Thursday, March 23, 2006

Written a few nights ago, but saved for a moment like now

I know why I do this: this not going to bed and staying on the computer all freaking night PLAYING STUPID SOLITAIRE!

It’s called avoidance. I know because I first started it years ago with my Fibro stuff. See what happens is I don’t sleep well. If that happens to you (a normal person) for a night or two it sucks. But you get over it, and back into a normal pattern. I, on the other hand, am a freak of nature. I will go for MONTHS without restful sleep*. Yes, months. It’s awful. For everyone involved. You think I’m bitchy now, try me after 8 months of not sleeping. The drugs I’m normally on for my Fribo have been very successful in helping me avoid this scene for quite some time. Everyone is happy.

I have to stop taking my drugs when I’m pregnant.

Don’t fret, I’m getting some REM sleep, my Fibro seems to more or less go into remission when I’m pregnant. BUT….

As is typical at this point in a pregnancy I’m not sleeping so hot cause I’m so damn uncomfortable. So my reaction is to do what I’ve always done in this situation:

avoid it.

Very mature I know.

I’m sure there’s a bunch of shrinks out there who could have a field day with this one. I’ve even been to some once and again, but right now I’m saving up my insurance paid shrink time for when the post partum psychosis sets in, Fibro predisposes me to it—fun! fun! (Daddyspeak likes to describe it this way: "You're the type who would eat her young." He smiles when he says it.)
No, I did not have it or even post partum depression after I had Toddlerspeak. Irronically, I didn't even get what they call "The Blues". But we’re prepared for the worst this time too Internet! Everyone around me knows I could flip out at any moment after the baby’s born.

Hopefully not.

So you’re my shrink for the time being dear Internet.

Lucky you!

*Restful Sleep—There are many types of sleep issues that can arise with Fibro. The sleep issues I have/had is fairly common (among those who have Fibro); I don’t get any REM sleep. So if you were to come into my bedroom in the middle of the night I would appear to be sleeping, however I’m typically only in the first stage of sleep, meaning no dreaming. Meaning NO REST. If you were to start talking to me I would be fully engaged with you in conversation as if I had been sitting up when you walked into the room. And I know when the neighbor's sprinkler went on, what time the cat got up to get water, etc....The other pitfall to this little scenario is that usually around 5 AM I will pass out from exhaustion. There’s almost no waking me when I hit this state. It is very much like being drugged. I can (and have) literally hit the snooze button for 2-3 hours, but never actually wake up. When I do finally wake up from that state I am exhausted.