon.  So, at 3, DaddySpeak, brought the girls over to the school so I could apply "make-up" and finishing touches on their costumes.  Everything went well.  The girls had a blast, the school raised tons of money.  (We personally "won" 3 of the baskets, which means I have more than done my part for the school this year.  AND quite possibly I've finished some of my Christmas shopping.)
By 8 PM though, we were shot.  We walked home, put the girls to bed and collapsed on the couch.  Big was supposed to go to CCD at 8:30, but I couldn't get her to wake up.  I could've forced the issue w/her, but I could see she was in the middle of a dream.  I decided she needed sleep more than religion that morning.  The fact that my whole body felt like it had been run over might have contributed to that decision.  The short version; I overdid it and spent my Sunday in bed.  More details?  I used up most of my spoons for the week.  Sadly, quite a few things like dentist & doctor visits had been pushed to this week bc we were so busy leading up to the event. 
We made our appointments, but lets just say I wasn't winning any beauty contests this week.  Sweats and baseball hats were the wardrobe rule, and anything I could schedule out, (working in classrooms,) walking in the morning, grocery shopping, cooking diner, etc...was put off.  I did not win any domestic medals this week.  I need to remember to pad my week after events like this.  I tend to get burned by this kind of stuff.  You'd think I'd remember, but it's like my brain loses those part of the memories.  We survived.  The house, laundry and food situation could be better.  But honestly, they've been worse, (not that I'm proud of that).

I started to write this post on Wednesday of this week.  It was supposed to be about what a mess I was this week.  And I was, a mess.  But now that I'm at the next weekend, I'm actually able to be more objective about it.  Yeah, no one is putting the merits of my domestic skills in a magazine.  But I got the stuff done, I had to.  I listened to my body and rested when I could.  And I had enough stuff in the freezer and with leftovers that we, (Daddy,) made a decent dinner for all each night.  So instead of being a train wreak, maybe I'm just a car accident?  (KNOCK ON WOOD!) I guess that's progress, right?

My So-Called Trip to Vegas

I'm dying to write about my weekend.  I went to a Digital Scrapbooking "Fest."  I've been telling my In Real Life, (IRL,) friends, that it's a 'digital graphics users group.'  It is, and if they had a Public Relations, (PR,) person, the organizers might know that.  I suspect it would've been much more costly though; good PR people are expensive after all.  ;-)  They want to call it a "Fest," if it's keeping prices down, I'm all for it.

So, I spent the weekend in "Vegas Baby!" (You have to say it like that you know.) And I didn't even put a nickle in a slot.  Ha! That would imply there were nickle slots.  I didn't put a quarter or dollar even, then!  Honestly, there was a time period, approximately 11 years ago, when the thought of going to Vegas would've made me cry.  I worked for a chip maker and had to go to Vegas about every two months for their tradeshow circuit.  I grew to loath the place.  I could have and should have written a travel book on the place, because my knowledge on what to do and not to do was vast, but like I said, it would be too soon if I'd never gone there again. When DaddySpeak, (DS) found out where I was going he was shocked.  I told him I didn't burst into tears at the thought, so there's that.  Guess I'm past my PTSD finally.  ;-)  I did have fun, but it was actually a bit stressful, not because of the conference.  I suppose, the stressful part of my trip put any issues I might have had related to the conference into perspective.  I traveled w/LittleSpeak's Godmom, H.  Her husband, A came as well.  He was going to gamble while we were in classes and they could go out at night.  About two hours after we arrived, we convinced him to go to a see a doctor at walk-in clinic.  He had a really bad cold & he looked and sounded awful.  He had planned to get a day pass at the spa we were going to, but instead agreed to go to a walk-in clinic which was right off the strip.  (My knowledge of this place, it still applies.)  So H & I went to the Spaaaaaaa.  It was the same spa I went to w/DS a year and a half ago.  I was afraid it wasn't going to be as good.  I was sure I'd built it up in my mind to be much better than it really was, but I was not disappointed.  It was amazing & relaxing.  Exactly what I needed.  Our plan was that when we got done, we were going to shower & head to the opening reception for our "Fest."  It didn't work out that way.  Well, it did for me.  Poor H, had 4 texts from A about all the places they were sending him from the walk-in clinic; the last one being that they were going to admit him to the hospital.  H didn't shower or anything, she threw her clothes on and headed to the hospital.  I was able to check-in for her at the reception and told them what was happening with her.  The reception seemed so weird to me.  My head was really more over at the hospital with them.  I was getting updates from H.  Apparently, Friday night at the ER closest to the Vegas Strip is a bit sketchy, who woulda thunk?  They did release A with strict instructions to take his antibiotics and get lots of rest.  They'd hydrated him and administered IV antibiotics.  Told him they'd caught the pneumonia  early, so he should bounce back pretty quick.  They got back to the hotel about 9:00 PM.   On Saturday, I woke to the sound of my cell phone buzzing.  It seems that around 3:30 AM, H realized that A wasn't getting any sleep and seemed to be not breathing very well at all.  They had headed back to the ER.  She was updating me with their happenings since that time.  At, 5:45 AM, when I woke up, the doctors had declared he needed to be admitted for 2-3 days.  His oxygen saturation was extremely low, so low, that when I discussed it w/DS he was sure I heard it wrong.  He couldn't believe that A was functioning at all w/a saturation so low.  I confirmed it w/H 3 times though, it really was that low.  A was actually stuck in ER for 14 HOURS on Saturday.  The hospital was so crazy busy that they couldn't get him to a room w/a bed.  When they finally did, he was so bad that they put him ICU.  H missed the Saturday classes and tour we had planned.  She got home late that night, once things had more or less stabilized with A.  On Sunday, things seemed a bit better.  She went over to see him in the morning and they had just managed to break his (very high,) fever w/an ice bath.  After an hour or so, things seemed to moving in the right direction and he had fallen asleep, so H came back to the hotel and we got lunch.  We went back to the conference room and started to cut papers on  a hybrid project we'd (myself & other attendees,) worked on that morning.  I figured she could get some of it done and I'd finish whatever didn't happen for her.  At least she'd walk away with something, right?  Only while we were doing that, she got a text from A implying they might discharge him that afternoon.  Some of his "bloodwork had come back very positive."  H was packing up to head back to the hospital and called him to find out what was going on.  (He'd been in no shape to leave when she'd left him that morning.  He was better, but the guy was still requiring oxygen to breathe.)  While she was talking to him on the phone, he was overcome w/the shakes.  No fever, just uncontrollable shakes.  Not long after H got the hospital, he finally spiked a fever around 103.7.  They'd given him meds to try and knock it down, but he couldn't keep them down.  They had to used ice packs and IV meds to try and get the fever under control.  They did get it back down, but there was no mistaking he wasn't going anywhere soon.  I forget what time H got back that night, but it wasn't early.   Monday, was the day we were all supposed to come home.  I attended the closing of the "Fest," while H updated me via text from the hospital.  A was still running a low-grade fever, he was still on oxygen and he obviously wasn't flying anywhere that day.  But, he seemed to be slightly better.  He even got out of bed and walked around the nurses desk w/H.  Then he fell asleep exhausted.  I was VERY torn about leaving H and A.  If something awful happened, H had no one there with her.  If my folks weren't traveling overseas, it would've been a no brainer, I would've stayed.  But, as it was, I had to ask my Sister-In-Law to pick up the girls from school.  I offered to stay, (it was via text,) but I don't know if H never got it, or just didn't reply.  All the medal in the hospital and casinos made it so that we didn't always get our text in a timely manner.  Luckily, things really were improving.  A was discharged last night and they flew home today, Wednesday.  I actually haven't talked to them since they've gotten here.  The last text I got was when they were boarding the plane.  I know they're both exhausted, so it can wait.  He's still very, very sick.  She's got to go back to work and they have four year old twins to deal with too.  I'm still reeling from this weekend and I'm not the one who spent all the time in the hospital worrying about my husband.  I can NOT imagine how overwhelmed they must be feeling.  So, if you would, please say a little prayer, or light a candle or send the good karmic vibes.  They could use it right about now.

Also, go give the people you love a hug.  It's so easy to forget how fragile life can be. 

In my next post, I might actually talk about what I did, beside text w/H all weekend. ;-)

Learning to Love

When I read this, I kept thinking about all the crushes kids at this age, (around ages 4-8ish,) have;  lots of boys want to marry their mommy's & girl's their daddy's  (I suspect visa versa too.)  Many, many kids have crushes on their kindergarten teachers.  No one thinks much of these "school kid crushes."  They're considered normal.  This is the way in which a child at this age processes love for the people they know.  I know both my girls claim they are never moving out.  They'll just move their families into our house with us.  They can't even imagine wanted to live away from home for college.  This makes me laugh, because, I suspect, they will be "chomping at the bit" to get out by that time.  And I do hope they're excited when it's their turn.  But they're kids and they can't imagine loving someone any more than they love us right now. As they get older their world gets bigger, and so does their idea of what love is.  My point is, that I totally agree with the author.  She's right, we should imagine as if all of our kids are being targeted by the hateful anti-gay rhetoric.  Even people who "aren't anti-gay" but are against gay-marriage need to stop deluding themselves.  While you might not be a hateful person, the message you send our kids is that they aren't equal.  And that is not okay. 

When the whole prop 8 thing started here in CA, it was interesting to me how many of our neighbors posted pro-prop 8 signs in their yards.  Churches were passing them out at their services.  To me it felt like they were going out of their way to point out their feelings.  So, in turn, several of us made calls & got anti-prop 8 signs for our yards.  Listen, I'm fine with the whole we can agree to disagree thing, but not when it comes to my child's self-esteem.  If it turns out, a child of mine is gay, then I want them to know that I will not tolerate them being treated differently. I will fight for them and their rights always.  I'm their parent and they are my child above all else.  There are no conditions on that.  That's why they call it unconditional love.  At the time of the prop 8 discussion, an older family member indicated that they "weren't anti-gay, but they just didn't think they (the gays,) should be allowed to marry.  They can have civil unions, why do they need marriage?"  I have to admit was I was shocked.  There are several people in our extended families who feel this way, but I was surprised by this person.  This person wanted to "agree to disagree," but I was really having a hard time with leaving it like that.  I finally asked them, "What if one of your grandchildren is gay?  Do you want any of them to be told they are a lesser person because of that?  Do you think it's okay to deny them the right to a marriage? They already legally can be on each others' health care, have children together, purchase a home together, (which is harder than any of those other things,) so why not marriage?"  Initially, the person wanted to drop it, so I let it go, but I made it clear I didn't like it.  The day after the election this person told me that they voted against prop 8.  The idea made them uncomfortable because of what they've been told are their life.  But when I put it in the framework of their own grand kids, whom they love and cherish and truly just want them to be happy, that made them realize they could live with uncomfortable.  Their grand kids deserved more."
Are either of my children gay?  I don't know, neither do they, they're too young to know.  What I do know, is that they are loved no matter what, and I will not tolerate people judging them harshly on that subject.  I know that any "crushes" they have at this age are just a normal part of growing.  It tells me we're doing something right; our children know how to love.

Monday Moring

I do get the irony that my blog is named "Mommy Speaks," yet I haven't been saying so much for the last several months.  Life is hard dude.  I often feel like I start feeling better, but when I start to participate in real life, I end up falling on my face.  It's that fine line I've mentioned; the one where you need to do just enough to help yourself move forward and feel better.  If I stay on that line, I'm OK, when I cross it....splat.
For me it seems like everything is ok, until it's not, but that's not totally true.  I take on extra responsibilities, which is fine at that time.  But then my sleep starts getting messed with, and little by little it chips away at my energy reserves.  My pain starts showing up again...and it feels like it's sudden, but really it's been building for several weeks.  I'm better at recognizing it.  I make myself slow down, back off, get to bed earlier, but eventually, it's not enough.  So, that's why I've been very spotty in my attention to writing.  It's too bad, because my writing is a big outlet for me.

I just reread my last post about "thriving."  I know, I jinxed my self in writing that.  BigSpeak being sick and DaddySpeak being out for a week is what started me onto my current status of lack of sleep and pain. (LittleSpeak waking me 2-3x a night is also part of the problem.) I play catch up a lot on the weekends, but this weekend was worse than most week days.  Monday morning, we all overslept,  Little too.  It's the first time this year, and I was able to get the girls to their classes w/out having to check in tardy, so that's still leaps & bounds from last year.  (I think I'd already gotten a letter from the school at this point last year.) I hate that feeling of being behind.  You know the one that comes w/a morning like ours; you're rushing around, can't find the things you need, going to be late regardless... I've had that rushed/hopeless feeling since sometime last week.  This morning's episode did not improve it.  Today, I'm trying to basically do nothing.  Right now, I'm on the couch, trying to find the least painful position.  My afternoon is full of doctor's appointments and lessons (for the kids,) so that doing nothing is relative to the time of day.  I'm heading to a scrapbook conference this weekend.  I'm excited to go, but I'm also really nervous for my family; getting to all the places they need to be.  I wish there was a way I could be reassured that would happen.  I also want to make sure I can do all the things I want to do on my trip too (spa time).  I need this feeling to go away, so I can enjoy what's going on around me right now. 

Mean (Little) Girls...and Boys

We're into our 4th week of school, (I think).  Things seem to be going well.  BigSpeak really likes her teacher, as expected.  LittleSpeak is thriving.  And, knock on wood, but I seem to be doing pretty well.  My cocktail of meds seems about right.  I have small set backs; Big was home sick all of last week, and DaddySpeak was out of town for work, but I didn't collapse.  I had to scale back a bit this week to recover, but I seem to be doing well.  I feel like we're finally thriving, instead of just surviving.  It's a nice feeling.  I hope it lasts. 
One thing that's new is the stories Little has been coming home from school with every day.  At first I thought she was embellishing, as she's prone to do.  But as the days pass, and each day I get a similar tale, I'm starting to think maybe most of it is true.  Little's class seems to have an awful lot of chiefs and almost no Indians. Everyday she comes home with a story of how E told K she can't be in their club-du-jour.  Or how D threw his blocks at the teacher when she told him it was time to clean up.  Every day I hear how A told the teacher, he "hates school and the rules." 

What the heck???  Who are these kids???

I'm not sure if it's because this grade has a lot of siblings or if we're just paying more attention, but none of that type of stuff EVER came up in Big's class.  They were what you would expect of five year old boys and girls.  They were mostly sweet and very young.  This group?  These kids are like five going on fifteen.  

Little tells me these stories, pointing out, of course, how she isn't the perpetrator in any of these cases.  I fear, in fact, that she's one of the "good" kids. Which is really kinda scary for her teacher.  We know how strong-willed Little can be, and I think she might not hold a candle to some of these kids.  In fact, she has been a "victim" of the Mean Girls on more than one occasion.  (I've witnessed it going on during Big kid pick up.)  When I saw it happening to her, I wasn't entirely surprised.  The major culprit is a neighbor and Little and her are "hot & cold."  They're either the best of buds, or ready to go to blows.  Honestly, I'm not that crazy about this other girl, but Little seems to hold her own, so I'm going along for now.  The last time I saw the Mean Girl action occurring, I called her over and confirmed what I was seeing.  ("E says I can't be in their club because all their shoes flash and mine don't. It hurts my feelings.")  Little doesn't take it lying down either.  She gets all up in E's face, points her finger and tells her off.  And while her feelings are hurt, she doesn't turn into a puddle AT ALL.  But, anyone's self-esteem is going to take a hit at some point, so last time I saw this and called her over, this was our conversation?

"Ummm, yeah.  Little, first of all, there are NO CLUBS at school.  The only clubs that exist are ones that ANYONE can be in.  If they exclude someone, then that's not fair, or nice and it's a form of bullying.  There is NO Bullying allowed at school." 
"Also, E is not your firend."

Yeah she is mommy. And I want to play pink pony tag." (Or whatever crap they're into that day.)

"No Little, she's not.  A friend doesn't put conditions on being included.  A friend doesn't care if you have flashing shoes, or any shoes for that matter.  A friend, sees you have different shoes, and either points out how it's cool you're different.  Or suggests everyone take of their shoes, and be equal.  When she talks to you like that she's not being your friend.  Tell her you want to play, but not if she's going to be mean.  Then walk away and find someone who is a friend." 


They're FIVE!  It's gonna be a long year is all I'm saying.

Remember...and pay it forward

There's so much emotion for this day.  I feel like the whole world, or at least all of the US, we're holding our breath.  Just hoping to get through this day.  Through the memorials, the reminders of how much time has passed and how much hasn't.  Ten years can feel like a life time and a blink of the eye.  Ten years ago, I was newly married.  I remember at some point during the day, watching the TV, thinking, the year I was married will be remembered for this awful tragedy.  Such a happy time in my life was marred by such blackness.  It was a selfish thought.  So many had lost so much and I was concerned about myself.  At that point, I was allowed that kind of selfishness.  I was young and in love and all I needed to worry about was me.  And that's how it should be at that point in your life.  Watching the attacks on September 11, 2001 changed who I am, and how I approach things.  I lost a large part of innocence.  I know that sounds so cliche, but it's true.  I feel like something in me broke that day.  How could people hate so much, that they would kill others to show that hate?  Not just one or two crazy guys, a whole group of them, willing to carry out such an awful deed.  You could argue, that in someways the people in the buildings were of no consequence to them because they would never see them.  They were the nameless, faceless enemy to them.  But the people on the planes? They sat by them.  There were kids on those planes.  How can you be willing to hurt them?  I still can't wrap my head around it.
When the first tower fell, it was so surreal.  It was like you were waiting for an announcer to break in and say it was a movie, and now that you were hooked in, you had to come see how it ends.  Only it wasn't a movie. It was real.  I remember as that first tower fell thinking, "Oh my God, there are still people in there.  There are emergency personal who ran in to help and they can't be out yet." And everywhere you went that day, the image of those planes, the buildings, where all you saw or heard about.  We went into work that day, but no one did much.  Most people spent the day trying to contact loved ones on the East Coast and watching the footage on the Internet.  I have family in New York, they contacted my parents in relative short order & informed us of who was where and that they were safe.  We were learning of what a mess the communications were there, so much of it was linked to the buildings.  We were grateful to know they were okay and that they were able to tell us so. It would not be that easy for some many others. After several days, I had to stop watching TV and listening to the radio.  I think they call it "catastrophe porn."  It's like you're hooked on the image of the terror.  We've seen it with other situations, where the media play images of tragedy over and over and over again.  In this case, it didn't desensitize, or numb you.  In this case, it just made you feel sad and helpless.
I spiraled into depression after September 11, 2001.  It was the last straw, in my case.  It's really hard for me to see all the footage again.  I'm doing my best to minimize it.  I don't want to feel that sense of helplessness or hopelessness again.  It's hard for me to think about this event without feeling that way.  I have kids now.  I don't have the luxury to wallow in that kind of pain. 
What I do want to remember is how Americans behaved for the next several months.  People were generally nicer to each other.  We stopped cutting each other off in traffic.  We held the door or elevator for each other.  We made eye contact and smiled at each other.  On airplanes, the pilots asked us to greet each other.  We weren't nameless or faceless, perhaps if that had been the case, the terrorists might not have been as inclined to act.  It seemed everyone had a picture of an American flag in their rear car window.  We collectively agreed that life was too short and that we were going to show those who hated us that they were wrong about us.  We're naive about how the rest of the world views us.  We're brought up to believe that everyone is jealous of us and wishes they could be American.  Not true, by a long shot.  But the thing that is true, is that we are strong and we have each others' backs.  The terrorists assumed we were weak and afraid of death, but they were wrong.  The people on Flight 93 showed them that while we don't have a death wish, we will protect our own however we need to.  The emergency personal who ran into those buildings to get people out; showed them, that we will sacrifice if that's what required of us.  Our spirit and resolve is strong.  I can't explain to my kids why those people had so much hatred that they wanted to hurt us so badly.  But I can show them, that most people are generally good.  And when it comes down to it, good always wins. 
I know we're supposed to pause in memory at 8:46 EST.  We'll be asleep here on the West Coast.  But I'm going to try to remember the sense of family we had for months after.  I'm going to let people in, in traffic.  I'll hold the door for them. This week, I'll go donate blood.  Maybe pay for the coffee of the guy behind me at Starbucks.  I'm going to pay it forward tomorrow;  And the next day and the next.  Because the terrorists didn't win 10 years ago.  And they don't win today either.  I hope you'll pay it forward this week too.

10 Years

I'm watching all these upcoming memorials for the 10th anniversary of 9/11. I'm torn about how this makes me feel. This 10th anniversary is going to be hard for me. It's what prompted me to write after not feeling like I needed to for a month or so. So much of writing here is for me, to help me work through things in my mind. Help me see the forest for the trees, so to speak. I've been feeling tired enough, but well enough, not to need the therapy that writing is for me. I'd been able to exercise and sleep w/out needing to write. That's huge for me. I fear that this anniversary may set me back some. I hope not. The time period after 9/11 was a very dark time for me. I didn't lose anyone I knew. But still I felt the pain of the day so deeply. I still do. I'd managed to put it behind a closed door in my mind. Then a week ago, I was walking through a book store, and the display of all the 9/11 books was put up. It stopped me. Left a lump in my throat that hasn't really gone away. Made me realize how easy it was to just open that door and let those feelings overcome me again. I'm one of the lucky ones, if I had lost someone directly, I couldn't put it away like that. I don't know how those people have survived this long.
I just need to get that off my chest. I'm hoping this will be enough. I fear not, but maybe.

Progress

I'm still around. Just busy, and while at the beach exhausted. Too exhausted to deal w/PITA wifi issues. Busy living. So I did write some posts, but they never posted to the site. I'm debating if I should post them or not. I probably will, just after I get "caught up."

School has started. Little is in kindergarten, and as predicted, there's no living with her. Big has started 3rd grade. I'm working on figuring out schedules w/2 soccer teams, practices, dance classes, gymnastics, (maybe,) etc... I've been walking every day for a week now. That's big for me. My pain level has reduced significantly. Not always; like not this morning, because Little had me up half the night. But I believe (knock on wood) that my good hours are starting to out number the bad ones. I'm not sure the last time I felt like that; maybe when I was pregnant with Little. It's been a while. So there's that.

To The Winner - The Spoils

I told my husband, if he keeps bringing it up, he's taunting me into writing about it. It's already taking on epic proportions that will be an ongoing private joke between us.

Last night around 9:30ish, I was downstairs on my computer, editing photos, and skimming some rerun. He'd gone upstairs about 9 to take a shower before going to bed. I could hear him walking around, opening windows, etc...usual bedtime routine stuff. All the sudden, he comes racing down the stairs calling the dog. Poor Merit, was sound asleep next to me. She jumped up and was running to the front door barking before she was completely awake. You could see she was perplexed from the look on her face. Daddy was calling for her, so she was on it! He sent her out front barking. I assumed there must be two cats out front fighting or a raccoon or something. (He wouldn't send my preshus babah out after bad guys who could hurt her, right? Though, that might be better than a flea infested rat. Gah!) He called her right back in and closed the door.
"What's going on?"
"Teenagers!"
???
"There was a group of teenagers coming down the street w/toilet paper. They were going to TP L's house!" (Next door's teenage daughter.)
blank stare
???
"So I sent the dog after them."
"To lick them? Why did you stop them?"
"Well they weren't even being that stealthy about it. They have to at least try!"
??? "Did you tell them to get off your lawn too? What are you 80?"
Only now he was gone & out the front door again. A few minutes later he walks back in w/4-5 rolls of partially used TP.
"To the winner goes the spoils!"
"Wha?? What are you going to do w/that??"

That settles it, I'm buying him a cane, so he can raise it up and wave it at the kids as he tells them he'll keep any of the balls that land on his lawn.

Lately...

Girls had their dance recital today. Their dance school does a very extravagant one every other year; so this year was what they call an, "ice cream social." Dance school serves ice cream sandwiches at the end. They break it into 3 separate half hour shows so the little kids won't totally lose it, waiting around. Of course, that meant my two girls were in the first & the last of those three shows. We spent our day running around before & between shows; standard family stuff.

DaddySpeak and I had taken separate cars for the first show, because BigSpeak had to be there so much earlier for rehearsal. This meant no pain pills as I was driving. Between shows,I came home and felt frustrated because I'd, once again, picked things up as I left, to have them undone in the short time I was gone. I was also in a TON of pain. I started snapping at Daddy and the girls. He finally had, had enough and snapped back. He pointed out that he was dealing w/a leak in our roof all morning, but he "doesn't get credit for the stuff he does do, only the things I feel he missed." He was right. I apologized. I told him, "I'm just so frustrated. I do things and I feel like no one helps, and I know he does. I'm just frustrated by how I feel and how little I can do." He replied, "You're frustrated, I'm frustrated! There's been a lot of downside and very little up(side) these last three years."
He's right; only it's been 4 years. I hurt my back four years ago. I honestly don't know why he stays. I can't be very much fun to be around. I feel like I spend my days apologizing to him and the girls for all the things I can't do. Or the things I didn't do, so he has to pick up my slack. Between that, I'm yelling at him because I'm tired, in pain and frustrated, so I take it out on him.

Lately, I wonder if my family wouldn't be better off without me. I hold them back so much. I'm not fun to be around. Since I can't take the pain pills unless there's another adult around, I never get to the point of relief any more. I don't even eat dinner with them, by that time of the day my pain is so bad I'm flat on the couch. Sitting at a table is hard to consider. I lie on the couch, so I can be there and still be part of the dinner conversation. My reality for everything these days is, I get through it. I get through the day. I get through dinner. I get through their recitals, games, etc... It's not fair to them. They deserve more. They deserve a mom and a wife who can be present and happy. Who is more focused on taking their pictures, than how much longer till we're home for good and I can take something for pain and lie down.
This is not living. I don't want to pretend it is anymore.

Traveling Pants of the Fat-Arce Sisterhood

I'm not sure if I should glad or insulted.

Walked Big to school today and on our way home a neighbor stopped Little and I.

"What pants size do you wear? I have a really good reason for asking."
(What do you say to that?) I told her my size, (which I'm not sharing here, because it upsets me,) and then added, sigh "It's the largest I've ever been in my life."
"I wanted to know, because I thought so. That's the size I was and I've been having a really hard time losing it, hormones, but I've finally gotten to the point where I'm down a size and can't wear these anymore."
She continued, "A friend gave me these pants and they're really good pants. I had a really hard time when I had to dress for stuff, these saved me. I wanted to pass them on to someone else in need. When you're out of them, have lost the weight, (I know you will,) pass them on to someone else who might need them or you can give them to me and I'll pass them along to someone else."

Her intent was in the right place.
Maybe they're magical pants and now the weight will come off.

I'm back trying to tackle my weight and dealing with my Fibro, (FM) at the same time. If you've dealt with chronic pain, you know that taking on other challenges (losing a vice,) is doubly hard, because it's often the thing that gives you some level of comfort. I've had a really hard time wrapping my head around Low-Carb, (LC,) while on Weight Watchers. Problem is, I'll see something I want and know I have enough points and eat it. I seem to forget to deal with the carb issue till it impacts me negatively. At the very least, carbs are contributing to my FM, by making me bloated and uncomfortable. At the worst? They're part of the reason I'm having such bad symptoms. Things got bad enough this weekend where I realized that I would be willing to live on next to nothing if it would assure me a pain-free existence. Once I hit that point, it's not so hard to give up anything.

I just want to feel better.