Dark Clouds, Silver-ish Linings

It's been crazy, as usual.  But new crazy.  I've been struggling with sleep since Thanksgiving.  Yeah, 3 months now.  I don't sleep AT ALL for 2-3 nights, then on the 3rd or 4th night I pass out exhausted.  So that's been a bit draining.  (Ya think?)  My endocrinologist is messing with my drug cocktail.  We've established that both the T4 & T3 hormones for Hashimoto's actually do help me.  I'll be back on both as of tomorrow, so I've got a week of build up until we can try something else.  In other words, same shit, different day.  *sigh*

Things with Little have been rough.

Her speech and learning issues are giving her some trouble.  She's okay, but she's having to work really hard to be okay. She brings stuff home and I help her.  Ultimately she's fine, she just needs extra help getting started or staying focused.  And if she perceives she can't do it, it's meltdown city.  I then spend a lot of time walking her through the work.  This will be for multiple assignments until her confidence has been restored.  So that's school work.

The really hard part has been that she's being bullied.  The bullying is mean girl stuff.  It's manipulative, under the radar, nastiness being done by girls who are supposedly her friends.  Every day she comes home and declares if she had a "good day or a bad day."  That report is directly related to how these girls have treated her that day.  On a positive note, she's gotten very skilled in what to do in negative social situations. Probably more skilled than a lot of adults.  That's the only positive thing I can say about it. Things are so bad, that when she goes off & does other activities during recess, like kickball, they will give her a hard time for doing something else! They'll hassle her because she was playing kickball instead of being abused hanging out with them.  It's bad. It's like, she moves away from them because they're jerks to her, but then they seek her out, SO THEY CAN BE JERKS TO HER, about her staying away! Her frustration and meltdowns are high, (mine too, can you tell?) By the end of the week her fuse is so short, you can pretty much get a meltdown from walking into the same room as her.  Honestly, she's doing an amazing job in a really hard situation.  All of her meltdowns are at home.  She holds it together in pubic.  No one knows about the girl she can be at home.  In relation to this, we started her in a 'social group' at her therapy group week before last.  It's with other girls like her; similar issues with sensory, flexible thinking, etc...  They work on how to deal with social conflicts.  They've giving the girls a virtual tool box to draw from when they're feeling bad. (Colors/codes to identify how they feel.  Things to do when feeling that way.)  Couple nights ago,  she built a "real" box of tools.  She did this because she was trying to chill from what we think is an anxiety attack.  (Yeah, it's that bad.)  So, she's embracing the ideas they're giving her and really trying.  She likes it, and the girls a lot, so at least it's something that's making her happy, right?

Lastly, I've got the school testing her for her learning disabilities.  It's becoming obvious that many of these things are not going to be "resolved."  At least, not any time soon.  I'm concerned that she will run into a teacher who isn't supportive of what (extra things,) she needs in her environment to be successful.  Beside the fact that the school should be paying for some of these services, I want them to have their own documentation on her.  If we do run into that educator, the one who isn't inclined to support her extra needs, I don't want to be starting from scratch with them, on getting her help.  We have an official IEP meeting scheduled for March. I'm terrified. IEP is the real deal.  I'm scared they're going to say she doesn't have needs that I know she has and then refuse to help her. I'm scared, I'll piss off the wrong person, (or already have, knowing me,) and that will impact how they treat her.  And a part of me is scared of hearing of the things she does have, giving a real name to them.  It's like her sensory defensiveness, we knew she had a sensory issue, we just didn't realize it was a full blown thing.  We chalked a lot up to personality.  When I learned it had a name & symptoms that she quite obviously fell into, I could not have felt more guilty.  There were tools and techniques we could have been using to help her, and we hadn't even considered them.  I suspect, there is more of that on the horizon for us.

Alright, that's enough of an update for now.  I've been putting off putting this stuff into words.  The bullying & my ongoing health issues drain me enough.  Writing about & thus reliving them, doesn't improve that.  It's not all doom & gloom.  Little is still Little, there's no holding that kid back. She has lots of high points too.  She fun and funny and crazy, like always.   And Big is in her 5th grade year.  Last year of elementary school.  (Also, I don't want to talk about, because I'm in denial  that she's so freaking OLD already!) There's been a lot of great, fun things going on with her too.  I'll try to get back on here in the next week to give you all some more of the positive stuff.  (And hopefully report that I'm sleeping again.)

Mean (Little) Girls...and Boys

We're into our 4th week of school, (I think).  Things seem to be going well.  BigSpeak really likes her teacher, as expected.  LittleSpeak is thriving.  And, knock on wood, but I seem to be doing pretty well.  My cocktail of meds seems about right.  I have small set backs; Big was home sick all of last week, and DaddySpeak was out of town for work, but I didn't collapse.  I had to scale back a bit this week to recover, but I seem to be doing well.  I feel like we're finally thriving, instead of just surviving.  It's a nice feeling.  I hope it lasts. 
One thing that's new is the stories Little has been coming home from school with every day.  At first I thought she was embellishing, as she's prone to do.  But as the days pass, and each day I get a similar tale, I'm starting to think maybe most of it is true.  Little's class seems to have an awful lot of chiefs and almost no Indians. Everyday she comes home with a story of how E told K she can't be in their club-du-jour.  Or how D threw his blocks at the teacher when she told him it was time to clean up.  Every day I hear how A told the teacher, he "hates school and the rules." 

What the heck???  Who are these kids???

I'm not sure if it's because this grade has a lot of siblings or if we're just paying more attention, but none of that type of stuff EVER came up in Big's class.  They were what you would expect of five year old boys and girls.  They were mostly sweet and very young.  This group?  These kids are like five going on fifteen.  

Little tells me these stories, pointing out, of course, how she isn't the perpetrator in any of these cases.  I fear, in fact, that she's one of the "good" kids. Which is really kinda scary for her teacher.  We know how strong-willed Little can be, and I think she might not hold a candle to some of these kids.  In fact, she has been a "victim" of the Mean Girls on more than one occasion.  (I've witnessed it going on during Big kid pick up.)  When I saw it happening to her, I wasn't entirely surprised.  The major culprit is a neighbor and Little and her are "hot & cold."  They're either the best of buds, or ready to go to blows.  Honestly, I'm not that crazy about this other girl, but Little seems to hold her own, so I'm going along for now.  The last time I saw the Mean Girl action occurring, I called her over and confirmed what I was seeing.  ("E says I can't be in their club because all their shoes flash and mine don't. It hurts my feelings.")  Little doesn't take it lying down either.  She gets all up in E's face, points her finger and tells her off.  And while her feelings are hurt, she doesn't turn into a puddle AT ALL.  But, anyone's self-esteem is going to take a hit at some point, so last time I saw this and called her over, this was our conversation?

"Ummm, yeah.  Little, first of all, there are NO CLUBS at school.  The only clubs that exist are ones that ANYONE can be in.  If they exclude someone, then that's not fair, or nice and it's a form of bullying.  There is NO Bullying allowed at school." 
"Also, E is not your firend."

Yeah she is mommy. And I want to play pink pony tag." (Or whatever crap they're into that day.)

"No Little, she's not.  A friend doesn't put conditions on being included.  A friend doesn't care if you have flashing shoes, or any shoes for that matter.  A friend, sees you have different shoes, and either points out how it's cool you're different.  Or suggests everyone take of their shoes, and be equal.  When she talks to you like that she's not being your friend.  Tell her you want to play, but not if she's going to be mean.  Then walk away and find someone who is a friend." 


They're FIVE!  It's gonna be a long year is all I'm saying.

My Bully Story

After the last week w/everyone talking about bullying I'm finally jumping on the bandwagon. So yeah, the topic has totally jumped the shark. I would've written this when everyone else was, but I've been sick, so I've been sending out emails w/links to really good posts I've seen on the topic instead. The ultimate retweet. ;-) Tonight I'm lying in bed, but can't really sleep yet, so what the heck, it's on my mind.
My oldest daughter's school has a strict "no bullying" policy. They have parents sign up to oversee it, come into the classroom & read books, talk about it. I'm pretty sure the kids all sign "contracts" agreeing not to do it, blah, blah, blah... Let's face it, kids don't always know what bullying is, you know it, when it happening to you, but a lot of the time it's much more subtle then what used to go on when we were kids.
When I was in 7th or 8th grade I was bullied. It probably wasn't the first time. It was the only time that I was truly scared. The girl was in my grade & I have no idea why I was picked, but she suddenly hated my guts and was going to "kick my ass". This girl was at least twice my size. She was easily 5' 8" & looked more like a 25yo than a 13yo. I was about 5'5" and not sure I weighed 100lbs soaking wet. She picked on me for several days with it accumulating to her "calling me out". See we had a "no tolerance policy" for bullying in my middle school also. The kids got around it, but planning their fights for after school. I didn't feel I could back down to her. I don't recall that I particularly stood up to her either. I've never really been known for my shyness when it comes to my mouth & sarcasm, (I know, you're shocked). I'm sure I had some quick responses to help her come to her decision to "kick my ass". I didn't tell any adults. What the heck were they going to do? If I did, my mom would make her drive me to and from school and that would fuel the fire, and make me feel like the loser this girl was telling me I was. No, I stood my ground & told her I'd meet her after school to get my ass kicked as planned. I don't think that's exactly what I said, but that's sure how I felt. I remember it quite clearly, even now. I was lucky. I had a group of really good friends. They were quite concerned for my life. Most likely they were afraid I'd ask one of them to be my second, and my adversary's BFF was built like her, so I'm sure my friends were not looking forward to that. Someone told. Probably one of my friends. I got pulled out of 3rd period by the Vice Principal. (Yeah, I still remember what period of school it was, guess it all made an impression.) I was shocked to be honest. She told me what she knew, which was pretty much what was going on. I remember her asking me why I didn't tell. "How do you think that would've improved my situation?" It was middle school, the VP wasn't new, she knew exactly what I meant and she didn't have a different or better answer for me. In the end, parents were called in, then we (my bully and I) were called in, together. The VP "mediated" how we were to interact from here on out and as far as I know that's as far as it went. This girl was not new to getting in trouble, but that was pretty much the end of it. As an adult I suspect her mother had been told that her kid would be expelled if it continued, or something along those lines. I really don't know. I just know she more or less left me alone after that.
Do you know what I learned from that experience? Nothing.
No one came along and said here's a better way to deal with this. Adults understood why I felt I couldn't tell, but also couldn't give me a different or better way to deal with this situation. Back in the day, it wasn't considered inappropriate to tell your kid to stick up for themselves and/or teach them to fight. Now, it is. So the only real answer we have for our kids is for them to tell. In some ways I suppose that's good. No one expects you to fight back. At least, not the sane people; the adults.

My daughter told me of an incident that had her in tears recently. A boy had pushed and hit one of her friends in the back during recess. When she first told me, she was so upset, I thought it must have happened to her. When I did get the full story out of her, I learned it had happened several days before. I asked her how they responded, and they did tell an adult, but apparently it isn't the first or last time this kid has done this type of thing. The girls involved did not feel that this child was reprimanded over this incident. I was torn as to how much weight to give the subject. I basically told her she, and her friends need to stick up for each other and tell an adult. I also (failed miserably I'm afraid,) told her that boys will do stuff like that when they like you and to basically get used to it. (While that may be true, it was the part that made me not want to give it too much weight, and it's the part I failed at most.) I really didn't like the answer I gave her and the whole thing was stuck in my head for a while. Then I realized it was because what happened was a form of bullying. That's why she was so upset, and why my answer sucked so much. Since this time, this boy has been suspended once this year for hitting. I happen to know the kid, and he has bigger issues than being a potential bully. I also, don't think he realizes the intimidation his actions bring. I really don't, but like I said, this particular kid, much bigger issues. I did talk to Big about it some more after that. We talked about intimidation, and how that's how that boy made her and her friends feel when he did that. We talked about what that felt like, that "icky, ball in the pit of your stomach" feeling. Words like intimidation and bully, don't really have weight w/her yet. But when I asked her to describe the feeling, she knew it. She knows, no one should be allowed to make her feel that way. We talked about give people power and how not to do that. It's obviously a conversation we need to continue. She's seven, it's heavy. You know it, when you feel it, but it you haven't, sometimes it's too much to comprehend. I also told her I felt the yard duty and myself had not handled it as well as we could have and why. I told her in the future, I would be better prepared to help her if the adults who were there didn't deal with it the way it ought to be dealt with, like this time. If the school has a no tolerance policy, then something should have happened with the kid at that time. Other kids need to feel that their word means something or they'll continue to be silent.

I feel better about it now. This all happened before the rash of gay suicides. Now that it's a headline topic, it seemed appropriate to bring it up.

Reality is that there are NO good answers when it comes to bullying. But an open dialog, and explaining things in terms kids can understand are a good step in the right direction. Understanding that part of bullying is giving someone power to make you feel a certain way. A way that isn't good. That no one has the right to make you feel that way. THAT is what we need our kids to understand. THAT is what we want them to tell us. Silence is what those bullies are counting on.

FYI--My bully. She sent me a friend request on Facebook not all that long ago. Yeah, um, not. We might be past it, but that doesn't mean I want to hang out with you, even 30 years later.

Not Such A Smart Cookie

Today, I finished (knock on wood) my turn as the "cookie mom" for Big's Brownie troop. Next year, when they ask for a volunteers, someone please kick me & remind me to volunteer to bring soda's to the Christmas party or something. I NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER want to deal with money again! Gah!
What possessed me to volunteer for such a position in the first place you wonder? Guilt. What else, would force a perfectly sane person to choose to deal in with this level of stress and NOT be paid for it? When I signed up to do this position, it was October/November. I hadn't volunteered for anything in ages. I had my surgery in January, so that pretty much explains why I hadn't volunteered for anything, and the year before that was the reason for the surgery. I'd volunteered for a few things, but not much. So I was finally feeling better when the request for the troop cookie chair came up. Every other mom had totally put out for the troop during that last two years AND everyone else pretty much took a big step back and looked at ME! I fell for it, because of the guilt.
Initially, it seemed like it wouldn't be a big deal. We only have 12 girls in our troop and we weren't doing booth sales. "We wanted some funds so help the girls do some fun things, but we weren't some super troop!" I attended the training & thought, "Ok, I can deal with this." And initially, it was fine.

Round 1
Explained process to girls (and their moms). Hand out supplies, due dates & we're off and running. Everything is great.

Round 2
Girls turn in their orders and money for donation boxes. (People can purchase cookies to donate to the military, Red Cross or local food banks. We don't actually handle these boxes, so council wants money up front to know how much to order.) Had to chase down one girl for her info and two girls for money. One girl actually didn't get her money in, but others had collected for some of their regular orders & it was $20, it was covered & I'd be sure to get it when she paid for the rest. First mistake. Lesson: Same rules apply to everyone.

Round 3
Input girls orders (order actual cookies). Deposit donation money. Pick up cookies. Sort & distribute cookies. This is where I started to get all, "what did I get myself into?" I knew, but I didn't really know, until we had to take a van 2x to pick up our cases of cookies. Good thing we weren't a super troop. Sorting, while not really a huge deal, took way more time than I expected, and took a major toll on my physically. Had to chase down 4 girls to come pick up their cookies. One of them, for over a week!

Round 4
Money starts coming in! There were some mix ups with boxes, so many phone calls related to that. I was good about documenting all the exchanges and receipts for everyone. (Thank Goodness!) About half the troop got all their stuff delivered and turned in their money early or on the actual date I deemed due. (I'm not a fool, I padded my dates because I knew there would be stragglers.) I was also able to get a troop to troop transfer set up so that are extra boxes would not cost the troop. The stragglers killed me on this one. So, half, six of the girls got their money in on time or early. For the other six, two of them called & brought it the next day. One of them called me every day for five days to make sure they could hold off just one more day. She also wasn't sure they'd turned in as much as they thought they had for donation (they'd turned in more) even though she'd signed off on the amount on a receipt. Gah!!! The last two to turn in, one lives a couple doors down from me, and was just sitting on it. The last, was supposed to come over after school drop off, the day before my stuff was due. I hadn't slept the night before, so I called to see if we could meet after lunch. She was doing something unrelated and obviously had no intention of making it to my house anytime soon. Day flew by & we never met up. Called her at 8 PM & asked if I needed to come get it or if she could bring it over, because I had till midnight to finish my computer work. When she brought it over, she felt there was a discrepancy in the amount they'd turned in during donation time. She too had signed a receipt for the amount, but now looking back, thinks it must be wrong. But,she just write a check for the difference if I disagreed. (Said in a particular tone, indicating she didn't want to pay that difference & sure didn't think she needed to.) I told her to go home, I'd figure it all out & if there was more due, I'd call her later. In the end there was money missing, but the leaders and I agreed we didn't want to strain friendships over it, and the troop ate the difference.

What I learned?
From the moment I deal with money, make sure I keep each individuals stuff separate, even the deposits. I didn't do this for our donation money, I deposited in the bank all together. I should've done each girl's deposit separately so I could go back with the bank record to show each person. Also?

I will NOT deal with money for an organization again!

My First Best Friend (4) --Part 3

OMyGawd!OMyGawd!OMyGawd!

Guess who sent me a message today on Facebook. Ok, ok, I'll calm down a bit. I was just so damn sideswiped by it, you know. I mean I'm going along having a day. Little's at preschool, Big's having a playdate and her and I just got back from our dentist appointment. I hit the refresh button on my computer in passing, you know, not really expecting anything. Well, except for all those "sales" and "coupons" that seem to fill up my inbox these days...So I immediately go to the 3 FB notes; 2 are from a school friend who posted old high school photos of us, lovely. But the third! The third is a note from her! Just a quick, "Hi, your family is beautiful and Wow! Look at those scrapbook pages." (I get a lot of that from people who don't know better. ;-) But still, it's the first personal contact she's initiated in 15+ years. OK, I'm going to go practice my cleansing breaths and think about what 2 "not committal, casual sentences I can write back, w/out sounding desperate." Which is kind of pathetic isn't it? More later.

My First Best Friend (3) --Part 2

So it looks like there may be a new chapter in our dusty book. Well, maybe.

You see, in the last several month my old high school buddies have gotten very active on Facebook. I went to the reunion last year, and had a blast. Re-acquainted w/several old friends and now, because of Facebook we're all keeping in touch in ways we never dreamed. Don't think I haven't looked for her over the years. First on classmates, especially as we got closer to the reunion. Nothing. I more or less resigned myself that, that was it. As much as I hate to admit it, and small part of me might always hope, we probably would never be friends again. I'm sure it's for the best as far as my heart is concerned, but there will always be a part of me that hopes. There's still a small part of me that hopes some day she'll want to reconnect. I hate that. I hate feeling so vulnerable, still.

Guess who's on Facebook?

There's a bunch of meme's that have been going around our high school group. They've actually been a lot of fun, a quick way to catch up with each other on mundane things. She was linked on someone's this week. Like myself, she used her married name instead of including her maiden, so I had to check her pix to be sure, but it's her. She looks the same. She even has the same haircut from our freshman year, it is back in style. I'm on Facebook ALL. THE. TIME. because I'm still in recovery mode. I know she's had to have seen my pix linked to several of these memes. So I know, she knows I'm on. But she never sent a friend request. Do I send her one?

OMG! It's high school dating all over again!!!
After a couple days of debating I sent her a friend request, I was too curious not to. So this evening she accepted it. No message accompanying it, just hit the button and moved on. I included a quick note in my request of my maiden name (so she'd know who I was, but I hear I look the same, I happen to know I look better ;-) & the standard, "what have you been up to?" So now, I've checked out her profile & pix; married, still in the town where we went to college, 3 kids. Do I write her? Do I dare put myself out there to be ignored again? Do I still care that much?

This, my friends, is where our or I guess I should say MY current chapter lies. For all I know, she hasn't given me a second thought over the past 20 years. Jeez, I wasn't this stressed about reconnecting w/old flames, but then I don't care about them anymore. Not in the "I wish we could still be friends" sort of way. I do know this; even after 20 years, there's still a hole in my heart from her. I haven'd decided what I'm going to do yet. What do you think?

My First Best Friend (2) --part 1

I'll bet you thought it was part 1 cause I'm splitting the story up. Surprise! It's because there's a recent new chapter in this story, but we'll get to that....

If you just got here, the beginning of the story starts here.

So as I mentioned, Marie and I had been the very best of friends for over 9 years by this time. As was typical of us we joined different social groups, but still hung out together & just introduced each other to all our new friends. One of the groups Marie joined was Young Life. It's a Christian based Youth Group. We had a very large group at our high school and we were both members. I'm pretty sure I'm the one who dragged her to it to begin with, the chapter at our school was so large that we had student leaders and I was one of them. That first semester of college I was doing my best to just stay in school, so I wasn't joining anything. But like I said, I went to the parties at Marie's complex and with the small group of friends I'd made in the dorms. My room mate and I could not have been more different. At this point we were still more or less on speaking terms, but by December it was clear we would never be friends. (Another story for another time.) By the end of that semester I had become pretty good friends with one girl in particular in the dorms, Louise. At the start of second semester Louise and I had decided to rush a little sister program to one of the fraternities. We had some good guy friends in that fraternity and thought it would be fun. And we were right, it was fun. Marie wasn't interested, she was busy enough w/our friends from the complex and her Young Life group. I didn't think much of it at the time. But, it was around this time that we started to grow apart. There were two guys in the complex that we had become very good friends with, Don and Liam. Don and I were such good friends that we got our ears pierced together (I still can't believe he hasn't come out of the closet, but he swears he's not gay, just metro. Last I talked to him he was married w/a couple of kids, so who knows.) I thought Don and her were friends like this also, but later I found that they were more along the lines of "Friends w/Benefits." When things between her and Don went South is when she really started to pull away. She got a lot more involved w/her Young Life group and I understood, we'd both had serious boyfriends in high school and dealt with type of stuff before. In the past, the other had stayed friends w/the guy if they were already friends and once the "mourning period" was over it was fine. And if the other asked, we'd have dropped the guy friend in a heartbeat, but neither of us had ever asked that of each other. This time something had changed. She stopped hanging out with anyone not in the Young Life group. I would go to parties at her next door neighbors and she wouldn't, it was kind of weird. I tried going to the Young Life meetings and such, but this particular group was heavy on the religion and the judgment, and I wasn't looking for that. I was honestly surprised she liked hanging around this group, but you know to each their own. I tried going to the church w/her, but it was very New Age-y and I wasn't into that at all. (I'm Catholic Lite, I'm all about guilt and exercise during my mass. I went to one service w/her when people were getting up sharing their family's personal problems. It was group therapy w/a religious theme. Growing up Catholic it weirded me out. But my point is that I tried.) I was getting pretty involved with the little sister group I was pledging and wasn't exactly sitting on my duff waiting for her phone call either. By the end of the year it became apparent she didn't want to be friends anymore. I'd call her to do stuff; go to the mall, a party, etc...she wasn't interested. Ever. The friendship became very one-sided and pretty soon, she just stopped returning my phone calls. If we had gone to different colleges it would've been a normal progression, but we didn't. It was very hard for me to come to grips with it. I think I would've understood it, if it had happened our first semester, but we'd weathered that and our friendship had been as strong as ever. Then all the sudden, bam! Nothing. And there didn't seem to be a good reason for it. Every time we'd be on break, if I talked to anyone from our old group of high school friends, the first thing they'd ask is if I'd talked to her. They just couldn't believe after all this time that she'd dropped me too. But she had. My parents would run into hers as the years went by and she'd gotten very, very religious. She didn't really want to have much to do with anyone who wasn't part of her church, including her parents. It was so weird. It wasn't like I was anti-religion, I just wasn't into her church, that had never been an issue for us before. Somehow, this group she was with convinced her that if she was hanging w/people who weren't practicing their faith in the same way then she was going to hell with us, so she dropped us. (I know this is NOT typical of a Young Life group and was the result of individuals w/in that group at that time. I do also know that, that group of people is where this start from.) We both finished college in the same major, so yes, we did see each other for the next four years on a fairly regular basis, but you'd never know the kind of friends we'd been. We even had a lecture class together, she came in after me and chose to sit in the back somewhere else. Point taken.

During that time I took that stance that I didn't need that kind of friend anyway. She'd changed, and not for the better. I had plenty of friends on my own and didn't need to go chase her down if she wasn't interested. The truth was that I was injured beyond belief. My heart was broken and I didn't know how to fix it. No one talks about broken hearts from your best friend dropping you, only boyfriends. If you think about it, I was in a 9 year relationship and now she was indifferent. How does that happen??? I "refused to dwell on it," so I didn't really deal with it and I let it fester for years. All of my good girl friendships were measured by this one, and tempered by it. There was a part of me that didn't want to get too close to anyone again. I didn't ever want to be hurt by indifference again. And it still hurts now, after 20 years.

I've made some good friends over the years, but none like Marie. I don't think I've idealized our friendship, I just think, in some ways, we were more mature about our friendships when we were younger. The bottom line is I've never gotten over her. I've never had a best girl friend since Marie. Our 20 year reunion was last year, she didn't show and no one seemed to know where she'd ended up for sure. I didn't dwell on it too much, but several people at the reunion did bring it up. I guess I figured that was pretty much the end of it. This was the extent of closure I'm going to get from this situation. It sucks, but that's real life. If it were a Lifetime Network movie, she would've shown up at the reunion, music would've played and all the years would've melted away.

Ummm, yeah, it's not a movie, so that's that, right? Then I joined Facebook....

My First Best Friend--part 1

We were 10 years old in 5th grade when she came to our school. She had strawberry blond hair and was a little on the pudgy side; getting ready for that tween growth-spurt that was eminent for all of us. I don't remember if this was the exact day she started our school, but I do remember swinging on the monkey-bars with her at recess, and sticking up for her when some class bully was looking for her weak-link being that she was new and all. It was that recess when it became clear that we would be friends. Up until that point I had, had two good girl friends, both dictated by location more than anything else. When Marie moved in, I made my first real friend. We were friends by our choice. We didn't really live close to each other, and our folks were never what you would call "friends". In a lot of ways, your first true friend is like your first true love. We made a lot of mistakes in our friendship, but somehow we weathered them. None of them were such that I really remember any of the arguments very clearly.

During middle school our group of girlfriends grew to include 3 others and a fourth joined us in high school, and of course there were a few boys that hung with us too, but Marie and I were the best of friends within that group. We had very separate interests outside of school; she was on swim team; the result of a a doctor's prescription for bad knees and I was in dance. Instead of that pulling us apart it just included extras into our friendship. We tired to make sure we got classes together if we could, but we didn't try to influence the other's choices; she took Spanish & I took French. I went to her swim meets, she came to my dance recitals. We had, what I know now, was a very adult approach to our friendship. It was entirely based on the fact that we genuinely liked each other. No other reason then that.

I started out kindergarten w/our group of kids and knew everyone. She came in later, so when we started high school, and "shy" Marie decided she was going to run for class president, I have to admit to being a bit surprised. Our little gaggle of girls walked her around to every freshman in the class (330) and introduced her. She won. She was our class president for 3 years and was able to make everyone in our class feel included. Marie and I were even co-editors of the school newspaper together. I'm sure we drove our adviser crazy, but it was a lot of fun. Marie wasn't really all that shy. I knew that, but you had to get to know her in those early days to find that out. It was Marie who handed me my first cocktail our sophomore year of high school; 151 w/a splash of Coke for color. I'll tell you the story of that party later. The point is that we weathered all the usual friendship bumps without many issues. Our friendship was stronger than that.

All that being said, when it came time to apply for colleges no one in our group talked about where they were really applying to go to. There was some unwritten code that we would all let each other know where we were going, once we'd decided for sure. I guess we shouldn't have been all that surprised that Marie and I both applied to the same schools. We both wanted to go into journalism so it made sense. I don't think the rest of our friends really believed us about not talking about it before hand, but really we didn't. In the end, we both choose the same college. As our friendship had always gone we did decide not to room together in the dorms (meet more people this way, make more friends). Marie didn't get her form in or something and did not get a room in the dorms. Opps! She was able to get into an just off-campus apartment which operated like the dorms, pairing roommates together. It was for the best, we would know of all the fun parties on campus and off! We both moved in on the same day, a week before school started. Every day we'd lay by the pool and every night we knew where all the parties were, and we were at them. A few days before school started, I got very, very sick. It was Marie who knew me well enough to know it wasn't just too much partying and borrowed her room mate's car to get me to the hospital. I was dehydrated and went from 115 lbs to 100 lbs in 3 days (years later I would find out it was IBS from Fibromyalgia). I was sent home and missed that first week of college. I'm pretty sure my parents would've made me withdraw, except they knew Marie was there & would watch out for me. That first semester moved us along, more or less, like we always had. Missing the first week of school made it a bit harder for me to make friends, but I did. And, the kids at Marie's apartment complex were fun to hang out with anyway. It wasn't until the second semester when our relationship changed.

More later this week...