Thursday, March 31, 2011

Whatever It Takes....

I am trying not to lose my shit here. I feel like I'm bi-polar or something. I guess I feel like the Fibromyalgia (FM) is bi-polar. I'm struggling to "keep up" but I'm not. I'm "borrowing spoons" and paying for it. So I do I what I need to, and then I can't do at all. I have had a few opportunities to write this last week, but held off, because I wanted to write something that wasn't all bitchy and angsty. Now, I'm not sure when that might be, if ever. Yes, I'm catastrophizing, I do it well; Watch & learn from the master. Today, my Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) made another command performance. It was my own fault, but I get so wrapped up in just making it through day-to-day that I have trouble seeing the forest for the trees. Which means, I guess, I just cut them all down? I don't know where that metaphor was going, try and keep up, maybe you can explain it to me later. Let me back up a bit. I had a bad day Monday, both girls were in school and spent that time in bed. Got through the rest of our Monday afternoon and was hit with a migraine right around the time DaddySpeak got home. (Lucky him.) I ended up in bed at 6:00PM. I did manage to kick the migraine about 1o:00 PM, so I got a fair amount of sleep. Tuesday, (yesterday,) I spent the day trying to make up for Monday. LittleSpeak is home that day, so we hit the gym, (her class,) Target, (groceries & b-day gifts,) hair salon, (Little needed a trim,) eye doctor, (I needed more contacts,) and the library. During all of this, my mom called to inform me she might need a ride to the doctor because she may have broken her foot the night before. (Don't get me started on the fact that there are currently 3 other drivers living with her right now, and that she waited till they all were somewhere else to call me. I don't have an issue with helping her, I find it curious that I was her first choice, when, clearly she had other options. Yes, another post, another time.) So in-between all this running around, I was working the phone with my mom. Not a big deal, but an additional stressor. At 4:30 PM, Little had softball practice (because so many games have been canceled due to rain,) and BigSpeak needed to be at warm up for her game at 5:00. No, they are not at the same field. I worked out a carpool for Big, (original plan had involved G'ma,) and during Little's practice texted Daddy to pick up Subway for dinner, chairs to watch the game, (which were not in the van,) and the snack for Big's game (we were the snack parents that night, of course.) Keeping up? I drove from Little's practice to Big's game. You may remember, that I'm the unofficial photog for my kid's teams. (The parents on Little's team haven't quite gotten the memo yet.) Big's team is so used to me, they see me with a camera nearby and they check their teeth and smile. I'm not joking. I have a few reasons why I prefer being a soccer mom to a softball one, but the top of the list is photo ops. I can't get in close to the action in softball, like I can in soccer. Thus I spent half of every inning on my stomach at the foul line, just past the backstop fence. As you might imagine, this did much for my back pain. An hour after the game, I could barely move. My neck, shoulders, back, hips were all in agony. I slept like crap. If I stay perfectly still I'm fine. Whenever I moved, it would wake me up. This morning, was not my best. I got both girls off to school, but I was hurting so badly. I decided I wanted one of those Starbuck Mochas. My version of comfort food. I've been really, really good on my low-carb diet for a little over a week now. Honestly, I didn't feel like it was helping at all, so I splurged.

I won't ever do that again.

Within 30 minutes, I was so very sick. I don't really consider a warm mocha my comfort food anymore. In addition to the back, neck, shoulder, etc...pain, I added a very bad bout of IBS to the mix. I took some meds for the IBS, I've had limited success with them in the past. I've been very, very good about my fluids all day. I did have some cheese this afternoon and a few hours later, some nuts (almonds and cashews); all high protein stuff. I got crampy, but my stomach held. That's where I am now. I kinda don't ever want to eat again, but I'm sure that will pass.

I'm going away for a girls weekend on Friday. I'm torn about going. I feel like I have so many things I need to be doing, and this two steps forward, three steps back dance I'm doing, isn't helping. I scheduled this weekend because we had nothing going on, and I wouldn't be missing anything. Now, because all the rain we've had, all kinds of events have been rescheduled to this weekend. The girls have two birthday parties and games. Daddy is going to either have an appreciation for what I do, or be gone when I get back.

I really, really hate this. I'm getting depressed. I'm just so tired and hurting. Big had to write a sentence for homework using the word spine, I suggested something to do with mine not being great and she replied, "I don't want the whole world to know!" Um, okay. I reminded her that my health issues are not exactly a huge secret. She said, she knew that, and she didn't mind if her friends knew, but not the whole school. So, yeah, my 7yo is embarrassed of me. I also got on a scale for the first time in a while and my weight is up. I'm at my heaviest non-pregnant weight ever. I'm not surprised by it, I can tell by the way my clothes fit, but confirming it, isn't helping my mood. I just wish there was some way to fix this, to make it all stop. A magic pill or diet or exercise. If there was a way to make it go away, I would do it. Whatever it takes...