just plodding along

So guess who has pink eye again!!! No, no guess!

I'm sure work has got to be like, "she is so getting fired". Who the hell gets two cases of pink eye in one month, w/out their kids getting it???? I do. I'm a freak of nature that's for sure.

So the last couple days; less then stellar. I'll spare you the details otherwise you may never come back, and lately I've noticed that my traffic has been more active, so I don't want to ruin a good thing. You know, it's the funniest thing, ever since I left a post entitled "my boobs hurt" my traffic has gone up tenfold. Go figure. The answer is p0rn folks, when in doubt the answer to anything web related is p0rn.

Yes, this means I'm watching you. I have a stat counter, don't be fooled my my mediocre blog I know how to "lift" other people's code as well as the next guy. Other interesting thing, (at least to me) half of my regular readers; outside of the US. And not Canada either, although there are a few of you from up there that visit regularly, "Hi! Yes, you! Yes, I see you, HI, yeah, thanks for coming by I really appreciate it." I find that tidbit really interesting. Quite a few of you are from Europe and quite a few from the land of OZ. As a marketing person it just makes me wonder it that's typical of blogs in my demographic or if there's something about mine that specifically appeals to you guys. I know, you could care less. But I still wonder. I also have to say there are a few of you reading that are very near by and that makes me sort of nervous. I wish there was a way I could know more specifics about an IP address. I'd really like to know if a few of you do work with me (cause it sure looks like it). (No, it's not me I'm looking at, I know the IP addresses I'm logging from) although it could be the IT dept at my work, which would be interesting. Things that make you go, hmmmmm. Well, they make me go hmmmm!

Ok, so just to give you an idea of how my day as been; the cherry on top of today's sundae is that right now I'm listening to BS SCREAMING herself to sleep. So fun. DS is on a business trip so I'm tired (and a little sick), the girls are going stir crazy and I still have a ton of stuff to do tonight so I can go to work tomorrow. Sorry so boring tonight, but hey several day of gratuitous pix of the girls, I can't be beautiful every day.

Easter Angels

Forget the bunny, we had angels visit us this Easter. I know, I know, cheeeeeze-eeee! But I can't stand how cute they look in this pix. So. Damn. Cute!

Happy Easter!!!

On being a Mom

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about this topic. As I’ve mentioned, things at work have been less then stellar. They aren’t horrible. In fact, all things considered, it’s still running pretty smoothly. The reality is that I’m not really into being here at work. And I’m honest enough with myself to know it’s not the job, it’s me. I’d rather be someplace else; at home. Not just at home, but at home with my babies. I also think I mentioned that DS said I could make this move if I wanted to. That sounds like such an odd way to put it. If you know me IRL you know that asking my husband for permission in a job related topic is way out of the norm for me. Once upon a time, in a former life, I was career minded! I was making the big bucks (relatively), traveling the world, making decisions regarding hundreds of thousands of dollars. I was a platinum member of United’s frequent flyers. Truth be told I got burned out on all of this way before any babies came along. But the choice to leave my job; aka—my paycheck, is something that affects us as a family. Our lifestyle would have to change, so to a degree I am asking him permission. There was a time in my life when working full time and being a mom would’ve been necessary. I would not have been as good of a mom if I felt I wasn’t being fulfilled in the areas related to my career. That’s part of how I know I had my kids at the right time in my life. I’ve had the opportunity to “accomplish” many of those career goals. I realized that some of them were very short-lived and hollow. I’m not disregarding them. Those goals were important for me. For my self-esteem, I needed to go that route to grow as a person and have a better sense of myself. My “career-minded” self accomplished a lot in a very short period of time. I’m proud of her; she’s smart, hard-working, well-traveled. All those things helped shape the person I am now. They help define the kind of mom I am to my girls and the way in which I hope to raise them. I’m a huge proponent of mom’s who work outside the home (all mom’s work). I think it’s really important for our daughters to have strong role models, both inside and outside the home. But I also realize that jobs are just that, jobs. A company will lay you off at a moments notice if that’s what they have to do to make the bottom line. Twenty years of service to a company (ha, who works anywhere for more then 2 years anymore?) will get a (fake) gold watch, and that’s about it. Twenty years of raising my daughters, will get me…I’m not sure how to put it into words. Memories.

The bottom line is this; I am going to quit my job. We need to sit down with a financial planner and put together a solid budget. Something realistic. hahahahahhaha. We may need to refinance or pay off our rental property or something, I’m not sure, but we have the means to make this happen and we will make it happen. I realized recently that while this last year has been hard at times, I’m not going to get it back. TS and BS will only be this size once and they need me. I want this. I will never put this on my girls as some sacrifice I made for them, it’s entirely for me. I can’t get this time back, and God forbid, if I found out tomorrow that my time on this earth was more limited then I originally thought the first thought in my head would not be “I wish I’d worked more”. I know it will be I need more time with my family, especially those girls.

Catch Up Monday

Hey, I think you’re mostly caught up. Amazing, no? This weekend was (obviously) fairly low key. Spring has sprung (more or less) around here and the weather has been so very nice, this is the time of year when I remember why we pay so much to live here. It’s been about 70-75 degrees every day. We spent the weekend doing things like cleaning and baby proofing the house and drinking cocktails while watching the kids play in the wadding pool or sprinklers.

Mommy has sangria in one hand, camera in the other! :)


I have been extra klutzy as of late. I know, I know, how can that be, I’m pretty klutzy in my normal routine. On Thursday I managed to fall on the concrete steps outside out building (at work). It was very random, my ankle just turned on me. But I didn’t spill a drop of coffee, and I did land flat on my arce. Well, not quite flat, I managed to land squarely on the right side of my arce and hip—to undo any good those epidural shots are doing for me. On Friday, I some how landed on the corner of a file drawer that was sitting in front of the closet of our study at home. I caught the corner w/my left calf and have a very gnarly bruise (purple, green, yellow, red). Pretty, pretty.

Don’t ask why the file drawer was sitting in the middle of the room, it’s long story.

So I'm still having pain issues, but normal ones, that get better and (hopefully) go away.

We also had an incident with our dryer and a crayon this weekend. A black crayon. I have managed to get the crayon out of most of the affected clothing (3 wash loads and a lot of Oxyclean later), but the inside of my dryer is metallically looking and I’m afraid to put anything in it now. Anyone with any advice on that front (my mother’s suggestion: buy a new dryer) would be much appreciated. (My mother, also the one who seems to have forgotten to check all pockets of aforementioned clothing. She, of course, denies all knowledge/responsibility. The wash apparently walked itself into the washer & dryer that day.)

So I guess it wasn’t quite as boring as I indicated, huh?

Now, I’m off to plan a b-day party for a one-year-old (sob).

11 Months....Then and Now

Then and ....
Now

kinda weird to think that a year ago she was in that tummy of mine. now she's cleaning out my tupperware drawer, making me babyproof the house, telling me no, keeping me up at night, eating my meals for me, wrapping those little arms around my neck, chasing the dogs and cats, playing in the bathtub and pool, dancing the mambo, putting shapes into sorters, giving kisses and hug and breaking her mama's heart cause she's growing up so fast.

Catch up Monday

Hola Internet. How are you? Me? I’m good I guess. I don’t even know how to answer that question any more. I’m still on the rollercoaster ride, that’s for sure. Sorry I haven’t updated sooner, it’s just been a really long week. So here’s your “Catch up Monday”; Wednesday will be “Medical Drama Wednesday”, Thursday will be “Love Thursday” and Monday will be henceforth be known as “Catch up Monday”. After today I’m sure I will totally blow off these things, but I like to set goals like that for myself so I can blow them off and feel good about myself. I’m a self-promoter like that.

Health
The pink-eye in my right eye is looking better, not gone, but better. I’ve been on antibiotics (eye goop) for 5 days now and one would think it should look “healed” by now. Of course, this morning I woke up with a goopy, red LEFT eye. I put medicine in it and called my doctor’s office to find out if this means I’m contagious again. I’m at work, so let’s hope not. Ironically, neither of the girls has the pink-eye.

On Wednesday the chest congestion mentioned at the doctor’s visit decided to make public appearance. Since then I have had a horrendous cough. It’s dry, it’s hacky, it sounds like I’m going to put my lung on the table. It’s a nasty cough. Lots or gross stuff is coming up with it, but it doesn’t really seem to be improving on any level. I have these coughing jags that literally last for 3-5 minutes. I can’t catch my breath & people will leave the place I’m in if its public (like starbuck’s this AM). My throat and my diaphragm muscle both feel like someone has beaten the crap out of them. I think my throat seriously might be bruised. I also have an unbelievably raspy voice. Talking on the phone is next to impossible. I think it has also given me a headache. I have a call into my doctor for follow up.

Work
I know I said wasn’t planning on talking about work (see docce). But (there’s always a “but” isn’t there?) I’m totally being F’ed with these days. I’m being reorganized again. Last time it was really a positive for me; I like my boss, I like my job, I love my co-workers. If I could well enough to be here on a regular basis, it might even be fun. The person I’m going to be reporting to has no management experience (in regard to personal) and she’s a be-yoch at best anyway. I can’t see how this can end well for me. I’ve spoken with DS and he has agreed that I can quit if I think I need to (he knows I wouldn’t do it if we couldn’t afford it financially). My current boss is acting in his position, and currently interviewing for the position he’s been filling for the last year and a half, so I imagine there’s a part of him that feels he needs to keep a low profile on this topic. Also, no one approached him or his boss on this subject. (True Silicon Valley fashion) I’m not alone, there’s one other person who is being moved out of our group as well. Her situation is better then mine. I don’t intend to sit back and allow this happen. I imagine I’ll have more to report on this subject later, but I’m working on our (home) budget as if I weren’t working.

Kids
BS is “on fire” these days. She’s crawling/scooting/cruising all over the place. We’ve done some baby proofing, but definitely still have much more to do. She’s so damn cute, she starts to go toward something she’s not supposed to (like under the desk to the computer wires) and you’ll say, “BS what are you doing?” She’ll sit up, grin this HUGE grin at you and shake her head “no”. Then she’ll continue crawling in the direction she was headed, knowing you’ll come get her. That one’s going to be our joker I think.

TS had a stellar play date on Saturday w/5 friends (all girls). We rode bikes around the block to the elementary school by our house and they played on the playground. Then we rode back to one family’s house and had beer and wine while the kids played on their swing set. (It was so down home, middle class America.) We topped it off by ordering pizza and having dinner together while we watched KU lose or UCLA win, depending on your perspective. One thing I noticed during this play date is that TS is at least 2 inches taller then everyone else. This could start to make things hard as people will think she’s older than she is and have unrealistic expectations of her.

Pets
Mowry is no longer with us. Last week he started jumping the fence. He’d jump over, he’d jump back, and he’d take off and jump back. Neighbors would return him, we’d tie him up, but he second he was untied he’d start in again. There was no obvious reason for his agitation. After several days of this I finally told DS to go ahead and take him to the pound. I was scared he was going to get hit by a car (neighbors reported seeing him walking down the sidewalk on the busy street by our house). We filled out paperwork on him and made it clear that he’s a great dog, but quite the escape artist. We also made sure they knew he had issues with containment, so hopefully that will help in their treatment of him. That’s all you’ll hear about it from me, it makes me really sad to think about.

On an up note, Merit is MUCH HAPPIER. She’s getting to hang out with us much more and I’m seeing a side to her personality that hasn’t been around for a while. I feel bad that she’s been so unhappy for so long. There is a level of tension that has been lifted, so ultimately it was the best decision for us as a family.


Extended Family
My FIL visited for the weekend. DS called & invited him to go to the KU games with him, so he flew out Thursday and is flying home as I write. It was actually a really great visit. He babysat for us on Friday while we went to a wine tasting fund raiser. He got much closer to both the girls and it was really good for all of them. My MIL is a bit overpowering when it comes to the grandkids and tends not to let him do much. After watching them Friday night which included dinner and bedtime, he was gung ho to take on anything. I told him I thought this was a really neat visit for both him and the girls. TS was demanding stories and walks from him on Friday (they took 3 walks). It was really good.

Ok, I guess I need to do some actual work today. More later.

Day of the Living Dead or Somthing like that...

Guess what!! No, really, Guess! I'm sick again! Yup! No, really. I know statistically it's ridiculous to think that one. more. thing. like this could happen to me, but it has. I'm a walking Murphy's law that's what I am. I have (drum roll please) the dreaded PINK EYE!

I have a good friend who just fell off her chair laughing. Maybe even peed herself. She's from another country and they don't call it that, so there's this whole thing to the South Park episode for her and she finds the term hilarious. I know, don't ask, she's Welsh, it's limey humour. Now I just fell over laughing. No, it's not really that funny, but I know I'm going to get an email about how they're Welsh, so they can't be Limey's. But like the way I spelled humour for her?

Yeah, I know, not all that funny. But dude, if you've had the medical crap going on that I've had in the last six months? Well, then you'd be a little loopy too.

So no work for me till Monday, cause (I'm quoting the doctor here), "It's an impressive case of Pink Eye". When I go, I go big.

Can't say I'm not consistent. Know how there's "Love Thursday? Maybe we should have "Weekly Medical Drama Wednesday".

Best Wife EVAH!

Yup, that's me. Know what I did last night? (Get your mind out of the gutter, jeez, it's a mommy blog, not cheap pr0n!) I got my hubby tickets to this. That would the NCAA in San Jose and his team is playing!!!! So I got onto ebay and worked a little auction magic. Woohoo for ebay! I guess I should say "Rock-Chalk-JAYHAWK" for ebay.

Anniversary

Today is the 4th anniversary of the war in Iraq. I know I don’t usually wax political mostly because I don’t have the time to spout on that soapbox—I’m too busy on my mommy soapbox. Believe it or not, I do have some pretty strong opinions about things political. I live in a “blue state” and would say most of my views fall generally in line with that and pretty much always have. Yes, I’m a liberal, at least by American standards. (That’s practically a dirty word in some places.) Really, I could be a Republican if the Republicans were actually following their own manifesto, but they aren’t and so I’m not. I am registered Democrat for what it’s worth, but there’s a lot I don’t agree with on their front too. I only registered Democrat so I could have a vote in the primary elections. I feel our current administration has become a “runaway government”, I keep waiting for Bush to declare Divine Right, since he pretty much did already to get into office in the first place. (Yes, Gore won that election, I don’t want to argue about it, there’s no point now, but he did beat Bush. The numbers don’t lie; hanging chads and all.) I think our country has taken a tremendous step backward in terms of civil rights and it depresses me to think about it too much, so I don’t. And that’s a large part of the problem; most American’s seem to be like me; they aren’t happy about things, but we don’t know how to go about making an effective change, so we ignore it and hope it’ll work itself out. I suppose that’s ok except there’s this war thing. People die as a result of war and that does more then just suck eggs. I’m not sure what the answer is on all of this, I do know this; Bush created a big mess and once again will leave it for someone else to clean up.

I am one of that 30% (yeah, over here, that’s us) who was opposed to the war from the beginning and never wavered in my feelings. I didn’t care if Saddam had WMDs (if he did we gave them to him, I mean we put him in power and are you familiar with Iran-Contra? We’re assholes like that.) And I never bought into the whole Saddam as part of the 9/11 plot—I’m in PR, I understand spin and I could see (anyone w/half a brain could’ve) through the spin-doctor’s message that was being presented to us.

I was against the war because I don’t think it’s ok to invade another country unprovoked. I wasn’t happy about the first Iraq war, but I (sort of) understood it. This one was all about Bush’s oil cronies and anyone could see that. And our troops are paying the price for that—it’s not right. I support the efforts of our troops, but I think they’re being used inappropriately. There are other causes in this world that are worth dying over before this one (see –Darfur). It breaks my heart to think about the lives lost/altered over this and the affect this kind of effort in other areas of the world could do that would be so much more positive.

One of the things that bugs me the most about all of this is how history will look back on it. The history books will indicate that public opinion was for the war at the time it was started. Well my husband and I were not part of that public opinion. I want my kids to know how we felt about these things when they were happening and why we felt that way. I think it’s important. History may dictate that this was the right thing to do. In the end the Middle East may become more stable (not likely) and more lives may be saved ultimately. If that’s the case then bully for us, but I doubt it will be. I was pregnant (and hormonal) with TS when the war started. I realized a lot of these things then and I wrote a letter to my unborn child about how we felt about these things and why. It’s in her baby box w/her first cards, and hospital bracelet. I want her (and now BS) to understand that we don’t think it’s ok to be a bully or to dictate what other cultures should do. Saddam was a bad person and we may have done the right thing, but for the wrong reasons, and that doesn’t make it ok. It’s apparent now that this action wasn’t thought through, partly because those making the decisions didn’t understand the culture in the country they were invading.

Sometime I wonder what kind of a world we’re leaving to our children. I would like to think I’m doing things to make the world a better place, but as with most American’s I would say I’m mostly not sure what to do and I’m waiting for someone to tell me. Do you have any answers?

And now a quick word….

I know, I know, I’ve been MIA. AGAIN! It’s been quite a week. And that’s most of what you’re going to get for now. I’m exhausted. Epidural went well, meaning I’m not in a wheelchair, but the heavens did not open up with Angels singing. It is very slowly starting to feel a bit better. I have some feeling again in my foot: PAIN. So that’s progress. I have to have another shot next week.

Work has been awful. It’s politics AGAIN. I still can’t talk about it, but if I actually cared about my job, I’d be really pissed off. Since I don’t care, I’m just really annoyed and tired.

BS is cutting her 4th tooth and the accompanying snot seems to have settled into a cold in her eye. She is a full-fledged imp now, crawling/scooting/cruising all over the damn house. Baby proofing MUST be completed this weekend. She informed me of an electrical socket we missed covering already tonight. Don’t worry, I caught her before she stuck her cute, tiny fingers in there. But there is NO leaving her unattended these days. She is also overdue for a reflux med increase (no she does not yet seem to be outgrowing this) and so has been somewhat cranky and spitty after eating this week.

Merit got out earlier today. I had a heart attack and died right there and then when I realized she wasn’t here. I was pissed at DS because he’d been home for a couple hours before I was and hadn’t even looked in the general direction of the yard. It’s March Madness you know. So by the time I got home and said, “Where’s Merit?” (Cause she wasn’t at the back door looking pathetic to be let in) it was dark. He could’ve been out looking while it was still light. He went looking for her and came back after 15 minutes, so then I went out & found her as Animal Control was picking her up. Thank You God. Yes, my dog has a collar. In fact a really cool collar, but it hasn’t been updated since we moved. And Merit’s a really cool dog. It’s more likely that someone will find her and keep her then anything else. I’d be devastated. Anyway, I found her and she’s getting lots of hugs and special treats after her adventure. (She can even sleep on our bed if she wants—ok, maybe not, she a dirty, dirty dog). I am ordering a new collar right now.

That’s it. Well, it’s not all, but it’s all you’re getting for now. Oh yeah, summer has arrived here; I’ll post pix of the girls playing in the wading pool this weekend. Cause now it’s all about the wadding pool while Mama throws back some Sangria!

Back Talk

Welcome to this addition of Back Talk. I’ve been in a not very good place the last couple days. I went to another doctor on Monday, he scheduled another nerve test for Tuesday and an epidural (of cortisone) for Thursday. The nerve test showed nerve damage (it was way more extensive then the last time), but not to my muscles (or it was really minimal to my muscles or something). Which is mostly good news, because it means I should be able to be fixed. The bad news: 6-9 months to heal. Oh. My. God. Six Months!!! (I’m optimistic) This shot I’m having tomorrow should pretty much eliminate the pain for a while I’m told. I seriously hope so, cause the nerve test…my leg is still on fire. I’m back to full time pain, but with burning this time! Fun! Hopefully I’ll be feeling so good you’ll get a post tomorrow, but we’ll see. If you don’t hear from me just assume I got even better drugs then the vicodin and I’m sleeping through the weekend. Imagine no more posts about all my aches and pains...what will I write about? I'm sure I can come up with something.

Ciao!

10 Months

Yeah, so last week, in the rush of everything little miss BabySpeak went & turned 10 months on us. I know how the heck did that happen? In the last week or so she’s turned into quite the little baby vs. the infant she’s been up till now. (I refused to consider her as a toddler, she’s too little yet to be a toddler—even if she’s “toddling” around). Last week she started hitting some big milestones; she stands up & sits herself down, she cruises all. over. the. damn. place. She’s crawling all over. Her days consist of stand up, sit down, (fight, fight, fight) crawl here, taste toy, launch toy, roll to new location of toy, stand up, bend down and pick up toy again….You get the idea. She also LOVES to dance, which cracks me up to no end. If music starts playing near her she starts grooving.

She started using the signs for “food”, “drink” (water in a sippy cup), “all done” and “big” (aka—“sooo big”). That’s in addition to her, “more,” “bye-bye”, and “sleep/nap”. She’s so very eager to communicate; you can tell she’s just dying for you to teach her more words. When you do start teaching her a new word you can practically see the wheels turning in her head and it seems to be about 24 hours and she’s got it. I’m telling you I think this kid is scary smart.

She has also started eating table food now. I make my own baby food which consists of throwing the stuff in the food processor after over steaming it, so don’t get all excited over how much time that must take cause it doesn’t take any more time and I can control the texture of her food. (Plus I just couldn’t bring myself to give her baby food meat in a jar. Have you seen that stuff, it’s just nasty looking. We give her the canned stuff (fruit and veggies) when appropriate, so it’s not like she doesn’t get it at all). This week I started chopping up our meat really small & letting her have at it. She seems to particularly like mango-chicken sausage (but hey, who doesn’t?)

For such a little person she’s doing some really big time stuff and on top of that seems to have a “big personality”. She has her Daddy and Mommy completely wrapped around her finger. And still she ADORES her big sister. This last month has been a lot of fun for all of us and we so enjoy watching the little person Miss BS is becoming.

It'll have to be Love Friday. A practice in being grateful.

I’m finding that I’m having trouble being grateful the last couple days. I’m so overwhelmed with everything that I’m having trouble getting past just “get it done”. My mom is still really sick so the girls have been in daycare/school all week. My back/leg thing is not improving. If anything it seems like I’ve taken a step or two backward. My PT thinks my daily activities (read: picking up a baby) are causing me to re-injure myself constantly. I jinx myself by posting that my b00bs hurt, cause I now have a very large (the entire top half of my right side) very painful clogged duct. I complained that they hurt and they decided to show me what a painful b00b was. I think the clogged duct is caused by stress. And work has finally started to get fed up with my schedule.

I feel like I’m trying to do everything for everyone and doing none of it well.

In an effort to try and make this more then a whining session and actually turn it into something positive I’m going to take each item and write a (possible) solution to it. At least I’ll have a goal to word toward and maybe I won’t feel so overwhelmed.


Girls in Daycare
I need to suck it up and BE GRATEFUL over this one. I’m lucky/grateful that I’ve found an (fairly) affordable place that meets the needs of both my girls, is close by and allows me to do “drop in”. Not to mention that they adore my children and give them lots of love and a safe place to play with good friend.

Back/Sciatica
I contacted my orthopedic doctor yesterday, as he told me to call if things had not improved in a month. (Plus I’m almost out of vicodin and night before last there was no sleeping without a pain pill.) He’s concerned, but feels that we’re on the right track with PT. “Ultimately PT is the thing that will get me better in the long run.” For the pain he gave me the name of a doctor who can do an epidural of cortisone. Maybe then I’ll get some relief. He gave me another prescription for pain pills with a refill. I’m lucky/grateful that I have supportive medical professionals working with me to try and fix this. I’m also grateful to have really good insurance coverage which allows me to go to whomever I need to in order to get this resolved.

Clogged Duct
I’m already doing everything I can for this; pumping/feeding every two hours. A warm shower and a good long feed by BS will probably be the thing that knocks it out completely. I should be grateful for this in that it’s a sign that my milk supply is taking it up a notch, my body would just prefer it to be more gradual. (I have a theory that I have really fatty milk or really small ducts or probably both.) Once this has pasted there’s a good chance I will get getting much more milk for BS.

Work has had enough of my schedule
I am very grateful that work has been so supportive about all of this so far. Part of the problem is that my PT only works when her youngest is in school (M/W/F, 9-1) so I end up missing some work to get in appointments. Work feels like I work part-time so I should take care of this stuff during my time off (even though I have the sick days and vacation to take off). My mom wants her time off, and feels that if I’m not at work I should be watching my own kids. This complicates things. Even if I get another PT that can see me during my days off, I don’t have babysitting at that time. I’m stuck on this one. I can pursue another PT, but I’ll still have a scheduling problem. I guess the answer would be to see if I can find a PT who works evenings and/or weekends when DS is home. Ok, I’m working on this one and I’m grateful for the resources I do have (work, DS, mom).

This has gotten really, really long, and I’m super impressed if you’re still reading, so a few other things I have to be grateful for:

My kids are really good about going to daycare/school. Not a lot of stranger anxiety or whiny/crying, etc….The teacher comment all the time about how happy BS is, there are a couple babies there who never. stop. crying. EVER.

My husband has been super supportive through all of this. More often then not these days he walks through door and I hand him kids and collapse from exhaustion on the couch. Beside entertaining kids, he will pick up whatever slack I need that night; making dinner, dishes, bathes, folding laundry, etc…he has not complained once.

While my mom gives me no end of grief about my housekeeping (which there is nothing wrong with BTW—I’m not a germphobe like Antique Mommy, but we aren’t filthy, dirty either) I am grateful to have her help with my girls. She comes over in the morning and picks up whatever slack there is, gets TS off to school and BS bathes, fed and clothed. In the meantime she usually does some laundry & light housekeeping for me. For. Free.

Ok, I’m working on adjusting my attitude. And I’m off to try and find a babysitter for BS during my PT appointment tomorrow.

My boobs hurt.

That got your attention now didn’t it?

Hi P0rn bloggers, you’re in a mommy blog, sorry for the confusion. Move along now, nothing to see here. Seriously, if there was something to see these days I wouldn’t have to move you along—you’d run away very quickly.

I’m still nursing BS every two hours. Talk about a time suck. (eww, no pun intended.) It’s hard to get much done with this kind of schedule and if she’s sleeping or I need to be doing something in a hurry I pump (which I just love so much! NOT.) If you did anything repetitively every 2 (or 3) hours you would hurt too, trust me. However, let me note I am not actually complaining. I know it sounds a lot like whining, but it’s not. I was one of those millions who saw the Oprah show on The Secret and I’m bought in. I didn’t say I was buying the book, I’m way too cheap for that, but I get the concept and there’s a lot of what they said that resonated with me. If they’re wrong, everyone else wins cause if nothing else you’re a happier person to be around, right? So in the spirit of The Secret, I have begun trying to approach each and every situation (even the ones that seem negative) in terms of how I am grateful for the experience. We’ll see how long I stick with this, I know, I know, being sarcastic is much more my nature then showing my gratefulness. But I’m trying.

So in terms of having to nurse my 9 month old every two hours;

• I am grateful for the time this gives us together. I know that this time is short-lived and sooner then I think she will be too busy to be bothered with nursing from Mommy. She’ll rather eat on the run (or not at all) because there are so many things she’ll need to do. Right now this time is special and she is now old enough to know that and she clings to me too.


• I am grateful to be needed by my daughter and appreciated. I am grateful that I am forced to slow down several times a day and just stare intently at the beautiful miracle I helped create.
  
• I am grateful that I know that in the very near future I will yearn to be sore like this again, for I have been so very blessed with a healthy, loving little girl and I am blessed in my knowledge and appreciation of this as well.

Sisters

I always wished I had a sister.

If you have a sister you are probably rolling your eyes right now, but I had a brother. He’s great & everything, but it would’ve been cool to have someone to talk to about boys and makeup and fight over clothes with and stuff like that. We were friends, but he was into “boy things” and I was into “girl things”. It’s not the same.

I am so very glad that we have given this gift to our girls and that they are inclined (so far) to be friends. I think (hope) that the tone that has been set so far is the one that will continue for the rest of their lives. They adore each other. If I walk into TS’s room in the AM without BS the first thing out of her mouth will be, “Where’s BS?” The second TS walks in the room BS starts smiling clapping and reaching for her. I know it won’t always be sunshine and roses for their relationship but right now it’s one big love fest and I am so very glad to be able to witness this. Happy Love Thursday.

I'm Baaaack! (In more ways then one.)

Hi Internet,

Are you mad? I know it’s been a week, I’m sorry. Where does the time go?

If I had written last weekend I would’ve told you all about celebrating DS’ b-day & how I’m feeling a lot better. How my back actually STOPS hurting sometimes now. This weekend I would’ve told you how I was able to walk around the block one day and pick up the house and normal stuff like that. Instead of laying around on the couch hurting, grumpy and groggy. But I was so busy living life (now that I could again) that I was having a hard time find the time to write to you. But then Monday came and everything changed. One other thing about last week, my PT was sick all week. On Friday when she called to cancel she scheduled me for an appointment with the massage therapist in her office on Monday and so I could get something done. Considering how good I’d been feeling I was really looking forward to it. Normally my PT appointments consist of massage & ultrasound, but this time it would be all about feeling good, not just making it better.

The massage itself was fine, not the best I’ve ever had, not the worst either, but by that afternoon I felt like I had either over worked out or been beat up. Yesterday I spent most of the day on the couch, exhausted and back in major pain. I couldn’t take anything cause I was home alone with the girls, but I laid on the couch in the playroom so I could do minimal amount of moving and still watch them (and try my best to stay awake, I only dozed a couple of times, I think). I thought the pain meds were what made me so groggy, but apparently it’s the pain itself. I suppose because it exhausts me. So this AM I slept through my alarm, which turns itself off after an hour of snooze. I’ve been trying to call my PT all day (office isn’t answering at all) to see if they can fit me in today to try and get some relief, but no luck.

The irony of all of this is that I was feeling so much BETTER all weekend. I was able to do all kinds of things (picking up around the house and even taking a walk around the block) without hurting. In the evenings I start to get sore, but would take a pain pill early evening and then not need one to sleep. Right now I can’t find a position in which I’m not hurting; standing, sitting, anything…BAH!

So that’s my story, same one you’ve been hearing for a couple months. Getting boring I’m sure.

On a more up note:
BS is full on cruising around the living room now. (Not crawling yet, but actually acting like she might do that sometime too.) She can actually stand without holding anything, but when she realizes she’s let go she starts to fall. She said something strikingly like Mommy the other day, but I was the only one home, so I’m not sure it counts. She also “mumbled” I love you after a doll said it the yesterday. DS was home when she did it, so I had a witness. Last night at dinner she threw a tantrum because she wanted "O's instead of dinner. I'm not kidding. Be afraid, be very afraid: she’s smart, coordinated, beautiful and headstrong. All of this only at 9 months, what the heck is she going to be like by 2 years? 13 years? Boy do we have our hands full.

TS is taking ballet & tap class & seems to really like it. She’s got a bunch of imaginary friends and two of her real friends (twins) from school came over for a playdate on Friday. They were super cute together and it was fun to watch her play with friends she’s made on her own (not because Mommy likes their mommy, although now that I’ve met her I do like her—bonus).

Alright I need to get back to work cause they’ve actually got me doing work here now. They actually expect me to produce now! The nerve.

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

Love Thursday

This is what all my stress is over....

I'll bet you understand now

And a few others, just cause I love these so much

Same old song and dance, AKA—BACK at it (get it?)

Got excited didn’t you? Got you all worked up with TWO posts that didn’t consist of any whining and you thought it was over. Well, you were WRONG. I’m back and whinier then ever. I had a couple good days this weekend, but I seem to be over that and now I’m about to have a nervous breakdown. Hi, welcome to my brain! I’m so much fun!

So I realized I never gave you the official update on my visit to the orthopedic doctor, MRI results and nerve test. I officially have a herniated disk. The “good news” is that it’s considered “mild to moderate” which means no surgery at this point & we treat it with PT (and if I want to continue chiropractic). I also don’t have “permanent nerve damage”. I do still have a numb lower right calf & foot. The bad news is that this won’t “heal” for about 3 months and if it’s not improving within a month then I need to go back.

I’m exhausted.

I feel like I reached out to my doctors (shrink & OB) yesterday, but neither of them really seemed to “hear me”. They physically heard me, but upon hearing about everything I have going on (this stuff with my back and having to feed the baby every two hours) they both suggested I take some medical leave at work. But I don’t really feel like we can afford that right now. My shrink suggested I take a couple weeks vacation to try and get my back better and to a better place mentally, but I don’t really want to use my vacation like that. I’m already missing a lot of work because of all my doctor’s appointments; I think I need to hold onto it for “just in case.” I feel that if I do take a couple weeks I’ll just get a new pile of mess at work instead of at home. So I’m not so sure that trading one mess for another will help me that much. I told DS the other night that I’m at exhausted from all of this and at the end of my rope, “If one more thing gets added to my commitments I think I’ll break.” I’ve already been letting the house go; mostly the floors (and bathrooms, and vacuuming, etc...) because of the bending. I know I need to give some stuff up, but I’m not sure what else can go right now. Then in my exhaustion I overslept this AM. My mom had the nerve to let into me about it. Because you know, I’m a slacker.

I’m rereading this and thinking that maybe my doctors were right; even a week might be enough to help me get some sleep, rest my back & feel caught up and better about things. Even in writing this I can’t convey the level of despair I’m feeling right now. My depression (oh yeah, I’m dealing with that too) is definitely winning the battle right now. I’m even having trouble staying awake writing this (I won’t tell you how scary I am driving these days, lets just say stay off the South Bay freeways during commute hours on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays.) Hopefully, more later.

Weekend Funny

OHMYF'INGGAWD!!! This is too funny for words. So if you aren't already reading Miss Doxie you must go over and check her out. This chick is always good for a laugh, but her latest post; the photos & video take the freaking cake!!!

This is so what I want to do for my b-day next year--a Viking funeral, what a fine way to start the the last year of my 30's. Read, watch & tell me what you think.

Speak’s Anatomy

So newsflash; I have nerve damage. My right foot has no reflex right now and shows weakness. I had to go to a doctor to find this out? The only real question is if the damage is being caused by a herniated disc or from the epidural I got during labor. Bah! I’ll be having an MRI & a nerve test next week to determine which it was & the extent of the damage. If it’s the disc, the amount of damage my symptoms seem to be showing are pointing to surgery. Christ! That’s what I need. So let’s all pull for epidural shot as the cause, which they will treat with another epidural shot only with steroids this time. There goes my shot at the baseball hall of fame…oh yeah, I don’t play baseball.

So I feel somewhat validated in all my whining now. And my approach; chiropractic, PT & pain meds is exactly what I should be doing, so that’s good to know. I’m still irritated that the first doctor made me wait for two weeks to get into the orthopedic guy, but I can’t do much about it now, so trying not to dwell.

BS had her NINE month appointment today. She’s 15# 4oz and 27” (in case you’re keeping track). She’s just below the 50% for height and off the chart for weight. Yup, she’s less the zero in the weight category. That means that 100% of the kids her same age are bigger then her. Doctor says they typically drop a little at this age because their activity level has increased so much, so he’s not worried. If he’s not worried, then I’m not worried. She’s gaining weight, so that’s all they’re really watching now. He’s ordering some predigested formula for her; he wants us to have a back up for my (lack of) boob juice so he’s working with me to get her to take it. I’ll let you know how that goes. She got two shots today & didn’t even cry. We’re nursing every 3 hours, which means…I’ve got to go again.

Cheers!
Say a little thank you prayer for vicadin!

My children speak

So things are pretty much status quo around here. My sciatic is pretty much the same, now my neck has joined the fray—just to keep things interesting. I do have an appointment with an orthopedic doctor tomorrow, so hopefully something good and immediate will come of that; like a shot in my ass that will give me feeling in my foot and lower leg and get rid of the pain I’m feeling in the rest of the leg, blah, blah, blah….You’ve heard it all before. Dude I’m tired of talking about it, I can’t believe you’re still reading it. You must really not want to work today, huh? Yeah, I know me neither.

So a few updates;

BS has spoken! My brilliant genius of a baby has said the word “kitty”. She says it quite clearly, has said it several times now, in front of several people and at the appropriate time. You know, when one of the cats shows up. She says, “gee, gee” for dog, cause we say doggie. She is also signing the word “more” (mostly for food). She waves “bye”, and she puts her hands behind her head when tired so I’ve deemed that her word for sleep. Last night DS walked up to us (she was in my lap on the couch) and she held her hands out to him & then signed more. In other words, “more Daddy please.” So freaking cute!!!

No more blood coming up, but no more formula either. I’m in contact with the lactation consultant and I’m working on the milk production (or lack of it) right now. I’m also thinking of getting her a passport as it’s looking a lot like she’s going to Mexico with us in April. We are such the party animals.

TS is truly turning into me. She loves to pull out her play hair dryer and curling iron when I pull mine out. We primp together. She pulls out her play make up while I’m doing mine and she likes to help me by handing me the correct brushes and make up containers; she knows the difference between blush, eye shadow, eye liner, concealer, foundation, mascara and all their accompanying brushes. Some kids learn all the dinosaurs, but my kid knows her way around the MAC counter. The way I know she’s truly turning into me has to do with her Starbuck’s order. Here’s the way I order: “Vente, decaf, single, non-fat, no-whip, 6-pump mocha. The other day she says, “Mommy I want my chocolate milk cold, with ice and whip cream.” They start so young.

We’ve Peaked! or All About Me

Well let’s hope so, I know it can get worse, but jeez I think we’ve gotten more then our share already this year. I haven’t posted because after last Friday things went downhill with my sciatica. I’ve been going to the chiropractor and the physical therapist and I’ll have a “good” day and then a couple “bad” days. None are pain free, but yesterday was probably the worst it’s been. I was so sore that I was achy and I was cold; borderline chills. I think now that it was that my body was readjusting to everything and getting used to it. I also think that the “cold” was poor circulation coupled with the adjusting. I finally took a couple vicadin and when they started to take affect (and I started to relax) I actually got really warm, almost hot. Today was much better. Don’t get too excited, not pain free, but better.

Night before last we spent in the local ER with BS. She had been spitting up blood earlier in the day. It’s been colder then heck here and extremely dry, so I wasn’t too concerned at first. I figured it was sort of like the nose bleeds you can get from dry cold weather. Not so much, when I called the advice nurse. The doctor had us come in to check her out and they felt it might be in her lungs (she’s teething so she’s had a runny nose, but it comes & goes). They gave us a nebulizer. She did it two more times that afternoon and I called them to tell them what was going on and they sent us to ER. So. Much. Fun. Actually, she thought it was party time, screeching, cooing and having a ball. Cause let me tell you there is nothing that is more fun then the tissue paper on an exam table. It’s what I’ll buying for all the kids for Christmas next year. They did x-rays and blood tests and spoke to her GI specialist and decided that she probably has esophageal reflux (in addition to her stomach reflux) and it probably caused a tear in her esophagus and thus the bleeding. At our follow up with the GI specialist the next day he indicated that when this happens at her age it’s usually from a food allergy, but we can’t think of anything new that she’s had. So I don’t know. She hasn’t done it again since, so we’re just trying to pay attention to everything she’s eating. Another new medication. I feel like I medicate, feed her and let her sleep and that's all we do all day. Mostly cause it is ALL we do all day. Don't worry, she seems to be fine. (It's her mother who needs to be committed.)

My folks are out of town this week, so BS was supposed to be in daycare with her sister, but obviously that’s out. So I’ve been out of work all week. It’s good and bad. Honestly, with the way my leg has been I don’t think I could’ve worked this week, and I already had TS set for daycare all week, so that is good part . Tomorrow DS is staying home to help me. Hopefully I will continue to improve; I already know I’m going to be missing work for PT appointments next week. They've been really nice about all this, but they've got to be getting sick of it.

So I’m back off to bed, no vicadin tonight we’re trying Darvocet to see if that will cut it. And of course, lots of ice. If all goes well I’m going to try and walk around the block tomorrow. Wohoo! We’re the definition of fun around here.

TS has been hilarious lately; very focused on her upcoming birthday. Upcoming in May! Today, she asked two of the girls in her class if they’ll come to her party, in May. Guess she wants to make sure they can make it. BS is teething and beside the one she got last week, two more popped out this week; all on the bottom--weird. My boobs are not happy about this new perdicament. But she’s mostly happy, so whatever.

Need to sleep now. Hopefully, happy funny stories in a timely fashion this next week. Thanks for hanging with me.

Our Christmas

So since I've been out of it and a picture is worth a thousand words here's our December in a nutshell. I know it's late, but it's my excuse for playing w/digital scrapbooking. (Obviously I'm feeling a bit better right now. Went to a chiropractor yesterday and while I'm still in pain, I'm FUNCTIONING!!! Which is way more then I could say before. We'll see how long it lasts.
Happy Friday!

The Fun; it just never ends for me

After a very long weekend of being in massive pain or drugged up beyond belief here I am. Yes I realize it’s Thursday, I said it was a long weekend for me. I found that by Sunday, 3 days without any pain pills that work just did me in. So I spent the entire day Sunday drugged up and more or less in bed. You could say I “Turned on & Tuned out”. On Monday I came into work, (once again off pain pills) but left early for a follow up appointment w/my OB. Who, upon hearing my predicament, promptly prescribed physical therapy (PT) and said, “This is ridiculous! Why are they messing with you like that? If you have any more issues you call me & we’ll get you what you need.” Reminding me why I like her so much. She’s so very take no prisoners. I couldn’t get into PT until Wednesday, but I quickly (and thankfully) grabbed that first appointment they had available.

On Tuesday, I finally met with a shrink. I liked her very much and she seems very down to earth and “normal” which is no small thing from my past experiences with shrinks. Her little “assessment test” told I’m only mildly depressed, but still depressed none the less. I reminded her that if I’d taken the test before being on anti-depressants many of my answers would be much different. It was just good to have an hour without kids and not because I was at work or the grocery store or something.

On Wednesday I got into the PT. She (the physical therapist) thinks there's a possibility of nerve damage from my epidural. (But I was talking to my friend, H last night & she thinks I would've had to have been having problems with it all along if that were the case. Of course, none of us really actually knows either way.) Anyway, the PT that a lot of questions related to my epidural and if it was given into my sciatica, which I know for a fact it was, so we'll see if that's part of the problem. I've got 2 weeks of PT and if I'm not improving by the end of that time I'm off to an orthopedic Dr. She (the PT) wanted my Dr to give me new pain meds that I can take during the day (unlike vicodin which makes me too loopy to drive or be in charge of my kids). So I found myself back at my primary doctor’s office that afternoon. When I talked to the Dr he was all, "And which drug would that be?" I'm like, "Ummm, call me crazy, but aren't you the one in the room who went to medical school?" (I don't think he thought I was funny.) In the end he's got me trying drarvoset, which isn't really doing anything for the pain AND makes me loopy! Sooo Special! I didn't think it was making me loopy, but while driving to work today I realized that yes, in fact, I could continue to drive while nodding off RIGHT NOW. So fun! I also found during my hour and a half commute that the fastest way to wake me up is to have to slam on the brakes to avoid an accident. Twice! I found the pain shooting up my leg is a great wake up call. I may need to utilize it while here at work. I’m so nodding off that my eyes are crossing. I find myself doing one of two things: (beside screwing around writing my blog) either I give in and sit for a few seconds facing my computer with my eyes closed (so very tempting) or I close one eye so that when they cross I can still read what I’m writing. Nice. Since this is happening while doing something personal (my blog, fun!) you can imagine how effective I must be while doing actual work-like stuff.

I think I just closed my eyes facing my computer for more then a couple seconds—eeek! Guess I should go before I my face falls into my keyboard. I'll come back to read this later and see how much sense it makes. Hahahahahaha!

New Year, not a new drill

Unfortunately I have not been MIA because I was having a great vacation off. I WISH it was something like that.

For starters, my G’ma died on Christmas Eve day—Merry Christmas! In the end, it was actually the type of situation when you deem death a “blessing”. In the two weeks she stayed with my parents she went from walking with a walker into their house, to being completely bedridden and requiring a catheter. My understanding is that my dad, mom, aunt were in the room with her and the hospice nurse having a conversation about medication, in the middle of the conversation she closed her eyes and went to sleep. My mom said she started to turn grey and you realized that she was dying, not sleeping. “It was very peaceful.” When my mom called me to tell me I already knew. As soon as the phone rang I knew why they were calling. Weird I know. I wasn’t upset at all. In fact I felt bad that I didn’t feel more about the whole thing. But you can’t fake those kinds of emotions. I feel bad for my dad and my aunt who were closest to her. I try not to think too much about my parents dying because that upsets me and being a mom now puts a new spin on the whole deal. Ultimately the whole death thing is upsetting for the living, but for the dead it’s either all good or you don’t care because you aren’t anymore right? So I guess there’s no reason to dwell on it. The upside is that my mom’s imminent nervous breakdown was halted and she’s more or less back to “normal.” We’ve been having the “death” and “heaven” talk with TS over all of this. She’s the type of kid who has lots of questions and has not disappointed on this subject as well. I have some good blog fodder from this for sure. Later this week.

The last entry mentioned my back killing me; well it’s actually a problem with my sciatica which popped up on the 18th and has been getting progressively worse. I’ve been trying to get into a doctor for over a week now, but with the holidays I couldn’t see anyone till later today. They did give me a prescription for vicodin over the phone (that’s how much they weren’t seeing anyone, just handing out prescriptions over the phone. Should’ve asked for something really crazy.) Yesterday, I was finally able to actually speak with my own doctor who has me taking mega doses of ibuprofen. (Something I wasn’t doing because I’m nursing BS, which complicates the whole deal.) I’ve been to acupuncture twice this last week, hopefully there is something they can do (like a steroid shot) that will give me immediate relief. Today is my first day off the vicodin in a week. My pain is down the back of my right leg. My right foot has been asleep (pins and needles) for a couple weeks now. I feel like such an old lady, I’m gimping around bitching about “my sciatica”, next it’ll be my dentures. I haven’t been able to sit at the computer for very long in the last couple weeks, thus the lack of a post. I’m back at work today where I actually seem to have the best luck. I have an ergonomic chair that was measured for me so I think that’s why I seem to do best here.

Christmas was fun. TS was a blast and so was BS. I have pix to share and lots of good stories. TS got her bike from Santa and her “Hello Kitty Camera” from mom and dad. So she was happy. Her favorite present is by far her Ariel Talking Vanity Table and especially the “grooming set” given by my brother’s family. The necklace on this set is Ariel’s voice singing from the movie. It wins the “annoying toy” contest hands down. BS’s favorite toys were the boxes, tissue paper, empty water bottles and packages of wipes. Oh, and she does really dig her new activity table from Santa. This “quick little update” is way longer then I expected (as usual). So I’ll go now and write more later. Happy New Year.

Love Thursday

…is when your girls think you make the best pillow, and even though your back is killing you, you don’t mind a bit.

Hopefully, I’ll get on here in the couple days, but it’s about to get super KRAZZEEE!
So just in case;

Merry Christmas!!!

Hope you were good and get all the loveliness that you’re hoping for.

HoliDAZE!

So things are super busy right now. The girls have managed to stay well for a whole week now, so that’s a plus.

Not only did TS get up on stage & sing for her X-mas pageant, but she smiled and did all the hand movements. You could even hear her singing! It was really cute & fun.

I am frantically trying to get things done for X-mas. I have these scrapbooks I make for the grandparents every year. I do a page a month for each girl. It was not as big of a deal when there was one child, but I doubled my workload this year. And since I’ve been overwhelmed (because of said double workload, i.e.--second child) I haven’t really been cropping so much. Like since July. So ideally I’m doing these two pages every month & it’s no big deal, realistically I’ve got 8 pages to finish in the next 5 days. I had more, but I’m working on a page a night & as long as I do that, they’ll be done in time. I also need to finish sewing BS’s X-mas stocking, but I have a few extra days to do that, so scrapbooks first! "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas..."

On another note, my grandmother is dying from cancer and has moved in with my parents as of last Tuesday. (This was decided on the Saturday before, so it’s a bit sudden.) She’s had this for like 10 years, they’ve put it into remission 3 times and this time she decided she’s 90 & she’s tired, so they aren’t treating it. This is my father’s mother & truth be told, she’s never been the nicest person on the face of the earth. She isn’t fond of kids at all & made that very clear to us when we were kids. Now that we’re adults she allows us to do stuff for her, so I wouldn’t say I’m exactly all broken up over this. I mean I feel bad for her and I don’t wish her ill or anything, but I’m not torn up over it. The reason I’m telling you is mostly cause it’s really flipping my mom out. She’s NEVER been especially nice to my mom and now my mom is stuck caring for her in her own house. (I suppose based on my mom’s treatment of me at times one could argue this is Karma. However, my mom is always well intended, just poorly executed at times. My grandma; not always so well intended.) Since my mom watches my kids this affects me in a big way. It also affects me because when my mom freaks out she takes it out on everyone else, especially me. So guess what’s been going on lately? No real details on it today, but I’m sure you’ll get some before it’s over so I figured I’d mention it.

My last Major stressor these days (and it’s big one) is that I’m having problems with my milk supply. Considering what an issue it’s become I’m kinda surprised I haven’t written about it sooner. Since “Aunt Flo” came to visit my milk supply cut literally in half like in a day. However, my daughter has not cut her appetite in half, so now that we’ve worked our way through my back up supply of milk I have a bit of a conundrum. We have found that she can’t seem to tolerate formula. She empties the contents of her stomach when drinking it. It’s scary & awful. I talked to her GI doctor who first gave some formula which is more broken down; got the same result. So he suggested soy; I can’t get her to drink it. I tried putting it into her cereal, but she gagged on it, wouldn’t have anything to do with it. So I’ve been taking fenugreek to try and increase my supply. Nothing yet. The doctor said if the soy doesn’t work he wants to do an allergy work up on her. I guess if it’s not one thing it’s another.

Oh, and to keep the party hopping my in-laws arrive Saturday. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Happy Holidaze!

Still Kicking

Yes, we’re still alive. I know I haven’t written in awhile. My bad. But honestly, here’s my life: THEY’RE SICK. Yes, still. And I’m sick of talking about the fact that my kids are sick, so I had nothing else to write about. I suppose I could’ve given you a literal “blow-by-blow” of TS’s stomach virus last week, but I kinda figured you’d appreciate my NOT doing that.

Actually, right this second, everyone seems to be more or less well. Knock on wood. I’m sure that will change before I even get to post this. During this time I had a birthday. So happy b-day to me! Guess I need to update my bio here. Woo! I'm a party animal like that. And I’m just trying to get everything together for Christmas. You know, like everyone else.

Of note:

BS started waving last week. Super cute!!! Sometimes she waves at you & sometimes she waves at herself. Either way she beams at you while she’s doing it. Yesterday she ate bananas & peas. Yeah, something green in her diet! Finally! And she also signed “more” and said “Mama” to me. That’s my girl!

TS has her school Christmas Pageant this evening. Should be interesting. I fully expect her to announce she’s “shy” as soon as we get there & not be willing to go up with her class and sing. At best, she’ll probably go up there, but look at the floor & not sing. We took her to Bonfonte Gardens Sunday (hey, she’d gone 24 hours without throwing up & damit we prepaid those tickets!) She had a blast. They sat on Santa’s lap there & I got a pretty cute picture of both of them this time. (Need to scan it in.) BS didn’t cry this time she just stared in awe at him. TS got off his lap & said, “I told him I wanted my Hello Kitty camera! I’m so happy now!”

It's the little things right?

Ho, Ho, Ho

So I still owe you a post about BS turning seven months, but I haven’t uploaded the pix from our camera in the last month. (Maybe tonight, hahahahhaha). In the meantime, yes, my children are still alive & well. Gratuitous photo evidence here.

On Friday, instead of cleaning the house I decided to hit the mall (with both kids, cause I’m a glutton for punishment like that) and go see Santa. Actually, TS was in a really good mood and her hair was looking really cute, so I decided to grab the opportunity while it existed. I’m pretty pleased with the result. BS isn’t smiling, but in about 2.3 seconds from when this was taken she decided she was NOT being held by this freaky stranger with facial hair. So all things considered it’s a really good picture.

I’ve realized that having two kids under the age of 5 means that it is very likely that we will not have ANY “good” family pix for the next 5 years or so. Inevitably someone will be looking the wrong direction or making a freaky face or blink even! In consideration of that; it’s a damn fine pix and the only one I may get for the next five years or so.

Don’t Fall Over

I know two posts in two days, get a hold of yourself. I’m having trouble focusing here at work so I thought maybe writing my personal blog will wake me up, probably not. I’m seriously considering going home (girls are at G’ma’s house) and taking a nap. So some good news: I could get pregnant again. No, I’m NOT pregnant; I just now know that I could be if you know what I mean. I know TMI, but my real point (and this is why it’s good news, cause who on earth thinks Aunt Flo’s visit is good news) is that it explains all this exhaustion and moodiness. I still think I am dealing with PPD, but this explains the huge spike in emotion that I’ve been having. I feel better knowing that I was right; it was my hormones and that while I might be going crazy, I’m on top of it. My mind doesn’t seem to be racing as badly today, maybe a light at the end of the tunnel.

So do you have an ongoing commentary of blog entries in your head as you go through your day? Or does this make me crazy too? I find that everything I do is accompanied by a narrative of that event for my blog. So I guess you should be thankful that I’m so busy or can you imagine how freaking boring my blog would be? You’d get thrilling narratives about my bad hair day or reheating my lunch. Wohoo! EX-CI-TING!

Alright, now that I’ve bored you to my level of tiredness I’m going to go pump. Moo!

Not Dead Yet

Sorry, to leave you all hanging. I go post about what a basket case I am & what a mess my life is in and then disappear. Like that?

No worries. We’re all ok. Everyone is (relatively) well again & I’m just trying to keep my head above water still, which is the reason why this post will be so short.

A large part of my problem now is the new drugs I’m on. I’m totally zinging on them. I feel like I’m on No Doze; I’m BONE TIRED. If you’ve ever been pregnant it’s the kind of tired you get when you’re in you’re first trimester. Yeah, that kind of “crawl under you desk in the middle of the day” kind of tired. BUT, my mind is on a whole different plane of existence; it’s racing. And by racing I don’t mean moving fast, I mean like someone with ADD on Meth. It’s a bit distracting. Yeah, that’s the word. One of my friends told me it’s my hormones getting into check. Let’s hope they do soon, I do not like this feeling at all. On the upside, I am not bursting into tears at the drop of a hat, so I guess that’s progress.

In the meantime, we’ve had Thanksgiving (which according to my mother, I ruined, but in true dysfunctional Speak fashion no one is discussing it anymore, so it’s like it never happened. I had a small spat with my brother, which we were over in like 3 minutes; other people got upset with me for responding to him. He acts like that all the time, I usually ignore him, but that day I got pissed. I’m the bad guy cause I didn’t ignore for a change. Whatever.)
We got and decorated our Christmas tree—yes, we’re those people (people who have their decorations up before the first of December) this year. I’ve never been one of those people before, it’s kind of weird. Our friends called & wanted to go cut down their tree and wanted us to go so they could use our minivan. We weren’t doing anything, so why not. Even though it cost us more then 2x as much as our usual Home Depot tree, TS is thrilled and having a blast over it. The tree will probably be dead by next weekend, but it was worth it. I had to pull out ALL of the X-mas decorations looking for our star which I never found. (I ended up getting a new one at Target.) So everything is out on the dining room table, but I got tired from decorating the tree & haven’t done the rest of it. Not really the mess I wanted to create. Hopefully, I’ll get some energy to get moving on that tonight.

And BS turned SEVEN MONTHS! I owe you a post just about that, but I want to include some gratuitous baby pix, so hopefully tonight or tomorrow.

Thanks so much for all your emails of support, it means a lot you guys. Really.

House of Ills

So lots to catch up on and not lots of time to do it. Plus I’m sure most of you aren’t reading this week since its Turkey Day and all.

My OB called me back Thursday night and was not happy with the fact that the office had referred me to somewhere else (who then referred me again). In the end the final referral doctor I got was the person who she would’ve directed me to (on vacation this week BTW), but she was not pleased at all about the way things went down. As DS put it, “you’d think that when someone calls and says I’m depressed they’d make it easy for you to get in, instead of making a highly unmotivated person jump through hoops like that.” Unfortunately this isn’t my first experience with this whole deal and I have to say in general it’s not an uncommon occurrence. I think part of the problem is that you aren’t “sick” in the sense of bleeding or something so often times the nurse or office person isn’t sure where to send you or how to deal with you. I have a similar issue when I actually get to see the doctor because I tend to be very rational about the whole thing.

Here’s how I do depression: if I get my arce out of the house you would never know anything is wrong. I get my self presentable; dressed in matching, clean clothes, (something I don't always manage when I'm not depressed, maybe should be the first clue,) make up on, hair done, etc… If you talk to me I will do my best to avoid any personal topics, and therefore will come across as quite rational. At the doctor's; if I do go down road of going through my personal issues I will even be able to tell you what my issue is, that I can only change my behavior (not anyone else’s), etc, etc….I can even tell you that I get it on a rational level, (cause I do) I just can’t seem to make the jump emotionally.
The catch: I try not to leave the house when I’m depressed. So I make it to my weekly doctor's appointment and they look at me like I’m insane for thinking I’m depressed; I’m sure a large number of their patients can’t articulate their feelings, much less their issues. I’m also guessing that many of them can’t get completely dressed, etc…So they act like I’m melodramatic, catastrophising and over reacting. Until…..I get so freaked out at home one day and don’t know how to control my sense of being overwhelmed, anxious or stop crying so I try to write it all down. I then take this nonsense to my shrink at which time they practically jump out their chair indicating that they “had no idea” I was having all these issues, and they I start to get some help.

Maybe I’ll take this blog post with me to my first visit, it should cut down on my need to meet as often.

Anyway, my OB wanted to see me in person regardless, so I went in. She told me that she doesn’t normally start out with a prescription, but since I have a history (of eating my young) and know what depression is and how it feels she doesn’t want me to wait on this one. So I got some drugs. I haven’t been on these before so hopefully they will work. In the meantime I’m doing things like (getting the flu) trying to write down all the things I did get done that day instead of hyper focusing on the ones that didn’t happen (and then beating myself up over it.)

A good friend sent me flowers this week (to brighten my day, which they did, they also made me cry and feel pathetic and needy, but that's one of my issues.) I wanted to post a pix of them cause they’re so pretty and they mean so much, but this is one of those things I haven’t’ gotten to (yet.) Normally I’d have missed my opportunity & they’d be wilting by now, but apparently 1-800-flowers gives you your money’s worth because they’re still gorgeous. So you may still get to see them.

Now, onto the house of Ill. Jeez, we’ve been sick!!! I finally took BS into the doctor (yesterday) cause I figured this thing was going to get it’s worst on Thanksgiving Day. I was right, the doctor said it probably is the cold she had a couple weeks ago as it’s moving into her ear & lungs. Doc was most impressed with her nose, when he looked up it, he exclaimed, “Wow”. Not a good sign. He said it’s pretty irritated, swollen & mucous-y in there. Well, duh. Got her some antibiotics so hopefully some relief very soon here.

I somehow developed a stomach virus on Monday. I made it to work and about 15 minutes into it got sick. I didn’t feel sick, but I had to change my clothes. (Yes, I was that sick.) Since I was scared to be away from a toilet for too long and I had an afternoon doctor’s appointment I stayed at home. And. Developed. The. Flu. Let me tell you watching a snotty 7 month old and about to be snotty 3 year old, while having aches & chills; no fun. (Even when you’re bribing them to just lay on the floor or you, by letting them watch episode after episode of Little Einsteins and Mickey Mouse Club House.) Poor DS got home & I handed him the baby and said, “you can do what you want for dinner, I’m going to bed.” Yesterday was better, but today I’m nauseated again. But I’m back at work, cause it’s more work at home with two kids.

So in summary; our kitchen counter looks like pharmacy, the pharmacist at Walgreens knows us by name & sight now and it’s been a long, long week.

Geez! Enough with the Sick Already!

BS is sick (still). Back to the doctor today. Seriously, the pharmacist knows us by sight now. I had a stomach virus yesterday. Can’t even discuss it, I’m so grossed out by it still. But in the spirit of being half full I probably dropped a couple pounds.

So more later when we’ve all recovered. If I don’t make it on here before, “Happy Turkey Day!!!”

Milestones

I haven’t written this week because I feel like I’m super negative & bringing everyone down. I’m fine, I’ll be fine, I’m just having a bi-polar, major PMS freak out. No seriously, don’t worry the kids are fine and I’m not going to harm anyone, I’m just having trouble controlling my emotions sometimes and can’t stop crying. But it’ll be ok, it’ll all work out it always does. I got a referral to a doctor (my old doctor still hasn’t called me back, nice, huh?) & have a call into her. I'll keep you posted.

So what has been going on during this time is that my kids keep growing on me (I refuse to say they are growing up). BS will be SEVEN MONTH next week. Christ, how the hell did that happen??? It’s just so wrong! She’s supposed to stay my little baby, doesn’t she know that? Didn’t she get the memo? Oh yeah, she can’t read. Damit! So she’s been hitting some milestones;

• Eating solid foods; sweet potatoes, squash, carrots, green beans (not so big on the green beans)
• Sleeping through the night. She was doing this before & her reflux started waking her up for the 3-4 AM feeds. Now that she’s on the new medication she’ll sleep for 8-10 hours. Queue Angels singing.
• Rolling over. She’s perfected the sit up, drop on stomach, roll over to back, roll back over to front. Very good at it in fact. She has not made the connection that if she continues to roll she can actually get places, but it’s just a matter of time. I’m not telling her, so you keep your mouth shut too.
• Drinking from a sippy cup! This one alarms me. It’s way too early for it. She tries to take my water bottles from me all the time. If you give her one she immediately puts it in her mouth & tries to drink from it. On a whim last night I gave her a sippy figuring she wouldn’t be able to do it. I was wrong. She isn’t allowed to have one again until she’s one.

TS, not to be outdone, has hit some milestones too. Not the kind you usually equate with a 3YO, but milestones nonetheless. Apparently, we have a 3YO going on 13:

• The privacy milestone: I open bathroom door since she’s been in there for 10 minutes, scream, “Mom, I need my privacy!”
• The locking (and unlocking) the door milestone: see above.
• The Tween milestone: (again in the bathroom)
  MS: “Whatcha doing in there honey?”
  TS: “My hair.”’
  MS: “Um, ok, well it’s time for dinner so come on out.”
  TS: “I can’t, I’m busy doing my hair right now.”
  
  

Ok, well now you can come do my hair cause it’s apparently turning grey from how fast you two are growing up on me. Stop it NOW or you’re both getting a time out.

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

So I’ve been MIA lately. I’d like to day it’s the holidays or something, but it’s not. It’s just me. I finally called a doctor about all this. I’m still in denial about the whole deal; I don’t want to believe that I’m having issues with PPD (or any form of depression for that matter). I’m not sure what it is about me that makes me feel like there’s something wrong with asking help on this, but I do have a really hard time doing just that. My family isn’t a huge help on this front. My mom has been known to tell me to “snap out of it” and “just get over it” in the past. But I have also had such bad depressive episodes that she was has been the person to drag me to the doctor (one time). Sso she’s a walking contradiction, what’s new? I think her (and my extended family’s) response to this is a lot of where my problem with asking from help comes from. I feel like I have to be a sobbing puddle before I warrant medical intervention; of course, by that time I’m not really capable of asking for it anymore. Right now I’d describe my situation this way: I vacillate between feeling overwhelmed, anxious, indifferent and very recently incredibly sad. Sad is scary to me. Sad is downward spiral stuff. Right now, I feel very bleak. My whole life just feels bleak. That’s not to say I don’t have happy moments, it’s just that the negative emotions have started to outnumber the positive ones and I think that’s a clue to get some help.

Keep your fingers crossed for me, last time I couldn’t get into this therapist for months. The one I had to “settle” for was less then stellar and honestly I think I mostly worked out my depression on my own last time.

On a positive note (Yes, I do have one occasionally these days) BS is doing much, much better. She just seems happier & more comfortable. And she’s SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT, still. She’s babbling a lot and seems to be associating “mamamamama” with me and “dadadadada” with DS. So smart. Wink.

KRAZEE or just Crazy?

This week has been crazy. Which is making me KRAZEE. At least I keep telling myself it’s this week. My folks being on vacation has been (as predicted) good for my self esteem, not so good for my schedule. I’m not sure I’m that much busier then usual (ok, mornings are way busier) but I feel that way. I feel like I’m hanging on to a small shred of sanity. My mental health, it’s not so good. Actually, it’s OK. But I realize that the little voice inside my head has been going nonstop this week. (It's the one that sounds just like my mother & tells me how fat I am, how my hair looks like crap, that my house isn't clean enough...you get the idea...) I feel like any additional thing will plummet me into…I don’t know. Maybe that’s the problem, I know that I’m teetering on the brink of losing it, but I’m not really sure what that will mean for me. I feel stupid calling my doctor; “um yeah, I’m not having full blown PPD, but I feel like it’s coming, do you have something for that?” Enough about my mental state or lack thereof, onto

BABY UPDATES:

BS has been on the reflux meds for 6 days now; I have not had any spit up lodged down an article of clothing in the last 3 days! (She has a knack for getting it down my shirt and bra or the other night she hit a new low—down my jeans!!! Very attractive I know.) That doesn’t mean she hasn’t spit up on me or spit up at all for that matter. It just means she isn’t projectile vomiting. I am hopeful for the first time in months. The spitting up also seems to be limiting itself to during or right after eating, it’s a good sign. So far, no side effects. She has also been sleeping through the night for most of those 6 days. TS’s cold had gotten me up at the usual 3 or 4 AM slot during several nights, but the last three have been completely devoid of interruption. Did you hear the heavens open up & the angels signing? I think we maybe on the downhill on this one.

I demand a Recount! That’s TWO sick kids today!

Just love my days off lately. BS woke up with TS’s cold.

Great. It just keeps getting better.

On the up side TS did finally agree to take her medicine & has been much better for it. This afternoon now she asked to take a nap. She does NOT nap, so she’s really sick. Right now, they’re both napping. I know, OMG! I never thought I'd utter those words. So, what am I doing with this time? Am I catching up on that elusive sleep? Am I cleaning my disgusting house? Am I exercising? Nooooooooooooooooo, I’m blogging, of course.

Very productive.
Go Figure.

Listen, if I thought they’d let me sleep for anywhere near an hour I’d be all over it, but realistically it’s half an hour tops. So forget it, I’ll just end up frustrated.

On a more serious note, BS’s appointment went well. He upped her meds and he wants to start her on the drug that actually treats the reflux instead of just the acid. He said, (insert Swedish accent, I want you to have the full effect) “She had true reflux because she projectiles hours after she eats, so it’s not overflow, it’s an actual problem with the maturity of the muscle and a slow emptying stomach.” This is opposed to fake reflux I guess? I told him I was lukewarm on doing those meds because they do treat your nervous system & the side effects are irritability and sleep disruption.

I don’t know, it’s a big deal, she’s a little baby…I’m a mom who isn’t sure what to do.

He told me that the drug has been around since the 50s so they actually know a lot about the side effects of it and that it’ll either be helping or not within a couple days. If not, we take her off it & there are no residual affects. I guess I feel better about that. I’ll feel a lot better if she gets relief AND has no side effects. (The side effects only happen 5% of the time, so there’s a really good chance she won’t have them.) I’ll keep you updated on how that one goes.

Ok, I’m off to try and pick up the house a bit. Maybe, just maybe I’ll get to walk this afternoon and USE MY NEW F'ing STROLLER FINALLY!!! But with two sick kids I doubt it.

sick, sick, sick

Sleep has been intermittent this week. BS spent a whole week w/out getting up in the middle of the night and then last Sunday she started again. The spitting up (aka-projectile vomiting) has also slowed way down until then. Notice I said, "till last Sunday", I'm back to doing tons of laundry this week. We go back to the GI specialist today I’m hopeful they will up her meds and we will be on our way to many, many long sleep filled nights.

TS has a rotten cold. She started with it yesterday and this AM got me up at 6 crying at my door,(I was back in bed hoping to get to sleep till 7:30 after a 4 AM wake/feeding w/BS) “I don’t feel good mommy!” It was more like wailing and I couldn’t get her to take any medicine. She might have a swollen throat too, but I can’t get a good look at it. She’s too upset about not feeling good. I got frustrated and finally said, “Fine, call me back when you’re ready to take your medicine,” thinking she say, “don’t go, I’ll take it.” Which is her typical deal, but instead she rolled over & is trying to sleep. I say trying cause she’s got a horrible cough and I can’t imagine there’s much resting/sleeping actually happening. I’m sure the GI’s office will be thrilled when I walk in w/my germy big kid today.

My folks left for Mexico for a week today. Good and bad. The bad part; I have to put BS in day care 3 days next week & I'm a freaking basket case over it. She's so little & even though TS goes to this school, I'm just not feeling warm & fuzzy about BS spending all day there. It's not them, it's me. So, the good part; My mom has been really, really negative lately:

I got my stroller and she came in and saw it and said, (very sarcastic tone)
“Who do you think is going to ride in that? TS won’t ride in that. Guess you
don’t have to worry about anyone ever taking it. She doesn’t like the color or
the price, but won’t come out and say it, so she’s super passive-aggressive
about her feelings on it. The other night, in a relevant conversation, I
mentioned to her that I can’t find my sewing machine right now (it got put
somewhere safe while unpacking and now I can’t remember where it is) & she
held up her hand for me to stop talking, (Cause she’s apparently so disgusted
with me,) turned around and walked away from me!

If a friend responded to me in this way, well, they wouldn’t be a friend would they? It’s no wonder I’ve had problems with depression. She couldn’t be more of a be-yoch if she tired. Sigh, I just don’t have the bandwidth to deal with her any more right now. I’m sure TS’s cold is somehow my fault as well.

It’s good that I’m getting a break for the next week.

TS is back up. I’ll update you on the GI appointment & I want to write about Halloween, but need to post some pix too—soon, I promise!